Posts Tagged ‘Alice Cullen’

What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4


We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.



“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”



Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.


What this chapter should be called: Burning this book because it sucks
Fucks I give: -4

So, we are suddenly back in Bella’s head for reasons unknown.


All in all, this is a really pointless chapter. Remember the gory birth scene that we endured a couple weeks ago? Yeah, well, we get to do it again from Bella’s perspective. Don’t expect a whole lot out of me on this one, mkay? I’ve already done this once. I really don’t want to do it again, this time with Bella telling me how much pain she’s in. Which is essentially the point of this chapter.

I may have bitched about the way Meyer, wrote Jacob, but I’d rather have him than Bella. Good Lord, I’d forgotten how pretentious and overwritten she is.


What Bella would call this chapter: Tortured Misery
Fucks I give: I do not give them anywhere


Let me start out by saying that I could have written this entire chapter in four sentences. Jacob is sad that he doesn’t have a home. Edward is sad because Bella is going to die. Bella is sad because she’s always sad. Everyone is very sad, but will not get off their asses to do anything about it. See? There. Done. Why Meyer didn’t just write that, I have no idea. Something about the nonexistent plot and sadness, probably.


“When I got back to the house, there was no one waiting outside for my report. Still on alert? Everything’s cool, I thought tiredly. My eyes quickly caught a small change in the now-familiar scene. There was a stack of light-colored fabric on the bottom step of the porch. I loped over to investigate. Holding my breath, because the vampire smell stuck to the fabric like you wouldn’t believe, I nudged the stack with my nose. Someone had laid out clothes. Huh.”


Jacob whines about how nice it was for the Cullens to give him their clothes (+1 Angst) but carries them away to the forest to make sure no one’s playing a joke on him and given him girl’s clothes or something. But the clothes aren’t made for girls, so Jacob puts them on and heads back to the Cullen house.


What this chapter should be called: Not-so-big day
Fucks I give: -1


This chapter is interesting. It doesn’t seem specifically designed to bore me. It’s actually not that horrible. Alice makes no predictions. Edward doesn’t upset me with his creepy and possessive nature. Jasper doesn’t tell anyone to move sideways. There is not a single mention of souls. For a Twilight chapter, this is pretty astonishing.

But, for all the buildup, it’s rather…well, it’s rather under-dramatic. Bella gets married, and that’s it. Seeing as we’ve had three book’s worth of buildup prior to this, I expected a little more. Though I do compliment Meyer for avoiding common wedding cliches, like losing the ring or saying the wrong name during vows, a little excitement would have been nice.

For those of you who, for some inexplicable reason, still care, here’s how it goes: Bella wakes up panting and gasping. (From anxiety, not sex. Pffft.) Her dream about babies has totally creeped her out. She heads downstairs to make Charlie breakfast, and reminds him that he has to pick up the minister at three, don’t forget, mkay? Alice shows up to collect Bella so she can dress her up like a life-size meatsack barbie doll. Fun times are ahead.

What this chapter should be called: Wants
Edward creep-o-meter: 3


So, a certain character in this book isn’t handling the end of a relationship very well. (Hint: It’s not Mike.) Yes, folks, Bella is double-sad because she just dumped Jacob.


“I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.”


Why is Bella so torn up about this? Every page of New Moon and well over 75% of the pages in this book have been dedicated to the fact that Bella cannot function without Eddiekins. Bella and Jacob weren’t even going out in the first place. This was less of a dump than it was a slight drop. (+1 Angst)

Bella has a meltdown in her truck, But luckily, deus ex Alice has a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and Edward appears not a minute later. Does anyone else think it’s creepy that Edward can just pop up anywhere? I’m starting to think he really does just follow Bella around 24/7. Edward just starts driving; not saying anything while Bella blubbers about how she wants warm fuzzies instead of cold clammies. Boo fucking hoo. You had your chance, Bella, and you passed it up. Stop making everyone else as miserable as you. (+1 Angst)

What this chapter should be called: Bella wuz here
Edward creep-o-meter: 5

* Here’s the next chapter a little early to make up for stiffing you last week. *
Alright, so we’re back to your regularly scheduled pudding for this week. (Sorry. Rhyming everything really is fucking hard.) Bella is getting dressed (thrilling, huh?) and trying very hard not to think about marriage.

She is no longer wearing her engagement ring because of this. Or maybe the ring is just impossible to detect with the naked eye.


“Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.”


Pesky invisible rings. Those things are never worth the money. I’ve bought, like, three, and they keep getting lost in the pool.


“This shouldn’t bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn’t take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.”


Bella reminds us for the 15th time that weddings are really just not her cup of tea, so she’ll just have a shotgun wedding in Vegas. That way, she can wear her sweatpants with words on the ass, and when the Justice of Peace tells them to kiss, they can just fist-bump instead. Also, she’ll probably ditch her shirt, because that’s just too formal. She’s leaning towards a bikini top, or maybe just some tasteful pasties. Good Lord. As we all know, this whole marriage conundrum is entirely Bella’s self-created problem, so I don’t feel to bad for her. (+1 Bitch)

What this chapter should be called: BOOOOORRRINNNGGGG
Edward creep-o-meter: 7


Allow me to summarize this chapter for you: graduation party, graduation party, graduation party, werewolves, graduation party, werewolf/vampire team-up FINALLY.

There, is that good enough? Can I please, please be done now?


Goddamn it.

So, we start out with Bella on the steps of Casa de Cullen, with Edward kissing her passionately. Uh-oh, Sparklepeen never kisses her passionately unless something bad is about to happen. And he definitely never spontaneously kisses her. Shit’s about to go down, guys.

They head in to the house, which is decked out like a pimpin’ nightclub. Damn. does Alice really have nothing better to do than plan parties for obnoxious mortals? (+1 Stupidity) Alice is decked out to party too, in sparkly clothes and leather pants.

Because Alice is so stupid and perfect and sweet, there is nothing for Bella to do besides describe her leather pants. (+1 Cream Count) Edward takes this as an invitation to literally drag her around after him. Yeesh, aren’t we possessive today. (+1 Red Flag)