Posts Tagged ‘Marty-Stu’

What this chapter should be called: Bella wuz here
Edward creep-o-meter: 5

* Here’s the next chapter a little early to make up for stiffing you last week. *
Alright, so we’re back to your regularly scheduled pudding for this week. (Sorry. Rhyming everything really is fucking hard.) Bella is getting dressed (thrilling, huh?) and trying very hard not to think about marriage.

She is no longer wearing her engagement ring because of this. Or maybe the ring is just impossible to detect with the naked eye.


“Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.”


Pesky invisible rings. Those things are never worth the money. I’ve bought, like, three, and they keep getting lost in the pool.


“This shouldn’t bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn’t take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.”


Bella reminds us for the 15th time that weddings are really just not her cup of tea, so she’ll just have a shotgun wedding in Vegas. That way, she can wear her sweatpants with words on the ass, and when the Justice of Peace tells them to kiss, they can just fist-bump instead. Also, she’ll probably ditch her shirt, because that’s just too formal. She’s leaning towards a bikini top, or maybe just some tasteful pasties. Good Lord. As we all know, this whole marriage conundrum is entirely Bella’s self-created problem, so I don’t feel to bad for her. (+1 Bitch)


Once again, my pesky life has gotten in the way of my reviews. I couldn’t justify taking a huge, boring infodump on you, or just not updating at all, so here’s something short and sweet to tide you over until next time. I know there are Twitards to whom Bella is the very definition of a well-rounded character. Bullshit, I say. In an attempt to prove Bella’s utter Mary-Sueness. (For those of you who aren’t familiar with the nebulous Mary-Sue, I recommend reading this first.) I took this online test, placing myself in Meyer’s shoes. (It’s not as scary as it sounds.) The test I took was the Original Fiction Mary-Sue Litmus test, with the point scale being such:

0-10: The Anti-Sue

11-20: The Non-Sue

21-35: The Borderline Sue

36-55: The Mary Sue

56-70: The Über Sue

71 or more: The Super Sue

You wanna know what I got?


That’s right. Bella is beyond  Super Sue status. I even went back and did it again just to make sure I didn’t mess it up. Here’s the breakdown explaining my results. You don’t like them? Either 1. Take the test yourself and tell me your score or 2. Deal with it.


Part 1: The Name

I checked yes for:

1. Does the character have a name you really, really like?

Since Bella’s name quite literally means “beautiful swan” I’m going to have to go with yes on this one.

2. Does the character’s name describe her/his personality?

Bella is as beautiful as her name, she just is somehow oblivious to it. (Another common trait amongst Mary-Sues.)


Part 2: Appearance

I checked yes for:

1. Is the character highly attractive without having to work at it?

Yeah, she only had Nothing-Wrong-With-Mike, Eric, Tyler, Sparklepeen, and Wolfballs tripping over themselves for a spot in line.

2. Are one or more other characters attracted to her/him?


3. Even though they are involved with someone else?

I guess we could say that Mike is still attracted to Bella even when he’s with Jessica, so yeah.

4. Is an otherwise chaste or stoic character immediately attracted to her/him?

You’re kidding me, right? *coughDazzleNutscough*

5. Does the character dress in a manner you find particularly attractive, sexy, or cool?

More accurately, Bella dresses how Meyer would were she a skinny teen again. So yes.


Part 3: Character

I checked yes for:

1. Is the character of above average intelligence?

It was only hammered into our skulls how smart Bella was about a few hundred times.

2. Does the character have an angsty childhood, or an angsty past?

Uh, yeah.

3. And does she/he angst about it during the story?

Only all the time.

4. Does the character have angst in the present?

Check, check, and check.

5. Was the character born/raised in poverty?

Naw, those kindergarten teachers are totes loaded.

6. Does the character consider her/his beauty/talent/skill/etc. a curse?


7. Does the character collect things you consider intellectual or cultured?

Meyer’s already admitted Bella likes the things she does because Meyer thought they were classy.

8. Has the character ever fairly lost in any kind of duel, fight, or competition against someone of equal or lesser ability, where the winner was not the character’s rival?

I don’t think Super-Sue is capable of losing fights, period.

9. Does the character “just know things”?

Like completely guessing Sparklepeen’s power when it had never been mentioned before, then correctly guessing a very specific limitation to said power with no background knowledge? Doesn’t sound like Bella at all.

10. Does the character have a physical “flaw” that does not actually detract from her/his beauty (e.g. lips too full, white strip in hair, missing one toe, etc.)?

Let’s see: Skin too pale, eyes too brown, hair to shiny, scent too good…am I missing any?

11. Does the character remain in a committed relationship for the full duration of your story?

A commited, albeit abusive one, yes.

12. Does the character have a child or children for the greater part of your story?

Little miss demon spawn in book 4.

13. Does the character manage to avoid learning from major mistakes?

Do you even have to ask?

14. Does the character have very little or no empathy for other people?

If your name isn’t Edward, you may as well be dog shit.


Part 4: Work and Play

I checked yes for:

1. Does the character have any particular skill at which she/he the best or among the best?

Her super sparkle power is apparently TEH BEST EVARR!

2. And is she/he widely known for this skill?

Aforementioned super sparkle power, yes.

3. Does the character hold your job?

I can consider housewife a job, right?

4. Does the character hold your dream job?

Gorgeous millionaire housewife sounds about right for Meyer’s dream job.

