Posts Tagged ‘Quileutes’

What Bella would call this chapter: Crepusculent Infirmity
Fucks I give: And a single fuck was given

Note: There will probably not be a review next week. I’m heading out of town tomorrow, and unless some kind of miracle happens, there won’t be time for me to write a new post.
Whoa! Out of absolutely nowhere, Bella has stopped narrating this book! Yes, this section of the book is being narrated by Jacob, which is awesome for a few reasons. For one, we don’t have to pretend to care about Sparklepeen’s marbley biceps anymore, nor do we have to hear Bella yap about her miserable life. Plus, the chapter titles are fucking awesome. So, as you may have noticed, I’m changing the way I rename chapters for this particular section.

The downside of this sudden switch in narration is that we now have to pretend to care about how awesome Bella is and hear Jacob yap (howl?) about his miserable life. Poop. still, I suppose I would rather listen to him than Bella. Onward!

 

“Jeez, Paul, don’t you freaking have a home of your own?” Paul, lounging across my whole couch, watching some stupid baseball game on my crappy TV, just grinned at me and then—real slow—he lifted one Dorito from the bag in his lap and wedged it into his mouth in one piece.”

 

In usual Twilight fashion, the section kicks off with a tiny whimper. Jacob is hanging out with Paul. Damn, I forgot this guy even existed, it’s been so long since the wolves were mentioned. Oh and there are some new wolves in the pack, too. I don’t know their names so let’s just call them Walrus and Mike 2.
(more…)

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What this chapter should be called: Jacob! Come back! I’m not done using you!

Bella like-o-meter: -100,000

 

Where we left off, our weak-willed bitch senseless little floozy indomitable heroine decided she’d had enough of being dumped, and decides to end it all by throwing herself off a cliff and drowning.

But someone

for some reason

decided to save her.

Fuck my life.

 

“The current wouldn’t let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs.”

 

Jacob pounds on her back, getting all the water out of her lungs. Whoopee. Bella decides that dying suddenly isn’t so fun now that she can’t hallucinate Edward’s voice anymore.

(more…)

What this chapter should be called: Suicide is love, right?

Bella like-o-meter: -100,000,000,000,000

 

Warning: In this chapter, Bella tries to commit suicide. I know this is a pretty delicate topic, and while I think suicide is a very serious issue in real life, this is a horribly written fiction novel, so jokes are made, because taking it seriously in the context it’s written in is fucking impossible. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In this chapter, Bella gets even more unlikeable. I didn’t even think that was possible. And for those of you who believe that Bella could honestly not get any dumber, this chapter is going to confuse and frighten you.

Somehow we’ve fast-forwarded to spring break in Forks, mostly so Meyer doesn’t have to write about any boring mortals. Bella spends all her time at La Push. Jacob follows her around when she’s not in La Push. Bella broods over her relationship with Jacob.

 

“When we walked along the beach now, he always held my hand. This made me brood over what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his “girlfriend.” I supposed that that was exactly what it looked like from the outside.”

(more…)

What this chapter should be called: The double standards of Bella Swan.

Bella like-o-meter: 2

 

SOMETHING’S AT THE WINDOW!

I know, let’s go right up and see what it is! (+1 Stupidity)

 

Confused and clumsy with sleep, I stumbled out of my bed and to the window, blinking the lingering tears from my eyes on the way.”

So she goes up to the window and – OH MY GOD IT’S VICTORIA SHE’S FINALLY COME TO EAT BELLA AND MAYBE CHARLIE THEY’RE SO DEAD THIS IS THE END OF THE SERIES AS WE KNOW –

Nah, just kidding. It’s only Jacob.

 

“What are you doing?” I gasped. Jacob was clinging precariously to the top of the spruce that grew in the middle of Charlie’s little front yard. His weight had bowed the tree toward the house and he now swung—his legs dangling twenty feet above the ground—not a yard away from me. The thin branches at the tip of the tree scraped against the side of the house again with a grating squeal. “I’m trying to keep”—he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him—”my promise!”

 

Awww. Okay. I guess Jacob’s still the most morally upright character in this series.

Bella opens up the window for him to jump in, which he does. Bella is worried that he’s going to fall and kill himself the whole time. News flash, I really don’t think falling from 20 feet up feet-first onto wet grass would kill you. (+1 Stupidity) I know for a fact it wouldn’t kill Bella, since her skull seems to be comprised of a hard, diamond-like substance, imbued with Sue-Strength and impervious to trees, 45 mph collisions, and original thought.

So Jacob swings into her room, and lands agilely on his feet. Maybe he’s taken up gymnastics in the past few weeks he’s been ignoring Bella. Bella is pissed that he’s here.

 

“I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore—the insult after the injury.”

 

His rejection? How can you reject someone that you aren’t even dating? We all know Bella was crystal clear about the fact that Jacob was only a friend, but he magically becomes her boyfriend when she’s feeling especially down. This is the boy she knew was into her, continually used, manipulated, and led on, and yet she’s pissed at him? What a filthy hypocrite. (+1 Bitch)

But Bella is mostly pissed because it reminds her of how Edward snuck in through her window, which really tears at that metaphorical hole. (+1 Angst)

 

“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could. He blinked, his face going blank with surprise. “No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.” “I don’t accept!”

