Posts Tagged ‘Fangirls’

What this chapter should be called: I wish this was chapter 11

Edward creep-o-meter: 5, he’s actually not too bad here.


As the promise of an epic vampire/werewolf team-up looms on the horizon, I’m actually kind of excited for this chapter. Sadly, I know that this team-up is not going to be nearly as epic as I’m imagining. Sad face. But on the plus side, werewolf parties! Yeah!

We start out with Jacob coming over to check out the scent the panty thief left in Bella’s room. Edward leaves for this; I imagine his cripplingly low self-esteem doesn’t allow him to be in the same room as awesome Jacob. But he’ll be creeping around the forest to make sure Bella’s safe.


“I won’t be far away. You’ll be safe.” “I’m not worried about that .” He smiled, and then a sly look came into his eye. He pulled me close, burying his face in my hair. I could feel his cool breath saturate the strands as he exhaled; it raised goose bumps on my neck.”


Well, that’s kind of creepily territorial. You think he’ll pee on her next? (+1 Red Flag) Wait a minute, can vampires even pee? No, scratch that, I’m sure I’ve talked about this already.

Bella meanders into the kitchen and fills up the sink to wash dishes. I guess they don’t have dishwashers in Meyerland, either. (+1 Stupidity) Jacob eventually shows up and rings the doorbell.


“I was concentrating on piling the dishes into the bubbly water, and I’d forgotten that Jacob moved like a ghost these days. So it made me jump when his voice was suddenly there behind me.”


Sentence fluency is obviously not. One of Meyer’s strong points. (+1 Stupidity)

And what is up with all these people  moving like ghosts in these books? Edward and co. are completely silent, despite being made of stone, and Jacob (who is about 6’5” and being all muscle, weighs at least 200 lbs) doesn’t make any sound either. This makes no fucking sense. (+1 Stupidity)



I unearthed this little gem while trolling around the other day. Flame a fansite, engage in argument, or if you’re really crazy, take it to the premiere of Breaking Fail, part deux, and see how long it takes you to incite the Twitards enough to fill in your entire board! (And please forgive me for taking so damn long with the Eclipse reviews. That is all.)

This is just too easy.

What this chapter should be called: We gather here today to mourn the passing of our dear plot…

Edward creep-o-meter: Still not in this chapter, thank the lord, so we’ll keep it at a 5.


Thankfully, this is a short chapter, somewhat negated by the fact that nothing happens. The entirety of this chapter is Bella deciding to be a selfless hero (Yeah, right.) and to just go confront the tracker on her own so that no one gets hurt. I’d be 100% behind this action if I didn’t suspect it was a colossal ruse for Edward to come riding in on his white horse and save her, because that’s all girls are good for.

Anyway, we begin with Alice drawing out another room after a vision. Bella’s such a fantastic critic (Anther one for the résumé, folks.) that she can instantly pick up on the tiny nuances of Alice’s drawing, even telling us that the wall paneling is out of date. (+1 Stupidity)


“The phone goes there,” I whispered, pointing.
 Two pairs of eternal eyes stared at me.”


Okay, seriously, what the hell’s up with Meyer and eyes? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

DUN DAA DUNNN! It’s Mom’s house.

Alice calls up Team Hunt-Jerkoff, telling Bella that she’s going to go hide with them for awhile, and that Edward’s hopped the first plane to Phoenix to come get her.


“Edward is coming?” The words were like a life vest, holding my head above the flood.”


I’ve never quite felt as strong an urge to physically assault a fictional character before now. (+1 Angst)

Honestly, why is everyone making such a fuss? News flash, there are 7 of you and 2 of them. Why don’t you just kill them both and go on with life? It’ll solve some problems later on *coughEclipsecough* and we can stop carting the human-flavored pudding all around the country. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella starts flipping out, worrying about will Jasper or Alice or Mom get hurt and whatnot, so Jasper (Who’s been getting a lot of mileage out of his powers lately.) touches her and uses his super sparkle powers to calm the bitch down, which only pisses her off more. She snaps at him for trying to help, (+1 Bitch) and then stalks off to her room, where she sulks for 3 and a half hours. (+1 Angst) Jesus rollerblading Christ, woman!

The phone rings. Jasper is gone, checking out of the hotel. Alice lets Bella know that Edward will be in Phoenix in a few hours. The phone rings again. Oh man, Meyer, this is so tense and chilling. After a second Alice hands the phone to Bella. After a second, Alice gives Bella the phone. Turns out Bella’s mom is panicking on the other end.


“I sighed. I’d been expecting this, though I’d tried to make my message as unalarming as possible without lessening the urgency of it.”


Oh, pesky mothers and their tendency to worry when their children run away from home, screaming insults through fits of tears. (+1 Bitch)

Bella starts trying to calm her down, only to be interrupted.


“Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to.” The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man’s tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.”


Oh snap, it’s Generic Bad Guy, and he’s got Mom!

So, I guess this means that the illustrious Forks High was kind enough to give Bella’s records to a crazy ginger hippie lady after all. James begins walking Bella through a stilted conversation, and I’m seeing several problems on the near horizon.


“Now, I don’t need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as I say, and she’ll be fine.” He paused for a minute while I listened in mute horror. “That’s very good,” he congratulated. “Now repeat after me, and do try to sound natural. Please say, ‘No, Mom, stay where you are.'”
 “No, Mom, stay where you are.” My voice was barely more than a whisper.


Seriously, how is Alice falling for this? Isn’t she supposed to be watching James and Victoria, so shouldn’t she have seen this coming?(+1 Stupidity) Plus, Sparklefairies have super hearing, so shouldn’t Alice at least be able to pick up on some snatches of the voice coming through the phone? If they can hear singular heartbeats, I’m sure they can hear this. (+1 Stupidity) Even if she can’t hear it for some reason, could she not pick up on the sudden change in Bella’s voice? Sure, Bella walks in to the next room, but is Alice really so dense that she can’t look at Bella and realize, “Oh, hey, something’s not right?” (+1 Stupidity)

James then orders Bella into the other room so that her face doesn’t give her away.


“I shut the door behind me, trying to think clearly through the terror that gripped my brain.”


Uh, he’s just on the phone. He’s not right in front of you. Are you seriously not thinking about, I don’t know, maybe tipping Alice off to what’s going on? Jesus, this girl is too stupid to deserve to live. (+1 Stupidity)

James threatens Mom’s life if Bella doesn’t go to her old house. There will be a number  for her to call written on the whiteboard. Bella tearfully agrees, and accepts the fact that she’s going to die, and by now, you can probably tell how incredibly bored I am. All this has been is  Meyer flaunting the fact that she had a plot.

I can’t help but imagine James thanking Edward for training Bella into blind obedience to manly manpower after that phone call. I bet they’re off in a coffee shop somewhere, comparing tricks.


Edward: I can make her roll over with only one biscuit as a treat!

James: Yeah, but I can make her play dead – over the phone!


Well, at least she knows that there’s nothing useful she can do. Way to be a survivor. So Bella goes back out into the main room, and Alice is somehow dense enough to fall for the, “Mom wanted to come back but I told her to stay where she was.” line that Bella lays on her.

Wait a minute, I thought Bella was calling a house number in the previous chapter. Wouldn’t Mom already be in Phoenix for her to have gotten the number? How the hell is Alice falling for this? (+1 Stupidity)

Instead of actually being proactive and doing something, she decides to tearfully write a goodbye letter to Edward.


“I let the waves of torture wash over me, have their way for a time.”




So Bella goes and writes her tearful angsty goodbye/apology letter to Edward for him to read after she gets eaten. She urges him not to go after James, because that’s what the asshole wants. I love you, please, I’m sorry, don’t get hurt, etcetera etcetera.

The end.

Sweet baby Jesus on a flying unicycle, SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +3

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +248

Angst: +27

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +72

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8

What this chapter should be called: The cake is still a lie.

Edward creep-o-meter: Eh, 7 or so. But if this was a douchebag meter it would be at 11.


This chapter is titled, “Carlisle”. Normally, I would assume that we would get to talk to Carlisle and learn a little about him, but because of last chapter, we know that this book lies to you.  I really don’t know what to expect, but I would guess that Edward will still hog most of the limelight.

The chapter opens with Meyer point blank refusing to use the word, “said.”


“Come in,” Carlisle’s voice invited.”


Amateur writers do this a lot. They avoid “said” like it’s the bubonic plague and sub in long, flowery adjectives in order to punch up their writing. While this isn’t bad in and of itself, and can actually add personality to the characters when used sparingly and responsibly, Meyer seems to have an outright phobia of the word “said”. Flip to any page in this book and try to find an instance where she uses “said” in dialogue WITHOUT any modifiers. Pretty hard to find any, isn’t it? Those few you may find are the exceptions that prove the rule.

I could go on for hours about Meyer’s abuse of “said bookisms” and how they make her look like a complete novice, but that would send this entire entry off the tracks, so here’s a link instead. Go nuts.

Meyer describes Carlisle’s office, and of course, it can’t just be a nice office. It has to be a big office with fancy walls and a collection of books that is comparable to a public library. Obviously Meyer’s never been to a public library. (Which makes sense considering her aversion to research.) Carlisle is sitting behind a huge desk that’s made of MAHOGANY! I’m glad Bella’s so up-to-date on her wood finishes. (+1 Stupidity)

Carlisle asks them what they want.


“I wanted to show Bella some of our history,” Edward said. “Well, your history, actually.”


Wait, so that infodump last chapter didn’t mean anything? Way to fuck with the reader’s head, Meyer.

I’ll be damned, Meyer actually used said. I almost feel bad about what I just said.


