Posts Tagged ‘Research’

What this chapter should be called: Bella wuz here
Edward creep-o-meter: 5

* Here’s the next chapter a little early to make up for stiffing you last week. *
Alright, so we’re back to your regularly scheduled pudding for this week. (Sorry. Rhyming everything really is fucking hard.) Bella is getting dressed (thrilling, huh?) and trying very hard not to think about marriage.

She is no longer wearing her engagement ring because of this. Or maybe the ring is just impossible to detect with the naked eye.

 

“Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.”

 

Pesky invisible rings. Those things are never worth the money. I’ve bought, like, three, and they keep getting lost in the pool.

 

“This shouldn’t bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn’t take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.”

 

Bella reminds us for the 15th time that weddings are really just not her cup of tea, so she’ll just have a shotgun wedding in Vegas. That way, she can wear her sweatpants with words on the ass, and when the Justice of Peace tells them to kiss, they can just fist-bump instead. Also, she’ll probably ditch her shirt, because that’s just too formal. She’s leaning towards a bikini top, or maybe just some tasteful pasties. Good Lord. As we all know, this whole marriage conundrum is entirely Bella’s self-created problem, so I don’t feel to bad for her. (+1 Bitch)
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What this chapter should be called: (Fake) Werewolf Stories

Edward creep-o-meter: 3

 

I began to suspect that the werewolf party would not live up to my expectations when the chapter opened with Paul and Jacob fighting over the last hot dog instead of riding jet skis. Oh well. In all seriousness, this review will probably be one giant summary, because there’s not a whole lot of opportunity for snarking. You win some, you lose some.

 So Paul and Jacob fight over the last hot dog while Bella worries that she’s being a party pooper.

 

“I’d started to worry about showing up with him at the bonfire, wondering if the werewolves would consider me a traitor now. Would they be angry with Jacob for inviting me? Would I ruin the party? But when Jacob had towed me out of the forest to the clifftop meeting place — where the fire already roared brighter than the cloud-obscured sun — it had all been very casual and light.”

 

Even though everyone knows Bella would sell all the werewolves into slavery for the slightest chance of some sparkles, she’s still a Sue, so all the werewolves still love her. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella tells us its not strictly a werewolf party; Billy is there, so are the Clearwaters, and Quil’s grandpa, Old Quil. (Which sounds like something I’d nickname my expired cough syrup.)

Bella also meets Jared’s imprintee/forever buddy/soul mate, and immediately judges her on her looks.

 

“My first impression of Kim was that she was a nice girl, a little shy, and a little plain. She had a wide face, mostly cheekbones, with eyes too small to balance them out. Her nose and mouth were both too broad for traditional beauty. Her flat black hair was thin and wispy in the wind that never seemed to let up atop the cliff.”

 

Seeing as Bella constantly calls herself plain and boring, I’m not sure where she gets off on trashing Kim’s looks. (+1 Bitch) Meyer must figure this is okay though, because after Bella creeps on Kim and Jared for a while, she can’t find anything else bad to say about her.

Bella whines to Jacob that it’s late, and Jacob tells her that she better stay the fuck awake, because we’re about to tell some bitchin’ injun stories.

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What this chapter should be called: Yay abuse!

Bella like-o-meter: 1

 

This chapter just really made me realize how much I’ve missed Edward.

We start off with a lame dream sequence that rapes the poor thesaurus beyond all mercy. You really need to read all of this to comprehend the full effect.

 

“I had the sense that I’d been asleep for a very long time—my body was stiff, like I hadn’t moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorful dreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. The horrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was sharp impatience and fear, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet can’t move fast enough… And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility.”

 

Ugh. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella wakes up and immediately freaks out because Edward is there. She’s convinced that she’s hallucinating, and that she’s finally gone insane enough to hallucinate about Edward 24/7.  Or maybe she’s died and they’re both in Heaven. I really don’t know.

Bella eventually realizes that she is indeed alive. She ruminates on how gorgeous Edward is. She finally has the sense to ask how long she’s been asleep.

