Preface, in which we get the first hint of the minty-fresh hell to come.

Chapter 1: Ultimatum, in which Edward tells Bella which friends she can and can’t have – to protect her, I’m sure.

Chapter 2: Evasion, in which there is no actual evasion, but Edward does disable Bella’s truck to stop her from seeing Jacob. Broken legs are probably next.

Chapter 3: Motives, in which Jacob 2.0 is a total badass.

Chapter 4: Nature, in which Bella magically grows a spine.

Chapter 5: Imprint, in which werewolves are pedophiles.

Chapter 6: Switzerland, in which Edward is creepy and kidnapping is passed off as “love.”

Chapter 7: Unhappy Ending, in which we try to make Rosalie interesting. Also, Jacob is a badass. (Again.)

Chapter 8: Temper, in which werewolves are still pedophiles.

Chapter 9: Target, in which Edward is a dick and Alice’s powers are nonsense.

Chapter 10: Scent, in which the coming plot is only a mystery if you are the worst detective ever.

Chapter 11: Legends, in which we listen to some bullshit werewolf stories.

Chapter 12: Time, in which we are supposed to care about what Bella thinks.

Chapter 13: Newborn, in which Jasper’s backstory is kind of awesome.

Chapter 14: Declaration, in which the Cullens are idiots and Jacob could do so much better.

Chapter 15: Wager, in which NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JACOB WHY

Chapter 16: Epoch, in which there is absolutely nothing of importance.

Chapter 17: Alliance, in which we have a completely necessary graduation party.

Chapter 18: Instruction, in which the trick to killing newborn vampires is incredibly lame. Also, Alice’s powers are still nonsense.

Chapter 19: Selfish, in which Bella is the most horrible bitch that’s ever lived.

Chapter 20: Compromise, in which all we talk about is sex.

Chapter 21: Trails, in which Meyer can’t write dialogue for the life of her.

Chapter 22: Fire and Ice, in which the nothing makes sense, and I still have more werewolf questions. (Question 46. If you run a long way in wolf form, are your legs sore when you turn back to a human?)

Chapter 23: Monster, in which we have some more fun with force-kissing.

Chapter 24: Snap Decision, in which Seth is my new third favorite character. (Sorry, Mike.)

Chapter 25: Mirror, in which the Volturi finally show up, because reasons.

Chapter 26: Ethics, in which Jacob and Bella talk about stuff I don’t care about.

Chapter 27: Needs, in which I NEED this book to grow a plot.

Epilogue: Choice, in which Jacob is the biggest sadsack that was ever sad.

The Eclipse Recap

Final Book Count:

Stupidity: +343

Angst: +23

Bitch: +52

Thesaurus Rape: +49

Eye Rape: +5

Cream Count: +11

Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15

Redemption: +10

Murmur: 93

Glower: 16

  1. Companion says:

    You do a great job reviewing this senseless waste of trees. Please continue ASAP. I find the review quite entertaining.

  2. scudbucket says:

    Cannot wait to see what else you come up with, i really enjoyed it!

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