“We didn’t mean to disturb you,” I apologized.”


And now I don’t.

Edward forcefully spins Bella around to look towards the door instead of, I don’t know, maybe gesturing to indicate that he wants her to look in that direction. Since Edward touched her, Meyer doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out how awesome it is.

Edward yanks her around to look at a wall full of paintings. Remember what I said earlier about how Bella’s refusal to call Edward out on his behavior gives him the impression that he’s entitled to manhandle her? Well, we’re seeing that now. This is a small example, but it gives us a good idea of Edward’s mindset. Want Bella to look at something? Pull her over there. Want her to be someplace? Pick her up and carry her. He treats her like baggage to be toted around. This example may be small, but in a way it’s just as bad as some of the other stuff he’s pulled. This shows that physically forcing Bella to do things is natural to him now. Since Bella didn’t establish any boundaries, he doesn’t respect them.

The worst part is that Bella had previously made it clear in the narration that she really doesn’t appreciated being treated in such a way. Even so, she lets it slide because she considers it such an honor that someone as pretty as Edward is even giving her the time of day. She does not allow Edward’s behavior out of love, but out of desperation. What kind of message do you think this sends? If someone is pretty enough you should let them walk all over you, because you should be grateful to even be in that person’s presence? Yeah, THAT will certainly help teenage girls with their self-esteem. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Carlisle pops up behind Bella to tell her about some of the paintings, which scares her shitless because she didn’t hear him move. We get it, the Meyerpires are all ninjas. Whatever. (+1 Stupidity)


“Will you tell the story?” Edward asked.”


Don’t see why Meyer felt the word “you” had to be italicized, but who gives a damn? The important part is we’re actually going to get some back story about a character from the character himself! Man, after all the Edward infodumping this comes as a welcome change of pace.


“I would,” he replied, “but I’m actually running a bit late. …”





“… Besides, you know the stories as well as I do,” he added …”




I hate this book! I hate these characters! I even hate their house! (+1 Stupidity, and this would be triple points for bad writing if I was keeping count.)

Then Carlisle leaves. He fucking leaves! This chapter is called Carlisle, but he’s not even going to be in it! Sure, it may be about him, but that means little without him actually being here. God forbid someone else should get a non-trivial amount of screen time. Heaven help us if someone else gets some focus besides Edward. That’s who this chapter’s really about, by the way. This isn’t about Carlisle’s past so much as it is about Carlisle’s past in relation to Edward. He’s the one telling the story; he’s the one we’re expected to admire. Carlisle is awesome, Meyerpires are awesome, and by extension Edward is awesome. God, this book makes me so damn angry.

Apparently Carlisle was suicidal when he first turned, but couldn’t kill himself.


“It is amazing that he was able to resist… feeding… while he was still so new.”


Of course, anyone who’s read Breaking Fail should know that this is a load of bullshit. Edward tells Bella that Carlisle tried to starve himself. Bella asks if that’s even possible.


“Is that possible?” My voice was faint.
 “No, there are very few ways we can be killed.”


WHOA! Back that thing up, Meyer! So a Meyerpire can’t starve to death from lack of drinking blood? What the hell? That means the blood drinking really isn’t necessary! It doesn’t even serve a purpose other than to introduce fake drama! Are you even trying anymore, Meyer?!?!? (+1 Stupidity)

I’m not even gracing Meyerpires by caling them vampires anymore. I’m now calling them fairies, because they have a lot more in common with those than with actual vampires.

Edward mentions Carlisle getting physically weak from not feeding, but that’s not even close to the same. It’s not even close. Since Sparklefairies are so very much stronger than humans, “weak” for them could easily mean “on human level.” That would mean that they “need” to drink blood because it gives them superhuman abilities and they’re addicted to the power. That makes it a drug, not an essential for life. They need blood like an addict needs heroin (To use Meyer’s own comparison).

If you don’t eat, you die. That’s how it works. The Sparklefairies’ life is being sustained by something other than blood, which means that blood serves no purpose other than the “high” it gives them. Meyer has just invalidated any claim she’s made to her darlings being vampires. They don’t need blood, they have no weaknesses. Chrissakes, they’re not even undead. Their fairydom is the result of mutation from exposure to sparkle venom, a transformation that happens while they’re still alive.

Before someone screams, “Artistic license!” let me point out that even artistic license has its limits. For example, let’s use mermaids. According to most lore, mermaids are beautiful women with fish tails instead of legs, can’t survive out of water, and have a tendency to seduce innocent sailors with their song and drag them to their deaths. Now, I’ll take artistic license with said mermaids and turn them into ugly little fuckers who can survive in or out of water, don’t have the fish tails, and screech like banshees. Can I call these creatures mermaids? Sure, but not before bastardizing the entire mermaid lore. Do you see my point? Just because they have some passing similarities doesn’t make them the same creature. Sparklefairies and vampires may both drink blood, but there is a world of difference between the two. Sparkle fairies are not vampires for the same reason that humans are not whales just because they’re both mammals.

My God, she’s not even TRYING! Why do Twifans INSIST that these are vampires when the book itself disproves that claim? The one thing the Sparklefairies had in common with vampires, and Meyer screwed that up too. Every time I think her incompetence can no longer amaze me, she finds some new way to pull it off. It would be impressive, really, if it weren’t so incredibly sad.

Edward keeps infodumping about Carlisle’s past, and I am so pissed at Carlisle’s bait-and-switch and Meyer’s growing incompetence that I’m sorely tempted to skip this. But I will be strong! Blah, blah, blah, Carlisle swam to France. Blah, blah, blah, Sparklefairies don’t need oxygen.

Edward’s face turns to stone, then is replaced by a block of ice. Hey, if Meyer doesn’t have to put any effort into this, neither do I.

Sparklepeen takes a moment to be emo, and I almost wish he would go back to infodumping all over us. It may be boring, but at least it isn’t as painful to read as Edward’s “Oooh, I’m so damaged and brooding and that makes me sexy.” lines.

They look at another painting before continuing with the story. You know what would be better than looking at paintings while Edward infodumps on the audience? Talking to CARLISLE about these things and getting his personal reactions to his own past! You know, actually SHOWING instead of just telling? The painting thing is almost as stupid as when a book character looks into a mirror so the author can describe her appearance. (Yet another mark of an amateur, and if you’ve been following you’ll remember Meyer pulled that move back in chapter 1.)


“Now he is all but immune to the scent of human  blood…”


Then why in the world did he have a problem greeting Bella? Anyway, Edward plays up the blood hunger, which, given that we now know that it is completely harmless (except when Meyer feels the need to be dramatic), and that it’s not even real hunger, it loses much of its impact. Interesting to note that Edward says it took Carlisle centuries of “torturous effort” to control his bloodlust, but apparently Edward can will himself not to eat Bella because, as he put it, “mind over matter.”

I’m really tempted to rip out a page of this book so laboratory analysis can see if the pages themselves are made of bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward goes on to how Carlisle found other fairies in Italy.


“They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers.”


I won’t even start on the fact that this would be about 200 years before sewers were first constructed. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward touched a “comparatively sedate” painting on the highest balcony, a sentence that makes me think he stretched out his arm like Mr. Fantastic. The figures in the painting were “looking down calmly on the mayhem below them.” Uh … what mayhem would that be? Is the room damaged? Is there some kind of violence going on? Is there a riot? The word “mayhem” in no way applies to the arrangement of paintings. Good God, Meyer, do you EVER stop to look up the words you pick out of the thesaurus? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if Meyer thought she might be being a little too subtle about how awesome her sparkle fairies are, she has Edward point out that Francesco Solimena, the Baroque-era Italian painter, was so inspired by Carlisle and his buds that he often painted them as gods. Seriously, she says a painter that produced works like this was influenced by her Sparklefairies. God, this book sucks.

…Hey, what’s that whirring sound? Oh, only Solimena spinning in his grave. No biggie. (+1 Stupidity)

While I can stand Meyer’s atrocious writing, seeing her plunderize history in an attempt to elevate her works makes me want to set something on fire.

To summarize the next few paragraphs, blah blah blah, Carlisle got pissed at his friends because they acted like vampires, and blah blah blah so he left. Blah blah blah, he was lonely.

Edward has a brief emo moment, and when that passes Bella describes the “gentle angel’s smile” that “lit his expression.” Gag me with a spoon! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pulls Bella out of the room, and I already pointed out what’s wrong with this earlier, so I’ll move on. Edward then starts talking about himself. Namely, how he once rebelled against Carlisle’s “vegetarian” diet.


“Really?” I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.”


We get it, he’s dangerous, will you PLEASE shut up about it now?


“He barked a laugh, more loudly than before.”


What would that even sound like? How the hell would you even do that? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward only rebelled briefly, since he read the “perfect sincerity” in Carlisle’s mind. Uh, is that supposed to mean something? Just because someone believes in something strongly enough doesn’t necessarily make it the right thing to do. I mean, I’m sure Hitler thought what he was doing was right, but that doesn’t make it okay. (+1 Stupidity) Someone can be totally sincere in their belief in something and still be wrong. Just ask the May 21st rapture people. If Edward felt strongly enough about his disagreement to openly defy Carlisle, then knowing that Carlisle really believes in what he’s doing shouldn’t be that persuasive.

Edward says that he thought that, due to his psychic abilities, he could only target bad people. He says, for example, that if he fed on a murderer who was targeting an innocent woman, then surely that wouldn’t make him so bad. If you’ve been paying attention, then you know that Edward is making this up. At the very least, he’s never used his blood addiction as an excuse to save someone’s life. To quote what he said back in chapter 8:


“I followed you to Port Angeles,” he admitted, speaking in a rush. “I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it’s much more troublesome than I would have believed. …”


Therefore proving that, once again, Meyer is bullshitting us.

