What this chapter should be called: Will Someone Shut Up and Listen to Poor Tyler?
Now that I’ve sloshed through the hip-deep piles of bull that were chapters one and two, I think I deserve some non-painful reading. Because if I have to listen to one of Bella’s school days again, I will throw my computer across the room, which will be very bad for both me and the computer. So, chapter three begins with snow. Bella wakes up and it’s snowy outside. To start out her morning fresh, I’m treated to a little bit of whining.
“I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry; it might be safer for me to go back to bed now. ”
What? Bella falls down a lot? I never- oh, that’s be because Meyer only tells us about Bella falling down, and we never actually see her fall down.
Charlie’s already at work, so Bella goes downstairs and eats, and- shocker! – Is actually excited to go to school. Could it be for her new friends? Or is she doing something exciting in class? Or-
“I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.”
“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.”
Finally, Bella, we agree on something.
Why is Bella so obsessed with this guy anyway? He’s said about ten things to her and five of those were about the weather. Anyway, Bella thinks about Edward for a while, gets in her truck, drives off to school and thinks about Mike and Eric. This isn’t feeling much more promising than chapter two, in which absolutely nothing fucking happened.
“Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between.”
The fuck? Did Meyer live under a rock during all of her high school years? The “big city girl” wouldn’t be a novelty by high school. Most teenagers have visited or seen a big city by the time they’re in high school. This might fly in elementary school, but it wouldn’t last for long. (+1 Stupidity)
“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.”
Sweetie, you aren’t clumsy. I swear, if your ego was any bigger, you couldn’t fit through the door. (+1 Bitch)
So she gets to school and notices she’s had an unusually easy time with the ice.
“There were thin chains crisscrossed in diamond shapes around them. Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.”
This is just proving my point that Charlie is a fantastic dad. A cookie for Meyer for not making Bella bitch about this, too. (+1 Redemption)
“It was a high-pitched screech, and it was fast becoming painfully loud. I looked up, startled.”
Oooh! Action! Bella looks up and a van has spun out on the ice and is hurtling towards her in a path of fiery death and destruction! (This van now ties with Charlie for favorite character.)
“Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock.”
Okay, so there are a lot of people around. Remember this, cause it’s about to get important. Something knocks Bella out of the way, and she hits her head on the blacktop. Goddammit, Meyer, why?
“Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.”
Of course Bella isn’t hurt! She’s a fucking sue! Oh, and by the way:
of, pertaining to, or resulting from divine providence : providential care.
So are we saying it was an act of God that Edward’s hands fit in the dent? Meyer uses the word in the wrong way. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“Then his hands moved so fast they blurred.”
Super happy fun experiment time! Put your hand in about a foot in front of your face, and wave it like you’re smacking Bella in the face repeatedly. Does it appear to blur? Meyer, you’re an idiot. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward asks Bella if she’s all right. I don’t give a fuck if she’s all right. Remember what I told you? There were “a sea of faces”, which is Meyer’s way of saying that there was a crapton of people around. So Edward moves super fast in front of a crapton of people and potentially exposed himself. (Meyer, if your first hundred pages depend on mystery, don’t stick, “Edward was a vampire” on the back. (+1 Stupidity)). So Eddie just blew his cover, and then:
“One was suddenly gripping under the body of the van, and something was dragging me, swinging my legs around like a rag doll’s, till they hit the tire of the tan car. A groaning metallic thud hurt my ears, and the van settled, glass popping, onto the asphalt — exactly where, a second ago, my legs had been.”
So not only does Edward move super-duper fast, he also holds the van up, then drops it back down. While there are 100+ people watching. Does everyone in Forks spontaneously contract amnesia right at this very moment? I have found the mother of all plot holes in chapter three. (+1 Stupidity) Bella tries to get up, and then asks Edward how he got to her so fast. She claims he was four cars away from her.
“His expression turned hard. “No, I wasn’t.”
Edward Cullen, master of deception.
God, this book sucks.
So Bella tries to make Edward explain it to her, and it’s not working so well. The paramedics get there, and put Bella on a stretcher.
“I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace”
Because it would totally suck to actually have something wrong and die! The EMT’s are only trying to do their jobs. (+1 Bitch)
“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away. ”
Because it must be so awful to have a father that cares about you! There totally aren’t loads of kids who would kill to have a dad like that! (+1 Bitch) Charlie asks the closest EMT how Bella is. But all Bella can do is look at the Cullen family sans Eddiekins.
“And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother’s safety.”
I can’t even think of something funny to say about this.