5. Does the character possesses the following skills, with or without the aid of charms, spells, etc.):

a. Prophecy

Bella’s oddly plot-handy dreams, yes.

b. Invulnerability

When she becomes a Sparklepire, yes.

c. Power of seduction

I’ve heard she seduces a guy into making her some fake ID’s.

d. The ability to shrug off minor wounds

Part of the super sparkle power package.

e. The ability to kill people with her/his bare hands

Also part of the super sparkle power package

f. Super strength or speed


6. Does the character share more than one of your hobbies or interests?

Bella likes listening to classical music and reading romance novels, so does Meyer. What a coinkydink.

7. Does the character have the same taste in music as you have?

Debussy, anyone?

 Does the character have the same religious or spiritual beliefs as you?

Bella parrots some common Mormon beliefs, and we’ll leave it at that because I’d rather not go into that particularly touchy subject.


Part 5: Immortals

I checked yes for:

1. Is the character a vampire?

At the end, yes.

2. Is the character exceptionally powerful, even by the standards of her/his race?


3. Is the character exceptionally beautiful, even by the standards of her/his race?

I’ve heard descriptions of her new face get more screentime than Edward’s.


Part 6: High School

I checked yes for:

1. Is the character bullied for her/his sexual orientation, skin color, intelligence, poverty/wealth, looks, clothes, background, etc.?

Isn’t that why Lauren hangs around?

2. Is it because the bullies are jealous?

Pretty much.

3. Do the bullies eventually see the error of their ways, or else receive some form of retribution?

What did happen to Lauren’s hair?


Part 7: The Plot

I checked yes for:

1. Has everyone significant heard of the character?

In the movie, Bella’s arrival makes front page news on the school’s paper. Snort.

2. Do all of the important characters end up liking/respecting/fearing her/him?

Except for Lauren, and we all know what happened to her.

3. Did they all like/respect/fear her/him from the beginning?

Front page news, people.

4. Does the character fall in (reciprocated) love with, or have sex with, a character you would like to fall in love with or have sex with?

Since Edward is Meyer’s wet dream, and Bella is Meyer, yes.

5. Does the character die in her/his beloved’s arms?

After Bella’s C-section by teeth, she dies in Edward’s arms – then he chews on her a few times and she comes back.


Part 8: Your Character and You.

I checked yes for:

1. Did you base the character on your favorite previously existing character or person?

Meyer’s stated that Bella was influenced by characters in Jane Austen novels.

2. Is the character someone you would want to be friends with, assuming she/he would be receptive to friendship with you?

I think this one’s pretty safe to assume.

3. Would you be very surprised if someone did not like the character?

There was some interview or something where Meyer pretty much said that Bella was the most amazing likeable character in the history of characters.

4. Do you take any negative feedback about the character as a personal affront?

Meyer is incredibly notorious for throwing hissy fits when people criticize her characters.

5. Is the character a mouthpiece for your own beliefs or views?

Already gone into this.

6. Do you ever wish you could be like the character?

I’m almost certain Meyer wishes she was Bella.


Maybe in a while, I’ll take this test for Edward. I think I’ll be able to break 100.

What this chapter should be called: WHY, GOD, WHY?

Edward Creep-o-meter: I can’t even take him seriously enough to come up with a number.


Well, I’m back with part 2 of this duology of fail. Since the vicodin is flowing free and easy through my veins by this point, let’s go. Keep your snark phasers set to kill, people. Before I start snarking, however, I’d like to clear up the difference between thesaurus rape and cream count. Cream count is when the overly wordy sentences describe Edward’s fantabulous beauty, thesaurus rape is for all other occurrences.

Bella sees Sparklepeen in the sun for the first time.


“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut,
 though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, 
glittering like crystal.”


Dear Lord…the cream…the cream… (+2 Cream Count)


To be honest, I don’t even know where to turn here. The amount of fail present in these first few paragraphs is fucking incredible.

Bella sits there like a creeper and stares at Sparklepeen for several hours. (+1 Eye Rape)


Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…
hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.


Sanity meter: 82%

You’re all formally invited to my funeral. Feel free to use my death as the reason to ban Twilight. (+2 Cream Count)

After a few more paragraphs of Bella diving into the world of arm-stroking erotica and descriptions of Edward’s perfection (+1 Cream Count), we actually get some substance, or what this book calls substance.


“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent.”


I hereby dub Bella the, “Eye Psychic” because she seems to be able to tell a lot more from a person’s eyes than humanly possible.

Bella drones on about how amazing Sparklepeen is and how her life now revolves around having a boyfriend, and oh my God, this proves my entire point about how big a douchesilo Edward is.


“I don’t want you to be afraid.” His voice was just a soft murmur.”



So ALL  that crap about Edward being dangerous just FLEW OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW, did it? “Oh, Bella, I’m dangerous, stay away Bella, I can’t allow myself to be near you.” Was that all a fucking joke? He STALKS HER ACROSS TOWNS, THREATENS HER, AND NOW SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE AFRAID?  God! Continuity, Meyer, continuity! Lord, this makes me want to bludgeon small children to death with a puppy.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths…………………………..

Bella breathes in his chloroform breath, and Edward runs away. This next part totally gets me. Get ready, because this is a long one. You just need to read this all to fully understand the stupidity of this book.


