Chapter 7: Unhappy Ending

What this chapter should be called: 2 pages of awesome

Edward creep-o-meter: 7

 

This chapter is terrible. Just terrible. This chapter is so honest-to-god terrible that there are places where I couldn’t determine if I was reading Eclipse or a poorly constructed Jane Eyre fanfiction. Seriously, this chapter just really made me realize that Meyer has no idea how people talk. Here’s the first sentence of the chapter:

 

“Rosalie hesitated in my doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.”

 

And also, Meyer has no idea how an 18 year-old girl thinks. If this had been me,  I would have been thinking:

“Rosalie’s at the door. What the hell is her problem?”

Or

“GTFO, Rosalie, I’m trying to sleep.”

You get the point. (+1 Stupidity)

Rosalie asks if they can talk, causing Bella to freak.

 

“She laughed lightly, and it sounded like a chorus of bells.”

 

To quote Stephen King, the road to hell is paved with adverbs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella and Rose make some awkward small talk, and then Rosalie gets around to her point: She wants Bella to stay human.

 

“Did Edward ever tell you what led to this?” she asked, gesturing to her glorious immortal body. I nodded slowly, suddenly somber. “He said it was close to what happened to me that time in Port Angeles, only no one was there to save you .”

 

What, so Rosalie was nearly name-called to death? I’m so confused. (+1 Stupidity) Then we get a line that makes me feel the need to find some good crackers.

 

“Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending — but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now.”

 

Stephenie Meyer’s writing: the literary equivalent to a fine, well-aged Brie.

Rosalie starts to tell her story, the gist of which is pretty much, “I lived during the Great Depression and I was pretty and spoiled.” The only reason Rosalie wasn’t living out of a cardboard box is because her daddy was a banker, so he had a stable job. Um, what? Does Meyer not know that bankers were among the first people to lose their jobs in the Depression? Once again, literally 10 seconds on Google could have solved this. (+1 Stupidity)

Chapter 6: Switzerland

What this chapter should be called: Kidnapping is fun!

Edward creep-o-meter: THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW

 

I’m actually kind of eager for this chapter, which both surprises and frightens me. Maybe it’s because I know that I will totally get to go off on Edward for being a total creep. It could just be the promise of some substance and less talk about feelings. Hmmm.

Bella is driving back into Forks, and immediately after she crosses over the injun border, a shiny silver Volvo is tailgating her.

 

“I considered pulling over. But I was too much of a coward to face him right away. I’d been counting on some prep time . . . and having Charlie nearby as a buffer. At least that would force him to keep his voice down.”

 

Bella has been preparing for a scolding, and perhaps even a spanking from her vampire sweetheart, but following her creepily in his car? I am just shocked. There is no possible way anyone would be that controlling, right? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“The Volvo followed inches behind me. I kept my eyes on the road ahead.”

 

Okay, question. If Edward wants to creepily keep tabs on Bella, why doesn’t he just run alongside the road? Sparklepires have super speed, right? No, he has to follow her in his car,  which reads like a scene from a B-rated slasher flick. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and why is Edward worried? I get that Alice can’t have visions of Bella when she’s with werewolves, but shouldn’t Alice have been able to see Bella deciding to go over to Angela’s house? She couldn’t have taken two seconds to zap Eddie a mind-note saying “yo, Bella is going over to Angela’s, so her face obviously hasn’t been torn off.” Then again, maybe Alice is just a jerk. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, Meyer tells us it’s sunny outside, so Edward should be lit up like a Christmas tree right about now. Continuity fail! (+1 Stupidity)

See, one of my biggest gripes about the sparkling is that Meyer never sets parameters for when her vampires physically can and cannot sparkle, preferring to leave it to the convenience of the plot. In fact, if Meyer had taken one word back in book 1 to specify that vampires only sparkled in direct sunlight, I wouldn’t rag on her half as much.

Chapter 5: Imprint

What this chapter should be called: Let’s talk about feelings, Part 2

Edward creep-o-meter: 5

 

Expect another short review, because this chapter is just more talk about feelings and honestly could have been three pages stuck on the back of last chapter.

Bella and Jacob meander down the beach, Bella babbling non-stop to avoid a dreaded awkward silence. Eventually, she gets around to asking about Quil, which was a bit of a touchy subject last book. But everything’s okay now, and Quil is now a full-fledged werebearwolf.

 

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. To my surprise, Jacob snorted. “Don’t say that to him .”

 

Turns out Quil is jazzed to be a werewolf. Finally, someone in this book who doesn’t mope about having superpowers! While Edward is bitching about telepathy and sparkling, Quil is already hollowing out a Wolf-Den under his garage and buying spandex. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob elaborates that most of the Pack is really pretty happy about their powers.

 

“Honestly . . . most of them do,” Jacob admitted slowly. “There are definitely good sides to this — the speed, the freedom, the strength . . . the sense of — of family . . . . Sam and I are the only ones who ever felt really bitter. And Sam got past that a long time ago. So I’m the crybaby now.” Jacob laughed at himself.”

 

Bella asks what Sam’s deal is, anyway. Apparently, there is some sordid “Real Housewives” drama surrounding his family. Bella asks Jacob to tell her the story, because she is in no hurry to get back to Eddie dearest, being afraid of what he’ll say. Yikes. (+1 Red Flag)

Chapter 4: Nature

What this chapter should be called: Let’s talk about feelings, Part1

Edward creep-o-meter: 6

 

As you noticed, this chapter is called “Nature.” The first sentence of this chapter is “I was having a bad week.” You can probably figure out why I had a miniature heart attack. The last thing I need to read about is a hormonal Sue. I calmed myself down by remembering that this is a Twilight novel, and the chapter titles rarely have anything to do with the actual content.

