Posts Tagged ‘Edward Cullen’

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
 
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
 
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
 
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
 
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
 
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
 
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
 
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.
What this chapter should be called: Conveniences (and bad writing)
Fucks I give: There are no words
Chapters left: 2

I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?

Wrong.

So very, very wrong.

“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”

Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.

Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.

What this chapter should be called: The battle that wasn’t

Fucks I give: 2

Chapters left: 3

This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!

“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”

 

The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.

“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “

 

Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.
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What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4

 

We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.

 

 

“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”

 

 

Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
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What this chapter should be called: Worst Christmas Ever

Fucks I give: -4

Chapters left: 5

 

The first part of this chapter is bland and boring. Bella arrives home and hears Edward playing her lullaby on the piano. This makes her want to cry because, even though everyone else in the house seems so hopeful, Bella knows from her trip to Seattle that they’re all doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! (+1 Angst)

 

 

“Did you have a good time with Charlie today?” “Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won’t be much of an event, but . . .” I shrugged. Edward’s lips turned down. He quit playing and spun around on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “I hadn’t thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it—” “No,” I interrupted him. I flinched internally at the idea of trying to fake more enthusiasm than the bare minimum. “I just didn’t want to let it pass without giving her something.” “Do I get to see?” “If you want. It’s only a little thing.”

 

 

Bella feeds Edward a lie about how she popped out of Charlie’s to do some Christmas shopping for Renesmee — and then produces a little antique golden locket with “more than my own life” inscribed in French on it. (Dramatic much?)

Bella suggests that she go out and play-fight with Edward, but he shoots that idea down and insists on taking baby back to their sex cottage. 

 

“Emmett—on the sofa with Rose and holding the remote, of course—looked up and grinned in anticipation. “Excellent. The forest needs thinning.” Edward frowned at Emmett and then at me. “There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. “There’s no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and—” He cut me off. “Tomorrow.” And his expression was such that not even Emmett argued.”

 

 

I don’t know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn’t offer any explanation either. I’d understand if she had said, “Edward wouldn’t let me train with Emmett because he’s a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist.” But she doesn’t say that. She says nothing and does as she’s told. What a wonderful relationship these two have. (+1 Red Flag) (more…)

What this chapter should be called: Bella Cullen and the Case of the Stupid Mystery

Fucks I give: 1

Chapters left: 6

* Please forgive my terrible formatting. I’m having a lot of technical difficulties right now. *

Chapter 33 was kinda tolerable. It didn’t talk about baby-dating and only vaguely alluded to condoned homicide. We start off with Bella and taking Renesmee to her grandfather’s house. Chuck hasn’t seen the kid in a while, obviously because of all the vampires residing in Chez Cullen, and is missing her. Bella offers to drive Wonder Kid on over, with Jacob tagging along because his relationship with Renesmee is healthy and not suffocating at all.

 

“This trip was about more than protecting my father from the twenty-seven oddly matched vampires—who all had sworn not to kill anyone in a three-hundred-mile radius, but still… Obviously, no human being should get anywhere near this group. This was the excuse I’d given Edward: I was taking Renesmee to Charlie so that he wouldn’t decide to come here. It was a good reason for leaving the house, but not my real reason at all.”

Bella’s true plan is to sneak off to Seattle, in order to find this J. Jenks dude. You might be wondering why Bella would venture outside on her own, knowing that the Volturi could strike at any time and would easily destroy her.That’s because you’re smart. Have a cookie. (+1 Stupidity) Let’s just say that the Volturi won’t attack her because of…a magic boombox. There we go.
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