New Moon

Preface, in which Meyer makes another helpless thesaurus her bitch.

Chapter 1: Party, in which everything not Edward is not good.

Chapter 2: Stitches, in which Meyer deludes herself about how amazing Carlisle is to try to make this book interesting.

Chapter 3: The End, in which Edward finally realizes he’s in a poorly written novel.

Chapter 4: Waking up, in which Bella finally cracks under the intense stress of being dumped.

Chapter 5: Cheater, in which HOLY SHIT WAS THAT FORESHADOWING?

Extra Credit,  in which I put Bella’s character to the ultimate Mary-Sue Test

Chapter 6: Friends, in which Team Jacob gains credibility, and Bella is a merciless ho.

Chapter 7: Repetition,  in which Bella continues to lead Jacob on, but she’s a strong, sympathetic, independent heroine, so it’s okay.

Chapter 8: Adrenaline, in which Bella keeps using Jacob and Jacob is too stupid to see that Bella’s using him.

Chapter 9: Third Wheel,  in which Jacob hits werewolf puberty.

Chapter 10: The Meadow, in which BEAR WITH WOLF LEGS I CHOOSE YOU!

Chapter 11: Cult,  in which Jacob finally cottons on and gets better friends who don’t use him as an emotional crutch.

Chapter 12: Intruder, in which Jacob is kind of an ass, yet is still the most morally upright character in the book.

Chapter 13: Killer, in which Bella hates all murderers and monsters not named Edward.

Chapter 14: Family, in which tearing your girlfriend’s face off is considered acceptable, as long as you love her.

Chapter 15: Pressure, in which Bella tries to indirectly kill herself. (Again.)

Chapter 16: Paris, in which Bella is a horrible bitch and Jacob doesn’t have enough sense to let her drown.

Chapter 17: Visitor, in which Alice and Bella can never speak of their forbidden love.

Chapter 18: Funeral, in which some hastily contrived plot elements align in a wacky misunderstanding.

Chapter 19: Hate, in which I spend 20 minutes on Google determining that the very premise of the climax is impossible.

Chapter 20: Volterra, in which YAAAY more abuse.

Chapter 21: Verdict, in which the Volturi are somewhere between lame and creepy but are in no way scary.

Chapter 22: Flight, in which there is apparently some sort of temporal rift between Italy and Washington.

Chapter 23: The Truth, in which Edward is back to his normal, creepy self.

Chapter 24: Vote, in which eternal damnation is apparently far less serious than marriage.

Epilogue: Treaty, in which New Moon finally, finally ends.

The New Moon recap

Final Book Count:

Stupidity: +317

Angst: +28

Bitch: +52

Thesaurus Rape: +52

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: Sparklepeen- +38  Wolfballs- +2

Redemption: +5

Points From the Peanut Gallery:
Thesaurus Rape: +10, which brings us to a grand total of Thesaurus Rape: +62
Comments
  1. Gibbo says:

    You have made my day, really, I LOVE THIS! xD You’re so funny at what you say about this crappy book! 😀

  2. sphadmins says:

    Forced to stay at home due to a leg injury, what better time to re-read all these? I’m serious though I’ve been sitting here since 9:00am reading New Moon.

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