Posts Tagged ‘Sexism’

What Bella would call this chapter:
Fucks I give: I do not give them in in an oak

 

Seth and Jacob are still running circles and half circles around the Cullen house, looking for evil wolves. It’s never explained why Jasper and Emmett aren’t out there helping them. Maybe Jasper is close to beating his high score on Donkey Kong. Maybe Emmett is trying to build a flamethrower that also shoots grenades that explode into knives. Maybe the Cullens are just assholes like that. Maybe Meyer doesn’t like having to many characters on screen because it means she actually has to try. (+1 Stupidity)

Suddenly, Seth howls the alarm.

 

“Morning, boys. A shocked whine broke through Seth’s teeth. And then we both snarled as we read deeper into the new thoughts. Oh, man! Go away, Leah! Seth groaned. I stopped when I got to Seth, head thrown back, ready to howl again—this time to complain. Cut the noise, Seth. Right. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! He whimpered and pawed at the ground, scratching deep furrows in the dirt. Leah trotted into view, her small gray body weaving through the underbrush. Stop whining, Seth. You’re such a baby. I growled at her, my ears flattening against my skull. She skipped back a step automatically. What do you think you’re doing, Leah? She huffed a heavy sigh. It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? I’m joining your crappy little renegade pack.”

 

Sweet Odin, Meyer, do you ever bother to go back and read what you wrote to check if it makes sense? Example A: “huffing a heavy sigh” is both redundant and unnecessary! Either she “huffed” or she “sighed heavily”. When you combine two words that both mean completely different actions, it confuses your reader and makes the DRD upset. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Werewolf Soap Opera (or, “Bella gets what Bella wants.”)
Edward creep-o-meter: 5

 

This chapter is half entertaining werewolf drama and half Bella being a giant bitch. Because, you know, we don’t get that last part nearly enough. I would have rather just had the werewolf drama. At least that has the potential to be mildly amusing.

But, you know, that would require effort to write, so most of this chapter is just Smelly Bella (I dub thee, “Smella”) whining about the fact that she’s got two hot guys willing to risk their lives for her. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The chapter starts with Bella being carried somewhere, as is usual. She wakes up in her bed, with Edward doing the creepy I-watch-you-sleep thing. Sparklepeen says that Bella has been talking in her sleep all day. Yes, Bella has slept through the entire day. She groans and heads down the stairs for a grand Pop-Tart breakfast. I – oh, God. That just made me think of the famous Pop-Tart quote from Thor. Why does my brain use Twilight to try and ruin things I like? We may never know.

 

“I sat down with my breakfast, and he sat next to me. When I lifted the Pop-Tart to take the first bite, I noticed him staring at my hand. I looked down, and saw that I was still wearing the gift that Jacob had given me at the party.”

 

Edward asks if he can see, and grabs the wolf charm. Uh, Eddiekins, you see with your eyes, not your hands. Bella is momentarily terrified that Edward is going to crush the wolf charm between his perfect marbley fingers, which probably says oodles more about Bedward’s relationship than I ever could. (+1 Red Flag)

Unfortunately, this is just a convenient segue into Edward’s hissy fit. His problem is that Jacob can give Bella presents without her throwing a fit. Bella says that Edward has already given her soooo much that it just wouldn’t be fair. But, no matter, Edward still wants to be able to give her presents.

(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Kidnapping is fun!

Edward creep-o-meter: THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW

 

I’m actually kind of eager for this chapter, which both surprises and frightens me. Maybe it’s because I know that I will totally get to go off on Edward for being a total creep. It could just be the promise of some substance and less talk about feelings. Hmmm.

Bella is driving back into Forks, and immediately after she crosses over the injun border, a shiny silver Volvo is tailgating her.

 

“I considered pulling over. But I was too much of a coward to face him right away. I’d been counting on some prep time . . . and having Charlie nearby as a buffer. At least that would force him to keep his voice down.”

 

Bella has been preparing for a scolding, and perhaps even a spanking from her vampire sweetheart, but following her creepily in his car? I am just shocked. There is no possible way anyone would be that controlling, right? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“The Volvo followed inches behind me. I kept my eyes on the road ahead.”

 

Okay, question. If Edward wants to creepily keep tabs on Bella, why doesn’t he just run alongside the road? Sparklepires have super speed, right? No, he has to follow her in his car,  which reads like a scene from a B-rated slasher flick. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and why is Edward worried? I get that Alice can’t have visions of Bella when she’s with werewolves, but shouldn’t Alice have been able to see Bella deciding to go over to Angela’s house? She couldn’t have taken two seconds to zap Eddie a mind-note saying “yo, Bella is going over to Angela’s, so her face obviously hasn’t been torn off.” Then again, maybe Alice is just a jerk. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, Meyer tells us it’s sunny outside, so Edward should be lit up like a Christmas tree right about now. Continuity fail! (+1 Stupidity)

See, one of my biggest gripes about the sparkling is that Meyer never sets parameters for when her vampires physically can and cannot sparkle, preferring to leave it to the convenience of the plot. In fact, if Meyer had taken one word back in book 1 to specify that vampires only sparkled in direct sunlight, I wouldn’t rag on her half as much.

(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Paper cuts are apparently the natural enemies of vampires.

Edward creep-o-meter: 5, we’ll give him a fresh start.

 

Chapter one is basically a recap chapter, attempting to sum up the glory of Twilight in about 30 pages. We’ve been there, done that, but I’m still going to recap the recap. (If anyone, ANYONE, makes an Inception joke, I swear to God, I WILL END YOU.)

Anyhoo, enter clumsily narrated dream sequence! Bella is dreaming that she’s looking at her dead grandma. Someone calls to Bella off-camera.

 

“I didn’t have to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere—know, and respond to, whether I was awake or asleep… or even dead, I’d bet. The voice I’d walk through fire for—or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for Edward.”

 

Or have his abominable undead baby. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella realizes that things aren’t quite right, and realizes that she’s looking at her reflection in the mirror.

 

“Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.”

 

Gack. (+1 Cream Count) Edward wishes Bella a happy birthday and she wakes up. We learn that, in fact, it is her birthday. There’s then thirty pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet. I could probably end the review right there and you would still know what was going on next chapter. But I won’t.

*sigh*

(more…)

What this chapter should be called: A guide to telling if your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche.

Edward creep-o-meter: 11.

 

I really thought chapter 13 was the worst chapter of this book. But then I read this one.

The chapter opens with Edward driving, and it turns out that our super special Meyerpire is a pro at driving normally as well as at breakneck speeds.

 

“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.”

 

What, is Bella leaning out the window with a measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) That would be kind of awkward. And is there really anything Edward can’t do perfectly? Hell, I bet on their way home, he foiled Lex Luthor’s nefarious plans, performed open-heart surgery with only a pair of rusty tweezers and a pasta strainer, rescued a kitten from a tree, destroyed a horcrux, and still had time to help a little old lady across the street.

 

Sign number 1 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He acts dangerously, even after you state your anxiety. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.”

 

Um, shouldn’t the sun be causing him to sparkle, completely fucking his cover as an average high school student? Holy plot hole, Batman! (+1 Stupidity) Also, staring into the sun while driving is generally not the best idea.

Edward turns on the radio, and since he’s so sophisticated and classy, he listens to 50’s music. And what, exactly, is 50’s music? All music produced in the 50’s was not the same type. You can’t just say you like the music of a certain decade and expect the other person to understand exactly what you’re talking about. Can you be any more vague, Meyer? Would it really have been so hard to spend 5 minutes on Wikipedia looking up a few band names and genres and at least pretend like you’ve done research? I mean, I know Meyer has some personal hatred towards research, but is it really that hard to use Google? (+1 Stupidity)

Damn, I’m only three paragraphs in and already the stupidity points are falling fast and hard.

 

Sign number 2 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He’s into jailbait. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
 “Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded.”

 

My first response to this was, “WTF, buoyant? Does his humor float?” See, this thing is a common mistake among amateur authors. They stick in exotic words that don’t fit in context with the rest of the sentence to just to make it look good. It’s not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella further prods on the subject of age.

 

“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.”

 

And as he looks-

OH MY FUCKING GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE! (+1 Stupidity)

It turns out Edward is about 117 years old. That’s not just old, that’s Bilbo Baggins old. Meyer feels the need to continually have Edward look at the sun. Could that be… symbolism?

And then…oh my God, we actually get a backstory! We’re about halfway through the book at this point, and just now we get a backstory! Good writing FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, knowing Meyer, Edward’s backstory will probably be about as stable as a drunken frat boy on roller skates.

To summarize, Edward was born in 1901, and fell ill of the Spanish influenza in 1918. At age 17, Carlisle turned him into a vampire. My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn’t out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.  Personally, I would much rather die than be turned into an immortal blood drinker and have to go to high school for eternity, so I’m not really sure Carlisle was doing Edward a favor there.

“He acted from loneliness. That’s usually the reason behind the choice.”

So, we’ve already established that Carlisle didn’t act from compassion, but when choosing a companion, he chooses a 17 year old boy? Umm…ho yay?

 

“But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us … I don’t think you could find his equal throughout all of history.”

 

Okay, I get the dude saved your life and all, but no equal throughout all of history? Really?

 

“I was the first in Carlisle’s family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff.

They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating.”

 

Oh, Meyer, how do I put this gently?

THEY DO NOT PUT PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE STRAIGHT IN THE MORGUE, YOU STUPID BITCH! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks if you need to be dying to be transformed.

 

“No, that’s just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice.”

 

Except they all did have another choice, which was dying. And not to mention the fact that they were all changed without any sort of consent. So given what we know, how compassionate is Carlisle really? He works as a doctor, that’s a plus, but that doesn’t make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money than God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No, he buys a private island, but he doesn’t build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I’m not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he’s most definitely NOT the most compassionate person that’s ever been.

Next in the family was Rosalie.

 

“Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn’t realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him — he was careful with his thoughts around me.”

 

Gee, am I the only one sensing a pattern here?

Anyway, Rosalie then found Emmett in Appalachia, while he was being mauled by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally, I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that saps the drama out of this story.

SHE’S A FUCKING MEYERPIRE! She’s nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn’t get tired or fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn’t she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes absolutely no sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella begins to tear up, not because she’s incredibly touched by the story, but rather more concerned with, “the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Thank God I haven’t eaten recently, or else I’d be wiping vomit off my keyboard…again. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward notes that sometime they live separately, as husband and wife, but not now since they’ve enrolled in high school, a idea that I have proven as incredibly stupid.