 

She tries to shove him out the window, which works as well as you might imagine. Why the fuck didn’t she have this reaction when she found out Edward had broken into her house for weeks? How did Bella magically grow a spine? (+1 Stupidity)

Before I catch any flak for giving Jacob a different treatment than I gave Edward, let me remind you of a few things. Jacob has come here to apologize for hurting Bella. Edward just liked to watch her sleep. Never did I see Edward even attempt to apologize to Bella for anything. Also, Bella is a giant flaming hypocrite for thinking it’s okay for Edward to break into her house, invade her privacy without her knowledge, and generally be a creeper, but it’s not okay for Jacob to come over for a semi-coherent reason.

Bella stops giving him crap, however, because she’s so tired that she swoons and now Jacob needs to make sure she’s okay.

 

“Why did you come here? I don’t want apologies from you, Jake.” “I know,” he whispered. “But I couldn’t leave things the way I did this afternoon. That was horrible. I’m sorry.” I shook my head wearily. “I don’t understand anything.” “I know. I want to explain—” He broke off suddenly, his mouth open, almost like something had cut off his air. Then he sucked in a deep breath. “But I can’t explain,” he said, still angry.”

 

Okay, so Jacob is clearly acting as though he has some sort of supernatural compulsion not to tell Bella what he wants to. Now that’s cult-like behavior. He waffles around for a bit, then concludes that if he can’t tell her, he can help her try to guess at his furry little problem.

Jacob asks if she remembers the stories he told her when they first met at La Push. Oh, yeah! That’s when Bella first got in to her habit of manipulating him. Right-o.

 

“Yes, I remember,” I breathed. He inhaled deeply, struggling. “Do you remember all the stor—” He couldn’t finish the question. His mouth popped open like something had stuck in his throat. “All the stories?” I asked. He nodded mutely. My head churned. Only one story really mattered. I knew he’d begun with others, but I couldn’t remember the inconsequential prelude, especially not while my brain was so clouded with exhaustion.”

 

Of course, Bella only really remembers the one about the Cold Ones, because that’s all she gives a damn about, which Jacob bitterly recognizes. Dumb beezy. (+1 Stupidity) Since she’s a girl, she gives up almost right away. She’ll probably Google it later.

Jacob isn’t supposed to be around Bella, for reasons unknown.

 

“Then why aren’t you supposed to see me?” I demanded. “It’s not safe,” he mumbled looking down. His words sent a thrill of fear through me.”

 

Holy shit, this is just too familiar. Does Meyer think that the only guys worth loving are ones that threaten or allude to hurting you? I suppose now that Jacob is all buff and wolfy and could snap Bella like a toothpick, she’ll totally want him back. Meyer’s idea of “love” just makes me want to vomit. (+1 Stupidity) Fuck, maybe Mike just needs to a gym membership and a vaguely threatening personality. Bella will be all over him.

This may tie back to what I said in Twilight, but this whole debacle almost makes Jacob as bad as Edward. He obviously knows he’s a danger, but he decides to throw all caution to the wind and put Bella in harm’s way. Jesus Christ. They do have telephones in this day and age, you know. As much as I like Jacob, and realize that this is probably more part of an unhealthy obsession on Meyer’s end than on Jacob’s actual character, I can’t let him slide for this one. (+1 Red Flag)

On a side note, I’ll divvy up the Red Flag points into two separate categories, one for Sparklepeen and one for Wolfballs.

Jacob leaves, Bella goes back to sleep, and she has another one of those lovely prophetic dreams of hers. The ones that have absolutely no basis in the rest of the story other than to serve as Meyer’s rickety vehicle for foreshadowing, because she’s too incompetent to do it any other way. Those dreams.

 

“And then Jacob was there. He grabbed my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest. “Jacob, what’s wrong?” I asked. His face was the frightened face of a boy, and his hair was beautiful again, swept back into a ponytail on the nape of his neck. He yanked with all his strength, but I resisted; I didn’t want to go into the dark. “Run, Bella, you have to run!” he whispered, terrified.”

 

Dear Lord, here we go.

 

“Jacob dropped my hand and yelped. Shaking and twitching, he fell to the ground at my feet. “Jacob!” I screamed, but he was gone. In his place was an enormous, red-brown wolf with dark, intelligent eyes. The dream veered off course, like a train jumping the tracks. This was not the same wolf that I’d dreamed of in another life. This was the great russet wolf I’d stood half a foot from in the meadow, just a week ago. This wolf was gigantic, monstrous, bigger than a bear. This wolf stared intently at me, trying to convey something vital with his intelligent eyes. The black-brown, familiar eyes of Jacob Black.”

 

Here’s an idea, Meyer: instead of giving your Mary-Sue more mystical magic powers, why don’t you just foreshadow LIKE A REGULAR FUCKIN’ AUTHOR. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella wakes up screaming.

No, I’m not kidding. She wakes up screaming. How pathetic is that? “I HAD A DREAM ABOUT BIG DOGS AND IT SCARED ME SILLY!” Yeesh. Is there anything strong about this girl? (And no, I don’t count her strong sense of stupidity.)

 

“There was something stuck in my throat, choking me. I tried to swallow it down, but it was lodged there, un-moving. I tried to spit it out. “Werewolf,” I gasped.”

 

So now words in the Meyerverse have the ability to stick in your throat like half-chewed lumps taco meat. Great. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella finally puts two and two together on the whole stupid werewolf thing. (Google was not harmed in the making of this realization.) My God, how terrifying! She starts to wonder how fucked up the world is that she can find both vampires and werewolves in the same small town. To that, I have one word: Hellmouth. Bella wonders if maybe vamps and wolves are everywhere, and maybe she just hasn’t noticed. World of Darkness, anyone?