“As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly.
 He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow. 
And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone.
 “As if you could fight me off,” he said gently.
 I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been. I’d never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He’d never been less human… or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.
 His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness.
 “Don’t be afraid,”…”


I’ll get this out of the way, shall I?  (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you understand how amazing this whole passage is? It completely validates everything I’ve been saying about Edward. He totally demonstrates that he is a danger, then turns right around and tells Bella not to be afraid. (+1 Red Flag) Even after all the warnings he gave Bella, he decides to go against them in the end and do whatever the hell will give him the slightest chance of boob. How do people claim that this book is the end all be all of romance, when Edward is a clearly a selfish douche who doesn’t give a damn about the safety of his family or girlfriend? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella isn’t the only Mary-Sue in this book. Edward sets off my Marty-Stu sirens every single time. The man simply has no flaws. I know I know, “But Kate, you call Edward selfish all the time, so how can you say he has no flaws?” I can say that because none of his “flaws” are played off as such. Instead of taking the time to give Edward some depth, Meyer decides to focus on his looks rather than his personality. Flaws in this book only exist to make the characters more perfect.

After some meaningless crap that, honestly, I just skimmed over, Edward compares his preference to Bella to a heroin addict’s favorite brand. (Remember: drugs are cool, Edward said so.)

Sparklepeen crosses the TMI line by explaining exactly how close he’d come to murdering Bella when they first met.


“It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —” He stopped 
abruptly, looking away.”


He’s not exactly helping his case here, is he? He openly admits the enormity of his struggle to resist killing Bella. Any sane person would take the … can this even be called a hint? It’s not like any effort is really being made to disguise the meaning of his words. He’s saying, point blank, that he feels the urge to kill her. What more does any rational thinking person need to be convinced that perhaps going out with him is a bad idea?

This brings up another problem I have with this damn book. Why are these vampire teens going to school, surrounded by exactly what they’re trying to resist? Hell, it’s like hiring a recovering alcoholic to work in a liquor store. This whole setup just screams of disaster. I mean, what if Eddykins had just been having a bad day when he met Bella? (I guess his ability to give large amounts of people amnesia would help.)

And what about Jasper, the vamp so green even a papercut sends him into a frenzy? That’s an awfully large risk to take. The more I think about this the dumber it gets. What happens when a kid has an accident and cuts himself? Scrapes his knees in gym? Now that I think about it, has a male vamp ever had a strong urge to drink the blood of a male human in these books, or vice versa? I’m curious about that. If not, then why the hell not? Unless blood drinking is supposed to be an allegory for sex, gender shouldn’t matter. But hey. Drop a comment if you have any thoughts on this.

While I’m on this topic, there are plenty of girls bleeding out the hoo-ha on any given day. Wouldn’t this pose a serious danger? I’ll give Meyer some credit, because she gave us the “dead blood” explanation, which, by the way, is complete bullshit. There are still plenty of opportunities for students to be walking around bloody. Accidents, fights, injuries, all of which can and do happen in high school.

Why even send them to school anyway? It’s not like they need the education. Have they not heard of home schooling? That would allow them to live their lives with far less risk to their secrets. “But if Edward didn’t go to school, there’d be no book!” you might say. Bullshit. A competent writer can get around that with just a little application of effort and imagination. Wait, that requires that the writer be competent, put actual effort into her work, and have imagination. Yeah, definitely not Meyer.

Damn, how off topic am I? Getting back on topic here.


“To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.”


Strangely mirroring how I feel about Bella, Edward, and Meyer.


“The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day.”


So you don’t even need there to be blood to be tempted. See, this is why it’s totally stupid to have the Cullens attend school. To me, this is as much of a good idea as it is to hire a man named Mr. Badtouch to privately tutor your seven year old. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what’s really sad? In the hands of a better writer, this situation could truly be compelling. If the characters were more developed (meaning, at all), Bella’s attraction for a vampire who wants to drink her blood could work as a plot point. The reason why it doesn’t work for Twilight when similar plots have worked in other stories is because the situations here are contrived. The characters don’t behave like people as much as puppets going through the motions and reciting dialog.

This is just another case of Meyer cutting corners. She wants so much to get straight to the perfect sparkly romance that having her characters act like actual people would be too time consuming for her to do. As a consequence, she just has them say or do whatever’s needed to get straight to the Edward body worship, leaving things like character development and, y’know, an actual story on the cutting room floor. As a consequence of this, Bella and Edward rush into a relationship (I use the word lightly) even though it makes no fricking sense. The way it is now, Bella is a moron for essentially dating a man with a predisposition towards murder (namely hers) and Edward is beyond selfish for pursuing Bella despite the whole wanting to kill her thing.

I don’t think the meadow scene should be happening now. It should happen later, after the characters have undergone some development and after Bella and Edward have some actual chemistry. Right now we have what’s supposed to be a significant and highly romantic moment between two people whose sole common link is that they happen to own the same CD. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer a couple to have progressed a little further than that before they begin casually risking death (or murder) and expressing their unconditional love.

Hell, even the “lion and the lamb” line would work if it was established as some kind of in-joke during the course of their character development.

Hoo boy, do I know how to get off topic or what? Back to the crapfest.


“In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone.”


Sanity meter: 67%

Who the hell finds this attractive? That’s like going out and having your date tell you exactly how he planned to murder you. (+1 Stupidity)

You know what the real crime in this book is? That nothing is ever done with Edward’s bloodlust. Edward goes on and on about how ‘dangerous’ he is, but we never actually see anything, because that would take competence. Any sort of conflict in this book is thrown out the window to make room for perfect sparkly descriptions of Edward.

Speaking of which:


“His golden eyes 
scorched from under his lashes, hypnotic and deadly.”


