What this chapter should be called: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we lost the plot on the operating table.
Edward creep-o-meter: He’s not in this chapter, thank the lord, but it’s still hovering around a 5.
This chapter is called “Impatience” which I would say, is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid Bella is. I’m impatient that the entirety of this chapter takes place in a hotel room where absolutely nothing fucking happens. I’m impatient that this damn book isn’t over yet.
Anyhoo, Bella comes to in a hotel room. Wait, did Edward slip her a roofie and- nope, never mind, Bella came up with a stupid plan. Cue the awkward flashback scene!
“I did remember the sleek black car, the glass in the windows darker than that on a limousine. The engine was almost silent, though we’d raced across the black freeways at more than twice the legal speed.”
Now, I want you to remember that, because it’s important. Bella mentions that she and Alice were in the backseat while Jasper drove like a maniac (Because women don’t drive in Clan Cullen.), and apparently the sun rose somewhere in California. They got to Phoenix a few hours later.
“I didn’t have enough emotion left to be surprised that we’d made a three-day journey in one.”
Are your darling Sparklefairies really so special they can cram a three-day trip into what I estimate at 12 hours, Meyer? Use Google Maps. The shortest possible route from Forks to Phoenix, a total of approximately 1,500 miles apart, takes at least 26 hours. A normal person would probably drive about 8 hours a day to make this journey, but Sparklefairies can make the trip in less than 15 hours. What the hell? (+1 Stupidity)
If my calculations didn’t convince you, let’s consider speed into this problem. For convenience’s sake, we’ll assume Jasper never stopped and drove at a constant speed of 130 mph, twice the average freeway speed limit of 65 mph. He would get there in about 11.5 hours – in a perfect world. Unfortunately, we have thing like traffic and police officers that slow us the fuck down. (+1 Stupidity)
We already know that Jasper, while having super duper Sparklefairy reflexes, doesn’t have Edward’s psychic powers that can read the minds of radar guns and single out cops. I hate to break this to you, Meyer, but there’s no way in hell that Jasper could have driven over twice the speed limit the whole way. (+1 Stupidity)
Then we get to the point of traffic. While I’m willing to believe that there are some stretches of freeway in the more rural parts of Washington and Oregon that Jasper could have torn down without anyone giving a damn, there’s no way they could do that in California. Have any of you ever driven on any major highway in California? The traffic’s nasty as hell, the people are angry as hell, you’re scared as hell, and to put it shortly, you’re in hell. (+1 Stupidity)
Meyer, I’m calling shenanigans on this whole shitty journey. And if you think this is bad, wait until we read the part in New Moon when Alice and Bella go to Italy. (+1 Stupidity)
Whoof. So they sit in the hotel room, and Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping while Alice and Jasper wait with bated breath (+1 Thesaurus Rape) for Carlisle’s, “lol we killed him” call. Bella then has the sense to realize that she’s a useless blood burrito, and that maybe they should just let her get eaten.
“If that wild female hurts Esme…” My voice had grown higher, a note of hysteria beginning to rise in it. “How could I live with myself when it’s my fault? None of you should be risking yourselves for me —”
Haven’t I been saying this from the beginning?
During all of this totally necessary and thrilling time in the hotel room, Bella asks how vampires are made. Alice hrms on this one, seeing how Eddiekins had ordered her not to tell, figuring that Bella would jump on the first train to Sparkleville as soon as she knew how to buy a ticket.
“Edward doesn’t want me to tell you that,” she said firmly, but I sensed she didn’t agree. ”That’s not fair. I think I have a right to know.”
So Bella fishes the information out of Alice by claiming that she has the right to know, and I really don’t know how she figures that. (+1 Stupidity) Alice doesn’t want Edward to get angry, because we all know what happens when Edward gets angry. Bella literally begs, manipulating Alice into telling by saying that Alice is her friend. And we’re supposed to think people like Jessica are manipulative? (+1 Bitch)
“She looked at me with her splendid, wise eyes… choosing.”
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Oh, my head….
I’m seriously considering starting a charity to pay for Meyer’s thesaurus’s therapy. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And what else would Alice look at Bella with? Her elbow? See, this is what editors are for. There are several ways to rewrite this sentence to make it tolerable, like:
“I looked into her splendid, wise eyes, and saw that she was choosing.”
Or even better:
“I looked into her wise, decisive eyes.”
Moral of the story: Editors are your friends. (+1 Stupidity)
I can practically taste the smartassery I’m going to be dishing out in these next few paragraphs. It’s going to be glorious. (No, not in that way.)
“I’ll tell you the mechanics of it,” she said finally, “but I don’t remember it myself, and I’ve never done it or seen it done, so keep in mind that I can only tell you the theory.”
Prediction time! Seeing as these paragraphs are going to be a short dissertation on the mechanics of vampire venom, there will be plenty of times that Meyer contradicts herself. Hell, I bet half of this stuff won’t even make any sense.
“As predators, we have a glut of weapons in our physical arsenal — much, much more than really necessary. The strength, the speed, the acute senses, not to mention those of us like Edward, Jasper, and I, who have extra senses as well. And then, like a carnivorous flower, we are physically attractive to our prey.”
Bella takes a moment and remembers that Edward demonstrated that concept back in the meadow scene.
Now, let the games begin!
First off, I’m shocked Meyer had the literary balls to admit her characters are loaded down with powers that really aren’t necessary. Hell, next thing I know she’ll be admitting Bella is a giant self-insert.
