What Bella would call this chapter: Impassioned Sorrowful Sadness
Fucks I give: I do not give a fuck, you see
Oh. My. Jeebus. I am so tired of this book. I loathe it with a passion. I’m sick and tired of reading about people who are sick and tired. I would rather watch a marathon of Jersey Shore than endure another chapter of this dreck. I just need something to happen, already.
But instead of something happening, we timeskip ahead a few hours and get some lovely dialogue about running patrols. Great. This book should have just been titled, “Running Patrols: The Endless Race Against Logic.” Whatever. Jacob runs patrols with Seth while Leah sleeps.
“It was easier to run with him than it was to do the same with Leah. Though she was trying—trying hard—there was always an edge to her thoughts. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to feel the softening toward the vampires that was going on in my head. She didn’t want to deal with Seth’s cozy friendship with them, a friendship that was only getting stronger.”
Jacob ponders why Leah isn’t trying to antagonize him and thinks about Bella.
“That got me thinking. If the Cullens were able to get out of the immediate area safely, they really ought to keep on going. They probably should have taken off the second we’d come to warn them. They had to be able to afford other digs. And they had friends up north, right? Take Bella and run. It seemed like an obvious answer to their problems.”
Silly, foolish, adorable Jacob. You’re so naive. Moving Bella away from danger is far too logical. Pfft. Next, you’ll start telling them to stop going to high school all the time. (+1 Stupidity)
Seth has already brought up that obvious solution to the Cullens, though. They can’t move Bella, because A) she’s ready to pop, B) all of Carlisle’s probably stolen medical stuff is in Forks, C) Doc is running low on blood, so he’ll have to steal more from the hospital soon, and D) moving now would mean they lose all those episodes of Modern Family they have tivo’d, and no one really wants that. (+1 Stupidity)
But whatever. Bella is feeling better, but the demonspawn is kicking the crap out of her, so Carlizzle is constantly taping up her ribs. And, thanks to some lovely info from ownedbyrats, apparently, you just can’t do that. You would have to tape them so tightly that the patient couldn’t breathe, and plus, your lungs will fucking collapse. (+1 Stupidity) In other Bella news, she’s running (a patrol) low fever on and off. She’s been talking to Charlie, too.
“Now Seth’s pace stuttered; my fury surprised him. Guess he calls every day to talk to her. Sometimes her mom calls, too. Bella sounds so much better now, so she was reassuring him that she was on the mend— On the mend? What the hell are they thinking?! Get Charlie’s hopes up just so that he can be destroyed even worse when she dies? I thought they were getting him ready for that! Trying to prepare him! Why would she set him up like this?”
Since Charlie and Renee are complete idiots, Bella has been telling them she’s in some sort of isolation ward in a special hospital because of some freaky tropical disease. I can maybe see Renee swallowing this, because she’s flakey and cares more about her boyfriend. But Charlie? Charlie is the Chief of Police. It is quite literally his job to sniff out lies and injustice, and to question facts until he’s sure it’s the truth. Like Batman, but with an appetite for donuts. But he’s cool with just lazing around, while his daughter dies from some mystery illness. Chrissakes,he nearly shot her in the head with after he found out about her motorcycle. So he’s more than a bit protective. If this were a real person, with a real daughter, I’d imagine he would be calling every medical professional in the world trying to figure out what’s happening. Instead, Charlie sits at home and watches basketball while waiting for his daughter to get better. (+3 Stupidity)
“We ran in silence for a few minutes. I started off along a new line, probing south. Don’t get too far. Why? Bella asked me to ask you to stop by. My teeth locked together. Alice wants you, too. She says she’s tired of hanging out in the attic like the vampire bat in the belfry. Seth snorted a laugh. I was switching off with Edward before. Trying to keep Bella’s temperature stable. Cold to hot, as needed. I guess, if you don’t want to do it, I could go back—No. I got it, I snapped.”
Jacob runs back to the Cullen house because he really needs to grow a pair, and because he’s needed to play “wolf-man blanket.” Why the Cullens can’t just buy a space heater is beyond me. (+1 Stupidity)
“I passed right through the perimeter on my way back, heading for the house. As much as I knew it was a stupid thing to do, I couldn’t stop myself. I must be some kind of masochist.”
