What this chapter should be called: Face-touching porn, that’s what this is.
Edward Creep-o-meter: Not as high as last chapter, perhaps a steady 7.
Bedward walks into Biology, and like, OMG everyone is staring! Edward doesn’t feel the need to sit as far away as possible from her, and is practically in her lap.
As off the topic as this is, why are high school juniors taking Biology? This is usually a sophomore level class, and in some schools freshmen can even opt to take it. Did Meyer even pay attention in high school? (+1 Stupidity)
They have a movie day in Biology. The teacher walks into the class dragging a TV and VCR. He shoves the tape into the “reluctant” VCR. So VCRs have feelings now? I wonder if this is how Edward can read the minds of radar guns.
Bella goes on about how *gasp* awesome it is that she’s sitting next to Edward, even though she’s sat next to him for the entire book.
“I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me…”
What, is she the Highlander or something? (+1 Stupidity)
“A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists.”
Get ready, because this is the first of many face-touches that you’ll see in this book.
The movie starts, and it could be a documentary on the mating patterns of sea turtles, because anything is better than this false tension. She sneaks a peek at him, and he looks back.
“He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark.”
So Edward was looking at her hatefully? That is the definition of smolder most commonly attributed to eyes. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella practically hyperventilates, and I’m starting to think that of all the word’s Meyer’s bastardized, subtlety isn’t one of them. This attempt at romantic tension is more comedic than romantic. It’s just Meyer picking the most dramatic-sounding words and having her characters overreact to the slightest thing Edward does. Bella then feels the urge to touch him, but resists.
“A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists.”
I’d just like to get this straight: In their “unconditional and irrevocable” love, their relationship not only prohibits touching, but it’s taboo to talk about it as well?
Can’t you just imagine Meyer standing over the readers with a giant hammer called “plot” in her hands and whacking her readers over the head with it until they can’t think rational thoughts?
I get another couple smacks with the hammer when Bella says she doesn’t even know what the movie’s about because she’s so focused on Edward. She says the source of the aforementioned “electricity” is coming from Edward’s body, so I guess he’s the Highlander, my bad.
Edward walks Bella to her next class, and pauses at the door.
“He walked me to my next class in silence and paused at the door; I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat. ”
Oh, spare me. (+1 Cream Count) Bella notices the “conflict raging in his eyes” when he tries to touch her. Disregarding that there is no real source for conflict, I find it funny that Edward has such a problem touching Bella when he has no such problems when it comes to grabbing her forcefully (parking lot scene, anyone?) or breaking into her house to watch her sleep. Anyway, he reaches up and touches her face.
“His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I’d been burned, but didn’t feel the pain of it yet.”
*sigh* Haven’t I gone into this? It’s one heaping load of BS that Edward would actually be cold (another theory I ripped a new asshole, by the way) Also, if his skin is really that cold, how come Bella never had a similar reaction the previous times Edward touched her? (+1 Stupidity)
Bella is “lightheaded and wobbly” as she goes to gym. Does anyone think it’s weird if you want to physically assault a fictional character? I could bitch smack Bella so hard right now. She’s given a racket, and…Holy hell, are we actually going to get to see her in gym class? I gotta admit, I did not expect this. They’re ordered to pair up into teams.
“Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike’s chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me. ”
Did Mike turn in to a jerk while Bella wasn’t looking, and only some of his former niceness survived? Has Bella’s opinion of Mike really dropped so much since he stopped chasing her ass? Jesus on a carousel, pay attention to her and you’re a dog, leave her alone and you’re not chivalrous. There’s no way to win with this bitch. (+1 Bitch)
Shall we play, “what would a competent writer do?” again? Now, a competent writer might let us actually SEE some of Bella’s clumsiness for once, and not “oh, I dropped something, so now Edward has to pick it up.”
