Posts Tagged ‘Dazzle’

What this chapter should be called: PSYCH!

Edward creep-o-meter: Lowered to a 4 due to his repeated absence.

 

These chapters are getting shorter, thank the lord, but I really just want to be done with this garbage. The chapter opens up with a cheesy line describing Bella’s angst.

 

“It had taken much less time than I’d thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.”

 

While Bella rides around in her personalized wah-mbulance, (+1 Angst) Alice has another vision, prompting Jasper to freak the hell out.

 

“Alice!” Jasper’s voice whipped…”

 

Pray tell, Meyer, how exactly does one whip their voice? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) When Jasper asks what it was, Alice’s only response is Bella’s name, and she doesn’t elaborate on it. Bella assumes that she knows what it was and we never actually find out if it really was what Bella thought it was. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper messes with Bella’s head, she empties a sock full of money into her pocket, and the all pile in the car and head to the airport, which raises the question: Has Meyer ever been to Sky Harbor? If she has, she should know that the airport is full of windows. Alice and Jasper will be sparkling like a Las Vegas stripper in July. And what about Eddiekins on the plane? It’s going to be awfully hard to explain why he’s sparkling at 30,000 feet. (+2 Stupidity)

Anyways, once they’re on their way, Bella asks Alice how her powers work. Apparently, Alice’s powers are lamer than we thought, and she isn’t so much psychic as she is a glorified weatherman with an uncanny knack for speeding the plot along.

 

“Yes, things change…” she murmured — hopefully, I thought. “Some things are more certain than others… like the weather. People are harder. I only see the course they’re on while they’re on it.
 Once they change their minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future shifts.”

 

So she’s not really handy, just repetitive.  They finally get to the airport, and I see that Meyer obviously has been to Sky Harbor, but just neglected the fact that her vamps sparkle in the sun, therefore contradicting everything that’s been previously written. (+1 Stupidity) Bella decides she’ll sneak out of a restroom with two doors, and for once, I applaud Meyer for her general knowledge of Sky Harbor, as this seems to be one of the few tidbits of research that she’s actually succeeded at. (+1 Redemption)

 

“The minutes passed and Edward’s arrival grew closer. It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.”

 

Did Meyer even bother to read that sentence and think about how it sounded before she slapped it down? (+1 Stupidity, because that is the last thing I want to think about.)

Bella somehow cons Jasper into taking her to go get food, and somehow Alice doesn’t see her escaping through the bathroom., because that’s what’s important to this paper-thin plot. (+1 Stupidity) Bella runs through the airport, nearly smacking into the sliding doors like an overeager puppy.

 

“I jumped out the automatic doors, nearly smacking into the glass when they opened too slowly.”

 

That’s just too damn funny.

Bella hops on a shuttle to the Hyatt, continuing to jump in a cab once she’s there. She throws a few twenties over the seat and gives the cabbie her mom’s address, and instead of, I don’t know, trying to think of a way to rescue mom and not die while doing it, she decides to fantasize about Edward.

 

“I visualized how I would stand on my toes, the sooner to see his face. How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and
 I would be in his marble arms, finally safe.”

 

How do people say that this is a strong female character?

 

“I could see his face so clearly now… almost hear his voice. And, despite all the horror and hopelessness,
 I was fleetingly happy. So involved was I in my escapist daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.”

 

Remember, kiddies: If you’re ever in a threatening situation, just daydream about your boyfriend for awhile and everything will be okay. (+1 Angst) Sheesh, Bella, you decided to be a moron and do this. Man the fuck up and die with a little dignity. After all, you did create this problem. (+1 Stupidity)

The cabbie asks for the number, and Bella makes a remark along the lines of her “delusions being ruined.”

 

“The cabbie’s question punctured my fantasy, letting all the colors run out of my lovely delusions. Fear, bleak and hard, was waiting to fill the empty space they left behind.”

 

*picks up shotgun, goes to Meyer’s house, and puts the poor thesaurus out of its misery*

Now, where were we? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyhoo, Bella gets to mom’s house, the door is locked for some reason, and there’s a ten-digit number on the whiteboard. Bella calls it, and James answers. Mom is perfectly fine, and he even congratulates her on being so quick.

 

“She’s perfectly fine. Don’t worry, Bella, I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.” Light, amused.”

 

Goddammit, another poor thesaurus just fell victim to Meyer’s depraved hands. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) James gives Bella instructions to the ballet studio down the street, and Bella runs there. And falls down a lot. BELLA IS SUPER CLUMZY, NEVARR 4GET! Then things get interesting.

 

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.
 “Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.
 I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.
 There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief.”

 

PSYCH! Oh readers, you poor fools, you actually thought had Bella’s mom?!? Nope, that would cause tension, God forbid! It was just an old home video! Lol, Meyer, I’m so satisfied with this epic twist!!!

Yeah, no. Time to take this ugly fucker apart.

First off, how the hell did Bella fall for this whole setup? Either she’s dumber than I thought, or James’s phone has some seriously good sound quality, because speakers on a TV going through a phone than playing out from a cell phone sounds JUST LIKE Bella’s mom. (+1 Stupidity) Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone’s TV through my phone and confused it with a person speaking. God, Meyer, you fail.

Second, I’m really interested as to how James found this video. Did he seriously break into their house and just pore over these home videos until he found JUST THE RIGHT ONE? And how would he even come up with this plan anyways? But even then, why would he have even started watching the home videos? Did he think, “I will find one with someone panicking for Bella and use it to lure her here,” because if that’s his master plan, then he’s the worst villain I’ve ever read. (+1 Stupidity)

 

James: *watching at his leisure in Bella’s Mom’s house and eating her popcorn* No no, that one is not NEARLY panicky enough. …No, that one doesn’t have the right intonation… Hmm… Too much background noise in that one…

 

This is probably the most boring hunt ever.

James pops in with a remote, saying it was probably better if Renee wasn’t involved. Bella agrees, which causes James to pause. He asks if Bella’s angry that she was tricked. She says that she’s not.

 

“How odd. You really mean it.” His dark eyes assessed me with interest. The irises were nearly black, just a hint of ruby around the edges. Thirsty. “I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It’s amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all.”

 

So, let me get this straight, Bella’s about to friggin’ DIE and she’s taking note of the color of his eyes?!?!? (+1 Stupidity) She further continues to take notes on James’ appearance, because looks make the person, right? James asks if Edward will come after him.

 

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.” 
”And what was his reply to that?”
 “I don’t know.” It was strangely easy to converse with this genteel hunter. “I left him a letter.”
 “How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?” His voice was just a little harder now, a hint of sarcasm marring his polite tone.
 “I hope so.”
 “Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then…”

 

Translation from Bullshit to English: This is definitely the most boring hunt ever.

James bitches about how it was too easy, and this goes on for two whole pages about how he wanted more of a challenge. (Funny, I wanted more of a PLOT.) His bitch rant turns into a full blown monologue about his diabolical plan to eat Bella. Apparently, Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James dropped by to visit, and heard the message Bella left on the answering machine (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE! (+1 Stupidity) and when he heard that Edward had hopped a plane to Phoenix, he knew that everything was going according to plan.