 

“Wasn’t one myth enough for anyone, enough for a lifetime? Besides, there’d never been one moment that I wasn’t completely aware that Edward Cullen was above and beyond the ordinary. It wasn’t such a surprise to find out what he was—because he so obviously was something. But Jacob? Jacob, who was just Jacob, and nothing more than that? Jacob, my friend? Jacob, the only human I’d ever been able to relate to…
And he wasn’t even human.”

 

Bella continues to flip out over the fact that Jacob is a werewolf, in stark contrast to the realization that Edward was a vampire. Of course, she justifies that away by saying she never doubted that Edward was supernatural, but Jacob? Jacob was a totally normal 6.5 ft 16 year-old with a crazy cult following him! Nothing to see here! (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I fought the urge to scream again. What did this say about me?”

 

Instead of worrying about the fact that Jacob turns into a freaking wolf, Bella immediately flips this around and makes it about her. (+1 Bitch) It must be so hard knowing that you’re the main character and the entire plot-hole filled Meyerverse revolves around you and your poorly planned personality.

WAIT. I just had a thought: why doesn’t Bella, you know, ask Jacob to make her a werewolf? I bet Jacob would and I bet THAT would get Eddie back. (What? She’s been using Jacob all along!)

 

Bella: You don’t want me to be a vampire, Eddie? Fine, I’ll be an immortal WEREWOLF. Nyah nyah nyah nyah!

 

Oh wait, I forgot, that would mean she’d have to be smart, manipulative, and have a personality. She only does the first two “by mistake” or “not really” and she doesn’t have a personality. Crud.

Bella throws on some clothes and rushes down the stairs because she needs to see Jacob RIGHT NOW. THIS IS URGENT, GUISE. Charlie stops her on the way down.

 

“Yeah. I have to go see Jacob.” “I thought the thing with Sam—”
”That doesn’t matter, I have to talk to him right now.” “It’s pretty early.”

 

Yeah, let’s rush over to his house at like, 6 in the morning. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you. Charlie barely pretends to give a damn. Never mind the fact that if I tried to rush out the door to my best friend’s house at O’dark thirty, I would be denied and sent back to my room to wait until a decent hour. (+1 Stupidity)

But Charlie gives her the green light, and just tells her not to make any unexpected stops along the way (Read: no wandering around the forest aimlessly, you stupid bitch.) because the wolves have been dragging off more people. Naturally, the townspeople of Forks are going to go out and kill them!

Stephenie Meyer, friend to all endangered animals. (+1 Stupidity)

 (Amended: If wolves were actually attacking people, they would be hunted down. In some cases, they MIGHT, especially with endangered species like wolves, be able to be relocated somewhere where they would never ever run into people–but that’s unlikely. It’s routine to hunt and kill animals which attack and kill humans of their own volition.

For example: if someone goes out and hangs with grizzlies and gets eaten, a la that Canadian couple a few years back, everybody’s just like, “Idiots.” and goes on with life.

However, if a wolf comes out of the woods and attacks people without provocation, they ARE killed, even if just to test for rabies. See: http://www.wildsentry.org/WolfAttack.html

So Meyer actually did have it right there. As stated before: Million Monkey Theorem.

Also, to be fair, there haven’t been any accounts of the wolves actually eating people–it’s “someone disappears and then a few minutes later we see wolves.” A solid conclusion, for once, but it bears explaining. This is pretty much beating a dead horse now, so I’ll stop.  [+1 Stupidity])

Eat grizzlies! Hunt wolves! Protect human-rending creatures of the night!

Well, Meyer’s priorities are clearly set for the best of society.

 

“If he hadn’t been watching me, I would have put my head between my knees. I’d forgotten about the missing hikers, the bloody paw prints… I hadn’t connected those facts to my first realization.”

 

I think it’s really cool how, even though Bella knows that there were at least 2 people-eating Sparklepires in the area as of late, she still ends up turning the blame onto the wolves. (+1 Stupidity)

The moral conundrums start piling up. Jacob is her best friend, but he’s also a mythical monster (completely ignoring that Edward is, too). She should go warn him, but does she really want to warn him if he’s a murderer? (Completely ignoring that Edward is, too.) I mean, they’re creatures from horror movies, wouldn’t it be wrong to protect them? (COMPLETELY IGNORING THAT EDWARD IS, TOO.) (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The werewolves had chosen a different path. Now, what should I choose?”

 

Gee, I don’t know. Why don’t you go find that guy who you manipulated into thinking he was your boyfriend and go talk him into only eating grizzly bears and cougars like your sweet gorgeous godlike destroying angel of an ex-boyfriend did before he left you alone in the woods and stole your stuff?

Is Bella a filthy hypocrite or what?

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +12

Angst: +1

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +1

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +125

Angst: +23

Bitch: +24

Thesaurus Rape: +25

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: Sparklepeen=12 Wolfballs=1

Redemption: +2

What this chapter should be called: Anything but werewolves, right?

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

You all deserve to suffer as I have.

Because this chapter is horrible.

Another week passes. Bella mopes around and looks pale and jumps at everything.

 

“The terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another week had passed, and Jacob still hadn’t called me. But when I was able to concentrate on my normal life—if my life was really ever normal—this upset me.”

 

Charlie, as usual, doesn’t do a damn thing about it, besides blaming it on Jacob’s continued absence and going out to fish some more. Ugh. Bella seriously starts to experience some serious withdrawal, and since she has nothing better to do, she obsesses over why Jacob hasn’t called her.

 

“On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob’s voice.”

 

Instead of just accepting that maybe Jacob didn’t want to be around someone who continually led him on, Bella decides that the best option would just be to pester the shit out of poor Jacob and his dad. So, she calls until eleven. Holy crap. (+1 Bitch)

Right about here, Meyer realizes that Bella is acting like a psychotic bitch, so she slips in some obligatory martyrdom on Bella’s part.

 

“Thursday I sat in my truck in front of my house—with the locks pushed down—keys in hand, for a solid hour. I was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to La Push, but I couldn’t do it. I knew that Laurent had gone back to Victoria by now. If I went to La Push, I took the chance of leading one of them there. What if they caught up to me when Jake was nearby? As much as it hurt me, I knew it was better for Jacob that he was avoiding me. Safer for him.”

 

Wow, Bella is just such a caring person. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella worries so much, she starts to develop a matching hole in her stomach. Great. Another dripping gaping ripped metaphorical hole to hear about. (+1 Stupidity)

After another week of worrying and stressing and bullshitting, realization finally hits Bella like a frying pan to the face.

 

“As soon as I thought of it, I felt really stupid for not seeing it sooner. Sure. I’d had a lot on my mind—revenue-obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest—but when I laid the evidence out, it was embarrassingly obvious. Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset. . . . Billy’s vague, unhelpful answers.”

 

CLANG!

Meet my friend, Freddy the frying pan. May or may not be a distant cousin of the LotD’s Frankie.  Every time I find something horrendously stupid, Freddy comes out to play. Watch out, Meyer.

Also, what revenue– obsessed vampire is she referring to here? Have any of the sparklepires we’ve met so far been obsessed with the income of a government from taxation, excise duties, customs, or other sources, appropriated to the payment of the public expenses? What the fuck? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella deduces that Sam must have gotten to Jacob. How, you may ask? Her dreams, of course. Yes, that dream with Sam Uley has also turned out to be vaguely prophetic. Move over, Sherlock. (+1 Stupidity)

So once Bella decides that it has absolutely nothing to do with her, she rushes down to La push to save Jacob from being sucked into Sam’s cult. Yes, the cult with no troublesome behavior. The cult that prides themselves on being the protectors of the reservation. The cult we have no proof of whatsoever. But, OMG, let’s totally worry ourselves about it. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella decides to risk the drive to La Push, deciding that Laurent and Victoria have clearly moved on to bigger and better things in the past two weeks. But first, she calls up the police station to tattle to Charlie.

 

“I think… I think something weird is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me about some strange stuff happening with the other boys his age. Now he’s acting the same way and I’m scared.” “What kind of stuff?” He used his professional, police business voice. That was good; he was taking me seriously. “First he was scared, and then he was avoiding me, and now… I’m afraid he’s part of that bizarre gang down there, Sam’s gang. Sam Uley’s gang.”

 

Charlie, as usual, tells Bella to STFU and stop whining. (I’m paraphrasing.) Besides, he’s too busy with this stupid wolf thing to care about her stupid teenage drama games. The big brutes are definitely killing people now.

 

“Are you sure that’s what happened to them?” I asked. “Afraid so, honey. There was—” He hesitated. “There were tracks again, and… some blood this time.”

 

Bella assumes that the wolves survived the encounter with Laurent. Aw, gee, 5 wolves the size of Volkswagens? No sweat for a sparklepire, right? Sometimes I just love watching Bella try to think. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella is so preoccupied with this revelation that she loses track of time and where she’s driving. If Bella really is as clumsy as she claims, then how she’s able to space out and drive her truck at the same time is beyond me. (+1 Stupidity) Bella sees a boy walking along the side of the road. OMG is it Jacob? Nope, just one of the Quilbry.

 

“Even from behind, I was sure it was Quil, though he looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?”

 

By the way, I finally know which one is Quil now. He’s the burly one with the short hair. So Bella figures growth hormones….seriously. (+1 Stupidity) Anything except werewolves, right? Quil is depressed as hell, and Bella gives him a lift home.

There’s some boring exposition that I’m sure Meyer feels is loaded with tension, but is really just kind of dull. Quil says that Jacob is avoiding him, and has been hanging out with Sam and Embry and this new dude Paul.

 

“And before that—did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?” His voice was low and rough. “Not for as long as the others. Maybe one day. Then Sam caught up with him.” “What do you think it is? Drugs or something?” “I can’t see Jacob or Embry getting into anything like that… but what do I know? What else could it be?”

 

Quil hates Sam too, which I just don’t get. Quil calls it a cult, which is pretty stupid considering it has no cult-like behaviors whatsoever. (+1 Stupidity) Sounds to me like Sam’s just made all three of them his bitch.

 

“Jacob didn’t want to be a part of this… cult. I don’t understand what could change him.” He stared at me, his face frightened. “I don’t want to be next.”

 

Just his face was frightened, guys. The rest of him was okay. (+1 Thesaurus Rape/Stupidity)

Bella drops Quil off, then parks her ass in front of the Black’s house and waits. She does her homework, and Billy peeks out of the window, most likely wondering what the fuck she’s doing. Someone taps on the window. OMG it’s Jacob!

 

“Jacob had changed radically in the last weeks since I’d seen him. The first thing I noticed was his hair—his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like black satin. The planes of his face seemed to have hardened subtly, tightened… aged.”

 

That’s right, he’s actually older. WTF? I guess werewolves magically age to 21 after their first transformation so that they can legally get in to R-rated movies and date the female protagonist. (+1 Stupidity)

I’m not joking.

