Posts Tagged ‘Drew Brees’

What this chapter should be called: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we lost the plot on the operating table.

Edward creep-o-meter: He’s not in this chapter, thank the lord, but it’s still hovering around a 5.

 

This chapter is called “Impatience” which I would say, is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid Bella is. I’m impatient  that the entirety of this chapter takes place in a hotel room where absolutely nothing fucking happens. I’m impatient  that this damn book isn’t over yet.

Anyhoo, Bella comes to in a hotel room. Wait, did Edward slip her a roofie and- nope, never mind, Bella came up with a stupid plan. Cue the awkward flashback scene!

 

“I did remember the sleek black car, the glass in the windows darker than that on a limousine. The engine was almost silent, though we’d raced across the black freeways at more than twice the legal speed.”

 

Now, I want you to remember that, because it’s important. Bella mentions that she and Alice were in the backseat while Jasper drove like a maniac (Because women don’t drive in Clan Cullen.), and apparently the sun rose somewhere in California. They got to Phoenix a few hours later.

 

“I didn’t have enough emotion left to be surprised that we’d made a three-day journey in one.”

 

Are your darling Sparklefairies really so special they can cram a three-day trip into what I estimate at 12 hours, Meyer? Use Google Maps. The shortest possible route from Forks to Phoenix, a total of approximately 1,500 miles apart, takes at least 26 hours. A normal person would probably drive about 8 hours a day to make this journey, but Sparklefairies can make the trip in less than 15 hours. What the hell? (+1 Stupidity)

If my calculations didn’t convince you, let’s consider speed into this problem. For convenience’s sake, we’ll assume Jasper never stopped and drove at a constant speed of 130 mph, twice the average freeway speed limit of 65 mph. He would get there in about 11.5 hours – in a perfect world. Unfortunately, we have thing like traffic and police officers that slow us the fuck down.  (+1 Stupidity)

We already know that Jasper, while having super duper Sparklefairy reflexes, doesn’t have Edward’s psychic powers that can read the minds of radar guns and single out cops. I hate to break this to you, Meyer, but there’s no way in hell that Jasper could have driven over twice the speed limit the whole way. (+1 Stupidity)

Then we get to the point of traffic. While I’m willing to believe that there are some stretches of freeway in the more rural parts of Washington and Oregon that Jasper could have torn down without anyone giving a damn, there’s no way they could do that in California. Have any of you ever driven on any major highway in California? The traffic’s nasty as hell, the people are angry as hell, you’re scared as hell, and to put it shortly, you’re in hell. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer, I’m calling shenanigans on this whole shitty journey. And if you think this is bad, wait until we read the part in New Moon when Alice and Bella go to Italy. (+1 Stupidity)

Whoof. So they sit in the hotel room, and Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping while Alice and Jasper wait with bated breath  (+1 Thesaurus Rape)  for Carlisle’s, “lol we killed him” call. Bella then has the sense to realize that she’s a useless blood burrito, and that maybe they should just let her get eaten.

 

“If that wild female hurts Esme…” My voice had grown higher, a note of hysteria beginning to rise in it. “How could I live with myself when it’s my fault?
 None of you should be risking yourselves for me —”

 

Haven’t I been saying this from the beginning?

During all of this totally necessary and thrilling time in the hotel room, Bella asks how vampires are made. Alice hrms on this one, seeing how Eddiekins had ordered her not to tell, figuring that Bella would jump on the first train to Sparkleville as soon as she knew how to buy a ticket.

 

“Edward doesn’t want me to tell you that,” she said firmly, but I sensed she didn’t agree.

”That’s not fair. I think I have a right to know.”

 

So Bella fishes the information out of Alice by claiming that she has the right to know, and I really don’t know how she figures that. (+1 Stupidity) Alice doesn’t want Edward to get angry, because we all know what happens when Edward gets angry. Bella literally begs, manipulating Alice into telling by saying that Alice is her friend. And we’re supposed to think people like Jessica are manipulative? (+1 Bitch)

 

“She looked at me with her splendid, wise eyes… choosing.”

 

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Oh, my head….

I’m seriously considering starting a charity to pay for Meyer’s thesaurus’s therapy. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And what else would Alice look at Bella with? Her elbow? See, this is what editors are for. There are several ways to rewrite this sentence to make it tolerable, like:

“I looked into her splendid, wise eyes, and saw that she was choosing.”

Or even better:

“I looked into her wise, decisive eyes.”

Moral of the story: Editors are your friends. (+1 Stupidity)

I can practically taste the smartassery I’m going to be dishing out in these next few paragraphs. It’s going to be glorious. (No, not in that way.)

 

“I’ll tell you the mechanics of it,” she said finally, “but I don’t remember it myself, and I’ve never done it or seen it done, so keep in mind that I can only tell you the theory.”