Bella takes a moment to bask in the awesomeness that is Edward.


“And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable.


I’m convinced Meyer typed this book one-handed. (+1 Cream Count)

They walk along the hall until they reach Edward’s room, and since it belongs to Edward, it immediately gets the adjective treatment.


“His room faced south, with a wall-sized window like the great room below. The whole back side of the  house must be glass. His view looked down on the winding Sol Duc River, across the untouched forest  to the Olympic Mountain range. The mountains were much closer than I would have believed.
 The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store. In the corner was a sophisticated-looking sound system, the kind I was afraid to touch because I’d be sure to break something. There was no bed, only a wide and inviting black leather  sofa. The floor was covered with a thick golden carpet, and the walls were hung with heavy fabric in a slightly darker shade.”


Really, Meyer? Edward’s room is comparable to a CD store? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying that Edward somehow managed to fit a Virgin Megastore into his bedroom? It was bad enough when Carlisle’s office was compared to a fucking LIBRARY, but now Edward’s bedroom contains more stock than a music store? Does Meyer have NO sense of scale? Does she not realize how big a library or a music store can be? It’s not as if the whole room is filled with CDs either, it’s just the one wall. How fucking huge is that wall? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, why is it just CDs? What about audio cassettes? 8-track tapes? Vinyl records? People still collect vinyl records even nowadays, you know. Did Edward not hold on to some of his vintage albums, or is his enthusiasm for music a fairly recent thing? Also, why does no one in this book have an MP3 player? Or a cell phone? Or broadband internet?

Bella admires the music collection. I‘m not kidding, Meyer actually stops to explain how Edward organizes his CDs. Riveting stuff here. Since the word “subtlety” isn’t in Meyer’s vocabulary, she has her characters flat-out explain to us how they feel about Bella knowing all about Edward.


“… his eyes dissected my expression …”


I’m tempted to start a charity drive to pay for grief counseling on behalf of Meyer’s thesaurus. To dissect means to analyze and interpret something minutely. In general it refers to ideas, as in dissecting a poem or the points of an argument. That is a function of the brain, not the eyes. Eyes cannot dissect anything. Why do people constantly claim that Meyer is some kind of literary genius when she constantly uses her words wrong? {+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella says something I find funny. It wasn’t meant to be funny, but I’ve been wanting to say this to Edward for a long time now.


“I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re really not as scary as you think you are…”


Of course, saying this seriously would destabilize the entire “bad boy” image Meyer’s built up for Eddiekins, so Meyer feels the need to make it perfectly clear that Bella is lying.

Edward raises his eyes in “blatant disbelief”, the word “blatant” being unnecessary in that sentence. As if to say “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!”, Edward assumes a threatening stance. Bella has enough time to comment on his “perfect teeth” before he tackles her. You read that right. Bella said he isn’t scary, and in response he fucking tackles her! It isn’t a playful tackle, either. She’s becomes airborne, they crash into the sofa, and are knocked into the wall.

How reckless, irresponsible, and immature is this guy? (+1 Red Flag)


“All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection  around me — I was barely jostled.”



The laws of physics don’t work that way. If you were struck by a human-sized stone-like object moving at a speed so great it can’t be detected by the naked eye, with so much force that it caused you to go airborne, only to have your flight broken by hitting a nearby wall, you would be fucked seven ways to Sunday. If this happened in reality, Bella could be looking at broken bones, punctured organs, a cracked skull, and other injuries depending on where she was struck and the angle at which she hit the object that broke her flight. Edward having his arms around her would do next to nothing to protect her. You fail, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, haven’t Sparklefairies been described as stone previously, and now they’re suddenly iron? I’m so glad to finally see some consistency in this book. *eye roll*


But Bella-Sue isn’t hurt at all. She tries to right herself, but Edward doesn’t let her.


“He wasn’t having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains. I glared at him in alarm, but he seemed well in control, his jaw relaxed as he grinned, his eyes bright only with humor.”


This is the perfect metaphor for Bedward’s relationship, isn’t it? Once again Edward does whatever the hell he wants, and damn how Bella might feel about it. Bella glares at him in alarm, clearly uncomfortable. Edward shows just how much of a bastard he is by finding Bella’s reaction amusing. (+1 Red Flag)


“You were saying?” he growled playfully.”


What the hell was that little stunt supposed to prove? That if you do something completely out of left field Bella will be startled? What a douche. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella wants to get up, but Sparklefairy just laughs it off. Silly woman, will she want to vote next?

Someone’s at the door, no doubt having heard the crash and wondering what was going on. Wouldn’t it have been really funny if the couch had ended up colliding with his CD collection? Anyway, it’s Alice and Jasper. Edward publicly shows dominance over Bella by forcing her on to his lap. What a douche.


“… she walked–almost danced, her movements were so graceful–to the center of the room, where she folded herself sinuously onto the floor.”


While this passage doesn’t top, “bouquets of brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly” it’s still pretty bad. I get the feeling Meyer thinks that her Sparklefairies are the best thing ever, so they can’t walk, they have to dance. They also can’t sit down, they have to, “fold themselves sinuously.” You’d think she could at least let the Sparklefairies perform basic tasks without loading it down with adjectives. The book doesn’t need to come to a screeching halt because, oooh, one of the Sparklefairies rang a doorbell and you have to describe how gracefully he pressed the button. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.”


HA HA HA, it’s funny because they were talking about Bella’s gruesome murder! Oh, Meyer, you joker! (+1 Stupidity)

That joke is in incredibly poor taste, especially given that Bella is sitting right there and might be a little uncomfortable about being in a room with monsters talking about eating her, even if it is a joke. What’s more, I think they might actually be serious.

Let’s think about this. They heard a violent crashing sound, generally a sign of conflict unless Edward breaks his furniture on a regular basis. They had no way of knowing what was going on in there, so even if they weren’t 100% certain that Edward was eating Bella (Not that way, you sickos.) , the thought must have at least crossed their minds.

Don’t give me the bullshit about Alice’s plot-device powers, either. Even if she did know, don’t you think she might have cared to share that with Jasper?


“Jasper,  however, paused at the door, his expression a trifle shocked.”


At least one of them was expecting a free snack.

Like the douche he is, Edward finds this funny.


“Sorry, I don’t believe I have enough to spare,” he replied, his arms holding me recklessly close.


I guess twu wuv in Meyerland is code for, “get the hell away from me.” Then again, this might be because Edward is holding Bella against her will (again) so no stupidity point this time.

Oh, it seems that Alice’s- oh, hell, can I just refer to her as Plot Device from now on?-powers allow her to predict the weather too. At first I thought that she’d just watched the weather report, but then Bella comments about her being more reliable than the weatherman, implying that the prediction comes from Plot Device and not from the news. Her powers do just about anything Meyer wants them to do, huh?

Turns out there’s going to be a storm and they’re going out to play sparkleball. They invite Bella, who agrees so as not to disappoint Edward. Since there will be a storm, Bella asks if she should bring an umbrella, which they find funny for some reason.


“They all three laughed aloud.”


Do I even NEED to point out what’s wrong with that sentence?

Plot Device goes to check if Carlisle will go with them, and apparently she runs like a ballerina. Okay, I just can’t take it anymore. Every time Meyer describes Plot Device’s movements I laugh at how ridiculous the descriptions are, but I realize that some of you require a visual.

Meyer just compared Plot Device rushing off to Carlisle to ballet. If you’ve ever seen a ballet performance you know how silly that is. Take a look at this.

Jasper somehow manages to close the door inconspicuously, as opposed to the eye-catching manner most people normally close doors in. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And the chapter ends.

You’re probably expecting something incredibly witty and amusing, but this book has been so utterly stupid I just don’t have the energy.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +13

Thesaurus Rape: +4

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: +3


Total Count:

Stupidity: +204

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +63

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +27

Red Flag: +55

Redemption: +7

What this chapter should be called: The cake is a lie!

Edward creep-o-meter: 9


Since this chapter is called “the Cullens” I’m hoping we get to actually meet some of the other vamps. Personally, I’m pretty interested at getting a chance to meet Edward’s talked about (and talked about, and talked about…) family. It’s about time some supporting characters got some screen time.

The chapter starts with Bella waking up and literally throwing herself on Edward when she discovers that he stayed and watched her sleep all night. At some point he left the bed and assumed the creepy “I watch you sleep” position in her rocking chair. I must say, I did find it funny how over-the-top Bella’s reaction was. If this was a parody, I’d say Meyer was a genius. The fact that it’s serious makes it more funny, but also a little sad.

Here we get our first strike against Charlie. It turns out he pulled the battery cables on Bella’s truck to prevent her from going anywhere. Personally, I think that’s a little extreme and shows a lack of trust on Charlie’s part. I would understand if Bella had previously sneaked out of the house, but she hasn’t. More likely this complete character assassination is in attempt to make us sympathize more with Bella. (+1 Stupidity) Like the douchesilo he is, Edward finds this funny.


I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?”


Very ironic, considering how he disables her truck in book 3.


“I deliberated where I stood…”


Meyer really loves that word, doesn’t she? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

She skips to the bathroom, and these descriptions are so grand I’m half expecting to see a unicorn trot down the hall at any moment. We see her wash her face (why?…) before she rushes back to her room to ogle Sparklepeen some more. Pardon me while I hurl.