Then we get to the carnivorous flowers. First, there is no such thing. Meyer probably meant carnivorous plants, but those plants are not flowers. That’s like confusing a petunia with a pine tree. Yes, they’re both flora, but that doesn’t make them interchangeable. (+1 Stupidity) I’ll give her some credit, because there are carnivorous plants that use color to lure in their prey, but most rely on chemical secretions and smell. It would make a helluva lot more sense if Plot Device elaborated on the whole smell thing, because I distinctly remember way back in chapter 9 where we deduced that Sparklepeen must gargle with cologne or something. (+1 Stupidity)
Oh, and what the hell is up with this whole attraction thing? I seem to remember that everyone stayed as far away as possible from the Cullens in school, so is attracted code for repulsed, or what? Consistency, Meyer, consistency!!! (+1 Stupidity)
Alice then points out the most obvious thing ever about vampires: they’re venomous.
“The venom doesn’t kill — it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”
“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”
Yeah, the venom totes doesn’t kill you, IT JUST TURNS YOU INTO A FRIGGIN’ FAIRY. But it does cause your heart to stop, effectively turning you…undead. So while you’re really not dead, in all technicality, your heart isn’t beating, so you are. Confused? Thanks, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)
And the only response to pain is totally just to lie there. (Given Bella’s actions in New Moon, Meyer is a firm advocate of this.) Pain most deffs isn’t a motivator or anything. (+1 Stupidity)
Then there’s the deal with the actual venom. Since Meyer never specifies, I’ll have to assume that it’s transmitted through bodily fluids, which means that Bedward shouldn’t be able to even kiss without her becoming infected, if the venom really is as potent as Alice claims. (+1 Stupidity) Of course, if we follow that logic, Edward’s very sperm should be venomous, but I don’t have enough brain bleach to go into that discussion.
Jesus Christ, a rabid honey badger on a 3-day coke binge could have wrote a better explanation of vampire venom.
And, Christ on a telephone pole, while Edward and Esme were lying in the hospital for 3 days totally not in enormous amounts of pain, how did no one notice? Or are you telling me that Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and absolutely no one noticed Carlisle dragging the pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue? (+1 Stupidity) Actually,I take it back, that would make a lot of sense, because he probably passed his creepy ways down to Edward.
Alice goes on some more about how fairies are like sharks, which I’m really not paying attention to because I’m trying to imagine what this book would be like if it really was written by a rabid, coked-up honey badger. (Probably better than it is now.)
Alice then has a sudden vision of a…ballet studio. Wow, Meyer, you just keep throwing me for a loop here. Well, at least it’s something less boring to break this already boring narrative. Maybe we’ll find out who thought it was a good idea to enroll Bella in the ballet lessons that resulted in that crippling inner-ear injury.
Apparently, this means that the tracker’s plans have changed, meaning Team Hunt-Jerkoff obviously wasn’t on top of things. (Oh, come on, Carlisle’s first choice in a companion was a teenage boy. You can’t tell me that there’s not something going on there.) JUST THEN Carlisle calls with the, “lol we fucked up u mad bro?” call, so Plot Device really isn’t useful as much as she is repetitive. I imagine that the supposed interaction between Team Hunt-Jerkoff and James went down like a badly matched Pokémon battle.
Notification: BADFAIRIES want to battle!
– BADFAIRIES sent out JAMES!
– JAMES used TRACK!…It’s very effective!
– GOODFAIRIES sent out DREW BREES!
– DREW BREES used TACKLE!…It’s super effective!
– GOODFAIRIES sent out CARLISLE!
– CARLISLE used COMPASSION!…It’s not very effective.
– GOODFAIRIES sent out EDWARD THE CREEPER!
– EDWARD THE CREEPER used SPARKLE!
– JAMES has fainted from laughter!
– BADFAIRIES have run away.
Anyways, Alice passes the phone to Bella so she can gush over Edward a little more. (Gack.)
“Hello?” I breathed. “Bella,” Edward said. “Oh, Edward! I was so worried.”
Oh, adding “oh” to the beginning of something immediately makes it sound passionate and loving! Oh, who the hell talks like that? Oh, I fucking hate this book! (+1 Stupidity)
“It was so unbelievably good to hear his voice. I felt the hovering cloud of despair lighten and drift back as he spoke.”
Hovering cloud of despair? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, but my rolling thunderstorm of snarkery isn’t standing for that. (+1 Angst)
Bella manages not to orgasm at the sound of Edward’s voice long enough for him to mention that Victoria (The ginger lady.) has been trolling around Forks trying to dig up dirt on Bella, which sounds like an episode of Desperate Housewives gone horribly wrong. Nobody’s hurt, though, because that would cause tension and therefore be unacceptable. Sparklepeen hangs up, and stupid Bella reverts to emo mode.
“As soon as the phone went dead, the cloud of depression began to creep over me again. ”
Pardon me while I send a tornado of doom to sprint Bella’s way. (+1 Angst)
Turns out the aforementioned ballet studio is right down the street from Bella’s mom’s house in Phoenix, and suddenly Bella is all concerned that Vickie got a hold of Bella’s school records. Yeah, because Forks is such a singularly idiotic town that the school office would just hand over Bella’s records to a ginger hippie lady with leaves in her hair. (+1 Stupidity)
So Bella decides to call her mom, but after a few rings she falls asleep because apparently this chapter was so boring that even she couldn’t take it.
James, I’m counting on you to eat this bitch.
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +71
Eye Rape: +12
Cream Count: +28
Red Flag: +68