What this chapter should be called: Forget the last three books ever happened
Fucks I give: 1
In this chapter, the amount of reasons to hate Bella skyrocketed. We all know I’ve never waved around a Team Bella flag, mostly because she’s annoying and stupid, but this chapter really does it for me. Everything just kind of reaches the tipping point. It’s like losing her V-card has caused Bella to do a complete 180 attitude-wise. It’s pointless and it pisses me off. But more on that later.
“My entertainment became the number-one priority on Isle Esme. We snorkeled (well, I snorkeled while he flaunted his ability to go without oxygen indefinitely). We explored the small jungle that ringed the rocky little peak. We visited the parrots that lived in the canopy on the south end of the island. We watched the sunset from the rocky western cove. We swam with the porpoises that played in the warm, shallow waters there. Or at least I did; when Edward was in the water, the porpoises disappeared as if a shark was near.”
Each day, Edward takes Bella out to do some exotic fun thing, mostly some cliched stuff that people “in love” do, and each night Bella is completely exhausted. This is all part of Sparklepeen’s ploy to keep her mind off sex. Bella is going mad from the lack of sexytimes. She’s even taken to prancing around the house in the lingerie. Yes, Bella “Sweatpants” Swan has started doing something she hates in a desperate attempt to get some. (+1 Stupidity) Edward pretends not to notice anything, and the two remain PG-13. But Bella is not ready to give up. She’s tasted the thrusting hips of death, and she needs more. She even ups the ante by offering to stay human and go to college in exchange for intercourse.
“Well, I was thinking… I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn’t kill me,” I said, echoing his words from long ago, when he’d tried to persuade me to put off becoming a vampire. “Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can’t keep up with all the brainiacs. Still…eighteen, nineteen. It is really not such a big difference. It’s not like I’m going to get crow’s feet in the next year.”
Jesus H. Christ, Meyer! Do you want me to just disregard everything you’ve written in the last three books? “Bella wants to be a vampire, Bella wants to be beautiful, Bella wants to fuck someone”?!? Did that mean nothing? (+1 Stupidity)