This is so stupid. I thought werewolves were supposed to stop aging when they started changing back and forth? So, is Jacob going to look like a 16 year old on steroids forever of what? What happens when he wants liquor and they think his ID is a fake? In the words of The Doctor:

 

Jacob: What the fuck is happening to me?

Sam: You’re a werewolf. Welcome to the tribe. No respectable hooker will ever service you. No one will ever sell you booze without checking your ID at least 5 times.  Also, we jump off cliffs for fun and engage in occasional blood wars. Get it? Blood. We fight vampires. Wordplay is a big deal for us.

 

Good Lord. (+1 Stupidity)

Jacob is understandably pissed that Bella is stalking him and stuff. Bella takes a minute to fantasize about being a vampire so she could, like bite Sam and kill him and stuff. That’d be so rad!

Bella snaps out of it when the hole in her chest aches “hollowly.” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Funny. I was under the impression that, by definition, holes are generally hollow. WTF? (+1 Stupidity)

Bella demands the other boys around to GTFO so she can talk to Jacob alone.

 

“He looked behind him, and I knew where his eyes would go. Every one of them was turned for Sam’s reaction. Sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language—I could only be positive that it wasn’t French or Spanish, but I guessed that it was Quileute.”

 

So somehow Sam is able to speak a “liquid languange.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are the words he speaks formed of water or something? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) My lord, some of the things Meyer writes just sound doofy.

Bella confronts Jacob about why he’s been ignoring her. He’s too polite to tell her he’s on to her manipulative ways, but he does tell her that he was wrong about the whole cult thing. But he can’t tell her why. But she can read these brochures, then come back later for a free e-meter reading.

Bella gives him some crap about Sam, and Jacob gets so mad he starts to shake.

 

“Stop blaming Sam.” The words came out fast, like a reflex.”

 

Bella gives him some more crap, continuing to ask him who she should blame.

 

“You asked for it,” he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. “If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

 

Oh, snap! Go Jacob!

 

“My mouth fell open and my breath came out with a whooshing sound. I was frozen in place, stabbed through with his double-edged words. The pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jagged hole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of my thoughts.”

 

So not only does Sam speak with liquids, Jacob also can stab people with his words. Maybe the Quilbry can spit fire. (+1 Stupidity) Also, another point for the redundant description of the stupid hole. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)  I seriously think the only reason why I’m not audibly laughing at this is because it’s 1 AM and my parents are sleeping.

Bella tries to play it cool, saying something along the lines of, “ok u don’t lyk vmapires wats teh big deal?” Jacob insists that it’s the Cullens, he believes his dad now, totally not a werewolf.  Normal stuff. Another psychotic Ed-isode fires up, and starts firing off unhelpful tips in Bella’s head. But she’s like, totally not in danger! That’s just silly.

You know what I haven’t been able to figure out? How Bella, if she is truly as smart as Meyer wants us to believe, hasn’t figured out that Jacob is a werewolf. I’m almost positive that if she can deduce that Edward was a vampire, after only listening to some old story and Googling a few random websites, she can figure out that Jacob is a werewolf.

 

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.” The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. “Are you… breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.”

 

GOOD SHOW. He’s not your boyfriend until he hurts you, and then  you’re all “OH NO DON’T DUMP ME.” What a callous little bitch! (+1 Bitch)

 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t… before… I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie.”

 

But not an actual lie. Good caring perfect Bella would never actually lie. (+1 Stupidity)

Here’s an observation for you: Bella’s switched places from where she was last book. Meaning, now she’s  the abuser. Think about this: In the first book, Edward had all the power. He made the decisions, controlled Bella’s life, and was generally a giant prick. Now Bella emotionally twists and extorts Jacob, assumes that she gets to decide when the relationship begins and ends, and is generally a giant bitch. If these books had been written by a better author, I would guess that it was intentional irony. Since they weren’t, it just makes Meyer look like more of an idiot.

 

“Maybe…
maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you gave me some time… just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”

 

Yeah, Jake. When she’s on her own, she realizes what a 2-D character she is, devoid of any personality, hopes, dreams, or fears that are unrelated to her love interest!

Jacob goes on about how he’s a bad person now, and a poor tortured soul. (Gee, does this sound familiar?) He tells Bella to go home.

Well, he does, at least. Bella just stands out there in the rain, hoping that if she looks pathetic enough, he’ll come back. Waaah! Someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend dumped me and now I’ll have to function on my own! (+1 Bitch)

She stands out there for so long that Billy finally has to tell her  to get lost.

 

“I’d thought Jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me so much. I’d been wrong. He’d just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I wondered why I didn’t crumble into pieces.”

 

Awwwww look at poor Bella all hurt and alone look at her FEEL SORRY FOR HER!

She drives home like a zombie, miraculously avoiding to total her truck for the umpteenth time. (+1 Stupidity) Charlie gets pissed and calls up Billy so he can tattle on Jacob.

 

“Charlie’s voice was angry. “I’m not buying that. It doesn’t make any sense.” It was quiet then, and I realized he was on the phone. A minute passed. “Don’t you put this on Bella!” Charlie suddenly shouted. I jumped. When he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. “Bella’s made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends… Well, if that was it, then why didn’t you say so at first? No, Billy, I think she’s right about this… Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before—”

 

Of course, that can’t be possible because Bella was always so clear about how Jacob was just a friend. Bella convinces herself that it isn’t her fault (see above) and that Billy must be lying to turn Charlie against her.

 

“So Billy was going to blame me. I was leading Jacob on and he’d finally had enough.”

