Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

Posted: November 13, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE


Chapters left: 0
*This may be the last chapter, but there’s still more! Don’t forget to come back for the book recap and the series recap!*
I made it to the end. I did it! This here is the last chapter of this atrocity of a book and miserable excuse for a series! And I could not have done it without you guys. So, thank you, for your commentary, horror, discussion on Samifer fanfiction, and for correcting me when I’m wrong. Thank you so much.
I have slogged through this book series for over two years (the very first post on this blog was, holy shit, July 30, 2011) and I am about to be done. You can’t possibly comprehend how heavenly this feels. I can taste my freedom, and it tastes like pegasus tears mixed with airplane ginger ale and rainbow sprinkles, made from actual rainbows, poured into a bejewled golden chalice and served to me by a naked Misha Collins. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I turn the book’s final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. I made it, and after this review, I’m going to celebrate by deleting the Breaking Wind PDF from my computer while eating mini Reese’s Cups by the fistfuls. 
All the GVs have mostly left. The Romanians left right after there was no fight (which I’m still pissed about). The remaining Egyptians took off to find the rest of their coven. All of the nomads are gone, except for Garrett, who plans on giving the vegetarian lifestyle a try with the Denalis. The Amazons have reunited and gone back to Brazil, and the Irish went back to Ireland. Huilen and Nahuel are the only ones left because they were the only ones dumb enough to listen to Eddiekins’ BS story about how Bella saved the day. Poor saps. 

“So it was a combination of things there at the end, but what it really boiled down to was… Bella,” Edward was explaining. Our family and our two remaining guests sat in the Cullens’ great room while the forest turned black outside the tall windows.”

Everyone praises Bella for her ability to divert entire wars with her terrible character and love shield.

“Alice gave Aro the excuse he needed to get out of the fight. If he hadn’t been so terrified of Bella, he probably would have gone ahead with their original plan.” “Terrified?” I said skeptically. “Of me?” He smiled at me with a look I didn’t entirely recognize—it was tender, but also awed and even exasperated. “When will you ever see yourself clearly?” he said softly.”

Well, okay. The war wasn’t won by Garrett’s “reasons why you suck” speech. The threat of death by wolf-shifter and the proof that hybrids aren’t dangerous didn’t matter. I mean, I thought the war ended because it was fundamentally flawed and based on an illogical premise, but Edward set me straight by explaining how Bella’s shield showed the Volturi the power of the Cullens and so Aro left. He just left. That’s it. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and we finally get a bullshit explanation of werewolves vs. shapeshifters. The explanation is that there are real werewolves, but they live in Europe so no one cares. (+1 Stupidity) We also get a bullshit explanation of Alice’s big ruse, which boils down to “Bella sucks hard at acting so we had to make her think it was real.”
Meanwhile, Nahuel hangs around, stares at people, and is generally a creeper. Bella thinks he was staring at Renesmee, but, oh no, he was totally staring at Bella.

 “He’s always thought of himself as an evil creation, a murderer by nature. His sisters all killed their mothers as well, but they thought nothing of it. Joham raised them to think of the humans as animals, while they were gods. But Nahuel was taught by Huilen, and Huilen loved her sister more than anyone else. It shaped his whole perspective. And, in some ways, he truly hated himself.” “That’s so sad,” I murmured. “And then he saw the three of us—and realized for the first time that just because he is half immortal, it doesn’t mean he is inherently evil. He looks at me and sees… what his father should have been.”

Of course, meeting the Cullens for all of a couple hours has immediately changed Nahuel’s whole perspective on life. (+1 Stupidity) But let’s forget about this for a moment. I am fucking terrified. You should be too, and here’s why.
Meyer has the perfect setup to,
at any moment,
start churning out 4 more shitty books revolving around a Renesmee/Jacob/Nahuel love triangle. 
Which, of course, is pants-shittingly horrifying. I mean, she won’t do it, because everything is so perfect as is. But she could, if she wanted to. Gah. even thinking this is going to give me nightmares tonight.

Moving on. Edward and Bella celebrate and think about the future. They laugh at the thought of their child having sex with Jacob. Everyone has a good time, they chat, they smile, they kid around, and meanwhile in Italy, a busload of volunteer workers are killed without mercy, eaten alive by the Volturi. But hey…isn’t Nessie adorable?!