 

Prediction time! Seeing as these paragraphs are going to be a short dissertation on the mechanics of vampire venom, there will be plenty of times that Meyer contradicts herself.  Hell, I bet half of this stuff won’t even make any sense.

 

“As predators, we have a glut of weapons in our physical arsenal — much, much more than really necessary. The strength, the speed, the acute senses, not to mention those of us like Edward, Jasper, and
 I, who have extra senses as well. And then, like a carnivorous flower, we are physically attractive to our prey.”

 

Bella takes a moment and remembers that Edward demonstrated that concept back in the meadow scene.

Now, let the games begin!

First off, I’m shocked Meyer had the literary balls to admit her characters are loaded down with powers that really aren’t necessary. Hell, next thing I know she’ll be admitting Bella is a giant self-insert.

Then we get to the carnivorous flowers. First, there is no such thing. Meyer probably meant carnivorous plants, but those plants are not flowers. That’s like confusing a petunia with a pine tree. Yes, they’re both flora, but that doesn’t make them interchangeable. (+1 Stupidity) I’ll give her some credit, because there are carnivorous plants that use color to lure in their prey, but most rely on chemical secretions and smell. It would make a helluva lot more sense if Plot Device elaborated on the whole smell thing, because I distinctly remember way back in chapter 9 where we deduced that Sparklepeen must gargle with cologne or something. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and what the hell is up with this whole attraction thing? I seem to remember that everyone stayed as far away as possible from the Cullens in school, so is attracted code for repulsed, or what? Consistency, Meyer, consistency!!! (+1 Stupidity)

Alice then points out the most obvious thing ever about vampires: they’re venomous.

 

“The venom doesn’t kill — it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”

 

*stares*

 

“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the
bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison
 spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”

 

Yeah, the venom totes doesn’t kill you, IT JUST TURNS YOU INTO A FRIGGIN’ FAIRY. But it does cause your heart to stop, effectively turning you…undead. So while you’re really not dead, in all technicality, your heart isn’t beating, so you are. Confused? Thanks, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

And the only response to pain is totally just to lie there. (Given Bella’s actions in New Moon, Meyer is a firm advocate of this.) Pain most deffs isn’t a motivator or anything. (+1 Stupidity)

Then there’s the deal with the actual venom. Since Meyer never specifies, I’ll have to assume that it’s transmitted through bodily fluids, which means that Bedward shouldn’t be able to even kiss without her becoming infected, if the venom really is as potent as Alice claims. (+1 Stupidity) Of course, if we follow that logic, Edward’s very sperm  should be venomous, but I don’t have enough brain bleach to go into that discussion.

Jesus Christ, a rabid honey badger on a 3-day coke binge could have wrote a better explanation of vampire venom.

And, Christ on a telephone pole, while Edward and Esme were lying in the hospital for 3 days totally not in enormous amounts of pain, how did no one notice? Or are you telling me that Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and absolutely no one noticed Carlisle dragging the pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue? (+1 Stupidity) Actually,I take it back, that would make a lot of sense, because he probably passed his creepy ways down to Edward.

Alice goes on some more about how fairies are like sharks, which I’m really not paying attention to because I’m trying to imagine what this book would be like if it really was written by a rabid, coked-up honey badger. (Probably better than it is now.)

Alice then has a sudden vision of a…ballet studio. Wow, Meyer, you just keep throwing me for a loop here. Well, at least it’s something less boring to break this already boring narrative. Maybe we’ll find out who thought it was a good idea to enroll Bella in the ballet lessons that resulted in that crippling inner-ear injury.

Apparently, this means that the tracker’s plans have changed, meaning Team Hunt-Jerkoff obviously wasn’t on top of things. (Oh, come on, Carlisle’s first choice in a companion was a teenage boy. You can’t tell me that there’s not something going on there.) JUST THEN Carlisle calls with the, “lol we fucked up u mad bro?” call, so Plot Device really isn’t useful as much as she is repetitive. I imagine that the supposed interaction between Team Hunt-Jerkoff and James went down like a badly matched Pokémon battle.

 

Notification: BADFAIRIES want to battle!

– BADFAIRIES  sent out JAMES!

– JAMES used TRACK!…It’s very effective!

– GOODFAIRIES sent out DREW BREES!

– DREW BREES used TACKLE!…It’s super effective!

– GOODFAIRIES sent out CARLISLE!

– CARLISLE used COMPASSION!…It’s not very effective.

– GOODFAIRIES sent out  EDWARD THE CREEPER!

– EDWARD THE CREEPER  used SPARKLE!

–  JAMES has fainted from laughter!

– BADFAIRIES have run away.

 

Anyways, Alice passes the phone to Bella so she can gush over Edward a little more. (Gack.)