 

I just love how Bella makes out Billy’s social skills to be about as mature as a 15 year-old boy on ChatRoulette. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella heads up to her room and cries and cries and cries. I seriously want to maul Bella with my bear hands. (See what I did there?) She is singlehandedly the most useless female character that has ever existed.

 

“That’s when I heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. Something sharp scraped along the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.”

 

Maybe Victoria is finally here to end this awful book.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +16

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +5

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +113

Angst: +22

Bitch: +22

Thesaurus Rape: +24

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +2

What this chapter should be called: The psychotic Ed-isodes strike back.

Bella like-o-meter: -3

 

I know that this will be posted on Christmas Eve, so Merry Christmas/Happy Hannukah/Happy Kwaanza/Merry Whatever the hell you celebrate! You know what you guys could give me that would make my Christmas fantastic?

I need some haters.

Seriously, it’s just boring having sane, intelligent people on this site all the time. Bring me a Twitard to make fun of or something. So go! Go forth and bring me back Twifans!

The chapter opens with Jacob trying to instruct Bella on how to ride a motorcycle, or rather, he would be if Meyer knew anything about motorcycles. (+1 Stupidity)

They finally get the damn thing started. Bella has the brains to freak out a little.

 

“I was terrified. I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. I’d already lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.”

 

Being turned into a roadkill pancake? No problemo. Boyfriend leaving? OMG TEH END OF THE WUURLLD!!1! (+1 Stupidity)

After some pointless instruction from Jacob, Bella starts to accelerate, bringing on psychotic Ed-isode number 1.

 

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.”

 

I just love it how when Bella, the supposed true love of Edward’s life, puts herself in danger, his voice doesn’t apologize for hurting her or tell her that he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so shocked, even though this is what she was trying to do in the first place, (+1 Stupidity) that she promptly loses her balance and falls over with the bike on top of her.

 

“I told you so,” the perfect voice murmured, crystal clear.”

 

So since Meyer can’t describe the godliness that is Edward, she settles for just describing his voice. (+1 Cream Count) And I’m still a little confused as to how you can murmur clearly. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The more she tries the bike, the more the Ed-isodes occur, which for some reason make her happy.

 

“Go home to Charlie,” the voice ordered. The sheer beauty of it amazed me. I couldn’t allow my memory to lose it, no matter the price.”

 

What a great message this book sends. Yes, if I ever break up with my boyfriend, I’m going to find an emotional stand-in, then attempt to kill myself just to hear the sound of my ex’s voice. That’s some good decision making, right there. I know I’ll always remember the wisdom of these books.

Bella finally starts zooming down the road.

 

“There was wind that wasn’t there before, blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it. I’d left my stomach back at the starting point; the adrenaline coursed through my body, tingling in my veins. The trees raced past me, blurring into a wall of green.”

 

She hallucinates again, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

The stupid in this chapter is so thick I could cut it with a knife.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast that the wind was “blowing my skin against my skull” and “flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, she’s fine.

What the fuck?

That’s just ridiculous. She would be dead or hospitalized for, um, months after flying off a bike going that fast. (+1 Stupidity) BUT THE STUPID BITCH IS NOT DEAD! She just bleeds from her head a little after she takes a face dive. That’s it.

Bella pops right back up, but Jacob insists on taking her to the hospital. She resists at first, because they might ask questions, but agrees when she realizes her head is gushing blood. She apologizes for getting hurt like Edward taught her to, but Jacob just waves it off, like a sane person. Jake finally loses his shirt, and wraps it around Bella’s head to stop the bleeding. He then makes the reasonable demand to take her to the hospital, again.

 

“Bella, I think you need stitches. I’m not going to let you bleed to death.” “I won’t,” I promised. “Let’s just take the bikes back first, and then we’ll make a stop at my house so I can dispose of the evidence before we go to the hospital.”

 

The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pit stops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books? (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and she also hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly so that she can try to kill herself again. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ❤

She takes the time to size up her shirtless crutch while she’s waiting in the car.

 

“Jacob noticed my scrutiny. “What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious. “Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

 

WAY TO GO, BITCH. Now I’m positive he won’t get the wrong idea. (+1 Bitch)

Anyways, now Bella has 7 stitches in her head, ho hum. Of course, she’s used to this since she’s ever so clumsy. Remember, guys? Remember her single flaw? Bella is super clumsy, guys.(+1 Stupidity)

Bella lies to Charlie and tells him that she hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage. How someone would even manage that, I have no idea. (+1 Stupidity) But Charlie eats it up without a second though. I really love how Bella just lies to people willy-nilly. It totally endears me to her character.

At any rate, the gushing oozing gaping hole in Bella’s heart seems to be healing up nicely, and the pain of losing her one twu luv isn’t as painful since she started seeing Jacob the Wonder Rebound.

 

“This night was not as bad as that first night, after I’d heard the perfect voice in Port Angeles. The hole came back, the way it always did when I was away from Jacob, but it didn’t throb so badly around the edges. I was already planning ahead, looking forward to more delusions, and that was a distraction.”

 

I love how casual she is about this whole thing. “Teehee, guys, I’m borderline schizophrenic!” If I was having “velvet-voiced delusions,” I’m pretty sure I would get myself checked out by a professional. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer has the sense to fast-forward a week or two, sparing us from the “I did this. Then I did that. Then this happened.” narrative. (I think I’ll call that type of narrative, “Bella-dramatic” for future reference.) Bella was in the ER again, and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the ‘I fell’ excuse.

 

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner. I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up—I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.”

 

Some people use sex, drugs, or alcohol. Bella uses head injury.

