Preface, in which it’s made clear that melodrama will totally be whoring herself out during this book.
Chapter 1: First Sight, in which we meet our insipid doormat of a heroine.
Chapter 2: Open Book, in which nothing happens.
Chapter 3: Phenomenon, in which Bella is almost killed by a van and Edward demonstrates his super sparkle powers.
Chapter 4: Invitations, in which Bella hates men and Edward is hella creepy.
Chapter 5: Blood Type, in which Edward shows his true colors as a controlling stalker.
Chapter 6: Scary Stories, in which we learn that listening to some story from a kid you haven’t seen in ages is better than the word of God, and also, Bella is a shameless strumpet.
Chapter 7: Nightmare, in which Bella has an emo moment and then blames the state of Washington for her own stupidity.
Chapter 8: Port Angeles, in which Bella is a little idiot and Edward is a sociopathic hero.
Chapter 9: Theory, in which the super sparkle powers start to rear their ugly little heads.
Chapter 10: Interrogations, in which Bella is a bitch to everyone for no good reason.
Chapter 11: Complications, in which Edward becomes the Highlander.
Chapter 12: Balancing, in which every second of Bella’s day is worthy of a front page headline.
Chapter 13: Confessions, in which OH GOD MY EYES MY EYES.
Chapter 14: Mind Over Matter, in which we discover that this book lies to you.
Chapter 15: The Cullens, in which we learn that Edward is the greatest human being that has ever lived.
Chapter 16: Carlisle, in which we’re supposed to like Carlisle, but honestly, he’s creepier than Edward.
Chapter 17: The Game, in which plot starts to happen.
Chapter 18: The Hunt, in which Edward is a gigantic asshole to Bella for being too delicious.
Chapter 19: Goodbyes, in which the plot starts to choke.
Chapter 20: Impatience, in which I learn that Meyer’s too incompetent to even use Google.
Chapter 21: Phone Call, in which Bella realizes that she’s freakin’ useless.
Chapter 22: Hide and Seek, in which OH MY GOD WAS THAT A PLOT TWIST?
Chapter 23: The Angel, in which the climax of this book is possibly the most disappointing thing ever.
Chapter 24: An Impasse, in which Bella perfects her “falling down the stairs” excuse.
MOVIE TIME! Part 1
The Twilight tally:
Thesaurus Rape: +78
Eye Rape: +12
Cream Count: +30
Red Flag: +75
Tacomagic’s points from the peanut gallery:
Stupidity: +13, which rounds off our grand total to +298.