What this chapter should be called: Sexual assault is cool!
Special Edition! Jacob douche-o-meter: 38
Today is a sad day, my friends. This chapter was the one where Meyer realized that Jacob was more likeable than Edward, resulting Jacob’s total character assassination. Oh, how I weep for the loss of Jacob 2.0, who has been replaced by Jacob 2.5 – the same character only a thousand times more douche-y.
Why do the good ones die young?!?
Anyways, after Jacob’s big non-reveal, Bella shows her grown-up and mature side by deciding to run away from this “problem” instead of facing it head-on. I say “problem” because this wouldn’t really be a huge deal if Bella had done the right thing way back in Twilight and let Jacob know that he would be banished to the friendzone for all eternity. So, really, this whole “love triangle” ordeal is all because Bella-Sue is a giant twatwaffle. (+1 Bitch/Stupidity)
Jacob isn’t exactly helping the whole situation, either. You’d think after Bella ditched him to go jaunting off to Italy he would have figured out that he was never getting in those pants. (+1 Stupidity) On a side note, why do I keep being surprised by the boundless idiocy characters display in these books?
Jake continues to run with the idiot ball, asking questions that require Bella to think. Oh, this will not end well.
“No, wait. I know that, Bella. But, look, answer me this, all right? Do you want me to go away and never see you again? Be honest.” It was hard to concentrate on his question, so it took a minute to answer. “No, I don’t want that,” I finally admitted.”
Bella admits she can’t live without an emotional crutch, and she loves Jacob very much, but she doesn’t LOVE love him, you know?
“I miss you when you’re not there. When you’re happy,” I qualified carefully, “it makes me happy. But I could say the same thing about Charlie, Jacob. You’re family. I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
Ugh, what did I tell you about “qualified,” Steffie? I swear, sometimes you just don’t listen. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Oh, and right about here is where the Jacob I know and love goes straight down the shitter.
“He stroked the tips of his fingers across my right cheek. I slapped his hand away.”
No, Jake! Bad touch! Remember how I said there was just something legitimately creepy about the way Edward touched Bella? Apparently that whole creepy-touchy factor applies to Jacob 2.5 as well. (+1 Red Flag)
Oh, and congrats to Bella for finally growing a spine, I guess. It’s cool she’s taken some interest in her well-being. Now, we just need a brain to go with the spine.
There’s some incredibly forced banter about how Jacob is mean but Bella is worse, blah blah fuckety fuck. Jacob reminds Bella that it’s a little wrong that Edward dumped her ass like he did, and Bella gets frustrated. There’s some more creepy-touchy stuff, as now Jacob is holding Bella’s chin. (+1 Red Flag)
“All the more reason to fight — fight harder now, while I can,” he whispered. He still had my chin — his fingers holding too tight, till it hurt — and I saw the resolve form abruptly in his eyes.”
Three books in, and I still can’t figure out how Bella can determine emotions and actions just by looking in someone’s eyes. (+1 Eye Rape) I actually tried to do this. I stared at my mom’s eyes for five minutes straight. Maybe I just didn’t do it right, but I couldn’t see any “resolve hardening,” or shit like that. (I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m on drugs now, though.) Then I had to go smash my head into my desk for awhile as this is the third time I’ve tried something based of Meyer’s writing. I never learn.
So, Jacob gets a weird look in his eyes, and then
I kid you not
turns around and sexually assaults Bella.
“N —” I started to object, but it was too late. His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn’t even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips molding to mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.”
GOD FUCK SON OF A COCKSUCKING WHORE
Goddammit! Even after Bella tries to say no, Jacob fucking forces himself on her. To say that this isn’t cool would be the understatement of the fucking century. THIS IS JUST NOT OKAY. You hear that, gentlemen? NEVER FUCKING DO THIS. NEVER. (+5 Red Flag)
What makes it even worse is that Bella is pretty much okay with this. After halfheartedly shoving him a few times, she just thinks about how warm his mouth is. Jesus Christ. I’m now convinced that there are two Bellas, the Bella in this scene and her clone, who has an actual backbone. And they just swap places as the plot requires.
“Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn’t fight, didn’t feel . . . just waited for him to stop.”
ERROR: THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.
PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE APPLICATION.
PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO REBOOT YOUR REVIEWS. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN THE PROCESS.
Welcome to Twilight Reviewer 5. Loading OS.
… … …
Restarting Reviewer application.
… … … … …
Restoring application to last restore point.
Reboot complete. Have a nice day.
… … … … … … … …
WHAT THE HELL?
GOOD ONE, MEYER! If you’re being sexually assaulted, you should just stand there and hope it stops! Nice! I’m absolutely certain that loads of impressionable young people won’t read this and think that this is the proper way to deal with sexual assault! Don’t call for help or anything, just stand there.