Anyhow, this chapter review is probably going to be a short one, because nothing really happens. You’ll see.

We kick things off with Bella having the smarts to be scared that a murderous Sparklepire is after her. Of course, there are seven Cullens to one Victoria, so as long as she doesn’t do anything stupid, she’s probably going to be okay. But, ugh, I’m sick of Bella freaking out about Victoria and going on about being weak and tasty and helpless as a mere mortal. Actually, I’m kind of over this whole angsty plotline in general. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella tries to get on with life, the three weeks she has left before “The Big Change.” Which, Edward is being an ass about.

 

“That’s between you and Carlisle,” he’d said. “Of course, you know that I’m willing to make it between you and me at any time that you wish. You know my condition.” And he had smiled angelically. Ugh. I did know his condition. Edward had promised that he would change me himself whenever I wanted . . . just as long as I was married to him first.”

 

Edward Cullen, dicksnot supreme. (+1 Red Flag)

Chapter 3: Motives

What this chapter should be called: Introducing Jacob 2.0

Edward creep-o-meter: 7

 

The chapter starts off with Bella and Edward coming back from Jacksonville. Uh, what? I actually had to double-check that I wasn’t missing something here. Turns out, Meyer just learned how to skip unimportant things. Cookie to her. (+1 Redemption)

The only thing that makes this slightly less impressive is the fact that skipping this allowed Meyer to conveniently gloss over how Edward managed to avoid sparkling like an anime magical girl  while in Florida. (+1 Stupidity)

Hell, how did he manage to avoid going out in the sun, all day, while on vacation while visiting his girlfriend’s mother?

Maybe it’s just me, but my mom would have dragged that boy out with us. Then, I would have gotten some odd looks when he started sparkling. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving onward! The chaper opens up with a good, healthy thesaurus rape. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“The sun was so deeply buried behind the clouds there was no way to tell if it had set or not. After the long flight — chasing the sun westward so that it seemed unmoving in the sky — it was especially disorienting; time seemed oddly variable. It took me by surprise when the forest gave way to the first buildings, signaling that we were nearly home.”

 

How did Edward manage to avoid sparkling it up on the plane, too? On most longer flights (I’m assuming it was a direct flight because of Emmett’s uncanny talent to exploit Expedia and whatnot) planes will actually fly above cloud level. (+1 Stupidity)

They talk about how “insightful” Bella’s mother is. Oh, Jesus. Was this whole trip just another way to let us know how amazing Bedward’s relationship is?

Oh, and Phil now coaches high school baseball, btw. I thought he was a baseball player? I don’t even know. (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. Turns out, Bella’s mom caught on to the fact that Bedward are “serious.” No, really. Renee noticed that he is just so protective of her.

Chapter 2: Evasion

What this chapter should be called: Edward Cullen’s guide to controlling your woman.

Edward creep-o-meter: 15 GOOD LORD

 

Chapter two is an odd one. Half of it makes me go, “God, Bella, your school day is just so fucking exciting” and the other half creeps the everloving hell out of me. You’ll see why.

Bella skips down the school halls, absolutely thrilled to be holding hands with “the most perfect person on the planet.” Her words, not mine. (+1 Cream Count)

 

“Maybe it was the knowledge that my sentence was served and I was a free woman again.”

 

We all know that there’s no such thing as a free woman in Meyerland, but whatevs. Everyone at in Bella’s class is freaking out about their last year in high school. Except for Alice and Edward, of course, because lord knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids for no damn reason. (+1 Stupidity)  Given that Edward has already gone to Dartmouth and Harvard and whatnot, I’m not entirely sure why he just hasn’t given up on high school altogether. (+1 Stupidity)

Wait a minute, haven’t I talked about this already? I’m sure I have.

Jesus, I think this book might actually be making me stupider.

Bella ruminates more on her newfound freedom, keeping Charlie’s request in mind. She offers to help Angela, a boring mortal that we haven’t heard from in nearly a full book, address graduation announcements, revealing that Charlie un-grounded her.

 

“Really?” Angela asked, mild excitement lighting her always-gentle brown eyes. “I thought you said you were in for life.”
 “I’m more surprised than you are. I was sure I would at least have finished high school before he set me free.” “Well, this is great, Bella! We’ll have to go out to celebrate.”

Chapter 1: Ultimatum

What this chapter should be called: Mehliciousness.

Edward creep-o-meter: 7

 

Eclipse starts off with a bang, the opening paragraph being a letter from Jacob. There’s a change of font, just in case we were too dense to figure out that it was a handwritten letter, (+1 Stupidity) because having the leading words be “Dear Bella, “ wasn’t a big enough hint.

I’m not going to quote Jacob’s letter, because it consists of lots of crossed out things and scribbles and would generally just be a pain in the ass.  The gist of the letter is that Bella is being a bitch for not understanding how she has hurt Jacob.

 

“Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry.

Jacob”

 

The two haven’t been talking since Clan Cullen’s return. They’re essentially making their fathers pass notes to each other like they were in second grade, because apparently there’s no such thing as email or text messaging in Meyerland. (+1 Stupidity)

The kicker here is that Bella feels that she is hurt more.

 

“What was surprising was how much each crossed-out line wounded me – as if the points of the letters had cutting edges. More than that, behind each angry beginning lurked a vast pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own.”

 

Since last book, Bella experienced pain so intense that it felt like part of her chest was missing, this pain must be a real bitch. (+1 Angst)