The Breaking Dawn Recap

Posted: November 27, 2013 in Twilight
Tags: ,

A Six-Sentence Summary:

Bella and Edward get married, because of course, and take their honeymoon on an exotic private island, where Eddie knocks Bella up. This shouldn’t be possible, and the baby is some sort of monster who nearly kills Bella in utero, then does enough damage on delivery to force Ed-wad to vamp Bella up. Oh, and there’s some werewolf drama, which culminates in Jacob abandoning his pack so he can fall in love with Bella’s baby, which I think we can all agree is hella creepy. After the half-vampire baby is born, it is named Renesmee and it is adorable, until Denali vamp Irina mistakes her for an immortal child, and reports her to the Volturi, who will kill the baby and all the Cullens. In response, the Cullens call in good vamps from around the world to form an army of their own to battle the Volturi, while Alice pulls a uselessly tricky stunt that involves going to Brazil. Of course, when the Volturi show up, there’s no actual battle, and everyone lives happily ever after, lah dee fuckin’ dah.
 
Characters:
 
Good Vamps
 
Bella Swan: Worst. Mom. Ever.
For being the main protagonist in a book that revolves around popping out a baby, Bella is an insanely shitty mother. The first chunk of the book is devoted to the mystical allure of Edward’s naughty bits, just to suddenly switch tracks and become obsessed with having a kid. While Bella seems to be quite the devoted mom-to-be during her brief pregnancy, once kiddo is out of the womb Bella would rather have sex than care for her child. The kid is pawned off on everyone else to look after, and no one even bothers to buy some toys or something. Not to mention, Bella is strangely cool with the fact that her daughter has a boyfriend by the time she’s one day old. Yick.
 
Edward Cullen: Douchebag Supreme
Edward is weird, in this book especially. He doesn’t really do much, and when he is doing things, he’s trying to pimp out his wife to her best friend. Also a candidate for “worst parent of the year,” Eddie is too busy doing important stuff like sex and writing lullabies to interact with his kid. Personal theory: there’s only so many words you can use to describe someone’s perfection, and Meyer maxed out about a fourth of the way through the book.
 
Renesmee Cullen: ?????
I won’t lie: I hesitated to put Renesmee on the list of main characters. We all know Renesmee is perfect and special, but that’s it. We don’t know something as basic as what her favorite color is, for fuck’s sake. If you went through the book, and every time it mentioned “Renesmee” or some variation of, and replaced it with the words “cute potato,” the plot of this book would not be affected at all. Renesmee is not a true character. She is a living MacGuffin designed to create “conflict” that goes less places than a dead end road. 
 
Clan Cullen: The Bella Fan Club
The rest of the Cullens are…well, kinda lame. I mean, I’m sure Emmett decapitates someone with a chainsaw off-screen, but the rest of them have no excuse. They lounge about all day, taking care of Bella’s kid, playing computer solitaire, and inventing words to rhyme with purple. Their lives literally revolve around Bella’s dumb drama. Quite frankly, it’s sad and makes my teeth ache in frustration.
 
Good Vampire Army: Completely and Totally Useless
For some reason, Meyer thought it would be a good idea to introduce, like, 30 new characters in the last 6 chapters of the novel, and those characters compose the good vamp army. The GVA consists of the (partial) Denali Clan, the Irish Clan, the Egyptian Coven, the Romanians, and a handful of nomads, and another few that were so unremarkable I forgot about them. Why is the GVA necessary? Nobody knows.
 
Werewolves:
 
Jacob Black: Baby Dater
Any shreds of hope I had regarding Jacob’s character were pulverized by the halfway point of this book, when Meyer decided pedophilia was a-okay. Jacob spends the first half of the book moping over Bella and the second half sending love letters to an infant. He makes a lot of stupid decisions and does stupid things. About three chapters in to the abrupt POV switch, I had spent enough time in Jacob’s mopey, baby-loving mind that I was begging for death.
 
Leah and Seth Clearwater: Wonder Twins
The siblings who decide to skip out on the main pack to form a trio with Jacob. While Leah could have realistically been set up as a love interest for Jacob, that didn’t happen because baby-dating was obviously cooler. But the Clearwaters are pretty awesome. Leah is the only female character in these books who doesn’t have an ongoing love interest or significant other, and I’m strongly inclined to believe Seth was right beside Emmett, decapitating monsters with chainsaws somewhere off-screen.
 
