Posts Tagged ‘Feminism’

What this chapter should be called: Sexual assault is cool!
Special Edition! Jacob douche-o-meter: 38

 

Today is a sad day, my friends. This chapter was the one where Meyer realized that Jacob was more likeable than Edward, resulting Jacob’s total character assassination.  Oh, how I weep for the loss of Jacob 2.0, who has been replaced by Jacob 2.5 – the same character only a thousand times more douche-y.

Why do the good ones die young?!?

Anyways, after Jacob’s big non-reveal, Bella shows her grown-up and mature side by deciding to run away from this “problem” instead of facing it head-on. I say “problem” because this wouldn’t really be a huge deal if Bella had done the right thing way back in Twilight and let Jacob know that he would be banished to the friendzone for all eternity. So, really, this whole “love triangle” ordeal is all because Bella-Sue is a giant twatwaffle. (+1 Bitch/Stupidity)

Jacob isn’t exactly helping the whole situation, either. You’d think after Bella ditched him to go jaunting off to Italy he would have figured out that he was never getting in those pants. (+1 Stupidity) On a side note, why do I keep being surprised by the boundless idiocy characters display in these books?

Jake continues to run with the idiot ball, asking questions that require Bella to think. Oh, this will not end well.

 

“No, wait. I know that, Bella. But, look, answer me this, all right? Do you want me to go away and never see you again? Be honest.” It was hard to concentrate on his question, so it took a minute to answer. “No, I don’t want that,” I finally admitted.”

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What this chapter should be called: Edward Cullen’s guide to controlling your woman.

Edward creep-o-meter: 15 GOOD LORD

 

Chapter two is an odd one. Half of it makes me go, “God, Bella, your school day is just so fucking exciting” and the other half creeps the everloving hell out of me. You’ll see why.

Bella skips down the school halls, absolutely thrilled to be holding hands with “the most perfect person on the planet.” Her words, not mine. (+1 Cream Count)

 

Maybe it was the knowledge that my sentence was served and I was a free woman again.”

 

We all know that there’s no such thing as a free woman in Meyerland, but whatevs. Everyone at in Bella’s class is freaking out about their last year in high school. Except for Alice and Edward, of course, because lord knows how many times they’ve faked being high school kids for no damn reason. (+1 Stupidity)  Given that Edward has already gone to Dartmouth and Harvard and whatnot, I’m not entirely sure why he just hasn’t given up on high school altogether. (+1 Stupidity)

Wait a minute, haven’t I talked about this already? I’m sure I have.

Jesus, I think this book might actually be making me stupider.

Bella ruminates more on her newfound freedom, keeping Charlie’s request in mind. She offers to help Angela, a boring mortal that we haven’t heard from in nearly a full book, address graduation announcements, revealing that Charlie un-grounded her.

 

“Really?” Angela asked, mild excitement lighting her always-gentle brown eyes. “I thought you said you were in for life.”
 “I’m more surprised than you are. I was sure I would at least have finished high school before he set me free.” “Well, this is great, Bella! We’ll have to go out to celebrate.”

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What this chapter should be called: Run, Jacob! Run away!

Bella like-o-meter: 4

 

I hear this is the chapter that segues into Jacob’s involvement in this book, so let’s get going.

Chapter 5 begins at Bella’s job. That’s right folks, she has a job. See, Meyer is totally an advocate of women’s rights! Bella works at Newton’s, the sporting goods store that Mike’s family owns. Mike asks Bella if she wants to take off, seeing as there are only a few grizzled old backpacker types in the store.

 

“I don’t mind staying,” I said. I still hadn’t been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I’d taken cotton out of my ears.”

 

Boo fuckin’ hoo. (+1 Angst)

The old grizzled hikers start talking about this big bear-like animal one of them saw. Apparently it was big, black, and bigger than a grizzly. Why they just didn’t describe it as a big black grizzly? Nobody knows! Could this be foreshadowing I smell? I’ve got no idea why a werewolf would look like a bear, but whatever! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella drives home and explains – no. You know what? You get a quote.

