Posts Tagged ‘lolcats’

What Bella would call this chapter: Impassioned Sorrowful Sadness
Fucks I give: I do not give a fuck, you see

 

Oh. My. Jeebus. I am so tired of this book. I loathe it with a passion. I’m sick and tired of reading about people who are sick and tired. I would rather watch a marathon of Jersey Shore than endure another chapter of this dreck. I just need something to happen, already.

But instead of something happening, we timeskip ahead a few hours and get some lovely dialogue about running patrols. Great. This book should have just been titled, “Running Patrols: The Endless Race Against Logic.”  Whatever. Jacob runs patrols with Seth while Leah sleeps.

 

“It was easier to run with him than it was to do the same with Leah. Though she was trying—trying hard—there was always an edge to her thoughts. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to feel the softening toward the vampires that was going on in my head. She didn’t want to deal with Seth’s cozy friendship with them, a friendship that was only getting stronger.”

 

Jacob ponders why Leah isn’t trying to antagonize him and thinks about Bella.

 

“That got me thinking. If the Cullens were able to get out of the immediate area safely, they really ought to keep on going. They probably should have taken off the second we’d come to warn them. They had to be able to afford other digs. And they had friends up north, right? Take Bella and run. It seemed like an obvious answer to their problems.”

 

Silly, foolish, adorable Jacob. You’re so naive. Moving Bella away from danger is far too logical. Pfft. Next, you’ll start telling them to stop going to high school all the time. (+1 Stupidity)
(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Dammit, Bella, why must you be so tasty?

Edward creep-o-meter: CALL THE COPS!

 

I’m afraid, dear readers, that I’m going on a vacation from Twilight for a while. I’ll be out of town, with no access to a computer until next Saturday, so in all honesty, don’t expect the next 2 updates to be on time. I could just all infodump it on to you tomorrow, but, 1. I care about you guys too much to do that to you, and 2. It’s hard fitting a chapter’s worth of smartassery into a few paragraphs.

Anyways,

I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I am for a chance at some action. The last 17 chapters of this godforsaken book have been completely devoid of any conflict. It’s like Meyer was all the way at the end of the book when her editor told her she needed conflict.

 

Editor: So, Mrs. Meyer, I read your manuscript.

Meyer: wat do u think isn’t it lyk ttlly romantic?

Editor: Well. There’s 450 pages of caressing and whispering devotion, but no actual conflict. You do know novels need that, right?

Meyer: wat do u meen hes dangerous and mite eat her. conflict.

Editor: …Right. Why don’t you try something with other vampires. Maybe they can try to eat her?

Meyer: o lyk have ebil vmapires? ok i will rite tht.

 

And three weeks later she knocks out these last few chapters.

But I digress. The chapter opens with the evil fairies making their first appearance. Despite what we know about vampires’ appearance, these are not described as being incredibly beautiful. Oh, that’s right, they’re the bad guys so they can’t be pretty.

There are three, a ginger woman, a olive-skinned man, and an unassuming guy in the back. They’re dressed in jeans and flannel shirts, which Bella describes as  backpacker’s clothing. I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty normal where I live. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and they have red eyes instead of the beautiful amazing gold we’ve been hearing so much about.

 

“We thought we heard a game,” he said in a relaxed voice with the slightest of French accents. “I’m Laurent, these are Victoria and James.” He gestured to the vampires beside him.
”

 

The bad vamps introduce themselves, and Carlisle, in turn, introduces his family. The bad vamps are shocked at how Clan Cullen manages to keep a permanent residence.

 

“Permanent? How do you manage that?” There was honest curiosity in his voice.
 “Why don’t you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?” Carlisle invited. “It’s a rather long story.”

 

I’m sorry I keep bagging on the Mormons, but this reminds me too much of the Mormons who seem to stalk me around the city and try to get me to let them into my house to “teach” me.

Carlisle asks that they please not hunt in Clan Cullen territory, and the bad vamps mention that they just ate outside Seattle anyway. Only now, in almost 400 pages, is Bella smart enough to be scared.