Bella “grimaces apologetically” and how the fuck do you do that? Webster defines “grimace” as “a facial expression usually of disgust, disapproval, or pain.” How exactly do you make an expression of disgust apologetically? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
Bella tells us that she managed to hit herself in the face and clip Mike’s shoulder in the same swing, which would be practically impossible. Tell me, have you ever accidentally hit yourself in the face while swinging a racket? Even if Bella’s hand-eye coordination is seriously this poor (I still haven’t figured out how she drives her truck.) she should be in a special school learning the alphabet off big colored blocks. (+1 Stupidity)
After that, she pretty much stands back, and Mike plays with himself- by himself, BY himself- then Meyer notices she hasn’t mentioned the man-candy that is Edward for awhile, and has Mike turn into a jealous douchebag.
“You and Cullen, huh?” he asked, his tone rebellious. My previous feeling of affection disappeared.”
Bella goes into full bitch mode (Am I the only one who thinks of Transformers when she does that?) and tells Mike it’s none of his business while wishing Jessica would go to hell. Honey, you go to a small town high school. If you take a funny looking dump, everyone’s gonna know. (+1 Bitch)
Seriously, what did she expect? If she wanted to keep their relationship (I use the term loosely) a secret, she did a horrible job of it, what with the ditching her friends to sit with him and all. Did she expect them all to just pretend that nothing is happening? If so, she must not have been around other people for very long. (+1 Bitch)
Mike doesn’t like Edward.
“He looks at you like… like you’re something to eat,”
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ! OH, MEYER, YOU CARD!
Since it was Meyer’s joke and Bella is Meyer, Bella finds it hilarious and rushes off to the locker room. I wonder if it ever occurred to her to find it worrying that Edward’s being so creepy that other people are starting to comment on it.
I honestly can’t figure out this next sentence.
“I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory.”
Sooo…her clothes are stronger than butterflies? Getting dressed is stronger than nervousness? Was the editor asleep at his desk when this came through? (+1 Stupidity)
“Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?”
By now, you know that I know that you know I hate this book.
Sparklepeen is waiting for her when she gets done. She says hi, “smiling hugely”, and yet she has the guts to call Mike a dog? Bella Swan is hypocrisy personified. (+1 Bitch)
Sparklepeen asks how gym was, and then looks at Mike over Bella’s shoulder, mentioning that Mike’s getting on his nerves. Real classy, Edward. Just glare at the people that don’t fall to your feet in throes of passion. So far, Mike has been the only person to question Edward’s motives, and right now Edward is looking a lot like the spoiled kid who cries when he doesn’t get his way. (God, I wish I had decided to give Edward bitch points too.)
Bella asks if Edward if he was listening in. He says yes, and that pisses her off, not because he was invading her privacy, but rather because he saw her in gym. WTF, Meyer?!?
“We walked in silence — a furious, embarrassed silence on my part — to his car. But I had to stop a few steps away — a crowd of people, all boys, were surrounding it.”
There’s a crowd of boys surrounding Rosalie’s car, because girls can’t possibly be interested in cars. (They’re too busy in the kitchen.) Also, why are they paying that much attention to a car? Has Rosalie never drove it to school before in all these years? Is it their first time seeing it? It’s a red convertible, not the Messiah. Then again, this is a Cullen car, so it probably fires photon torpedoes, emits rainbows instead of exhaust, and is completely encrusted in diamonds mined by tiny Peruvian children. Basically, Meyer just wants to beat it in that the Cullens are rich. We fucking get it. (+1 Stupidity)
It’s like all boys in Meyerland are chimps, distracted by the first shiny new thing they see. When Bella arrived, every human male wanted her (according to Edward), and now they see a car and they’re all, “ooh, shiny!” Looks like Twilight isn’t just sexist towards women.
Edward asks if Bella is still angry. She is, and rightly so.
He sighed. “Will you forgive me if I apologize?” “Maybe… if you mean it. And if you promise not to do it again,” I insisted. His eyes were suddenly shrewd. “How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?” he countered my conditions.
Okay, wasn’t that what she asked in the first place? It’s like:
Edward: Please forgive me for stalking you across towns, spying on you with my psychic powers, and breaking into your room at night to sniff your panties, and I’ll give you permission to drive, even though that was your idea in the first place. Pfft. Women drivers. Next thing you know, they’ll want to vote, too
Bella: You break into my room?
Edward: Oh fuck-did I say that?
Since Bella is unbelievably pathetic, she accepts his offer.
