Posts Tagged ‘giftastic’

What this chapter should be called: All the smells!
Edward creep-o-meter: 6

We fast-forward to right before the beginning of the much-anticipated vampire/werewolf team-up. This is probably for the best, as there wasn’t a whole lot of substance last chapter. Sadly, all we have for right now is Bella whining and worrying over the werewolves.


“Not Jacob, too. Not his foolish, eager brothers — most of them even younger than I was. They were just oversized, over-muscled children, and they looked forward to this like it was picnic on the beach. I could not have them in danger, too. ”


Uh, isn’t Sam, like, 20? Jacob is 16, and so are the Quilbry. (+1 Stupidity) I was under the impression that most of the werewolves were in their upper teens, so it’s a little condescending  for Bella to be calling them all children. (+1 Bitch)

Edward pulls into Bella’s driveway, and then tries to force her to stay home and sleep. Bella responds that if he doesn’t take her, she’ll call up Jacob.


“If you won’t take me, then I’ll call Jacob.” His eyes tightened. That was a low blow, and I knew it. But there was no way I was being left behind.”


See, this is what I fucking hate. Every time Bella does something terribly cold and bitchy, there’s a follow-up sentence stating that she knows how terrible it is, but she wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t so anxious, and she didn’t have any other choice! (+1 Bitch) Meyer continually tries to paint Bella as a kind, sympathetic character, when we are constantly seeing all evidence to the contrary! (+1 Stupidity)

We get to watch as Bella washes her face and changes her clothes, which is the most thrilling thing I’ve read in this book so far. She cuddles with Eddie darling for a moment, and then it’s time to head out to, “Killing Newborn Vamps 101.” Edward still wishes Bella would just go the fuck to sleep, but doesn’t put up much of an argument since he knows how stubborn and dumb she is.


What this chapter should be called: Sherlock Bella

Edward creep-o-meter: 4


Okay, so here’s chapter 16, which is confusingly titled “epoch”. (Can you figure this out? I sure as hell can’t.) Fair warning, this chapter is full of graduation fluff, and Bella being, somehow, both a wet blanket and a giant Sue. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

We start out with the full contents of Bella’s closet strewn across her room and Meyer grossly misunderstanding what teenage girls wear.


“My khaki skirt lay over the back of the rocking chair, waiting for me to discover something that went with it just exactly right. Something that would make me look beautiful and grown up. Something that said special occasion. I was coming up empty.”


Uh, it’s khaki. Isn’t the whole point of khaki is that it goes with everything? (+1 Stupidity) Besides, since when do you even care what you look like, Bella?

Salvation appears in a Deus ex Alice, who brought Bella an outfit to make up for the fact that her shitty powers nearly caused Bella to be killed. (I bet if Alice ran Charlie over with the Porsche, she would send Bella a nice vanilla lotion set, and maybe a cheap edible arrangement.) Apparently Bella can’t even pick her clothes without help. Coolio. Alice laughs about how nice it is that Bella’s predictable and if only she could figure out what’s up with Seattle.

“Well, at least this makes up for missing your annoying thief — now I just have to figure out what I’m not seeing in Seattle.” When she said the words that way — putting the two situations together in one sentence — right then it clicked. The elusive something that had been bothering me for days, the important connection that I couldn’t quite put together, suddenly became clear. I stared at her, my face frozen with whatever expression was already in place.”


And Sherlock Bella makes her grand appearance.