*sigh* Flip open a dictionary, Meyer. I promise it won’t kill you. (+1 Thesaurus/Eye Rape) The word “scorch” denotes an object being affected by heat, being either destroyed, shriveled, or in some other way altered. It can also denote criticism or sarcasm, like how this blog scorches the shitty Twilight book.

Meyer/Bella describe Edward’s eyes as, “hypnotic and deadly” giving off the definite vibe that we’re supposed to find Edward sexy, because being told by a whiny pale brat the exact method in which he’d planned to murder you is such a turn on.(+1 Stupidity)Meyer is trying really hard to give Edward a bad boy image. Oooh, he’s so brooding and dangerous, but that’s okay because of course YOU can heal him. Remember, kiddies, all girls want bad boys.


Edward: You have no idea how close I came to killing you.

Bella: Oh, Edward, tell me more!

Edward: I would have lured you away to someplace private.

Bella: And I would have went!

Edward: I would then have torn open your throat and lapped up the blood. Since Meyer was too dumb to give us fangs, it’s not very easy for us to get at the blood, so it would have been quite messy.

Bella: Yes! Oh yes!

Edward: Then I would have violated your dead body repeatedly until I got bored with it.

Bella: Don’t stop!

Edward: I would have then hacked up your remains and burned them to dispose of the evidence.


Edward: Did… did you just have one?

Bella: I didn’t say stop, Edward! What would you have done with my ashes?

Edward: Um … you are WAY more into this than I thought you’d be.

Bella: Threatening my life only makes you more mysterious and sexy!


Sparklepeen elaborates on how he almost killed her and the secretary in the office. People find this romantic HOW?

Having properly adjusted Edward’s emo levels, (+1 Angst) Meyer grabs melodrama right by the throat and starts choking the life out of the poor thing. She describes how Sparkles fled the state, and how devastating it would have been to his family if he had chosen to tell them. I’ve watched soap operas better than this. Apparently a combo of guilt, shame, and homesickness made Sparkles come back.

You know what’s doubly sad? Edward’s trip to Alaska has been the closest thing to character development in this book so far. Meyer, you fail at writing.


Sanity meter: 55%


“It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your
reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in

Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I
couldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating.” He frowned at the


Jeez, can we just lay off Jessica? Now her very thoughts are being criticized? And why does Sparklepeen even need to listen to Jessica anyway? Doesn’t he have super hearing or something? Yes, he does, it was mentioned last chapter, so why does he need to listen to Jessica’s mind? Am I missing something here? (+1 Stupidity)

And then the stalking begins. He could have just left Bella alone and avoided her, but Bella-Sue is so ZOMFG fascinating he just couldn’t resist. He wished he could read her thoughts, but seeing as her thoughts at the time were along the lines of, “I hate Forks; everyone here sucks for being nice to me, I hate Forks; these boys are so annoying for liking me, I hate Forks; it’s too cold and too wet. WAAAH! I HATE FORKS!” I really doubt Edward would have been too impressed with what he saw. I’m starting to think that Edward CAN read her mind, the bitch just doesn’t have much going on upstairs.

Since Sparklepeen is determined to recap everything that’s happened, he reaches where the book should have ended the van incident. Bella eats it all up, completely falling for the dangerous=sexy idea. I bet this is supposed to make Bella look selfless, but it really just highlights how stupid and selfish she is. After hearing all of that she is stupid for not being concerned for her own life. Also, it’s selfish for her to insist on staying with him knowing how much pain her very presence causes him. Granted he would just keep stalking her, but a true show of selfless compassion would be a willingness to let him go in order to keep him from suffering. Even if that didn’t pan out, the mere willingness to let him go for his own sake would be placing the happiness of the one she supposedly loves over her own selfish wants.

You know what I don’t get? Why people call the characters in this book, “selfless” when all we ever hear from either of them is, “me, me, me.”


Bella: Even though my being near you causes you intense discomfort, I will still follow you everywhere, even though dating you is like dating a paroled murderer, because having a hot boyfriend is the meaning of my life!

Edward: Even though my being near you could potentially result in your tragic and gruesome death, I’m still going to stalk you between towns because you smell pretty, even though going out with you would be like dating a cheeseburger.


Can’t you just smell the twu wuv? (+1 Stupidity)

Concern about the other is only given a moment’s lip service by Edward and his “warnings”(This book greatly defines my need for a sarcasm font.) until he basically goes “oh, I’m bored now” and throws that out the window. This story isn’t about love as much as it is about instant gratification and wish fulfillment. I suppose that’s why it’s so popular. It says “you too can have a hot guy fall in love with you instantly, because you’re just that special.” It takes out all those bothersome things like compatibility, communication, and compromise, and it promises that you can have your cake (Cheeseburger?) and eat it too.

Unfortunately, real love doesn’t work that way.

Edward moves on to the hospital scene, and this next part just blows me away. He describes the fight he had with his family.


“I fought with Rosalie,
Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we’ve ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice.” He grimaced when he said her name. I couldn’t imagine why. “Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay.” He shook his head indulgently.


Do you understand the mind-melting hypocrisy of this quote? Aren’t the Cullens supposed to be the righteous and selfless good guys? Isn’t it their vow to not eat humans that they believe separates them from monstrous vampires? That we see ANY of them actually advocating the killing of Bella proves how full of shit they are. At least in the case of Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper, they’re only good non-people eaters whenever it’s convenient for them. Esme is also guilty for giving Edward the green light to do whatever he wants in this situation. I’m particularly surprised by Emmett, considering what we just learned about him. He’s obviously learned nothing from either Carlisle or those two times he “fell off the wagon.” I guess this just shows which of the Cullens will stick to there guns when the going gets tough.

Edward describes how he eavesdropped on Bella after the hospital incident. He says it would have been better if he had killed her in public rather than in the meadow, where there’s no one to stop him.

That is not creepy at all. (+1 Red Flag)


“I was human enough to have to ask. “Why?”




Edward professes his undying love for Bella, but Bella, determined not to be out-hammed by Sparklepeen, Bella gives a mercifully short declaration of her feelings.


“You already know how I feel, of course,” I finally said. “I’m here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.”


What an idiot.


I frowned. “I’m an idiot.”


Indeed, Bella. Indeed.


“You are an idiot,” he agreed with a laugh.”


Well, finally, we all agree on something.

Why do I feel it’s a little too soon to be playing the, “I’d die for you” card? When a character reaches a point where she would literally die for the one she loves it is usually after they’d spent a significant amount of time together, endured trial and hardship, got to see each other’s flaws and still loved each other; saw each other at their most broken and defeated, and gave of themselves to help each other through. Bella and Edward are on what technically could be considered their first date, and their most personal conversation was about Bella’s favorite color.

This is why Meyer fails. The entire situation is too unbelievable. Bella and Sparklepeen are not deeply emotionally connected. They like each other completely based on physical attributes, which is a fine way to start a relationship, but it’s not fine to call it love. The most we’ve seen is lust, which is why it would make a helluva lot more sense if they just started fucking like jackrabbits.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.”


What the fuck?


Even though I’ve heard hundreds of rabids quote this line, I imagined it would at least sound slightly better in context, but this is just bad. This is the kind of stuff they read prisoners at Guantanamo to break their minds.


“What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.

”What a sick, masochistic lion.”


Sanity meter: 43%


This makes no sense and proves Meyer has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Alternatively, she means that Edward derives gratification from resisting his vampire urges? If so, then that kind of robs this situation of any of the drama Meyer tries and fails to create. You may be thinking, “It’s masochism because he stays with Bella even though she causes him pain!” No! Masochism is pleasure from pain and/or humiliation. For Edward’s behavior to be masochistic, he’d have to pursue Bella BECAUSE he gets a high off of the emotional pain rather than in spite of it. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella pretty much asks how she can do to make things easier for Edward.


“I’ll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn’t do.”


Does anyone else think that having to learn from your boyfriend how to keep yourself from ending up in a ditch just MIGHT be a bad sign? (+1 Red Flag)


“But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you.”


You can cut your hair to better expose your neck and inflict a fresh cut every hour. That would help me tremendously.


“Well…” He contemplated for a moment. “It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness… I wasn’t expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat.” He stopped short, looking to see if he’d upset me.


Since everything with a vagina has been eye humping Eddykins shamelessly, I can only assume repelled means attracted in Meyerland. Consistency FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

If that wasn’t weird enough for you, now Edward decides to on his boob inspector hat, and puts his head on Bella’s chest, getting quite a view of the twins. He decides he likes one boob more than the other, and shifts his face to look at it.


“His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
 Listening to my heart.


Sentence. Fragment. Detected. (+1 Stupidity)

In a pretty awkward scene, Edward sizes up the girls, places his hands on Bella’s shoulders, and motorboats her.

Okay, it didn’t happen, but it would have been funny if it did.

I have the best idea.


“Was that very hard for you?”
 “Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?”


Every time we run across a phrase that looks like it belongs in an erotic novel, take a shot. You’ll be plastered in record time.


“No, it wasn’t bad… for me.”


Take a shot. Edward places Bella’s hand on his cheek to show OMFG heat transfers!  (+1 Stupidity)


“Do you feel how warm it is?”


Sanity meter: 37%


Um, question. If his skin can be warmed by skin-to-skin heat transfer, then how is it that he is constantly cold to the point where touching Bella can give her frostbite (chapter 11)? Meyer is a real pro at consistency, isn’t she? (+1 Stupidity) And another shot.


“But I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something 

I’d dreamed of constantly since the first day I’d seen him.”


Lines like these make me consider just throwing in the towel right now.

Bella strokes Edward’s face, what I assume is the face-touching equivalent of a blowjob. In a paragraph so cheesy there aren’t enough Frenchmen in the world to consume it, Bella describes Edward as “perfect” and “flawless”, (+1 Cream Count) while resisting the urge to inhale his chloroform breath. (+1 Eye Rape)

Edward goes all emo on us…again.


“I wish,” he whispered, “I wish you could feel the… complexity… the confusion… I feel. That you could understand.”


I wish I could understand these complex feelings too, because this book seems to have none. He’s pretty and she smells good. What’s so complex about that? (+1 Stupidity)

More cheeseball dialogue, and Bella imitates Edward by putting her head on his chest.


“In a very human gesture, he put his arms around me and pressed his face against my hair.”


That’s complete bullshit, seeing as Sparklepeen has never actually demonstrated any alien attributes.

Meyer’s problem is that she completely relies on informed attributes. The use of such is especially bad because she just pulls new character attributes out of her ass whenever it’s needed. Example: it’s like, “In this chapter Lauren is upset because Bella spends time with the Cullens. Now in this chapter she’s mad because Tyler’s attracted to her. Why? Because it’s convenient.” Competent writing FTW!


“You have to go.” 

”I thought you couldn’t read my mind.” 

”It’s getting clearer.” I could hear a smile in his voice.”


So Meyer basically stole away just what made Bella, “special”. Whoo boy, competence sure is important, isn’t it? (+1 Stupidity)


“Can I show you something?” he asked, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes.


NO NO NO NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO! (Take a shot. Do you feel the room spinning yet?)


“I’ll show you how I travel in the forest.”


Oh, Lord, for a minute there, I thought he was going to show her his penis.

Bella asks if Edward will turn into a bat, and Meyer uses her jackhammer named, “Originality” to drill it into us that her vampires are different. Like we didn’t realize that already.


“Come on, little coward, climb on my back.”


Edward: Come on, get on my back, and make sure you’re wearing that strap-on dildo I gave you. You’re not Emmett, but with a little practice, you’ll do just fine!

Bella: I knew I should have dated Mike.


Bella is nervous, so Edward calmly assures her that all is well, and gives her a minute to act of her own initiative. That is exactly what doesn’t happen. Edward slings her on to his back like a child, and takes off. YOU WILL DO AS EDWARD CULLEN COMMANDS, YOU PUNY HUMAN!

And he starts running with AMAZING MEYERPIRE SPEED!


“He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet…”


Soooo…he flew through the forest in a straight trajectory,  until he either hit something or ran out of momentum? (+1 Stupidity)


“…like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth.


How considerate of him to slow down enough for Bella to check whether or not he left footprints. And if Edward is moving that fast, Bella should be able to hear a considerate amount of air rushing past her ears. (+1 Stupidity)


“His breathing never changed, never indicated any 


Once again, Meyer tries to shove her dildo named, “Edward is super special awesome sexy! Squeee!” down my throat, and fails remarkably. Take another shot, plus a penalty shot if you forgot about the game.


“But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.


Very safe indeed. I assume we can add x-ray vision to Edward’s growing list of superpowers. Next thing we know, the guy’ll be popping adamantium claws out of his knuckles.

I really hope Bella isn’t prone to motion sickness.


“I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them.”


Ah, the rushing air that she somehow can’t hear. (+1 Stupidity)


“I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight.”


Have you ever flown in an airplane before, Meyer? Unless she means a very small craft that can’t go very high or fast, windows on an airplane don’t open, and for a very good reason. If a window on, say, a 747, were opened,  the cabin would depressurize, sucking everything that wasn’t bolted down out the window, leaving you with lots of unhappy and potentially dead people. I think it’s safe to assume, that at this point, I’ve actually put more thought into this book than the actual author.


“And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.


Yeah, that high-speed run was a fantastic idea, wasn’t it?

Apparently they reach the truck in minutes, even though they spent “hours” hiking to the meadow. Okay, let’s think about this. Since Meyer’s incredibly vague, I’m gonna assume they walked at a normal pace for 2 hours. Now, the average walking speed is about 3 mph, so we’ll assume they walked a total of six miles, give or take some. But, Sparklepeen is able to run back in minutes. For convenience’s sake, I’ll say it took him 6 minutes. That’s 1 mile per minute, meaning he was traveling at about 60mph. I guess one of Edward’s other powers is to transform into a blue hedgehog.

Don’t get me wrong, this is an approximation, so I won’t hold it against Meyer. My bullshit calculations were meant to give you an idea of how fast they were traveling, so you understand the complete stupidity behind the fact that he just took the girl who panics at his fast driving on a high speed run. It’s a fucking miracle she didn’t get whiplash considering the G-forces involved in Edward’s course corrections to avoid trees and whatnot.

I’m sure this is meant to make Edward look all impressive and shit, but the dude sparkles. He fucking sparkles.


Sanity meter: 26 %


“Exhilarating, isn’t it?” His voice was high, excited.


Take a shot.

Bella feels sick, and says she wants to lie down. Edward’s response? He laughs. Real winner we’ve got here. (+1 Red Flag)


“I guess that wasn’t the best idea,” he mused.”


Oh, really?!?


“Hah! You’re as white as a ghost — no, you’re as white as me!”


Because every girl just loves it when you kick them while they’re down. (+1 Red Flag)

I hope that maybe Edward will learn from his mistake and realize Bella+Meyerpire speed=sick.


“I think I should have closed my eyes.”
 “Remember that next time.”
 “Next time!” I groaned.
 He laughed, his mood still radiant.”


Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Take a shot.

Meyer gushes over Edward for a minute, and follows it up with him bragging about how running is so easy he doesn’t even have to think about it. Then they kiss, or rather he kisses her and then is surprised when she reciprocates. I just have to shake my head at this. Two people in twu wuv, expressing their unconditional and irrevocable love for each other, one expressing a casual willingness to die for the other, and they hadn’t even kissed yet. (+1 Stupidity)

I gather from the writing that Edward was testing to see if he’d murder her if he got too excited from their kissing. He has no trouble with it, reining in his bloodlust so neatly that we don’t even see a hint of it. For something that has been talked up so much as this huge, dangerous thing, it’s a surprising non-factor here. From what I see in this book so far, the vampire bloodlust only exists to supply Edward with angst so that Bella and Edward’s “relationship” can be made out to be this forbidden and dangerous thing. The problem is that we’re not dealing with actual danger, but rather the promise of danger.


“Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.”


Two shots.

Meyer goes on to gush about Edward’s “seraphic” face, and how it would cause Bella physical pain to be separated from him. I think a little of my lunch just came up there. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward suggests that maybe he should drive. Bella says no.


“”I can drive better than you on your best day,” he teased. “You have much slower reflexes.”


What a douchesilo.


“I’m sure that’s true, but I don’t think my nerves, or my truck, could take it.”


A very valid point. Since Bella is already sick from being tossed around on Edward’s back, it might make her feel better.


“He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.


HOW DARE A PATHETIC HOO-MAN NOT DO EXACTLY AS I COMMAND? Seriously folks, are you aware of how fucked up this is? Edward fully expects to get exactly what he wants in this “relationship,” so much so that Bella saying no to him is a source of disbelief. He literally cannot believe that she told him no. God, I hate this book. (+1 Red Flag)

Edward calmly agrees to let her drive, but insists she sit for a minute so that she can drive when she feels up to it.

Oh whoops, that is exactly what does not happen.

The brat demands he get his way, and says he can’t let her drive drunk.


“You’re intoxicated by my very presence.” He was grinning that playful smirk again.


How do you grin a smirk? What’s next, will Edward laugh a chuckle? (+1 Stupidity)


“There was no way around it; I couldn’t resist him in anything.”


Sanity meter: 9%


Christ on a carousel, sentences like these make me want to pull my hair out. How do people not see what is wrong with this whole relationship?

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Bella is so weak-willed that she can’t say no to Edward, even over something as relatively minor as this, or the fact that THIS is what girls are trumpeting as one of the greatest romances in recent history. As I pointed out in previous chapters, namely chapter ten, Bella lets Edward get away with a ton of shit. He belittles her, condescends to her, threatens her (Parking lot incident, anyone?), ignores her wishes, emotionally manipulates her, stalks her, and breaks into her house without her knowledge (though I’ll let that last one slide for now since she doesn’t know it yet). Generally he is a reckless jerk who is convinced that HE knows what’s best for Bella without any input from her and insists that she WILL do what HE wants whether she likes it or not. All of this while knowing her for all of … gee, how long has it been so far? Weeks?

He is a control freak, a manipulator, and a hypocrite. She puts up with all of this, and why? Because he’s pretty. Because he is physically attractive he can do no wrong. This behavior is not even restricted to the characters in the book; the fans themselves will defend Edward to the death for similar, if not the same, reasons. What irritates me is when they chime in “he does it for her own good, he loves her, he means well so it’s okay.”

No. No it is not.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, folks. It does not matter if he genuinely means well, though whether or not he does is debatable. If you were locked in a room and told you could never leave, would it matter if the furniture was nice and you were fed well? No. Regardless of the conditions you would still be a prisoner. To use another phrase, a gilded cage is still a cage, and that’s exactly what Edward is, a gilded cage. They both look nice and shiny, but they keep you prisoner all the same. Does it matter if you’re locked in because your jailer thinks that’s what’s best for you? No. What I find truly disturbing is how close the “good intentions” argument comes to the testimony of some abused women who actually defend their assailants. “He only hits me because he loves me!” Ugh!

Even if you’re honestly psychotic enough to beat your spouse, it’s still not okay. Edward’s behavior can’t be excused just because he means well.

You know what? I’m willing to bet if Edward weren’t super smexy awesome, he wouldn’t get away with half this shit.


“I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly.”


Damn it to hell, why does every little sentence that describes Edward sound like a scene from 300? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Regardless,” he finally murmured, “I have better reflexes.”


Sanity meter: 0%

Bottoms up, my friends.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +18

Angst: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +3

Cream Count: +7

Red Flag: +6


Total Count:

Stupidity: +150

Angst: +21

Bitch: +61

Thesaurus Rape: +47

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +21

Red Flag: +34

Redemption: +6

What this chapter should be called: Nothing Fucking Happens


Bella’s next day is apparently better and worse. Better because it isn’t raining and worse because- dun dada dun!! Edward isn’t at school. Seriously, what is her problem with this guy?  So, he didn’t go out of his way to treat you like a princess like the rest of the fricking school. Big deal. Bella walks us through her entire day up to Biology:


“Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.”


So people can’t be nice or ‘mean’ to you? (+1 Bitch) Let me point out that the first week at a new high school is usually hell on earth for most teenagers, and Mike has totally gone out of his way to help you and you call him a dog? What’s wrong with Mike?

While Bella plots ways to get rid of nothing-wrong-with Mike, Edward doesn’t turn up for class, and this makes Bella a saaad panda. (+1 Angst) Of course, Super-Speshul Bella must be the reason why he isn’t there!


“But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there.”


Bella goes to gym and tells us all about how awful it was. Meyer, have you ever heard of, “show, don’t tell”? From the way you write, I guess not. Meyer’s always telling us how clumsy Bella is instead of showing us. Take her to gym class and make her fall down, for Chrissakes! Once again, I will reference Harry Potter to preserve my fragile sanity. Rowling doesn’t just tell us that Harry is good at Quidditch, she takes him on the field and makes him play!


“Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dish rags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here. No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.”


Because all that matters is looks! Personality or intelligence totally doesn’t matter! Plus, I don’t like the excessive descriptions. Yes, I know it’s not that bad, but we’ve already established the fact that they’re hot and their clothes don’t really give anything to the story. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

So Bella goes grocery shopping and something that bothers me happens.


“I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay.”


The man has been feeding himself for 14 years, I’m pretty sure he can cook something besides eggs and bacon. Plus, why do you need to cook? I have two theories on this:

1.She doesn’t want Charlie to do anything for her because she dislikes him for totally unspecified reasons.

2. She is a woman, so therefore Meyer feels she belongs in the kitchen.

Super fun prediction time! Which reason do you think is right and which one do you think Meyer wants us to believe? So Bella starts making steak and potatoes, and then changes clothes and settles down to email her mother. After a completely pointless exchange, (does anyone else notice that Meyer shows the things she should tell and tells the things she should show?) she goes back down to cook and blah, blah, blah, I don’t give a fuck.