Bella learns that Edward left to go get a change of clothes, and immediately starts pouting. Is this girl really so fucking clingy that he can’t even leave to change his clothes? Cry me a river! (+1 Angst)

This is a huge problem in this damn book. Meyer feels the need to use the strongest, most melodramatic language to describe the simplest terms. A character can never be sad, they must be, “descending a spiral of despair”. The same thing extends to the “love” in this book. Meyer doesn’t write genuine emotions or show real affection, so she compensates by using loads of flowery language and the strongest proclamations of love possible. That’s why instead of those little moments of chemistry that would make Bella and Edward feel like a couple, we get wordy descriptions of Edward’s perfection. Instead of real interaction between the characters, we get a scene where Meyer substitutes any real depth with basic questions like “what’s your favorite color?” Instead of those moments where you can really see the love between the characters without the need for them to come out and say it, we get this.


“You are my life now,” he answered simply.


Meyer’s got no fucking clue how to write romance.

In another story, ( One that takes the time to establish and develop a romance rather than just telling the audience that it’s there.), the words “you are my life now” could be very profound and emotionally moving. Here it sounds cheaper than a 42nd street hooker. Without any history, any context, they’re just words he’s saying. There has been no chemistry, no truly romantic moments. Meyer isn’t expressing her characters’ love, she’s trying to convince us of the existence of something that has not been demonstrated.

The following conversation is chock full of references to Edward’s vampirism, which is really getting old. We know that Edward is a perfect Meyerpire and Bella is a smooshy human. I wish Meyer would actually do something with it rather than cracking jokes. I can practically feel Meyer nudging the audience and winking, then patting herself on the back and saying “aren’t I clever?”

Edward decides it’s time for breakfast, so he lets her take her time, and then they walk down the stairs hand in hand…oh, wait, that’s what an actual couple might do. Edward just throws the bitch over his shoulder.


“He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair.”


This isn’t even the first time he’s done this, either. This isn’t how you treat the girl you love, it’s how you treat a toddler who won’t eat his vegetables and runs away from the table. (+ 1 Red Flag)

What really bothers me is how Bella just accepts Edward treating her like a child. Sure she protests while he’s doing it, but she doesn’t make an issue out of it. Like in the parking lot scene, when Edward dragged her to his car and threatened her until she got in, she protested at first then instantly forgot it, thereby giving Edward the green light to control her again. If she had any self-respect, she would put her foot down and tell Edward “this isn’t okay, don’t ever do it again.” There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t. Failing to do so only makes Bella a doormat and gives Edward permission to walk all over her.

Anyhoo, Edward wants Bella to meet his family and vice versa. She’s worried they may not like her. Alice may or may not have had a vision of Bella. Sparklepeen says they’d been placing bets on when he’d bring her to meet them.


“…though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can’t imagine.”


Wasn’t it stated last chapter that Alice’s powers were subjective, so she could quite possibly be wrong? WTF? If Edward is now implying that Alice’s powers are 100% correct, then way to fuck with continuity…again. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks if Bella’s breakfast is any good, and this has been bothering me a for a really long time…


“Well, it’s no irritable grizzly…”



Sure, there are black bears and stuff, but you have to go up north to find grizzlies. Google is your friend, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella eats, Edward turns into a statue again (Is he part gargoyle or something?) but before I can get too pissed, he says something I actually…like. He wants Bella to introduce him to Charlie.


“I stared at him with suspicion. “Why?”
 “Isn’t that customary?” he asked innocently.
 “I don’t know,” I admitted.”


Either Bella is lying or she’s dumber than I thought. Has she never watched TV or read a book? Everyone who goes outside knows that traditionally the new boy is expected to meet the folks eventually. It’s practically social cliché. Unless she’s lived a VERY sheltered life ( I rather doubt it ), she should know this by default. (+1 Stupidity)


“Not that any normal rules of dating applied here.”


Um, why not? Meyerpire or not,  he’s still her boyfriend and should therefore meet daddy dearest. Seems pretty straightforward to me. (+1 Stupidity)


“That’s not necessary, you know. I don’t expect you to… I mean, you don’t have to pretend for me.”
 His smile was patient. “I’m not pretending.”


Jesus, what is it with this girl and hating on her father? Does she really think Charlie is so boring Edward will automatically have no interest in him? (+1 Bitch)

However, this is the first thing I’ve read in this book that actually comes off as sweet. It’s the first expression of caring that actually works. A gold star and a cookie for Meyer. (+1 Redemption)

It works because Meyer isn’t trying so hard. It works because it’s simple, honest, and doesn’t call attention to itself. I don’t think Meyer was even trying to be romantic at the time, and that makes it work more. It’s a simple statement, but it says more than all the lion-and-lambs and you-are-my-life-nows that preceded it. It’s the context, as much as the words themselves, that make them ring true. Edward states that his desire to meet her father, to be integrated into her family in that way, is no act. That shows commitment, a willingness to put himself out there and declare himself as being a part of her life.

Moving along, we get some insight to how Bella thinks of their, “relationship”.


“Are you going to tell Charlie I’m your boyfriend or not?” he demanded. “Is that what you are?” I suppressed my internal cringe at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boyfriend in the same room at the same time.”


This tells us 2 things, the obvious being that Bella is horrified at the idea of her father even knowing about Edward, much less introducing him as her boyfriend. The reason for this isn’t even hinted at, as usual, we’re just expected to swallow Meyer’s bullshit without question. (+1 Stupidity) It feels like Meyer is having Bella act like this simply because she’s a teenage girl and is thus obligated to hate her father. Wouldn’t want to rock the boat and actually write a father-daughter relationship with … *gasp* … DEPTH! Why have real emotions and complicated issues? That would just get in the way of more descriptions of Edward’s physical appearance, and I’m sure there’s some part of him that hasn’t been described a hundred times already.

The second thing is that Bella doesn’t consider Eddiekins her boyfriend, or hasn’t even thought about it on those terms, despite being irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him. She had to ASK Edward if that’s what he is. This is all kinds of messed up when you really think about it. Almost immediately after meeting Edward just a couple of times she’d already been professing her “unconditional and irrevocable” love for him, and has made a LOT of grand statements as to her supposed love for Sparklepeen. Yet she hesitates to think of him as her boyfriend?

So this raises the question: if  Bella doesn’t want Sparklepeen as her boyfriend, what does she want?

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? She wants him to fuck her, but she doesn’t necessarily want to be involved with him in any way that extends beyond physical. It’s not his personality she’s constantly praising, after all. This is also evidenced by how she resisted engaging Edward in a discussion that was aimed at getting to know each other a little better. This directly contradicts the very nature of this story, which is supposedly about true love. I’ve yet to see a definition of true love that includes “just want to fuck” as part of the description.


In short, Bella doesn’t want a boyfriend or husband. She wants a fuck buddy. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but Meyer, and much of the fanbase for that matter, seem to confuse that with true love.


Meyer sneaks in another reference to Edward’s vampirism that she imagines to be clever, and then we get a line which totally undermines what little praise I’ve given Meyer in this chapter.




“But he will need some explanation for why I’m around here so much. I don’t want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me.”




Pardon me while I bang my head repeatedly on my desk.

*a few minutes later*

So there we have it. Edward’s real reason for wanting to be introduced to Charlie is not so he can be part of Bella’s life via her family, but rather so he can stalk her without concern of any repercussions. (+1 Red Flag) So much for my optimistic interpretation of his earlier statement. This is also yet another missed opportunity, as it would be the perfect time to explore Bella’s relationship with her father and why she thinks so little of him. You know, that thing we like to call “character development”?

At this point, I’m over halfway through the book and I still have no idea who these people are. All I have is that Bella thinks Edward is pretty and Edward thinks Bella is hot. That’s it. We don’t even have the pretense of conflict via Edward’s blood thirst because it’s been established that he can simply will himself not to act on it. It constantly amazes me that trees were sacrificed to print this drivel. It takes a special kind of incompetence to fill a book with so many words and still manage to say nothing.

Edward decides it’s creepy-touchy time. I don’t know what it is about him, but I wouldn’t drink anything he gave me. They way Meyer describes him touching Bella just creeps the hell out of me.


“He walked slowly around the table, and, pausing a few feet away, he reached out to touch his fingertips to my cheek. His expression was unfathomable.


While I’m sure that phrase had plenty of meaning to Meyer, I’m not Meyer, so she needs to convey that feeling to me, the reader, in a way I can understand without us having to swap brains.

…Ugh! I just scared myself shitless with the thought of swapping brains with that woman.


“Does that make you sad?” I asked.
 He didn’t answer. He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time.


That word makes zero sense in that context. Meyer probably meant something along the lines of she was so lost in his eyes she lost track of time, but saying he stared for an “immeasurable” period of time is just plain wrong. (+1 Eye/Thesaurus Rape)

Sparklepeen orders Bella to get dressed, and she magically appears in her bedroom, picking out clothes. Very surprising, Meyer. I expected it to take at least half a page to describe Bella walking up the stairs. Bella refers to Edward as her, “vampire sweetheart” in narration, and oh, hey, this is interesting.


“It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.”


I’m not sure which word Meyer is referring to here. Is it the word “vampire” or “sweetheart” she’d been shying from? The former makes sense, as Meyer had been tiptoeing around the word. She has used the word vampire before, but in general she treats it in a way similar to how a mildly homophobic person trying to be tolerant would treat the word “gay” around his best friend he’d just learned was homosexual. He may awkwardly allude to his friend’s homosexuality (“I thought you people were … uh … fashionable or something.”) but stop just short of using the actual word for fear of being offensive. Meyer’s handling of the subject of Edward’s vampirism reeks of similar awkwardness, as if the author herself is very uncomfortable addressing it directly.

