Posts Tagged ‘Holy Plot-Device’

What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4

 

We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.

 

 

“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”

 

 

Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
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What this chapter should be called: Bella Swan and the Case of the Obvious Plot Twist
Fucks I give: -3
Chapters I have left: 10

 

The first sentence of this chapter could have been the last sentence of this book, and I would have been okay with it.

 

“We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back.”

 

Yet, sadly, there are still many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The gist of this chapter is that Alice and Jasper ran away. It vaguely reminds me of when Snape killed Dumbledore and we all thought he was an evil guy. But us cool people knew that Snape was only acting evil, and was a good guy all along.

I think that might be the case here. Alice and Jasper have abandoned the Cullens (not that this is really a major loss. I think the Cullens will get by fine without Alice’s dumb predictions and Jasper’s talent at moving sideways.) to die by the Volturi’s hand. I’d bet, maybe not my soul, but a couple fingers and my leg hair, that Alice is taking on the Snape role here. She and Jasper look like cowardly cowards who cower now, but I think at the crucial moment, they’ll be back, toting along not-Juan the half-vampire expert to save the day.

Whatever. Back to the story. It’s two hours later and no one has moved.

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What this chapter should be called: Totally and completely expected
Fucks I give: 2

Well, I went in to this chapter expecting Bella to find out she got knocked up. What I didn’t expect was the amount of bad writing I’d have to endure in order to get to that point. We start out with Bella having one of her nightmares. The Volturi are advancing upon her, and she needs to protect the little kid, blah blah blah. She then wakes with a start.

 

“I jolted upright, shocked out of the dream. The room was black. It was also steamy hot. Sweat matted my hair at the temples and rolled down my throat. I groped the warm sheets and found them empty.”

 

Edward has ventured off to the mainland to slaughter some tasty jungle critters, but don’t worry, he’ll be back later. Bella decides that nightmares are scary and it’s too hot to sleep, so she better go and make some fried chicken. That totally makes sense. When I feel hot, the first thing I want to do is stand over a sizzling frying pan, splattering my arms with grease and then chowing down on some piping hot fatty poultry at 4 AM. (+1 Stupidity)

Whatever. She fries up some chicken and takes a couple bites, but it tastes off, so she throws it all away. She then decides to settle back down for a nice 1 AM nap, conclusively ending five totally pointless paragraphs.
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What this chapter should be called: Bella wuz here
Edward creep-o-meter: 5

* Here’s the next chapter a little early to make up for stiffing you last week. *
Alright, so we’re back to your regularly scheduled pudding for this week. (Sorry. Rhyming everything really is fucking hard.) Bella is getting dressed (thrilling, huh?) and trying very hard not to think about marriage.

She is no longer wearing her engagement ring because of this. Or maybe the ring is just impossible to detect with the naked eye.

 

“Though I’d given back the hand-me-down ring as soon as I could do it without hurting his feelings, my left hand felt heavier, like it was still in place, just invisible.”

 

Pesky invisible rings. Those things are never worth the money. I’ve bought, like, three, and they keep getting lost in the pool.

 

“This shouldn’t bother me, I reasoned. It was no big thing — a road trip to Vegas. I would go one better than old jeans — I would wear old sweats. The ceremony certainly couldn’t take very long; no more than fifteen minutes at the most, right? So I could handle that.”

 

Bella reminds us for the 15th time that weddings are really just not her cup of tea, so she’ll just have a shotgun wedding in Vegas. That way, she can wear her sweatpants with words on the ass, and when the Justice of Peace tells them to kiss, they can just fist-bump instead. Also, she’ll probably ditch her shirt, because that’s just too formal. She’s leaning towards a bikini top, or maybe just some tasteful pasties. Good Lord. As we all know, this whole marriage conundrum is entirely Bella’s self-created problem, so I don’t feel to bad for her. (+1 Bitch)
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What this chapter should be called: Vampire/Werewolf team-up, please happen already.
Edward creep-o-meter: 4
It’s like the deeper I get into this book, the more hellish it becomes. Ah, well. No use whining. Anyway, this chapter is mostly full of Jasper’s backstory and incredibly contrived tension. Exciting stuff, I’m sure.

So we jump straight into Jasper’s origin story. First, Jasper shows off his metric fuckton of scars, saying that vampire venom is the only thing that leaves a mark. (Wait, so werewolves don’t? I’m so confused.) It’s not really necessary, but Meyer apparently had nothing else to stuff a chapter with, so an origin story it is. It really doesn’t start out as much of a story, as Jasper is just prattling on about vampire culture and whatnot.

 

“To really understand why, you have to look at the world from a different perspective. You have to imagine the way it looks to the powerful, the greedy . . . the perpetually thirsty. You see, there are places in this world that are more desirable to us than others. Places where we can be less restrained, and still avoid detection. Picture, for instance, a map of the western hemisphere. Picture on it every human life as a small red dot. The thicker the red, the more easily we — well, those who exist this way — can feed without attracting notice.”

 

Bella does this cute shuddering thing at the word “feed” which is really stupid considering she’s going to be a friggin’ vampire in less than a month. But then again, Bella probably shudders at the words “asparagus” and “sunshine” so it’s possible I’m overreacting a little. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper starts to talk about the south, which is kind of like a vampire wild west. Southern vampires are known for their ability to not give a flying fuck; instead of eating deer and being all civilized like good Northern vampires, they are constantly at war with each other. No sir, in the south, it’s just one big melee battle over who gets the territory with the most delicious humans. (So far, this sounds pretty awesome. Maybe I should give Jasper a chance.) Oh, and the only reason that the southern vampires don’t swarm all over the place is because the Volturi keep them in check. Uh, what? How does the Volturi keep the southern masses down when they have, like, six people? (+1 Stupidity)
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What this chapter should be called: The consequences of trying to think for yourself.

