Preface, and Chapter 1: Engaged, in which nothing happens except a brief paragraph on how Bella would like to rub naughty-bits with Edward. Really.
Chapter 2: Long Night, in which this book is now about babies.
Chapter 3: Big Day, in which the vampire wedding is not nearly as exciting as I anticipated.
Chapter 4: Gesture, in which ASDFGHJKL JACOB’S BACK
Chapter 5: Isle Esme, in which I was lied to about the sex.
Chapter 6: Distractions, in which I was not distracted from this book’s lack of plot.
Chapter 7: Unexpected, in which nothing was actually unexpected.
Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already, in which I choke on Jacob-angst, due to a switch in narration that makes no fucking sense.
Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming, in which I wish the damn thing would just claw its way out of Bella’s uterus already.
Chapter 10: Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh, Right, Because I’m An Idiot, in which “Edward Cullen’s Guide to a Better Marriage” is not well received by the test group.
Chapter 11: The 2 Things At The Very Top Of My Never-Want-To-Do List, in which Jacob is magic and Bella is sadly not dead.
Chapter 12: Some People Just Don’t Understand The Definition Of “Unwelcome” , in which because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Chapter 13: Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach, on which I gave up and watched some Supernatural on Netflix.
Chapter 14: You Know Things Are Bad When You Fell Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires, in which Jacob is in terrible danger of being nurtured to death.
Chapter 15: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock, in which the fetus explosion is imminent.
Chapter 16: Too-Much-Information Alert, in which Jacob and Leah have a touching heart-to-heart while waiting for the fetus explosion.
Chapter 17: What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart. Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have, in which Jacob creeps on girls at the park.
Chapter 18: There Are No Words For This, in which hoOOOLY SHIT
Chapter 19: Burning, in which Bella is in pain and she deserves it.
Chapter 20: New, in which Bella is oh-so pretty and will not stop telling us about it.
Chapter 21: First Hunt, in which having sex is way more important than being a parent.
Chapter 22: Promised, in which this baby makes no sense whatsoever and is only present because Meyer needed another perfect character to gush over. Also, pedophilia.
Chapter 23: Memories, in which we talk about the baby some more for no reason other than because Meyer can.
Chapter 24: Surprise, in which Bella gets everything she wants, which is not surprising at all.
Chapter 25: Favor, in which Charlie is a sucky dad and Bella’s life gets more perfect.
Chapter 26: Shiny, in which the amount of perfection is OVER 9000.
Chapter 27: Travel Plans, in which no real travel plans are made and no one cares if Renesmee dies in a week or two.
Chapter 28: The Future, in which plot (or what passes for it, at least) happens.
Chapter 29: Defection, in which I am bored out of my skull and sick of Meyer’s obvious plot twists.
Chapter 30: Irresistible, in which Edward would rather Bella die than make a fist.
Chapter 31: Talented, in which no one can fucking understand what a shield is.
Chapter 32: Company, in which murder is okay and we are introduced to a bajillion characters we don’t care about.
Chapter 33: Forgery, in which unnecessary subplot happens.
Chapter 34: Declared, in which everyone feels the need to say what side they are on.
Chapter 35: Deadline, in which we wrap up that unnecessary subplot and prepare for war.
Chapter 36: Bloodlust, in which the Volturi finally, FINALLY show up.