If it’s the latter then this would be a rather interesting look at how Bella views their “relationship” (You have no idea how badly I need a sarcasm font.). If this is the case, then I think this deserves more expansion, as it could result in character development and perhaps even introduce some much needed conflict into the story. By examining why Bella would hesitate to think of Edward as her “sweetheart” we could learn more about her as a person than all the “what’s your favorite color” questions in the world could tell us.

But that might result in conflict, and since there’s no such thing in Meyerland, this observation is waved away in favor of a description of Bella’s clothes. Bella “bounces” down the stairs (I’m pretty sure there was a member of the DC Legion of Superheroes who was based off a similar concept…) and Edward tells her how she looks. (Surprise, surprise, he thinks she’s hot.) He pecks her on the forehead, which causes “the room to spin”. I can almost hear the laugh track playing in the background.

Then he kisses her on the lips…and she fucking faints.

She then accuses Edward of making her faint. (+1 Stupidity)

Really? Is this meant to be taken seriously? They talk about the fainting, Edward wondering if he should take Bella out in that condition. He changes his mind after he “measures her expression” *eyeroll* and, as if Edward has suddenly become aware that he’s trapped in a stupid book, makes the following observation.


“And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?”


Bella agrees, shocked at Edward’s casual use of the word, “vampire”. Uh, why would he be uncomfortable saying that? He’s been a Meyerpire for over ninety years. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella magically teleports from the house to her truck and exiting the main part of town. I can tell that Meyer is in a big hurry to get to the Cullen’s house, as she glosses over details and I feel like I’m reading a grocery list rather than a book. She resumes her usual wordiness when they reach Casa de Cullen.


“The gloom of the forest didn’t relent, though, for there were six primordial cedars that shaded an entire acre with their vast sweep of branches.”


Primordial? Really?


“The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.”


Someone really needs to file a restraining order against Meyer on the behalf of that poor thesaurus. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Obsolescence refers to a thing going out of style or becoming useless through the changing of the times. Unless those “primordial” cedars were planted after the house was built they could not render a porch obsolete. Not only is it the wrong word, it also contradicts what she’d just written! (+1 Stupidity)


“The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old.”


Wow, a hundred years old! I bet nobody lives in a house that old! Oh, only a large number of the U.S. population. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is such a studious architect that she can also tell that the windows and doors are also part of the original structure. (Or perfect restorations.) She goes on to describe the house as white, three stories, and “well proportioned”. (Which tells us nothing.) Hell, she just described any amount of houses in the USA. If my house were rectangular it would match this description. From Bella’s reaction, I can tell I’m supposed to be impressed, but I’m not feeling it with all those vague terms. What, exactly, makes this house graceful? What gives this house timeless qualities? This is just another case of Meyer asking us to swallow her bullshit without questions.

Here’s an idea, Meyer. Pretend the house is Edward. No, wait, then she’d spend the rest of the book describing the house’s “flawless” architecture and “angelic” windows. Bella would be instantly chagrined when she climbed the front steps and ringing the doorbell would cause her to faint.

Also, the house would stalk her.


“He took my hand easily, without thinking about it.”


Uh, why would he have to think about it? Aren’t they supposed to be “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love? Aren’t they a lion and a lamb? Isn’t Bella Edward’s life now? You’d think for two people with such a deep connection, hand holding would be a given. It certainly wouldn’t be necessary to point out that he doesn’t have to think about it, as if that is somehow out of the ordinary.

Do you see what I mean? Meyer says one thing about their relationship, then Bedward’s actions show another. Meyer pretends this relationship is some fantastic magical thing, when it’s just two kids (Yes, I mean Edward as well; he hasn’t shown much more maturity than your average teenager) dealing with their hormones. Maybe if Meyer had recognized this and built their relationship from there, this book would be okay. But she didn’t. Your ability to see the so-called magic in these books is directly proportional to your willingness to swallow Meyer’s BS.

They walk towards the house, Edward rubbing circles into Bella’s hand. As I mentioned, something about the way Meyer describes Edward touching Bella seems kind of off to me. Bella, ever the architect, makes some comments about the construction of the inside of the house, and at last we get some real details about the place.


‘The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large. This must have originally been several rooms, but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. The back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. A massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. The walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of white. 
 Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edward’s parents.”



One thing does jump out at me: Everything is white. The Cullens, the good guys, are all deathly pale (I’m guessing the Cullen family has a “no blacks allowed” policy.) which has been pointed out several times as an example of their beauty. Even the house they live in is white. The walls are white, the floor is white, the carpet is white. So far the only confirmed non-white people we’ve run into (No, I’m not counting the movie.) have been Jacob & Co. , who are beast-men, and a dirty-looking rapist/name-caller. There seems to be a theme of white=goodness going on here. A more suspicious person might say Meyer was trying to tell us something here.

Meyer uses her drill named, “Edward is perfect” to make it obvious that he’s richer than God, a fact Bella is overjoyed to point out. So, for those of you following at home, the things about Edward that impresses Bella are his looks and his money. Can’t you just feel the twu wuv in the air?

Bella sees Carlisle and Esme and, of course, comes close to wetting the white carpet in her amazement at their pale beauty. Also, they dress to match the house. She immediately shows Carlisle much more respect than she shows her own father (+1 Bitch) , and continuing with the white = goodness theme, she compares Esme to Snow White.


“I’d seen Dr. Cullen before, of course, yet I couldn’t help but be struck again by his youth, his outrageous perfection. At his side was Esme, I assumed, the only one of the family I’d never seen before. She had the same pale, beautiful features as the rest of them. Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era. She was small, slender, yet less angular, more rounded than the others. They were both dressed casually, in light colors that matched the inside of the house. They smiled in welcome, but made no move to approach us. Trying not to frighten me, I guessed.”


Gack. (+1 Cream Count)

Alice bounces down the stairs (Seriously, do people in this book ever just walk anywhere?) and gives Bella a hello peck on the cheek, which shocks everyone. You see, Meyer has been describing Carlisle and Esme as being cautious, on guard to control the bloodlust that only seems to show up either when the plot needs a contrivance or Meyer’s trying to create false tension. Since nothing is ever done with it and it’s been established to be non-threatening, its presence here adds nothing to the scene.

Also, you’d think that at least Carlisle would have an easier time of it. The guy is a friggen doctor. If he has to put that much effort into greeting one girl, what happens when he sees a patient that is bleeding? Oh, wait, nothing happens. Tyler was bleeding when he and Bella were in the hospital and he barely even noticed him. Oh, I get it, he has trouble with Bella because she’s a super special awesome snowflake whose blood smells like flowers. Fucking Mary Sue. (+1 Stupidity)


“I was startled to feel Edward stiffen at my side.”


Oh, God, Meyer! The last thing I want to think about is Edward stiffening! ARG!

Alice tells Bella that she smells nice (Mmmn, tasty flowers. What are they, goats?) and Bella handles this compliment about as well as you’d expect. Cue the “extreme embarrassment.” Jasper shows up and Meyer, of course, doesn’t miss this opportunity to comment on his beauty as well. However, I’ll actually give her some credit; she remembered that stuff she’d previously established about Jasper’s powers and uses that here, though it’s kind of sad that Meyer getting her continuity straight can be considered a noteworthy event. They exchange greetings and Meyer not-so-subtly points out that Edward and Carlisle look at each other meaningfully.

Bella looks at the piano and we finally, FINALLY, learn something of substance about one of the other characters: Bella’s mother. How funny is it that Renee, who’s only appeared in this book once, now officially has more character development than the main characters?

It turns out that in Marty Stu camp, Edward learned to play piano. Bella says that of course she should have known he can play because “Edward can do everything, right?” Meyer is not even bothering to pretend that Edward is anything other than a Gary Stu, so it surprises me that some Twilight fans still get offended at that observation.

It’s official: Edward Cullen is the Wesley Crusher of this book.

It gets to the point where you wonder why any of the other characters are even in this book. They all seemingly exist only to point out how awesome Edward is, talking about him constantly. If Edward is not being talked about its usually because either the plot is busy setting up a way to squeeze in another contrived scene involving Edward, or Meyer is simply too busy giving us flowery descriptions of his looks for the thousandth time.

How can a book devote so much time to a single character and still tell us nothing about him? Those few things we DO learn don’t even add to his personality, but instead serve only to beat us over the head with how super special awesome he is.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at Bella’s thoughts about the piano, and how they relate to Renee and Edward.

First up: Renee.


“She wasn’t really good — she only played for herself on our secondhand upright — but I loved to watch her play. She was happy, absorbed — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the “mom” persona I took for granted. She’d put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.”


See, here we actually learn something about Renee and Bella’s relationship with her. This paragraph shows the bond that exists, and a trait that is not just a bullet point on a list.

Now for Edward:


“No,” she laughed. “Edward didn’t tell you he was musical?” 
”No.” I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes. “I should have known, I guess.”
 Esme raised her delicate eyebrows in confusion.
 “Edward can do everything, right?” I explained.


Here the piano only serves as a tool to make Edward look more awesome. It contributes nothing to his character and is only there to impress the reader. That’s why the piano counts as character development for Renee, and not for Edward. With Renee it explores her personality, her passion, and the time she’d spent with her daughter. With Edward it’s just a fact. This blog is written in English and Edward plays the piano. Those two observations carry the same weight.


“Well, play for her,” Esme encouraged.
 “You just said showing off was rude,” he objected.
 “There are exceptions to every rule,” she replied.”


This only proves my point. With Renee, playing the piano was a moment of bonding with her daughter, but with Edward, it’s just “showing off.” And of course, being Edward, he’s the best damn piano player around.