 

“Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?”
 He took a step back and touched a palm-sized digital video camera balanced carefully on top of the stereo. A small red light indicated that it was already running.”

 

That’s right, James is going to beat the crap out of Bella, eat her, and tape it to enjoy later- I mean, torture Edward with. (Oh, come on, you know he’s totally getting off on that later.) Now that he’s getting this on tape, he launches back into his villainous monologue, bitching about how this one fairy once totally stole his kill.

 

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked — I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans — and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. “

 

WAIT, WHAT?!?!?

 

“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.” “Alice,” I breathed, astonished.”

 

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!?!

So, let me get this straight: Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character who I kinda like, so brutal and interesting as, “she was a victim of 1920’s healthcare”, and yet the rest of this book is full of steaming mind-poison?

I feel freakin’ CHEATED. The fact that something like this happened in Twilight only makes me MADDER.

I HATE STEPHENIE MEYER.

But I digress.

You know, this is a tad ironic, but the sole interesting plot twist isn’t even historically accurate. There was a huge push decades before the 1920’s to make asylums more humane, banning methods of treatment like…electroshock therapy. So really, Meyer still sucks. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, there’s little chance that Alice would have been locked away with no access to sunlight or other people. Most likely she would have been treated by being housed with a bunch of other mentally ill and disabled people, (+1 Stupidity) and that brings me back to my point on therapy. Electroshock therapy wasn’t even invented until 1938, so there’s no way it would have been performed on Alice. (+1 Stupidity) The comment on being burned at the stake is also complete bullshit. The last of the witch burnings were well over by the 19th century. (+1 Stupidity)

And you know the sad part? This all took 5 minutes to Google. Once again, I have put more thought into this book than the actual author.

Also contradictory to this whole clusterfuck of a story, I notice that James mentions destroying the other vamp. Wait, aren’t they pretty much invulnerable? It said that Old Man Carl tried every which way to kill himself. You’d think Carl would have found the one way to off himself if he was serious about it. Now that I think about it, I’m certain he could have killed himself; he killed other vampires before he was turned, right? Why couldn’t he have had someone do the same to him? (+1 Stupidity)

James goes on to bitch some more about, “Waah, I didn’t get to eat Alice,” and figures that getting to eat Bella in exchange for Alice is fair, an I’m forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who, along with Jacob, is clearly the product of the infinite monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

After whining for a little more, James decides to get his little film rolling, He chucks her back into the mirrors, Bella breaks her leg, cuts her scalp, etcetera, etcetera. Here we go!

 

James: *throws Bella into wall* Yeah, that’s how you like it!

Bella: Owww-wait, what? I thought you were going to eat me.

James: You bet I am! *breaks Bella’s leg* Scream for me, human!

Bella: Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?

James: Yeah, I like it rough!

Bella: Are you…are you shooting a porno right now?!?

James: Hey, money’s tight these days. Gotta make a living somehow.

 

So now Bella’s blood is everywhere, and as we all know, once sharkpires smell blood they go into a frenzy, so it’s only natural that James should be having a hard time controlling himself. God, I hope he drains her dry.

I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +264

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +75

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +9

 

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What this chapter should be called: I welcome our new cloud overlords.

 

I think I’ll begin this chapter with a prediction. Since the chapter is called “interrogations”, I’m going to assume there’s really only one interrogation, and it’s most likely going to be Jessica asking Bella questions about her dinner with Edward. Kudos to me if Bella flips a bitch, and Jessica was only naturally being curious.

Bella wakes up and assumes last night was all a dream. I really hate it when she does that. I know you think that her disbelief comes from the fact that Edward’s a vampire, but considering Bella’s usual train of thought when it comes to Edward, I doubt that’s it. Remember, this girl’s not exactly the poster child for common sense.

 

“Logic wasn’t on my side, or common sense.”

 

Oh, sweetheart, it never was.

Thankfully, Meyer cuts the description of Bella’s morning rituals. She’s quickly out the door and out into the foggy day. (The fog magically turns to mist in the next  sentence.) Apparently the fog was so thick it was concealing another car that happens to be silver…oh God, please, I can’t take any more of this torture, no! Have mercy, Lord!

 

“I didn’t see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.
”

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

“Do you want to ride with me today?” he asked…”

 

Goddamn glittery stalker. What did he do, sit out there all night or something? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“…amused by my expression as he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. It was a vain hope.
”

 

Christ on a unicycle, how do I even begin to explain how messed up that is? It says a lot that Meyer has to specifically point out that Edward is giving Bella a choice in the matter, because Edward previously hadn’t given her a choice. So this is their relationship, where the him letting the her choose is a noteworthy occurrence. Don’t even try to pretend that isn’t sexist. Not that Bella has much of a choice, anyway. I mean, Sparklepeen does have her trapped in the driveway, and this is the same guy who had dragged her across a parking lot and forced her into his Volvo.

And if Edward keeps hoping she’ll refuse, why is he even there in the first place?  Once again, he ignores his own warnings and makes Bella do exactly what he tells her not to. Filthy hypocrite. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella says yes, and it turns out Edward’s tan jacket (which was light beige two chapters ago) is in the passenger’s seat.

 

“The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be possible…”

 

I get it, Edward is super special awesometastic. Can we move on now?

Edward says that he brought the jacket so that Bella wouldn’t get sick, and never mind that you can’t actually catch a cold from cold weather. (+1 Stupidity) Sensing another good eye-hump opportunity, Bella pounces like a bitch in heat.

 

“I brought the jacket for you. I didn’t want you to get sick or something.” His voice was guarded. I
 noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the
 fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”

 

I have nothing to say about this. (+1 Eye Rape/ Cream Count)

If this book stopped focusing so much on physical appearance and actually gave the characters some personality, maybe it wouldn’t be half bad.

Moving on. Bella says that she is not that delicate as she puts on the jacket, smelling it again and commenting that it smells better than she remembered. By now I’m wondering when Edward will start walking on water and giving sight to the blind. Edward comments that Bella is fragile(coughweakcough).

 

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.”

 

Let me get this straight. There is a fog out that is so thick that, in Bella’s words, the air is “smoky with it,” and Edward is still speeding? What, does he have super fog-piercing vision as well as giving large amounts of people amnesia? (+1 Stupidity) Edward comments on Bella’s lack of questioning.

 

“He turned to smirk at me. “What, no twenty questions today?”

 

It’s called consistency, Meyer. In some chapters, Edward is a snarky, almost-attractive dude, while in others, he’s a glittery stalker douchebag. WTF, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward points out that Bella is a speshul-snowflake because she takes everything so well. Bella worries that she’s made her man upset. (If anyone wants to start counting up sexism points, feel free.) What a lovely relationship dynamic.

 

“No, that’s the problem. You take everything so coolly — it’s unnatural. It makes me wonder what you’re really thinking.”

”I always tell you what I’m really thinking.”

 

Making sexism jokes about Twilight is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Edward says that not knowing every little thing she thinks is incredibly annoying to him. ( After all, she might do something he doesn’t approve of. The horror!) (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks where the rest of Sparklepeen’s family is.

