Preface, in which we get the first hint of the minty-fresh hell to come.
Chapter 1: Ultimatum, in which Edward tells Bella which friends she can and can’t have – to protect her, I’m sure.
Chapter 2: Evasion, in which there is no actual evasion, but Edward does disable Bella’s truck to stop her from seeing Jacob. Broken legs are probably next.
Chapter 3: Motives, in which Jacob 2.0 is a total badass.
Chapter 4: Nature, in which Bella magically grows a spine.
Chapter 5: Imprint, in which werewolves are pedophiles.
Chapter 6: Switzerland, in which Edward is creepy and kidnapping is passed off as “love.”
Chapter 7: Unhappy Ending, in which we try to make Rosalie interesting. Also, Jacob is a badass. (Again.)
Chapter 8: Temper, in which werewolves are still pedophiles.
Chapter 9: Target, in which Edward is a dick and Alice’s powers are nonsense.
Chapter 10: Scent, in which the coming plot is only a mystery if you are the worst detective ever.
Chapter 11: Legends, in which we listen to some bullshit werewolf stories.
Chapter 12: Time, in which we are supposed to care about what Bella thinks.
Chapter 13: Newborn, in which Jasper’s backstory is kind of awesome.
Chapter 14: Declaration, in which the Cullens are idiots and Jacob could do so much better.
Chapter 15: Wager, in which NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JACOB WHY
Chapter 16: Epoch, in which there is absolutely nothing of importance.
Chapter 17: Alliance, in which we have a completely necessary graduation party.
Chapter 18: Instruction, in which the trick to killing newborn vampires is incredibly lame. Also, Alice’s powers are still nonsense.
Chapter 19: Selfish, in which Bella is the most horrible bitch that’s ever lived.
Chapter 20: Compromise, in which all we talk about is sex.
Chapter 21: Trails, in which Meyer can’t write dialogue for the life of her.
Chapter 22: Fire and Ice, in which the nothing makes sense, and I still have more werewolf questions. (Question 46. If you run a long way in wolf form, are your legs sore when you turn back to a human?)
Chapter 23: Monster, in which we have some more fun with force-kissing.
Chapter 24: Snap Decision, in which Seth is my new third favorite character. (Sorry, Mike.)
Chapter 25: Mirror, in which the Volturi finally show up, because reasons.
Chapter 26: Ethics, in which Jacob and Bella talk about stuff I don’t care about.
Chapter 27: Needs, in which I NEED this book to grow a plot.
Epilogue: Choice, in which Jacob is the biggest sadsack that was ever sad.
Final Book Count:
Thesaurus Rape: +49
Eye Rape: +5
Cream Count: +11
Red Flag: Sparklepeen +82 Wolfballs +15