And then…conflict!

 

“Three things seemed to happen simultaneously while Carlisle was speaking. My hair ruffled with the light breeze, Edward stiffened, and the second male, James, suddenly whipped his head around, scrutinizing me, his nostrils flaring.”

 

How their super Sparklefairy noses didn’t smell her already, I don’t know, (+1 Stupidity) but the bad vamps’ foodars start going off, and they immediately go, “WHAT? LUNCH!” and they crouch and snarl and Edward snarls back and since Edward did it it’s the most frightening thing ever and totally all manly and sexy.

Laurent is shocked at this sudden development, and literally asks if the Cullens brought a snack (Oh, God, I wish.) and Laurent is now one of my favorite characters. The Cullens insist that the human quiche is with them. Laurent’s smart enough to realize he’s outnumbered 3 to 7, and backs off the Vegas buffet that is Bella. He attempts to make up with the completely not-Mormon Cullens, saying of course they won’t eat anyone in the region.

 

“When Laurent spoke, his tone was soothing — trying to defuse the sudden hostility. “It appears we have a lot to learn about each other.”

 

Once again, Meyer feels the need to explain every little action to us, and I’m not even gonna go into this because I’ve already stated how much this pisses me off.

 

“James glanced in disbelief and aggravation at Laurent and exchanged another brief look with Victoria, whose eyes still flickered edgily from face to face.”

 

I was unaware eyes  could flicker edgily. What’s next, will Bella’s nose wiggle sharply? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Carlisle offers to run with the bad vamps back to the headquarters of Clan Cullen, while Alice, Edward, Bella, and Emmett take the jeep back. The next few paragraphs are completely disgusting. Edward yanks Bella into the forest, slings her onto his back, and then flings her into the backseat. The sad part? Those words were actually used. It’s like Meyer has secret domination fantasies or something. (+1 Red Flag)

Once they’re all in the Jeep, Edward flips the hell out.

 

“Strap her in,” he ordered Emmett, who slid in beside me.”

 

Real classy, Sparklepeen. (+1 Red Flag)

 

He then fires up the Jeep, and starts driving them south, away from Forks. Bella demands to know where he’s going, and he refuses to answer for awhile, and then I get the line that is the icing on this cake of glorified abuse.

 

“We have to get you away from here — far away — now.”

 

That’s right, folks, he just kidnapped her. If anyone tries to give me the, “He did it cuz he wuvs her!” crap, I swear to God I’ll lose it. How exactly is he protecting her by flinging her in the backseat of a car and speeding out of town? I don’t know about you, I would freak the hell out. (+1 Red Flag) No matter how you spin it, this is not protection. It is kidnapping, plain and simple.

Bella does the second smart thing in this chapter (I know, it’s like she’s growing a brain or something.) and promptly freaks the hell out. She demands that Edward take her home, to which he point blank refuses, even instructing Emmett to restrain her. (+1 Red Flag) Any chance Sparklepeen ever had of  redemption points were just thrown out the window. By a catapult. And they were on fire.

Only Alice has an issue with it, but she’s a woman, so no one listens.

 

“Alice spoke for the first time. “Edward, pull over.”
 He flashed her a hard look, and then sped up.”

 

What a douchesilo.

Edward continues to insist they have to get as far away as possible, for a reason that has to do with James, that unassuming guy in the back.

 

“He’s a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He’s a tracker!”

 

A tracker! What the hell is a tracker and why do I care?!?

