Posts Tagged ‘True love’

What this chapter should be called: Forget the last three books ever happened
Fucks I give: 1


In this chapter, the amount of reasons to hate Bella skyrocketed. We all know I’ve never waved around a Team Bella flag, mostly because she’s annoying and stupid, but this chapter really does it for me. Everything just kind of reaches the tipping point. It’s like losing her V-card has caused Bella to do a complete 180 attitude-wise. It’s pointless and it pisses me off. But more on that later.


“My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled (well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely). We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water, the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.”


Each day, Edward takes Bella out to do some exotic fun thing, mostly some cliched stuff that people “in love” do, and each night Bella is completely exhausted. This is all part of Sparklepeen’s ploy to keep her mind off sex. Bella is going mad from the lack of sexytimes. She’s even taken to prancing around the house in the lingerie. Yes, Bella “Sweatpants” Swan has started doing something she hates in a desperate attempt to get some. (+1 Stupidity) Edward pretends not to notice anything, and the two remain PG-13. But Bella is not ready to give up. She’s tasted the thrusting hips of death, and she needs more. She even ups the ante by offering to stay human and go to college in exchange for intercourse.


“Well, I was thinking… I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn’t kill me,” I said, echoing his words from long ago, when he’d tried to persuade me to put off becoming a vampire. “Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can’t keep up with all the brainiacs. Still…eighteen, nineteen. It is really not such a big difference. It’s not like I’m going to get crow’s feet in the next year.”


Jesus H. Christ, Meyer! Do you want me to just disregard everything you’ve written in the last three books? “Bella wants to be a vampire, Bella wants to be beautiful, Bella wants to fuck someone”?!? Did that mean nothing? (+1 Stupidity)


What this chapter should be called: Vampire/Werewolf team-up, please happen already.
Edward creep-o-meter: 4
It’s like the deeper I get into this book, the more hellish it becomes. Ah, well. No use whining. Anyway, this chapter is mostly full of Jasper’s backstory and incredibly contrived tension. Exciting stuff, I’m sure.

So we jump straight into Jasper’s origin story. First, Jasper shows off his metric fuckton of scars, saying that vampire venom is the only thing that leaves a mark. (Wait, so werewolves don’t? I’m so confused.) It’s not really necessary, but Meyer apparently had nothing else to stuff a chapter with, so an origin story it is. It really doesn’t start out as much of a story, as Jasper is just prattling on about vampire culture and whatnot.


“To really understand why, you have to look at the world from a different perspective. You have to imagine the way it looks to the powerful, the greedy . . . the perpetually thirsty. You see, there are places in this world that are more desirable to us than others. Places where we can be less restrained, and still avoid detection. Picture, for instance, a map of the western hemisphere. Picture on it every human life as a small red dot. The thicker the red, the more easily we — well, those who exist this way — can feed without attracting notice.”


Bella does this cute shuddering thing at the word “feed” which is really stupid considering she’s going to be a friggin’ vampire in less than a month. But then again, Bella probably shudders at the words “asparagus” and “sunshine” so it’s possible I’m overreacting a little. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper starts to talk about the south, which is kind of like a vampire wild west. Southern vampires are known for their ability to not give a flying fuck; instead of eating deer and being all civilized like good Northern vampires, they are constantly at war with each other. No sir, in the south, it’s just one big melee battle over who gets the territory with the most delicious humans. (So far, this sounds pretty awesome. Maybe I should give Jasper a chance.) Oh, and the only reason that the southern vampires don’t swarm all over the place is because the Volturi keep them in check. Uh, what? How does the Volturi keep the southern masses down when they have, like, six people? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Suicide is love, right?

Bella like-o-meter: -100,000,000,000,000


Warning: In this chapter, Bella tries to commit suicide. I know this is a pretty delicate topic, and while I think suicide is a very serious issue in real life, this is a horribly written fiction novel, so jokes are made, because taking it seriously in the context it’s written in is fucking impossible. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In this chapter, Bella gets even more unlikeable. I didn’t even think that was possible. And for those of you who believe that Bella could honestly not get any dumber, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.

Somehow we’ve fast-forwarded to spring break in Forks, mostly so Meyer doesn’t have to write about any boring mortals. Bella spends all her time at La Push. Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Bella broods over her relationship with Jacob.


“When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand. This made me brood over what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his “girlfriend.” I supposed that that was exactly what it looked like from the outside.”