“And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.”


As if Meyer thinks she was being too subtle, we get this. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.”


I know, I keep going on about the piano thing. It’s just that I see so much potential for character development here that is being ignored for the sake of “Ooh, look at how awesome Edward is! He can play an instrument!” Something that could add depth and soul to Edward is reduced to a meaningless fact.

This just serves to remind us of how shallow this book is, where the closest one gets to (intentional) character development is “what’s your favorite color?” Even THAT is just more Edward body worship, as Bella’s answer to that question was basically whatever color Edward’s eyes happen to be at the time.

Meyer still thinks this is a little too subtle, so she has Edward look up and wink as if this is the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. I’m just going to forget the piano now before I’m compelled to kill again.

As if Meyer didn’t take a big enough of an infodump on us last chapter, it’s Rosalie exposition time! Oh goody. Now I know what you’re thinking, since Rosalie is close by we might get to see Bella interact with her and see some of her personality. If you honestly believe that, you’ve forgotten which book you’re reading. No, Edward exposits about her to Bella. Turns out Rosalie is angsty about being a Meyerpire, and she’s jealous of Bella.


Rosalie is jealous of me?” I asked incredulously. I tried to imagine a universe in which someone as breathtaking as Rosalie would have any possible reason to feel jealous of someone like me.”


Because physical appearance is the only thing that matters! In Meyerland, silly things like personality don’t matter! Pretty people have no problems and anyone pretty couldn’t possibly be jealous of someone less pretty! Ugh, this book makes me sick.

He talks about some other characters and their reactions to Bella-and you know what, this is unexcusable. Christ on a blimp, they’re in THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE! Would it KILL Meyer to actually show Bella talking to some of the other characters and us actually seeing their reactions? There is no reason to take a huge infodump on us. This book makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork. (+1 Stupidity)

I’ve seriously considered adding a bad writing count, but that would mean I would have to go through all old entries to add points, and it would also result in a number higher than the stupidity count.

Christ, isn’t this chapter called, “The Cullens”? Isn’t this supposed to be about meeting Edward’s family? They didn’t even get to do anything! It’s just: “Good to see you, Bella. Oh, here’s a piano. Edward is awesome at the piano. God, Edward is so amazing. Why don’t you play for her, Edward? Oh, do show off Edward. We’ll be going now because the awesomeness of Edward is so absolute that we’re no longer needed in this scene. EDWAAAAAAAARD!!!!”


Anyways, Edward’s got news for Bella.


“I have to, because I’m going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn’t want you to think I’m naturally a tyrant.”


So, he’ll pretty much be the same way he always is. (+1 Stupidity)

Alice and her incredible plot-device powers have seen a  group of other Meyerpires, the variety that eat people. (Like a vampire should.) Naturally, Edward concludes that he has to stalk Bella even more in order to keep her safe.

Um, question. Forks has a population of a few thousand, right? And Edward said the other vamps probably won’t go into town at all. So … why not just ask Bella not to leave town for the next few days? Is he really afraid that they’ll magically zero in on Bella specifically, even though they don’t even know who she is, out of thousands of people, from the outskirts of town, simply because she’s just that special?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is Meyer we’re talking about. Bella’s Mary Sue status will ensure that any danger naturally hones in on her specifically, no matter how little sense it makes. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer chucks the obligatory, “My vampires are different!” schpiel into her clusterfuck of a chapter. Her sparkling vampires (Fairies?) don’t sleep in coffins! Oh, how terribly original!


“No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don’t even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you,” he continued slyly.


On a side note: I find it funny how so many writers try to make vampires different from the myths to the point where “my vampires are different” has itself become a cliché. At this point, writing a story featuring vanilla vampires pulled straight from lore would be a refreshing change. Hell, at this point a bad fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater would be better than this drivel. I mean, even Count von Count was a better vampire than Sparklepeen.

Bella sheds tears of joy at the pure awesomess that Edward’s music is. And then…he tastes them. HE TASTES HER FUCKING TEARS! Am I seriously the only one who realizes how creepy this guy is? (+1 Red Flag!)

Edward gives Bella a tour of the house.


“Rosalie and Emmett’s room… Carlisle’s office… Alice’s room…” He gestured as he led me past the doors.”


Wow, lazy writing much? If anyone wants to go through my previous chapters and give me a bad writing count, I’ll send you cookies.

They stop under a giant hunk of symbolism a large cross that belongs to Carlisle.

They look at it and Edward explains Carlisle’s backstory and-

You know what? I have fucking HAD IT. No more explaining the other characters rather than actually talking to them. I’m skipping this part. For my own sanity I’m no longer going to pay attention to character backstory unless it is either relevant or it’s coming from interactions with the characters themselves.

Someone should totally write me a fanfiction about Count Chocula and a cheese grater.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +14

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Eye Rape: +1

Cream Count: +1

Red Flag: +3

Redemption: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +191

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +59

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +25

Red Flag: +52

Redemption: +7

What this chapter should be called: A guide to telling if your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche.

Edward creep-o-meter: 11.


I really thought chapter 13 was the worst chapter of this book. But then I read this one.

The chapter opens with Edward driving, and it turns out that our super special Meyerpire is a pro at driving normally as well as at breakneck speeds.


“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.”


What, is Bella leaning out the window with a measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) That would be kind of awkward. And is there really anything Edward can’t do perfectly? Hell, I bet on their way home, he foiled Lex Luthor’s nefarious plans, performed open-heart surgery with only a pair of rusty tweezers and a pasta strainer, rescued a kitten from a tree, destroyed a horcrux, and still had time to help a little old lady across the street.


Sign number 1 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He acts dangerously, even after you state your anxiety. (+1 Red Flag)


“Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.”


Um, shouldn’t the sun be causing him to sparkle, completely fucking his cover as an average high school student? Holy plot hole, Batman! (+1 Stupidity) Also, staring into the sun while driving is generally not the best idea.

Edward turns on the radio, and since he’s so sophisticated and classy, he listens to 50’s music. And what, exactly, is 50’s music? All music produced in the 50’s was not the same type. You can’t just say you like the music of a certain decade and expect the other person to understand exactly what you’re talking about. Can you be any more vague, Meyer? Would it really have been so hard to spend 5 minutes on Wikipedia looking up a few band names and genres and at least pretend like you’ve done research? I mean, I know Meyer has some personal hatred towards research, but is it really that hard to use Google? (+1 Stupidity)

Damn, I’m only three paragraphs in and already the stupidity points are falling fast and hard.


Sign number 2 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He’s into jailbait. (+1 Red Flag)


“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
 “Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded.”


My first response to this was, “WTF, buoyant? Does his humor float?” See, this thing is a common mistake among amateur authors. They stick in exotic words that don’t fit in context with the rest of the sentence to just to make it look good. It’s not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella further prods on the subject of age.


“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.”


And as he looks-


It turns out Edward is about 117 years old. That’s not just old, that’s Bilbo Baggins old. Meyer feels the need to continually have Edward look at the sun. Could that be… symbolism?

And then…oh my God, we actually get a backstory! We’re about halfway through the book at this point, and just now we get a backstory! Good writing FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, knowing Meyer, Edward’s backstory will probably be about as stable as a drunken frat boy on roller skates.

To summarize, Edward was born in 1901, and fell ill of the Spanish influenza in 1918. At age 17, Carlisle turned him into a vampire. My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn’t out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.  Personally, I would much rather die than be turned into an immortal blood drinker and have to go to high school for eternity, so I’m not really sure Carlisle was doing Edward a favor there.

“He acted from loneliness. That’s usually the reason behind the choice.”

So, we’ve already established that Carlisle didn’t act from compassion, but when choosing a companion, he chooses a 17 year old boy? Umm…ho yay?


“But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us … I don’t think you could find his equal throughout all of history.”


Okay, I get the dude saved your life and all, but no equal throughout all of history? Really?


“I was the first in Carlisle’s family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff.

They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating.”


Oh, Meyer, how do I put this gently?


Bella asks if you need to be dying to be transformed.


“No, that’s just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice.”


Except they all did have another choice, which was dying. And not to mention the fact that they were all changed without any sort of consent. So given what we know, how compassionate is Carlisle really? He works as a doctor, that’s a plus, but that doesn’t make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money than God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No, he buys a private island, but he doesn’t build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I’m not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he’s most definitely NOT the most compassionate person that’s ever been.

Next in the family was Rosalie.


“Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn’t realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him — he was careful with his thoughts around me.”


Gee, am I the only one sensing a pattern here?

Anyway, Rosalie then found Emmett in Appalachia, while he was being mauled by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally, I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that saps the drama out of this story.

SHE’S A FUCKING MEYERPIRE! She’s nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn’t get tired or fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn’t she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes absolutely no sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella begins to tear up, not because she’s incredibly touched by the story, but rather more concerned with, “the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Thank God I haven’t eaten recently, or else I’d be wiping vomit off my keyboard…again. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward notes that sometime they live separately, as husband and wife, but not now since they’ve enrolled in high school, a idea that I have proven as incredibly stupid.


Sign number 3 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He is a 117 year old creeper who hangs around high schools. (+1 Red Flag)


Who exactly are they putting on this show for, anyway? They don’t have any friends outside of themselves, they’re not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was “perfect,” but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn’t the best choice. They’d be better off in a major city where it’s easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore, there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there’d be no one around to notice. Sheesh. Go live in a log cabin or something.

Here’s a map of the population density of the USA. Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much thought into his choice of location as Meyer did into this book. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward moves onto the topic of Alice and Jasper, giving Alice much more focus than Jasper.


“Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.”