 

“I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You’d think I’d get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself with screaming. Charlie didn’t come in to see what was wrong anymore, to make sure there was no intruder strangling me or something like that—he was used to it now.”

 

Now, let me translate this from bullshit to outraged, big girl English.

Bella wakes up screaming from night terrors every night for four months.

And the cop father just learns to ignore it.

Charlie learns to ignore the fact that, after finding his little girl alone and disoriented in the middle of the forest, she wakes up screaming every night.

WHAT THE FUCK???!??????!!!!!!!? (+2 Stupidity)

I may have been accused before of putting too much thought into this FUCKIN’ IDIOTIC BOOK,  but there is a difference between suspending my disbelief and TURNING MY BRAIN OFF ALTOGETHER. This would never happen. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.  Does this woman know ONE GODDAMN thing about realistic human behavior? GOOD GOD I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christ in a Delorean, Meyer must live under a fucking rock or something.

Bella describes her nightmare, which is basically just her alone in the woods, looking for Glitterdick, but she can’t find him because he’s not there. Yeesh.

 

“Only nothing. Just the endless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that the silence was an uncomfortable pressure against my eardrums. It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see. I hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, searching, getting more frantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed made me clumsy… Then there would come the point in my dream—and I could feel it coming now, but could never seem to wake myself up before it hit—when I couldn’t remember what it was that I was searching for. When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…”

 

Oh, dear Lord. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The mere thought of how hard her life is and how much she hurts  now that she’s been dumped by her abusive boyfriend makes her curl into the fetal position on her truck’s seat.  She stopped paying attention to where she was driving a long time ago, a trait that seems to also be common in Meyerland women. How she didn’t manage to total her truck beats me. (+1 Stupidity) Suddenly…wangst!

 

“The nightmare was nagging at my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain. I didn’t want to remember the forest. Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest.”

 

Bella rides around in her personalized wah-mbulance for a few more paragraphs that I honestly couldn’t force myself to read due to the teeming amounts of Bella narrating about how terrible it is that he left her. (+2 Angst)

Bella looks up into her rearview mirror and realizes that she looks like hell.

 

“I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different—my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that—if I were beautiful, and seen from a distance—I might even pass for a vampire now. But I was not beautiful, and I probably looked closer to a zombie.”

 

Sweet baby Jesus, where do I start? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

First off, Meyer really doesn’t know how people work, does she? One breakup does not define your whole life. BUT GUISE, you might say, U HAVE NEEEVVER BEEN IN LUV LYK THESE 2 HAVE! Bullshit, I say. If you base your life off of one bad breakup, you need help. Besides, I never actually got the impression they were in love in the first place. What did they love so much about each other? He was pretty, she smelled good. Sounds like lust to me, which is why it would have made a hell of a lot more sense if they just started fucking like jackrabbits.

But, Bella could almost pass for a vampire now! Right? RIGHT?! I COULD TOTALLY PASS FOR A VAMPIRE. MAYBE EDWARD WILL COME BACK AND LOVE ME AGAIN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. (+1 Stupidity)

This still doesn’t make sense, because I thought vampires were supposed to 1) be OMG sooo beautiful & hot and 2) sparkle in the light. So… what’s this crap about pale pasty skin and black circles ? How is looking like a dead chick hot? (+1 Stupidity)

She stops to think about how unfair it is that Edward made her promise not to hurt herself. She, like, totally shouldn’t have to follow through on that! At this point, anyone who has ever had depression and/or suicidal thoughts should be offended. Bella starts planning ways to be reckless.

 

“Who cared if I was reckless and stupid? There was no reason to avoid recklessness, no reason why I shouldn’t get to be stupid.”

 

And this is why Bella is a horrible character.