 

Sign number 3 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He is a 117 year old creeper who hangs around high schools. (+1 Red Flag)

 

Who exactly are they putting on this show for, anyway? They don’t have any friends outside of themselves, they’re not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was “perfect,” but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn’t the best choice. They’d be better off in a major city where it’s easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore, there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there’d be no one around to notice. Sheesh. Go live in a log cabin or something.

Here’s a map of the population density of the USA. Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much thought into his choice of location as Meyer did into this book. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward moves onto the topic of Alice and Jasper, giving Alice much more focus than Jasper.

 

“Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.”

 

Nice one, Meyer. I see what you did there. The atheists must be evil without a man in the sky telling them what to do. Insert witty Mormon joke here.

It appears Alice has a gift of her very own.

 

“That’s true. She knows other things. She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming.

But it’s very subjective. The future isn’t set in stone. Things change.”

 

Well, that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it? By these rules, Alice can do no wrong. If she’s right, she gets the credit, and if she’s wrong, no biggie, the future’s subjective. Now that Meyer’s put this in place, Alice can basically be used whenever it’s convenient to the plot, and no one can question her since there’s no concrete rules that her power follows. Holy plot device, Batman!

The rest of the section is as miserably boring as an encyclopedia entry. For all you budding writers out there, there’s a difference between world-building and smashing the reader repeatedly into giant walls of text.

So far, this whole chapter has just been Meyer taking a huge steaming infodump all over the reader. Because, you know, having a character explain the backstory of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It’s also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them. Why, imagine how much easier it would have been if Dumbledore just told Harry (Spoiler, but if you haven’t read that book by now, you’re probably living under a rock somewhere and therefore don’t have internet, so.) he was the last horcrux, or if Uncle Ben just told Luke that Darth Vader was his father, Or Professor X just told Cyclops why Magneto was so fucked up. How effortless and boring!

They finally arrive at Bella’s house, and Edward explains more why they chose to live in Forks.

 

“Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?” he teased. “Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There’s a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It’s nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn’t believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years.”

 

Oh, where to begin?

First off, the Olympic Peninsula is not one of the most sunless places in the world. America, maybe, but not the world.

And there’s another issue I have with the sparkling. Meyer does realize that there is still sunlight, even on cloudy days? Otherwise it would be dark as night, which it obviously is not. Hell, the Meyerpires should technically sparkle when exposed to indoor lighting too. I know Twitards are tired of hearing criticism about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on any level. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward spells out a bit more of Alice’s SuPer MySteRiOuS past for us. You know what would be interesting? If Alice actually told us this.

Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Rosebud is the sled, and the man on the floor was really Jigsaw, Bella’s stomach growls, which is apparently a cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Edward says he should probably leave, but Bella says she wants to stay with him.

 

“I want to stay with you.” It was easier to say in the darkness, knowing as I spoke how my voice would betray me, my hopeless addiction to him.
”

 

One shot, plus a penalty shot if you’ve already forgotten about our little game. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.”

 

Will you give it a rest already?!? Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You’ve already established that he’s physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love? (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pretty much invites himself in, walks out, and opens up the truck’s door for her. Of course, he was using his amazing Meyerpire speed, so it was more like he teleported. You know what? It would be really funny if he tripped while moving at hyper speed. He proceeds to open the house door.

 

“He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
 “The door was unlocked?”
 “No, I used the key from under the eave.”

 

Sign number 4 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He knows how to break into your house and does so frequently. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I was curious about you.”
 “You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
 He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”

WHAT THE FUCK?

………..

………………………*stares openmouthed at book*

She…was…flattered?

Well, there you have it, she was not creeped out at all she was flattered I WISH I WAS READING AN ACTUAL BOOK INSTEAD OF A PDF SO I COULD SET IT ON FIRE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GIRL FUCKING THINKING? FLATTERED? FLATTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

FUCK!

Deep calming breaths…

I mean, I’m sorry about the liberal dropping of the F-bomb, but really? This girl is so dense she has no problem with someone breaking into her house? This is just so monumentally idiotic, I just…I need some time to think. *retreats to happy corner*

 

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Okay, I’m good, I’m good.

 

Edward’s behavior is totally unacceptable. I’m sure the issue of how to spend one’s night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward’s attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It’s not just that he’s stalking Bella, it’s how he views it. He treats it as if it’s no big deal, as if it’s his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+2 Red Flag, I just can’t get over this.)

And Bella just shakes it off. No. Just no. This is not a thing we just let go. This is a think where you grab the nearest blunt object and beat him repeatedly over the head with it.

Edward makes his way to the kitchen, where his beauty, “lit up” the whole place. (gag) Bella asks a very valid question.

 

Sign number 5 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He watches you sleep. Every night. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“How often?” I asked casually.
 “Hmmm?” He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of thought.
 I still didn’t turn around. “How often did you come here?”
 “I come here almost every night.”
 I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
 “You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”

 

This is so creepy I don’t know what to say. Imagine this: Picture yourself in a house late at night. You were hired to watch a neighbor’s kid and are just waiting for her to get back when the phone rings.

 

You: Hi, the Smiths aren’t in right now. Can I take a message?

Glittery Stalker: You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.

 

He then informs you, that yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward’s words are creepy, disturbing, and just plain wrong. Don’t even try to tell me that all the, “twu wuv” crap justify his actions. The dude breaks into HER FUCKING HOUSE! He has NO right at ALL to do this. It’s not only Bella’s privacy he’s invading, it’s also Charlie’s, and seeing how Charlie is a cop, I can imagine this would not sit well with him at all.

I mean, how would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, Twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.

 

“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for
 support.”

 

Take as shot.

There, Bella! Are you finally realizing what kind of sicko you’re dealing with? Run, tell him to leave, do something! Get the hell away from that nutjob!

 

“I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.”

 

*stares blankly*

What?

Am I reading this right? Not even Bella fucking Swan can be this stupid. I’m sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.

 

“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.”

 

He said the magic word!

 

“Are you very angry with me?”

”That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.
”

 

Yeah, Bella! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!

 

“On?” he urged.
 “What you heard!” I wailed.

………………………

*jaw drops*

ERROR: THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

 

PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE APPLICATION.

 

PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO REBOOT YOUR REVIEWS. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN THE PROCESS.

Welcome to Twilight Reviewer 5. Loading OS.

… … …

Restarting Reviewer application.

… … … … …

Restoring application to last restore point.

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

… … … … … … … …

WHAT THE HELL?

 

How do I begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that a guy broke into her house multiple times, watched her sleep, and completely invaded her privacy, yet her biggest concern is that she talks in her sleep. My Lord, one stupidity point just isn’t enough. Two won’t properly convey my feelings. So I give you a first in the history of this blog. (+3 Stupidity)

This isn’t just stupid, this is Darwin Award stupid.

 

“Don’t be upset!” he pleaded. He dropped his face to the level of my eyes, holding my gaze. I was
embarrassed. I tried to look away.
”

 

Just take shot.

Has anyone else noticed that Bella’s emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation?

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out early on in chapter 1, is entirely Bella’s fault and was completely avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn’t she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she’s back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep…a lot.

Can’t you just imagine Edward hunched over in a corner of Bella’s room at night, playing with himself and sniffing Bella’s dirty panties?

 

Bella: *asleep* Edward…..

Edward: Oh, yeah, baby! Say my name, Bella! Say it! *sniffs panties* SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

 

Charlie comes home, and Edward displays his newest superpower: teleportation.

 

“Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
 “Should your father know I’m here?” he asked.
 “I’m not sure…” I tried to think it through quickly.
 “Another time then…”

And I was alone.
 “Edward!” I hissed.
 I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.”

 

I hate to break it to ya, Sparklepeen, but you are not Batman. You just kind of look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left. (+1 Red Flag)

Then again, it could just be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be “ghostly,” as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go “wwoOoOo!” or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn’t? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That’s not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a “ghostly” chuckle, I’d call a fuckin’ priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Charlie enters the house.

 

“Bella?” he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn’t seem so far off base.”

 

I find it incredibly hilarious how hard Bella tries to make Charlie look like an idiot, considering the boundless stupidity she’s demonstrated in the last few chapters. Note how she doesn’t even pause to consider what Edward’s repeated break-ins may mean to Charlie. What a self-centered bitch. (+1 Stupidity/Bitch)

 

“His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.”

 

Edward moves awfully lightly for someone made of stone, don’t you think?

 

“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off,
holding the back of Edward’s chair for support.”

 

Edward’s chair? If this were any other person I’d assume the words were meant as “the chair Edward had sat in,” but given Bella/Meyer’s track record, it wouldn’t  surprise me if Bella now considers that “Edward’s chair,” in the possessive sense, just because he’d sat in it once.

Oh, and Bella’s tongue is set on fire by lasagna. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.
”

 

Oh no she didn’t!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough she bitches at her classmates based on their appearance, but her own father? (+1 Bitch) It creeps me out enough that Bella compares her father  to someone she’d like to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don’t meet her prettiness standards.

 

“It was a nice day,” he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.”

 

SO SHE CONSIDERS LEARNING THAT SOMEONE BREAKS IN TO HER HOUSE A NICE DAY FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

 

“Charlie surprised me by being observant. “In a hurry?”

 

Yeah, because Bella’s been oh-so subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. The way this girl talks about her father you’d think he’d be in a program for the mentally challenged. (+1 Bitch)

 

“You look kinda keyed up,” he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?”

 

Because he’s your father, you stupid slut! My God, taking care of you is his job! Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

Now, I’m not saying he can’t get on her nerves, she is a teenager, after all. But she doesn’t so much as pay lip service to Charlie’s authority as her father. I think Charlie needs to put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her GODDAMN FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

The only way that this situation could work would be if that Bella had an actual character. (Gasp! I said the c-word!) Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But nooo! That would mean there would be c…co..c..c…conflict! No sir, everything must be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland! No conflict, no struggling to deal with personal issues, no bothersome real-life complications! It’s all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever! YAAAAAAAY!!!

The worst part of this scenario, in all its awfulness, is that we’re actually supposed to sympathize  with Bella.

 

“It’s Saturday,” he mused.
 I didn’t respond.
 “No plans tonight?” he asked suddenly.”

 

How could he have asked it suddenly when it directly relates to a previous statement? If Meyer had deleted the two lines before it, then it would be sudden. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you remember way back in chapter 6 (Honestly, it might have been chapter 5 or 7, they all blend together after awhile.)  when I said that Meyer robbed her characters of all personality by explaining their every action? Here’s another example of that.