Later, Charlie asks Bella how school is going. What a kind, caring father, don’t you think? What’s that? You do? Well, shut up, because Bella sure doesn’t, and who’s to disagree with Bella-Sue? Not I, that’s for sure, *eye roll*

Sure enough, Bella works in a way to mention the Cullens.


“Charlie surprised me by looking angry. “People in this town, ” he muttered. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here, ” he continued, getting louder. “We’re lucky to have him — lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He’s an asset to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite. I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they’re all very mature — I haven’t had one speck of trouble from any of them. That’s more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend… Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk. ”


Why do I feel like Charlie just turned into a giant megaphone for Meyer to emphasize how great the Cullens are? You think he would have mentioned them before if he really thinks they’re that great. (+1 Stupidity)

I didn’t really read the next part, but Bella rambles on about being forced to play volleyball and- sound the trumpets- Edward is still gone from school.


“I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.”


Painful as it sounds, I put myself in Bella’s shoes for a minute. If I started at a new school where everyone was nice to me and one random dude seems a little indifferent and then leaves, I just don’t give a fuck. I’m too busy with my new friends.

So Bella walks out of class with nothing-wrong-with Mike and it starts snowing. Snowballs are thrown, snowmen are made, yadda yadda yadda. Bella goes to lunch, and guess what? Edward’s back! Maybe something interesting will actually happen now!

I’m honestly just considering throwing in the towel right now, but I have made up my mind to read this book, and goddammit, I will read it!  Bella ignores her new friends and gets back to eye-humping the Cullens. Meanwhile, nothing-wrong-with-Mike plans a snow fight to end all snow fights in the parking lot after school.


“Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”


It’s wrong for Jessica to have her crush but you can eye-hump Eddie all you want? (+1 Bitch) Bella goes to Biology, and you have no idea how fucking grateful I am for a chance at some character development.

Game faces on, folks!


“Hello, ” said a quiet, musical voice. I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful. “My name is Edward Cullen, ” he continued. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan. ”


First off, let’s make it clear I will be awarding thesaurus rape points every time the word dazzle is used. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Cream Count)

Second, what the fuck?

If Bella feels sincerely hurt by Edward’s actions (I rather doubt it) she wouldn’t be having one every five seconds. (+1 Stupidity)People don’t just forget being hurt by a person. I’m also a little confused about the message this sends. Gents, if you want a girl to think about you, just act like you’re deathly allergic to her and disappear for a week! You’ll be the only thing on her mind! *big eye roll*

So Bella and Edward get to do a biology lab together.


Jesus, I wanted some character development, not another excuse to make Bella look like a speshul snowflake. Of course, our little Mary-Sue has already done this lab! She looks at the first slide, and Edward catches her hand and asks to see it. Guess what?


“His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.”


But wait, it gets better.


“When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.”


Here’s a fun-fun activity for you: Stick your hand in a freezer for five minutes. Touch someone of the opposite gender, preferably someone who is attracted to you. Did they feel something comparable to electric shock? (+1 Stupidity)

Of course, it’s possible Eddie just really likes walking around in his socks.

Bella and Edward compare slides to identify stages of mitosis, competing to see who can get the most right. Is this what passes for witty banter these days?


“I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.”


Even this dude’s handwriting is pretty… and my Marty Stu siren just started blaring.

Bella and Edward (If I have to refer to both of them, I think I’ll just call them Bedward from now on) exchange meaningless small talk until Edward hits jackpot:


“Why did you come here, then?”



Yes! Now Meyer will finally tell us why Bella left Mom and Boyfriend!  A good writer would give Bella a strong reason to leave. Did Phil hit her behind Mom’s back? Abuse her? Is he a druggie? Alcoholic? Angry Birds addict? Does he hide illegals in Mom’s spare bedroom? Sell cocaine? Member of the Mafia? Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat here.


“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living. ”


I just died a little inside.

Honestly, Meyer? You couldn’t have given us a real reason? He travels a lot? Is that the best you can come up with? I wanted something that would give Bella a reason as to why she was so angsty and ARGGGGH I’m going to beat my head against my wall.


Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!


Note to self: fix dent in wall.


All right, all better now. Let’s continue.


“You put on a good show, ” he said slowly. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see. ”


Fuck you, Edward. She hasn’t suffered at all. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks Bella if he’s being annoying. I hope she says yes, cause he’s annoying me.


” Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book. ”


Let’s face it, Edward is being a tad annoying. But Bella shoulders the blame. I have an odd feeling that this is going to set the precedent for their relationship. (Meyer, if the first hundred pages of your novel rely on suspense, don’t slap, “and I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” on the back.)


So the bell rings and Edward GTFOs.


“Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.”


Will you just lay off nothing-wrong-with Mike for a minute? I highly doubt he actually skipped. (+1 Bitch/Thesaurus Rape) Nothing-wrong-with Mike seems interested in Edward’s behavior, and this seems justified. If the Cullens never have paid any attention to the other students, Edward actually seeming interested in Bella is an odd thing. Not to Bella, though.


What Mike says: Wow, Edward was really friendly to you. How strange. He’s never like that.



“I couldn’t concentrate on Mike’s chatter as we walked to Gym, and PE.”


What, you’re too special to even listen to the dude now? (+1 Bitch)Bella gets into her car when school’s out and goes home.


“I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.”


I want to kill myself.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +4

Angst: +1

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +7

Bitch: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Cream Count: +1

Redemption: +1