She automatically assumes that no one cares about her, when we’ve seen all evidence to the contrary. Think back to when she first arrived in Forks. The entire fuckin’ town was drooling over the awesomeness that is Bella! But Bella was stupid enough to ostracize herself from friends and family, so this whole problem is one of Bella’s own creation!

This wouldn’t be as big of a deal if some part of Bella’s character would acknowledge this! But instead, it’s constantly jackhammered into our skulls that Bella is a strong, selfless person, when SHE’S NOT! (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on, Bella finds herself parked in front of a house selling 2 beat-up motorcycles. Charlie thinks motorcycles are reckless and stupid, and Charlie doesn’t seem to give a crap about Bella’s well-being, so she immediately decides she’s buying a motorcycle as a means of indirectly killing herself. That’ll show Edward for leaving her. She asks the price, and is told to take them for free since they don’t run. But that’s okay!

 

“You know what? That’s okay. I know someone who builds cars.”

 

Gird yourself, Jacob. You’re Bella’s next emotional crutch.

Bella gets directions down to the Blacks’ place from Charlie (who demands to know what’s wrong as soon as he answers the phone. As if you care, Dad). Jacob is excited to see her. Also, he’s a six-foot-five sixteen year old. FRICK ON A STICK, this kid is huge.

 

“He laughed, his smile widening impossibly. “Six five,” he announced with self-satisfaction.”

 

This just goes to show Meyer lived under a rock her entire life, doesn’t it? Just so you get an idea of how idiotic this is, we’ll rewind to last book, where Jacob is described as being a few inches taller than Bella. Since Meyer is 5’4”, and Bella is Meyer, we’ll assume that Jacob was about 5’6’’ ish. That means Jacob grew a foot in about 6 months. I wonder how often he experienced horrible growing pains. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella comes in to say hi to Billy, then jets outside with Jacob. Bella gets Jacob alone in his garage and explains the sane part of the situation–she’s got broken motorcycles but don’t tell Charlie because that would create conflict and we can’t have that.

They chat a little, and I really remember how much I hate Bella.

 

“You missed it,” he teased, narrowing his eyes in mock resentment. “I’m sixteen.” “Not that your age ever stopped you before,” I muttered. “Sorry about your birthday.” “Don’t worry about it. I missed yours. What are you, forty?” I sniffed. “Close.” “We’ll have a joint party to make up for it.” “Sounds like a date.” His eyes sparkled at the word.”

 

Bella returns to her whoring ways just so she can string Jacob along a little more (+1 Bitch) when we all know that she’s going to dump him in the end because he’s not perfect and sparkly.

Here’s the hard part: I like Jacob. He’s sweet. He’s happy. He’s normal (for now). Bella is almost tolerable around him, because she’s not constantly whining about the gaping oozing squirting rotting throbbing hole in her chest. I like Jacob.

Really, that’s probably just going to fuck me over in the long run.

 

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +8

Angst: +3

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +56

Angst: +13

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +13

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1

What this chapter should be called: Paper cuts are apparently the natural enemies of vampires.

Edward creep-o-meter: 5, we’ll give him a fresh start.

 

Chapter one is basically a recap chapter, attempting to sum up the glory of Twilight in about 30 pages. We’ve been there, done that, but I’m still going to recap the recap. (If anyone, ANYONE, makes an Inception joke, I swear to God, I WILL END YOU.)

Anyhoo, enter clumsily narrated dream sequence! Bella is dreaming that she’s looking at her dead grandma. Someone calls to Bella off-camera.

 

“I didn’t have to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere—know, and respond to, whether I was awake or asleep… or even dead, I’d bet. The voice I’d walk through fire for—or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for Edward.”

 

Or have his abominable undead baby. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella realizes that things aren’t quite right, and realizes that she’s looking at her reflection in the mirror.

 

“Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.”

 

Gack. (+1 Cream Count) Edward wishes Bella a happy birthday and she wakes up. We learn that, in fact, it is her birthday. There’s then thirty pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet. I could probably end the review right there and you would still know what was going on next chapter. But I won’t.

*sigh*

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