Posts Tagged ‘Tyler’s van’

What this chapter should be called: This plot needs an ambulance!

Edward creep-o-meter: 6


Remember, last chapter, how we thought that plot was actually happening?

Well, this book lies to you.

Because it’s taking forever to actually happen.

Bella is driven home, and like the caring father he is, Charlie stayed up for her. Edward reminds her, once again, that she has 15 MINUTES, because this is serious fucking business. Emmett unbuckles her from the harness, and tells Bella not to worry, everything will be okay. I’ll be damned. Maybe not all Sparklefairies are tremendous douchesilos.


“I barely knew him, and yet, somehow, not knowing when I would see him again after tonight was anguishing.”


19 chapters into the book, and we still haven’t any idea how to properly convey a character’s emotion without long flowery words or spelling it out. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward leads Bella up the front steps, and Bella asks him to keep Charlie safe.


“One more thing,” I whispered passionately. “Don’t listen to another word I say tonight!”


Way ahead of ya, sweetheart.

She runs in the house, screaming for Edward to go away. Her dad Charlie is understandably confused. She continues to scream at him as she runs up the stairs, somehow finding the time in her angst to say she broke up with Edward because she liked him too much. Edward pops in to her room to help her pack, because apparently 15 minutes is too short of a time for a pathetic human like Bella to handle. Charlie says that Bella can’t go to Phoenix because Renee isn’t actually there right now, and Bella whips out the big guns.


“I repeated my mother’s last words as she’d walked out this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and I threw the door open. “It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”


No matter how you spin it, that’s just low. (+1 Bitch)

I find it really funny that when Bella does something really petty and mean, *coughflirtingwithJacobcallingMikeadogandignoringTylercough* Meyer shoves in a few sentences about how awful she feels and how she would never  do something like this if she didn’t have a choice, but I just pulled out  3 examples that prove Bella is rotten to the core, and by this point in the reviews, I’m sure you could too.

Charlie is stunned and hurt, naturally. Bella rushes out with her duffel bag and guns her truck out of the driveway. Edward magically appears in the passenger’s seat, with no explanation as to how he got there, (+1 Stupidity) and, you guessed it, demands that he drives.


“I can drive,” I said through the tears pouring down my cheeks. His long hands unexpectedly gripped my waist, and his foot pushed mine off the gas pedal. He pulled me across his lap, wrenching my hands free of the wheel, and suddenly he was in the driver’s seat.”


See that, boys? If your girlfriend is not giving you your way, just pick her up and put her somewhere else. (+1 Red Flag)

Edward drives the truck back to Chez Cullen, with Alice and Emmett close behind. The tracker heard all of Bella’s angsty exposition, because there might be some tension in this book if he didn’t, and that would be unacceptable. Edward says that he follows them back to the house.

Along the way, Meyer surprises me with another genuine moment of caring.


“I didn’t realize you were still so bored with small-town life,” he said conversationally, and I knew he was trying to distract me. “It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well — especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you.”


Do you see why this works? It’s not just fluffy face touching, it’s actual caring. I’m even willing to gloss over the fact that, one again, a character’s actions were spelled out for us in Bella’s exposition. This is one of the rare spots where I can actually feel the meaning behind Edward’s words. He goes on to comfort Bella when she slips in the obligatory remorse about hurting her father, saying Charlie will forgive her. If the book was peppered through with moments like these, Bedward’s romance would be much more credible. A cookie to Meyer for showing she might be able to write after all. (+1 Redemption)


“We’ll be together again in a few days,” he said, tightening his arm around me. “Don’t forget that this was your idea.”


Aaaand I take it back. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer has enough sense left in her vapid head to bring up the issue as to why these Sparklefairies seem to find her like a fat man finds an all-you-can-eat Vegas style buffet. I’m adding psychoanalyst to Edward’s résumé, seeing as he explains every little detail of James’ mind, that he loves a challenge and sees the whole situation as a game, probably because of his mommy issues and the 4th grade noodle incident. (+1 Stupidity) Apparently, if Edward hadn’t protected Bella there wouldn’t be the thrill of the hunt, blah blah blah fuck fuckety fuck. How convenient that an enemy like this happened to show up six chapters before the end of the book, so Edward can show just how devoted he is to Bella. Yippee. (+1 Stupidity)

Emmett pops Bella under his arm like a football, and rushes her into the house. This is just too damn funny, and I keep imagining a football with Bella’s face on it. (On another note, would it be okay if I called Emmett “Drew Brees” from now on? Awesome.) Laurent is there, apologetic that James is tracking down Eddiekins’ cheeseburger. Drew Brees growls at Laurent.


