Chapter 38: Power (Part 2)

Posted: November 6, 2013 in Twilight
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)

Because Aro can read minds and Alice needed to be secretive, okay, sure. If she had told Edward, “brother dearest, there’s a hybrid that I will find in another country and bring back to Washington,” and then Aro touched Edward (giggle), Aro would know Alice’s secret. But so what? It’s not like this was a surprise party. (+1 Stupidity) 

Literally nothing bad would have happened if Aro had known of Alice’s plan. In fact, it might have actually helped. Aro knows Alice is a powerful psychic (cough cough), and he would have wanted to learn more about these hybrids before making a rash decision. Aro is a villain, but he’s smart (kinda), and if another hybrid existed, he would want to study and learn about these creatures instead of murdering an entire coven of good vampires. (+1 Stupidity)

So all the hidden message, trips to the ghetto, and family abandonment issues was worthless. Completely worthless.

I hate Alice.

And here’s a fucking idea: Use a cell phone! Literally, the entire “conflict” of this book could have been solve in 30 minutes over the phone. Did I miss the page where it said, “oh, and vampires have an extra chromosome that makes them incapable of doing things that would make their pathetic lives easier”? (+1 Stupidity)
But perhaps the most outlandish thing about this is Alice’s impeccable timing. I know she can see the future and whatnot, but arriving precisely within the 30 seconds Aro is mulling over the verdict is too damn convenient. Why didn’t she show up earlier and prevent the big non-fight altogether? I suppose she might have got a flight with a long layover or something ( Jasper insists on using Kayak) so I can let that slide, maybe. But 30 seconds is a very tiny window. Had Alice stopped for a Tastee Freez or tripped over a rock or got distracted by a shiny object or something, the Cullens would have been completely, 100% murderfucked. So, good timing, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity) 
Moving on. The hybrid’s mother’s sister (not making it up, wish I was) begins to explain.

“I am Huilen,” the woman announced in clear but strangely accented English. As she continued, it was apparent she had prepared herself to tell this story, that she had practiced. It flowed like a well-known nursery rhyme. “A century and a half ago, I lived with my people, the Mapuche. My sister was Pire. Our parents named her after the snow on the mountains because of her fair skin. And she was very beautiful—too beautiful. She came to me one day in secret and told me of the angel that found her in the woods, that visited her by night. I warned her.” Huilen shook her head mournfully. “As if the bruises on her skin were not warning enough. I knew it was the Libishomen of our legends, but she would not listen. She was bewitched.”

Well, there’s a fail already. The Lobishomen, as it is properly called and we will refer to it as such, is a Brazilian myth. The Mapuche are the indigenous people of Chile and Argentina, and are therefore unlikely to have the same legends. South America is not just one country, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity) And of course the girl who banged the vampire is close to white. Typical. (Kinda off topic, but now I’m interested: are there any black vampires in these books? I know Laurent was black in the movie, but I don’t think he was depicted as so in the book.) Anywhore, Pire got knocked up by the “dark angel.” Though I’m not sure why she uses that term. I didn’t have time to do much digging, but according to the Wikipedia, the Mapuche people adapted Christianity to fit with their own beliefs, and my search on Mapuche religion certainly did not lead to any sort of angelic creature. But Meyer is Mormon, so all characters must parrot basic Judeo-Christian beliefs, even when it makes no goddamn sense. (+1 Stupidity) As with all research I do, feel free to elaborate or correct my egregious mistakes in the comments.
Carrying the baby isn’t easy for Pire. When it’s time for the baby to be born, she and Huilen sneak away deep into the tropical rainforest that doesn’t exist in southern Chile and Argentina (+1 Stupidity) to try to deliver it safely, and hopefully find the father.

“She searched for her demon angel but found nothing. I cared for her, hunted for her when her strength failed. She ate the animals raw, drinking their blood. I needed no more confirmation of what she carried in her womb. I hoped to save her life before I killed the monster. “But she loved the child inside her. She called him Nahuel, after the jungle cat, when he grew strong and broke her bones—and loved him still. “I could not save her. The child ripped his way free of her, and she died quickly, begging all the while that I would care for her Nahuel. Her dying wish—and I agreed.”


The baby killed the mother during the delivery, and then bit the sister, and now the sister is a full-blown vampire but the baby is a nice and kind fully-grown hybrid. This story drags on and on, because exactly what you want at the end of a four-volume book series is to listen to a previously unmentioned character explain things in wordy, convoluted detail while the main characters who you’ve been following for book after book stand around aimlessly. They teach you that in Story Telling 102. (Story Telling 101 involves tips on using psychic characters to move a lazy story forward, and Story Telling 103 deals with shape-shifters and how it’s totally cool to bring this up in the final few pages of a novel.) (+1 Stupidity) 

Aro moves forward to question Nahuel to see if the story stands. We learn a couple interesting things.

“Aro’s lips were pursed. He stared at the dark-skinned youth. “Nahuel, you are one hundred and fifty years old?” he questioned. “Give or take a decade,” he answered in a clear, beautifully warm voice. His accent was barely noticeable. “We don’t keep track.” “And you reached maturity at what age?” “About seven years after my birth, more or less, I was full grown.” “You have not changed since then?” Nahuel shrugged. “Not that I’ve noticed.” I felt a shudder tremble through Jacob’s body. I didn’t want to think about this yet. I would wait till the danger was past and I could concentrate. “And your diet?” Aro pressed, seeming interested in spite of himself. “Mostly blood, but some human food, too. I can survive on either.” “You were able to create an immortal?” As Aro gestured to Huilen, his voice was abruptly intense. I refocused on my shield; perhaps he was seeking a new excuse. “Yes, but none of the rest can.”

