A Six-Sentence Summary:
Bella and Edward get married, because of course, and take their honeymoon on an exotic private island, where Eddie knocks Bella up. This shouldn’t be possible, and the baby is some sort of monster who nearly kills Bella in utero, then does enough damage on delivery to force Ed-wad to vamp Bella up. Oh, and there’s some werewolf drama, which culminates in Jacob abandoning his pack so he can fall in love with Bella’s baby, which I think we can all agree is hella creepy. After the half-vampire baby is born, it is named Renesmee and it is adorable, until Denali vamp Irina mistakes her for an immortal child, and reports her to the Volturi, who will kill the baby and all the Cullens. In response, the Cullens call in good vamps from around the world to form an army of their own to battle the Volturi, while Alice pulls a uselessly tricky stunt that involves going to Brazil. Of course, when the Volturi show up, there’s no actual battle, and everyone lives happily ever after, lah dee fuckin’ dah.