 

“They took Rosalie’s car.” He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up.

”Ostentatious, isn’t it?”

 

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I’m sorry, I just had a momentary breakdown from the stupidity of that sentence.

Look up “ostentatious”, and tell me it fits right in a description of someone’s car. What, is the exterior covered in precious gems with flowers dangling from the antenna or something? That would be an ostentatious car. What makes this car so damn ostentatious? The fact that it’s red, or the fact that it’s a convertible? Is it really any more showy than a silver Volvo? Poor thesaurus.(+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Um, wow,” I breathed. “If she has that, why does she ride with you?”
 “Like I said, it’s ostentatious. We try to blend in.”

 

Didn’t this girl live in Phoenix? I really doubt that she’s never seen a nice convertible before. But then again, it’s a Cullen car, so it’s probably also a time machine, fully equipped with a warp drive, and has the ability to summon dragons. (+1 Stupidity) Bella asks why they took Rosalie’s car if they’re trying to keep a low profile.

 

“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.”

 

Because Edward is a bad boy rebel, putting in his rebel hair gel and  doing his rebel eyeliner, tweezing his rebel eyebrows and driving his rebel Volvo. That didn’t even answer Bella’s question. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward sticks close to Bella (Always knew he had no concept of personal space.), who says that she wants to touch Edward but is afraid that he won’t like that. Some relationship they’ve got there, huh? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Why do you have cars like that at all?” I wondered aloud. “If you’re looking for privacy?”

”An indulgence,” he admitted with an impish smile. “We all like to drive fast.”

 

Edward says that everyone in his family likes to drive fast. Aren’t they trying to keep their cover? They want to blend in, so they speed down the streets like maniacs? Even if we accept Edward’s bullshit excuse about mind-reading allowing him to break the law (A theory I ripped a new asshole last chapter), what about his other siblings who don’t have his power? Did Meyer put any thought into this pile of shit ? (+1 Stupidity)

They meet Jessica, who’s apparently turned into a cartoon character complete with eyes that pop out of the sockets. She returns Bella’s jacket.

 

“Good morning, Jessica,” Edward said politely. It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible.

Or what his eyes were capable of.”

 

Sentence. Fragment. Detected. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer feels the need to beat it in to us a little more how superawesomegorgeoussexyamazing  Edward is by having any and all females immediately orgasm at the sight of him. (+1 Cream Count/ Eye Rape)

Jessica rushes away (to clean herself off, probably) and Edward asks Bella what she intends to tell Jessica. Bella requests help from Edward, again pleading instead of asking. At this point, I imagine kneeling and clasped hands are involved. Edward, the douchebag, refuses to help her because it wouldn’t be “fair.” The guy reads people’s minds on a regular basis, but THIS is unfair?

I’ve decided to upgrade Edward’s douche container. Instead of a douchebag, he’s now a douchesilo. A fucking silo.

Apparently Jessica wants to know if they’re secretly dating and how Bella feels about Glitterdick. Apparently Edward is so amazing that the people they pass in the hallways are staring at them (gag). He fixes a stray lock of hair on Bella’s head, which makes her heart “splutter hyperactively” (double gag). Edward says he’ll be listening in on the answer to the second question (Absolutely not controlling at all.)  (+1 Red Flag)

How many times have I said, “We get it, Meyer” in these reviews?

Bella is irritated because Edward hasn’t been helpful at all. I get the impression that Meyer wants us to think Edward is being cute and sexy when he’s really just being a dick. Isn’t it in his best interest, as a vampire in hiding, to make sure that Bella has a good story to tell Jessica? Does a 100+ old vampire really think that it’s a good idea to withhold advice, sending Bella to face Jessica unprepared and risk her letting something slip? I guess Sparklepeen is too busy being a douchesilo to realize this. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Morning, Bella,” Mike said from the seat next to me. I looked up to see an odd, almost resigned look on his face. “How was Port Angeles?”

 

Maybe Mike just realized that you aren’t the best thing since sliced bread. (+1 Bitch)

Mike asks Bella if Jessica said anything about their date last Monday. Bella tells him Jessica had a good time. I think it’s fantastic that Mike is moving on from Bella, seeing as she isn’t good enough to breathe the same air as him, but the way Jessica is presented as Mike’s consolation prize just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m also hate how their hooking up was a little too convenient, occurring at just the right time so that Bella would be free to obsess over Edward without any of those pesky human emotions or complicated human friendships getting in the way. As we all know, Meyer hates conflict. (+1 Stupidity)

The only good thing that comes out of this is that I don’t have to watch everything with a penis drool over Bella anymore.

 

“English and then Government passed in a blur, while I worried about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess’s thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it wasn’t saving my life.”

 

A problem she wouldn’t be having were Edward not a tremendous douchesilo. Also, Edward’s psychic powers never saved her life so far. His super speed and strength saved her from the van, and he followed Bella in Port Angeles by tracking her scent. He did mention randomly reading people’s thoughts, but that hadn’t helped him. Continuity is your friend, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day was still dark with low,
oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.
”

 

Meyer describes them as “oppressing clouds.” Not “oppressive,” but “oppressing.” What, are the clouds demanding that Bella sit in the back of the bus or something? Are they forcing slaves to build the pyramids? So THAT’S how Stonehenge was constructed: by cloud-controlled slave labor! Damn clouds, I’m on to you!  In other news, the poor thesaurus is taking it up the ass as we speak. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Maybe the sky glowers because the clouds are oppressing it.

 

“Edward was right, of course. When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly 
bouncing off her seat in agitation.”

 

Because the man is always right and girls live and breathe gossip.

I’m kicking myself so hard for not adding a sexism counter.

 

“W-o-w.” She exaggerated the word into three syllables. “Edward Cullen.”

 

How the hell do you exaggerate “wow” into three fucking syllables? (+1 Stupidity)

The rest of the conversation lapses into what Meyer presumes to be girl talk. Are Bella and Edward going on a date? Did he kiss her? Will he kiss her? You should have seen that waitress flirting with him! Like, OMG, I can feel my hair turning blonde!

 

“Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.”

 

Says the girl who instantly forgave being dragged across a parking lot, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being stalked, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who instantly forgave being scowled at and repeatedly ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who waved away a nightmare in which Edward tried to kill her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who has no problem with Edward being a bloodthirsty vampire who might end up murdering her, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who puts up with thinly veiled threats, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who didn’t mind being picked up and carried like a child, her protests ignored, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who had no trouble with being commanded to eat, even though she wasn’t hungry, because he’s Edward.

Says the girl who, last chapter, confessed her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for a guy she doesn’t know because ZOMFG HE’S EDWARD!

And yet she looks down on JESSICA for excusing Edward’s flaws because he’s pretty? (+2 Bitch for the great irony of the situation)For that matter, the majority of the Twilight fandom is guilty of this; including, ironically, Meyer herself. You see why the above quote is so mind-meltingly awesome? She tries to make Bella appear mature by making Jessica out to be vapid and shallow, but that’s exactly how Bella herself behaves. (+1 Stupidity)

Jessica describes Edward as “intimidating,” and I can almost feel Meyer nudging me on the shoulder and saying “He’s dangerous, I want you to think he’s dangerous. Isn’t he dangerous? Obey me, reader!”

Bella turns the conversation to Jessica, and they talk about Mike and Jessica’s date. When the lunch bell rings, Bella leaps up so fast you’d think someone set fire to her ass. Jessica finally calls her on the fact that she’s going to ditch them for some good ol’ eye sex with Sparklepeen.

 

“I couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t disappear inconveniently again.
But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.”

 

WE FUCKING GET IT, MEYER! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward goes through the lunch line, piling food on a plate, not bothering to ask Bella what she wants. Can’t you just smell the twu wuv in the air?

Bella is curious if Edward can eat people food. He glares at her, takes a bite of pizza, and speaks “condescendingly” to her. No joke, the word is actually used. (+1 Red Flag) Sparklepeen gets annoyed by Jessica’s thoughts, saying Jessica will want to talk to Bella later.

 

“So the waitress was pretty, was she?” he asked casually.

”You really didn’t notice?”

”No. I wasn’t paying attention. I had a lot on my mind.”

”Poor girl.” I could afford to be generous now.

 

Jealous much? (+1 Bitch)

Glitterdick whines that Bella said something he didn’t like, and I get a little respect for Bella.

 

“I’m not surprised you heard something you didn’t like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers,” I reminded him.”

 

A cookie for Meyer since she’s finally starting to comprehend how a real teenage girl would act. (+1 Redemption)

 

“You did,” he agreed, but his voice was still rough. “You aren’t precisely right, though. I do want to know what you’re thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn’t be thinking some things.”

 

Do you realize how utterly wrong this whole quote is? Edward not only expresses a desire to know her thoughts, but also to control them. (+1 Red Flag) If Meyer was a good writer, she might use this as a major driving force of the plot. But it’s stuck as a minor detail that makes Bella oh so speshul, because Meyer wouldn’t know good writing if it sodomized her at a cocktail party. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella scowls (why is everyone always scowling or glaring or frowning in this book?), is offended by the implications of Edward’s words, so Edward changes the subject. It turns out that Edward is bothered by how Bella had said that she cares more for Edward that he does for her. They argue over who loves who more, Edward says that she’s wrong, and Bella disagrees.

 

“Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?” he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.
”

 

I’m considering adding a sub-category for thesaurus rapes that were to describe Sparklepeen’s eyes. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward proceeds to dazzle Bella again. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I tried to remember how to exhale. I had to look away before it came back to me.”

 

Exhaling is an involuntary response, as everyone who’s taken 6th grade science knows. You can’t forget how to do it. I’m going to have to find some crackers to go with this line. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“What makes you think so?” His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating — trying futilely, I assumed, to lift the truth straight from my mind.”

 

I guess Meyer’s trying to find a new exotic term to add to the Edward’s eyes dictionary, but not all topaz is gold. Topaz comes in many colors, and in fact, pure topaz is clear. Research FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

To answer the question of how Bella can be sure that Edward doesn’t know if she cares for him more, there’s always the simple fact that HE CAN’T READ HER MIND! Juuuuust saying.

Bella is completely stumped and struggles to think of an answer to Edward’s question. Um, hello, he can’t read your mind. That was one of the subjects of your conversation, remember? Bella asks for some time to think. How retarded is this girl?? He can’t read your mind. Do I have to spell it out for you? She says that sometimes it sounds like he’s trying to say goodbye when he’s saying something else. She describes this as the best way she could sum up the “sensation of anguish” his words cause her. Wah wah wah! (+1 Angst)

 

“Perceptive,” he whispered.”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

No, seriously.

 

“And there was the anguish again, surfacing as he confirmed my fear. “That’s exactly why you’re wrong, though,” he began to explain, but then his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘the obvious’?”

 

Anguish? Really? (+1 Angst)

 

“Well, look at me,”…”

 

Oh God, here we go.

 

“I’m absolutely ordinary — well,
except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. 

And look at you.” I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.
”

 

Yes, because no one gets in car accidents or ever comes close to getting mugged! In Meyerland, there is no conflict, and we must use every adjective know to man to describe the beauty that is Edward! YAAAY! (+1 Stupidity/ Cream Count)

 

“You don’t
 see yourself very clearly, you know. I’ll admit you’re dead-on about the bad things,” he chuckled blackly, “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.”

 

How the fuck do you chuckle blackly? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Okay, my Mary-Sue meter has just exploded. Apparently Bella is so beautiful and awesome that every male in the school wants her. I guess there are no such things as gays or lesbians in Meyerland. Actually, I’m just glad that he specified “human” males, I’d hate to think even the animals want her. *shudders* (+1 Stupidity)

Bella expresses disbelief at Edward’s words. I should point out that being extraordinarily beautiful and not knowing it is a common Mary Sue trait, most typically found in poorly written fanfiction. Embarrassed, Bella steers the conversation back on topic, which prompts Edward to say one of the dumbest things he’s said so far.

 

“Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it” — he shook his
 head, seeming to struggle with the thought — “if leaving is the right thing to do, then I’ll hurt myself to
keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.”

 

Edward: Oh, Bella, you silly human. Don’t you see that your love can’t possibly compare to mine? I can leave you if I have to … never mind that despite constantly saying that we should stay away from each other, I keep stalking you, breaking into your house, and even tracking you across towns. Now listen as I use over-dramatic wording to describe how I’d do anything to protect you … even though I believe myself to be a genuine threat to you, I keep stalking you, contradicting my own warnings to stay away. LOOK, I SPARKLE!

 

Jesus on a pony, that’s messed up. Judging by Edward’s previous actions and his words just now, it’s plain that he assumes that he controls when the relationship begins, and when it will end. Bella would never have to make the choice of when to leave, because Edward would make it for her. How do people claim that Edward isn’t controlling when he does things like this? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features.
”

 

Edward has more mood swings than a pregnant woman on crack.

 

“Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant
 presence.”

 

Why is Bella always painted as a damsel in distress? Is it all just a convenient way to let Sparklepeen swoop in to save her, showing off how devastatingly bewilderingly godlike awesometastic fantabulous Edward is? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

“I supposed I could purposefully put myself in 
danger to keep him close…”

 

What the fuck?

Wow….just…wow.

Does she really feel that she needs to put herself in danger to keep him around? How in the name of God’s green earth do people see this as an ideal relationship?

 

“… I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.”

 

Did she SERIOUSLY stop thinking something just BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT APPROVE? (+1 RED FUCKING FLAG!)

Edward asks calls Bella on the trip to Seattle that she pulled out of her ass in chapter 4, asking if she really needed to go to Seattle or if she made it up. Bella says it’s Edward’s fault that Tyler’s trying to take her to prom.

 

“It’s your fault that he’s deluded himself into thinking I’m going to prom with him.”

”Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face,” he chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn’t so fascinating. “If I’d asked you, would you have turned me down?” he asked, still laughing to himself.
”

 

So he lets his girlfriend be unhappy because it amuses him?  What a dick. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella tells him she would have canceled eventually, and I have a bad feeling about where this is going. Edward asks why and she says it’s because she’s so clumsy. Funny how we never see this clumsiness except when it’s convenient for her. It’s also funny how her supposed clumsiness never negatively affects her, at least not on screen.

Clumsiness is supposed to be Bella’s one real flaw to balance out her character, because it’s important that a character have exactly ONE flaw, lest she be accused of being a Mary Sue. But clumsiness isn’t really a character flaw at all. If she has trouble with tripping over things or tasks that require hand-eye coordination (how she drives her truck, in this case, is a mystery to me) then it is not a flaw in her personality. It is not a vice, it’s just bad luck. It passes as a flaw if it ended up placing her in bad situations or causing misunderstandings, but that doesn’t happen. So far the worst it has done was give Edward an opportunity to pick up her books and fetch her car key. It has only ever worked in her favor, and is clearly meant to make her more lovable rather than introducing any real fault. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward makes the suggestion that they should do something else rather than go to Seattle, and naturally, he gets his way.

 

“
As long as the “we” part was in, I didn’t care about anything else.
”

 

Damn, this girl is clingy!

 

“I’m open to alternatives,” I allowed. “But I do have a favor to ask.”

He looked wary, as he always did when I asked an open-ended question. “What?”

 

Dear Lord, how do I begin? Is Edward really so controlling Bella can’t ask an open question? I can really almost feel Meyer tapping me on the shoulder, saying, “It’s okay because he’s a vampire so that makes him mysterious! Don’t you think he’s mysterious? He’s very mysterious.” and all that bullshit. Her request must be very unreasonable, then.

 

“Can I drive?” 

He frowned. “Why?”

 

Noooooooope!

 

“Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going
 alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn’t lie, but I don’t think he will ask
 again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because 
your driving frightens me.” He rolled his eyes. “Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.”

 

Gee, I wonder why Bella could possibly have a problem with a guy who drives at 100 MPH and doesn’t pay attention to the road. Edward asks Bella why she’s keeping him a secret from Charlie, and Bella gives a non-answer. I also don’t understand why Bella doesn’t trust her father … at all. Does she seriously think he’ll not approve of Edward, even after that  big impassioned speech he gave in chapter two about how much he loves the Cullens?

Edward says that it’ll be sunny that day, so he’ll be in hiding, and he invites Bella to come with him. Meyer specifically points out that Edward is letting Bella make a decision, which I find insulting because Meyer treats the occurrence of a man letting a woman choose as being somehow special. Bella practically orgasms, as this means she’ll finally find out why he doesn’t go out in sunlight. Oh, I can hardly wait until that scene … kind of like how I eagerly anticipate cancer.

 

“Yes.” He smiled, and then paused. “But if you don’t want to be… alone with me, I’d still rather you
 didn’t go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size.”

 

Bella makes the very valid point that she can do just fine by herself. Edward pretty much dismisses the idea, saying that she needs to be under his protection 24/7. Listening to him, you’d wonder how Bella’s survived this long.

Edward sees Bella as weak, incompetent, and incapable of fending for herself. He doesn’t respect her at all, he only patronizes her. In his mind, there’s no balance of power in their relationship, because all of the power is his. He thinks he is the one who makes the decisions, as evidenced by an earlier quote in this chapter, and he offers her non-choices as an afterthought. Their relationship is not a partnership, it is a master/slave relationship with Edward controlling everything. That’s NOT true love. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I know,” he sighed, brooding. “You should tell Charlie, though.”

”Why in the world would I do that?”

His eyes were suddenly fierce. “To give me some small incentive to bring you back.”

 

Now introducing a new feature: the Edward Creep-o-meter, with one being take him home to meet the parents and 10 being change the locks, take self defense classes, file a restraining order, and buy a pit bull, it’s now at an even ten. (+1 Red Flag)

Being the dumb bitch she is, Bella says she’s not going to tell Charlie (+1 Stupidity). Edward gets all pissy, and Bella changes the subject. She asks why Edward and Emmett went to Goat Rocks if there a so many bears around. ( They had a wild frolic through the forest, in the pursuit of hot, tender meat, grasping and sucking on that meat – if you’re going to think like that, I’m just going to stop there. Good Lord.) After a while, Bella puts it together and figures out they were hunting (Hunting for-never mind.) and informs Edward that bears aren’t in season.

 

“If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons,” he informed me.”

 

See, the great thing about the internet is that it’s full of information, so when an amateur author tries to bullshit you, you can totally call her on it after doing the research she didn’t bother with. In this case, a quick Google search on Washington laws brought me to this document which defines hunting as this:

 

(53) “To hunt” and its derivatives means an effort to kill, injure, capture, or harass a wild animal or wild bird.

 

Did you see anything about weapons in there? Me neither. But just to be sure, I cross-referenced it with an official pamphlet on Washington state hunting regulations, found here. In both documents, the definition of “to hunt” is the  exact same.

In conclusion, Edward is full of shit. His supposed loophole is another ass pull by Meyer, as any attempt to harm a wild animal is considered hunting in Washington state law, weapons or not. How does it feel that a 14 year old can do better research than you, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Once Bella finally figures it out, she asks what Edward’s favorite is. This wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, and he frowns in disapproval before saying “mountain lion.” Guess this is Meyer’s way of telling us that he really does like pussy. (Sorry, Emmett.)

Edward tells Bella that they try to lessen their impact on the environment by focusing on areas with an overpopulation of predators, something that doesn’t occur in the unless something happened to radically decrease the amount of available prey. (+1 Stupidity) Edward tries to impress Bella by talking more about bears and how they’re best hunted when they’re irritable. Bella doesn’t respond with the gushing praise and awe he’s expecting, so he finally demands to know what she’s really thinking.(+1 Red Flag) Bella wants to know how they hunt bears without weapons.

 

“Oh, we have weapons.” He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me. “Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you’ve ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting.”

 

Yes, you can certainly visualize Emmett with a mouth full of meat, working his lips over the throbbing organ in order to make it surrender its precious fluid. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Continuing, Edward is still BSing us about the hunting laws. He is hunting, according to the laws I’ve referenced above. But this is the guy who drives down the street at 100 mph, so.

This brings me to another point: How do they drink blood? Meyerpires don’t have fangs, so it would be very difficult to pierce the jugular and drink the blood. I doubt they would just go at it with their incisors, since that would be highly impractical and very messy. Jesus, I’m just starting and I’ve already put more thought into this than Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks if she might ever get to see him hunt, and Sparklepeen immediately denies her request. He orders Bella off to class and they promise to resume their conversation later.

Congratulations to Meyer for writing the first book that’s ever made me want to commit suicide.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +23 (New Record!)

Angst: +2

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +2

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +104 (Triple digits!)

Angst: +18

Bitch: +47

Thesaurus Rape: +32

Eye Rape: +7

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: +24

Redemption: +5

What this chapter should be called: Stalking and feeling the urge to murder is sexy, not creepy!

