What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE
Fucks I give: NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN
Chapters left: 0
*This may be the last chapter, but there’s still more! Don’t forget to come back for the book recap and the series recap!*
I made it to the end. I did it! This here is the last chapter of this atrocity of a book and miserable excuse for a series! And I could not have done it without you guys. So, thank you, for your commentary, horror, discussion on Samifer fanfiction, and for correcting me when I’m wrong. Thank you so much.
I have slogged through this book series for over two years (the very first post on this blog was, holy shit, July 30, 2011) and I am about to be done. You can’t possibly comprehend how heavenly this feels. I can taste my freedom, and it tastes like pegasus tears mixed with airplane ginger ale and rainbow sprinkles, made from actual rainbows, poured into a bejewled golden chalice and served to me by a naked Misha Collins. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I turn the book’s final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. I made it, and after this review, I’m going to celebrate by deleting the Breaking Wind PDF from my computer while eating mini Reese’s Cups by the fistfuls.
All the GVs have mostly left. The Romanians left right after there was no fight (which I’m still pissed about). The remaining Egyptians took off to find the rest of their coven. All of the nomads are gone, except for Garrett, who plans on giving the vegetarian lifestyle a try with the Denalis. The Amazons have reunited and gone back to Brazil, and the Irish went back to Ireland. Huilen and Nahuel are the only ones left because they were the only ones dumb enough to listen to Eddiekins’ BS story about how Bella saved the day. Poor saps.
“So it was a combination of things there at the end, but what it really boiled down to was… Bella,” Edward was explaining. Our family and our two remaining guests sat in the Cullens’ great room while the forest turned black outside the tall windows.”
Everyone praises Bella for her ability to divert entire wars with her terrible character and love shield.
“Alice gave Aro the excuse he needed to get out of the fight. If he hadn’t been so terrified of Bella, he probably would have gone ahead with their original plan.” “Terrified?” I said skeptically. “Of me?” He smiled at me with a look I didn’t entirely recognize—it was tender, but also awed and even exasperated. “When will you ever see yourself clearly?” he said softly.”
Well, okay. The war wasn’t won by Garrett’s “reasons why you suck” speech. The threat of death by wolf-shifter and the proof that hybrids aren’t dangerous didn’t matter. I mean, I thought the war ended because it was fundamentally flawed and based on an illogical premise, but Edward set me straight by explaining how Bella’s shield showed the Volturi the power of the Cullens and so Aro left. He just left. That’s it. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and we finally get a bullshit explanation of werewolves vs. shapeshifters. The explanation is that there are real werewolves, but they live in Europe so no one cares. (+1 Stupidity) We also get a bullshit explanation of Alice’s big ruse, which boils down to “Bella sucks hard at acting so we had to make her think it was real.”
Meanwhile, Nahuel hangs around, stares at people, and is generally a creeper. Bella thinks he was staring at Renesmee, but, oh no, he was totally staring at Bella.
“He’s always thought of himself as an evil creation, a murderer by nature. His sisters all killed their mothers as well, but they thought nothing of it. Joham raised them to think of the humans as animals, while they were gods. But Nahuel was taught by Huilen, and Huilen loved her sister more than anyone else. It shaped his whole perspective. And, in some ways, he truly hated himself.” “That’s so sad,” I murmured. “And then he saw the three of us—and realized for the first time that just because he is half immortal, it doesn’t mean he is inherently evil. He looks at me and sees… what his father should have been.”
Of course, meeting the Cullens for all of a couple hours has immediately changed Nahuel’s whole perspective on life. (+1 Stupidity) But let’s forget about this for a moment. I am fucking terrified. You should be too, and here’s why.
Meyer has the perfect setup to,
at any moment,
start churning out 4 more shitty books revolving around a Renesmee/Jacob/Nahuel love triangle.
Which, of course, is pants-shittingly horrifying. I mean, she won’t do it, because everything is so perfect as is. But she could, if she wanted to. Gah. even thinking this is going to give me nightmares tonight.
Moving on. Edward and Bella celebrate and think about the future. They laugh at the thought of their child having sex with Jacob. Everyone has a good time, they chat, they smile, they kid around, and meanwhile in Italy, a busload of volunteer workers are killed without mercy, eaten alive by the Volturi. But hey…isn’t Nessie adorable?!
It’s hard to believe the Cullens let the Volturi walk away. The Cullens had the upper hand. They could have killed the Volturi, taken control of the vampire government, and set things right. Instead, they sit around and dress Renesmee in pink sweaters. (+1 Stupidity)
I’ve seen wallpaper that was more heroic.
Bella is just happy for her family’s happiness. Everyone important is alive. Bella and Edward can have all the crazy, bed-breaking sex they want (but Jacob is going to have to wait about 6 1/2 years.) Everyone is in love and happy – even Charlie has a fuck buddy now. It’s pretty clear that all Bella wants to do is jump Eddie’s bones, but she restrains herself for a minute.
“I want to try something,” I informed him, smiling slightly at his bewildered expression. I put my hands on both sides of his face and closed my eyes in concentration. I hadn’t done very well with this when Zafrina had tried to teach me before, but I knew my shield better now.”
Bella then proceeds to lower her shield enough for Edward to read her thoughts.
“I knew it was working then, so I concentrated even harder, dredging up the specific memories I’d saved for this moment, letting them flood my mind, and hopefully his as well. Some of the memories were not clear—dim human memories, seen through weak eyes and heard through weak ears: the first time I’d seen his face… the way it felt when he’d held me in the meadow… the sound of his voice through the darkness of my faltering consciousness when he’d saved me from James… his face as he waited under a canopy of flowers to marry me… every precious moment from the island… his cold hands touching our baby through my skin…”
Besides the fact that this isn’t romantic, just incredibly cliché (+1 Thesaurus Rape), that’s it? That’s the big lesson Bella learned in this book? How to make herself even more vulnerable to the man she threw away her life for, just so they could mind-fuck? Wow. Even if I were a fan of this book, I would be incredibly PO’d right now. Thankfully, I wouldn’t have much time to be PO’d, because the end is nigh. That’s it. The series ends with:
“And then we continued blissfully into the small but perfect piece of our forever.”
I will bet you $486 that line was written by one of those magnetic poetry word scrambles.
But hey, who gives a fuck? It’s over! I’m done! I’m free!
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Final Book Count:
Thesaurus Rape: +46
Cream Count: +19
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +17 Jacob: +9