 

“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.
”

 

WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she thinks of it as a quest? Does she see a giant flashing exclamation point over Charlie’s head whenever she talks to him? Any competent author could get that point across without blatantly stating that. Jesus Christ, where in the name of God’s green earth was Meyer’s editor for sentences like these? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

Sign number 6 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He turns you against your friends and family. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Well, you’re too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking.” Every father’s dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.

”Sounds like a good idea to me,” I agreed as I headed up the stairs. 

”‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out. 

”See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.”

 

What…a…bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Aside from the incredibly stupid cliché, you know what I find hilarious? The fact that Bella is pissed that her own father might be checking on her, when Edward breaks into her house EVERY NIGHT! And it is ever so romantic! ARGH!

Bella keeps her streak going by tricking Charlie into thinking that she’s gone to bed. The first thing she does is open her window to call out for Edward, which isn’t a problem because he’s already laying on her bed-

Wait, what?

 

“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.”

 

Did…did he…he actually just went and…

ERROR: THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

*several minutes later*

 

WHAT THE HELL?

God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive. (+2 Red Flag)

What worries me most is the loads of Twitards who wish Edward was real. It makes me weep that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls screaming in their unnaturally high-pitched voices, “He did it because he wuvs her!” or, “It’s just a story!”  Here’s something that proves complete bullshit of the whole fiasco: Would you be nearly as forgiving with a guy who was overweight and ugly, even if he did truly love you? If you said no, you’re a filthy hypocrite. If you said yes, I still have some hope for humanity after all. I’m sorry, but Edward doesn’t get to screw the rules because he’s pretty.

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. It is written in the book. He picks her up as if she’s a fuckin’ toddler. The man treats the girl as if she’s a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

Bella’s ticker gives out again. Sheesh, will she just get that checked out already?

 

“Can I have a minute to be human?” I asked.
”

 

Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word “human” back and forth. While I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

It also bothers me incredibly that Bella has to basically ask permission for a personal moment.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That’s what you do if you’re in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she’d have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW, PLEASE!

 

“The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.”

 

Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

Bella goes downstairs to deceive her father once again, then sprints to her room to eye-hump Sparklepeen some more.

 

“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.”

 

Good God, what is is with this girl and her measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) At least the comparison to Adonis might make sense, it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she’s sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn’t really given any indication of that, and this is all guesswork on Bella’s part, but I’m sure she’s absolutely right on this. She’s a Mary Sue, after all, and they’re always right unless it’s convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward makes out with Bella Eskimo-style again, and while he’s doing that, Bella asks whys it’s so easy for him to be close to her now. Then comes an ass pull so tremendous it makes me want to blue screen again.

 

“I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed. “Mind over matter.”

 

Knock ‘em back, folks.

Sweet Jesus, where do I begin?

Remember when every other word out of Edward’s mouth was telling Bella how dangerous he was and how she should stay away while he hypocritically stalked her? Remember that speech about how vampire thirst was the strongest thing out there, and even the strongest vampires could slip?

All bullshit.

Every. Last. Word.

All that tension Meyer’s been trying to build about how dangerous Edward is, well…, it’s gone. She fucking wasted our time on something she was going to retcon 14 chapters in. That is 7 weeks of my life I will never  get back. FUCK!

Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. AND THAT WAS ON THE FUCKING BACK COVER!

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that’s that. Isn’t that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much. I’m sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That’s the same thing as character growth, isn’t it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what’s up.

 

“Did I do something wrong?”

 

YA THINK? You fucking stalk her, you break into her house, carry her like a toddler, and order her about like she’s your property.

Did I mention the stalking?

 

“No — the opposite. You’re driving me crazy,” I explained.
”

 

I get the feeling that Meyer doesn’t quite understand what the dash means. It is in no way a substitute for a comma, Meyer!

Sparklepeen goes on about how amazing Bella is, and reveals that he’s a virgin, having never been with a girl in 100+ years, and Bella is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. Ugh! Could Meyer make it a little clearer that Bella is a giant Sue?!?

For another thing, this obviously means Edward’s got some issues here. Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right? Yeah. I’ve seen fans defend Edward’s actions by citing his virginity, and how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is “who’s fault is that?”

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what’s stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I’d never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so… human.
”

 

Shut up, shut up, just shut the hell up! Edward has never acted anything but human. Has he ever demonstrated anything that could be considered non-human? If he weren’t human he’d be packing away Bella’s severed body parts and choosing which to have as a snack later.

 

“So there’s no possibility now?”
 “Mind over matter,” he repeated, smiling, his teeth bright even in the darkness.
”

 

THAT’S IT, EVERYONE DIES!

 

I’m just going to speed this up before I smash my laptop in a blind rage.

Edward bitches about how hard his struggle is, completely contradicting what he said earlier. (+1 Stupidity) I’m willing to bet that Edward’s bloodlust is only a problem when it’s convenient for the plot.

 

“Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.” But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.”

 

Wow, Meyer. Is that really the sort of imagery you want to bring to mind? Take a shot. Prisoners and shackles? It’s a good metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn’t what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the whole, “lion and the lamb” thing. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward talks about how difficult it is to be in love as opposed to just reading about it, and Bella agrees. I cracked up when she says that love was more “forceful” than she imagined. Because love should in no way be forceful. I still have a problem believing that Bedward are actually in love, seeing as the just technically went on their first date.

Sparklepeen tells Bella why he started breaking into her room. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic gesture, think again. Edward did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That’s not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from schoolboy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control whatsoever.

What exactly was the point of that, anyway? All Mike did was ask, and Bella says no. Why be jealous? If Bella had said yes, that might almost be a credible reason, but that would cause conflict, and we simply can’t have that.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn’t a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, going so far as to trap her in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of who asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? What happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another God awful book again.

Get your story straight and try some form of consistency, Meyer. (And no, I don’t count consistently sucking as a form of consistency.) (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 7 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He frequently proclaims moral superiority over you.

 

“That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.”

 

YOU WATCH YOUR GIRLFRIEND SLEEP THERE IS NOT A SINGLE MORAL BONE IN YOUR BODY.

Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella’s talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie simply mentioned Mike’s name. He then says “of course,” as in, “of course I’ve been eavesdropping on you, Bella,” as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!  (+1 Red Flag)

I’ll give Edward some credit for at least admitting he’s in the wrong, Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn’t realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a bastard.

Edward’s jealousy is so idiotic that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella “awakening the human” in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn’t have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity, or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie’s physical appearance.

 

Edward: You don’t understand how insanely jealous I’ve been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks!

Edward: Don’t worry, Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we’ve discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you’re more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!

 

That’s pretty much their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward starts on a long-winded speech about how OMFG special Bella (Seriously, just saying her name will create double rainbows, summon unicorns, and cause the very gates of heaven to open and the angels will burst forth in song and dance, scattering tulips wherever they go. That’s how special she is.) is, which only serves to point out how big of a Mary-Sue Bella is, and stroke Meyer’s (and the audience’s) ego, since Bella is a giant self insert. Turns out Edward wasn’t complete in nearly ninety years of existence because Bella hadn’t been born yet.

 

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”

 

You hear that, guys? YOU are so special that the world was a vast, empty place filled with darkness, despair, and the smell of feet until you came along. No wonder people like this book, you’d never need toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

This whole book is pure wish fulfillment. I bet there are plenty of people who’d love to have someone say this kind of stuff to them, and Twilight is telling them exactly what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its most unadulterated form.

Edward then clams up tighter than a virgin on prom night.

 

“What —” I started to ask, when his body became alert.”

 

Take a shot.

Charlie comes up to check on Bella, and afterwards, Edward climbs into bed with her. I guess at this point I really shouldn’t be that surprised. He comments that her scent is mouthwatering, like lavender or freesia or something. Um, I don’t know about you guys, but when I smell flowers, the last thing I want to do is eat them. It would make a helluva lot more sense if she smelled like pepperoni pizza or something. (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 8 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He won’t discuss mature things like sex with you.

 

He paused. “Should I sing you to sleep?”
 “Right,” I laughed. “Like I could sleep with you here!”
 “You do it all the time,” he reminded me.
 “But I didn’t know you were here,” I replied icily.
 “So if you don’t want to sleep…” he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
 “If I don’t want to sleep… ?”

He chuckled. “What do you want to do then?”
 I couldn’t answer at first.
 “I’m not sure,” I finally said.
 “Tell me when you decide.”

 

Bella asks Edward why he doesn’t eat humans, and he gives another long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah fuckety fuck fuck. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They idealize human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they’re not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers, and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer’s clusterfuck of a story.

You know what I don’t get? Why Meyer tries to give us a scientific explanation for certain aspects of her desecrators of the vampire name, such as why they sparkle, why they’re not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when by all her standards it should be impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you’re dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her shitty vampires aren’t harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical, yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

Either make them magical or completely scientific, Meyer. Given the loose grasp you seem to have on most scientific concepts, I’d recommend the former. (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 9 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He rejects your thoughts and ideas regardless of evidence. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don’t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”

 

I see what you did there, Meyer. Slip some religious ideals in, regardless of the evidence about evolution. (While I have nothing against Mormons or any religion, I just can’t resist calling bullshit on Meyer.) This is what I mean about needing to decide whether your vamps are magical or scientific, Meyer!

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don’t need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How ‘bout actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.

 

“I’m glad you can’t read my thoughts. It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.”

 

People find this romantic HOW?

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. ‘Scuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it’s too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same “I’m dangerous, stay away” crap we’ve been hearing nonstop throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I’m giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I’ve covered. I’ll quote one example for context, but it’s one of many.

 

“He seemed to deliberate for a moment.”

 

Who the hell thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

Sign number 10 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He constantly threatens you with death. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“That’s certainly a problem. But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.” His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. “If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”

 

Anyone who likes Twilight has obviously not been in an abusive relationship. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks Edward if they’ll ever get married, even though they’ve only been dating, for like, a day. Then he sings her to sleep. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. (+1 Cream Count) I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

Someone put me out of my misery.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +22

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +7

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +15

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +177

Angst: +21

Bitch: +66

Thesaurus Rape: +54

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +24

Red Flag: +49

Redemption: +6

What this chapter should be called: WHY, GOD, WHY?

Edward Creep-o-meter: I can’t even take him seriously enough to come up with a number.

 

Well, I’m back with part 2 of this duology of fail. Since the vicodin is flowing free and easy through my veins by this point, let’s go. Keep your snark phasers set to kill, people. Before I start snarking, however, I’d like to clear up the difference between thesaurus rape and cream count. Cream count is when the overly wordy sentences describe Edward’s fantabulous beauty, thesaurus rape is for all other occurrences.

Bella sees Sparklepeen in the sun for the first time.

 

“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,
 though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, 
glittering like crystal.”

 

Dear Lord…the cream…the cream… (+2 Cream Count)

 

To be honest, I don’t even know where to turn here. The amount of fail present in these first few paragraphs is fucking incredible.

Bella sits there like a creeper and stares at Sparklepeen for several hours. (+1 Eye Rape)

 

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…
hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.
”

 

Sanity meter: 82%

You’re all formally invited to my funeral. Feel free to use my death as the reason to ban Twilight. (+2 Cream Count)

After a few more paragraphs of Bella diving into the world of arm-stroking erotica and descriptions of Edward’s perfection (+1 Cream Count), we actually get some substance, or what this book calls substance.

 

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent.”

 

I hereby dub Bella the, “Eye Psychic” because she seems to be able to tell a lot more from a person’s eyes than humanly possible.

Bella drones on about how amazing Sparklepeen is and how her life now revolves around having a boyfriend, and oh my God, this proves my entire point about how big a douchesilo Edward is.

 

“I don’t want you to be afraid.” His voice was just a soft murmur.”

 

GODDAMMIT, MEYER! DAMN IT TO HELL!

So ALL  that crap about Edward being dangerous just FLEW OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW, did it? “Oh, Bella, I’m dangerous, stay away Bella, I can’t allow myself to be near you.” Was that all a fucking joke? He STALKS HER ACROSS TOWNS, THREATENS HER, AND NOW SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AFRAID?  God! Continuity, Meyer, continuity! Lord, this makes me want to bludgeon small children to death with a puppy.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths…………………………..

Bella breathes in his chloroform breath, and Edward runs away. This next part totally gets me. Get ready, because this is a long one. You just need to read this all to fully understand the stupidity of this book.

 

“As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly.
 He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow. 
And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone.
 “As if you could fight me off,” he said gently.
 I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I’d never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He’d never been less human… or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.
 His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
 “Don’t be afraid,”…”

 

I’ll get this out of the way, shall I?  (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you understand how amazing this whole passage is? It completely validates everything I’ve been saying about Edward. He totally demonstrates that he is a danger, then turns right around and tells Bella not to be afraid. (+1 Red Flag) Even after all the warnings he gave Bella, he decides to go against them in the end and do whatever the hell will give him the slightest chance of boob. How do people claim that this book is the end all be all of romance, when Edward is a clearly a selfish douche who doesn’t give a damn about the safety of his family or girlfriend? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella isn’t the only Mary-Sue in this book. Edward sets off my Marty-Stu sirens every single time. The man simply has no flaws. I know I know, “But Kate, you call Edward selfish all the time, so how can you say he has no flaws?” I can say that because none of his “flaws” are played off as such. Instead of taking the time to give Edward some depth, Meyer decides to focus on his looks rather than his personality. Flaws in this book only exist to make the characters more perfect.

After some meaningless crap that, honestly, I just skimmed over, Edward compares his preference to Bella to a heroin addict’s favorite brand. (Remember: drugs are cool, Edward said so.)

Sparklepeen crosses the TMI line by explaining exactly how close he’d come to murdering Bella when they first met.

 

“It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —” He stopped 
abruptly, looking away.”

 

He’s not exactly helping his case here, is he? He openly admits the enormity of his struggle to resist killing Bella. Any sane person would take the … can this even be called a hint? It’s not like any effort is really being made to disguise the meaning of his words. He’s saying, point blank, that he feels the urge to kill her. What more does any rational thinking person need to be convinced that perhaps going out with him is a bad idea?

This brings up another problem I have with this damn book. Why are these vampire teens going to school, surrounded by exactly what they’re trying to resist? Hell, it’s like hiring a recovering alcoholic to work in a liquor store. This whole setup just screams of disaster. I mean, what if Eddykins had just been having a bad day when he met Bella? (I guess his ability to give large amounts of people amnesia would help.)

And what about Jasper, the vamp so green even a papercut sends him into a frenzy? That’s an awfully large risk to take. The more I think about this the dumber it gets. What happens when a kid has an accident and cuts himself? Scrapes his knees in gym? Now that I think about it, has a male vamp ever had a strong urge to drink the blood of a male human in these books, or vice versa? I’m curious about that. If not, then why the hell not? Unless blood drinking is supposed to be an allegory for sex, gender shouldn’t matter. But hey. Drop a comment if you have any thoughts on this.

While I’m on this topic, there are plenty of girls bleeding out the hoo-ha on any given day. Wouldn’t this pose a serious danger? I’ll give Meyer some credit, because she gave us the “dead blood” explanation, which, by the way, is complete bullshit. There are still plenty of opportunities for students to be walking around bloody. Accidents, fights, injuries, all of which can and do happen in high school.

Why even send them to school anyway? It’s not like they need the education. Have they not heard of home schooling? That would allow them to live their lives with far less risk to their secrets. “But if Edward didn’t go to school, there’d be no book!” you might say. Bullshit. A competent writer can get around that with just a little application of effort and imagination. Wait, that requires that the writer be competent, put actual effort into her work, and have imagination. Yeah, definitely not Meyer.

Damn, how off topic am I? Getting back on topic here.

 

“To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.”

 

Strangely mirroring how I feel about Bella, Edward, and Meyer.

 

“The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day.”

 

So you don’t even need there to be blood to be tempted. See, this is why it’s totally stupid to have the Cullens attend school. To me, this is as much of a good idea as it is to hire a man named Mr. Badtouch to privately tutor your seven year old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what’s really sad? In the hands of a better writer, this situation could truly be compelling. If the characters were more developed (meaning, at all), Bella’s attraction for a vampire who wants to drink her blood could work as a plot point. The reason why it doesn’t work for Twilight when similar plots have worked in other stories is because the situations here are contrived. The characters don’t behave like people as much as puppets going through the motions and reciting dialog.

This is just another case of Meyer cutting corners. She wants so much to get straight to the perfect sparkly romance that having her characters act like actual people would be too time consuming for her to do. As a consequence, she just has them say or do whatever’s needed to get straight to the Edward body worship, leaving things like character development and, y’know, an actual story on the cutting room floor. As a consequence of this, Bella and Edward rush into a relationship (I use the word lightly) even though it makes no fricking sense. The way it is now, Bella is a moron for essentially dating a man with a predisposition towards murder (namely hers) and Edward is beyond selfish for pursuing Bella despite the whole wanting to kill her thing.

I don’t think the meadow scene should be happening now. It should happen later, after the characters have undergone some development and after Bella and Edward have some actual chemistry. Right now we have what’s supposed to be a significant and highly romantic moment between two people whose sole common link is that they happen to own the same CD. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer a couple to have progressed a little further than that before they begin casually risking death (or murder) and expressing their unconditional love.

Hell, even the “lion and the lamb” line would work if it was established as some kind of in-joke during the course of their character development.

Hoo boy, do I know how to get off topic or what? Back to the crapfest.

 

“In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone.”

 

Sanity meter: 67%

Who the hell finds this attractive? That’s like going out and having your date tell you exactly how he planned to murder you. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what the real crime in this book is? That nothing is ever done with Edward’s bloodlust. Edward goes on and on about how ‘dangerous’ he is, but we never actually see anything, because that would take competence. Any sort of conflict in this book is thrown out the window to make room for perfect sparkly descriptions of Edward.

Speaking of which:

 

“His golden eyes 
scorched from under his lashes, hypnotic and deadly.”

 

*sigh* Flip open a dictionary, Meyer. I promise it won’t kill you. (+1 Thesaurus/Eye Rape) The word “scorch” denotes an object being affected by heat, being either destroyed, shriveled, or in some other way altered. It can also denote criticism or sarcasm, like how this blog scorches the shitty Twilight book.

Meyer/Bella describe Edward’s eyes as, “hypnotic and deadly” giving off the definite vibe that we’re supposed to find Edward sexy, because being told by a whiny pale brat the exact method in which he’d planned to murder you is such a turn on.(+1 Stupidity)Meyer is trying really hard to give Edward a bad boy image. Oooh, he’s so brooding and dangerous, but that’s okay because of course YOU can heal him. Remember, kiddies, all girls want bad boys.

 

Edward: You have no idea how close I came to killing you.

Bella: Oh, Edward, tell me more!

Edward: I would have lured you away to someplace private.

Bella: And I would have went!

Edward: I would then have torn open your throat and lapped up the blood. Since Meyer was too dumb to give us fangs, it’s not very easy for us to get at the blood, so it would have been quite messy.

Bella: Yes! Oh yes!

Edward: Then I would have violated your dead body repeatedly until I got bored with it.

Bella: Don’t stop!

Edward: I would have then hacked up your remains and burned them to dispose of the evidence.

Bella: AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Edward: Did… did you just have one?

Bella: I didn’t say stop, Edward! What would you have done with my ashes?

Edward: Um … you are WAY more into this than I thought you’d be.

Bella: Threatening my life only makes you more mysterious and sexy!

 

Sparklepeen elaborates on how he almost killed her and the secretary in the office. People find this romantic HOW?

Having properly adjusted Edward’s emo levels, (+1 Angst) Meyer grabs melodrama right by the throat and starts choking the life out of the poor thing. She describes how Sparkles fled the state, and how devastating it would have been to his family if he had chosen to tell them. I’ve watched soap operas better than this. Apparently a combo of guilt, shame, and homesickness made Sparkles come back.

You know what’s doubly sad? Edward’s trip to Alaska has been the closest thing to character development in this book so far. Meyer, you fail at writing.

 

Sanity meter: 55%

 

“It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your
reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in

Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I
couldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating.” He frowned at the
memory.”

 

Jeez, can we just lay off Jessica? Now her very thoughts are being criticized? And why does Sparklepeen even need to listen to Jessica anyway? Doesn’t he have super hearing or something? Yes, he does, it was mentioned last chapter, so why does he need to listen to Jessica’s mind? Am I missing something here? (+1 Stupidity)

And then the stalking begins. He could have just left Bella alone and avoided her, but Bella-Sue is so ZOMFG fascinating he just couldn’t resist. He wished he could read her thoughts, but seeing as her thoughts at the time were along the lines of, “I hate Forks; everyone here sucks for being nice to me, I hate Forks; these boys are so annoying for liking me, I hate Forks; it’s too cold and too wet. WAAAH! I HATE FORKS!” I really doubt Edward would have been too impressed with what he saw. I’m starting to think that Edward CAN read her mind, the bitch just doesn’t have much going on upstairs.