 

“Hello?” I breathed.
 “Bella,” Edward said.
 “Oh, Edward! I was so worried.”

 

Oh, adding “oh” to the beginning of something immediately makes it sound passionate and loving! Oh, who the hell talks like that? Oh, I fucking hate this book! (+1 Stupidity)

 

“It was so unbelievably good to hear his voice. I felt the hovering cloud of despair lighten and drift back as he spoke.”

 

Hovering cloud of despair? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, but my rolling thunderstorm of snarkery isn’t standing for that. (+1 Angst)

Bella manages not to orgasm at the sound of Edward’s voice long enough for him to mention that Victoria (The ginger lady.) has been trolling around Forks trying to dig up dirt on Bella, which sounds like an episode of Desperate Housewives gone horribly wrong. Nobody’s hurt, though, because that would cause tension and therefore be unacceptable. Sparklepeen hangs up, and stupid Bella reverts to emo mode.

 

“As soon as the phone went dead, the cloud of depression began to creep over me again.
”

 

Pardon me while I send a tornado of doom to sprint Bella’s way. (+1 Angst)

Turns out the aforementioned ballet studio is right down the street from Bella’s mom’s house in Phoenix, and suddenly Bella is all concerned that Vickie got a hold of Bella’s school records. Yeah, because Forks is such a singularly idiotic town that the school office would just hand over Bella’s records to a ginger hippie lady with leaves in her hair. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella decides to call her mom, but after a few rings she falls asleep because apparently this chapter was so boring that even she couldn’t take it.

James, I’m counting on you to eat this bitch.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +241

Angst: +24

Bitch: +75

Thesaurus Rape: +71

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8

What this chapter should be called: This plot needs an ambulance!

Edward creep-o-meter: 6

 

Remember, last chapter, how we thought that plot was actually happening?

Well, this book lies to you.

Because it’s taking forever to actually happen.

Bella is driven home, and like the caring father he is, Charlie stayed up for her. Edward reminds her, once again, that she has 15 MINUTES, because this is serious fucking business. Emmett unbuckles her from the harness, and tells Bella not to worry, everything will be okay. I’ll be damned. Maybe not all Sparklefairies are tremendous douchesilos.

 

“I barely knew him, and yet, somehow, not knowing when I would see him again after tonight was anguishing.”

 

19 chapters into the book, and we still haven’t any idea how to properly convey a character’s emotion without long flowery words or spelling it out. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Edward leads Bella up the front steps, and Bella asks him to keep Charlie safe.

 

“One more thing,” I whispered passionately. “Don’t listen to another word I say tonight!”

 

Way ahead of ya, sweetheart.

She runs in the house, screaming for Edward to go away. Her dad Charlie is understandably confused. She continues to scream at him as she runs up the stairs, somehow finding the time in her angst to say she broke up with Edward because she liked him too much. Edward pops in to her room to help her pack, because apparently 15 minutes is too short of a time for a pathetic human like Bella to handle. Charlie says that Bella can’t go to Phoenix because Renee isn’t actually there right now, and Bella whips out the big guns.

 

“I repeated my mother’s last words as she’d walked out this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and I threw the door open. “It didn’t work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!”

 

No matter how you spin it, that’s just low. (+1 Bitch)

I find it really funny that when Bella does something really petty and mean, *coughflirtingwithJacobcallingMikeadogandignoringTylercough* Meyer shoves in a few sentences about how awful she feels and how she would never  do something like this if she didn’t have a choice, but I just pulled out  3 examples that prove Bella is rotten to the core, and by this point in the reviews, I’m sure you could too.

Charlie is stunned and hurt, naturally. Bella rushes out with her duffel bag and guns her truck out of the driveway. Edward magically appears in the passenger’s seat, with no explanation as to how he got there, (+1 Stupidity) and, you guessed it, demands that he drives.

 

“I can drive,” I said through the tears pouring down my cheeks. His long hands unexpectedly gripped my waist, and his foot pushed mine off the gas pedal. He pulled me across his lap, wrenching my hands free of the wheel, and suddenly he was in the driver’s seat.”

 

See that, boys? If your girlfriend is not giving you your way, just pick her up and put her somewhere else. (+1 Red Flag)

Edward drives the truck back to Chez Cullen, with Alice and Emmett close behind. The tracker heard all of Bella’s angsty exposition, because there might be some tension in this book if he didn’t, and that would be unacceptable. Edward says that he follows them back to the house.

Along the way, Meyer surprises me with another genuine moment of caring.

 

“I didn’t realize you were still so bored with small-town life,” he said conversationally, and I knew he was trying to distract me. “It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well — especially recently. Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you.”