Nice one, Meyer. I see what you did there. The atheists must be evil without a man in the sky telling them what to do. Insert witty Mormon joke here.

It appears Alice has a gift of her very own.


“That’s true. She knows other things. She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming.

But it’s very subjective. The future isn’t set in stone. Things change.”


Well, that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it? By these rules, Alice can do no wrong. If she’s right, she gets the credit, and if she’s wrong, no biggie, the future’s subjective. Now that Meyer’s put this in place, Alice can basically be used whenever it’s convenient to the plot, and no one can question her since there’s no concrete rules that her power follows. Holy plot device, Batman!

The rest of the section is as miserably boring as an encyclopedia entry. For all you budding writers out there, there’s a difference between world-building and smashing the reader repeatedly into giant walls of text.

So far, this whole chapter has just been Meyer taking a huge steaming infodump all over the reader. Because, you know, having a character explain the backstory of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It’s also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them. Why, imagine how much easier it would have been if Dumbledore just told Harry (Spoiler, but if you haven’t read that book by now, you’re probably living under a rock somewhere and therefore don’t have internet, so.) he was the last horcrux, or if Uncle Ben just told Luke that Darth Vader was his father, Or Professor X just told Cyclops why Magneto was so fucked up. How effortless and boring!

They finally arrive at Bella’s house, and Edward explains more why they chose to live in Forks.


“Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?” he teased. “Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There’s a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It’s nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn’t believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years.”


Oh, where to begin?

First off, the Olympic Peninsula is not one of the most sunless places in the world. America, maybe, but not the world.

And there’s another issue I have with the sparkling. Meyer does realize that there is still sunlight, even on cloudy days? Otherwise it would be dark as night, which it obviously is not. Hell, the Meyerpires should technically sparkle when exposed to indoor lighting too. I know Twitards are tired of hearing criticism about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on any level. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward spells out a bit more of Alice’s SuPer MySteRiOuS past for us. You know what would be interesting? If Alice actually told us this.

Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Rosebud is the sled, and the man on the floor was really Jigsaw, Bella’s stomach growls, which is apparently a cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Edward says he should probably leave, but Bella says she wants to stay with him.


“I want to stay with you.” It was easier to say in the darkness, knowing as I spoke how my voice would betray me, my hopeless addiction to him.


One shot, plus a penalty shot if you’ve already forgotten about our little game. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.”


Will you give it a rest already?!? Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You’ve already established that he’s physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love? (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pretty much invites himself in, walks out, and opens up the truck’s door for her. Of course, he was using his amazing Meyerpire speed, so it was more like he teleported. You know what? It would be really funny if he tripped while moving at hyper speed. He proceeds to open the house door.


“He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
 “The door was unlocked?”
 “No, I used the key from under the eave.”


Sign number 4 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He knows how to break into your house and does so frequently. (+1 Red Flag)


“I was curious about you.”
 “You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
 He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”



………………………*stares openmouthed at book*


Well, there you have it, she was not creeped out at all she was flattered I WISH I WAS READING AN ACTUAL BOOK INSTEAD OF A PDF SO I COULD SET IT ON FIRE.



Deep calming breaths…

I mean, I’m sorry about the liberal dropping of the F-bomb, but really? This girl is so dense she has no problem with someone breaking into her house? This is just so monumentally idiotic, I just…I need some time to think. *retreats to happy corner*


‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Okay, I’m good, I’m good.


Edward’s behavior is totally unacceptable. I’m sure the issue of how to spend one’s night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward’s attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It’s not just that he’s stalking Bella, it’s how he views it. He treats it as if it’s no big deal, as if it’s his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+2 Red Flag, I just can’t get over this.)

And Bella just shakes it off. No. Just no. This is not a thing we just let go. This is a think where you grab the nearest blunt object and beat him repeatedly over the head with it.

Edward makes his way to the kitchen, where his beauty, “lit up” the whole place. (gag) Bella asks a very valid question.


Sign number 5 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He watches you sleep. Every night. (+1 Red Flag)


“How often?” I asked casually.
 “Hmmm?” He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of thought.
 I still didn’t turn around. “How often did you come here?”
 “I come here almost every night.”
 I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
 “You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”


This is so creepy I don’t know what to say. Imagine this: Picture yourself in a house late at night. You were hired to watch a neighbor’s kid and are just waiting for her to get back when the phone rings.


You: Hi, the Smiths aren’t in right now. Can I take a message?

Glittery Stalker: You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.


He then informs you, that yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward’s words are creepy, disturbing, and just plain wrong. Don’t even try to tell me that all the, “twu wuv” crap justify his actions. The dude breaks into HER FUCKING HOUSE! He has NO right at ALL to do this. It’s not only Bella’s privacy he’s invading, it’s also Charlie’s, and seeing how Charlie is a cop, I can imagine this would not sit well with him at all.

I mean, how would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, Twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.


“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for


Take as shot.

There, Bella! Are you finally realizing what kind of sicko you’re dealing with? Run, tell him to leave, do something! Get the hell away from that nutjob!


“I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.”


*stares blankly*


Am I reading this right? Not even Bella fucking Swan can be this stupid. I’m sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.


“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.”


He said the magic word!


“Are you very angry with me?”

”That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.


Yeah, Bella! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!


“On?” he urged.
 “What you heard!” I wailed.


*jaw drops*






Welcome to Twilight Reviewer 5. Loading OS.

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Restarting Reviewer application.

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Restoring application to last restore point.

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

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How do I begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that a guy broke into her house multiple times, watched her sleep, and completely invaded her privacy, yet her biggest concern is that she talks in her sleep. My Lord, one stupidity point just isn’t enough. Two won’t properly convey my feelings. So I give you a first in the history of this blog. (+3 Stupidity)

This isn’t just stupid, this is Darwin Award stupid.


“Don’t be upset!” he pleaded. He dropped his face to the level of my eyes, holding my gaze. I was
embarrassed. I tried to look away.


Just take shot.

Has anyone else noticed that Bella’s emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation?

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out early on in chapter 1, is entirely Bella’s fault and was completely avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn’t she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she’s back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep…a lot.

Can’t you just imagine Edward hunched over in a corner of Bella’s room at night, playing with himself and sniffing Bella’s dirty panties?


Bella: *asleep* Edward…..

Edward: Oh, yeah, baby! Say my name, Bella! Say it! *sniffs panties* SAY MY NAME, BITCH!


Charlie comes home, and Edward displays his newest superpower: teleportation.


“Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
 “Should your father know I’m here?” he asked.
 “I’m not sure…” I tried to think it through quickly.
 “Another time then…”

And I was alone.
 “Edward!” I hissed.
 I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.”


I hate to break it to ya, Sparklepeen, but you are not Batman. You just kind of look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left. (+1 Red Flag)

Then again, it could just be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be “ghostly,” as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go “wwoOoOo!” or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn’t? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That’s not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a “ghostly” chuckle, I’d call a fuckin’ priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Charlie enters the house.


“Bella?” he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn’t seem so far off base.”


I find it incredibly hilarious how hard Bella tries to make Charlie look like an idiot, considering the boundless stupidity she’s demonstrated in the last few chapters. Note how she doesn’t even pause to consider what Edward’s repeated break-ins may mean to Charlie. What a self-centered bitch. (+1 Stupidity/Bitch)


“His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.”


Edward moves awfully lightly for someone made of stone, don’t you think?


“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off,
holding the back of Edward’s chair for support.”


Edward’s chair? If this were any other person I’d assume the words were meant as “the chair Edward had sat in,” but given Bella/Meyer’s track record, it wouldn’t  surprise me if Bella now considers that “Edward’s chair,” in the possessive sense, just because he’d sat in it once.

Oh, and Bella’s tongue is set on fire by lasagna. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.


Oh no she didn’t!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough she bitches at her classmates based on their appearance, but her own father? (+1 Bitch) It creeps me out enough that Bella compares her father  to someone she’d like to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don’t meet her prettiness standards.


“It was a nice day,” he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.”




“Charlie surprised me by being observant. “In a hurry?”


Yeah, because Bella’s been oh-so subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. The way this girl talks about her father you’d think he’d be in a program for the mentally challenged. (+1 Bitch)


“You look kinda keyed up,” he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?”


Because he’s your father, you stupid slut! My God, taking care of you is his job! Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

Now, I’m not saying he can’t get on her nerves, she is a teenager, after all. But she doesn’t so much as pay lip service to Charlie’s authority as her father. I think Charlie needs to put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her GODDAMN FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

The only way that this situation could work would be if that Bella had an actual character. (Gasp! I said the c-word!) Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But nooo! That would mean there would be c…co..c..c…conflict! No sir, everything must be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland! No conflict, no struggling to deal with personal issues, no bothersome real-life complications! It’s all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever! YAAAAAAAY!!!

The worst part of this scenario, in all its awfulness, is that we’re actually supposed to sympathize  with Bella.


“It’s Saturday,” he mused.
 I didn’t respond.
 “No plans tonight?” he asked suddenly.”


How could he have asked it suddenly when it directly relates to a previous statement? If Meyer had deleted the two lines before it, then it would be sudden. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you remember way back in chapter 6 (Honestly, it might have been chapter 5 or 7, they all blend together after awhile.)  when I said that Meyer robbed her characters of all personality by explaining their every action? Here’s another example of that.


“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.


WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she thinks of it as a quest? Does she see a giant flashing exclamation point over Charlie’s head whenever she talks to him? Any competent author could get that point across without blatantly stating that. Jesus Christ, where in the name of God’s green earth was Meyer’s editor for sentences like these? (+1 Stupidity) 


Sign number 6 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He turns you against your friends and family. (+1 Red Flag)


“Well, you’re too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking.” Every father’s dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.

