Preface, in which it’s made clear that melodrama will totally be whoring herself out during this book.

Chapter 1: First Sight, in which we meet our insipid doormat of a heroine.

Chapter 2: Open Book, in which nothing happens.

Chapter 3: Phenomenon, in which Bella is almost killed by a van and Edward demonstrates his super sparkle powers.

Chapter 4: Invitations, in which Bella hates men and Edward is hella creepy.

Chapter 5: Blood Type, in which Edward shows his true colors as a controlling stalker.

Chapter 6: Scary Stories, in which we learn that listening to some story from a kid you haven’t seen in ages is better than the word of God, and also, Bella is a shameless strumpet.

Chapter 7: Nightmare, in which Bella has an emo moment and then blames the state of Washington for her own stupidity.

Chapter 8: Port Angeles, in which Bella is a little idiot and Edward is a sociopathic hero.

Chapter 9: Theory, in which the super sparkle powers start to rear their ugly little heads.

Chapter 10: Interrogations, in which Bella is a bitch to everyone for no good reason.

Chapter 11: Complications, in which Edward becomes the Highlander.

Chapter 12: Balancing, in which every second of Bella’s day is worthy of a front page headline.

Chapter 13: Confessions, in which OH GOD MY EYES MY EYES.

Chapter 14: Mind Over Matter, in which we discover that this book lies to you.

Chapter 15: The Cullens, in which we learn that Edward is the greatest human being that has ever lived.

Chapter 16: Carlisle, in which we’re supposed to like Carlisle, but honestly, he’s creepier than Edward.

Chapter 17: The Game, in which plot starts to happen.

Chapter 18: The Hunt, in which Edward is a gigantic asshole to Bella for being too delicious.

Chapter 19: Goodbyes, in which the plot starts to choke.

Chapter 20: Impatience, in which I learn that Meyer’s too incompetent to even use Google.

Chapter 21: Phone Call, in which Bella realizes that she’s freakin’ useless.

Chapter 22: Hide and Seek, in which OH MY GOD WAS THAT A PLOT TWIST?

Chapter 23: The Angel, in which the climax of this book is possibly the most disappointing thing ever.

Chapter 24: An Impasse, in which Bella perfects her “falling down the stairs” excuse.

Crap, there’s an epilogue.

The Twilight Recap.


The Twilight tally:

Stupidity: +285

Angst: +29

Bitch: +78

Thesaurus Rape: +78

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +30

Red Flag: +75

Redemption: +9

Tacomagic’s points from the peanut gallery:

Stupidity: +13, which rounds off our grand total to +298.

  1. "Lyle" says:

    The index is nice. It’s so much easier to find specific chapters this way. I like the “summary” you put with each one, too. Had I been drinking anything at “in which OH GOD MY EYES MY EYES” it would have been splattered on my monitor.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I really like the index 🙂
    It makes it so much easier to get to other chapters ;D

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