Turns out that a tracker is a vamp that chooses one target and proceeds to hunt it no matter how many Sparklefairies protect it. (An idiot, in other words.) Which brings me to my next point: if James is so OMG scary, why didn’t the Cullens deal with him back at the baseball field? They outnumbered the bad vamps 7 to 3, so that’s 2 good Sparklefairies to each bad one with one left over to take Bella home. This problem was completely preventable. (+1 Stupidity)

So I think we can agree that this is, once again, false tension. The problem was preventable, and only a tremendous amount of stupidity on Clan Cullen’s part created it. This is like if (Spoiler alert!) Harry decided not to find the horcruxes because it might be dangerous. It’s stupid and makes no sense. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I broke it. “Does anyone want to hear my plan?”
 “No,” Edward growled. Alice glared at him, finally provoked.
”

 

That boy’s a real winner. (+1 Red Flag)

So Alice and Bella start coming up with alternate ideas, which Edward ignores because he’s the man and knows what’s best, when Bella remembers that she left Charlie alone. Bella explains that her plan is…to go to Phoenix.

What the fuck?

She says she’ll go back to her house and make up some excuse to Charlie as to why she’s leaving, and hopefully, the tracker/idiot will hear. Edward will then be free to do what he wants.

Isn’t this… basically what Edward is doing, except now we have to backtrack and have a really awkward scene with her father?

Edward says no, (Not surprising.) because he’s the man and knows best.

 

“I demand that you take me home.” I tried to sound firm.
 Edward pressed his fingers to his temples and squeezed his eyes shut.
 “Please,” I said in a much smaller voice.”

 

I’ve run out of witty comments on this matter. (+1 Red Flag)

Then he restates her plan. …okay. He ORDERS her to go back home and tell Charlie what she needs to. Then pack whatever she can and get in her truck. She has FIFTEEN minutes, do you hear me, FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Since it’s serious fucking business, apparently that gives Edward the right to be a dick.

 

“What are we going to do with the Jeep?” she asked. His voice had a hard edge. “You’re driving it home.” “No, I’m not,” she said calmly. The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.”

 

How dare a woman defy the great Edward Cullen?!?

 

“I think you should let me go alone,” I said even more quietly.
 He heard that.
 “Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth.”

 

As opposed to all those other times that he’s just ordered her to do what he pleases? When has this girl ever done something of her own free will, and not just because Edward told/seduced/ordered her to? (+1 Stupidity/ Red Flag)

So, the plan is, Bella is going to go in, yell at Charlie, tell him she’s going to Phoenix, and hopefully the tracker will hear all of this. Then Edward is going to make it look like that’s a fake out, uh, somehow. Then Alice and Jasper are going to drive her to Phoenix. Then Edward is going to meet them down there so they can come back home.

Um, do they not know that Phoenix is sunny? Like, all the time? (+1 Stupidity)

This isn’t about the sparkling, it’s about smartness. Not even the darkest tinted car windows completely block out the sun. For all of Meyer’s copious bullshit, there are some damn huge holes in this story. (+1 Stupidity)

This plan is completely fool-proof and I’m just positive the vampire won’t meet her down there. Five states away. So he can eat her. This one person. When there are five states of other, more interesting people he could hunt. Hell, this is murder on my Mary-Sue meter. I know she smells like freesia or something stupid like that, but really, James? REALLY?

This wouldn’t bother me so much if the whole, “teh badd vmapires will eat me!!11!” thing wasn’t completely out of nowhere. Even in the movie, they had enough sense to inject little scenes of the bad fairies eating people throughout the film. Jesus, Meyer probably did tack on these last few chapters after that conversation with her editor.

 

“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”

 

Jesus Christ, so if she gets hurt, killed, or eaten, it’s her fault.

And she just sits there and takes this shit?

I’m running out of words for this crap.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +7

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +7

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +218

Angst: +22

Bitch: +73

Thesaurus Rape: +67

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +67

Redemption: +7

What this chapter should be called: The cake is still a lie.

Edward creep-o-meter: Eh, 7 or so. But if this was a douchebag meter it would be at 11.

 

This chapter is titled, “Carlisle”. Normally, I would assume that we would get to talk to Carlisle and learn a little about him, but because of last chapter, we know that this book lies to you.  I really don’t know what to expect, but I would guess that Edward will still hog most of the limelight.

The chapter opens with Meyer point blank refusing to use the word, “said.”

 

“Come in,” Carlisle’s voice invited.”

