What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4

 

We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.

 

 

“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”

 

 

Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
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What this chapter should be called: Worst Christmas Ever

Fucks I give: -4

Chapters left: 5

 

The first part of this chapter is bland and boring. Bella arrives home and hears Edward playing her lullaby on the piano. This makes her want to cry because, even though everyone else in the house seems so hopeful, Bella knows from her trip to Seattle that they’re all doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! (+1 Angst)

 

 

“Did you have a good time with Charlie today?” “Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won’t be much of an event, but . . .” I shrugged. Edward’s lips turned down. He quit playing and spun around on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “I hadn’t thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it—” “No,” I interrupted him. I flinched internally at the idea of trying to fake more enthusiasm than the bare minimum. “I just didn’t want to let it pass without giving her something.” “Do I get to see?” “If you want. It’s only a little thing.”

 

 

Bella feeds Edward a lie about how she popped out of Charlie’s to do some Christmas shopping for Renesmee — and then produces a little antique golden locket with “more than my own life” inscribed in French on it. (Dramatic much?)

Bella suggests that she go out and play-fight with Edward, but he shoots that idea down and insists on taking baby back to their sex cottage. 

 

“Emmett—on the sofa with Rose and holding the remote, of course—looked up and grinned in anticipation. “Excellent. The forest needs thinning.” Edward frowned at Emmett and then at me. “There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. “There’s no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and—” He cut me off. “Tomorrow.” And his expression was such that not even Emmett argued.”

 

 

I don’t know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn’t offer any explanation either. I’d understand if she had said, “Edward wouldn’t let me train with Emmett because he’s a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist.” But she doesn’t say that. She says nothing and does as she’s told. What a wonderful relationship these two have. (+1 Red Flag) Read the rest of this entry »

What this chapter should be called: Bella Cullen and the Case of the Stupid Mystery

Fucks I give: 1

Chapters left: 6

* Please forgive my terrible formatting. I’m having a lot of technical difficulties right now. *

Chapter 33 was kinda tolerable. It didn’t talk about baby-dating and only vaguely alluded to condoned homicide. We start off with Bella and taking Renesmee to her grandfather’s house. Chuck hasn’t seen the kid in a while, obviously because of all the vampires residing in Chez Cullen, and is missing her. Bella offers to drive Wonder Kid on over, with Jacob tagging along because his relationship with Renesmee is healthy and not suffocating at all.

 

“This trip was about more than protecting my father from the twenty-seven oddly matched vampires—who all had sworn not to kill anyone in a three-hundred-mile radius, but still… Obviously, no human being should get anywhere near this group. This was the excuse I’d given Edward: I was taking Renesmee to Charlie so that he wouldn’t decide to come here. It was a good reason for leaving the house, but not my real reason at all.”

Bella’s true plan is to sneak off to Seattle, in order to find this J. Jenks dude. You might be wondering why Bella would venture outside on her own, knowing that the Volturi could strike at any time and would easily destroy her.That’s because you’re smart. Have a cookie. (+1 Stupidity) Let’s just say that the Volturi won’t attack her because of…a magic boombox. There we go.
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What this chapter should be called: It’s okay to kill people as long as you don’t know them
Fucks I give: 5 out of anger
Chapters left: 7

 

I apologize in advance for the level of anger you are about to witness. This is going to be a very bitter review. If your computer has a text-to-speech function, you should turn your volume down. Even if your computer is politely silent, you may want to step back from the screen. The words will be strong. Some of them may not even be words at all. I may need numbers to express my level of frustration. When numbers fail me, I may turn to colors and pound signs.  You have been warned.

It’s just, UGH. This book is so very, very bad. It’s terrible. It’s about depressed people doing horrible things and justifying those horrible things with love. It’s about face touching. It’s about old men falling in love with high school girls. It’s about baby-dating. It’s not about romance, or adventure, or growing up and finding your place in the world.

I say all this because in this chapter Bella thinks it’s okay to kill people.
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What this chapter should be called: No one understands what a shield is
Fucks I give: 2
Chapters left: 8

 

I am so close to being done with this book that I can taste it, so let’s just jump right in.

 

“What is the werewolves’ part in this?” Tanya asked then, eyeing Jacob. Jacob spoke before Edward could answer. “If the Volturi won’t stop to listen about Nessie, I mean Renesmee,” he corrected himself, remembering that Tanya would not understand his stupid nickname, “we will stop them.”

 

Tanya and Jacob argue over whether the werewolves will be as nimbly-bimbly and useful as the sparklepires if it comes to a fight with the Volturi. Nobody is winning the argument, but everyone can agree that Eleazar’s pacing and out-loud thinking is quite interesting.

 

“A very talented family,” Eleazar murmured as he paced. His tempo was increasing; he flashed from the door to Carmen and back again every second. “A mind reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever magic this extraordinary child has bewitched us with. I wonder if there is a name for what she does, or if it is the norm for a vampire hybrid. As if such a thing could ever be considered normal! A vampire hybrid, indeed!”

 

Eleazar is totes shocked at Bella’s resistance to vampire powers. Bella quickly clarifies that she’s not immune to all vampire powers, just the ones associated with the brain. Well, that explains a lot. Alice must be able to see Bella’s future because decisions are made in the trachea, not the brain! And Jasper can influence her emotions because, obviously, emotions come from the digestive tract. How could I have ever missed this? (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: Somehow, I think I can resist
Fucks I give: -1
Chapters left: 9

 

If there’s one thing that is consistent throughout all these books, it’s Bella’s ability to worry about things for twenty pages. The girl could release her own self-help book called, “How to Worry About Things In 20-Page Increments: For Home or Office.” For instance, if you’re out of cheese, you can write twenty pages on what would happen if you never ate cheese again. It wouldn’t fix your problem, but at least you could be hip and sassy like Bella Swan-Cullen, the superstar of 21st century literature.

 

But maybe I’m being mean. Bella does have a good reason to worry, after all. The Volturi are coming to kill her and her family in less than a month for no good reason. I’d probably worry a bit too. She should continue her 20-page worry-a-thons. It’s just like the time in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones spent the entire movie saying, “Gosh. I sure hope the bad guys don’t get the Ark. That would be awful. All the pain and suffering…I just don’t know if I could handle that. I better make love.” (+1 Stupidity)

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What this chapter should be called: Bella Swan and the Case of the Obvious Plot Twist
Fucks I give: -3
Chapters I have left: 10

 

The first sentence of this chapter could have been the last sentence of this book, and I would have been okay with it.

 

“We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back.”

 

Yet, sadly, there are still many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The gist of this chapter is that Alice and Jasper ran away. It vaguely reminds me of when Snape killed Dumbledore and we all thought he was an evil guy. But us cool people knew that Snape was only acting evil, and was a good guy all along.

I think that might be the case here. Alice and Jasper have abandoned the Cullens (not that this is really a major loss. I think the Cullens will get by fine without Alice’s dumb predictions and Jasper’s talent at moving sideways.) to die by the Volturi’s hand. I’d bet, maybe not my soul, but a couple fingers and my leg hair, that Alice is taking on the Snape role here. She and Jasper look like cowardly cowards who cower now, but I think at the crucial moment, they’ll be back, toting along not-Juan the half-vampire expert to save the day.

Whatever. Back to the story. It’s two hours later and no one has moved.

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