 

Do you see why this works? It’s not just fluffy face touching, it’s actual caring. I’m even willing to gloss over the fact that, one again, a character’s actions were spelled out for us in Bella’s exposition. This is one of the rare spots where I can actually feel the meaning behind Edward’s words. He goes on to comfort Bella when she slips in the obligatory remorse about hurting her father, saying Charlie will forgive her. If the book was peppered through with moments like these, Bedward’s romance would be much more credible. A cookie to Meyer for showing she might be able to write after all. (+1 Redemption)

 

“We’ll be together again in a few days,” he said, tightening his arm around me. “Don’t forget that this was your idea.”

 

Aaaand I take it back. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer has enough sense left in her vapid head to bring up the issue as to why these Sparklefairies seem to find her like a fat man finds an all-you-can-eat Vegas style buffet. I’m adding psychoanalyst to Edward’s résumé, seeing as he explains every little detail of James’ mind, that he loves a challenge and sees the whole situation as a game, probably because of his mommy issues and the 4th grade noodle incident. (+1 Stupidity) Apparently, if Edward hadn’t protected Bella there wouldn’t be the thrill of the hunt, blah blah blah fuck fuckety fuck. How convenient that an enemy like this happened to show up six chapters before the end of the book, so Edward can show just how devoted he is to Bella. Yippee. (+1 Stupidity)

Emmett pops Bella under his arm like a football, and rushes her into the house. This is just too damn funny, and I keep imagining a football with Bella’s face on it. (On another note, would it be okay if I called Emmett “Drew Brees” from now on? Awesome.) Laurent is there, apologetic that James is tracking down Eddiekins’ cheeseburger. Drew Brees growls at Laurent.

 

“He’s tracking us,” Edward announced, glaring balefully at Laurent.
 Laurent’s face was unhappy. “I was afraid of that.”

 

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LADY!!! PUT THE DAMN THESAURUS DOWN!

FUCK!

So, after that lovely asswipe of a line (+1 Stupidity), Plot Device “dances” over to Jasper’s side, and they magically sprout wings and fly up the stairs. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Meanwhile, Rosalie moves over to Drew Brees’ side and glares at Bella, understandably pissed at Bella for fucking up her family dynamic.

 

“Can you stop him?”
 Laurent shook his head. “Nothing stops James when he gets started.”

 

Laurent cautions everyone against actually fighting James. James is really strong, you guys, super strong, and really deadly and everything. That’s why Laurent joined his coven. PSYCH! You thought Laurent was the leader! OH MAN! What a twist, Meyer, I’m oh-so satisfied with this plot! I totes never saw this coming!

Being completely awesome, Drew Brees says he will stop him, because, hey, he’s fucking Drew Brees.

 

“Laurent was shaking his head. He glanced at me, perplexed, and back to Carlisle. “Are you sure it’s worth it?”

 

Laurent now ties with Drew Brees and Tyler’s homicidal psychopath of a van for my favorite character.

 

“Get her upstairs and trade clothes,” Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.”

 

Rosalie says no, claiming that Bella’s a useless casserole who’s gotten them all into trouble. Bella watches Edward, wondering what his temper will make him do. Yes, it’s just as dispassionate as that. “Hmm, is he going to hit his sister?” (+1 Stupidity)

Since Rosalie defied Edward’s flawless logic, he turns to Esme and asks the same thing. Like the good, obedient woman she is, Esme carries the human pot pie up the stairs and they swap. Alice then carts her back downstairs. Is the girl not allowed to walk anymore?

Once they’re back downstairs, Edward and Drew Brees are packed up and ready to go. Uh, what the hell? Wasn’t the fact that big baddie James wouldn’t attack the house stated just a few paragraphs ago?

 

“Yes. He won’t attack the house, though. Not tonight.”

 

What the fuck, guys? Just lock the human-shaped chicken nugget in the basement and wait. Once again, Meyer is creating a problem that’s completely avoidable. Seems to me like laying low for a few days is a hell of a lot easier than running 5 states away.  They can make like a redneck and hang out on the porch for a few hours until big bad James gets pissed, and when he shows himself, we’ll just rip him to pieces. Problem solved. (+1 Stupidity)

Anyhoo, Plot Device says that James will follow Edward & Co. while the woman follows the truck, so Carlisle gives the green light on Operation: Get the Dumb Bitch out of Town.

Edward gives Bella a goodbye smooch, and Jasper has his first real dialogue when he tells Bella that yes, she is worth it. The gang the splits up into Team Fake-out (Rosalie and Esme) Team Hunt-Jerkoff (Drew Brees, Edward, and Carlisle) and Team Protect the Human Chowder (Plot Device and Jasper). Alice asks if she can carry Bella. Hey, at least she asks.

 

Will someone PLEASE  hurry up and get eaten already?

 

Final Count:

 Stupidity: +7

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

Red Flag: +1

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +225

Angst: +22

Bitch: +74

Thesaurus Rape: +69

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8