Warning! Danger lies ahead.
Hi there. I’m a sixteen-year-old girl (fourteen at the time this blog was started), and I’m reading Twilight. I decided to give it a shot based on the fact that there’s loads of teenage girls that seem to have found a new bible, and thousands more people who said they killed their brain cells on a steaming pile of horse shit that was based on a stay-at-home mom’s wet dream. You can probably tell that I am of the latter opinion. But, because I am certain at some point along my perilous journey through the pile of garbage that is Twilight, I will receive mail along the lines of, “OMG HOW CN U SAY DIS TEH BUKS R DA BEST TING EVA!! 11! 1 TEAM EDWURD 4EVAAAAH!!!! 11!!!” here are a few disclaimers:
1. Just because I am not a bestselling author does not mean I can’t critique Twilight. I’m looking at it from the viewpoint of a teenage girl, and trying to understand how millions of my peers can be obsessed with this crap.
2. If you think I’m wrong, and you can actually put together a decent argument other than, “BUT JACOB IS SOOO HAWT!!! 11!!!” feel free to tell me. Send me hate mail telling me I must be gay and an idiot for not liking Twilight, and I’ll point and laugh.
I also decided I need some hard data to show how awful Twilight is, I’ll be awarding points based on certain recurring offenses in the book. The points will be as following:
Bitch– for every time Bella is a total bitch.
Angst– for every time Bella goes all emo princess on me, which I’m told she will.
Stupidity– for every time I find a plot hole, Bella does something moronic, or something else completely stupid in Meyer’s writing.
Eye Rape– for whenever Edward eye-rapes someone
Cream Count– for every time Edward’s beauty is described with loads of unnecessary adjectives
Red Flag– for every time Edward does something stalkerish or otherwise abusive.
Thesaurus Rape– for when Meyer uses shitloads of unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. Rumor has it she never once uses the word “said”. ( A false rumor, but only by 3 words.)
Redeeming Factors– I’m not expecting a lot of these.
Newly Added: Points from the Peanut Gallery– Hey, I don’t always catch everything. As my snarking buddy Tacomagic has done, feel free to point out anything I may have missed during the snarkfest.
I will eventually review the entire series.And yes, I do understand that making fun of Twilight is like hunting a mosquito with a flamethrower, but I can’t resist the temptation. I try to post new chapter reviews every Saturday and Wednesday.Whatever you do, do not read this book. Your brain’s too valuable. Feel free to leave comments, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside.