Posts Tagged ‘Erotic novel’

What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4


We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.



“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”



Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.


What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion


This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.


“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”


Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: (Fake) Werewolf Stories

Edward creep-o-meter: 3


I began to suspect that the werewolf party would not live up to my expectations when the chapter opened with Paul and Jacob fighting over the last hot dog instead of riding jet skis. Oh well. In all seriousness, this review will probably be one giant summary, because there’s not a whole lot of opportunity for snarking. You win some, you lose some.

 So Paul and Jacob fight over the last hot dog while Bella worries that she’s being a party pooper.


“I’d started to worry about showing up with him at the bonfire, wondering if the werewolves would consider me a traitor now. Would they be angry with Jacob for inviting me? Would I ruin the party? But when Jacob had towed me out of the forest to the clifftop meeting place — where the fire already roared brighter than the cloud-obscured sun — it had all been very casual and light.”


Even though everyone knows Bella would sell all the werewolves into slavery for the slightest chance of some sparkles, she’s still a Sue, so all the werewolves still love her. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella tells us its not strictly a werewolf party; Billy is there, so are the Clearwaters, and Quil’s grandpa, Old Quil. (Which sounds like something I’d nickname my expired cough syrup.)

Bella also meets Jared’s imprintee/forever buddy/soul mate, and immediately judges her on her looks.


“My first impression of Kim was that she was a nice girl, a little shy, and a little plain. She had a wide face, mostly cheekbones, with eyes too small to balance them out. Her nose and mouth were both too broad for traditional beauty. Her flat black hair was thin and wispy in the wind that never seemed to let up atop the cliff.”


Seeing as Bella constantly calls herself plain and boring, I’m not sure where she gets off on trashing Kim’s looks. (+1 Bitch) Meyer must figure this is okay though, because after Bella creeps on Kim and Jared for a while, she can’t find anything else bad to say about her.

Bella whines to Jacob that it’s late, and Jacob tells her that she better stay the fuck awake, because we’re about to tell some bitchin’ injun stories.


What this chapter should be called: Where in the world is Bella’s red blouse?

Edward creep-o-meter: 5


This chapter is bad. Not bad in the sense that nothing happens, though. This chapter is bad in the sense that it reads like fanfiction. Had I read this chapter out of context, I probably would have assumed it was fanfiction. This is like the fifth circle of hell for a Twilight reviewer.

Anyway, nothing has really happened in the first 200-ish pages of this book. Bella has just bounced around between Edward and Jacob like a grumpy, melodramatic tennis ball, which has just been thrilling. Hell, even twenty pages of Charlie trying not to burn water would be a welcome break. Sadly, the most exciting thing that happens here is Emmett’s return. (He even says words!)

Alice drops Bella off after the “slumber party.” Bella is totes exhausted, from all the toenail painting, I’m sure. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie yells to Bella that she’s got a message from Jacob. Real shocker there.


“Jacob called, Charlie had written. He said he didn’t mean it, and that he’s sorry. He wants you to call him. Be nice and give him a break. He sounded upset.”


Bella “grimaces” at the fact Charlie gave his own opinion on the matter. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Meyer does realize what “grimace” means, right? And no, I’m not talking about the freaky purple thing.

Bella decides that the right thing to do in this situation would be to just let Jacob be upset. I am just really starting to see where all these compliments about Bella being mature are coming from. (+1 Bitch)


What this chapter should be called: Bella is an idiot

Edward creep-o-meter: 5


I regret to inform you that Jacob’s daring rescue of Bella does not end in him joyously slaughtering vampires with an AK-47 and an automatic crossbow. It ends in…well, you’ll see.

They end up on the beach, wandering down it, again. This just must be Bella’s favorite thing in the world, seeing as she seems to end up doing this every time she’s at La Push. She would probably turn down a trip to Space Camp just to wander down a beach. Hell, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that taking a walk down the beach was code for having sex or doing drugs. (+1 Stupidity)

Besides, walking down the beach is not exactly the highest thing up on my to-do list after being sprung from vampire prison. Higher up would be loading a sniper rifle with bullets blessed in holy water and discussing my knowledge of entry points into Casa de Cullen.

Bella lets it slip that Mr. Sparklepants is going to get his belt when she gets home. Jacob suggests that she doesn’t go back, and just stays with the awesome werewolves and has oodles of fun and outdoor spaghetti dinners. Hell, where do I sign?


“Don’t go back, then,” he suggested again. “Charlie would love that,” I said sarcastically. “I bet he wouldn’t mind.”


Bella gnashes her teeth over how unfair it is that Charlie prefers Jacob over Edward. Since Jacob was the one who pulled Bella out of the crippling depression Edward left her in, I think Bella needs to shut her cakehole. (+1 Bitch)

Bella asks what the latest pack scandal is, and Jacob’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull. Oh, so there is a scandal! Hopefully no one got their face ripped off this time.


“Quil imprinted. That’s three now. The rest of us are starting to get worried. Maybe it’s more common than the stories say. . . .”


Oh, so Quil imprinted. Um, okay. *chirp chirp*


What this chapter should be called: 2 pages of awesome

Edward creep-o-meter: 7


This chapter is terrible. Just terrible. This chapter is so honest-to-god terrible that there are places where I couldn’t determine if I was reading Eclipse or a poorly constructed Jane Eyre fanfiction. Seriously, this chapter just really made me realize that Meyer has no idea how people talk. Here’s the first sentence of the chapter:


“Rosalie hesitated in my doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.”


And also, Meyer has no idea how an 18 year-old girl thinks. If this had been me,  I would have been thinking:

“Rosalie’s at the door. What the hell is her problem?”


“GTFO, Rosalie, I’m trying to sleep.”

You get the point. (+1 Stupidity)

Rosalie asks if they can talk, causing Bella to freak.


“She laughed lightly, and it sounded like a chorus of bells.”


To quote Stephen King, the road to hell is paved with adverbs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella and Rose make some awkward small talk, and then Rosalie gets around to her point: She wants Bella to stay human.


“Did Edward ever tell you what led to this?” she asked, gesturing to her glorious immortal body. I nodded slowly, suddenly somber. “He said it was close to what happened to me that time in Port Angeles, only no one was there to save you .”


What, so Rosalie was nearly name-called to death? I’m so confused. (+1 Stupidity) Then we get a line that makes me feel the need to find some good crackers.


“Would you like to hear my story, Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending — but which of ours does? If we had happy endings, we’d all be under gravestones now.”


Stephenie Meyer’s writing: the literary equivalent to a fine, well-aged Brie.

Rosalie starts to tell her story, the gist of which is pretty much, “I lived during the Great Depression and I was pretty and spoiled.” The only reason Rosalie wasn’t living out of a cardboard box is because her daddy was a banker, so he had a stable job. Um, what? Does Meyer not know that bankers were among the first people to lose their jobs in the Depression? Once again, literally 10 seconds on Google could have solved this. (+1 Stupidity)


What this chapter should be called: Kidnapping is fun!

Edward creep-o-meter: THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW


I’m actually kind of eager for this chapter, which both surprises and frightens me. Maybe it’s because I know that I will totally get to go off on Edward for being a total creep. It could just be the promise of some substance and less talk about feelings. Hmmm.

Bella is driving back into Forks, and immediately after she crosses over the injun border, a shiny silver Volvo is tailgating her.


“I considered pulling over. But I was too much of a coward to face him right away. I’d been counting on some prep time . . . and having Charlie nearby as a buffer. At least that would force him to keep his voice down.”


Bella has been preparing for a scolding, and perhaps even a spanking from her vampire sweetheart, but following her creepily in his car? I am just shocked. There is no possible way anyone would be that controlling, right? (+1 Red Flag)


“The Volvo followed inches behind me. I kept my eyes on the road ahead.”


Okay, question. If Edward wants to creepily keep tabs on Bella, why doesn’t he just run alongside the road? Sparklepires have super speed, right? No, he has to follow her in his car,  which reads like a scene from a B-rated slasher flick. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and why is Edward worried? I get that Alice can’t have visions of Bella when she’s with werewolves, but shouldn’t Alice have been able to see Bella deciding to go over to Angela’s house? She couldn’t have taken two seconds to zap Eddie a mind-note saying “yo, Bella is going over to Angela’s, so her face obviously hasn’t been torn off.” Then again, maybe Alice is just a jerk. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, Meyer tells us it’s sunny outside, so Edward should be lit up like a Christmas tree right about now. Continuity fail! (+1 Stupidity)

See, one of my biggest gripes about the sparkling is that Meyer never sets parameters for when her vampires physically can and cannot sparkle, preferring to leave it to the convenience of the plot. In fact, if Meyer had taken one word back in book 1 to specify that vampires only sparkled in direct sunlight, I wouldn’t rag on her half as much.