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What this chapter should be called: Are we there yet? Part 2

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

Oh, God, where was I?

Chapter 22. Right. This should be easy.

The gang is escorted into the lobby and warned not to leave until dark. (Or else the Volturi will demand that, at some point in the future, demand that they apologize for disobeying.) I really don’t know why they just can’t go now. It’s not like they’ve had any problems with sparkles so far. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella promptly goes to pieces.

 

“Are you all right?” Edward asked under his breath, to low for the human woman to hear. His voice was rough—if velvet can be rough—with anxiety. Still stressed by our situation, I imagined.”

 

Somehow Edward’s voice manages to remain velvety and rough. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Note to Meyer: Antonyms are opposites, meaning they do not generally fit well together when describing the same thing.

Bella is still flipping out, BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG WOMAN, REMEMBER? Of course, this means that Edward has to comfort her, BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.

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What this chapter should be called: Yaaay more abuse!

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

THIS CHAPTER IS HORRIBLY BAD, AND STEPHENIE MEYER SHOULD FEEL BAD, LIKE SHE’S JUST BRUTALLY RAVAGED A MILLION NEWBORN PUREBRED LABRADOR PUPPIES. THAT’S HOW BAD THIS CHAPTER IS.

So, surprise, surprise, since there’s a festival going on, traffic in Volterra is super hellish. Since Bella can’t do anything useful in this situation, she settles for moaning Alice’s name with a sense of urgency.

 

“Alice,” I moaned. The clock on the dash seemed to be speeding up. “It’s the only way in,” she tried soothe me.”

 

The fanfic practically writes itself. (+1 Stupidity)

To summarize the next few paragraphs in the Meyer-tongue, some stuff happens, the traffic doesn’t move,  Alice does some stuff, and we still can’t get into the city.

 

“Alice,” I whispered urgently. “I know,” she said. Her face was chiseled from ice.”

 

Please tell me that someone’s writing these down.

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What this chapter should be called: Are we there yet?

Bella like-o-meter: 2

 

This chapter has its ups and downs. The good part is that, for once, something is actually happening. The bad part is that it’s so unbelievably stupid.

The beginning of this chapter is actually kind of boring, despite the ~intense~ context. Alice and Bella make their flight with seconds to spare, and Bella bounces up and down in her seat, kind of like that annoying 5 year-old that always seems to end up behind you on your business trips. They lift off, and Alice makes a phone call .

 

“Alice lifted the phone on the back of the seat in front of her before we’d stopped climbing, turning her back on the stewardess who eyed her with disapproval. Something about my expression stopped the stewardess from coming over to protest.”

 

My first thought was, “WTF, the phone on the back of the seat? Do those even exist?” Then I did a quick Google search and found out that some planes do indeed have phones connected to the first class seats. How likely is it that Bella and Alice are flying in one of these planes? Not so great. Then again, I only fly less shitty coach, so what do I know? I’ll hold off on the stupidity point for that one. However, I really doubt that Alice and Bella would have been able to get 2 first class seats, right next to each other, on a last-minute basis. That shit sells out fast. (+1 Stupidity)

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What this chapter should be called: Truest truly true true love.

Bella like-o-meter: 0

 

Quick note: I apologize for the late update today, and for the fact that I probably won’t be updating again until next Saturday. I’ve got a jam-packed schedule for this week, and I simply won’t have enough time to write up a half-decent chapter 18 snark. See you next week!

I know all you guys were really worried that it actually might have been Victoria in Bella’s house, but it’s not. Phew. Wouldn’t actually want to put our precious Sue in real danger. Besides, that might cause tension. No, it’s just Alice, standing in Bella’s living room and looking incredibly confused.

 

“Alice, oh, Alice!” I cried, as I slammed into her.”

 

These books are really just a hop, skip and a jump away from being an entirely different genre. (+1 Stupidity) Did Meyer ever reread parts of this book and think, “hrm, that might be taken the wrong way?

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