Two questions come to mind when I read this passage. The first is, “WTF, a tree? How is she not dead?” (+1 Stupidity) This kinda goes along the same lines as walking away after taking a face dive going 45 mph. My only guess is that Meyer doesn’t know jack about motorcycles (or, y’know, physics) and/or figures only supernatural ways of dying should count. So maybe ramming a motorcycle into a werebearmegawolf would do the trick? (+1 Stupidity)

The second is, “Does Meyer not realize how UTTERLY PATHETIC this is?” It says a lot that in that passage Bella is over the moon about having a “five minute delusion”, and is supremely happy to hear her “love” yelling at her. This is just sick after sick after sick. If I had to purposefully launch myself into a tree just to hear my ex’s voice, one of my next thoughts would be, “Wait, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?” (+1 Stupidity)

I digress. Charlie is a little skeptical at Bella’s newest excuse, which happens to be falling on a rock while hiking.

 

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically. “Working at Newton’s was bound to rub off sometime,” I pointed out. “Spend every day selling all the virtues of the outdoors, eventually you get curious.”

 

Now, a good father might question further, but since Charlie only exists to give Bella a generic source of angst and help the plot along whenever necessary, he doesn’t.

You know what? In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually starting to do things in her life, even if her reasoning behind it is self-destructive and harmful. Now that Edward is gone, this girl has some freedom, freedom which Jacob keeps encouraging in her. God, I like Jacob! It’s going to kill me when Meyer writes him off as a flaming bag of douche in the next two books. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

 

“Charlie’s getting nosy,” I complained to Jacob when I picked him up after school Friday.”

 

Bella tries to think up of some other way to encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow. You guys remember, the meadow where Sparklepires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, and abusive metrosexuals into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals. Jacob agrees to Bella’s plan.

 

“Cool. We’ll find it.” As always, Jacob was game for anything I wanted.”

 

I really don’t think Meyer intended for that line to come off as manipulative and bitchy, which makes it that much worse. (+1 Bitch)

Jacob, ever the injun, knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course, and the jokes about seeing the “super bear.” They finally get to where they’re going, and Jacob is surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But I guess she felt *so safe* around Sparklepeen, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger sensors.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking and shit, but I’ll spare you the details and cut to the good stuff.

 

“Hey… Jake?” I asked hesitantly. “Yeah?” “How are things… with Embry? Is he back to normal yet?”

 

Jacob says Embry is still pretty in to Scientology, gets all bummed, and puts his arm around Bella. Bella’s pathetic excuse for not leading him on some more is that he looked too sad. What a little slut. (+1 Bitch)

They don’t find it and agree to look tomorrow.

And that’s it.

I seriously feel like I just wasted an hour of my life on this chapter. Why isn’t anything happening? Is this how Meyer thinks a book should go? Nineteen chapters of fluff, then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances, which might barely pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, peglegs, and/or eyepatches?

Chrissakes. Meyer could have cut out all this “character development” bullshit that she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole stupid series into a single book. My God, Meyer, go inflict your midlife crisis on SOMEONE ELSE!

No one likes books that run on sparkles and plot holes.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +11

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Cream Count: +1

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +88

Angst: +16

Bitch: +17

Thesaurus Rape: +18

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +2

What this chapter should be called: Run, Jacob! Run away!

Bella like-o-meter: 4

 

I hear this is the chapter that segues into Jacob’s involvement in this book, so let’s get going.

Chapter 5 begins at Bella’s job. That’s right folks, she has a job. See, Meyer is totally an advocate of women’s rights! Bella works at Newton’s, the sporting goods store that Mike’s family owns. Mike asks Bella if she wants to take off, seeing as there are only a few grizzled old backpacker types in the store.

 

“I don’t mind staying,” I said. I still hadn’t been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I’d taken cotton out of my ears.”

 

Boo fuckin’ hoo. (+1 Angst)

The old grizzled hikers start talking about this big bear-like animal one of them saw. Apparently it was big, black, and bigger than a grizzly. Why they just didn’t describe it as a big black grizzly? Nobody knows! Could this be foreshadowing I smell? I’ve got no idea why a werewolf would look like a bear, but whatever! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella drives home and explains – no. You know what? You get a quote.

 

“I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You’d think I’d get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself with screaming. Charlie didn’t come in to see what was wrong anymore, to make sure there was no intruder strangling me or something like that—he was used to it now.”

 

Now, let me translate this from bullshit to outraged, big girl English.

Bella wakes up screaming from night terrors every night for four months.

And the cop father just learns to ignore it.

Charlie learns to ignore the fact that, after finding his little girl alone and disoriented in the middle of the forest, she wakes up screaming every night.

WHAT THE FUCK???!??????!!!!!!!? (+2 Stupidity)

I may have been accused before of putting too much thought into this FUCKIN’ IDIOTIC BOOK,  but there is a difference between suspending my disbelief and TURNING MY BRAIN OFF ALTOGETHER. This would never happen. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.  Does this woman know ONE GODDAMN thing about realistic human behavior? GOOD GOD I WANT TO HIT SOMETHING.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christ in a Delorean, Meyer must live under a fucking rock or something.

Bella describes her nightmare, which is basically just her alone in the woods, looking for Glitterdick, but she can’t find him because he’s not there. Yeesh.

