Posts Tagged ‘Werewolves’

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.
What this chapter should be called: The battle that wasn’t

Fucks I give: 2

Chapters left: 3

This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!

“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”


The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.

“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “


Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.

What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion


This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.


“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”


Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)

What I would call this chapter: FETUS EXPLOSION LIFTOFF

For this chapter, I’m going to be giving out Gore points. It’s that bad. Also, I’m going to be going on hiatus for 2-3 weeks. Next week is finals for me, I’m about to start a new job, and I need some time to adjust to the idea of having to go back to Bella’s thoughts again. Hang in there.

Of three things I am certain:
1. Bert and Ernie are gay.
2. Math will never not suck.
3. This book has crossed into a new level of batshit insane that I can’t keep up with.


Bella is flapping around wildly, flailing and making cracking sounds while everyone else is stunned. I’m assuming that the cracking sounds mean the baby is trying to kick its way out of the uterus. Why it isn’t using its teeth like everyone has been saying it would is anyone’s guess. (+1 Stupidity)

“Rosalie whipped Bella’s body into her arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate the individual words, she and Edward shot up the staircase to the second floor. I sprinted after them. “Morphine!” Edward yelled at Rosalie. “Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!” Rosalie screeched.”


What Bella would call this chapter: Murmuring Glowers Of Crimson agony
Fucks I give: I’d rather be on Netflix


So, Jacob is running away. Again. Except this time, he’s not wolfing out and tearing off into the forest. He’s driving Edward’s car down the highway. This guy is an expert at running away from shit.


“I didn’t pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.”


It’s not explained why Jacob is driving instead of wolfing out. I imagine it has something to do with extra chromosomes and Leah’s lack of a menstrual cycle. Jake is really upset that Edward is suddenly thrilled about being a daddy. Mostly because this leaves Jacob all on his own in the fight to save Bella’s life from the demonspawn. And he’s going to save her by driving 50 miles to the next town to look at other girls. (+1 Stupidity)


What Bella would call this chapter: I’m naming my child something ridiculous
Fucks I give: So go away and let me be


Guess what? More patrol running! For what has to be the gajillionth time, Jake, Seth, and Leah decide to run a patrol. Why? we already know that Sam is not going to attack. Is there an actual reason for these endless patrols? Common sense says no. (+1 Stupidity)


“Let’s make the deep run, I told Leah. Seth, take the perimeter. Gotcha. Seth broke into an easy jog. Off on another vampire errand, Leah grumbled. You got a problem with that? Of course not. I just love to coddle those darling leeches. Good. Let’s see how fast we can run. Okay, I’m definitely up for that!”


Jake wants to take his pack out to make sure it’s safe for the Cullens to go hunting. What? I thought the Cullens were badass vampires who could take care of themselves. But, apparently, they’re really just a bunch of crybabies who need some shirtless teenage werewolves to hold their hands and say there’s nothing in the closet.

Seth splits off from Jake and Leah, as we discover the purpose of this endless patrol. It’s so that Jacob and Leah can have a nice little heart-to-heart, that even borders on flirting.


“We’re getting pretty far out here, she commented. Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now. Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push, Leah thought. He knows we’re giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. He’s not going to be able to surprise them. This was just a precaution, really. Wouldn’t want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances. Nope, I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm. You’ve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties. You’re not exactly the same Leah I’ve always known and loved, either.”


Oh, Leah. Leah, Leah, Leah. If you really want Jacob to fall for you, you’re going to have to do much better than that. Start making unreasonable demands, while at the same time complaining about your terrible perfect life. Smell like freesia and start making lasagna. Be weak and uninteresting. Read Wuthering Heights a lot. Have a romantic relationship with a controlling father figure who doesn’t care about the Italian tourism industry.