Posts Tagged ‘Renesmee Cullen’

What this chapter should be called: Bella Cullen and the Case of the Stupid Mystery

Fucks I give: 1

Chapters left: 6

* Please forgive my terrible formatting. I’m having a lot of technical difficulties right now. *

Chapter 33 was kinda tolerable. It didn’t talk about baby-dating and only vaguely alluded to condoned homicide. We start off with Bella and taking Renesmee to her grandfather’s house. Chuck hasn’t seen the kid in a while, obviously because of all the vampires residing in Chez Cullen, and is missing her. Bella offers to drive Wonder Kid on over, with Jacob tagging along because his relationship with Renesmee is healthy and not suffocating at all.


“This trip was about more than protecting my father from the twenty-seven oddly matched vampires—who all had sworn not to kill anyone in a three-hundred-mile radius, but still… Obviously, no human being should get anywhere near this group. This was the excuse I’d given Edward: I was taking Renesmee to Charlie so that he wouldn’t decide to come here. It was a good reason for leaving the house, but not my real reason at all.”

Bella’s true plan is to sneak off to Seattle, in order to find this J. Jenks dude. You might be wondering why Bella would venture outside on her own, knowing that the Volturi could strike at any time and would easily destroy her.That’s because you’re smart. Have a cookie. (+1 Stupidity) Let’s just say that the Volturi won’t attack her because of…a magic boombox. There we go.

What this chapter should be called: It’s okay to kill people as long as you don’t know them
Fucks I give: 5 out of anger
Chapters left: 7


I apologize in advance for the level of anger you are about to witness. This is going to be a very bitter review. If your computer has a text-to-speech function, you should turn your volume down. Even if your computer is politely silent, you may want to step back from the screen. The words will be strong. Some of them may not even be words at all. I may need numbers to express my level of frustration. When numbers fail me, I may turn to colors and pound signs.  You have been warned.

It’s just, UGH. This book is so very, very bad. It’s terrible. It’s about depressed people doing horrible things and justifying those horrible things with love. It’s about face touching. It’s about old men falling in love with high school girls. It’s about baby-dating. It’s not about romance, or adventure, or growing up and finding your place in the world.

I say all this because in this chapter Bella thinks it’s okay to kill people.

What this chapter should be called: No one understands what a shield is
Fucks I give: 2
Chapters left: 8


I am so close to being done with this book that I can taste it, so let’s just jump right in.


“What is the werewolves’ part in this?” Tanya asked then, eyeing Jacob. Jacob spoke before Edward could answer. “If the Volturi won’t stop to listen about Nessie, I mean Renesmee,” he corrected himself, remembering that Tanya would not understand his stupid nickname, “we will stop them.”


Tanya and Jacob argue over whether the werewolves will be as nimbly-bimbly and useful as the sparklepires if it comes to a fight with the Volturi. Nobody is winning the argument, but everyone can agree that Eleazar’s pacing and out-loud thinking is quite interesting.


“A very talented family,” Eleazar murmured as he paced. His tempo was increasing; he flashed from the door to Carmen and back again every second. “A mind reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever magic this extraordinary child has bewitched us with. I wonder if there is a name for what she does, or if it is the norm for a vampire hybrid. As if such a thing could ever be considered normal! A vampire hybrid, indeed!”


Eleazar is totes shocked at Bella’s resistance to vampire powers. Bella quickly clarifies that she’s not immune to all vampire powers, just the ones associated with the brain. Well, that explains a lot. Alice must be able to see Bella’s future because decisions are made in the trachea, not the brain! And Jasper can influence her emotions because, obviously, emotions come from the digestive tract. How could I have ever missed this? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Somehow, I think I can resist
Fucks I give: -1
Chapters left: 9


If there’s one thing that is consistent throughout all these books, it’s Bella’s ability to worry about things for twenty pages. The girl could release her own self-help book called, “How to Worry About Things In 20-Page Increments: For Home or Office.” For instance, if you’re out of cheese, you can write twenty pages on what would happen if you never ate cheese again. It wouldn’t fix your problem, but at least you could be hip and sassy like Bella Swan-Cullen, the superstar of 21st century literature.


