A Six-Sentence Summary:
What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE
Fucks I give: NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Tags: Not Twilight, Robert Pattinson, so sue me, Supernatural
Alright, Supernatural fans, Twilight haters, or appreciators of Robert Pattinson: Go sign this petition! It’s trying to get Pattinson to play a vampire hunter on Supernatural, which I think would be all kinds of beautiful and amazing, given that we all know he hated Twilight. The petition only needs about 11,000 signatures (it already has over 35,000) so there’s a very real chance it could reach people who have the power to make this happen. So go! Sign!
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires
Fucks I give: There are no words
I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?
So very, very wrong.
“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”
Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.
Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves
Fucks I give: 2
Chapters left: 3
This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!
“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”
The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.
“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “
Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.
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