”Sounds like a good idea to me,” I agreed as I headed up the stairs. 

”‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out. 

”See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.”


What…a…bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Aside from the incredibly stupid cliché, you know what I find hilarious? The fact that Bella is pissed that her own father might be checking on her, when Edward breaks into her house EVERY NIGHT! And it is ever so romantic! ARGH!

Bella keeps her streak going by tricking Charlie into thinking that she’s gone to bed. The first thing she does is open her window to call out for Edward, which isn’t a problem because he’s already laying on her bed-

Wait, what?


“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.”


Did…did he…he actually just went and…


*several minutes later*



God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive. (+2 Red Flag)

What worries me most is the loads of Twitards who wish Edward was real. It makes me weep that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls screaming in their unnaturally high-pitched voices, “He did it because he wuvs her!” or, “It’s just a story!”  Here’s something that proves complete bullshit of the whole fiasco: Would you be nearly as forgiving with a guy who was overweight and ugly, even if he did truly love you? If you said no, you’re a filthy hypocrite. If you said yes, I still have some hope for humanity after all. I’m sorry, but Edward doesn’t get to screw the rules because he’s pretty.

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. It is written in the book. He picks her up as if she’s a fuckin’ toddler. The man treats the girl as if she’s a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

Bella’s ticker gives out again. Sheesh, will she just get that checked out already?


“Can I have a minute to be human?” I asked.


Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word “human” back and forth. While I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

It also bothers me incredibly that Bella has to basically ask permission for a personal moment.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That’s what you do if you’re in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she’d have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.



“The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.”


Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

Bella goes downstairs to deceive her father once again, then sprints to her room to eye-hump Sparklepeen some more.


“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.”


Good God, what is is with this girl and her measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) At least the comparison to Adonis might make sense, it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she’s sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn’t really given any indication of that, and this is all guesswork on Bella’s part, but I’m sure she’s absolutely right on this. She’s a Mary Sue, after all, and they’re always right unless it’s convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward makes out with Bella Eskimo-style again, and while he’s doing that, Bella asks whys it’s so easy for him to be close to her now. Then comes an ass pull so tremendous it makes me want to blue screen again.


“I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed. “Mind over matter.”


Knock ‘em back, folks.

Sweet Jesus, where do I begin?

Remember when every other word out of Edward’s mouth was telling Bella how dangerous he was and how she should stay away while he hypocritically stalked her? Remember that speech about how vampire thirst was the strongest thing out there, and even the strongest vampires could slip?

All bullshit.

Every. Last. Word.

All that tension Meyer’s been trying to build about how dangerous Edward is, well…, it’s gone. She fucking wasted our time on something she was going to retcon 14 chapters in. That is 7 weeks of my life I will never  get back. FUCK!

Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. AND THAT WAS ON THE FUCKING BACK COVER!

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that’s that. Isn’t that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much. I’m sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That’s the same thing as character growth, isn’t it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what’s up.


“Did I do something wrong?”


YA THINK? You fucking stalk her, you break into her house, carry her like a toddler, and order her about like she’s your property.

Did I mention the stalking?


“No — the opposite. You’re driving me crazy,” I explained.


I get the feeling that Meyer doesn’t quite understand what the dash means. It is in no way a substitute for a comma, Meyer!

Sparklepeen goes on about how amazing Bella is, and reveals that he’s a virgin, having never been with a girl in 100+ years, and Bella is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. Ugh! Could Meyer make it a little clearer that Bella is a giant Sue?!?

For another thing, this obviously means Edward’s got some issues here. Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right? Yeah. I’ve seen fans defend Edward’s actions by citing his virginity, and how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is “who’s fault is that?”

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what’s stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)


“I’d never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so… human.


Shut up, shut up, just shut the hell up! Edward has never acted anything but human. Has he ever demonstrated anything that could be considered non-human? If he weren’t human he’d be packing away Bella’s severed body parts and choosing which to have as a snack later.


“So there’s no possibility now?”
 “Mind over matter,” he repeated, smiling, his teeth bright even in the darkness.




I’m just going to speed this up before I smash my laptop in a blind rage.

Edward bitches about how hard his struggle is, completely contradicting what he said earlier. (+1 Stupidity) I’m willing to bet that Edward’s bloodlust is only a problem when it’s convenient for the plot.


“Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.” But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.”


Wow, Meyer. Is that really the sort of imagery you want to bring to mind? Take a shot. Prisoners and shackles? It’s a good metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn’t what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the whole, “lion and the lamb” thing. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward talks about how difficult it is to be in love as opposed to just reading about it, and Bella agrees. I cracked up when she says that love was more “forceful” than she imagined. Because love should in no way be forceful. I still have a problem believing that Bedward are actually in love, seeing as the just technically went on their first date.

Sparklepeen tells Bella why he started breaking into her room. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic gesture, think again. Edward did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That’s not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from schoolboy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control whatsoever.

What exactly was the point of that, anyway? All Mike did was ask, and Bella says no. Why be jealous? If Bella had said yes, that might almost be a credible reason, but that would cause conflict, and we simply can’t have that.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn’t a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, going so far as to trap her in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of who asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? What happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another God awful book again.

Get your story straight and try some form of consistency, Meyer. (And no, I don’t count consistently sucking as a form of consistency.) (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 7 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He frequently proclaims moral superiority over you.


“That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.”



Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella’s talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie simply mentioned Mike’s name. He then says “of course,” as in, “of course I’ve been eavesdropping on you, Bella,” as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!  (+1 Red Flag)

I’ll give Edward some credit for at least admitting he’s in the wrong, Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn’t realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a bastard.

Edward’s jealousy is so idiotic that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella “awakening the human” in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn’t have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity, or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie’s physical appearance.


Edward: You don’t understand how insanely jealous I’ve been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks!

Edward: Don’t worry, Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we’ve discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you’re more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!


That’s pretty much their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward starts on a long-winded speech about how OMFG special Bella (Seriously, just saying her name will create double rainbows, summon unicorns, and cause the very gates of heaven to open and the angels will burst forth in song and dance, scattering tulips wherever they go. That’s how special she is.) is, which only serves to point out how big of a Mary-Sue Bella is, and stroke Meyer’s (and the audience’s) ego, since Bella is a giant self insert. Turns out Edward wasn’t complete in nearly ninety years of existence because Bella hadn’t been born yet.


“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”


You hear that, guys? YOU are so special that the world was a vast, empty place filled with darkness, despair, and the smell of feet until you came along. No wonder people like this book, you’d never need toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

This whole book is pure wish fulfillment. I bet there are plenty of people who’d love to have someone say this kind of stuff to them, and Twilight is telling them exactly what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its most unadulterated form.

Edward then clams up tighter than a virgin on prom night.


“What —” I started to ask, when his body became alert.”


Take a shot.

Charlie comes up to check on Bella, and afterwards, Edward climbs into bed with her. I guess at this point I really shouldn’t be that surprised. He comments that her scent is mouthwatering, like lavender or freesia or something. Um, I don’t know about you guys, but when I smell flowers, the last thing I want to do is eat them. It would make a helluva lot more sense if she smelled like pepperoni pizza or something. (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 8 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He won’t discuss mature things like sex with you.


He paused. “Should I sing you to sleep?”
 “Right,” I laughed. “Like I could sleep with you here!”
 “You do it all the time,” he reminded me.
 “But I didn’t know you were here,” I replied icily.
 “So if you don’t want to sleep…” he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
 “If I don’t want to sleep… ?”

He chuckled. “What do you want to do then?”
 I couldn’t answer at first.
 “I’m not sure,” I finally said.
 “Tell me when you decide.”


Bella asks Edward why he doesn’t eat humans, and he gives another long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah fuckety fuck fuck. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They idealize human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they’re not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers, and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer’s clusterfuck of a story.

You know what I don’t get? Why Meyer tries to give us a scientific explanation for certain aspects of her desecrators of the vampire name, such as why they sparkle, why they’re not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when by all her standards it should be impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you’re dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her shitty vampires aren’t harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical, yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

Either make them magical or completely scientific, Meyer. Given the loose grasp you seem to have on most scientific concepts, I’d recommend the former. (+1 Stupidity)


Sign number 9 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He rejects your thoughts and ideas regardless of evidence. (+1 Red Flag)


“Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don’t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”


I see what you did there, Meyer. Slip some religious ideals in, regardless of the evidence about evolution. (While I have nothing against Mormons or any religion, I just can’t resist calling bullshit on Meyer.) This is what I mean about needing to decide whether your vamps are magical or scientific, Meyer!

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don’t need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How ‘bout actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.


“I’m glad you can’t read my thoughts. It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.”


People find this romantic HOW?

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. ‘Scuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it’s too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same “I’m dangerous, stay away” crap we’ve been hearing nonstop throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I’m giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I’ve covered. I’ll quote one example for context, but it’s one of many.


“He seemed to deliberate for a moment.”


Who the hell thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


Sign number 10 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He constantly threatens you with death. (+1 Red Flag)


“That’s certainly a problem. But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.” His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. “If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”


Anyone who likes Twilight has obviously not been in an abusive relationship. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks Edward if they’ll ever get married, even though they’ve only been dating, for like, a day. Then he sings her to sleep. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. (+1 Cream Count) I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

Someone put me out of my misery.


Final Count:

Stupidity: +22

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +7

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +15


Total Count:

Stupidity: +177

Angst: +21

Bitch: +66

Thesaurus Rape: +54

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +24

Red Flag: +49

Redemption: +6