“He’s tracking us,” Edward announced, glaring balefully at Laurent.
 Laurent’s face was unhappy. “I was afraid of that.”




So, after that lovely asswipe of a line (+1 Stupidity), Plot Device “dances” over to Jasper’s side, and they magically sprout wings and fly up the stairs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Meanwhile, Rosalie moves over to Drew Brees’ side and glares at Bella, understandably pissed at Bella for fucking up her family dynamic.


“Can you stop him?”
 Laurent shook his head. “Nothing stops James when he gets started.”


Laurent cautions everyone against actually fighting James. James is really strong, you guys, super strong, and really deadly and everything. That’s why Laurent joined his coven. PSYCH! You thought Laurent was the leader! OH MAN! What a twist, Meyer, I’m oh-so satisfied with this plot! I totes never saw this coming!

Being completely awesome, Drew Brees says he will stop him, because, hey, he’s fucking Drew Brees.


“Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. “Are you sure it’s worth it?”


Laurent now ties with Drew Brees and Tyler’s homicidal psychopath of a van for my favorite character.


“Get her upstairs and trade clothes,” Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.”


Rosalie says no, claiming that Bella’s a useless casserole who’s gotten them all into trouble. Bella watches Edward, wondering what his temper will make him do. Yes, it’s just as dispassionate as that. “Hmm, is he going to hit his sister?” (+1 Stupidity)

Since Rosalie defied Edward’s flawless logic, he turns to Esme and asks the same thing. Like the good, obedient woman she is, Esme carries the human pot pie up the stairs and they swap. Alice then carts her back downstairs. Is the girl not allowed to walk anymore?

Once they’re back downstairs, Edward and Drew Brees are packed up and ready to go. Uh, what the hell? Wasn’t the fact that big baddie James wouldn’t attack the house stated just a few paragraphs ago?


“Yes. He won’t attack the house, though. Not tonight.”


What the fuck, guys? Just lock the human-shaped chicken nugget in the basement and wait. Once again, Meyer is creating a problem that’s completely avoidable. Seems to me like laying low for a few days is a hell of a lot easier than running 5 states away.  They can make like a redneck and hang out on the porch for a few hours until big bad James gets pissed, and when he shows himself, we’ll just rip him to pieces. Problem solved. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyhoo, Plot Device says that James will follow Edward & Co. while the woman follows the truck, so Carlisle gives the green light on Operation: Get the Dumb Bitch out of Town.

Edward gives Bella a goodbye smooch, and Jasper has his first real dialogue when he tells Bella that yes, she is worth it. The gang the splits up into Team Fake-out (Rosalie and Esme) Team Hunt-Jerkoff (Drew Brees, Edward, and Carlisle) and Team Protect the Human Chowder (Plot Device and Jasper). Alice asks if she can carry Bella. Hey, at least she asks.


Will someone PLEASE  hurry up and get eaten already?


Final Count:

 Stupidity: +7

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

Red Flag: +1

Redemption: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +225

Angst: +22

Bitch: +74

Thesaurus Rape: +69

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8



What this chapter should be called: Will Someone Shut Up and Listen to Poor Tyler?

Now that I’ve sloshed through the hip-deep piles of bull that were chapters one and two, I think I deserve some non-painful reading. Because if I have to listen to one of Bella’s school days again, I will throw my computer across the room, which will be very bad for both me and the computer. So, chapter three begins with snow. Bella wakes up and it’s snowy outside. To start out her morning fresh, I’m treated to a little bit of whining.


“I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry; it might be safer for me to go back to bed now.


What? Bella falls down a lot? I never- oh, that’s be because Meyer only tells us about Bella falling down, and we never actually see her fall down.

Charlie’s already at work, so Bella goes downstairs and eats, and- shocker! – Is actually excited to go to school. Could it be for her new friends? Or is she doing something exciting in class? Or-


“I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.”


Well, shit.


“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.”


