Chapter 38: Power (Part 1)

Posted: October 29, 2013 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.
Oh, fuck it. I don’t care anymore. Here’s what happens, and at the end of the chapter, your brain can hurt as bad as mine.

“Chelsea is trying to break our bindings,” Edward whispered. “But she can’t find them. She can’t feel us here. . . .” His eyes cut to me. “Are you doing that?” I smiled grimly at him. “I am all over this.”

 The Volturi are still in their pre-game huddle when suddenly, Chelsea starts trying to break their relationships to each other. Bella handily deflects Chelsea’s power with her magic bubble. She’s still seeing people as dots of light, and I still think she may be suffering from a brain tumor. Poor thing. (+1 Stupidity) 


Then, Jane starts stabbing away with her pain-power, but is also deflected by Bella’s shield.  Edward notes that it’s “standard procedure” for the Volturi to incapacitate those on trial so that they can’t escape. Jane screams in frustration when she can’t pierce the shield, which overjoys the creepy Romanians.

“The Romanians started chuckling with dark anticipation. “I told you this was our time,” Vladimir said to Stefan. “Just look at the witch’s face,” Stefan chortled. Alec patted his sister’s shoulder soothingly, then tucked her under his arm. He turned his face to us, perfectly smooth, completely angelic.”

Alec begins to attack the good vampires with mind-vicodin, leading in to the only action in this book.

“A strange clear haze was oozing across the snow, nearly invisible against the white. It reminded me of a mirage—a slight warping of the view, a hint of a shimmer. I pushed my shield out from Carlisle and the rest of the front line, afraid to have the slinking mist too close when it hit. What if it stole right through my intangible protection? Should we run? A low rumbling murmured through the ground under our feet, and a gust of wind blew the snow into sudden flurries between our position and the Volturi’s. Benjamin had seen the creeping threat, too, and now he tried to blow the mist away from us.”

Alec sends some mean mist to go hurt the good vamps, which Benjamin tries to blow away with some snow flurries. When that doesn’t work, he opens up a chasm in the ground, but the mist creeps right over it. When the mean ol’ mist finally reaches the good vamps (GV), it bounces off Bella’s invisible bubble.

“I could taste it as soon as it touched my shield—it had a dense, sweet, cloying flavor. It made me remember dimly the numbness of Novocain on my tongue. The mist curled upward, seeking a breach, a weakness. It found none. The fingers of searching haze twisted upward and around, trying to find a way in, and in the process illustrating the astonishing size of the protective screen.”


Let me see if I have this straight. After spending two years of my life reading these books, flipping through more than 2,000 pages of crap and cliché, I’m rewarded with a fight between mist, snow flurries, and an invisible bubble?


Snow flurries.

And an invisible bubble.

This isn’t war, this is weather. (+10 Stupidity out of sheer disappointment) 
Are they trying to bore each other to death? Perhaps next, they’ll ramp up the violence and try to tickle each other with shadows and make it drizzle a little so everyone’s hairstyle is ruined. I’ve read backs of cereal boxes that were far more action-packed and dynamic than what is going on right now. The Wikipedia entry on plaid has a better, more satisfying conclusion.
You can buy all four of these books on Amazon for about $40. Give me 75 cents and I will write you a far better, more involved climax, and for a dollar, I’ll throw in a laser-guided chainsaw and a jaguar named Tito. For $40, I expect…no, I demand there be a fight. A real fight. A fight with fists, claws, fangs, and loud, wet crunching noises. I’m not asking for the pilot episode of Jammett: Blood Warriors or anything. But this?
Snow flurries?

An invisible bubble?

Was this book written by an adult or a flock of 9-year-olds at a slumber party? I’m not even pissed. I’m just confused. And it only gets worse.

Everyone starts to call out opponents.



“I’m going to have to concentrate,” I whispered to Edward. “When it comes to hand to hand, it’s going to be harder to keep the shield around the right people.” “I’ll keep them off you.” “No. You have to get to Demetri. Zafrina will keep them away from me.” Zafrina nodded solemnly. “No one will touch this young one,” she promised Edward. “I’d go after Jane and Alec myself, but I can do more good here.” “Jane’s mine,” Kate hissed. “She needs a taste of her own medicine.” “And Alec owes me many lives, but I will settle for his,” Vladimir growled from the other side. “He’s mine.” “I just want Caius,” Tanya said evenly. The others started divvying up opponents, too, but they were quickly interrupted. Aro, staring calmly at Alec’s ineffective mist, finally spoke.”

Aro offers all the vampires with speshul abilities the chance to join the Volturi, but no one moves. The big three finally decide to vote. Caius says they should kill the kid. Marcus shrugs and says they should let Nessie live, and then they should all go out for ice cream and strippers afterwards. No one cares what Marcus has to say. Meyer herself writes, “It was as if Marcus hadn’t spoken at all.” Damn. Even his own author thinks he’s a loser. Poor guy. Suddenly, Edward gets inappropriately excited.

“Suddenly, Edward stiffened at my side. “Yes!” he hissed. I risked a glance at him. His face glowed with an expression of triumph that I didn’t understand—it was the expression an angel of destruction might wear while the world burned. Beautiful and terrifying.”

If you’re still playing the drinking game from book 1 – bless your soul, I don’t know how you’re still alive – this is most definitely a shot. Meyer must have been ready to wrap shit up at this point. I can tell by the vaguely sexual verb followed by a dripping description of beauty. (+1 Cream Count) 

“Perhaps,” Edward said pleasantly, controlling his unexplained excitement. “First, if I could clarify one point?” “Certainly,” Aro said, raising his eyebrows, nothing now but polite interest in his tone. My teeth ground together; Aro was never more dangerous than when he was gracious. “The danger you foresee from my daughter—this stems entirely from our inability to guess how she will develop? That is the crux of the matter?”


No, Edward didn’t just think of a new title for his lullaby about a sleepy tree. He senses something, and starts asking Aro pointed questions about this trial. After some bloated speeches, Aro claims that if the Cullens can somehow prove that a hybrid vampire is not a threat, the Volturi will leave. But Aro doesn’t think this is possible because Nessie is the only hybrid in the entire world.

Or is she?

Nope. She’s not. Thanks for reading my blog. Hope you had fun.

The End.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +11
Cream Count: +1

Book Count:
Stupidity: +305
Angst: +28
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +44
Cream Count: +18
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +17 Jacob: +8
  1. remymckwakker says:

    I think all of us who read this should team up and create Jammett: Blood Warriors. I think, between all of us, we’d be able to pull it off.

    WHO’S IN?

  2. sammygirl1967 says:

    Isn’t it so wonderful how Meyer managed to build up tension and suspense (her version of it at least) for literally HUNDREDS of pages and then just no deliver the fight we’ve been waiting for? The one that was over 90% of the plot of this damn book? Its so good to know that you can totally fake-out your fans like this and just shit out a happy ending without even TRYING to have real conflict. Now I know why she was able to get published. Truly, she is a literary genius.

  3. Jane says:

    “His face glowed with an expression of triumph that I didn’t understand—it was the expression an angel of destruction might wear while the world burned. Beautiful and terrifying.” Wtf this is so cringe. I swear the funniest parts of the series are when Bella describes how good Edward looks or feels like (like a marble stone lol)
    Anyways great job! Thanks for the laugh.

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