But maybe I’m being mean. Bella does have a good reason to worry, after all. The Volturi are coming to kill her and her family in less than a month for no good reason. I’d probably worry a bit too. She should continue her 20-page worry-a-thons. It’s just like the time in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones spent the entire movie saying, “Gosh. I sure hope the bad guys don’t get the Ark. That would be awful. All the pain and suffering…I just don’t know if I could handle that. I better make love.” (+1 Stupidity)


What this chapter should be called: Make it stop, Lord, please
Fucks I give: – 1 quadrillion

I’m in a pretty shitty mood right now, and it’ll probably show as I write this chapter’s review. Why am I in such a terrible mood? Mostly because last chapter, we were left with Bella lunging for Jacob’s throat. I foolishly believed that this chapter would be a continuation of the action set up in the last one.

Boy, was I wrong.


“I’m so sorry, Seth. I should have been closer.” Edward was still apologizing, and I didn’t think that was either fair or appropriate. After all, Edward hadn’t completely and inexcusably lost control of his temper. Edward hadn’t tried to rip Jacob’s head off—Jacob, who wouldn’t even phase to protect himself—and then accidentally broken Seth’s shoulder and collarbone when he jumped in between. Edward hadn’t almost killed his best friend.”


Instead of witnessing the tussle, we’ve skipped ahead to 15 after the actual tussle. Bella is the worst narrator ever. She barely tells us what happened, and she does a fairly craptastic job with that, too. Bella could go watch a kung fu tournament, be quiet for an hour, and then describe it to us as, “some guys did kung fu and I watched.” (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Baby-dating is better than weird nicknames
Fucks I give: A single fuck was given out of sheer confusion


This chapter is all about meeting Renesmee. It also goes to show that Meyer has no idea what she’s doing, because this baby is just one big contradiction. Pointless paragraphs are spent describing the wonder of this child that makes no flippin’ sense. By the end of this chapter, I was about ready to smite myself.


“Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us. “She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.”


Edward goes on and on telling us that Renesmee is equal parts of him and Bella. She has Edward’s facial features, but Bella’s eyes. she has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, but also tough and impenetrable. She an exact 50/50 split between vampire and human. Oh, and she’s growing at an alarming rate. How does that work, exactly? And why is no one concerned? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: New pain in the ass
Fucks I give: -3

I think it really says a lot about this chapter that the first page is spent on describing the beauty of dust.

Other than that, Bella is a shitty mother. Like, really terrible. She is so obsessed with her newfound beauty that it takes her five pages to even think about her daughter, who gets literally five sentences of mentioning. It’s like Renesmee is a new iPod rather than a baby. Bella would rather brush her hair and gaze into the mirror and make out with boys than worry about her daughter.

But back to that dust thing.


“I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance. The dust was so beautiful that I inhaled in shock; the air whistled down my throat, swirling the motes into a vortex.”


Bella tries breathing, only to discover that she doesn’t really need to breathe, but it feel good so she does it anyway. She can hear rap music from the highway and smell the breath of everyone around her. Of course, it’s the most fantastic smell ever.


“I heard the sound of the others, breathing again now that I did. Their breath mixed with the scent that was something just off honey and lilac and sunshine, bringing new flavors. Cinnamon, hyacinth, pear, seawater, rising bread, pine, vanilla, leather, apple, moss, lavender, chocolate.… I traded a dozen different comparisons in my mind, but none of them fit exactly. So sweet and pleasant.”


If the rest of the book is narrated like this, I’m going to have to kill myself. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Bella realizes that someone is holding her hand, but it’s the wrong temperature to be a vampire. Duh, Bella, you’re ice-cold now too. She does this cool backflip thing off the table, crouching against the wall in 1/16 of a second, proving that reality and all its trappings have no place in Meyerland. (+1 Stupidity)