 

Amateur writers do this a lot. They avoid “said” like it’s the bubonic plague and sub in long, flowery adjectives in order to punch up their writing. While this isn’t bad in and of itself, and can actually add personality to the characters when used sparingly and responsibly, Meyer seems to have an outright phobia of the word “said”. Flip to any page in this book and try to find an instance where she uses “said” in dialogue WITHOUT any modifiers. Pretty hard to find any, isn’t it? Those few you may find are the exceptions that prove the rule.

I could go on for hours about Meyer’s abuse of “said bookisms” and how they make her look like a complete novice, but that would send this entire entry off the tracks, so here’s a link instead. Go nuts.

Meyer describes Carlisle’s office, and of course, it can’t just be a nice office. It has to be a big office with fancy walls and a collection of books that is comparable to a public library. Obviously Meyer’s never been to a public library. (Which makes sense considering her aversion to research.) Carlisle is sitting behind a huge desk that’s made of MAHOGANY! I’m glad Bella’s so up-to-date on her wood finishes. (+1 Stupidity)

Carlisle asks them what they want.

 

“I wanted to show Bella some of our history,” Edward said. “Well, your history, actually.”

 

Wait, so that infodump last chapter didn’t mean anything? Way to fuck with the reader’s head, Meyer.

I’ll be damned, Meyer actually used said. I almost feel bad about what I just said.

 

“We didn’t mean to disturb you,” I apologized.”

 

And now I don’t.

Edward forcefully spins Bella around to look towards the door instead of, I don’t know, maybe gesturing to indicate that he wants her to look in that direction. Since Edward touched her, Meyer doesn’t miss the opportunity to point out how awesome it is.

Edward yanks her around to look at a wall full of paintings. Remember what I said earlier about how Bella’s refusal to call Edward out on his behavior gives him the impression that he’s entitled to manhandle her? Well, we’re seeing that now. This is a small example, but it gives us a good idea of Edward’s mindset. Want Bella to look at something? Pull her over there. Want her to be someplace? Pick her up and carry her. He treats her like baggage to be toted around. This example may be small, but in a way it’s just as bad as some of the other stuff he’s pulled. This shows that physically forcing Bella to do things is natural to him now. Since Bella didn’t establish any boundaries, he doesn’t respect them.

The worst part is that Bella had previously made it clear in the narration that she really doesn’t appreciated being treated in such a way. Even so, she lets it slide because she considers it such an honor that someone as pretty as Edward is even giving her the time of day. She does not allow Edward’s behavior out of love, but out of desperation. What kind of message do you think this sends? If someone is pretty enough you should let them walk all over you, because you should be grateful to even be in that person’s presence? Yeah, THAT will certainly help teenage girls with their self-esteem. (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on. Carlisle pops up behind Bella to tell her about some of the paintings, which scares her shitless because she didn’t hear him move. We get it, the Meyerpires are all ninjas. Whatever. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“Will you tell the story?” Edward asked.”

 

Don’t see why Meyer felt the word “you” had to be italicized, but who gives a damn? The important part is we’re actually going to get some back story about a character from the character himself! Man, after all the Edward infodumping this comes as a welcome change of pace.

 

“I would,” he replied, “but I’m actually running a bit late. …”

 

*blinks*

What?

 

“… Besides, you know the stories as well as I do,” he added …”

 

NO NO NO NO NO NO GODDAMMIT NO!

GOD FUCKING SON OF A BUTTFUCKING WHORE!

I hate this book! I hate these characters! I even hate their house! (+1 Stupidity, and this would be triple points for bad writing if I was keeping count.)

Then Carlisle leaves. He fucking leaves! This chapter is called Carlisle, but he’s not even going to be in it! Sure, it may be about him, but that means little without him actually being here. God forbid someone else should get a non-trivial amount of screen time. Heaven help us if someone else gets some focus besides Edward. That’s who this chapter’s really about, by the way. This isn’t about Carlisle’s past so much as it is about Carlisle’s past in relation to Edward. He’s the one telling the story; he’s the one we’re expected to admire. Carlisle is awesome, Meyerpires are awesome, and by extension Edward is awesome. God, this book makes me so damn angry.

Apparently Carlisle was suicidal when he first turned, but couldn’t kill himself.

 

“It is amazing that he was able to resist… feeding… while he was still so new.”

 

Of course, anyone who’s read Breaking Fail should know that this is a load of bullshit. Edward tells Bella that Carlisle tried to starve himself. Bella asks if that’s even possible.

 

“Is that possible?” My voice was faint.
 “No, there are very few ways we can be killed.”

 

WHOA! Back that thing up, Meyer! So a Meyerpire can’t starve to death from lack of drinking blood? What the hell? That means the blood drinking really isn’t necessary! It doesn’t even serve a purpose other than to introduce fake drama! Are you even trying anymore, Meyer?!?!? (+1 Stupidity)

I’m not even gracing Meyerpires by caling them vampires anymore. I’m now calling them fairies, because they have a lot more in common with those than with actual vampires.

Edward mentions Carlisle getting physically weak from not feeding, but that’s not even close to the same. It’s not even close. Since Sparklefairies are so very much stronger than humans, “weak” for them could easily mean “on human level.” That would mean that they “need” to drink blood because it gives them superhuman abilities and they’re addicted to the power. That makes it a drug, not an essential for life. They need blood like an addict needs heroin (To use Meyer’s own comparison).

If you don’t eat, you die. That’s how it works. The Sparklefairies’ life is being sustained by something other than blood, which means that blood serves no purpose other than the “high” it gives them. Meyer has just invalidated any claim she’s made to her darlings being vampires. They don’t need blood, they have no weaknesses. Chrissakes, they’re not even undead. Their fairydom is the result of mutation from exposure to sparkle venom, a transformation that happens while they’re still alive.

Before someone screams, “Artistic license!” let me point out that even artistic license has its limits. For example, let’s use mermaids. According to most lore, mermaids are beautiful women with fish tails instead of legs, can’t survive out of water, and have a tendency to seduce innocent sailors with their song and drag them to their deaths. Now, I’ll take artistic license with said mermaids and turn them into ugly little fuckers who can survive in or out of water, don’t have the fish tails, and screech like banshees. Can I call these creatures mermaids? Sure, but not before bastardizing the entire mermaid lore. Do you see my point? Just because they have some passing similarities doesn’t make them the same creature. Sparklefairies and vampires may both drink blood, but there is a world of difference between the two. Sparkle fairies are not vampires for the same reason that humans are not whales just because they’re both mammals.

My God, she’s not even TRYING! Why do Twifans INSIST that these are vampires when the book itself disproves that claim? The one thing the Sparklefairies had in common with vampires, and Meyer screwed that up too. Every time I think her incompetence can no longer amaze me, she finds some new way to pull it off. It would be impressive, really, if it weren’t so incredibly sad.

Edward keeps infodumping about Carlisle’s past, and I am so pissed at Carlisle’s bait-and-switch and Meyer’s growing incompetence that I’m sorely tempted to skip this. But I will be strong! Blah, blah, blah, Carlisle swam to France. Blah, blah, blah, Sparklefairies don’t need oxygen.

Edward’s face turns to stone, then is replaced by a block of ice. Hey, if Meyer doesn’t have to put any effort into this, neither do I.

Sparklepeen takes a moment to be emo, and I almost wish he would go back to infodumping all over us. It may be boring, but at least it isn’t as painful to read as Edward’s “Oooh, I’m so damaged and brooding and that makes me sexy.” lines.

They look at another painting before continuing with the story. You know what would be better than looking at paintings while Edward infodumps on the audience? Talking to CARLISLE about these things and getting his personal reactions to his own past! You know, actually SHOWING instead of just telling? The painting thing is almost as stupid as when a book character looks into a mirror so the author can describe her appearance. (Yet another mark of an amateur, and if you’ve been following you’ll remember Meyer pulled that move back in chapter 1.)

 

“Now he is all but immune to the scent of human  blood…”

 

Then why in the world did he have a problem greeting Bella? Anyway, Edward plays up the blood hunger, which, given that we now know that it is completely harmless (except when Meyer feels the need to be dramatic), and that it’s not even real hunger, it loses much of its impact. Interesting to note that Edward says it took Carlisle centuries of “torturous effort” to control his bloodlust, but apparently Edward can will himself not to eat Bella because, as he put it, “mind over matter.”

I’m really tempted to rip out a page of this book so laboratory analysis can see if the pages themselves are made of bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward goes on to how Carlisle found other fairies in Italy.

 

“They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers.”

 

I won’t even start on the fact that this would be about 200 years before sewers were first constructed. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward touched a “comparatively sedate” painting on the highest balcony, a sentence that makes me think he stretched out his arm like Mr. Fantastic. The figures in the painting were “looking down calmly on the mayhem below them.” Uh … what mayhem would that be? Is the room damaged? Is there some kind of violence going on? Is there a riot? The word “mayhem” in no way applies to the arrangement of paintings. Good God, Meyer, do you EVER stop to look up the words you pick out of the thesaurus? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

As if Meyer thought she might be being a little too subtle about how awesome her sparkle fairies are, she has Edward point out that Francesco Solimena, the Baroque-era Italian painter, was so inspired by Carlisle and his buds that he often painted them as gods. Seriously, she says a painter that produced works like this was influenced by her Sparklefairies. God, this book sucks.

…Hey, what’s that whirring sound? Oh, only Solimena spinning in his grave. No biggie. (+1 Stupidity)

While I can stand Meyer’s atrocious writing, seeing her plunderize history in an attempt to elevate her works makes me want to set something on fire.

To summarize the next few paragraphs, blah blah blah, Carlisle got pissed at his friends because they acted like vampires, and blah blah blah so he left. Blah blah blah, he was lonely.

Edward has a brief emo moment, and when that passes Bella describes the “gentle angel’s smile” that “lit his expression.” Gag me with a spoon! (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pulls Bella out of the room, and I already pointed out what’s wrong with this earlier, so I’ll move on. Edward then starts talking about himself. Namely, how he once rebelled against Carlisle’s “vegetarian” diet.

 

“Really?” I was intrigued, rather than frightened, as I perhaps should have been.”

 

We get it, he’s dangerous, will you PLEASE shut up about it now?

 

“He barked a laugh, more loudly than before.”

 

What would that even sound like? How the hell would you even do that? (+1 Stupidity)

Edward only rebelled briefly, since he read the “perfect sincerity” in Carlisle’s mind. Uh, is that supposed to mean something? Just because someone believes in something strongly enough doesn’t necessarily make it the right thing to do. I mean, I’m sure Hitler thought what he was doing was right, but that doesn’t make it okay. (+1 Stupidity) Someone can be totally sincere in their belief in something and still be wrong. Just ask the May 21st rapture people. If Edward felt strongly enough about his disagreement to openly defy Carlisle, then knowing that Carlisle really believes in what he’s doing shouldn’t be that persuasive.

Edward says that he thought that, due to his psychic abilities, he could only target bad people. He says, for example, that if he fed on a murderer who was targeting an innocent woman, then surely that wouldn’t make him so bad. If you’ve been paying attention, then you know that Edward is making this up. At the very least, he’s never used his blood addiction as an excuse to save someone’s life. To quote what he said back in chapter 8:

 

“I followed you to Port Angeles,” he admitted, speaking in a rush. “I’ve never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it’s much more troublesome than I would have believed. …”

 

Therefore proving that, once again, Meyer is bullshitting us.

Bella takes a moment to bask in the awesomeness that is Edward.

 

“And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable.
”

 

I’m convinced Meyer typed this book one-handed. (+1 Cream Count)

They walk along the hall until they reach Edward’s room, and since it belongs to Edward, it immediately gets the adjective treatment.

