A Six-Sentence Summary:
Posts Tagged ‘Twilight’
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires
Fucks I give: There are no words
I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?
So very, very wrong.
“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”
Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.
Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves
Fucks I give: 2
Chapters left: 3
This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!
“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”
The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.
“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “
Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.
Tags: Alice Cullen, Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Erotic novel, Fail, Holy Plot-Device, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires
Fucks I give: -5
Chapters left: 4
We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.
“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”
Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
Tags: Angst, Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires
Fucks I give: -4
Chapters left: 5
The first part of this chapter is bland and boring. Bella arrives home and hears Edward playing her lullaby on the piano. This makes her want to cry because, even though everyone else in the house seems so hopeful, Bella knows from her trip to Seattle that they’re all doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! (+1 Angst)
“Did you have a good time with Charlie today?” “Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won’t be much of an event, but . . .” I shrugged. Edward’s lips turned down. He quit playing and spun around on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “I hadn’t thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it—” “No,” I interrupted him. I flinched internally at the idea of trying to fake more enthusiasm than the bare minimum. “I just didn’t want to let it pass without giving her something.” “Do I get to see?” “If you want. It’s only a little thing.”
Bella feeds Edward a lie about how she popped out of Charlie’s to do some Christmas shopping for Renesmee — and then produces a little antique golden locket with “more than my own life” inscribed in French on it. (Dramatic much?)
“Emmett—on the sofa with Rose and holding the remote, of course—looked up and grinned in anticipation. “Excellent. The forest needs thinning.” Edward frowned at Emmett and then at me. “There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. “There’s no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and—” He cut me off. “Tomorrow.” And his expression was such that not even Emmett argued.”
I don’t know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn’t offer any explanation either. I’d understand if she had said, “Edward wouldn’t let me train with Emmett because he’s a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist.” But she doesn’t say that. She says nothing and does as she’s told. What a wonderful relationship these two have. (+1 Red Flag) (more…)