Posts Tagged ‘Twu Wuv’

It is the beginning of the end.

For over two years now, I’ve been reading and reviewing the Twilight Saga. (For those of you who are just now joining us, where the fuck have you been?) I have fully immersed myself in the deep end of the pool filled with vampire devotion and intricate werewolf social circles. I have braved Sueness and fluff and plain idiocy. I have laughed at melodramatic dialogue and cried over gaping plot chasms. I dislike Bella, dislike Edward even more, and I somewhat tolerate Jacob.

And I cannot do this again.

I really thought I could. But there are just so many pages in this book! I thought I could plow through it in one go. But it. Is. So. Long.

What the hell am I talking about?!? I will not abandon this like Edward in New Moon. I will not whine like Bella throughout this entire cursed series. I will split this book into two parts, but I will not give up. I will finish this book, even if I have to do it in two halves. I will rip Breaking Dawn several new assholes, and then I will reward myself with ice cream and a new AC/DC shirt.

Let’s go.


What this chapter should be called: Wants
Edward creep-o-meter: 3


So, a certain character in this book isn’t handling the end of a relationship very well. (Hint: It’s not Mike.) Yes, folks, Bella is double-sad because she just dumped Jacob.


“I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.”


Why is Bella so torn up about this? Every page of New Moon and well over 75% of the pages in this book have been dedicated to the fact that Bella cannot function without Eddiekins. Bella and Jacob weren’t even going out in the first place. This was less of a dump than it was a slight drop. (+1 Angst)

Bella has a meltdown in her truck, But luckily, deus ex Alice has a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and Edward appears not a minute later. Does anyone else think it’s creepy that Edward can just pop up anywhere? I’m starting to think he really does just follow Bella around 24/7. Edward just starts driving; not saying anything while Bella blubbers about how she wants warm fuzzies instead of cold clammies. Boo fucking hoo. You had your chance, Bella, and you passed it up. Stop making everyone else as miserable as you. (+1 Angst)

What this chapter should be called: Everybody’s Mormon!

Bella like-o-meter: 3


Chapter 24 is arguably the worst chapter of this whole “book.” (I use that term loosely.) I say “arguably” because, again, for some reason, there’s an epilogue, instead of, you know, a chapter 25.

Anyway, Edward is pissed as hell because Bella is insisting on democracy. When you really think about this, it’s completely stupid that she’s even putting this to a vote, because it’s her choice and her choice alone. (+1 Stupidity)


“All right then,” he said, his voice seething with disapproval. “Up you go.”
 He helped me onto his back, and took off running. “


Edward really gets unreasonably angry whenever his girlfriend asks for democracy regarding her own personal rights, doesn’t he? (+1 Red Flag)


What this chapter should be called: All this for nothing?!?

Bella like-o-meter: 2


New update schedule – there was once a time when I could easily bang out two chapter’s worth of reviews a week. Unfortunately, those times have passed. From now on, I shall update every Wednesday.

I’m going to start this review off a little differently. All I do is talk smack about how awful Twilight is, so I’ve been trolling fansites and forums lately, trying to find out why on earth people find these books so damn compelling. I found out that the average Twilight fan’s most common defense is, “At least it gets people to read!” to which I reply, “Bullshit.”

See, it may get people to read, but it doesn’t matter if they’re not reading the right stuff. Let me put it this way. It’s kind of like saying, “Oh, you don’t like tomatoes? Well, here’s a Bloody Mary! You’re an alcoholic now, but at least you like tomatoes!” See what I’m saying? You can’t call yourself a reader and expect anyone to take you seriously  if all you read is the softcore porn novellas they sell at the airport. It’s the same deal with Twilight. Go pick up The Hobbit or something.

Also, I think now would be a pretty good time to mention that when I woke up this morning, my sinuses went, “JK LOL GO FUCK YOURSELF” and I’m currently shot up on two full cups (the little plastic ones on top of the bottle) of Nyquil. I apologize in advance if my writing jumps around a little.



Posted: November 19, 2011 in New Moon
Tags: , , , , ,

Ah, dear readers, welcome back! No time for chitchat, find a seat and buckle up, my friends, as we are about to go on the fantastically awful journey that is New Moon. Let the games begin!

Once again, the preface opens with Bella being in some sort of danger, because that cliché never gets old, except this time, she doesn’t give a damn about her life. I’m guessing she’s trying to save Edward, or some shit like that.


“My legs seemed to move slower and slower as I fought my way through the callous crowd, but the hands on the huge clock tower didn’t slow. With relentless, uncaring force, they turned inexorably toward the end– the end of everything.”


I see that Meyer’s made another helpless thesaurus her bitch.

There’s a lot of fluff and big words that I imagine don’t make any sense in context, Meyer abuses the new thesaurus a little more, and I gather that Bella is running towards a clock tower to stop something. I sense that Meyer’s going for the vague and mysterious vibe, but I’m just not feelin’ it.

If I make it through this book, it’ll be a miracle.

What this chapter should be called: The cake is still a lie.

Edward creep-o-meter: Eh, 7 or so. But if this was a douchebag meter it would be at 11.


This chapter is titled, “Carlisle”. Normally, I would assume that we would get to talk to Carlisle and learn a little about him, but because of last chapter, we know that this book lies to you.  I really don’t know what to expect, but I would guess that Edward will still hog most of the limelight.

The chapter opens with Meyer point blank refusing to use the word, “said.”


“Come in,” Carlisle’s voice invited.”


Amateur writers do this a lot. They avoid “said” like it’s the bubonic plague and sub in long, flowery adjectives in order to punch up their writing. While this isn’t bad in and of itself, and can actually add personality to the characters when used sparingly and responsibly, Meyer seems to have an outright phobia of the word “said”. Flip to any page in this book and try to find an instance where she uses “said” in dialogue WITHOUT any modifiers. Pretty hard to find any, isn’t it? Those few you may find are the exceptions that prove the rule.

I could go on for hours about Meyer’s abuse of “said bookisms” and how they make her look like a complete novice, but that would send this entire entry off the tracks, so here’s a link instead. Go nuts.