SOMETIMES I HATE THIS BOOK SO FUCKING MUCH. (+3 Stupidity)
Then again, considering that Bella’s reaction to a bad breakup is to jump off a cliff, I might be expecting a little too much.
*sigh* Moving forward. After Jacob is finished being a total jackass, Bella brings back her fist and slugs him. Good for you, Bells. Unfortunately, Bella is still a frail Meyerland woman, so she breaks her hand upon connecting it with Jacob’s face. Bummer.
Jacob tells Bella to stop dancing around so that he can look at the hand she just broke on his face. Jacob insists on driving her home.
“Fine!” I growled. “Do! I can’t wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!” Jacob rolled his eyes. He walked me to the passenger side of his car and helped me in. When he got in the driver’s side, he was whistling.”
Good job, dumbass. Just hop into a car with the person who assaulted you. Jesus Christ. This is Darwin Award stuff, right here. (+1 Stupidity) I would be running and screaming right about now.
But Bella gets into the car like a good little lemming, muttering about how she hopes Edward is going to kill Jacob. Literally. Note to self, murder is now a-okay in Bella’s book. (+1 Bitch)
There’s some crap that I suppose Meyer thinks is witty banter, but is really just bland conversation. The gist of it is that Jacob hopes Bella will be thinking about how awesome him assaulting her was. Asshole. (+1 Red Flag)
“Just think about how it could be, Bella,” he urged in a soft, eager voice. “You wouldn’t have to change anything for me. You know Charlie would be happy if you picked me. I could protect you just as well as your vampire can — maybe better. And I would make you happy, Bella. There’s so much I could give you that he can’t. I’ll bet he couldn’t even kiss you like that — because he would hurt you. I would never, never hurt you, Bella.”
Bella promptly holds up her broken hand in response, (good girl) and Jacob tries to pass it off as her fault. I wonder if the douchecanoe virus that Edward seems to have is catching. (+1 Red Flag)
Bella points out that she just can’t be happy without Eddiekins (how she survived on her own for 17 years is just beyond me) Jacob 2.5, who has obviously retained the memories of Jacob 2.0, a la Gallifreyan regeneration, points out that she never really tried. I guess that’s true. All Bella did without Eddie was curl up into a ball, cry, and try to kill herself in order to hear his voice. Guy has a point, here.
Whatever. Wolfballs continues to drive to Bella’s house, being a giant asshat all the way. When Bella realizes he’s taking her home, she flips a bitch.
“I didn’t realize where we were going until we were on my road. “Why are you taking me here?” I demanded.”
Um, where else would he be taking her? Bella whines that he should have just taken her to the wonderful Casa de Cullen. Jesus, Wolfballs, get it together. Jacob must be reading my mind or something, because he points out that this is Bella’s home, where else would he take her? Oh, I don’t know, the hospital?(+1 Stupidity) The hospital? Bella pitches another fit at this (+1 Bitch) because we all know how much she cares about her wellbeing.
This next part really gets me. Jacob hops out of the car and takes Bella inside so that she can cal Eddie-poo. Charlie greets Jacob and asks why he’s dropped by on such short notice.
“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered. “She thinks she broke her hand,” I heard Jacob tell him. I went to the freezer and pulled out a tray of ice cubes. “How did she do that?” As my father, I thought Charlie ought to sound a bit less amused and a bit more concerned.”
Okay, so his child comes home with a possibly broken hand and the chucklefuck just laughs it off, clinching the “worst father of the year” award. Seriously, whose parents do that? (+1 Stupidity)
Wolfballs explains that stupid little Bella broke her hand trying to punch him. Charlie has enough sense to at least ask why she slugged him.
“Why did she hit you?” “Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed. “Good for you, kid,” Charlie congratulated him.
So the goddamned COP father hears that his own daughter was kissed against her will, and all he has to say is, “good for you”?
SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD A REAL BOOK INSTEAD OF A PDF SO I COULD SET IT ON FIRE. (+2 Stupidity)
Bella calls up Eddiekins, wanting him to come get her so she can have Carlisle look at her hand. How ridiculously convenient is it that Bella always has a doctor at hand to tend to her when she needs it? Because, if Bella had to go to the hospital for every lame injury she picked up, that might cause tension. (+1 Stupidity)
But whatever. When Bella tells Sparklepeen that she broke her hand socking Wolfballs because he kissed her, Sparklepeen gets all growly and announces that he’s right around the corner.
“I’m around the corner,” he said darkly, and the line disconnected. As I hung up the phone, smiling, I heard the sound of his car racing down the street.”
