Chapter 1: Party, in which everything not Edward is not good.
Chapter 2: Stitches, in which Meyer deludes herself about how amazing Carlisle is to try to make this book interesting.
Chapter 3: The End, in which Edward finally realizes he’s in a poorly written novel.
Chapter 4: Waking up, in which Bella finally cracks under the intense stress of being dumped.
Chapter 5: Cheater, in which HOLY SHIT WAS THAT FORESHADOWING?
Extra Credit, in which I put Bella’s character to the ultimate Mary-Sue Test
Chapter 6: Friends, in which Team Jacob gains credibility, and Bella is a merciless ho.
Chapter 7: Repetition, in which Bella continues to lead Jacob on, but she’s a strong, sympathetic, independent heroine, so it’s okay.
Chapter 8: Adrenaline, in which Bella keeps using Jacob and Jacob is too stupid to see that Bella’s using him.
Chapter 9: Third Wheel, in which Jacob hits werewolf puberty.
Chapter 10: The Meadow, in which BEAR WITH WOLF LEGS I CHOOSE YOU!
Chapter 11: Cult, in which Jacob finally cottons on and gets better friends who don’t use him as an emotional crutch.
Chapter 12: Intruder, in which Jacob is kind of an ass, yet is still the most morally upright character in the book.
Chapter 13: Killer, in which Bella hates all murderers and monsters not named Edward.
Chapter 14: Family, in which tearing your girlfriend’s face off is considered acceptable, as long as you love her.
Chapter 15: Pressure, in which Bella tries to indirectly kill herself. (Again.)
Chapter 16: Paris, in which Bella is a horrible bitch and Jacob doesn’t have enough sense to let her drown.
Chapter 17: Visitor, in which Alice and Bella can never speak of their forbidden love.
Chapter 18: Funeral, in which some hastily contrived plot elements align in a wacky misunderstanding.
Chapter 19: Hate, in which I spend 20 minutes on Google determining that the very premise of the climax is impossible.
Chapter 20: Volterra, in which YAAAY more abuse.
Chapter 21: Verdict, in which the Volturi are somewhere between lame and creepy but are in no way scary.
Chapter 22: Flight, in which there is apparently some sort of temporal rift between Italy and Washington.
Chapter 23: The Truth, in which Edward is back to his normal, creepy self.
Chapter 24: Vote, in which eternal damnation is apparently far less serious than marriage.
Epilogue: Treaty, in which New Moon finally, finally ends.
Final Book Count:
Thesaurus Rape: +52
Eye Rape: +2
Cream Count: +7
Red Flag: Sparklepeen- +38 Wolfballs- +2