“Then I’m very sorry I upset you.” His eyes burned with sincerity for a protracted moment — playing havoc with the rhythm of my heart — and then turned playful.”
My eyes were rolling for a protracted moment.(+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella worries that it’ll be hard to hide him from her fath-Charlie, and Edward smiles “condescendingly” at her, saying he won’t bring a car. (+1 Red Flag)
Bella brings up the subject of why she can’t see Edward hunt. She presses him for an explanation as to why he reacted as angrily as he had. He explains that it’s because they go all primal when they hunt, and if she were there she’d be dinner. After gazing at the clouds “morosely” he looks at Bella, and once again becomes the Highlander, because electricity charges the atmosphere.
He leaves (HOOORAY!!!) but not before informing her tomorrow it will be his turn to ask the questions. Bella doesn’t get much sleep because she’s too busy dreaming about Edward being the Highlander. I must say that it certainly would explain why Edward is the way he is. You’d be a douchesilo too if you were under constant threat of having your head chopped off.
In the morning, Meyer thankfully cuts short the description of Bella’s morning routine. She goes downstairs and Charlie asks her a few questions about Saturday.
“About this Saturday…” he began, walking across the kitchen and turning on the faucet. I cringed. “Yes, Dad?” ”Are you still set on going to Seattle?” he asked. ”That was the plan.” I grimaced, wishing he hadn’t brought it up so I wouldn’t have to compose careful half-truths.”
Charlie shows some parental concern, worrying that perhaps nobody had asked her out. Oh, if only he knew the truth behind that. Bella isn’t about to ruin her street cred by being honest with her father, so she avoids the question.(+1 Bitch) Surprisingly Bella shows some small sympathy for her father, though her reasoning behind that sympathy is kind of twisted.
“I sympathized with him. It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn’t. How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like. ”
Living in fear of his daughter finding a boy? Granted, there is always the concern that one’s child may end up with someone abusive and controlling … and I still don’t understand why Bella thinks Charlie will disapprove of Edward. He was practically singing their praises back in chapter 2. (+1 Stupidity) Okay, maybe the whole vampire thing wouldn’t sit too well with him, but unless Edward grows fangs and starts sucking blood right in front of him, I doubt he’d care. Whoops, Meyerpires don’t have fangs. Goddammit!
“When I heard the cruiser pull away, I could only wait a few seconds before I had to peek out of my window. The silver car was already there, waiting in Charlie’s spot on the driveway.”
So much for that staying away bullshit. (+1 Stupidity)
“I walked to the car, pausing shyly before opening the door and stepping in. He was smiling, relaxed — and, as usual, perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree.”
AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH! THIS FUCKING MEYER IS DRIVING ME UP A FUCKING WALL! GYAAARGBRRRRRIHHNJEKRHIGOEWBGJNB!
Deeeeeeeep breaths…….deeeeeeeeep breaths…….. (+1 Cream Count)
Edward makes fun of her for looking tired (He’s a winner, that one.) She asks him what he did last night, and since it would be kind of awkward to tell her he watched her sleep, he shoots her down and begins firing away some BS questions.
“What’s your favorite color?”
She’ll proclaim her unconditional irrevocable love for him, when he doesn’t know her favorite color? (+1 Stupidity)
He asks some more unimportant questions, and it turns out they like the same music so OMG TWU WUV! I really don’t think Edward is asking the important questions here.
Edward: Since I’m immortal and you’re not, you’re gonna eventually get all old and busted, and when that does happen, will it be cool if I go date some other high school chick?
Bella: I’m unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you.
Edward continues asking her basic questions, which pisses Bella of, and she says he “questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence.” It appears that Bella wants to go back to finding new ways to describe Edward’s eyes without all that retarded getting-to-know-you stuff. You know, considering how obsessed Bella is with Edward, you’d think she’d like the opportunity to learn these things about him as well. Edward is actually acting more human than Bella. At least he’s trying to get an understanding of her that extends beyond surface things such as appearance.
Unfortunately, all the answers are glossed over in narration. Meyer takes a couple swings with her mallet named “Character Development” but Bella is still as flat and boring as ever.