 

Jessica and Bella and Angela drive off into (the sunset, I hope..) the bustling metropolis that is Port Angeles. (Goddammit!) It also turns out that Meyer’s supporting characters are super-speshul, because Jessica makes the drive to Port Angeles by 4 o’clock, something that shouldn’t be possible unless they got out of school early or something. (+1 Stupidity) They talk about boys, which is all the girls in Meyer’s book seem to be able to talk about. Jessica then makes an interesting observation:

 

“Didn’t you ever go with a boyfriend or something?” Jess asked dubiously as we walked through the front doors of the store.

”Really,” I tried to convince her, not wanting to confess my dancing problems. “I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn’t go out much.”

”Why not?” Jessica demanded.

”No one asked me,” I answered honestly.

She looked skeptical. “People ask you out here,” she reminded me, “and you tell them no.”

 

Once again, Meyer fails at painting Jessica as a nosy bitch. It seems to me Jessica has a valid point.  Bella is a stupid bitch who doesn’t deserve to lick Jessica’s boots.

I also notice Meyer just can’t use the word ‘said’. In Meyer-Land you’re not allowed to get a feel for a character by simply observing his or her behavior. Everything has to be spelled out for you.

Angela mentions that Tyler has been so awestruck by the incredibleness that is Bella Swan that he’s told everyone he’s taking her to prom, and then any chance there was of me liking Bella flies out the window.

 

“I ground my teeth. “Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck he would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on making amends and call it even?”

 

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

This is possibly the most bitchy, mean-spirited thing I’ve seen Bella say yet. Tyler almost killed her, I’d be worried if he didn’t feel guilty! Maybe if Bella got off her high horse and stopped being such a monstrous bitch Tyler wouldn’t feel the need to take her to prom! Instead, she decides to fantasize about killing someone with her truck because he felt guilty. (+2 Bitch, for the sheer bitchiness of this event.)

Meyer continues her clusterfuck of a plot and has  Jessica mention that’s why Lauren doesn’t like her. What the hell? All of Lauren’s previous comments have been about one topic: the Cullens. Why doesn’t Bella go sit with the Cullens, you invited the Cullens to the beach, didn’t you, and so on. Lauren calls Bella out on the fact that she neglects her friends to eye-hump Sparklepeen whenever she can, but instead of continuing off that Meyer makes it all about a man. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella finds a way to work the Cullens into her conversation and asks Angela  if it’s normal for the Cullen to miss school a lot. Angela says they always go camping when it’s sunny out. Even though Bella’s oh-so smart, she fails to realize “Oh hey, maybe the Cullens never come to school when it’s sunny because they’re secretly vampires.” (+1 Stupidity)

Afterwards, Bella decides to go to a bookstore on her own, once again doing anything possible to avoid people who are nice to her. (+1 Bitch) She heads off and finds the bookstore.

 

“The windows were full of crystals, dream-catchers, and books about spiritual healing. I didn’t even go inside. Through the glass I could see a fifty-year-old woman with long, gray hair worn straight down her back, clad in a dress right out of the sixties, smiling welcomingly from behind the counter. I decided that was one conversation I could skip. There had to be a normal bookstore in town.”

 

What…a…bitch!

Bella hates people judging her, but she imposes stereotypes on everyone else! For all she knows, that woman could have written a bestselling novel and have a PhD in literature, but just because she looks the way she does she apparently isn’t worth Bella-Sue’s time. (+1 Bitch)

 

I wasn’t paying as much attention as I should to where I was going…”

 

Bella just decides to wander around in an unfamiliar town and hopes she gets lucky and falls right on top of a bookstore. Has the stupid bitch never heard of asking for directions? (+1 Stupidity)

 

“…I was wrestling with despair.”

 

Bella takes another trip on the wah-mbulance (+1 Angst) waxing poetical about how agonized with despair she is when she spots a silver Volvo down the street *WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE*

Bella gets lost because she’s too stupid to ask for directions, and a group of locals yell at her. Immediately Bella assumes her incredible non-beauty has made her a rape target. This might actually be some good tension if I believed for one second that Meyer would actually harm her precious self-insert.

She wanders around like the stupid bitch she is, and is herded like a cow into an alley. They close in on her, and Bella tells them to stay away from her.

 

“Don’t be like that, sugar,” he called, and the raucous laughter started again behind me.

 

Turns out, this whole situation was a set-up to let Edward ride in and be Bella’s knight in shining armor. He mows down the would-be rapists (name callers, coughcough) in his shiny Volvo and literally commands Bella to get in the car. He orders her to put on her seatbelt, because she’s a woman and therefore needs to be ordered. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“But I felt utterly safe and, for the moment, totally unconcerned about where we were going. I stared at his face in profound relief, relief that went beyond my sudden deliverance. I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.”

 

Is this girl so idiotic that she feels completely safe even though Edward looks angry enough to commit murder? (+1 Stupidity) Sparklepeen tells Bella to go on about something unimportant until he calms down. Bella relates her fantasy of running over Tyler with her truck.(+1 Bitch) 

 

“Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.” He was whispering, too, and as he stared out the window, his eyes narrowed into slits. “But it wouldn’t be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…” He didn’t finish his sentence, looking away, struggling for a moment to control his anger again.”

 

Are we really supposed to believe Bella was in any sort of danger? We never got to see any of the men put a hand on her, let alone do anything. The worst they did was call her ‘sugar’, and that’s what horny twenty-somethings do. For all we know, they just wanted to join the Twilight hatedom and make fun of this idiot girl. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella mentions that Jessica and Angela will be worried. Sparklepeen takes Bella on a physics-defying trip back to town.

 

“We were under the streetlights in no time at all, still going too fast, weaving with ease through the cars slowly cruising the boardwalk. He parallel-parked against the curb in a space I would have thought much too small for the Volvo, but he slid in effortlessly in one try.”

 

Is every cop in Washington on a coffee break or something? If he’s weaving through traffic, he’s obviously speeding. Meyer tries to make Edward seem like one smooth mofo, but I’m thinking that they’re gonna have a really hard time opening the doors. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I looked out the window to see the lights of La Bella Italia, and Jess and Angela just leaving, pacing anxiously away from us.
”

 

Subtlety must be Meyer’s middle name. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward tells Bella he’s taking her out for dinner, leaving no room for denial. He tells Bella to go get Jessica and Angela. She does, and Jessica and Angela ate without her.

 

“I think you should eat something.” Edward’s voice was low, but full of authority. He looked up at Jessica and spoke slightly louder. “Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? That way you won’t have to wait while she eats.”

That is not controlling at all. (+1 Red Flag)

 

Seriously, do I even have to begin to point out what’s wrong with that sentence? Meyer flat out says, “ He can make her do whatever he wants because he’s a big strong man!”  We’re supposed to believe he’s acting out of concern, but the way he makes decisions without her opinion and leaves no room for opposition screams abuse. Some people might call that overstepping boundaries and take it as the first sign of a controlling boyfriend, but those people are sane, and therefore have no place in MeyerLand.

Bella insists she isn’t hungry, but since Sparklepeen’s already decided he’s going to get his way, he tells her to humor him and she does.

Excuse me, but I’m going to go call women everywhere to apologize for the blatant sexism in this book.

 

“He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion.”

 

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHH!!!

 

And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

He chortled in his joy.

 

I fucking hate fixing these damn dents.

Anyhoo, the hostess seats them and becomes instantly horny at the sight of Edward, and Meyer makes it clear that she is jealous that he is with Bella, because that’s the only thing a female can possibly have on her mind.

 

“Perhaps something more private?” he insisted quietly to the host. I wasn’t sure, but it looked like he smoothly handed her a tip. I’d never seen anyone refuse a table except in old movies.
”

 

If that kind of stuff only happened in old times, I guess I live in 1952 because I’ve turned down a table plenty of times. If the place isn’t that crowded and there’s a place I’d rather sit, I ask for it. If Meyer thinks that asking for another seat in a restaurant is old fashioned, then she’s dumber than I thought. And what’s with the tip? Bella said that the place wasn’t crowded, so there are at least several other available seats. A tip isn’t required to get reseated. Meyer wants Edward to look like one slick mofo, but he just looks retarded. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

”Do what?”

”Dazzle them like that — she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

 

Once again, Meyer takes the time to beat it into in to us that Sparklepeen is oh-so gorgeous. Meyer’s writing has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face, and I feel like she seems to think that the only way to get a point across is to beat the reader over the head with it until their eyes bleed.

 

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?”

 

There we have it folks: The line that launched a thousand antis. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

The waitress arrives and immediately orgasms because she is in the presence of the god that is Edward Cullen. *eye roll* We get to watch Meyer’s obvious sexism towards the female characters, which is a little like watching a train wreck, just less exciting and far more insulting.

 

“And then our server arrived, her face expectant. The hostess had definitely dished behind the scenes, and this new girl didn’t look disappointed. She flipped a strand of short black hair behind one ear and smiled with unnecessary warmth.

”Hello. My name is Amber, and I’ll be your server tonight. What can I get you to drink?” I didn’t miss that she was speaking only to him.”

 

Meyer was bullied as a teen, wasn’t she? She seems to hold a real hatred towards women, portraying them as shallow, stupid Barbie dolls, with no real interest other than ogling the hot piece of man-candy that is Sparklepeen.

Edward asks Bella how she’s feeling, and at this point I’m so certain of her Mary-Sue status I know that she’ll be just fine.

 

“Well, I’m actually waiting for you to go into shock.” His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.

”I don’t think that will happen,” I said after I could breathe again. “I’ve always been very good at repressing unpleasant things.”

 

Like fishing trips with her caring father? How horrible. (+1 Bitch) (I bet Bella wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, “NOT THE TROUT!”)

 

Bella orders something, and the waitress ogles Sparklepeen some more and then rushes off to the kitchen to touch herself place the order.

 

“Drink,” he ordered. I sipped at my soda obediently…”

 

Edward orders, Bella obeys. That’s not sexist at all. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella shivers from the drink ( is that even possible?) and Edward takes off his jacket to give to her.

 

“He handed me the jacket, interrupting my ogling.
”

 

I guess all those hours at the Meyerpire gym really paid off. (+1 Eye Rape)

Bedward exchange some meaningless conversation, and Bella worries, I kid you not, about displeasing him. Detective Bella comments about how Edward’s happier when his eyes are lighter. Edward asks if Bella has any more theories, and Bella says she’ll tell him in the car. The stupid bitch redeems herself a bit and asks why Edward is in Port Angeles at all.

 

“He looked down, folding his large hands together slowly on the table. His eyes flickered up at me from under his lashes, the hint of a smirk on his face.

”Next.”

 

What a dick.

 

“Okay, then.” I glared at him, and continued slowly. “Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that…
someone… could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know — with a few exceptions.”

 

Where the holy hell did this come from?

Detective Bella completely pulls this from nowhere, when she has never even hinted at him having psychic abilities in previous chapters! Maybe if she had slipped in that she believed he could read minds or something in I would half believe this. ( Like in Sorcerer’s Stone Harry hints he felt like Snape could read minds and in Order of the Phoenix Snape turns out to be an Occlumens? That’s good writing.) Besides, psychics look like this and this and this, not like this. Once again, Meyer tries to make Bella look like fucking Einstein for bridging the gap, but she couldn’t even make the connection between the Cullens skipping school and the weather. This, my friends, is called an ass pull.  (+1 Stupidity)

Super smart Detective Bella continues her conversation about the theory she completely shat out when we were looking the other way. She backs Edward into a corner and he has an internal debate on whether or not to tell her.

 

“You can trust me, you know,” I murmured. I reached forward, without thinking, to touch his folded hands, but he slid them away minutely, and I pulled my hand back.”

 

Will someone PLEASE find Meyer’s thesaurus and put the damn thing out of its misery? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I was wrong about you on one other thing, as well. You’re not a magnet for accidents — that’s not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for trouble. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you.”

 

Of course everything bad finds our little Mary-Sue. Meyer continues to rape her thesaurus a little more.

 

“His face turned cold, expressionless. “Unequivocally.”

 

Honestly, who the fuck talks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) 

Bella thanks him for saving her from the rapists/muggers/name-callers/whatever the hell they were, and Edward admits he followed her to Port Angeles.

 

“I followed you to Port Angeles,” he admitted, speaking in a rush.

 

How awkward would that be? (+1 Red Flag)

 

You: Thank you for saving me, I’m so grateful.

Sparklepeen: I watch you sleep.

 

“I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.”

 

Fuck you Bella Swan. Fuck. You.

Besides, why is Bella okay with this? She can barely tolerate Mike walking her to class, but Edward stalking her to another town is okay? What a hypocrite. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward orders Bella to eat while he talks. He says he followed her to Port Angeles because he didn’t give his express permission he wanted to keep her safe. He kept tabs on her by getting her scent off the panties he stole from her house reading Jessica’s mind. When he lost her, he heard the intended muggers thinking about her, and it was incredibly hard to leave them alive because only he is allowed to stalk Bella, goddammit!  because he wants to murder them for touching precious Bella-Sue.

Edward picks up the check and gives the waitress another orgasm before leaving, and they walk to the Volvo and the chapter ends.

Is it normal to have to take Tylenol for a headache after reading a book?

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +11

Angst: +1

Bitch: +6

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Eye Rape: +1

Red Flag: +3

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +65

Angst: +14

Bitch: +42

Thesaurus Rape: +23

Eye Rape: +4

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +10

Redemption: +4

 

What this chapter should be called: Nothing Fucking Happens

 

Bella’s next day is apparently better and worse. Better because it isn’t raining and worse because- dun dada dun!! Edward isn’t at school. Seriously, what is her problem with this guy?  So, he didn’t go out of his way to treat you like a princess like the rest of the fricking school. Big deal. Bella walks us through her entire day up to Biology:

 

“Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.”

 

So people can’t be nice or ‘mean’ to you? (+1 Bitch) Let me point out that the first week at a new high school is usually hell on earth for most teenagers, and Mike has totally gone out of his way to help you and you call him a dog? What’s wrong with Mike?

While Bella plots ways to get rid of nothing-wrong-with Mike, Edward doesn’t turn up for class, and this makes Bella a saaad panda. (+1 Angst) Of course, Super-Speshul Bella must be the reason why he isn’t there!

 

“But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there.”

 

Bella goes to gym and tells us all about how awful it was. Meyer, have you ever heard of, “show, don’t tell”? From the way you write, I guess not. Meyer’s always telling us how clumsy Bella is instead of showing us. Take her to gym class and make her fall down, for Chrissakes! Once again, I will reference Harry Potter to preserve my fragile sanity. Rowling doesn’t just tell us that Harry is good at Quidditch, she takes him on the field and makes him play!

 

“Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dish rags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here. No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”

 

Because all that matters is looks! Personality or intelligence totally doesn’t matter! Plus, I don’t like the excessive descriptions. Yes, I know it’s not that bad, but we’ve already established the fact that they’re hot and their clothes don’t really give anything to the story. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

So Bella goes grocery shopping and something that bothers me happens.

 

“I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay.”

 

The man has been feeding himself for 14 years, I’m pretty sure he can cook something besides eggs and bacon. Plus, why do you need to cook? I have two theories on this:

1.She doesn’t want Charlie to do anything for her because she dislikes him for totally unspecified reasons.

2. She is a woman, so therefore Meyer feels she belongs in the kitchen.

Super fun prediction time! Which reason do you think is right and which one do you think Meyer wants us to believe? So Bella starts making steak and potatoes, and then changes clothes and settles down to email her mother. After a completely pointless exchange, (does anyone else notice that Meyer shows the things she should tell and tells the things she should show?) she goes back down to cook and blah, blah, blah, I don’t give a fuck.

Later, Charlie asks Bella how school is going. What a kind, caring father, don’t you think? What’s that? You do? Well, shut up, because Bella sure doesn’t, and who’s to disagree with Bella-Sue? Not I, that’s for sure, *eye roll*

Sure enough, Bella works in a way to mention the Cullens.

 

“Charlie surprised me by looking angry. “People in this town, ” he muttered. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here, ” he continued, getting louder. “We’re lucky to have him — lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He’s an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they’re all very mature — I haven’t had one speck of trouble from any of them. That’s more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend… Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk. ”

 

Why do I feel like Charlie just turned into a giant megaphone for Meyer to emphasize how great the Cullens are? You think he would have mentioned them before if he really thinks they’re that great. (+1 Stupidity)

I didn’t really read the next part, but Bella rambles on about being forced to play volleyball and- sound the trumpets- Edward is still gone from school.

 

“I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.”

 

Painful as it sounds, I put myself in Bella’s shoes for a minute. If I started at a new school where everyone was nice to me and one random dude seems a little indifferent and then leaves, I just don’t give a fuck. I’m too busy with my new friends.

So Bella walks out of class with nothing-wrong-with Mike and it starts snowing. Snowballs are thrown, snowmen are made, yadda yadda yadda. Bella goes to lunch, and guess what? Edward’s back! Maybe something interesting will actually happen now!

I’m honestly just considering throwing in the towel right now, but I have made up my mind to read this book, and goddammit, I will read it!  Bella ignores her new friends and gets back to eye-humping the Cullens. Meanwhile, nothing-wrong-with-Mike plans a snow fight to end all snow fights in the parking lot after school.

 

“Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”

 

It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want? (+1 Bitch) Bella goes to Biology, and you have no idea how fucking grateful I am for a chance at some character development.

Game faces on, folks!

 

“Hello, ” said a quiet, musical voice. I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. “My name is Edward Cullen, ” he continued. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan. ”

 

First off, let’s make it clear I will be awarding thesaurus rape points every time the word dazzle is used. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Cream Count)

Second, what the fuck?

If Bella feels sincerely hurt by Edward’s actions (I rather doubt it) she wouldn’t be having one every five seconds. (+1 Stupidity)People don’t just forget being hurt by a person. I’m also a little confused about the message this sends. Gents, if you want a girl to think about you, just act like you’re deathly allergic to her and disappear for a week! You’ll be the only thing on her mind! *big eye roll*

So Bella and Edward get to do a biology lab together.

What?

Jesus, I wanted some character development, not another excuse to make Bella look like a speshul snowflake. Of course, our little Mary-Sue has already done this lab! She looks at the first slide, and Edward catches her hand and asks to see it. Guess what?

 

“His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.”

 

But wait, it gets better.

 

“When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.”

 

Here’s a fun-fun activity for you: Stick your hand in a freezer for five minutes. Touch someone of the opposite gender, preferably someone who is attracted to you. Did they feel something comparable to electric shock? (+1 Stupidity)

Of course, it’s possible Eddie just really likes walking around in his socks.

Bella and Edward compare slides to identify stages of mitosis, competing to see who can get the most right. Is this what passes for witty banter these days?

 

“I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.”

 

Even this dude’s handwriting is pretty… and my Marty Stu siren just started blaring.

Bella and Edward (If I have to refer to both of them, I think I’ll just call them Bedward from now on) exchange meaningless small talk until Edward hits jackpot:

 

“Why did you come here, then?”

 

KA-CHING!!!!

Yes! Now Meyer will finally tell us why Bella left Mom and Boyfriend!  A good writer would give Bella a strong reason to leave. Did Phil hit her behind Mom’s back? Abuse her? Is he a druggie? Alcoholic? Angry Birds addict? Does he hide illegals in Mom’s spare bedroom? Sell cocaine? Member of the Mafia? Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat here.

 

“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living. ”

 

I just died a little inside.

Honestly, Meyer? You couldn’t have given us a real reason? He travels a lot? Is that the best you can come up with? I wanted something that would give Bella a reason as to why she was so angsty and ARGGGGH I’m going to beat my head against my wall.

 

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!

 

Note to self: fix dent in wall.

 

All right, all better now. Let’s continue.

 

“You put on a good show, ” he said slowly. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see. ”

 

Fuck you, Edward. She hasn’t suffered at all. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks Bella if he’s being annoying. I hope she says yes, cause he’s annoying me.

 

” Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book. ”

 

Let’s face it, Edward is being a tad annoying. But Bella shoulders the blame. I have an odd feeling that this is going to set the precedent for their relationship. (Meyer, if the first hundred pages of your novel rely on suspense, don’t slap, “and I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” on the back.)

 

So the bell rings and Edward GTFOs.

 

“Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.”

 

Will you just lay off nothing-wrong-with Mike for a minute? I highly doubt he actually skipped. (+1 Bitch/Thesaurus Rape) Nothing-wrong-with Mike seems interested in Edward’s behavior, and this seems justified. If the Cullens never have paid any attention to the other students, Edward actually seeming interested in Bella is an odd thing. Not to Bella, though.

 

What Mike says: Wow, Edward was really friendly to you. How strange. He’s never like that.

What Bella hears: OMG I AM SOOOO JEALOUS NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE FRIENDLY TO YOU EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I’M IN LOOOVE WITH YOOOU! MAY I KISS YOUR SHOES NOW?

 

“I couldn’t concentrate on Mike’s chatter as we walked to Gym, and PE.”

 

What, you’re too special to even listen to the dude now? (+1 Bitch)Bella gets into her car when school’s out and goes home.

 

“I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.”

 

I want to kill myself.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +4

Angst: +1

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +7

Bitch: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

Redemption: +1