Since Sparklepeen is determined to recap everything that’s happened, he reaches where the book should have ended the van incident. Bella eats it all up, completely falling for the dangerous=sexy idea. I bet this is supposed to make Bella look selfless, but it really just highlights how stupid and selfish she is. After hearing all of that she is stupid for not being concerned for her own life. Also, it’s selfish for her to insist on staying with him knowing how much pain her very presence causes him. Granted he would just keep stalking her, but a true show of selfless compassion would be a willingness to let him go in order to keep him from suffering. Even if that didn’t pan out, the mere willingness to let him go for his own sake would be placing the happiness of the one she supposedly loves over her own selfish wants.

You know what I don’t get? Why people call the characters in this book, “selfless” when all we ever hear from either of them is, “me, me, me.”

 

Bella: Even though my being near you causes you intense discomfort, I will still follow you everywhere, even though dating you is like dating a paroled murderer, because having a hot boyfriend is the meaning of my life!

Edward: Even though my being near you could potentially result in your tragic and gruesome death, I’m still going to stalk you between towns because you smell pretty, even though going out with you would be like dating a cheeseburger.

 

Can’t you just smell the twu wuv? (+1 Stupidity)

Concern about the other is only given a moment’s lip service by Edward and his “warnings”(This book greatly defines my need for a sarcasm font.) until he basically goes “oh, I’m bored now” and throws that out the window. This story isn’t about love as much as it is about instant gratification and wish fulfillment. I suppose that’s why it’s so popular. It says “you too can have a hot guy fall in love with you instantly, because you’re just that special.” It takes out all those bothersome things like compatibility, communication, and compromise, and it promises that you can have your cake (Cheeseburger?) and eat it too.

Unfortunately, real love doesn’t work that way.

Edward moves on to the hospital scene, and this next part just blows me away. He describes the fight he had with his family.

 

“I fought with Rosalie,
Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we’ve ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice.” He grimaced when he said her name. I couldn’t imagine why. “Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay.” He shook his head indulgently.
”

 

Do you understand the mind-melting hypocrisy of this quote? Aren’t the Cullens supposed to be the righteous and selfless good guys? Isn’t it their vow to not eat humans that they believe separates them from monstrous vampires? That we see ANY of them actually advocating the killing of Bella proves how full of shit they are. At least in the case of Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, they’re only good non-people eaters whenever it’s convenient for them. Esme is also guilty for giving Edward the green light to do whatever he wants in this situation. I’m particularly surprised by Emmett, considering what we just learned about him. He’s obviously learned nothing from either Carlisle or those two times he “fell off the wagon.” I guess this just shows which of the Cullens will stick to there guns when the going gets tough.

Edward describes how he eavesdropped on Bella after the hospital incident. He says it would have been better if he had killed her in public rather than in the meadow, where there’s no one to stop him.

That is not creepy at all. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I was human enough to have to ask. “Why?”

 

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? (+1 Stupidity)

 

Edward professes his undying love for Bella, but Bella, determined not to be out-hammed by Sparklepeen, Bella gives a mercifully short declaration of her feelings.

 

“You already know how I feel, of course,” I finally said. “I’m here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.”

 

What an idiot.

 

I frowned. “I’m an idiot.”

 

Indeed, Bella. Indeed.

 

“You are an idiot,” he agreed with a laugh.”

 

Well, finally, we all agree on something.

Why do I feel it’s a little too soon to be playing the, “I’d die for you” card? When a character reaches a point where she would literally die for the one she loves it is usually after they’d spent a significant amount of time together, endured trial and hardship, got to see each other’s flaws and still loved each other; saw each other at their most broken and defeated, and gave of themselves to help each other through. Bella and Edward are on what technically could be considered their first date, and their most personal conversation was about Bella’s favorite color.

This is why Meyer fails. The entire situation is too unbelievable. Bella and Sparklepeen are not deeply emotionally connected. They like each other completely based on physical attributes, which is a fine way to start a relationship, but it’s not fine to call it love. The most we’ve seen is lust, which is why it would make a helluva lot more sense if they just started fucking like jackrabbits.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.”

 

What the fuck?

 

Even though I’ve heard hundreds of rabids quote this line, I imagined it would at least sound slightly better in context, but this is just bad. This is the kind of stuff they read prisoners at Guantanamo to break their minds.

 

“What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.

”What a sick, masochistic lion.”

 

Sanity meter: 43%

 

This makes no sense and proves Meyer has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Alternatively, she means that Edward derives gratification from resisting his vampire urges? If so, then that kind of robs this situation of any of the drama Meyer tries and fails to create. You may be thinking, “It’s masochism because he stays with Bella even though she causes him pain!” No! Masochism is pleasure from pain and/or humiliation. For Edward’s behavior to be masochistic, he’d have to pursue Bella BECAUSE he gets a high off of the emotional pain rather than in spite of it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella pretty much asks how she can do to make things easier for Edward.

 

“I’ll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn’t do.”

 

Does anyone else think that having to learn from your boyfriend how to keep yourself from ending up in a ditch just MIGHT be a bad sign? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you.”

 

You can cut your hair to better expose your neck and inflict a fresh cut every hour. That would help me tremendously.

 

“Well…” He contemplated for a moment. “It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn’t expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat.” He stopped short, looking to see if he’d upset me.
”

 

Since everything with a vagina has been eye humping Eddykins shamelessly, I can only assume repelled means attracted in Meyerland. Consistency FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

If that wasn’t weird enough for you, now Edward decides to on his boob inspector hat, and puts his head on Bella’s chest, getting quite a view of the twins. He decides he likes one boob more than the other, and shifts his face to look at it.

 

“His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
 Listening to my heart.
”

 

Sentence. Fragment. Detected. (+1 Stupidity)

In a pretty awkward scene, Edward sizes up the girls, places his hands on Bella’s shoulders, and motorboats her.

Okay, it didn’t happen, but it would have been funny if it did.

I have the best idea.

 

“Was that very hard for you?”
 “Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?”

 

Every time we run across a phrase that looks like it belongs in an erotic novel, take a shot. You’ll be plastered in record time.

 

“No, it wasn’t bad… for me.”

 

Take a shot. Edward places Bella’s hand on his cheek to show OMFG heat transfers!  (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Do you feel how warm it is?”

 

Sanity meter: 37%

 

Um, question. If his skin can be warmed by skin-to-skin heat transfer, then how is it that he is constantly cold to the point where touching Bella can give her frostbite (chapter 11)? Meyer is a real pro at consistency, isn’t she? (+1 Stupidity) And another shot.

 

“But I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something 

I’d dreamed of constantly since the first day I’d seen him.”

 

Lines like these make me consider just throwing in the towel right now.

Bella strokes Edward’s face, what I assume is the face-touching equivalent of a blowjob. In a paragraph so cheesy there aren’t enough Frenchmen in the world to consume it, Bella describes Edward as “perfect” and “flawless”, (+1 Cream Count) while resisting the urge to inhale his chloroform breath. (+1 Eye Rape)

Edward goes all emo on us…again.

 

“I wish,” he whispered, “I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand.”

 

I wish I could understand these complex feelings too, because this book seems to have none. He’s pretty and she smells good. What’s so complex about that? (+1 Stupidity)

More cheeseball dialogue, and Bella imitates Edward by putting her head on his chest.

 

“In a very human gesture, he put his arms around me and pressed his face against my hair.”

 

That’s complete bullshit, seeing as Sparklepeen has never actually demonstrated any alien attributes.

Meyer’s problem is that she completely relies on informed attributes. The use of such is especially bad because she just pulls new character attributes out of her ass whenever it’s needed. Example: it’s like, “In this chapter Lauren is upset because Bella spends time with the Cullens. Now in this chapter she’s mad because Tyler’s attracted to her. Why? Because it’s convenient.” Competent writing FTW!

 

“You have to go.” 

”I thought you couldn’t read my mind.” 

”It’s getting clearer.” I could hear a smile in his voice.”

 

So Meyer basically stole away just what made Bella, “special”. Whoo boy, competence sure is important, isn’t it? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Can I show you something?” he asked, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes.
”

 

NO NO NO NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! (Take a shot. Do you feel the room spinning yet?)

 

“I’ll show you how I travel in the forest.”

 

Oh, Lord, for a minute there, I thought he was going to show her his penis.

Bella asks if Edward will turn into a bat, and Meyer uses her jackhammer named, “Originality” to drill it into us that her vampires are different. Like we didn’t realize that already.

 

“Come on, little coward, climb on my back.”

 

Edward: Come on, get on my back, and make sure you’re wearing that strap-on dildo I gave you. You’re not Emmett, but with a little practice, you’ll do just fine!

Bella: I knew I should have dated Mike.

 

Bella is nervous, so Edward calmly assures her that all is well, and gives her a minute to act of her own initiative. That is exactly what doesn’t happen. Edward slings her on to his back like a child, and takes off. YOU WILL DO AS EDWARD CULLEN COMMANDS, YOU PUNY HUMAN!

And he starts running with AMAZING MEYERPIRE SPEED!

 

“He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet…”

 

Soooo…he flew through the forest in a straight trajectory,  until he either hit something or ran out of momentum? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“…like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth.

 

How considerate of him to slow down enough for Bella to check whether or not he left footprints. And if Edward is moving that fast, Bella should be able to hear a considerate amount of air rushing past her ears. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“His breathing never changed, never indicated any 
effort.”

 

Once again, Meyer tries to shove her dildo named, “Edward is super special awesome sexy! Squeee!” down my throat, and fails remarkably. Take another shot, plus a penalty shot if you forgot about the game.

 

“But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.
”

 

Very safe indeed. I assume we can add x-ray vision to Edward’s growing list of superpowers. Next thing we know, the guy’ll be popping adamantium claws out of his knuckles.

I really hope Bella isn’t prone to motion sickness.

 

“I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them.”

 

Ah, the rushing air that she somehow can’t hear. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight.”

 

Have you ever flown in an airplane before, Meyer? Unless she means a very small craft that can’t go very high or fast, windows on an airplane don’t open, and for a very good reason. If a window on, say, a 747, were opened,  the cabin would depressurize, sucking everything that wasn’t bolted down out the window, leaving you with lots of unhappy and potentially dead people. I think it’s safe to assume, that at this point, I’ve actually put more thought into this book than the actual author.

 

“And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.
”

 

Yeah, that high-speed run was a fantastic idea, wasn’t it?

Apparently they reach the truck in minutes, even though they spent “hours” hiking to the meadow. Okay, let’s think about this. Since Meyer’s incredibly vague, I’m gonna assume they walked at a normal pace for 2 hours. Now, the average walking speed is about 3 mph, so we’ll assume they walked a total of six miles, give or take some. But, Sparklepeen is able to run back in minutes. For convenience’s sake, I’ll say it took him 6 minutes. That’s 1 mile per minute, meaning he was traveling at about 60mph. I guess one of Edward’s other powers is to transform into a blue hedgehog.

Don’t get me wrong, this is an approximation, so I won’t hold it against Meyer. My bullshit calculations were meant to give you an idea of how fast they were traveling, so you understand the complete stupidity behind the fact that he just took the girl who panics at his fast driving on a high speed run. It’s a fucking miracle she didn’t get whiplash considering the G-forces involved in Edward’s course corrections to avoid trees and whatnot.

I’m sure this is meant to make Edward look all impressive and shit, but the dude sparkles. He fucking sparkles.

 

Sanity meter: 26 %

 

“Exhilarating, isn’t it?” His voice was high, excited.
”

 

Take a shot.

Bella feels sick, and says she wants to lie down. Edward’s response? He laughs. Real winner we’ve got here. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I guess that wasn’t the best idea,” he mused.”

 

Oh, really?!?

 

“Hah! You’re as white as a ghost — no, you’re as white as me!”

 

Because every girl just loves it when you kick them while they’re down. (+1 Red Flag)

I hope that maybe Edward will learn from his mistake and realize Bella+Meyerpire speed=sick.

 

“I think I should have closed my eyes.”
 “Remember that next time.”
 “Next time!” I groaned.
 He laughed, his mood still radiant.”

 

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Take a shot.

Meyer gushes over Edward for a minute, and follows it up with him bragging about how running is so easy he doesn’t even have to think about it. Then they kiss, or rather he kisses her and then is surprised when she reciprocates. I just have to shake my head at this. Two people in twu wuv, expressing their unconditional and irrevocable love for each other, one expressing a casual willingness to die for the other, and they hadn’t even kissed yet. (+1 Stupidity)

I gather from the writing that Edward was testing to see if he’d murder her if he got too excited from their kissing. He has no trouble with it, reining in his bloodlust so neatly that we don’t even see a hint of it. For something that has been talked up so much as this huge, dangerous thing, it’s a surprising non-factor here. From what I see in this book so far, the vampire bloodlust only exists to supply Edward with angst so that Bella and Edward’s “relationship” can be made out to be this forbidden and dangerous thing. The problem is that we’re not dealing with actual danger, but rather the promise of danger.

 

“Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.”

 

Two shots.

Meyer goes on to gush about Edward’s “seraphic” face, and how it would cause Bella physical pain to be separated from him. I think a little of my lunch just came up there. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward suggests that maybe he should drive. Bella says no.

 

“”I can drive better than you on your best day,” he teased. “You have much slower reflexes.”

 

What a douchesilo.

 

“I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t think my nerves, or my truck, could take it.”

 

A very valid point. Since Bella is already sick from being tossed around on Edward’s back, it might make her feel better.

 

“He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
”

 

HOW DARE A PATHETIC HOO-MAN NOT DO EXACTLY AS I COMMAND? Seriously folks, are you aware of how fucked up this is? Edward fully expects to get exactly what he wants in this “relationship,” so much so that Bella saying no to him is a source of disbelief. He literally cannot believe that she told him no. God, I hate this book. (+1 Red Flag)

Edward calmly agrees to let her drive, but insists she sit for a minute so that she can drive when she feels up to it.

Oh whoops, that is exactly what does not happen.

The brat demands he get his way, and says he can’t let her drive drunk.

 

“You’re intoxicated by my very presence.” He was grinning that playful smirk again.
”

 

How do you grin a smirk? What’s next, will Edward laugh a chuckle? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“There was no way around it; I couldn’t resist him in anything.”

 

Sanity meter: 9%

 

Christ on a carousel, sentences like these make me want to pull my hair out. How do people not see what is wrong with this whole relationship?

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Bella is so weak-willed that she can’t say no to Edward, even over something as relatively minor as this, or the fact that THIS is what girls are trumpeting as one of the greatest romances in recent history. As I pointed out in previous chapters, namely chapter ten, Bella lets Edward get away with a ton of shit. He belittles her, condescends to her, threatens her (Parking lot incident, anyone?), ignores her wishes, emotionally manipulates her, stalks her, and breaks into her house without her knowledge (though I’ll let that last one slide for now since she doesn’t know it yet). Generally he is a reckless jerk who is convinced that HE knows what’s best for Bella without any input from her and insists that she WILL do what HE wants whether she likes it or not. All of this while knowing her for all of … gee, how long has it been so far? Weeks?

He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a hypocrite. She puts up with all of this, and why? Because he’s pretty. Because he is physically attractive he can do no wrong. This behavior is not even restricted to the characters in the book; the fans themselves will defend Edward to the death for similar, if not the same, reasons. What irritates me is when they chime in “he does it for her own good, he loves her, he means well so it’s okay.”

No. No it is not.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, folks. It does not matter if he genuinely means well, though whether or not he does is debatable. If you were locked in a room and told you could never leave, would it matter if the furniture was nice and you were fed well? No. Regardless of the conditions you would still be a prisoner. To use another phrase, a gilded cage is still a cage, and that’s exactly what Edward is, a gilded cage. They both look nice and shiny, but they keep you prisoner all the same. Does it matter if you’re locked in because your jailer thinks that’s what’s best for you? No. What I find truly disturbing is how close the “good intentions” argument comes to the testimony of some abused women who actually defend their assailants. “He only hits me because he loves me!” Ugh!

Even if you’re honestly psychotic enough to beat your spouse, it’s still not okay. Edward’s behavior can’t be excused just because he means well.

You know what? I’m willing to bet if Edward weren’t super smexy awesome, he wouldn’t get away with half this shit.

 

“I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly.”

 

Damn it to hell, why does every little sentence that describes Edward sound like a scene from 300? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Regardless,” he finally murmured, “I have better reflexes.”

 

Sanity meter: 0%

Bottoms up, my friends.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +18

Angst: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +3

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: +6

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +150

Angst: +21

Bitch: +61

Thesaurus Rape: +47

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +21

Red Flag: +34

Redemption: +6

What this chapter should be called: I welcome our new cloud overlords.

 

I think I’ll begin this chapter with a prediction. Since the chapter is called “interrogations”, I’m going to assume there’s really only one interrogation, and it’s most likely going to be Jessica asking Bella questions about her dinner with Edward. Kudos to me if Bella flips a bitch, and Jessica was only naturally being curious.

Bella wakes up and assumes last night was all a dream. I really hate it when she does that. I know you think that her disbelief comes from the fact that Edward’s a vampire, but considering Bella’s usual train of thought when it comes to Edward, I doubt that’s it. Remember, this girl’s not exactly the poster child for common sense.

 

“Logic wasn’t on my side, or common sense.”

 

Oh, sweetheart, it never was.

Thankfully, Meyer cuts the description of Bella’s morning rituals. She’s quickly out the door and out into the foggy day. (The fog magically turns to mist in the next  sentence.) Apparently the fog was so thick it was concealing another car that happens to be silver…oh God, please, I can’t take any more of this torture, no! Have mercy, Lord!

 

“I didn’t see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.
”

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

“Do you want to ride with me today?” he asked…”

 

Goddamn glittery stalker. What did he do, sit out there all night or something? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“…amused by my expression as he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope.
”

 

Christ on a unicycle, how do I even begin to explain how messed up that is? It says a lot that Meyer has to specifically point out that Edward is giving Bella a choice in the matter, because Edward previously hadn’t given her a choice. So this is their relationship, where the him letting the her choose is a noteworthy occurrence. Don’t even try to pretend that isn’t sexist. Not that Bella has much of a choice, anyway. I mean, Sparklepeen does have her trapped in the driveway, and this is the same guy who had dragged her across a parking lot and forced her into his Volvo.

And if Edward keeps hoping she’ll refuse, why is he even there in the first place?  Once again, he ignores his own warnings and makes Bella do exactly what he tells her not to. Filthy hypocrite. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella says yes, and it turns out Edward’s tan jacket (which was light beige two chapters ago) is in the passenger’s seat.

 

“The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be possible…”

 

I get it, Edward is super special awesometastic. Can we move on now?

Edward says that he brought the jacket so that Bella wouldn’t get sick, and never mind that you can’t actually catch a cold from cold weather. (+1 Stupidity) Sensing another good eye-hump opportunity, Bella pounces like a bitch in heat.

 

“I brought the jacket for you. I didn’t want you to get sick or something.” His voice was guarded. I
 noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the
 fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”

 

I have nothing to say about this. (+1 Eye Rape/ Cream Count)

If this book stopped focusing so much on physical appearance and actually gave the characters some personality, maybe it wouldn’t be half bad.

Moving on. Bella says that she is not that delicate as she puts on the jacket, smelling it again and commenting that it smells better than she remembered. By now I’m wondering when Edward will start walking on water and giving sight to the blind. Edward comments that Bella is fragile(coughweakcough).

 

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.”

 

Let me get this straight. There is a fog out that is so thick that, in Bella’s words, the air is “smoky with it,” and Edward is still speeding? What, does he have super fog-piercing vision as well as giving large amounts of people amnesia? (+1 Stupidity) Edward comments on Bella’s lack of questioning.

 

“He turned to smirk at me. “What, no twenty questions today?”

 

It’s called consistency, Meyer. In some chapters, Edward is a snarky, almost-attractive dude, while in others, he’s a glittery stalker douchebag. WTF, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward points out that Bella is a speshul-snowflake because she takes everything so well. Bella worries that she’s made her man upset. (If anyone wants to start counting up sexism points, feel free.) What a lovely relationship dynamic.

 

“No, that’s the problem. You take everything so coolly — it’s unnatural. It makes me wonder what you’re really thinking.”

”I always tell you what I’m really thinking.”

 

Making sexism jokes about Twilight is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Edward says that not knowing every little thing she thinks is incredibly annoying to him. ( After all, she might do something he doesn’t approve of. The horror!) (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks where the rest of Sparklepeen’s family is.

 

“They took Rosalie’s car.” He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up.