Finally, Bella, we agree on something.

Why is Bella so obsessed with this guy anyway? He’s said about ten things to her and five of those were about the weather. Anyway, Bella thinks about Edward for a while, gets in her truck, drives off to school and thinks about Mike and Eric. This isn’t feeling much more promising than chapter two, in which absolutely nothing fucking happened.


“Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between.”


The fuck? Did Meyer live under a rock during all of her high school years? The “big city girl” wouldn’t be a novelty by high school. Most teenagers have visited or seen a big city by the time they’re in high school. This might fly in elementary school, but it wouldn’t last for long. (+1 Stupidity)


“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.”


Sweetie, you aren’t clumsy. I swear, if your ego was any bigger, you couldn’t fit through the door. (+1 Bitch)

So she gets to school and notices she’s had an unusually easy time with the ice.


“There were thin chains crisscrossed in diamond shapes around them. Charlie had gotten up who knows how early to put snow chains on my truck. My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.”


This is just proving my point that Charlie is a fantastic dad. A cookie for Meyer for not making Bella bitch about this, too. (+1 Redemption)


“It was a high-pitched screech, and it was fast becoming painfully loud. I looked up, startled.”


Oooh! Action! Bella looks up and a van has spun out on the ice and is hurtling towards her in a path of fiery death and destruction! (This van now ties with Charlie for favorite character.)


“Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. His face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock.”


Okay, so there are a lot of people around. Remember this, cause it’s about to get important. Something knocks Bella out of the way, and she hits her head on the blacktop. Goddammit, Meyer, why?


“Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.”


Of course Bella isn’t hurt! She’s a fucking sue! Oh, and by the way:






of, pertaining to, or resulting from divine providence : providential care.

So are we saying it was an act of God that Edward’s hands fit in the dent? Meyer uses the word in the wrong way. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Then his hands moved so fast they blurred.”


Super happy fun experiment time! Put your hand in about a foot in front of your face, and wave it like you’re smacking Bella in the face repeatedly. Does it appear to blur? Meyer, you’re an idiot. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward asks Bella if she’s all right. I don’t give a fuck if she’s all right. Remember what I told you? There were “a sea of faces”, which is Meyer’s way of saying that there was a crapton of people around. So Edward moves super fast in front of a crapton of people and potentially exposed himself. (Meyer, if your first hundred pages depend on mystery, don’t stick, “Edward was a vampire” on the back. (+1 Stupidity)). So Eddie just blew his cover, and then:


“One was suddenly gripping under the body of the van, and something was dragging me, swinging my legs around like a rag doll’s, till they hit the tire of the tan car. A groaning metallic thud hurt my ears, and the van settled, glass popping, onto the asphalt — exactly where, a second ago, my legs had been.”


So not only does Edward move super-duper fast, he also holds the van up, then drops it back down. While there are 100+ people watching. Does everyone in Forks spontaneously contract amnesia right at this very moment? I have found the mother of all plot holes in chapter three. (+1 Stupidity) Bella tries to get up, and then asks Edward how he got to her so fast. She claims he was four cars away from her.


“His expression turned hard. “No, I wasn’t.”


Edward Cullen, master of deception.

God, this book sucks.

So Bella tries to make Edward explain it to her, and it’s not working so well. The paramedics get there, and put Bella on a stretcher.


“I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace”


Because it would totally suck to actually have something wrong and die! The EMT’s are only trying to do their jobs. (+1 Bitch)


“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away. 


Because it must be so awful to have a father that cares about you! There totally aren’t loads of kids who would kill to have a dad like that! (+1 Bitch) Charlie asks the closest EMT how Bella is. But all Bella can do is look at the Cullen family sans Eddiekins.


“And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother’s safety.”


I can’t even think of something funny to say about this.

Bella rides in the ambulance to the hospital, and is put in the emergency room she takes the “stupid-looking neck brace” off, because of course Bella-Sue knows more about medical treatment than the EMTs. (+1 Bitch)  Tyler Crowley comes in to the emergency room next, and it was his van that almost hit Bella (Yay Tyler!) and, like a rational person would, worries about the person that he almost killed and begins apologizing.


“Tyler looked a hundred times worse than I felt. But he was staring anxiously at me.”


Of course he’s staring at you, Bella. The guy almost killed you, it’s only natural he wants to make sure you’re okay. (+1 Bitch) Tyler asks how Bella got out of the way, Bella says Edward pulled her out of the way. Tyler never saw Edward, which I’m guessing is Meyer’s way for explaining that no one saw Edward move, but Tyler was probably a little more preoccupied with his homicidal van of doom. What about the people who had nothing to do but focus on the crash? My amnesia theory is starting to sound pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.


“I told them there was nothing wrong, and I was right.”


Of course you were right, Bella-Sue. *humongous eye roll*


“So I was trapped in the ER, waiting, harassed by Tyler’s constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.”


You bitch. Tyler is going to need months of therapy before he can even think about driving again, and you can’t even listen to him?!? He almost killed you, you dumbass. Can you imagine how bad he feels?!? (+2 Bitch, because you have no idea how much this makes me want to track down Stephenie Meyer and scream at her.)Edward walks in, and Tyler begins to apologize to him. Edward cuts him off. Jesus!

Bella asks Edward why he isn’t on a gurney too. Edward gives us some crap about people he knows, and Dr. Cullen makes his first appearance.


“He was young, he was blond… and he was handsomer than any movie star I’d ever seen. He was pale, though, and tired-looking, with circles under his eyes. From Charlie’s description, this had to be Edward’s father.”


Yup, he’s hot too, which is why he commands Bella’s full attention.


“So, Miss Swan,” Dr. Cullen said in a remarkably appealing voice, “how are you feeling?”


What the hell?

Um, didn’t Bella tell us that Tyler looked like shit? So why isn’t the good doctor focusing on, um, y’know, Tyler?


Nurse: Doctor! There’s a car crash victim in the E.R.! He’s a teenager, and he’s bleeding pretty bad. Will you take a look at him to make sure he’s okay?

Dr. Cullen: Hmmm…do you have anything more important?

Nurse: Well, there’s also an unhurt Mary-Sue in the E.R.

Dr. Cullen: What? A Mary-Sue? In this hospital? Forget about the other one! He can bleed to death for all I care! We must give the Mary-Sue our full attention! To the E.R.!


So Dr. Cullen goes to check up on Tyler and Bella asks if she can go back to school. Apparently most of the school has gone to the hospital to make sure their classmates are okay. I really wish I went to this school, don’t you? Everyone is so nice and caring.


“No, no!” I insisted, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and hopping down quickly.”


Fuck you, Bella Swan. (+1 Bitch)

Bella confronts Edward, and I’m supporting this action. Whether he saved her life or not, he still owes her an explanation.


“You think I lifted a van off you?” His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor.”


No shit, Sherlock, she does think you lifted a van off her because she saw it. Sure, no one might believe her, but if she’s secure enough in what she saw, you can’t deny that. And if Bella were a real person, she wouldn’t give a rat’s patootie about how skilled his lie was. (+1 Stupidity) They stare at each other, and then we get this stunning literary gem:


“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.”


I want you to Google ‘ destroying angel’ right now. Go to images and you know what you see?

A mushroom.

Meyer unknowingly calls her male lead a mushroom (research is important, kiddies!), which is fitting because they seem to have the same amount of personality. “Livid and glorious”? Stephenie, honey, it’s called a dictionary. Flip one open and stop doing this to your thesaurus. The poor thing already needs too much counseling for the abuse it’s suffered at your hands. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)


“Why did you even bother?” I asked frigidly. 
 He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable. 
 “I don’t know,” he whispered.”


Edward, you’re an asshole.

Bella leaves the hospital with Charlie, completely blowing off Jessica, Mike, and Eric. I can understand if you don’t want to talk to them right now, but at least tell them you’re okay. (+1 Bitch) Charlie tells Bella she’ll need to call her mom.


“I was appalled. “You told Mom!”


Renée’s only child was almost killed by a homicidal Chevy. Cut him a break. (+1 Bitch)

Bella talks to her mom and calms her down. She takes some Tylenol and goes to bed.


“That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.”


Once time machines are invented, I’m going to make sure Twilight never exists.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +5

Bitch: +10

Thesaurus Rape: +2

Redemption: +1


Total Count:

Stupidity: +12

Angst: +7

Bitch: +21

Thesaurus Rape: +5

Cream Count: +1

Redemption: +2