The Breaking Dawn Recap

Posted: November 27, 2013 in Twilight
Tags: ,

A Six-Sentence Summary:

Bella and Edward get married, because of course, and take their honeymoon on an exotic private island, where Eddie knocks Bella up. This shouldn’t be possible, and the baby is some sort of monster who nearly kills Bella in utero, then does enough damage on delivery to force Ed-wad to vamp Bella up. Oh, and there’s some werewolf drama, which culminates in Jacob abandoning his pack so he can fall in love with Bella’s baby, which I think we can all agree is hella creepy. After the half-vampire baby is born, it is named Renesmee and it is adorable, until Denali vamp Irina mistakes her for an immortal child, and reports her to the Volturi, who will kill the baby and all the Cullens. In response, the Cullens call in good vamps from around the world to form an army of their own to battle the Volturi, while Alice pulls a uselessly tricky stunt that involves going to Brazil. Of course, when the Volturi show up, there’s no actual battle, and everyone lives happily ever after, lah dee fuckin’ dah.

Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

Posted: November 13, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE

Fucks I give: NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN

Chapters left: 0
 
*This may be the last chapter, but there’s still more! Don’t forget to come back for the book recap and the series recap!*
 
I made it to the end. I did it! This here is the last chapter of this atrocity of a book and miserable excuse for a series! And I could not have done it without you guys. So, thank you, for your commentary, horror, discussion on Samifer fanfiction, and for correcting me when I’m wrong. Thank you so much.
 
I have slogged through this book series for over two years (the very first post on this blog was, holy shit, July 30, 2011) and I am about to be done. You can’t possibly comprehend how heavenly this feels. I can taste my freedom, and it tastes like pegasus tears mixed with airplane ginger ale and rainbow sprinkles, made from actual rainbows, poured into a bejewled golden chalice and served to me by a naked Misha Collins. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I turn the book’s final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. I made it, and after this review, I’m going to celebrate by deleting the Breaking Wind PDF from my computer while eating mini Reese’s Cups by the fistfuls. 

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
 
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
 
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
 
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
 
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)

Alright, Supernatural fans, Twilight haters, or appreciators of Robert Pattinson: Go sign this petition! It’s trying to get Pattinson to play a vampire hunter on Supernatural, which I think would be all kinds of beautiful and amazing, given that we all know he hated Twilight. The petition only needs about 11,000 signatures (it already has over 35,000) so there’s a very real chance it could reach people who have the power to make this happen. So go! Sign!

What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
 
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
 
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
 
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.
What this chapter should be called: Conveniences (and bad writing)
Fucks I give: There are no words
Chapters left: 2

I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?

Wrong.

So very, very wrong.

“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”

Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.

Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.

What this chapter should be called: The battle that wasn’t

Fucks I give: 2

Chapters left: 3

This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!

“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”

 

The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.

“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “

 

Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.
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