Warning! Danger lies ahead.

Hi there. I’m a sixteen-year-old girl (fourteen at the time this blog was started), and I’m reading Twilight. I decided to give it a shot based on the fact that there’s loads of teenage girls that seem to have found a new bible, and thousands more people who said they killed their brain cells on a steaming pile of horse shit that was based on a stay-at-home mom’s wet dream. You can probably tell that I am of the latter opinion. But, because I am certain at some point along my perilous journey through the pile of garbage that is Twilight, I will receive mail along the lines of, “OMG HOW CN U SAY DIS TEH BUKS R DA BEST TING EVA!! 11! 1 TEAM EDWURD 4EVAAAAH!!!! 11!!!” here are a few disclaimers:

1. Just because I am not a bestselling author does not mean I can’t critique Twilight. I’m looking at it from the viewpoint of a teenage girl, and trying to understand how millions of my peers can be obsessed with this crap.

2. If you think I’m wrong, and you can actually put together a decent argument other than, “BUT JACOB IS SOOO HAWT!!! 11!!!” feel free to tell me. Send me hate mail telling me I must be gay and an idiot for not liking Twilight, and I’ll point and laugh.

I also decided I need some hard data to show how awful Twilight is, I’ll be awarding points based on certain recurring offenses in the book. The points will be as following:

Bitch– for every time Bella is a total bitch.

Angst– for every time Bella goes all emo princess on me, which I’m told she will.

Stupidity– for every time I find a plot hole, Bella does something moronic, or something else completely stupid in Meyer’s writing.

Eye Rape– for whenever Edward eye-rapes someone

Cream Count– for every time Edward’s beauty is described with loads of unnecessary adjectives

Red Flag– for every time Edward does something stalkerish or otherwise abusive.

Thesaurus Rape– for when Meyer uses shitloads of unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. Rumor has it she never once uses the word “said”. ( A false rumor, but only by 3 words.)

Redeeming Factors– I’m not expecting a lot of these.

Newly Added: Points from the Peanut Gallery– Hey, I don’t always catch everything. As my snarking buddy Tacomagic has done, feel free to point out anything I may have missed during the snarkfest.

I will eventually review the entire series.And yes, I do understand that making fun of Twilight is like hunting a mosquito with a flamethrower, but I can’t resist the temptation. I try to post new chapter reviews every Saturday and Wednesday.Whatever you do, do not read this book. Your brain’s too valuable. Feel free to leave comments, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Happy snarking!

  1. I saw you on MLIT. I’m an MLIA’er who thinks that tw*l*ght is from hell. Hope you see this. MLIA’ers unite!!!!

  2. Kate says:

    ^MLIA forever!

    • Hailey says:

      That’s where I got your blog from too! I was making fun of all these idiots on MLIT (Along with the rest of us awesome MLIAers) and someone goes like “ALL TWITARDS SHOULD READ THIS! IT IS THE WORD OF GOD!” And it truly is! 😉

    • companion says:

      you are amazing with this. the one problem i have is that i cannot find the origin of the drinking game you mention repeatedly

  3. percyjackson says:

    Hello, ScottieSummers. This is Percy from the sparklepyre army. You’re hilarious.

  4. TAYLOR says:

    I saw you on someone else’s blog, and I’m so glad you have the same opinion as I do xD

  5. Haha I didn’t know till now that you have this! This is effing hilarious! 😀

  6. You have given me hope for the future. Have this Liebster Blog Award =D

  7. Thank you for committing to such a horrendous task. I read all four books and I’m pretty sure, I lost a few brain cells. The one good thing I can say about Twilight is that it has lead me to female empowerment ideas since I refused to ever become Bella.

  8. Kelly says:

    An argument for why Twilight is AWESOME!…nah, just kidding. I give up. I learned a lot of new words, though- how about that?
    You, ma’m are now my role model! Even though we’re only an year apart, I still view you as the Snark Guru that I’ve always wanted. May your snarking go on forever.

  9. Molahanor says:

    I want them to read as though I’m sitting on your couch chatting to you about this great terrible art exhibit I just saw.

  10. Libby says:

    I’m so happy this blog exists. I finished the first book last night, and I just can’t take anymore. I never say this, but Twilight is one instance where the movies are better than (not good, just better than) the novels – likely because the producers opted to play it safe and leave out all the domestic abuse.

  11. You’re braver than me. I admire your dedication. Keep up the good work.

  12. loolypopgoop says:

    I found four “said”s in New Moon! Awesome blog, by the way. You gave me the strength to have a crack at re-writing Twishit.

  13. WhoopsWhere'sMyThribble says:

    You’re fifteen? M’dear, I’m sixteen, and I can safely say that you write LIKE A BOSS.
    Hats off. I salute you. Fight the Twishite!

  14. Geodracula says:

    Whenever I go around charity shops, I regularly see the Twilight books for sale. I’m sometimes half tempted to pick one up and see how bad it really is, but I’m going to listen to your advice and stay away!
    I’ve seen the first 2 films (yuck!) and am making my way through all of your chapters, I think it’s giving me sufficient ammunition for the whole Rowling Vs. Meyer arguments 🙂

    Thanks to these stupid books, I’m embarrassed to be a vampire fan. I love the classic Dracula, I love the old stories where vampires actually burn in the sun, have fangs and drink human blood.

    I bought a book actually the other day called “New Moan The First Book in The Twishite Saga” by “Stephordy Mayo”. I’ve not gotten around to read it yet, but I’m looking forward to it!

  15. Vismay says:

    Don’t get burned on this temerarious venture!!!! I already have a scar for reading Twilight!!!!

  16. Your blog manages to put into words all of the stuff I’d like to say about Twilight…good job!

  17. Pixie says:

    In my American Studies class we were discussing why Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey were popular right now. My professor says trashy novels have always been around. They just keep showing up in new forms. Great… My whole life I will be bombarded by crappy books! But now I’m prepared and will not fall for the next latest, greatest craze.

  18. AnonyFish says:

    I am impressed with your will. I was gonna do something similar to this a few months ago but only made it halfway through book one before throwing it across the room and swearing that I would burn it the next time I was roasting marshmallows.

    • Kate says:

      Are you kidding me? If I had a paper copy of this book instead of a PDF, I would use it as kindling for s’mores, make the most delicious s’mores ever, and then throw them away in protest. That’s how much I dislike this book.

  19. sphadmins says:

    I don’t even remember how I found this blog, I just remember waltzing in when you had posted the New Moon recap and deciding to read the rest because the ‘Predictions for the next book’ made me crack up.

  20. Colleen says:

    OMGAWD HO CAN U SIA DAT DA TWILIT BOKS R TEH BEST EVR SO KAWAI!!!!!!!1!!!!1!111111111111111111111

    Okay, now are you effin’ twelve-year-old freakgirls happy?!

    (I…have been getting major hatemail.)

  21. push97 says:

    hey, maybe you can share some of those hate-mails here for us!!!

  22. Okay. Don’t take this as spam, but you seem like a cool gal with immense hatred for the same things that I hate, so I hereby direct you to my reviewing-crap website thatkidwiththetshirt.weebly.com. Only got one review so far, so I need suggestions. And I get no traffic whatsoever. Thanks.

  23. whippersnapper says:

    I’m only just starting the New Moon bit (the miserably long bit of nothing, that is) and I have to say, taking my hat off to you for seeing such a horrible job through.

    Where do you live, by the way?

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