Jacob goes back and thinks more sad thoughts on the way in. Does Meyer know how to write thoughts that aren’t sad thoughts? Nobody knows. (+1 Angst) When he finally gets there, Esme and Alice welcome him back gushingly. There’s lots more creepy foreshadowing as to how having Jacob there just feels “right.” (Like we don’t know he’s shacking up with the baby. Poor bastard.)
Alice and Jacob have a weird little bonding moment while Bella is in the bathroom. I guess this makes sense. Both of them are Bella’s former besties who can no longer hold a flame to Rosalie and Bella’s newfound friendship. (+1 Bitch)
“Oh, wonderful,” Rosalie grumbled. I whipped my head around and saw her coming from a hall half-hidden behind the stairway. She had Bella cradled gently in her arms, a harsh sneer on her face for me. “I knew I smelled something nasty.” And, just like before, Bella’s face lit up like a kid’s on Christmas morning. Like I’d brought her the greatest gift ever. It was so unfair. “Jacob,” she breathed. “You came.” “Hi, Bells.”
Rosalie still hates Jacob. Bella still looks frail and sickly. Edward is still not doing anything useful. Yawn. Jake sits on the couch with Bella and lets her hold his hand. He gets hungry, so Alice tells Rose to get back in the kitchen. Really. A true champion of feminism, this book is. There’s some quip about Rosalie spitting in Jacob’s food, and when she comes back out with it, it’s in a makeshift dog bowl. Huh. That’s almost funny.
“Then Rosalie was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased smirk, she set a silver bowl on the floor next to me. “Enjoy, mongrel.” It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but she’d bent the bowl back in on itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed with her quick craftsmanship. And her attention to detail. She’d scratched the word Fido into the side. Excellent handwriting.”
Seriously, what’s with all the werewolf hate? What did Jacob ever do to Rosalie? I mean, the other Cullens are thankful that he’s been around to run patrols and whatnot. But not Rosalie. Why all the hostility? Is it because vampires have two extra chromosomes? (+1 Stupidity)
There’s more pointless chitchat between Bella and Jake that makes me want to cry with anger and vomit with frustration. Long story short, Bella is happy that Jacob is still her little bitch and comes when he’s called. (+1 Bitch) Finally, the dumb whore falls asleep and Jacob goes to ask Edward why the fuck he let Bella talk to Charlie.
“Occasionally, the mind-reading thing saved time. For example, maybe I wouldn’t have to make a big production out of the accusation about what was going on with Charlie. That mess. Edward would just hear exactly how furious— “Yes,” he agreed. “It’s not a good idea.” “Then why?” Why was Bella telling her father she was on the mend when it would only make him more miserable? “She can’t bear his anxiety.” “So it’s better—” “No. It’s not better. But I’m not going to force her to do anything that makes her unhappy now. ”
Edward agrees that it was a terrible idea, but it was what Bella wanted. Yeesh. Does Bella always get what she wants, or what? I dare you to find one occurrence in this series where Bella doesn’t get exactly what she wants. I double dog – no, fuck that noise, I triple salamander dare you.
And what Bella really wants at the moment is to see her dad after she becomes a vampire. Why not, I say? It’s not like Chuck is gonna notice. Hell, you could show him a mutated version of Bella with cucumbers for legs and tentacles for arms, and Charlie would be more interested in the baseball game on tv.
Actually, why not just make Chuck a vampire? Then we get around the Volturi’s pesky rules and Chuck gains the power to watch any sporting event in the world. I see no downsides to this plan. Moving on.
“Four days?” I asked.He didn’t look up. “Approximately.” “Then what?” “What do you mean, exactly?” I thought about what Bella had said. About the thing being wrapped up nice and tight in something strong, something like vampire skin. So how did that work? How did it get out? “From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb,” he whispered. I had to pause to swallow back the bile.”
