Posts Tagged ‘New Moon’

I unearthed this little gem while trolling around the other day. Flame a fansite, engage in argument, or if you’re really crazy, take it to the premiere of Breaking Fail, part deux, and see how long it takes you to incite the Twitards enough to fill in your entire board! (And please forgive me for taking so damn long with the Eclipse reviews. That is all.)

This is just too easy.

As you all know, I’ve started taking plunge into the reeking pool of bile that is Eclipse, and I found something so delightfully weird and frighteningly strange that I just want to share it.

I read an online version of the books, mostly for convenience’s sake. Naturally, there’s a fair bit of advertising on each page. I see pretty standard stuff: clothes, fast food, whatever overpriced product Apple has lately pulled out of their ass, etcetera, etcetera.

And most recently, penis enlargement.

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Now that I have ended the tumultuous journey that was New Moon, it’s time for the handy-dandy recap.

Six-sentence Summary:

After Jasper tries to kill Bella because she was stupid enough to give herself a papercut, Edward wises up and gets the hell out of the book. Bella then falls into a state of deep depression, because she is that unabashedly codependent. After four months where Bella is, for all intents and purposes, dead to us, she enlists Jacob Black as her new emotional crutch, and manipulates him into teaching her to ride motorcycles so that she can hallucinate Edward’s voice. Jacob eventually outs himself as a werewolf to Bella, who has a problem with this, even though she was A-okay with a vampire who wanted to kill her. The plot shows up in the form of Bella trying to commit suicide, (because her life was just that miserable) and Alice returns to whisk Bella off to Italy to stop the vampire mafia, the Volturi, from killing Edward. Turns out, the Volturi are actually pretty lame, and the whole terrific gang goes home and everything is back to normal with no complications whatsoever.

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What this chapter should be called: Let’s get ready to (not) rumble!

Bella like-o-meter: -100

 

Ugh. I was content to watch 30 Rock reruns until my skull was as soft and porous as a Sara Lee sponge cake, but will the Doctor settle for anything less than a scathing review of the epilogue to this subtext-laden, eyeroll-inducing, sparklemongering piece of literary offal?

Short answer: No.

As I said about a week ago, there is an epilogue to this “story.” (Let’s just assume from now on that anything I put in quotes that’s not an actual story quote should be taken lightly.) It’s pretty much an extra chapter tacked onto the end of what could barely qualify as plot, which is yet another problem I have with these books. It’s like Stephenie thinks, “ohemgee, teh excitin part is totes ovr, nows i can ends the booksy!” To which Kate says, “Bullshit.”

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What this chapter should be called: Everybody’s Mormon!

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

Chapter 24 is arguably the worst chapter of this whole “book.” (I use that term loosely.) I say “arguably” because, again, for some reason, there’s an epilogue, instead of, you know, a chapter 25.

Anyway, Edward is pissed as hell because Bella is insisting on democracy. When you really think about this, it’s completely stupid that she’s even putting this to a vote, because it’s her choice and her choice alone. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“All right then,” he said, his voice seething with disapproval. “Up you go.”
 He helped me onto his back, and took off running. “

 

Edward really gets unreasonably angry whenever his girlfriend asks for democracy regarding her own personal rights, doesn’t he? (+1 Red Flag)

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What this chapter should be called: Yay abuse!

Bella like-o-meter: 1

 

This chapter just really made me realize how much I’ve missed Edward.

We start off with a lame dream sequence that rapes the poor thesaurus beyond all mercy. You really need to read all of this to comprehend the full effect.

 

“I had the sense that I’d been asleep for a very long time—my body was stiff, like I hadn’t moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorful dreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. The horrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was sharp impatience and fear, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet can’t move fast enough… And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility.”

 

Ugh. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella wakes up and immediately freaks out because Edward is there. She’s convinced that she’s hallucinating, and that she’s finally gone insane enough to hallucinate about Edward 24/7.  Or maybe she’s died and they’re both in Heaven. I really don’t know.

Bella eventually realizes that she is indeed alive. She ruminates on how gorgeous Edward is. She finally has the sense to ask how long she’s been asleep.

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What next?

Posted: February 17, 2012 in Other crap
Tags: , , ,

I think it’s time that I need to seriously start considering WTF I’m going to do after Twilight. The way I look at it, I have a few options.

1. Read and review The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

2. Read and review Midnight Sun

3. Take William’s Twilight Challenge to heart

4. Curl up on my couch and pretend I’ve never even heard of Twilight for the sake of my fragile sanity

Since I’m a nutbag, I’ll let you decide my fate. (That’s how much I care.)

Go forth! Vote!