Bella rides in the ambulance to the hospital, and is put in the emergency room she takes the “stupid-looking neck brace” off, because of course Bella-Sue knows more about medical treatment than the EMTs. (+1 Bitch) Tyler Crowley comes in to the emergency room next, and it was his van that almost hit Bella (Yay Tyler!) and, like a rational person would, worries about the person that he almost killed and begins apologizing.
“Tyler looked a hundred times worse than I felt. But he was staring anxiously at me.”
Of course he’s staring at you, Bella. The guy almost killed you, it’s only natural he wants to make sure you’re okay. (+1 Bitch) Tyler asks how Bella got out of the way, Bella says Edward pulled her out of the way. Tyler never saw Edward, which I’m guessing is Meyer’s way for explaining that no one saw Edward move, but Tyler was probably a little more preoccupied with his homicidal van of doom. What about the people who had nothing to do but focus on the crash? My amnesia theory is starting to sound pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.
“I told them there was nothing wrong, and I was right.”
Of course you were right, Bella-Sue. *humongous eye roll*
“So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler’s constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.”
You bitch. Tyler is going to need months of therapy before he can even think about driving again, and you can’t even listen to him?!? He almost killed you, you dumbass. Can you imagine how bad he feels?!? (+2 Bitch, because you have no idea how much this makes me want to track down Stephenie Meyer and scream at her.)Edward walks in, and Tyler begins to apologize to him. Edward cuts him off. Jesus!
Bella asks Edward why he isn’t on a gurney too. Edward gives us some crap about people he knows, and Dr. Cullen makes his first appearance.
“He was young, he was blond… and he was handsomer than any movie star I’d ever seen. He was pale, though, and tired-looking, with circles under his eyes. From Charlie’s description, this had to be Edward’s father.”
Yup, he’s hot too, which is why he commands Bella’s full attention.
“So, Miss Swan,” Dr. Cullen said in a remarkably appealing voice, “how are you feeling?”
What the hell?
Um, didn’t Bella tell us that Tyler looked like shit? So why isn’t the good doctor focusing on, um, y’know, Tyler?
Nurse: Doctor! There’s a car crash victim in the E.R.! He’s a teenager, and he’s bleeding pretty bad. Will you take a look at him to make sure he’s okay?
Dr. Cullen: Hmmm…do you have anything more important?
Nurse: Well, there’s also an unhurt Mary-Sue in the E.R.
Dr. Cullen: What? A Mary-Sue? In this hospital? Forget about the other one! He can bleed to death for all I care! We must give the Mary-Sue our full attention! To the E.R.!
So Dr. Cullen goes to check up on Tyler and Bella asks if she can go back to school. Apparently most of the school has gone to the hospital to make sure their classmates are okay. I really wish I went to this school, don’t you? Everyone is so nice and caring.
“No, no!” I insisted, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and hopping down quickly.”
Fuck you, Bella Swan. (+1 Bitch)
Bella confronts Edward, and I’m supporting this action. Whether he saved her life or not, he still owes her an explanation.
“You think I lifted a van off you?” His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor.”
No shit, Sherlock, she does think you lifted a van off her because she saw it. Sure, no one might believe her, but if she’s secure enough in what she saw, you can’t deny that. And if Bella were a real person, she wouldn’t give a rat’s patootie about how skilled his lie was. (+1 Stupidity) They stare at each other, and then we get this stunning literary gem:
“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.”
I want you to Google ‘ destroying angel’ right now. Go to images and you know what you see?
Meyer unknowingly calls her male lead a mushroom (research is important, kiddies!), which is fitting because they seem to have the same amount of personality. “Livid and glorious”? Stephenie, honey, it’s called a dictionary. Flip one open and stop doing this to your thesaurus. The poor thing already needs too much counseling for the abuse it’s suffered at your hands. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
“Why did you even bother?” I asked frigidly. He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable. “I don’t know,” he whispered.”
Edward, you’re an asshole.
Bella leaves the hospital with Charlie, completely blowing off Jessica, Mike, and Eric. I can understand if you don’t want to talk to them right now, but at least tell them you’re okay. (+1 Bitch) Charlie tells Bella she’ll need to call her mom.
“I was appalled. “You told Mom!”
Renée’s only child was almost killed by a homicidal Chevy. Cut him a break. (+1 Bitch)
Bella talks to her mom and calms her down. She takes some Tylenol and goes to bed.
“That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.”
Once time machines are invented, I’m going to make sure Twilight never exists.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +5
Cream Count: +1