 

“His room faced south, with a wall-sized window like the great room below. The whole back side of the  house must be glass. His view looked down on the winding Sol Duc River, across the untouched forest  to the Olympic Mountain range. The mountains were much closer than I would have believed.
 The western wall was completely covered with shelf after shelf of CDs. His room was better stocked than a music store. In the corner was a sophisticated-looking sound system, the kind I was afraid to touch because I’d be sure to break something. There was no bed, only a wide and inviting black leather  sofa. The floor was covered with a thick golden carpet, and the walls were hung with heavy fabric in a slightly darker shade.”

 

Really, Meyer? Edward’s room is comparable to a CD store? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you saying that Edward somehow managed to fit a Virgin Megastore into his bedroom? It was bad enough when Carlisle’s office was compared to a fucking LIBRARY, but now Edward’s bedroom contains more stock than a music store? Does Meyer have NO sense of scale? Does she not realize how big a library or a music store can be? It’s not as if the whole room is filled with CDs either, it’s just the one wall. How fucking huge is that wall? (+1 Stupidity)

Also, why is it just CDs? What about audio cassettes? 8-track tapes? Vinyl records? People still collect vinyl records even nowadays, you know. Did Edward not hold on to some of his vintage albums, or is his enthusiasm for music a fairly recent thing? Also, why does no one in this book have an MP3 player? Or a cell phone? Or broadband internet?

Bella admires the music collection. I‘m not kidding, Meyer actually stops to explain how Edward organizes his CDs. Riveting stuff here. Since the word “subtlety” isn’t in Meyer’s vocabulary, she has her characters flat-out explain to us how they feel about Bella knowing all about Edward.

 

“… his eyes dissected my expression …”

 

I’m tempted to start a charity drive to pay for grief counseling on behalf of Meyer’s thesaurus. To dissect means to analyze and interpret something minutely. In general it refers to ideas, as in dissecting a poem or the points of an argument. That is a function of the brain, not the eyes. Eyes cannot dissect anything. Why do people constantly claim that Meyer is some kind of literary genius when she constantly uses her words wrong? {+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella says something I find funny. It wasn’t meant to be funny, but I’ve been wanting to say this to Edward for a long time now.

 

“I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re really not as scary as you think you are…”

 

Of course, saying this seriously would destabilize the entire “bad boy” image Meyer’s built up for Eddiekins, so Meyer feels the need to make it perfectly clear that Bella is lying.

Edward raises his eyes in “blatant disbelief”, the word “blatant” being unnecessary in that sentence. As if to say “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!”, Edward assumes a threatening stance. Bella has enough time to comment on his “perfect teeth” before he tackles her. You read that right. Bella said he isn’t scary, and in response he fucking tackles her! It isn’t a playful tackle, either. She’s becomes airborne, they crash into the sofa, and are knocked into the wall.

How reckless, irresponsible, and immature is this guy? (+1 Red Flag)

 

“All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection  around me — I was barely jostled.”

 

BUUUUUUUUULSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

The laws of physics don’t work that way. If you were struck by a human-sized stone-like object moving at a speed so great it can’t be detected by the naked eye, with so much force that it caused you to go airborne, only to have your flight broken by hitting a nearby wall, you would be fucked seven ways to Sunday. If this happened in reality, Bella could be looking at broken bones, punctured organs, a cracked skull, and other injuries depending on where she was struck and the angle at which she hit the object that broke her flight. Edward having his arms around her would do next to nothing to protect her. You fail, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, haven’t Sparklefairies been described as stone previously, and now they’re suddenly iron? I’m so glad to finally see some consistency in this book. *eye roll*

 

But Bella-Sue isn’t hurt at all. She tries to right herself, but Edward doesn’t let her.

 

“He wasn’t having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains. I glared at him in alarm, but he seemed well in control, his jaw relaxed as he grinned, his eyes bright only with humor.”

 

This is the perfect metaphor for Bedward’s relationship, isn’t it? Once again Edward does whatever the hell he wants, and damn how Bella might feel about it. Bella glares at him in alarm, clearly uncomfortable. Edward shows just how much of a bastard he is by finding Bella’s reaction amusing. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“You were saying?” he growled playfully.”

 

What the hell was that little stunt supposed to prove? That if you do something completely out of left field Bella will be startled? What a douche. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella wants to get up, but Sparklefairy just laughs it off. Silly woman, will she want to vote next?

Someone’s at the door, no doubt having heard the crash and wondering what was going on. Wouldn’t it have been really funny if the couch had ended up colliding with his CD collection? Anyway, it’s Alice and Jasper. Edward publicly shows dominance over Bella by forcing her on to his lap. What a douche.

 

“… she walked–almost danced, her movements were so graceful–to the center of the room, where she folded herself sinuously onto the floor.”

 

While this passage doesn’t top, “bouquets of brilliant anemones undulating ceaselessly” it’s still pretty bad. I get the feeling Meyer thinks that her Sparklefairies are the best thing ever, so they can’t walk, they have to dance. They also can’t sit down, they have to, “fold themselves sinuously.” You’d think she could at least let the Sparklefairies perform basic tasks without loading it down with adjectives. The book doesn’t need to come to a screeching halt because, oooh, one of the Sparklefairies rang a doorbell and you have to describe how gracefully he pressed the button. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.”

 

HA HA HA, it’s funny because they were talking about Bella’s gruesome murder! Oh, Meyer, you joker! (+1 Stupidity)

That joke is in incredibly poor taste, especially given that Bella is sitting right there and might be a little uncomfortable about being in a room with monsters talking about eating her, even if it is a joke. What’s more, I think they might actually be serious.

Let’s think about this. They heard a violent crashing sound, generally a sign of conflict unless Edward breaks his furniture on a regular basis. They had no way of knowing what was going on in there, so even if they weren’t 100% certain that Edward was eating Bella (Not that way, you sickos.) , the thought must have at least crossed their minds.

Don’t give me the bullshit about Alice’s plot-device powers, either. Even if she did know, don’t you think she might have cared to share that with Jasper?

 

“Jasper,  however, paused at the door, his expression a trifle shocked.”

 

At least one of them was expecting a free snack.

Like the douche he is, Edward finds this funny.

 

“Sorry, I don’t believe I have enough to spare,” he replied, his arms holding me recklessly close.
”

 

I guess twu wuv in Meyerland is code for, “get the hell away from me.” Then again, this might be because Edward is holding Bella against her will (again) so no stupidity point this time.

Oh, it seems that Alice’s- oh, hell, can I just refer to her as Plot Device from now on?-powers allow her to predict the weather too. At first I thought that she’d just watched the weather report, but then Bella comments about her being more reliable than the weatherman, implying that the prediction comes from Plot Device and not from the news. Her powers do just about anything Meyer wants them to do, huh?

Turns out there’s going to be a storm and they’re going out to play sparkleball. They invite Bella, who agrees so as not to disappoint Edward. Since there will be a storm, Bella asks if she should bring an umbrella, which they find funny for some reason.

 

“They all three laughed aloud.”

 

Do I even NEED to point out what’s wrong with that sentence?

Plot Device goes to check if Carlisle will go with them, and apparently she runs like a ballerina. Okay, I just can’t take it anymore. Every time Meyer describes Plot Device’s movements I laugh at how ridiculous the descriptions are, but I realize that some of you require a visual.

Meyer just compared Plot Device rushing off to Carlisle to ballet. If you’ve ever seen a ballet performance you know how silly that is. Take a look at this.

Jasper somehow manages to close the door inconspicuously, as opposed to the eye-catching manner most people normally close doors in. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And the chapter ends.

You’re probably expecting something incredibly witty and amusing, but this book has been so utterly stupid I just don’t have the energy.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +13

Thesaurus Rape: +4

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: +3

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +204

Angst: +22

Bitch: +68

Thesaurus Rape: +63

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +27

Red Flag: +55

Redemption: +7