Posts Tagged ‘Fail’

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
 
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
 
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
 
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
 
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
 
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
 
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
 
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.
What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4

 

We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.

 

 

“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”

 

 

Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
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What this chapter should be called: Bella Swan and the Case of the Obvious Plot Twist
Fucks I give: -3
Chapters I have left: 10

 

The first sentence of this chapter could have been the last sentence of this book, and I would have been okay with it.

 

“We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back.”

 

Yet, sadly, there are still many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The gist of this chapter is that Alice and Jasper ran away. It vaguely reminds me of when Snape killed Dumbledore and we all thought he was an evil guy. But us cool people knew that Snape was only acting evil, and was a good guy all along.

I think that might be the case here. Alice and Jasper have abandoned the Cullens (not that this is really a major loss. I think the Cullens will get by fine without Alice’s dumb predictions and Jasper’s talent at moving sideways.) to die by the Volturi’s hand. I’d bet, maybe not my soul, but a couple fingers and my leg hair, that Alice is taking on the Snape role here. She and Jasper look like cowardly cowards who cower now, but I think at the crucial moment, they’ll be back, toting along not-Juan the half-vampire expert to save the day.

Whatever. Back to the story. It’s two hours later and no one has moved.

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What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion

 

This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.

 

“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”

 

Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: Super Bella and Lullaby Lad
Fucks I give: 0

 

So, this chapter is all about Edward teaching Bella how to kill animals. It’s bloody, confusing, and I question Bedward’s parenting skills more with sentence. Once again, Renesmee is the topic of maybe three, four sentences. Then again, maybe leaving your child with an emotionally damaged, baby-wanting vampire lady and a 17-year-old baby dater is a good idea. Who am I to say that abandoning your three-day-old child to make out in the forest is wrong? (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. To avoid downstairs, Edward is trying to get Bella to jump out the window. Awesome.

 

“The window?” I asked, staring two stories down. I’d never really been afraid of heights per se, but being able to see all the details with such clarity made the prospect less appealing. The angles of the rocks below were sharper than I would have imagined them. Edward smiled. “It’s the most convenient exit. If you’re frightened, I can carry you.”

 

Bella then notices that she’s wearing a tightly-fitted cocktail dress and stilettos, courtesy of Alice. Why? Who the hell knows. I guess all chicks just appreciate waking up from a two-day nap dressed like a hooker. (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: New pain in the ass
Fucks I give: -3

I think it really says a lot about this chapter that the first page is spent on describing the beauty of dust.

Other than that, Bella is a shitty mother. Like, really terrible. She is so obsessed with her newfound beauty that it takes her five pages to even think about her daughter, who gets literally five sentences of mentioning. It’s like Renesmee is a new iPod rather than a baby. Bella would rather brush her hair and gaze into the mirror and make out with boys than worry about her daughter.

But back to that dust thing.

 

“I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance. The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my throat, swirling the motes into a vortex.”

 

Bella tries breathing, only to discover that she doesn’t really need to breathe, but it feel good so she does it anyway. She can hear rap music from the highway and smell the breath of everyone around her. Of course, it’s the most fantastic smell ever.

 

“I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine, bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.… I traded a dozen different comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.”

 

If the rest of the book is narrated like this, I’m going to have to kill myself. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella realizes that someone is holding her hand, but it’s the wrong temperature to be a vampire. Duh, Bella, you’re ice-cold now too. She does this cool backflip thing off the table, crouching against the wall in 1/16 of a second, proving that reality and all its trappings have no place in Meyerland. (+1 Stupidity)

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