There are several things that bother me about this:
1. At some point in the near future, Jacob is going to have sex with a seven year old. (+1 Red Flag)
2. It doesn’t explain why hybrids need to mature fast. He just tells us what we already know. What’s the point? It’s like reading a mystery novel that ends with, “That man was murdered. Probably for some reason or another.” (+1 Stupidity) 
3. Not all hybrids are venomous, but this one is. That’s remarkably convenient. But if the other hybrids aren’t venomous, how do they have powers? A vampire’s powers come from the venom. This was explained in one of the books, right? So if Renesmee has no venom, where does the strength, intelligence, and agility come from? (Chromosomes, you stupid idiot. Have you learned nothing?) (+1 Stupidity)
4. And while we’re on the subject of things that bother me, what’s the deal with the were-shifters? With only one chapter left, will this plot hole ever be discussed and explained? Some people have told me that Jacob’s pack can only turn into wolves. So, wouldn’t that technically make them werewolves? I WANT ANSWERS, MEYER! (+1 Stupidity)

“Aro stared into my eyes for a long, tense moment. I had no idea what he was searching for, or what he found, but after he had measured me for that moment, something in his face changed, a faint shift in the set of his mouth and eyes, and I knew that Aro had made his decision. “Brother,” he said softly to Caius. “There appears to be no danger. This is an unusual development, but I see no threat. These half-vampire children are much like us, it appears.”

Aro orders the Voturi to go home and says they won’t bother the Cullens any more because Renesmee clearly isn’t a threat. Buh-bye!
That’s it?!?

You traveled all the way to America’s northwest with your entire goddamned army of vampires, and you decide to go home and play Xbox simply because some sexy stranger hopped out of the woods and said, “hybrids are nice and fun!” (+5 Stupidity)

I am so pissed. I’m not even going to dwell on this, because I know if I think about it any more my head will explode and my father probably doesn’t want to have to clean brain bits off the kitchen table. So, moving on. Everyone starts cheering and celebrating except for the Romanians. 

“We had forever. And Nessie was going to be fine and healthy and strong. Like the half-human Nahuel, in a hundred and fifty years she would still be young. And we would all be together. Happiness expanded like an explosion inside me —so extreme, so violent that I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. “Forever,” Edward echoed in my ear. I couldn’t speak anymore. I lifted my head and kissed him with a passion that might possibly set the forest on fire. I wouldn’t have noticed.”

And, once again, Bella Swan gets everything she wants.
I hate Bella Swan.
Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +17
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Cream Count: +1
Red Flag: Jacob: +1
Book Count:
Stupidity: +322
Angst: +28
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +45
Cream Count: +19
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +17 Jacob: +9


  1. Anyanka14 says:

    Also, if you can survive on either human food OR human blood…. why would you still choose to sometimes drink (eat??) blood? You’d think being a hybrid would make you more moral/ethical than pure vampires, not less.

  2. ha5rika says:

    And I just puked on my computer when Edward whispered “Forever”. I mean, who talks that shit? The movie however decided not to be such a jerk and gave a pretty good battle scene in which for once something bad happens (Carlisle dies) and Bella and Edward work together as team and Bella doesn’t need saving. But, of course it is all brushed off as a prediction by Alice. I didn’t read these chapters of the book (I had to give up for the sake of my sanity) but, I expected something like the movie fight would happen. That we would at least get a lengthy description of a battle scene that never was from Alice. SOMETHING. I really hate Meyer with a passion. Twilight is one of the rare cases where the movie is better than the book.
    And about why hybrids mature so fast. I think it is because Meyer cannot possibly have one her male characters be left unhappy and one of her female characters be unmarried. And having Renesmee have a growth sprout was the only way. She always wants a happy ending. She said so herself. She said in an interview that the reason she didn’t have a battle was because she couldn’t bare to kill off a character. The reason she hooked up Jacob and Nessie was because she couldn’t bare to have something unhappy and unperfect. She doesn’t just want things to be tied up in a bow. No, she wants something that can never exist: a perfect life (at least Meyer’s view of perfect). And that makes me sick. And if Twilight is indeed Meyer’s fantasy, then she is sick.
    *goes away to delete all Twilight ebooks from computer, pressing the del button with keyboard breaking force*

  3. cupcake2eater says:

    I’m pretty sure for Jacob and all of the other wolves to count as werewolves, they’d have to shift only on the full moon. Personally, I thought that the shape-shifter thing was just a different way of saying that Sam and everyone else were just Animagus. They can change whenever they want but they can only change to one shape/animal.

  4. sammygirl1967 says:

    Everyone with good sense hates Bella Swan. She is an awful excuse for a person.

    As for the werewolf/shifter thing: they do only turn into wolves, but that is ONLY because that was the animal the chief was in when he originally shifted. The idea was that it could have been any animal. So it depends on how you define werewolf. If you think werewolves are just people who turn into wolves then they’re werewolves. If you think werewolves are people who only turn on the full moon then they aren’t. Personally, they’re still werewolves in the most basic sense if you ask me because shape shifter usually implies they can turn more than one thing. If it hadn’t come out of nowhere and felt like a total (unneeded) asspull then I wouldn’t be so bothered by the werewolf/shifter BS.

    I’d say more about how stupid this chapter was, but I think that the stupid ate my brain.

  5. cupcake2eater says:

    Reblogged this on Chapter by Chapter.

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