The La Push Pack: Storm Troopers
Consists of Sam Uley, the Quilbry, Paul the Mauler, and several forgettable others. The La Push pack is morally upstanding and well-meaning, right up until they decide to slaughter all the Cullens for no other reason than because plot requires it. No joke. Somewhere around chapter 10, Sam Uley morphs into a Sith Lord just so Meyer can push her pathetic plot a little bit forward. The only downside is that none of the werewolves think it’s wrong to date babies or rip their girlfriend’s faces open. Not cool, dudes.
 
 
Bad Vampires:
 
The Volturi: Worst Law-Enforcers Ever
The Volturi is the vampire mafia, as all of us know. They’re also pathetically terrible at their jobs. According to the Volturi, informants who report potential violations that turn out to not be problems are killed, but individuals who break the most sacred rule of vampdom deserve a slap on the wrist and a promise to apologize. Combine that shitty logic with the fact that their “powers” consist of mind-reading that requires physical contact and a magical relationship radar, and you’ve got a bunch of villains who could be cool, but are mostly laughable.
 
 
The Book:
 
The Good: 
While this may be a fairly unpopular opinion, I’m going to say the chunk of the book that was narrated from Jacob’s perspective. Not because it was well-executed or properly written, because it wasn’t. Not because it gave me a break from listening to whiny Bella’s petty concerns, though that was definitely a plus. No, I liked it because it just showed us another way Twilight could have gone terribly right. Imagine a two-sided story: a lonely girl falls madly in love with a mysterious boy, who is revealed to have quite a malicious intent, while her best friend watches her descent into madness and tries but fails to save her from herself. There is a book I would willingly read. Sadly it’s just another slightly interesting, poorly executed element that showed what is and what will never be.  
 
The Bad: 
Baby-dating. Gushing descriptions of perfection. 37 characters introduced at the last minute. A baby that is less of a baby and more of a good-looking potato. The bad in this book far outweighed the good. I don’t care about how perfect Bella is. I don’t care about an assload of characters that appear for 5 chapters then disappear right back into the SDQF. I also don’t care what anyone says, Meyer, baby-dating is still sick. 
 
The Ugly: 
The plot. What little there was of it had holes wide enough to swallow a smart car. And don’t even get me started on the J. Jenks subplot that went straight to the corner of “useless” and “nowhere.” What could have been five chapters of relatively decent plot was, for some reason beyond my comprehension, stretched out into a 40-chapter book. While getting married and having a baby is certainly monumental, it isn’t worth 400 pages and 11 months of my time.  
 
Final Thoughts:

No one made a sacrifice. No one changed. No one learned a lesson.

But Bella and Edward will live happily ever after.

The corrupt vampire mafia still poses a threat. Hundreds more innocents will die meaningless deaths in Italy because of the Cullens. The Cullens let the Volturi walk away. The Cullens had the upper hand. They could have killed the Volturi, taken control of the vampire government, and set things right, but they didn’t because they are horrible people. I’ve seen lightbulbs that were more heroic.

But Bella and Edward will live happily ever after.

Jacob can and will have sex with a seven year-old. He has no job prospects, no education, and no future outside of his toddler girlfriend.

 
But Bella and Edward will live happily ever after.
 
The Cullen family will continue to be a drain on society. While Carlisle continues to do passable work as a doctor, the others attend high school for the 496th time and do important things, like count the blades of grass in the back lawn. Instead of researching cures for syphilis or starting a scholarship fund for underprivileged teens in third world countries, they lounge about in their fancy mansions and private islands. Instead of bettering humanity with their centuries of knowledge, they languish in AP Bio class for the rest of eternity.
 
But Bella and Edward will live happily ever after.
 
Renesmee will grow up an outcast. The only others of her kind are in Brazil, far out of her reach. Due to her hybridism, she will have no friends her own age, no childhood, and no friendly interaction with anyone beyond her boyfriend and family. Her social skills will be stunted, like the strange kid in gym class who prefers to lick his own fingers rather than talk to fellow classmates.
 
But Bella and Edward will live happily ever after.
 
Predictions of Bella’s fulfilling life:
 
Two days later

Edward: We saved the day!
Emmett: Well, actually, we only saved one baby. Everyone else is still at risk.
Bella: We are true heroes!
Emmett: The Volturi will attack again, and in the meantime they slaughter thousands of – 
Bella: My baby is cute!
Jacob: You know what’s strange about writing love songs to a toddler? Not a damn thing.

Emmett: You all suck. I’m outta here. *mounts flying motorcycle that shoots laser beams from the headlight and rides into the sunset*

 
One year later
 
Bella: We should get a house plant.
Edward: I don’t know, lamby. That sounds like a lot of work. Let’s think about it first.
Renesmee: Mom, Stephanie called me a poo-poo head because I didn’t know how to use a see-saw. Is that some kind of power tool?
Bella: You’re right, Eddiekins. We should wait until we’re mature enough to care for a house plant.
 
Two years later
 
Bella: But really, we should get a house plant.
Edward: I don’t think we’re quite ready.
Renesmee: Dad, a lady at school today asked me a lot of questions about my boyfriend. Also, what’s a “slumber party”? Molly said she’s having one this weekend.
Edward: Perhaps in a few years, the responsibility of a house plant won’t seem so big.
Quil: My girl is lookin’ sexy as hell in her light-up sneakers. What-what!
 
Three years later
 
Edward: Everyone in Europe was killed by vampires.
Bella: How sad.
Jasper: If only the poor fools had tried moving sideways.
Renesmee: Will someone teach me how to use the microwave? 
Bella: I wish there was something we could have done to help those poor Europeans.
Renesmee: Is someone gonna teach me basic life skills or not?!?
Bella: Hush, my darling, and go read Pride and Prejudice again. Then cry a lot. Boys like it when you cry a lot. 
Renesmee: Whatever. I’m going to Becky’s. She says we can make s’mores, whatever those are.
 
Five years later
 
Bella: Who wants to play “think of the highest number”? I’ll start: 59!
Alice: 94!
Jasper: 106!
Renesmee: Mom, your best friend keeps trying to hit on me and it’s hella creepy.
Edward: 152!
Rosalie: 199!
Renesmee: Seriously, guys, I’m like, six. Is no one concerned about a 21 year-old man being sexually interested in me?
Bella: 203!
 
Ten years later
 
Renesmee: Well, guys, despite your best attempts to keep me uneducated and dependent on a man, I’m going to college. In South Carolina. Don’t wait up.
Edward: Maybe we should get that house plant now.
Bella: No, the time’s not quite right.
Jasper: Hey, guys, want to list all the things that are blue?
Alice: Smurfs!
Esme: Some birds!
Rosalie: One of my hats!
Renesmee: I hate you all.
 
Fifty years later
 
Bella: I’m not saying we should get a house plant, but if we did, we could put it in the kitchen.
Edward: You’re wise.
Quil: You know what the best part of being an immortal teenager making out with a 70 year old woman is? Everything. 
 
 Final Book Count:
Stupidity: +326
Angst: +28
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +46
Cream Count: +19
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward +17 Jacob +9
 
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Comments
  1. sammygirl1967 says:

    Your predictions for the future were beautiful. I’m just gonna sit here and pretend that’s exactly what happened, because it’s about a gazillion times more entertaining and interesting than what we actually got from the “story”. Plus, the idea of Renesmee just ditching them all, and Emmett just being “Fuck this shit!” is awesome. Maybe they can meet again after Nessie finishes college and go off and be an uncle-niece duo who fight crimes, like Inspector Gadget, but with vampires. 🙂

  2. RJ Daniels says:

    I have to both commend and thank you for managing to finish the entire series. I am in the process of writing a paper on why people shouldn’t read Twilight and your delightful recaps have saved me the torture of having to read all four books in two days. I’m sure I could do it, but I might very well be in a mental hospital by the end.

  3. If you’re looking for something to review after this there’s this other shitty book series about a boring “heroine” falling in love with a emo vampire. It starts with a book called Vampire Kisses if you’re interested.

  4. Melanie Faye Cain says:

    Honestly, I couldn’t have put it better myself twilight is a story about a melodramatic girl who doesn’t like birthday parties. How very FASCINATING (note the sarcasm). I nontly love you for writing this 😀

  5. lucatri says:

    Are there more recaps on the way? 🙂

  6. Cassandra says:

    All your Werewolf-Indieband-Names:

    Bear with Wolflegs
    Vampire Mafia
    The Werewolf-Housewive
    Werewolf-Orgie
    The Cildren of the Moon

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