Turns out Emmett and Jasper haven’t been around because they’ve been researching half-vampires. (Dumb bastards could have just used Wikipedia.) but, this seems like a waste of talent. Why aren’t Alice and Esme doing research? They haven’t done anything useful so far, and I can’t really see Emmett turning the pages of an ancient tome with his axe. Then, Emmett and Jasper could be out helping the werewolves defend Castle Cullen. Does that just make too much sense or what? (+ 1 Stupidity)
“Stories? If there were myths, then…“Then is this thing not the first of its kind?” Edward asked, anticipating my question. “Maybe. It’s all very sketchy. The myths could easily be the products of fear and imagination. Though . . .”—he hesitated—“your myths are true, are they not? Perhaps these are, too. They do seem to be localized, linked. . . .” “How did you find… ?”
Ahh, I love it when this book gives us bits of vampire lore. All they’ve been able to find on half-vampires is that they tear their way out through their mother’s stomach with their teeth. I don’t really get that. It’s gross, silly, and graphic. Why pound down a wall when there’s a perfectly good door? And, the babies always kill the mothers. Jacob and Edward don’t like to think about it, but Rosalie doesn’t mind. At this point, it’s fairly obvious that she cares more about the baby than she does about Bella.
“She made a scornful noise in the back of her throat. “Of course there were no survivors,” she said. No survivors, blunt and uncaring. “Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has— caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have survived if they’d had that—if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of.” She sniffed disdainfully.”
Well. Way to make some gross generalizations about South America there, Meyer. Because, right, all South Americans are uncivilized, non-Christian tribespeople who live in the jungle. Uh-huh. Meyer, please, before you write this shit, maybe go back and read it to make sure it doesn’t sound crazy offensive? (+1 Stupidity)
Whatever. Rosalie’s theory is that since everyone has prepared for this, and the baby can be born under the watchful eyes of Doctor C, everything is gonna be sunshine and buttercups, for the demonspawn, anyways. Both Edward and Jake are mortally offended that someone doesn’t worship precious Bella, so Jake throws his “dog dish” at the back of her head. He gets some food in her hair, Rosalie gets all pissy, everyone laughs, tensions are erased, and I still don’t care about any of this. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella wakes up, moaning in pain because the baby is moving. Carlisle has a sudden epiphany, and, yay, more chromosome talk!
“You know that I was wondering about the fetus’s genetic makeup, Jacob. About his chromosomes.”“What of it?” “Well, taking your similarities into consideration—””Similarities?” I growled, not appreciating the plural. “The accelerated growth, and the fact that Alice cannot see either of you.” I felt my face go blank. I’d forgotten about that other one. “Well, I wonder if that means that we have an answer. If the similarities are gene deep.” “Twenty-four pairs,” Edward muttered under his breath.”
Good God, Carlizzle. You can’t just assume that the genetic makeup of two things is the same because they happen to have some common traits. I mean, I like apples, and horses like apples, but that doesn’t mean I have the same amount of chromosomes as a horse. Geez. Carlisle would look at a kid inflating a balloon and say, “That balloon must have 24 chromosomes, because it’s growing at an alarming rate.” He would also accuse a bag of microwave popcorn of being a werewolf because it expands rapidly. (+1 Stupidity) How is this guy a doctor again?
The Cullens continue to talk science, which flies right over Jacob’s head. He begins to space out and think about how the birth of the demonspawn will go.
“…Edward’d said that—in myths—other monsters like this one would chew their way out of their own mothers. I shuddered. And that made a sick kind of sense, because, fact four, not many things could cut through something as strong as vampire skin. The half-creature’s teeth— according to myth—were strong enough. My teeth were strong enough. And vampire teeth were strong enough.”
And thus, Jacob comes to the conclusion that someone is going to have to gnaw the baby out of Bella, and then spit it out like a watermelon seed.
Fun fact: the actual birth scene doesn’t happen until Chapter 18. Why the hell is Meyer going to stretch 4 days out over 60 pages? I cannot believe that there will be anything I seriously need to know in the next two chapters.
Either way, Meyer better call it, because I’m starting to root for the damn thing.
Thesaurus Rape: +16
Cream Count: +2
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +11 Jacob: +6