 

“Only nothing. Just the endless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that the silence was an uncomfortable pressure against my eardrums. It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see. I hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, searching, getting more frantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed made me clumsy… Then there would come the point in my dream—and I could feel it coming now, but could never seem to wake myself up before it hit—when I couldn’t remember what it was that I was searching for. When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary wood, and there never would be anything more for me… nothing but nothing…”

 

Oh, dear Lord. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

The mere thought of how hard her life is and how much she hurts  now that she’s been dumped by her abusive boyfriend makes her curl into the fetal position on her truck’s seat.  She stopped paying attention to where she was driving a long time ago, a trait that seems to also be common in Meyerland women. How she didn’t manage to total her truck beats me. (+1 Stupidity) Suddenly…wangst!

 

“The nightmare was nagging at my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain. I didn’t want to remember the forest. Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest.”

 

Bella rides around in her personalized wah-mbulance for a few more paragraphs that I honestly couldn’t force myself to read due to the teeming amounts of Bella narrating about how terrible it is that he left her. (+2 Angst)

Bella looks up into her rearview mirror and realizes that she looks like hell.

 

“I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different—my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes. My eyes were dark enough against my pallid skin that—if I were beautiful, and seen from a distance—I might even pass for a vampire now. But I was not beautiful, and I probably looked closer to a zombie.”

 

Sweet baby Jesus, where do I start? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

First off, Meyer really doesn’t know how people work, does she? One breakup does not define your whole life. BUT GUISE, you might say, U HAVE NEEEVVER BEEN IN LUV LYK THESE 2 HAVE! Bullshit, I say. If you base your life off of one bad breakup, you need help. Besides, I never actually got the impression they were in love in the first place. What did they love so much about each other? He was pretty, she smelled good. Sounds like lust to me, which is why it would have made a hell of a lot more sense if they just started fucking like jackrabbits.

But, Bella could almost pass for a vampire now! Right? RIGHT?! I COULD TOTALLY PASS FOR A VAMPIRE. MAYBE EDWARD WILL COME BACK AND LOVE ME AGAIN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. (+1 Stupidity)

This still doesn’t make sense, because I thought vampires were supposed to 1) be OMG sooo beautiful & hot and 2) sparkle in the light. So… what’s this crap about pale pasty skin and black circles ? How is looking like a dead chick hot? (+1 Stupidity)

She stops to think about how unfair it is that Edward made her promise not to hurt herself. She, like, totally shouldn’t have to follow through on that! At this point, anyone who has ever had depression and/or suicidal thoughts should be offended. Bella starts planning ways to be reckless.

 

“Who cared if I was reckless and stupid? There was no reason to avoid recklessness, no reason why I shouldn’t get to be stupid.”

 

And this is why Bella is a horrible character.

She automatically assumes that no one cares about her, when we’ve seen all evidence to the contrary. Think back to when she first arrived in Forks. The entire fuckin’ town was drooling over the awesomeness that is Bella! But Bella was stupid enough to ostracize herself from friends and family, so this whole problem is one of Bella’s own creation!

This wouldn’t be as big of a deal if some part of Bella’s character would acknowledge this! But instead, it’s constantly jackhammered into our skulls that Bella is a strong, selfless person, when SHE’S NOT! (+1 Stupidity)

Moving on, Bella finds herself parked in front of a house selling 2 beat-up motorcycles. Charlie thinks motorcycles are reckless and stupid, and Charlie doesn’t seem to give a crap about Bella’s well-being, so she immediately decides she’s buying a motorcycle as a means of indirectly killing herself. That’ll show Edward for leaving her. She asks the price, and is told to take them for free since they don’t run. But that’s okay!

 

“You know what? That’s okay. I know someone who builds cars.”

 

Gird yourself, Jacob. You’re Bella’s next emotional crutch.

Bella gets directions down to the Blacks’ place from Charlie (who demands to know what’s wrong as soon as he answers the phone. As if you care, Dad). Jacob is excited to see her. Also, he’s a six-foot-five sixteen year old. FRICK ON A STICK, this kid is huge.

 

“He laughed, his smile widening impossibly. “Six five,” he announced with self-satisfaction.”

 

This just goes to show Meyer lived under a rock her entire life, doesn’t it? Just so you get an idea of how idiotic this is, we’ll rewind to last book, where Jacob is described as being a few inches taller than Bella. Since Meyer is 5’4”, and Bella is Meyer, we’ll assume that Jacob was about 5’6’’ ish. That means Jacob grew a foot in about 6 months. I wonder how often he experienced horrible growing pains. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella comes in to say hi to Billy, then jets outside with Jacob. Bella gets Jacob alone in his garage and explains the sane part of the situation–she’s got broken motorcycles but don’t tell Charlie because that would create conflict and we can’t have that.

They chat a little, and I really remember how much I hate Bella.

 

“You missed it,” he teased, narrowing his eyes in mock resentment. “I’m sixteen.” “Not that your age ever stopped you before,” I muttered. “Sorry about your birthday.” “Don’t worry about it. I missed yours. What are you, forty?” I sniffed. “Close.” “We’ll have a joint party to make up for it.” “Sounds like a date.” His eyes sparkled at the word.”

 

Bella returns to her whoring ways just so she can string Jacob along a little more (+1 Bitch) when we all know that she’s going to dump him in the end because he’s not perfect and sparkly.

Here’s the hard part: I like Jacob. He’s sweet. He’s happy. He’s normal (for now). Bella is almost tolerable around him, because she’s not constantly whining about the gaping oozing squirting rotting throbbing hole in her chest. I like Jacob.

Really, that’s probably just going to fuck me over in the long run.

 

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +8

Angst: +3

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +56

Angst: +13

Bitch: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +13

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +1