Posts Tagged ‘Jacob Black’

What this chapter should be called: Conveniences (and bad writing)
Fucks I give: There are no words
Chapters left: 2

I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?

Wrong.

So very, very wrong.

“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”

Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.

Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.

What this chapter should be called: The battle that wasn’t

Fucks I give: 2

Chapters left: 3

This is it, guys! The Volturi have finally arrived. The battle must be near. Everything is just so exciting!

“The faint brushing sound of their feet was so regular it was like music, a complicated beat that never faltered. At some sign I did not see—or perhaps there was no sign, only millennia of practice—the configuration folded outward. The motion was too stiff, too square to resemble the opening of a flower, though the color suggested that; it was the opening of a fan, graceful but very angular. The gray-cloaked figures spread to the flanks while the darker forms surged precisely forward in the center, each movement closely controlled.”

 

The Volturi’s grand entrance is well choreographed and only a couple songs away from being a great Bollywood dance number. Behind the main guard streams in a horde of other vampires, an angry mob not even bothering to hide their emotions. It’s clear they’ve come to see the Cullens punished.

“And then, as if their numbers were not enough, while the Volturi slowly and majestically advanced, more vampires began entering the clearing behind them. The faces in this seemingly endless influx of vampires were the antithesis to the Volturi’s expressionless discipline—they wore a kaleidoscope of emotions. At first there was the shock and even some anxiety as they saw the unexpected force awaiting them. But that concern passed quickly; they were secure in their overwhelming numbers, secure in their position behind the unstoppable Volturi force. “

 

Oh my God. Who the hell thinks like this? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Edward snarls and says that “Alastair was right.” The Volturi have indeed come to destroy AND acquire. In case Irina’s claims prove to be false, Aro and Caius have planned to find some other reason to start a glitter-filled battle. But, now that they can see Renesmee, they’re confident in their course of action. They suddenly freeze and hold their line on the opposite side of the clearing.
(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Worst Christmas Ever

Fucks I give: -4

Chapters left: 5

 

The first part of this chapter is bland and boring. Bella arrives home and hears Edward playing her lullaby on the piano. This makes her want to cry because, even though everyone else in the house seems so hopeful, Bella knows from her trip to Seattle that they’re all doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! (+1 Angst)

 

 

“Did you have a good time with Charlie today?” “Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won’t be much of an event, but . . .” I shrugged. Edward’s lips turned down. He quit playing and spun around on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “I hadn’t thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it—” “No,” I interrupted him. I flinched internally at the idea of trying to fake more enthusiasm than the bare minimum. “I just didn’t want to let it pass without giving her something.” “Do I get to see?” “If you want. It’s only a little thing.”

 

 

Bella feeds Edward a lie about how she popped out of Charlie’s to do some Christmas shopping for Renesmee — and then produces a little antique golden locket with “more than my own life” inscribed in French on it. (Dramatic much?)

Bella suggests that she go out and play-fight with Edward, but he shoots that idea down and insists on taking baby back to their sex cottage. 

 

“Emmett—on the sofa with Rose and holding the remote, of course—looked up and grinned in anticipation. “Excellent. The forest needs thinning.” Edward frowned at Emmett and then at me. “There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. “There’s no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and—” He cut me off. “Tomorrow.” And his expression was such that not even Emmett argued.”

 

 

I don’t know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn’t offer any explanation either. I’d understand if she had said, “Edward wouldn’t let me train with Emmett because he’s a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist.” But she doesn’t say that. She says nothing and does as she’s told. What a wonderful relationship these two have. (+1 Red Flag) (more…)

What this chapter should be called: Is that you, plot? Where the hell have you been?
Fucks I give: 1 confusion fuck

 

Before we get into this chapter, let’s have a quick recap of last chapter: first Bella will go to Italy, then South America. Meanwhile, Alaska vamp Irina showed up for mysterious reasons. Up to now, this story has been about as engaging as the back of a shampoo bottle and twice as useless.

But now, it’s plot time.

 

“Carlisle and Edward had not been able to catch up with Irina before her trail disappeared into the sound. They’d swum to the other bank to see if her trail had picked up in a straight line, but there was no trace of her for miles in either direction on the eastern shore.”

 

No one is able to find Irina, because she’s super good at playing hide-and-seek. Bella, as usual, mopes around and feels terrible, deciding that it must be her fault Irina ran. Because there’s so much she could have done to prevent the situation. Right. (+1 Angst)

Alice is only able to catch fuzzy glimpses of Irina’s future, because Irina isn’t deciding so much where she’s going as she is just going. Um, okay. If I hop in my car and take off down the highway, going wherever catches my attention, eventually my gas tank is gonna get low. At some point, I’ll have to make the decision to stop for gas. Same goes for Irina. She will make some decision, no matter how small, that Alice theoretically should be able to see.
(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Make it stop, Lord, please
Fucks I give: – 1 quadrillion

I’m in a pretty shitty mood right now, and it’ll probably show as I write this chapter’s review. Why am I in such a terrible mood? Mostly because last chapter, we were left with Bella lunging for Jacob’s throat. I foolishly believed that this chapter would be a continuation of the action set up in the last one.

Boy, was I wrong.

 

“I’m so sorry, Seth. I should have been closer.” Edward was still apologizing, and I didn’t think that was either fair or appropriate. After all, Edward hadn’t completely and inexcusably lost control of his temper. Edward hadn’t tried to rip Jacob’s head off—Jacob, who wouldn’t even phase to protect himself—and then accidentally broken Seth’s shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between. Edward hadn’t almost killed his best friend.”

 

Instead of witnessing the tussle, we’ve skipped ahead to 15 after the actual tussle. Bella is the worst narrator ever. She barely tells us what happened, and she does a fairly craptastic job with that, too. Bella could go watch a kung fu tournament, be quiet for an hour, and then describe it to us as, “some guys did kung fu and I watched.” (+1 Stupidity)
(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion

 

This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.

 

“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”

 

Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)
(more…)

What I would call this chapter: FETUS EXPLOSION LIFTOFF
Fucks I give: ALL FUCKS GIVEN

For this chapter, I’m going to be giving out Gore points. It’s that bad. Also, I’m going to be going on hiatus for 2-3 weeks. Next week is finals for me, I’m about to start a new job, and I need some time to adjust to the idea of having to go back to Bella’s thoughts again. Hang in there.


Of three things I am certain:
1. Bert and Ernie are gay.
2. Math will never not suck.
3. This book has crossed into a new level of batshit insane that I can’t keep up with.

Anyway.

Bella is flapping around wildly, flailing and making cracking sounds while everyone else is stunned. I’m assuming that the cracking sounds mean the baby is trying to kick its way out of the uterus. Why it isn’t using its teeth like everyone has been saying it would is anyone’s guess. (+1 Stupidity)

“Rosalie whipped Bella’s body into her arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate the individual words, she and Edward shot up the staircase to the second floor. I sprinted after them. “Morphine!” Edward yelled at Rosalie. “Alice—get Carlisle on the phone!” Rosalie screeched.”

(more…)