”Ostentatious, isn’t it?”

 

beiukfhwr 1ou40 urgbsj  jbgkr g jbgnm 37 ksjg ughiksb ruhkir jnvls9eufn hjfn,smvbgu hg irhgjm ihsgvnj rijgeldig jho8ys lhsdhu hjhfelwi djifneiiifn fhusyfhhnfi ifibbfiwnfjjeinf iehf iekhw

I’m sorry, I just had a momentary breakdown from the stupidity of that sentence.

Look up “ostentatious”, and tell me it fits right in a description of someone’s car. What, is the exterior covered in precious gems with flowers dangling from the antenna or something? That would be an ostentatious car. What makes this car so damn ostentatious? The fact that it’s red, or the fact that it’s a convertible? Is it really any more showy than a silver Volvo? Poor thesaurus.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Um, wow,” I breathed. “If she has that, why does she ride with you?”
 “Like I said, it’s ostentatious. We try to blend in.”

 

Didn’t this girl live in Phoenix? I really doubt that she’s never seen a nice convertible before. But then again, it’s a Cullen car, so it’s probably also a time machine, fully equipped with a warp drive, and has the ability to summon dragons. (+1 Stupidity) Bella asks why they took Rosalie’s car if they’re trying to keep a low profile.

 

“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.”

 

Because Edward is a bad boy rebel, putting in his rebel hair gel and  doing his rebel eyeliner, tweezing his rebel eyebrows and driving his rebel Volvo. That didn’t even answer Bella’s question. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward sticks close to Bella (Always knew he had no concept of personal space.), who says that she wants to touch Edward but is afraid that he won’t like that. Some relationship they’ve got there, huh? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Why do you have cars like that at all?” I wondered aloud. “If you’re looking for privacy?”

”An indulgence,” he admitted with an impish smile. “We all like to drive fast.”

 

Edward says that everyone in his family likes to drive fast. Aren’t they trying to keep their cover? They want to blend in, so they speed down the streets like maniacs? Even if we accept Edward’s bullshit excuse about mind-reading allowing him to break the law (A theory I ripped a new asshole last chapter), what about his other siblings who don’t have his power? Did Meyer put any thought into this pile of shit ? (+1 Stupidity)

They meet Jessica, who’s apparently turned into a cartoon character complete with eyes that pop out of the sockets. She returns Bella’s jacket.

 

“Good morning, Jessica,” Edward said politely. It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible.

Or what his eyes were capable of.”

 

Sentence. Fragment. Detected. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer feels the need to beat it in to us a little more how superawesomegorgeoussexyamazing  Edward is by having any and all females immediately orgasm at the sight of him. (+1 Cream Count/ Eye Rape)

Jessica rushes away (to clean herself off, probably) and Edward asks Bella what she intends to tell Jessica. Bella requests help from Edward, again pleading instead of asking. At this point, I imagine kneeling and clasped hands are involved. Edward, the douchebag, refuses to help her because it wouldn’t be “fair.” The guy reads people’s minds on a regular basis, but THIS is unfair?

I’ve decided to upgrade Edward’s douche container. Instead of a douchebag, he’s now a douchesilo. A fucking silo.

Apparently Jessica wants to know if they’re secretly dating and how Bella feels about Glitterdick. Apparently Edward is so amazing that the people they pass in the hallways are staring at them (gag). He fixes a stray lock of hair on Bella’s head, which makes her heart “splutter hyperactively” (double gag). Edward says he’ll be listening in on the answer to the second question (Absolutely not controlling at all.)  (+1 Red Flag)

How many times have I said, “We get it, Meyer” in these reviews?

Bella is irritated because Edward hasn’t been helpful at all. I get the impression that Meyer wants us to think Edward is being cute and sexy when he’s really just being a dick. Isn’t it in his best interest, as a vampire in hiding, to make sure that Bella has a good story to tell Jessica? Does a 100+ old vampire really think that it’s a good idea to withhold advice, sending Bella to face Jessica unprepared and risk her letting something slip? I guess Sparklepeen is too busy being a douchesilo to realize this. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Morning, Bella,” Mike said from the seat next to me. I looked up to see an odd, almost resigned look on his face. “How was Port Angeles?”

 

Maybe Mike just realized that you aren’t the best thing since sliced bread. (+1 Bitch)

Mike asks Bella if Jessica said anything about their date last Monday. Bella tells him Jessica had a good time. I think it’s fantastic that Mike is moving on from Bella, seeing as she isn’t good enough to breathe the same air as him, but the way Jessica is presented as Mike’s consolation prize just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m also hate how their hooking up was a little too convenient, occurring at just the right time so that Bella would be free to obsess over Edward without any of those pesky human emotions or complicated human friendships getting in the way. As we all know, Meyer hates conflict. (+1 Stupidity)

The only good thing that comes out of this is that I don’t have to watch everything with a penis drool over Bella anymore.

 

“English and then Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess’s thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it wasn’t saving my life.”

 

A problem she wouldn’t be having were Edward not a tremendous douchesilo. Also, Edward’s psychic powers never saved her life so far. His super speed and strength saved her from the van, and he followed Bella in Port Angeles by tracking her scent. He did mention randomly reading people’s thoughts, but that hadn’t helped him. Continuity is your friend, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low,
oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.
”

 

Meyer describes them as “oppressing clouds.” Not “oppressive,” but “oppressing.” What, are the clouds demanding that Bella sit in the back of the bus or something? Are they forcing slaves to build the pyramids? So THAT’S how Stonehenge was constructed: by cloud-controlled slave labor! Damn clouds, I’m on to you!  In other news, the poor thesaurus is taking it up the ass as we speak. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Maybe the sky glowers because the clouds are oppressing it.

 

“Edward was right, of course. When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly 
bouncing off her seat in agitation.”

 

Because the man is always right and girls live and breathe gossip.

I’m kicking myself so hard for not adding a sexism counter.

 

“W-o-w.” She exaggerated the word into three syllables. “Edward Cullen.”

 

How the hell do you exaggerate “wow” into three fucking syllables? (+1 Stupidity)

The rest of the conversation lapses into what Meyer presumes to be girl talk. Are Bella and Edward going on a date? Did he kiss her? Will he kiss her? You should have seen that waitress flirting with him! Like, OMG, I can feel my hair turning blonde!

 

“Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.”

 

Says the girl who instantly forgave being dragged across a parking lot, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being stalked, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being scowled at and repeatedly ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who waved away a nightmare in which Edward tried to kill her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who has no problem with Edward being a bloodthirsty vampire who might end up murdering her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who puts up with thinly veiled threats, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who didn’t mind being picked up and carried like a child, her protests ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who had no trouble with being commanded to eat, even though she wasn’t hungry, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who, last chapter, confessed her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for a guy she doesn’t know because ZOMFG HE’S EDWARD!

And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward’s flaws because he’s pretty? (+2 Bitch for the great irony of the situation)For that matter, the majority of the Twilight fandom is guilty of this; including, ironically, Meyer herself. You see why the above quote is so mind-meltingly awesome? She tries to make Bella appear mature by making Jessica out to be vapid and shallow, but that’s exactly how Bella herself behaves. (+1 Stupidity)

Jessica describes Edward as “intimidating,” and I can almost feel Meyer nudging me on the shoulder and saying “He’s dangerous, I want you to think he’s dangerous. Isn’t he dangerous? Obey me, reader!”

Bella turns the conversation to Jessica, and they talk about Mike and Jessica’s date. When the lunch bell rings, Bella leaps up so fast you’d think someone set fire to her ass. Jessica finally calls her on the fact that she’s going to ditch them for some good ol’ eye sex with Sparklepeen.

 

“I couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t disappear inconveniently again.
But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.”

 

WE FUCKING GET IT, MEYER! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward goes through the lunch line, piling food on a plate, not bothering to ask Bella what she wants. Can’t you just smell the twu wuv in the air?

Bella is curious if Edward can eat people food. He glares at her, takes a bite of pizza, and speaks “condescendingly” to her. No joke, the word is actually used. (+1 Red Flag) Sparklepeen gets annoyed by Jessica’s thoughts, saying Jessica will want to talk to Bella later.

 

“So the waitress was pretty, was she?” he asked casually.

”You really didn’t notice?”

”No. I wasn’t paying attention. I had a lot on my mind.”

”Poor girl.” I could afford to be generous now.

 

Jealous much? (+1 Bitch)

Glitterdick whines that Bella said something he didn’t like, and I get a little respect for Bella.

 

“I’m not surprised you heard something you didn’t like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers,” I reminded him.”

 

A cookie for Meyer since she’s finally starting to comprehend how a real teenage girl would act. (+1 Redemption)

 

“You did,” he agreed, but his voice was still rough. “You aren’t precisely right, though. I do want to know what you’re thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn’t be thinking some things.”

 

Do you realize how utterly wrong this whole quote is? Edward not only expresses a desire to know her thoughts, but also to control them. (+1 Red Flag) If Meyer was a good writer, she might use this as a major driving force of the plot. But it’s stuck as a minor detail that makes Bella oh so speshul, because Meyer wouldn’t know good writing if it sodomized her at a cocktail party. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella scowls (why is everyone always scowling or glaring or frowning in this book?), is offended by the implications of Edward’s words, so Edward changes the subject. It turns out that Edward is bothered by how Bella had said that she cares more for Edward that he does for her. They argue over who loves who more, Edward says that she’s wrong, and Bella disagrees.

 

“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
”

 

I’m considering adding a sub-category for thesaurus rapes that were to describe Sparklepeen’s eyes. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward proceeds to dazzle Bella again. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I tried to remember how to exhale. I had to look away before it came back to me.”

 

Exhaling is an involuntary response, as everyone who’s taken 6th grade science knows. You can’t forget how to do it. I’m going to have to find some crackers to go with this line. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“What makes you think so?” His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating — trying futilely, I assumed, to lift the truth straight from my mind.”

 

I guess Meyer’s trying to find a new exotic term to add to the Edward’s eyes dictionary, but not all topaz is gold. Topaz comes in many colors, and in fact, pure topaz is clear. Research FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

To answer the question of how Bella can be sure that Edward doesn’t know if she cares for him more, there’s always the simple fact that HE CAN’T READ HER MIND! Juuuuust saying.

Bella is completely stumped and struggles to think of an answer to Edward’s question. Um, hello, he can’t read your mind. That was one of the subjects of your conversation, remember? Bella asks for some time to think. How retarded is this girl?? He can’t read your mind. Do I have to spell it out for you? She says that sometimes it sounds like he’s trying to say goodbye when he’s saying something else. She describes this as the best way she could sum up the “sensation of anguish” his words cause her. Wah wah wah! (+1 Angst)

 

“Perceptive,” he whispered.”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

No, seriously.

 

“And there was the anguish again, surfacing as he confirmed my fear. “That’s exactly why you’re wrong, though,” he began to explain, but then his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘the obvious’?”

 

Anguish? Really? (+1 Angst)

 

“Well, look at me,”…”

 

Oh God, here we go.

 

“I’m absolutely ordinary — well,
except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. 

And look at you.” I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.
”

 

Yes, because no one gets in car accidents or ever comes close to getting mugged! In Meyerland, there is no conflict, and we must use every adjective know to man to describe the beauty that is Edward! YAAAY! (+1 Stupidity/ Cream Count)

 

“You don’t
 see yourself very clearly, you know. I’ll admit you’re dead-on about the bad things,” he chuckled blackly, “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.”

 

How the fuck do you chuckle blackly? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Okay, my Mary-Sue meter has just exploded. Apparently Bella is so beautiful and awesome that every male in the school wants her. I guess there are no such things as gays or lesbians in Meyerland. Actually, I’m just glad that he specified “human” males, I’d hate to think even the animals want her. *shudders* (+1 Stupidity)

Bella expresses disbelief at Edward’s words. I should point out that being extraordinarily beautiful and not knowing it is a common Mary Sue trait, most typically found in poorly written fanfiction. Embarrassed, Bella steers the conversation back on topic, which prompts Edward to say one of the dumbest things he’s said so far.

 

“Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it” — he shook his
 head, seeming to struggle with the thought — “if leaving is the right thing to do, then I’ll hurt myself to
keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.”

 

Edward: Oh, Bella, you silly human. Don’t you see that your love can’t possibly compare to mine? I can leave you if I have to … never mind that despite constantly saying that we should stay away from each other, I keep stalking you, breaking into your house, and even tracking you across towns. Now listen as I use over-dramatic wording to describe how I’d do anything to protect you … even though I believe myself to be a genuine threat to you, I keep stalking you, contradicting my own warnings to stay away. LOOK, I SPARKLE!

 

Jesus on a pony, that’s messed up. Judging by Edward’s previous actions and his words just now, it’s plain that he assumes that he controls when the relationship begins, and when it will end. Bella would never have to make the choice of when to leave, because Edward would make it for her. How do people claim that Edward isn’t controlling when he does things like this? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features.
”

 

Edward has more mood swings than a pregnant woman on crack.

 

“Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant
 presence.”

 

Why is Bella always painted as a damsel in distress? Is it all just a convenient way to let Sparklepeen swoop in to save her, showing off how devastatingly bewilderingly godlike awesometastic fantabulous Edward is? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

“I supposed I could purposefully put myself in 
danger to keep him close…”

 

What the fuck?

Wow….just…wow.

Does she really feel that she needs to put herself in danger to keep him around? How in the name of God’s green earth do people see this as an ideal relationship?

 

“… I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.”

 

Did she SERIOUSLY stop thinking something just BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT APPROVE? (+1 RED FUCKING FLAG!)

Edward asks calls Bella on the trip to Seattle that she pulled out of her ass in chapter 4, asking if she really needed to go to Seattle or if she made it up. Bella says it’s Edward’s fault that Tyler’s trying to take her to prom.

 

“It’s your fault that he’s deluded himself into thinking I’m going to prom with him.”

”Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face,” he chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn’t so fascinating. “If I’d asked you, would you have turned me down?” he asked, still laughing to himself.
”

 

So he lets his girlfriend be unhappy because it amuses him?  What a dick. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella tells him she would have canceled eventually, and I have a bad feeling about where this is going. Edward asks why and she says it’s because she’s so clumsy. Funny how we never see this clumsiness except when it’s convenient for her. It’s also funny how her supposed clumsiness never negatively affects her, at least not on screen.

Clumsiness is supposed to be Bella’s one real flaw to balance out her character, because it’s important that a character have exactly ONE flaw, lest she be accused of being a Mary Sue. But clumsiness isn’t really a character flaw at all. If she has trouble with tripping over things or tasks that require hand-eye coordination (how she drives her truck, in this case, is a mystery to me) then it is not a flaw in her personality. It is not a vice, it’s just bad luck. It passes as a flaw if it ended up placing her in bad situations or causing misunderstandings, but that doesn’t happen. So far the worst it has done was give Edward an opportunity to pick up her books and fetch her car key. It has only ever worked in her favor, and is clearly meant to make her more lovable rather than introducing any real fault. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward makes the suggestion that they should do something else rather than go to Seattle, and naturally, he gets his way.

 

“
As long as the “we” part was in, I didn’t care about anything else.
”

 

Damn, this girl is clingy!

 

“I’m open to alternatives,” I allowed. “But I do have a favor to ask.”

He looked wary, as he always did when I asked an open-ended question. “What?”

 

Dear Lord, how do I begin? Is Edward really so controlling Bella can’t ask an open question? I can really almost feel Meyer tapping me on the shoulder, saying, “It’s okay because he’s a vampire so that makes him mysterious! Don’t you think he’s mysterious? He’s very mysterious.” and all that bullshit. Her request must be very unreasonable, then.

 

“Can I drive?” 

He frowned. “Why?”

 

Noooooooope!

 

“Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going
 alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn’t lie, but I don’t think he will ask
 again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because 
your driving frightens me.” He rolled his eyes. “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.”

 

Gee, I wonder why Bella could possibly have a problem with a guy who drives at 100 MPH and doesn’t pay attention to the road. Edward asks Bella why she’s keeping him a secret from Charlie, and Bella gives a non-answer. I also don’t understand why Bella doesn’t trust her father … at all. Does she seriously think he’ll not approve of Edward, even after that  big impassioned speech he gave in chapter two about how much he loves the Cullens?

Edward says that it’ll be sunny that day, so he’ll be in hiding, and he invites Bella to come with him. Meyer specifically points out that Edward is letting Bella make a decision, which I find insulting because Meyer treats the occurrence of a man letting a woman choose as being somehow special. Bella practically orgasms, as this means she’ll finally find out why he doesn’t go out in sunlight. Oh, I can hardly wait until that scene … kind of like how I eagerly anticipate cancer.

 

“Yes.” He smiled, and then paused. “But if you don’t want to be… alone with me, I’d still rather you
 didn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size.”

 

Bella makes the very valid point that she can do just fine by herself. Edward pretty much dismisses the idea, saying that she needs to be under his protection 24/7. Listening to him, you’d wonder how Bella’s survived this long.

Edward sees Bella as weak, incompetent, and incapable of fending for herself. He doesn’t respect her at all, he only patronizes her. In his mind, there’s no balance of power in their relationship, because all of the power is his. He thinks he is the one who makes the decisions, as evidenced by an earlier quote in this chapter, and he offers her non-choices as an afterthought. Their relationship is not a partnership, it is a master/slave relationship with Edward controlling everything. That’s NOT true love. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I know,” he sighed, brooding. “You should tell Charlie, though.”

”Why in the world would I do that?”

His eyes were suddenly fierce. “To give me some small incentive to bring you back.”

 

Now introducing a new feature: the Edward Creep-o-meter, with one being take him home to meet the parents and 10 being change the locks, take self defense classes, file a restraining order, and buy a pit bull, it’s now at an even ten. (+1 Red Flag)

Being the dumb bitch she is, Bella says she’s not going to tell Charlie (+1 Stupidity). Edward gets all pissy, and Bella changes the subject. She asks why Edward and Emmett went to Goat Rocks if there a so many bears around. ( They had a wild frolic through the forest, in the pursuit of hot, tender meat, grasping and sucking on that meat – if you’re going to think like that, I’m just going to stop there. Good Lord.) After a while, Bella puts it together and figures out they were hunting (Hunting for-never mind.) and informs Edward that bears aren’t in season.

 

“If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons,” he informed me.”

 

See, the great thing about the internet is that it’s full of information, so when an amateur author tries to bullshit you, you can totally call her on it after doing the research she didn’t bother with. In this case, a quick Google search on Washington laws brought me to this document which defines hunting as this:

 

(53) “To hunt” and its derivatives means an effort to kill, injure, capture, or harass a wild animal or wild bird.

 

Did you see anything about weapons in there? Me neither. But just to be sure, I cross-referenced it with an official pamphlet on Washington state hunting regulations, found here. In both documents, the definition of “to hunt” is the  exact same.

In conclusion, Edward is full of shit. His supposed loophole is another ass pull by Meyer, as any attempt to harm a wild animal is considered hunting in Washington state law, weapons or not. How does it feel that a 14 year old can do better research than you, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Once Bella finally figures it out, she asks what Edward’s favorite is. This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, and he frowns in disapproval before saying “mountain lion.” Guess this is Meyer’s way of telling us that he really does like pussy. (Sorry, Emmett.)

Edward tells Bella that they try to lessen their impact on the environment by focusing on areas with an overpopulation of predators, something that doesn’t occur in the unless something happened to radically decrease the amount of available prey. (+1 Stupidity) Edward tries to impress Bella by talking more about bears and how they’re best hunted when they’re irritable. Bella doesn’t respond with the gushing praise and awe he’s expecting, so he finally demands to know what she’s really thinking.(+1 Red Flag) Bella wants to know how they hunt bears without weapons.

 

“Oh, we have weapons.” He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me. “Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you’ve ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting.”

 

Yes, you can certainly visualize Emmett with a mouth full of meat, working his lips over the throbbing organ in order to make it surrender its precious fluid. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Continuing, Edward is still BSing us about the hunting laws. He is hunting, according to the laws I’ve referenced above. But this is the guy who drives down the street at 100 mph, so.

This brings me to another point: How do they drink blood? Meyerpires don’t have fangs, so it would be very difficult to pierce the jugular and drink the blood. I doubt they would just go at it with their incisors, since that would be highly impractical and very messy. Jesus, I’m just starting and I’ve already put more thought into this than Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks if she might ever get to see him hunt, and Sparklepeen immediately denies her request. He orders Bella off to class and they promise to resume their conversation later.

Congratulations to Meyer for writing the first book that’s ever made me want to commit suicide.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +23 (New Record!)

Angst: +2

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +104 (Triple digits!)

Angst: +18

Bitch: +47

Thesaurus Rape: +32

Eye Rape: +7

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: +24

Redemption: +5