Edward asks what Bella’s favorite gemstone is. She says topaz, and Edward literally commands her to tell him why. Bella says that it’s because topaz is the color of his eyes. Soooo … Edward’s eyes are clear? They can appear in many different colors such as blue, red, or pink? Does Meyer not know that topaz is NOT a color? (+1 Stupidity)
“I’d given more information than necessary in my unwilling honesty, and I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.”
Dear lord, where to begin? Bella’s not only annoyed, she doesn’t want to share her personal world with him. How the hell can she be unconditionally and irre- I just don’t give a fuck- in love with him when so far she has shown zero interest in anything other than his looks. Don’t even try to tell me this is the most fantastic love story ever, when all evidence to the contrary is right fucking here.
Also, the fact that Bella is afraid to share her interests with Edward because he may get angry isn’t exactly an atmosphere healthy for romance. Given her reaction to Edward, her supposed “twu wuv,” I now understand why she constantly lies to her father and withholds information, the bitch just lies to people out of habit. Oh, and I find it funny that Bella is worried about freaking Edward out because she notices his eye colors. She is worried that SHE is more obsessed than the guy who is fucking STALKING her. (+1 Stupidity)
Edward continues with “the psychoanalysis”. Is this seriously how she feels?
Bella: OMG, Edward keeps trying to get to know me better. That is such a chore! Why can’t he just shut up and look pretty so I can continue writing descriptions of his perfect face and muscled chest in my notebook? That’s what love is, right? I don’t have to actually care about him, I just have to think he’s hot.
Sparklepeen questions Bella throughout the day, until they get to biology, when Edward turns into the Highlander again.
“As soon as the room was dark, there was the same electric spark, the same restless craving to stretch my hand across the short space and touch his cold skin, as yesterday.”
The movie ends and Edward walks Bella to gym, when he brushes the back of his hand against her face. In the world of face-touching erotica, I assume this is something like getting to second base. (Either that or he’s figuring out the perfect spot where to backhand her when she displeases him.)
In gym, Bella notices Mike doesn’t talk to her.
“Somewhere, in a corner of my mind, I felt bad about that. But I couldn’t concentrate on him. ”
Not when there are glittery assholes like Edward to fantasize about! (+1 Bitch)
After gym, Bella hurries to go eye-hump Sparklepeen some more.
“The pressure made me more clumsy than usual, but eventually I made it out the door, feeling the same release when I saw him standing there, a wide smile automatically spreading across my face. ”
This is the girl that called Mike a dog? (+1 Stupidity)
Edward asks her more complicated questions this time, and Meyer takes a few more whiffs with the mallet. Unfortunately, most of the questions are glossed over, and Bella is still as flat as a possum on the 405.
Edward notes that her father will be home soon. Bella responds with “Charlie!” before asking what time it is.
“It’s twilight,” Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds.”
He makes a comment about the end of day and the coming of night, which I guess is supposed to sound deep and mysterious, but he really just comes off like the pretentious emo glittery brat that he is. He says Charlie will be back in a few minutes and offers Bella another opportunity to come clean with her dad and tell him about Edward. Her response is “thanks, but no thanks.” After all, it’s not like she can break her street cred for a silly little thing like telling her father the truth. Edward opens the car door for her, which causes her heart to go into “frenzied palpitations,” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) and causes my eyes to do some frenzied rolling. Which brings me to the point, where the hell is the complication this chapter promised.
“Jacob?” I asked, squinting through the rain. Just then, Charlie’s cruiser swung around the corner, his lights shining on the occupants of the car in front of me.”
The complication shows up in the form of Jacob and his dad, shortly followed by Charlie. Apparently, Jacob’s dad smells vampire on Bella, because he stops smiling upon laying eyes on her. Actually, scratch that, I think it’s just bitchiness he smells on her.
And finally the chapter ends, and at this point, the plot is stumbling around like a drunken hobo. Did anyone else realize Meyer just basically wrote the same day twice? Oh, the depths to which she will sink know no bounds.
As you know, the next chapter leads directly into the meadow scene.
My snark guns are locked and loaded, baby.
Thesaurus Rape: +3
Cream Count: +2
Red Flag: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +35
Eye Rape: +7
Cream Count: +9
Red Flag: +25