Um, WTF? I thought Chez Cullen was a few miles away from Casa de Swan. Was he just sitting at the corner, waiting? Or do Cullen cars come fully equipped with warp drive? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella whines as Edward bursts in and tows her out the door. (Jesus, can’t this girl walk anywhere on her own?) (+1 Red Flag) Charlie doesn’t even give a damn about this, btw. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob follows Edward out so that they can have a little spat over Bella or something. Charlie is all, “Yeah, whatevs, just don’t fight on my lawn.” I hate everyone in this book SO MUCH.
After Bella is stuffed in the front seat of Edward’s Volvo, the spat begins.
“Edward spoke in a voice so peaceful and gentle that it made the words strangely more threatening. “I’m not going to kill you now, because it would upset Bella…But if you ever bring her back damaged again — and I don’t care whose fault it is; I don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head — if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?”
Okay, for some reason, the Twitards seem to like these scenes. You have no idea how often I hear one cite a scene like this or the infamous tent scene as evidence that Edward has the truest true love ever, merely because he threatens her friends and fights to be her sole possessor. How the holy hell is that sweet? (+1 Stupidity)
I’m going to reference the Hunger Games trilogy here, for the sake of easy comparison. *Spoilers ahead, but who hasn’t read those damn books by now?* In the Hunger Games, there is a secondary love triangle (that actually has importance to the plot) between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. Yes, Peeta and Gale do not care for each other. Do they ever come to blows or fight over Katniss? Nope. In the second book, they actually work together to keep Katniss safe as she prepares to go back into the arena. Maybe I’m just weird, but I find that loads “sweeter” than fighting.
Back to the story. (Gack.)
“She is mine.” Edward’s low voice was suddenly dark, not as composed as before. “I didn’t say I would fight fair.” “Neither did I.” “Best of luck.”Jacob nodded. “Yes, may the best man win.”
Do people actually think this is cool? I’m ditching both their asses right about now. (+1 Red Flag to both of them)
We teleport over to Cullen manor, where Emmett and Rosalie are being awesome and changing a tire on the Jeep. Emmett notices that Bella’s hand is hurt, and asks her if she fell down again.
“I glared at him fiercely. “No, Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.”
Emmett bursts into laughter at this. Rosalie announces that Jasper’s going to win the bet. Um, okay.
“Emmett’s laughter stopped at once, and he studied me with appraising eyes.”
Sooo…his eyes were sizing up her monetary worth? Is Bella on sale or something? Jesus, Meyer, trade in your thesaurus for a dictionary. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“What bet?” I demanded, pausing. “Let’s get you to Carlisle,” Edward urged. He was staring at Emmett. His head shook infinitesimally.”
Um, if he did shake his head “infinitesimally” it would be such a small movement that it would be immeasurable. I don’t think that’s what just happened. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Get your shit together, Steffie.
After much painful discussion, Edward finally caves and tells Bella that Jasper and Emmett are betting on how many times Bella slips up and kills people during her first year as a vampire.
“They have a bet about how many people I’ll kill?” “Yes,” he admitted unwillingly. “Rosalie thinks your temper will turn the odds in Jasper’s favor.”
Asides from the fact that Bella has about as much temper as a cantaloupe (+1 Stupidity) and that the word“unwillingly” is completely unnecessary and kind of redundant (+1 Thesaurus Rape), do realize how full of shit all the Cullens are? The fact that any of them are casually betting on a death toll just goes to show that they are giant flaming hypocrites. How am I, the reader, supposed to believe that the Cullens think human life is valuable when most of them obviously couldn’t give a fuck either way? (+1 Stupidity)
But, you know, this is a Twilight book, so fuck logic. Carlisle fixes up Bella’s hand, which gives her some time to be all introspective, which God knows I just love. Oh, and Bella’s head is now apparently a coffee pot (snerk) as Jasper’s stories have been “percolating” up in there.
“I’d always known that I would be different. I hoped that I would be as strong as Edward said I would be. Strong and fast and, most of all, beautiful.”
Will someone please explain to me why this novel obsesses over beauty so damn much? I understand that Bella is a teenage girl, and is therefore entitled to dislike her appearance, but really? If all Bella wants is to be “pretty”, they have surgery that is probably a lot less of a hassle than eternal damnation. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella rambles on about how she doesn’t want to be a monster, though she’s been begging to be a vampire for the past two books, so excuse me if I don’t follow her logic there. Her main excuse is that she doesn’t want to miss out on any human experiences. Seeing as Bella doesn’t really do anything, I don’t know what she’s so concerned about. (+1 Stupidity)
“There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than him [Edward]. Would that, could that, change? Was there a human experience that I was not willing to give up?”
Please don’t be about sex.
Thesaurus Rape: +4
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +2 Wolfballs +10
Thesaurus Rape: +26
Eye Rape: +4
Cream Count: +3
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +53 Wolfballs +12