Posts Tagged ‘Mary-Sue’

What this chapter should be called: Somehow, I think I can resist
Fucks I give: -1
Chapters left: 9


If there’s one thing that is consistent throughout all these books, it’s Bella’s ability to worry about things for twenty pages. The girl could release her own self-help book called, “How to Worry About Things In 20-Page Increments: For Home or Office.” For instance, if you’re out of cheese, you can write twenty pages on what would happen if you never ate cheese again. It wouldn’t fix your problem, but at least you could be hip and sassy like Bella Swan-Cullen, the superstar of 21st century literature.


But maybe I’m being mean. Bella does have a good reason to worry, after all. The Volturi are coming to kill her and her family in less than a month for no good reason. I’d probably worry a bit too. She should continue her 20-page worry-a-thons. It’s just like the time in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones spent the entire movie saying, “Gosh. I sure hope the bad guys don’t get the Ark. That would be awful. All the pain and suffering…I just don’t know if I could handle that. I better make love.” (+1 Stupidity)



What this chapter should be called: New pain in the ass
Fucks I give: -3

I think it really says a lot about this chapter that the first page is spent on describing the beauty of dust.

Other than that, Bella is a shitty mother. Like, really terrible. She is so obsessed with her newfound beauty that it takes her five pages to even think about her daughter, who gets literally five sentences of mentioning. It’s like Renesmee is a new iPod rather than a baby. Bella would rather brush her hair and gaze into the mirror and make out with boys than worry about her daughter.

But back to that dust thing.


“I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance. The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my throat, swirling the motes into a vortex.”


Bella tries breathing, only to discover that she doesn’t really need to breathe, but it feel good so she does it anyway. She can hear rap music from the highway and smell the breath of everyone around her. Of course, it’s the most fantastic smell ever.


“I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine, bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.… I traded a dozen different comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.”


If the rest of the book is narrated like this, I’m going to have to kill myself. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella realizes that someone is holding her hand, but it’s the wrong temperature to be a vampire. Duh, Bella, you’re ice-cold now too. She does this cool backflip thing off the table, crouching against the wall in 1/16 of a second, proving that reality and all its trappings have no place in Meyerland. (+1 Stupidity)


What Bella would call this chapter: Murmuring Glowers Of Crimson agony
Fucks I give: I’d rather be on Netflix


So, Jacob is running away. Again. Except this time, he’s not wolfing out and tearing off into the forest. He’s driving Edward’s car down the highway. This guy is an expert at running away from shit.


“I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.”


It’s not explained why Jacob is driving instead of wolfing out. I imagine it has something to do with extra chromosomes and Leah’s lack of a menstrual cycle. Jake is really upset that Edward is suddenly thrilled about being a daddy. Mostly because this leaves Jacob all on his own in the fight to save Bella’s life from the demonspawn. And he’s going to save her by driving 50 miles to the next town to look at other girls. (+1 Stupidity)


What this chapter should be called: Wants
Edward creep-o-meter: 3


So, a certain character in this book isn’t handling the end of a relationship very well. (Hint: It’s not Mike.) Yes, folks, Bella is double-sad because she just dumped Jacob.


“I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.”


Why is Bella so torn up about this? Every page of New Moon and well over 75% of the pages in this book have been dedicated to the fact that Bella cannot function without Eddiekins. Bella and Jacob weren’t even going out in the first place. This was less of a dump than it was a slight drop. (+1 Angst)

Bella has a meltdown in her truck, But luckily, deus ex Alice has a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and Edward appears not a minute later. Does anyone else think it’s creepy that Edward can just pop up anywhere? I’m starting to think he really does just follow Bella around 24/7. Edward just starts driving; not saying anything while Bella blubbers about how she wants warm fuzzies instead of cold clammies. Boo fucking hoo. You had your chance, Bella, and you passed it up. Stop making everyone else as miserable as you. (+1 Angst)

What this chapter should be called: A poem for the ages
Special! Squick factor: 1,290,984

Okay, so here’s the thing: I feel like I’ve been getting bored with my standard reviewing style, and therefore, I haven’t been as funny. So this week, I’m switching things up. (You’re going to have to take my word on points this time, but here’s the chapter link if you want to check.)

Also, I apologize in advance that there probably won’t be a review next week, because my teachers have dumped a metric assfuck of homework and projects on me right before fall break. Pesky school, getting in the way of reading Eclipse. But whatever.

And now, I present the chapter 20 review to you in the form of a poem.


What this chapter should be called: All the smells!
Edward creep-o-meter: 6

We fast-forward to right before the beginning of the much-anticipated vampire/werewolf team-up. This is probably for the best, as there wasn’t a whole lot of substance last chapter. Sadly, all we have for right now is Bella whining and worrying over the werewolves.


“Not Jacob, too. Not his foolish, eager brothers — most of them even younger than I was. They were just oversized, over-muscled children, and they looked forward to this like it was picnic on the beach. I could not have them in danger, too. ”


Uh, isn’t Sam, like, 20? Jacob is 16, and so are the Quilbry. (+1 Stupidity) I was under the impression that most of the werewolves were in their upper teens, so it’s a little condescending  for Bella to be calling them all children. (+1 Bitch)

Edward pulls into Bella’s driveway, and then tries to force her to stay home and sleep. Bella responds that if he doesn’t take her, she’ll call up Jacob.


“If you won’t take me, then I’ll call Jacob.” His eyes tightened. That was a low blow, and I knew it. But there was no way I was being left behind.”


See, this is what I fucking hate. Every time Bella does something terribly cold and bitchy, there’s a follow-up sentence stating that she knows how terrible it is, but she wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t so anxious, and she didn’t have any other choice! (+1 Bitch) Meyer continually tries to paint Bella as a kind, sympathetic character, when we are constantly seeing all evidence to the contrary! (+1 Stupidity)

We get to watch as Bella washes her face and changes her clothes, which is the most thrilling thing I’ve read in this book so far. She cuddles with Eddie darling for a moment, and then it’s time to head out to, “Killing Newborn Vamps 101.” Edward still wishes Bella would just go the fuck to sleep, but doesn’t put up much of an argument since he knows how stubborn and dumb she is.

What this chapter should be called: Edward Cullen’s guide to controlling your woman.

Edward creep-o-meter: 15 GOOD LORD


Chapter two is an odd one. Half of it makes me go, “God, Bella, your school day is just so fucking exciting” and the other half creeps the everloving hell out of me. You’ll see why.

Bella skips down the school halls, absolutely thrilled to be holding hands with “the most perfect person on the planet.” Her words, not mine. (+1 Cream Count)


Maybe it was the knowledge that my sentence was served and I was a free woman again.”


We all know that there’s no such thing as a free woman in Meyerland, but whatevs. Everyone at in Bella’s class is freaking out about their last year in high school. Except for Alice and Edward, of course, because lord knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids for no damn reason. (+1 Stupidity)  Given that Edward has already gone to Dartmouth and Harvard and whatnot, I’m not entirely sure why he just hasn’t given up on high school altogether. (+1 Stupidity)

Wait a minute, haven’t I talked about this already? I’m sure I have.

Jesus, I think this book might actually be making me stupider.

Bella ruminates more on her newfound freedom, keeping Charlie’s request in mind. She offers to help Angela, a boring mortal that we haven’t heard from in nearly a full book, address graduation announcements, revealing that Charlie un-grounded her.


“Really?” Angela asked, mild excitement lighting her always-gentle brown eyes. “I thought you said you were in for life.”
 “I’m more surprised than you are. I was sure I would at least have finished high school before he set me free.” “Well, this is great, Bella! We’ll have to go out to celebrate.”