It’s hard to believe the Cullens let the Volturi walk away. The Cullens had the upper hand. They could have killed the Volturi, taken control of the vampire government, and set things right. Instead, they sit around and dress Renesmee in pink sweaters. (+1 Stupidity) 

I’ve seen wallpaper that was more heroic.

Bella is just happy for her family’s happiness. Everyone important is alive. Bella and Edward can have all the crazy, bed-breaking sex they want (but Jacob is going to have to wait about 6 1/2 years.) Everyone is in love and happy – even Charlie has a fuck buddy now.  It’s pretty clear that all Bella wants to do is jump Eddie’s bones, but she restrains herself for a minute.

“I want to try something,” I informed him, smiling slightly at his bewildered expression. I put my hands on both sides of his face and closed my eyes in concentration. I hadn’t done very well with this when Zafrina had tried to teach me before, but I knew my shield better now.”

Bella then proceeds to lower her shield enough for Edward to read her thoughts.

“I knew it was working then, so I concentrated even harder, dredging up the specific memories I’d saved for this moment, letting them flood my mind, and hopefully his as well. Some of the memories were not clear—dim human memories, seen through weak eyes and heard through weak ears: the first time I’d seen his face… the way it felt when he’d held me in the meadow… the sound of his voice through the darkness of my faltering consciousness when he’d saved me from James… his face as he waited under a canopy of flowers to marry me… every precious moment from the island… his cold hands touching our baby through my skin…”

Besides the fact that this isn’t romantic, just incredibly cliché (+1 Thesaurus Rape), that’s it? That’s the big lesson Bella learned in this book? How to make herself even more vulnerable to the man she threw away her life for, just so they could mind-fuck? Wow. Even if I were a fan of this book, I would be incredibly PO’d right now. Thankfully, I wouldn’t have much time to be PO’d, because the end is nigh. That’s it. The series ends with:

“And then we continued blissfully into the small but perfect piece of our forever.”

I will bet you $486 that line was written by one of those magnetic poetry word scrambles.
But hey, who gives a fuck? It’s over! I’m done! I’m free!

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +4
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Final Book Count:
Stupidity: +326
Angst: +28
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +46
Cream Count: +19
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +17 Jacob: +9
  1. eddie says:

    Congratulations! I don’t think I could have gotten through the whole series myself. Enjoy your candy or whatever you’re celebrating with!

  2. cupcake2eater says:

    Youve made it through alive and with your sanity intact!

  3. sammygirl1967 says:


    *sets off fireworks*

    I do not envy you for slogging through this shit and I hope you don’t need therapy.

    In the mean time, though, I think naked Misha Collins is a more than reasonable cure for the trauma you’ve suffered.

    (On another note: that ending… the cheesy sap… I think I almost vomited)

  4. Pixie says:

    I know you are happy it is over, but I am so sad! You should review more crappy books. That is if you can handle it without going insane.

  5. hey kate, you should go look at the fic they’re doing in the library of the damned. It’s a titanic/twilight crossover. It’s…….. enlightening.

  6. Congratulations on getting through but through theses books made me realise something I’m 13 and I put more though and effort in my fanfiction’s than Meyer did with the characters, the romance, and general writhing of the story and my story is gender switch version of The Phantom of the opera and I have seen fanfic that were better written than Twilight.

  7. Maker of Parody Poems says:

    I saw the comment where you mentioned a magnetic poem word scramble, and I just couldn’t help myself. So I went and found a love poem website and went at it. Here it is, for your reading pleasure!

    “For my love, Edward.

    I feel so endangered and scared sometimes,
    When I think of you each night and day,
    And when I see you, I see sparkles,
    I love you more than words can say…

    You’re so beautiful! This love is irrevocable and unconditional!
    I can’t resist your inhumane, devastating beauty, it’s true!
    The puny mortals and logical actions fade into shadows…
    I am absolutely crazy for you!

    Your soul is dead; your heart is isn’t beating,
    And my heart is truly in your hands.
    I could whine and bitch ’til life was done,
    But YOU are the focus of my plans.

    This abusive, unhealthy relationship is beautiful my love,
    And for you, Edward, I thank Heaven above.

    All my love, Bella x”

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