Meyer describes Carlisle’s office, and of course, it can’t just be a nice office. It has to be a big office with fancy walls and a collection of books that is comparable to a public library. Obviously Meyer’s never been to a public library. (Which makes sense considering her aversion to research.) Carlisle is sitting behind a huge desk that’s made of MAHOGANY! I’m glad Bella’s so up-to-date on her wood finishes. (+1 Stupidity)

Carlisle asks them what they want.


“I wanted to show Bella some of our history,” Edward said. “Well, your history, actually.”


Wait, so that infodump last chapter didn’t mean anything? Way to fuck with the reader’s head, Meyer.

I’ll be damned, Meyer actually used said. I almost feel bad about what I just said.


“We didn’t mean to disturb you,” I apologized.”


And now I don’t.

Edward forcefully spins Bella around to look towards the door instead of, I don’t know, maybe gesturing to indicate that he wants her to look in that direction. Since Edward touched her, Meyer doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out how awesome it is.

Edward yanks her around to look at a wall full of paintings. Remember what I said earlier about how Bella’s refusal to call Edward out on his behavior gives him the impression that he’s entitled to manhandle her? Well, we’re seeing that now. This is a small example, but it gives us a good idea of Edward’s mindset. Want Bella to look at something? Pull her over there. Want her to be someplace? Pick her up and carry her. He treats her like baggage to be toted around. This example may be small, but in a way it’s just as bad as some of the other stuff he’s pulled. This shows that physically forcing Bella to do things is natural to him now. Since Bella didn’t establish any boundaries, he doesn’t respect them.

The worst part is that Bella had previously made it clear in the narration that she really doesn’t appreciated being treated in such a way. Even so, she lets it slide because she considers it such an honor that someone as pretty as Edward is even giving her the time of day. She does not allow Edward’s behavior out of love, but out of desperation. What kind of message do you think this sends? If someone is pretty enough you should let them walk all over you, because you should be grateful to even be in that person’s presence? Yeah, THAT will certainly help teenage girls with their self-esteem. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Carlisle pops up behind Bella to tell her about some of the paintings, which scares her shitless because she didn’t hear him move. We get it, the Meyerpires are all ninjas. Whatever. (+1 Stupidity)


“Will you tell the story?” Edward asked.”


Don’t see why Meyer felt the word “you” had to be italicized, but who gives a damn? The important part is we’re actually going to get some back story about a character from the character himself! Man, after all the Edward infodumping this comes as a welcome change of pace.


“I would,” he replied, “but I’m actually running a bit late. …”





“… Besides, you know the stories as well as I do,” he added …”




I hate this book! I hate these characters! I even hate their house! (+1 Stupidity, and this would be triple points for bad writing if I was keeping count.)

Then Carlisle leaves. He fucking leaves! This chapter is called Carlisle, but he’s not even going to be in it! Sure, it may be about him, but that means little without him actually being here. God forbid someone else should get a non-trivial amount of screen time. Heaven help us if someone else gets some focus besides Edward. That’s who this chapter’s really about, by the way. This isn’t about Carlisle’s past so much as it is about Carlisle’s past in relation to Edward. He’s the one telling the story; he’s the one we’re expected to admire. Carlisle is awesome, Meyerpires are awesome, and by extension Edward is awesome. God, this book makes me so damn angry.

Apparently Carlisle was suicidal when he first turned, but couldn’t kill himself.


“It is amazing that he was able to resist… feeding… while he was still so new.”


Of course, anyone who’s read Breaking Fail should know that this is a load of bullshit. Edward tells Bella that Carlisle tried to starve himself. Bella asks if that’s even possible.


“Is that possible?” My voice was faint.
 “No, there are very few ways we can be killed.”


WHOA! Back that thing up, Meyer! So a Meyerpire can’t starve to death from lack of drinking blood? What the hell? That means the blood drinking really isn’t necessary! It doesn’t even serve a purpose other than to introduce fake drama! Are you even trying anymore, Meyer?!?!? (+1 Stupidity)

I’m not even gracing Meyerpires by caling them vampires anymore. I’m now calling them fairies, because they have a lot more in common with those than with actual vampires.

Edward mentions Carlisle getting physically weak from not feeding, but that’s not even close to the same. It’s not even close. Since Sparklefairies are so very much stronger than humans, “weak” for them could easily mean “on human level.” That would mean that they “need” to drink blood because it gives them superhuman abilities and they’re addicted to the power. That makes it a drug, not an essential for life. They need blood like an addict needs heroin (To use Meyer’s own comparison).

If you don’t eat, you die. That’s how it works. The Sparklefairies’ life is being sustained by something other than blood, which means that blood serves no purpose other than the “high” it gives them. Meyer has just invalidated any claim she’s made to her darlings being vampires. They don’t need blood, they have no weaknesses. Chrissakes, they’re not even undead. Their fairydom is the result of mutation from exposure to sparkle venom, a transformation that happens while they’re still alive.

Before someone screams, “Artistic license!” let me point out that even artistic license has its limits. For example, let’s use mermaids. According to most lore, mermaids are beautiful women with fish tails instead of legs, can’t survive out of water, and have a tendency to seduce innocent sailors with their song and drag them to their deaths. Now, I’ll take artistic license with said mermaids and turn them into ugly little fuckers who can survive in or out of water, don’t have the fish tails, and screech like banshees. Can I call these creatures mermaids? Sure, but not before bastardizing the entire mermaid lore. Do you see my point? Just because they have some passing similarities doesn’t make them the same creature. Sparklefairies and vampires may both drink blood, but there is a world of difference between the two. Sparkle fairies are not vampires for the same reason that humans are not whales just because they’re both mammals.

My God, she’s not even TRYING! Why do Twifans INSIST that these are vampires when the book itself disproves that claim? The one thing the Sparklefairies had in common with vampires, and Meyer screwed that up too. Every time I think her incompetence can no longer amaze me, she finds some new way to pull it off. It would be impressive, really, if it weren’t so incredibly sad.

Edward keeps infodumping about Carlisle’s past, and I am so pissed at Carlisle’s bait-and-switch and Meyer’s growing incompetence that I’m sorely tempted to skip this. But I will be strong! Blah, blah, blah, Carlisle swam to France. Blah, blah, blah, Sparklefairies don’t need oxygen.

Edward’s face turns to stone, then is replaced by a block of ice. Hey, if Meyer doesn’t have to put any effort into this, neither do I.

Sparklepeen takes a moment to be emo, and I almost wish he would go back to infodumping all over us. It may be boring, but at least it isn’t as painful to read as Edward’s “Oooh, I’m so damaged and brooding and that makes me sexy.” lines.

They look at another painting before continuing with the story. You know what would be better than looking at paintings while Edward infodumps on the audience? Talking to CARLISLE about these things and getting his personal reactions to his own past! You know, actually SHOWING instead of just telling? The painting thing is almost as stupid as when a book character looks into a mirror so the author can describe her appearance. (Yet another mark of an amateur, and if you’ve been following you’ll remember Meyer pulled that move back in chapter 1.)


“Now he is all but immune to the scent of human  blood…”


Then why in the world did he have a problem greeting Bella? Anyway, Edward plays up the blood hunger, which, given that we now know that it is completely harmless (except when Meyer feels the need to be dramatic), and that it’s not even real hunger, it loses much of its impact. Interesting to note that Edward says it took Carlisle centuries of “torturous effort” to control his bloodlust, but apparently Edward can will himself not to eat Bella because, as he put it, “mind over matter.”

I’m really tempted to rip out a page of this book so laboratory analysis can see if the pages themselves are made of bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward goes on to how Carlisle found other fairies in Italy.


“They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers.”


I won’t even start on the fact that this would be about 200 years before sewers were first constructed. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward touched a “comparatively sedate” painting on the highest balcony, a sentence that makes me think he stretched out his arm like Mr. Fantastic. The figures in the painting were “looking down calmly on the mayhem below them.” Uh … what mayhem would that be? Is the room damaged? Is there some kind of violence going on? Is there a riot? The word “mayhem” in no way applies to the arrangement of paintings. Good God, Meyer, do you EVER stop to look up the words you pick out of the thesaurus? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if Meyer thought she might be being a little too subtle about how awesome her sparkle fairies are, she has Edward point out that Francesco Solimena, the Baroque-era Italian painter, was so inspired by Carlisle and his buds that he often painted them as gods. Seriously, she says a painter that produced works like this was influenced by her Sparklefairies. God, this book sucks.

…Hey, what’s that whirring sound? Oh, only Solimena spinning in his grave. No biggie. (+1 Stupidity)

While I can stand Meyer’s atrocious writing, seeing her plunderize history in an attempt to elevate her works makes me want to set something on fire.

To summarize the next few paragraphs, blah blah blah, Carlisle got pissed at his friends because they acted like vampires, and blah blah blah so he left. Blah blah blah, he was lonely.

Edward has a brief emo moment, and when that passes Bella describes the “gentle angel’s smile” that “lit his expression.” Gag me with a spoon! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pulls Bella out of the room, and I already pointed out what’s wrong with this earlier, so I’ll move on. Edward then starts talking about himself. Namely, how he once rebelled against Carlisle’s “vegetarian” diet.


“Really?” I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.”


We get it, he’s dangerous, will you PLEASE shut up about it now?


“He barked a laugh, more loudly than before.”


What would that even sound like? How the hell would you even do that? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward only rebelled briefly, since he read the “perfect sincerity” in Carlisle’s mind. Uh, is that supposed to mean something? Just because someone believes in something strongly enough doesn’t necessarily make it the right thing to do. I mean, I’m sure Hitler thought what he was doing was right, but that doesn’t make it okay. (+1 Stupidity) Someone can be totally sincere in their belief in something and still be wrong. Just ask the May 21st rapture people. If Edward felt strongly enough about his disagreement to openly defy Carlisle, then knowing that Carlisle really believes in what he’s doing shouldn’t be that persuasive.

Edward says that he thought that, due to his psychic abilities, he could only target bad people. He says, for example, that if he fed on a murderer who was targeting an innocent woman, then surely that wouldn’t make him so bad. If you’ve been paying attention, then you know that Edward is making this up. At the very least, he’s never used his blood addiction as an excuse to save someone’s life. To quote what he said back in chapter 8:


“I followed you to Port Angeles,” he admitted, speaking in a rush. “I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it’s much more troublesome than I would have believed. …”


Therefore proving that, once again, Meyer is bullshitting us.

Bella takes a moment to bask in the awesomeness that is Edward.


“And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable.


I’m convinced Meyer typed this book one-handed. (+1 Cream Count)

They walk along the hall until they reach Edward’s room, and since it belongs to Edward, it immediately gets the adjective treatment.


“His room faced south, with a wall-sized window like the great room below. The whole back side of the  house must be glass. His view looked down on the winding Sol Duc River, across the untouched forest  to the Olympic Mountain range. The mountains were much closer than I would have believed.
 The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store. In the corner was a sophisticated-looking sound system, the kind I was afraid to touch because I’d be sure to break something. There was no bed, only a wide and inviting black leather  sofa. The floor was covered with a thick golden carpet, and the walls were hung with heavy fabric in a slightly darker shade.”


Really, Meyer? Edward’s room is comparable to a CD store? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying that Edward somehow managed to fit a Virgin Megastore into his bedroom? It was bad enough when Carlisle’s office was compared to a fucking LIBRARY, but now Edward’s bedroom contains more stock than a music store? Does Meyer have NO sense of scale? Does she not realize how big a library or a music store can be? It’s not as if the whole room is filled with CDs either, it’s just the one wall. How fucking huge is that wall? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, why is it just CDs? What about audio cassettes? 8-track tapes? Vinyl records? People still collect vinyl records even nowadays, you know. Did Edward not hold on to some of his vintage albums, or is his enthusiasm for music a fairly recent thing? Also, why does no one in this book have an MP3 player? Or a cell phone? Or broadband internet?

Bella admires the music collection. I‘m not kidding, Meyer actually stops to explain how Edward organizes his CDs. Riveting stuff here. Since the word “subtlety” isn’t in Meyer’s vocabulary, she has her characters flat-out explain to us how they feel about Bella knowing all about Edward.


“… his eyes dissected my expression …”


I’m tempted to start a charity drive to pay for grief counseling on behalf of Meyer’s thesaurus. To dissect means to analyze and interpret something minutely. In general it refers to ideas, as in dissecting a poem or the points of an argument. That is a function of the brain, not the eyes. Eyes cannot dissect anything. Why do people constantly claim that Meyer is some kind of literary genius when she constantly uses her words wrong? {+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella says something I find funny. It wasn’t meant to be funny, but I’ve been wanting to say this to Edward for a long time now.


“I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re really not as scary as you think you are…”


Of course, saying this seriously would destabilize the entire “bad boy” image Meyer’s built up for Eddiekins, so Meyer feels the need to make it perfectly clear that Bella is lying.

Edward raises his eyes in “blatant disbelief”, the word “blatant” being unnecessary in that sentence. As if to say “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!”, Edward assumes a threatening stance. Bella has enough time to comment on his “perfect teeth” before he tackles her. You read that right. Bella said he isn’t scary, and in response he fucking tackles her! It isn’t a playful tackle, either. She’s becomes airborne, they crash into the sofa, and are knocked into the wall.

How reckless, irresponsible, and immature is this guy? (+1 Red Flag)


“All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection  around me — I was barely jostled.”



The laws of physics don’t work that way. If you were struck by a human-sized stone-like object moving at a speed so great it can’t be detected by the naked eye, with so much force that it caused you to go airborne, only to have your flight broken by hitting a nearby wall, you would be fucked seven ways to Sunday. If this happened in reality, Bella could be looking at broken bones, punctured organs, a cracked skull, and other injuries depending on where she was struck and the angle at which she hit the object that broke her flight. Edward having his arms around her would do next to nothing to protect her. You fail, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, haven’t Sparklefairies been described as stone previously, and now they’re suddenly iron? I’m so glad to finally see some consistency in this book. *eye roll*


But Bella-Sue isn’t hurt at all. She tries to right herself, but Edward doesn’t let her.


“He wasn’t having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains. I glared at him in alarm, but he seemed well in control, his jaw relaxed as he grinned, his eyes bright only with humor.”


This is the perfect metaphor for Bedward’s relationship, isn’t it? Once again Edward does whatever the hell he wants, and damn how Bella might feel about it. Bella glares at him in alarm, clearly uncomfortable. Edward shows just how much of a bastard he is by finding Bella’s reaction amusing. (+1 Red Flag)


“You were saying?” he growled playfully.”


What the hell was that little stunt supposed to prove? That if you do something completely out of left field Bella will be startled? What a douche. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella wants to get up, but Sparklefairy just laughs it off. Silly woman, will she want to vote next?

Someone’s at the door, no doubt having heard the crash and wondering what was going on. Wouldn’t it have been really funny if the couch had ended up colliding with his CD collection? Anyway, it’s Alice and Jasper. Edward publicly shows dominance over Bella by forcing her on to his lap. What a douche.


“… she walked–almost danced, her movements were so graceful–to the center of the room, where she folded herself sinuously onto the floor.”


While this passage doesn’t top, “bouquets of brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly” it’s still pretty bad. I get the feeling Meyer thinks that her Sparklefairies are the best thing ever, so they can’t walk, they have to dance. They also can’t sit down, they have to, “fold themselves sinuously.” You’d think she could at least let the Sparklefairies perform basic tasks without loading it down with adjectives. The book doesn’t need to come to a screeching halt because, oooh, one of the Sparklefairies rang a doorbell and you have to describe how gracefully he pressed the button. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.”


HA HA HA, it’s funny because they were talking about Bella’s gruesome murder! Oh, Meyer, you joker! (+1 Stupidity)

That joke is in incredibly poor taste, especially given that Bella is sitting right there and might be a little uncomfortable about being in a room with monsters talking about eating her, even if it is a joke. What’s more, I think they might actually be serious.

Let’s think about this. They heard a violent crashing sound, generally a sign of conflict unless Edward breaks his furniture on a regular basis. They had no way of knowing what was going on in there, so even if they weren’t 100% certain that Edward was eating Bella (Not that way, you sickos.) , the thought must have at least crossed their minds.

Don’t give me the bullshit about Alice’s plot-device powers, either. Even if she did know, don’t you think she might have cared to share that with Jasper?


“Jasper,  however, paused at the door, his expression a trifle shocked.”


At least one of them was expecting a free snack.

Like the douche he is, Edward finds this funny.


“Sorry, I don’t believe I have enough to spare,” he replied, his arms holding me recklessly close.


I guess twu wuv in Meyerland is code for, “get the hell away from me.” Then again, this might be because Edward is holding Bella against her will (again) so no stupidity point this time.

Oh, it seems that Alice’s- oh, hell, can I just refer to her as Plot Device from now on?-powers allow her to predict the weather too. At first I thought that she’d just watched the weather report, but then Bella comments about her being more reliable than the weatherman, implying that the prediction comes from Plot Device and not from the news. Her powers do just about anything Meyer wants them to do, huh?

Turns out there’s going to be a storm and they’re going out to play sparkleball. They invite Bella, who agrees so as not to disappoint Edward. Since there will be a storm, Bella asks if she should bring an umbrella, which they find funny for some reason.


“They all three laughed aloud.”


Do I even NEED to point out what’s wrong with that sentence?

Plot Device goes to check if Carlisle will go with them, and apparently she runs like a ballerina. Okay, I just can’t take it anymore. Every time Meyer describes Plot Device’s movements I laugh at how ridiculous the descriptions are, but I realize that some of you require a visual.

Meyer just compared Plot Device rushing off to Carlisle to ballet. If you’ve ever seen a ballet performance you know how silly that is. Take a look at this.

Jasper somehow manages to close the door inconspicuously, as opposed to the eye-catching manner most people normally close doors in. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And the chapter ends.

You’re probably expecting something incredibly witty and amusing, but this book has been so utterly stupid I just don’t have the energy.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +13

Thesaurus Rape: +4

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: +3


Total Count:

Stupidity: +204

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +63

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +27

Red Flag: +55

Redemption: +7

What this chapter should be called: The cake is a lie!

Edward creep-o-meter: 9


Since this chapter is called “the Cullens” I’m hoping we get to actually meet some of the other vamps. Personally, I’m pretty interested at getting a chance to meet Edward’s talked about (and talked about, and talked about…) family. It’s about time some supporting characters got some screen time.

The chapter starts with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he stayed and watched her sleep all night. At some point he left the bed and assumed the creepy “I watch you sleep” position in her rocking chair. I must say, I did find it funny how over-the-top Bella’s reaction was. If this was a parody, I’d say Meyer was a genius. The fact that it’s serious makes it more funny, but also a little sad.

Here we get our first strike against Charlie. It turns out he pulled the battery cables on Bella’s truck to prevent her from going anywhere. Personally, I think that’s a little extreme and shows a lack of trust on Charlie’s part. I would understand if Bella had previously sneaked out of the house, but she hasn’t. More likely this complete character assassination is in attempt to make us sympathize more with Bella. (+1 Stupidity) Like the douchesilo he is, Edward finds this funny.


I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?”


Very ironic, considering how he disables her truck in book 3.


“I deliberated where I stood…”


Meyer really loves that word, doesn’t she? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She skips to the bathroom, and these descriptions are so grand I’m half expecting to see a unicorn trot down the hall at any moment. We see her wash her face (why?…) before she rushes back to her room to ogle Sparklepeen some more. Pardon me while I hurl.

Bella learns that Edward left to go get a change of clothes, and immediately starts pouting. Is this girl really so fucking clingy that he can’t even leave to change his clothes? Cry me a river! (+1 Angst)

This is a huge problem in this damn book. Meyer feels the need to use the strongest, most melodramatic language to describe the simplest terms. A character can never be sad, they must be, “descending a spiral of despair”. The same thing extends to the “love” in this book. Meyer doesn’t write genuine emotions or show real affection, so she compensates by using loads of flowery language and the strongest proclamations of love possible. That’s why instead of those little moments of chemistry that would make Bella and Edward feel like a couple, we get wordy descriptions of Edward’s perfection. Instead of real interaction between the characters, we get a scene where Meyer substitutes any real depth with basic questions like “what’s your favorite color?” Instead of those moments where you can really see the love between the characters without the need for them to come out and say it, we get this.


“You are my life now,” he answered simply.


Meyer’s got no fucking clue how to write romance.

In another story, ( One that takes the time to establish and develop a romance rather than just telling the audience that it’s there.), the words “you are my life now” could be very profound and emotionally moving. Here it sounds cheaper than a 42nd street hooker. Without any history, any context, they’re just words he’s saying. There has been no chemistry, no truly romantic moments. Meyer isn’t expressing her characters’ love, she’s trying to convince us of the existence of something that has not been demonstrated.

The following conversation is chock full of references to Edward’s vampirism, which is really getting old. We know that Edward is a perfect Meyerpire and Bella is a smooshy human. I wish Meyer would actually do something with it rather than cracking jokes. I can practically feel Meyer nudging the audience and winking, then patting herself on the back and saying “aren’t I clever?”

Edward decides it’s time for breakfast, so he lets her take her time, and then they walk down the stairs hand in hand…oh, wait, that’s what an actual couple might do. Edward just throws the bitch over his shoulder.


“He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair.”


This isn’t even the first time he’s done this, either. This isn’t how you treat the girl you love, it’s how you treat a toddler who won’t eat his vegetables and runs away from the table. (+ 1 Red Flag)

What really bothers me is how Bella just accepts Edward treating her like a child. Sure she protests while he’s doing it, but she doesn’t make an issue out of it. Like in the parking lot scene, when Edward dragged her to his car and threatened her until she got in, she protested at first then instantly forgot it, thereby giving Edward the green light to control her again. If she had any self-respect, she would put her foot down and tell Edward “this isn’t okay, don’t ever do it again.” There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t. Failing to do so only makes Bella a doormat and gives Edward permission to walk all over her.

Anyhoo, Edward wants Bella to meet his family and vice versa. She’s worried they may not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Sparklepeen says they’d been placing bets on when he’d bring her to meet them.


“…though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can’t imagine.”


Wasn’t it stated last chapter that Alice’s powers were subjective, so she could quite possibly be wrong? WTF? If Edward is now implying that Alice’s powers are 100% correct, then way to fuck with continuity…again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks if Bella’s breakfast is any good, and this has been bothering me a for a really long time…


“Well, it’s no irritable grizzly…”



Sure, there are black bears and stuff, but you have to go up north to find grizzlies. Google is your friend, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella eats, Edward turns into a statue again (Is he part gargoyle or something?) but before I can get too pissed, he says something I actually…like. He wants Bella to introduce him to Charlie.


“I stared at him with suspicion. “Why?”
 “Isn’t that customary?” he asked innocently.
 “I don’t know,” I admitted.”


Either Bella is lying or she’s dumber than I thought. Has she never watched TV or read a book? Everyone who goes outside knows that traditionally the new boy is expected to meet the folks eventually. It’s practically social cliché. Unless she’s lived a VERY sheltered life ( I rather doubt it ), she should know this by default. (+1 Stupidity)


“Not that any normal rules of dating applied here.”


Um, why not? Meyerpire or not,  he’s still her boyfriend and should therefore meet daddy dearest. Seems pretty straightforward to me. (+1 Stupidity)


“That’s not necessary, you know. I don’t expect you to… I mean, you don’t have to pretend for me.”
 His smile was patient. “I’m not pretending.”


Jesus, what is it with this girl and hating on her father? Does she really think Charlie is so boring Edward will automatically have no interest in him? (+1 Bitch)

However, this is the first thing I’ve read in this book that actually comes off as sweet. It’s the first expression of caring that actually works. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer. (+1 Redemption)

It works because Meyer isn’t trying so hard. It works because it’s simple, honest, and doesn’t call attention to itself. I don’t think Meyer was even trying to be romantic at the time, and that makes it work more. It’s a simple statement, but it says more than all the lion-and-lambs and you-are-my-life-nows that preceded it. It’s the context, as much as the words themselves, that make them ring true. Edward states that his desire to meet her father, to be integrated into her family in that way, is no act. That shows commitment, a willingness to put himself out there and declare himself as being a part of her life.

Moving along, we get some insight to how Bella thinks of their, “relationship”.


“Are you going to tell Charlie I’m your boyfriend or not?” he demanded. “Is that what you are?” I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.”


This tells us 2 things, the obvious being that Bella is horrified at the idea of her father even knowing about Edward, much less introducing him as her boyfriend. The reason for this isn’t even hinted at, as usual, we’re just expected to swallow Meyer’s bullshit without question. (+1 Stupidity) It feels like Meyer is having Bella act like this simply because she’s a teenage girl and is thus obligated to hate her father. Wouldn’t want to rock the boat and actually write a father-daughter relationship with … *gasp* … DEPTH! Why have real emotions and complicated issues? That would just get in the way of more descriptions of Edward’s physical appearance, and I’m sure there’s some part of him that hasn’t been described a hundred times already.

The second thing is that Bella doesn’t consider Eddiekins her boyfriend, or hasn’t even thought about it on those terms, despite being irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him. She had to ASK Edward if that’s what he is. This is all kinds of messed up when you really think about it. Almost immediately after meeting Edward just a couple of times she’d already been professing her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for him, and has made a LOT of grand statements as to her supposed love for Sparklepeen. Yet she hesitates to think of him as her boyfriend?

So this raises the question: if  Bella doesn’t want Sparklepeen as her boyfriend, what does she want?

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? She wants him to fuck her, but she doesn’t necessarily want to be involved with him in any way that extends beyond physical. It’s not his personality she’s constantly praising, after all. This is also evidenced by how she resisted engaging Edward in a discussion that was aimed at getting to know each other a little better. This directly contradicts the very nature of this story, which is supposedly about true love. I’ve yet to see a definition of true love that includes “just want to fuck” as part of the description.


In short, Bella doesn’t want a boyfriend or husband. She wants a fuck buddy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but Meyer, and much of the fanbase for that matter, seem to confuse that with true love.


Meyer sneaks in another reference to Edward’s vampirism that she imagines to be clever, and then we get a line which totally undermines what little praise I’ve given Meyer in this chapter.




“But he will need some explanation for why I’m around here so much. I don’t want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me.”




Pardon me while I bang my head repeatedly on my desk.

*a few minutes later*

So there we have it. Edward’s real reason for wanting to be introduced to Charlie is not so he can be part of Bella’s life via her family, but rather so he can stalk her without concern of any repercussions. (+1 Red Flag) So much for my optimistic interpretation of his earlier statement. This is also yet another missed opportunity, as it would be the perfect time to explore Bella’s relationship with her father and why she thinks so little of him. You know, that thing we like to call “character development”?

At this point, I’m over halfway through the book and I still have no idea who these people are. All I have is that Bella thinks Edward is pretty and Edward thinks Bella is hot. That’s it. We don’t even have the pretense of conflict via Edward’s blood thirst because it’s been established that he can simply will himself not to act on it. It constantly amazes me that trees were sacrificed to print this drivel. It takes a special kind of incompetence to fill a book with so many words and still manage to say nothing.

Edward decides it’s creepy-touchy time. I don’t know what it is about him, but I wouldn’t drink anything he gave me. They way Meyer describes him touching Bella just creeps the hell out of me.


“He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable.


While I’m sure that phrase had plenty of meaning to Meyer, I’m not Meyer, so she needs to convey that feeling to me, the reader, in a way I can understand without us having to swap brains.

…Ugh! I just scared myself shitless with the thought of swapping brains with that woman.


“Does that make you sad?” I asked.
 He didn’t answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.


That word makes zero sense in that context. Meyer probably meant something along the lines of she was so lost in his eyes she lost track of time, but saying he stared for an “immeasurable” period of time is just plain wrong. (+1 Eye/Thesaurus Rape)

Sparklepeen orders Bella to get dressed, and she magically appears in her bedroom, picking out clothes. Very surprising, Meyer. I expected it to take at least half a page to describe Bella walking up the stairs. Bella refers to Edward as her, “vampire sweetheart” in narration, and oh, hey, this is interesting.


“It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.”


I’m not sure which word Meyer is referring to here. Is it the word “vampire” or “sweetheart” she’d been shying from? The former makes sense, as Meyer had been tiptoeing around the word. She has used the word vampire before, but in general she treats it in a way similar to how a mildly homophobic person trying to be tolerant would treat the word “gay” around his best friend he’d just learned was homosexual. He may awkwardly allude to his friend’s homosexuality (“I thought you people were … uh … fashionable or something.”) but stop just short of using the actual word for fear of being offensive. Meyer’s handling of the subject of Edward’s vampirism reeks of similar awkwardness, as if the author herself is very uncomfortable addressing it directly.

If it’s the latter then this would be a rather interesting look at how Bella views their “relationship” (You have no idea how badly I need a sarcasm font.). If this is the case, then I think this deserves more expansion, as it could result in character development and perhaps even introduce some much needed conflict into the story. By examining why Bella would hesitate to think of Edward as her “sweetheart” we could learn more about her as a person than all the “what’s your favorite color” questions in the world could tell us.

But that might result in conflict, and since there’s no such thing in Meyerland, this observation is waved away in favor of a description of Bella’s clothes. Bella “bounces” down the stairs (I’m pretty sure there was a member of the DC Legion of Superheroes who was based off a similar concept…) and Edward tells her how she looks. (Surprise, surprise, he thinks she’s hot.) He pecks her on the forehead, which causes “the room to spin”. I can almost hear the laugh track playing in the background.

Then he kisses her on the lips…and she fucking faints.

She then accuses Edward of making her faint. (+1 Stupidity)

Really? Is this meant to be taken seriously? They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind after he “measures her expression” *eyeroll* and, as if Edward has suddenly become aware that he’s trapped in a stupid book, makes the following observation.


“And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?”


Bella agrees, shocked at Edward’s casual use of the word, “vampire”. Uh, why would he be uncomfortable saying that? He’s been a Meyerpire for over ninety years. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella magically teleports from the house to her truck and exiting the main part of town. I can tell that Meyer is in a big hurry to get to the Cullen’s house, as she glosses over details and I feel like I’m reading a grocery list rather than a book. She resumes her usual wordiness when they reach Casa de Cullen.


“The gloom of the forest didn’t relent, though, for there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweep of branches.”


Primordial? Really?


“The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.”


Someone really needs to file a restraining order against Meyer on the behalf of that poor thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Obsolescence refers to a thing going out of style or becoming useless through the changing of the times. Unless those “primordial” cedars were planted after the house was built they could not render a porch obsolete. Not only is it the wrong word, it also contradicts what she’d just written! (+1 Stupidity)


“The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.”


Wow, a hundred years old! I bet nobody lives in a house that old! Oh, only a large number of the U.S. population. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is such a studious architect that she can also tell that the windows and doors are also part of the original structure. (Or perfect restorations.) She goes on to describe the house as white, three stories, and “well proportioned”. (Which tells us nothing.) Hell, she just described any amount of houses in the USA. If my house were rectangular it would match this description. From Bella’s reaction, I can tell I’m supposed to be impressed, but I’m not feeling it with all those vague terms. What, exactly, makes this house graceful? What gives this house timeless qualities? This is just another case of Meyer asking us to swallow her bullshit without questions.

Here’s an idea, Meyer. Pretend the house is Edward. No, wait, then she’d spend the rest of the book describing the house’s “flawless” architecture and “angelic” windows. Bella would be instantly chagrined when she climbed the front steps and ringing the doorbell would cause her to faint.

Also, the house would stalk her.


“He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.”


Uh, why would he have to think about it? Aren’t they supposed to be “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love? Aren’t they a lion and a lamb? Isn’t Bella Edward’s life now? You’d think for two people with such a deep connection, hand holding would be a given. It certainly wouldn’t be necessary to point out that he doesn’t have to think about it, as if that is somehow out of the ordinary.

Do you see what I mean? Meyer says one thing about their relationship, then Bedward’s actions show another. Meyer pretends this relationship is some fantastic magical thing, when it’s just two kids (Yes, I mean Edward as well; he hasn’t shown much more maturity than your average teenager) dealing with their hormones. Maybe if Meyer had recognized this and built their relationship from there, this book would be okay. But she didn’t. Your ability to see the so-called magic in these books is directly proportional to your willingness to swallow Meyer’s BS.

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella’s hand. As I mentioned, something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella seems kind of off to me. Bella, ever the architect, makes some comments about the construction of the inside of the house, and at last we get some real details about the place.


‘The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large. This must have originally been several rooms, but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. The back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. A massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. The walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of white. 
 Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edward’s parents.”



One thing does jump out at me: Everything is white. The Cullens, the good guys, are all deathly pale (I’m guessing the Cullen family has a “no blacks allowed” policy.) which has been pointed out several times as an example of their beauty. Even the house they live in is white. The walls are white, the floor is white, the carpet is white. So far the only confirmed non-white people we’ve run into (No, I’m not counting the movie.) have been Jacob & Co. , who are beast-men, and a dirty-looking rapist/name-caller. There seems to be a theme of white=goodness going on here. A more suspicious person might say Meyer was trying to tell us something here.

Meyer uses her drill named, “Edward is perfect” to make it obvious that he’s richer than God, a fact Bella is overjoyed to point out. So, for those of you following at home, the things about Edward that impresses Bella are his looks and his money. Can’t you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

Bella sees Carlisle and Esme and, of course, comes close to wetting the white carpet in her amazement at their pale beauty. Also, they dress to match the house. She immediately shows Carlisle much more respect than she shows her own father (+1 Bitch) , and continuing with the white = goodness theme, she compares Esme to Snow White.


“I’d seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn’t help but be struck again by his youth, his outrageous perfection. At his side was Esme, I assumed, the only one of the family I’d never seen before. She had the same pale, beautiful features as the rest of them. Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era. She was small, slender, yet less angular, more rounded than the others. They were both dressed casually, in light colors that matched the inside of the house. They smiled in welcome, but made no move to approach us. Trying not to frighten me, I guessed.”


Gack. (+1 Cream Count)

Alice bounces down the stairs (Seriously, do people in this book ever just walk anywhere?) and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek, which shocks everyone. You see, Meyer has been describing Carlisle and Esme as being cautious, on guard to control the bloodlust that only seems to show up either when the plot needs a contrivance or Meyer’s trying to create false tension. Since nothing is ever done with it and it’s been established to be non-threatening, its presence here adds nothing to the scene.

Also, you’d think that at least Carlisle would have an easier time of it. The guy is a friggen doctor. If he has to put that much effort into greeting one girl, what happens when he sees a patient that is bleeding? Oh, wait, nothing happens. Tyler was bleeding when he and Bella were in the hospital and he barely even noticed him. Oh, I get it, he has trouble with Bella because she’s a super special awesome snowflake whose blood smells like flowers. Fucking Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)


“I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.”


Oh, God, Meyer! The last thing I want to think about is Edward stiffening! ARG!

Alice tells Bella that she smells nice (Mmmn, tasty flowers. What are they, goats?) and Bella handles this compliment about as well as you’d expect. Cue the “extreme embarrassment.” Jasper shows up and Meyer, of course, doesn’t miss this opportunity to comment on his beauty as well. However, I’ll actually give her some credit; she remembered that stuff she’d previously established about Jasper’s powers and uses that here, though it’s kind of sad that Meyer getting her continuity straight can be considered a noteworthy event. They exchange greetings and Meyer not-so-subtly points out that Edward and Carlisle look at each other meaningfully.

Bella looks at the piano and we finally, FINALLY, learn something of substance about one of the other characters: Bella’s mother. How funny is it that Renee, who’s only appeared in this book once, now officially has more character development than the main characters?

It turns out that in Marty Stu camp, Edward learned to play piano. Bella says that of course she should have known he can play because “Edward can do everything, right?” Meyer is not even bothering to pretend that Edward is anything other than a Gary Stu, so it surprises me that some Twilight fans still get offended at that observation.

It’s official: Edward Cullen is the Wesley Crusher of this book.

It gets to the point where you wonder why any of the other characters are even in this book. They all seemingly exist only to point out how awesome Edward is, talking about him constantly. If Edward is not being talked about its usually because either the plot is busy setting up a way to squeeze in another contrived scene involving Edward, or Meyer is simply too busy giving us flowery descriptions of his looks for the thousandth time.

How can a book devote so much time to a single character and still tell us nothing about him? Those few things we DO learn don’t even add to his personality, but instead serve only to beat us over the head with how super special awesome he is.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at Bella’s thoughts about the piano, and how they relate to Renee and Edward.

First up: Renee.


“She wasn’t really good — she only played for herself on our secondhand upright — but I loved to watch her play. She was happy, absorbed — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the “mom” persona I took for granted. She’d put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.”


See, here we actually learn something about Renee and Bella’s relationship with her. This paragraph shows the bond that exists, and a trait that is not just a bullet point on a list.

Now for Edward:


“No,” she laughed. “Edward didn’t tell you he was musical?” 
”No.” I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. “I should have known, I guess.”
 Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
 “Edward can do everything, right?” I explained.


Here the piano only serves as a tool to make Edward look more awesome. It contributes nothing to his character and is only there to impress the reader. That’s why the piano counts as character development for Renee, and not for Edward. With Renee it explores her personality, her passion, and the time she’d spent with her daughter. With Edward it’s just a fact. This blog is written in English and Edward plays the piano. Those two observations carry the same weight.


“Well, play for her,” Esme encouraged.
 “You just said showing off was rude,” he objected.
 “There are exceptions to every rule,” she replied.”


This only proves my point. With Renee, playing the piano was a moment of bonding with her daughter, but with Edward, it’s just “showing off.” And of course, being Edward, he’s the best damn piano player around.


“And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.”


As if Meyer thinks she was being too subtle, we get this. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.”


I know, I keep going on about the piano thing. It’s just that I see so much potential for character development here that is being ignored for the sake of “Ooh, look at how awesome Edward is! He can play an instrument!” Something that could add depth and soul to Edward is reduced to a meaningless fact.

This just serves to remind us of how shallow this book is, where the closest one gets to (intentional) character development is “what’s your favorite color?” Even THAT is just more Edward body worship, as Bella’s answer to that question was basically whatever color Edward’s eyes happen to be at the time.

Meyer still thinks this is a little too subtle, so she has Edward look up and wink as if this is the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. I’m just going to forget the piano now before I’m compelled to kill again.

As if Meyer didn’t take a big enough of an infodump on us last chapter, it’s Rosalie exposition time! Oh goody. Now I know what you’re thinking, since Rosalie is close by we might get to see Bella interact with her and see some of her personality. If you honestly believe that, you’ve forgotten which book you’re reading. No, Edward exposits about her to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is angsty about being a Meyerpire, and she’s jealous of Bella.


Rosalie is jealous of me?” I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.”


Because physical appearance is the only thing that matters! In Meyerland, silly things like personality don’t matter! Pretty people have no problems and anyone pretty couldn’t possibly be jealous of someone less pretty! Ugh, this book makes me sick.

He talks about some other characters and their reactions to Bella-and you know what, this is unexcusable. Christ on a blimp, they’re in THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE! Would it KILL Meyer to actually show Bella talking to some of the other characters and us actually seeing their reactions? There is no reason to take a huge infodump on us. This book makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork. (+1 Stupidity)

I’ve seriously considered adding a bad writing count, but that would mean I would have to go through all old entries to add points, and it would also result in a number higher than the stupidity count.

Christ, isn’t this chapter called, “The Cullens”? Isn’t this supposed to be about meeting Edward’s family? They didn’t even get to do anything! It’s just: “Good to see you, Bella. Oh, here’s a piano. Edward is awesome at the piano. God, Edward is so amazing. Why don’t you play for her, Edward? Oh, do show off Edward. We’ll be going now because the awesomeness of Edward is so absolute that we’re no longer needed in this scene. EDWAAAAAAAARD!!!!”


Anyways, Edward’s got news for Bella.


“I have to, because I’m going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m naturally a tyrant.”


So, he’ll pretty much be the same way he always is. (+1 Stupidity)

Alice and her incredible plot-device powers have seen a  group of other Meyerpires, the variety that eat people. (Like a vampire should.) Naturally, Edward concludes that he has to stalk Bella even more in order to keep her safe.

Um, question. Forks has a population of a few thousand, right? And Edward said the other vamps probably won’t go into town at all. So … why not just ask Bella not to leave town for the next few days? Is he really afraid that they’ll magically zero in on Bella specifically, even though they don’t even know who she is, out of thousands of people, from the outskirts of town, simply because she’s just that special?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is Meyer we’re talking about. Bella’s Mary Sue status will ensure that any danger naturally hones in on her specifically, no matter how little sense it makes. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer chucks the obligatory, “My vampires are different!” schpiel into her clusterfuck of a chapter. Her sparkling vampires (Fairies?) don’t sleep in coffins! Oh, how terribly original!


“No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don’t even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you,” he continued slyly.


On a side note: I find it funny how so many writers try to make vampires different from the myths to the point where “my vampires are different” has itself become a cliché. At this point, writing a story featuring vanilla vampires pulled straight from lore would be a refreshing change. Hell, at this point a bad fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater would be better than this drivel. I mean, even Count von Count was a better vampire than Sparklepeen.

Bella sheds tears of joy at the pure awesomess that Edward’s music is. And then…he tastes them. HE TASTES HER FUCKING TEARS! Am I seriously the only one who realizes how creepy this guy is? (+1 Red Flag!)

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house.


“Rosalie and Emmett’s room… Carlisle’s office… Alice’s room…” He gestured as he led me past the doors.”


Wow, lazy writing much? If anyone wants to go through my previous chapters and give me a bad writing count, I’ll send you cookies.

They stop under a giant hunk of symbolism a large cross that belongs to Carlisle.

They look at it and Edward explains Carlisle’s backstory and-

You know what? I have fucking HAD IT. No more explaining the other characters rather than actually talking to them. I’m skipping this part. For my own sanity I’m no longer going to pay attention to character backstory unless it is either relevant or it’s coming from interactions with the characters themselves.

Someone should totally write me a fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +14

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +3

Redemption: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +191

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +59

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +25

Red Flag: +52

Redemption: +7