Bella like-o-meter: 3

 

Whoof. I have seriously been slacking on my reading, mostly because it’s my winter break and I’ve been too busy playing Call of Duty to give a fuck about New Moon. After having a panic attack last Saturday when I realized that a few rogue sparklebeasts had eaten my most recent review, I’ve decided to get back on top of things. What better way to break a CoD addiction than a heaping dose of bullshit, right?

The first sentence of this chapter is literally, “Jacob didn’t call back.” Oh noes! Now Bella will have to learn to function on her own! Bella starts pestering the shit out of Billy, to the point where he won’t even answer her calls anymore. She decides to head down there one day, but the house is empty. Ummm, how does she know this? Did she forcibly search their entire house? Did she even pause to consider that maybe they just didn’t answer the door? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

“This frightened me—was Jacob so sick that he’d needed to go to the hospital? I stopped by the hospital on the way back home, but the nurse at the front desk told me neither Jacob or Billy had been in.”

 

Okay. Does the Patient Confidentiality Clause not exist in Forks? The nurse seriously just told this random, zombie-looking girl who has and hasn’t checked in? (+1 Stupidity) Then again, last book the illustrious FHS handed over Bella’s records to a crazy ginger hippie lady, so maybe I shouldn’t expect too much.

Bella can’t take any more separation from her emotional drug best friend, so she makes Charlie call up his friend Harry on the rez. Bella listens in on Charlie’s conversation (How incredibly polite! (+1 Bitch) and briefly mentions that Harry’s been in the hospital to get his heart checked out. Given Bella’s previous empathy for mortals, I’m surprised she even noticed. (+1 Stupidity) Since it’s an obvious point of the conversation, I’ll bet you $20 that it’ll be a major plot device down the road.

 

“Harry says there’s been some trouble with the phone lines, and that’s why you haven’t been able to get through. Billy took Jake to the doc down there, and it looks like he has mono. He’s real tired, and Billy said no visitors,” he reported.

 

Bella starts to pitch a fit, and Charlie politely tells her to STFU and stay away from La Push for a few days. Meyer then pulls out her ice pick nicknamed “The Sympath-Inator” and promptly tries to jam it in my skull.

 

“I didn’t push it. Charlie was too worried about Harry. That was clearly the more important issue—it wouldn’t be right to bug him with my lesser concerns.”

 

See? See!?!?! Bella is a nice likeable character I PROMISE!!!! (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer needs to nail down some goddamn consistency in this book. Namely, Bella’s personality. You can’t have her swinging back and forth to the extremes on the emotional spectrum while telling your readers that your character has a stable set of personality traits. I’m not saying that a character’s emotional range has to be the size of a teaspoon, because it shouldn’t. However, Bella can’t go from a emo angst factory to a manipulative bitch to a “sympathetic” kind-hearted person in the range of a few chapters. As the reader, such dramatic changes occurring so often prevent me from truly being able to understand Bella as a character. (+1 Stupidity)

Twihards everywhere say that they like Bella because “they can relate to her.” Would anyone care to explain to me how? Bella needs some serious character development. I was hoping that Edward’s absence in this book would give Meyer the much-needed chance to build on Bella’s personality. She hasn’t, and that pisses me off more than anything. Hell, she didn’t even do bother to lay down so much as a foundation for the character in the expository chapters of the first book. How am I supposed to give a damn about a character I know virtually nothing about? (+1 Stupidity)

I’m getting off topic here. Bella heads upstairs to Google, “werewolf mono” to see if that’s what it is that Jake could have. Personally, I don’t understand why Bella is making such a fuss, because she really doesn’t have any reason to suspect that Jake is hitting werewolf puberty. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“All I knew about mono was that you were supposed to get it from kissing, which was clearly not the case with Jake.”

 

Because Bella-Sue is more knowledgeable than most doctors, she quickly deduces (thanks to WebMD) that Jake can’t possibly have mono, because he hasn’t been kissing anyone lately.

First off, kissing people is not the only way to get mono. You can contract mono from any contact with saliva, including sharing pillows, straws, toothbrushes, drinking out of the same cup, etc. Hell, maybe Jake took a sip out of one of the Quilbry’s water bottles and picked up the cold that jump-starts werewolf puberty. (+1 Stupidity)

Second, Jake hasn’t been kissing anyone – that Bella knows about, anyway. Maybe the Quilbry are a little more than just friends, if you catch my drift. (+1 Stupidity)

Here’s another thought! He just could have been kissing girls! I mean seriously! He is, according to all evidence, an attractive sixteen-year-old boy who is nice, considerate, caring, reliable, and generally a good dude. Does it honestly never cross Bella’s mind that he might have kissed someone in the past? Mono can take a while to flare up once you get the virus, so if he was kissing girls before he met Bella and fell in luv with her because she is so ~*wonderful*~, this mono could be from one of them.

We KNOW that Bella is a master of unnecessary Googling (see Twilight’s whole debacle about finding out stuff about the Cold Ones or whatever), she should have been able to figure this out. Which leaves me only one, terrifying conclusion: Bella thinks she is smart. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella decides to wait a week before she gets, “pushy.”

 

“A week was generous. A week was long. By Wednesday, I was sure I wasn’t going to live till Saturday.”

 

Oh, how hard! (+1 Angst)

 

“Without Jacob, and my adrenaline and my distractions, everything I’d been repressing started creeping up on me. The dreams got hard again. I could no longer see the end coming. Just the horrible nothingness—half the time in the forest, half the time in the empty fern sea where the white house no longer existed.”

 

Bella has her horrible nightmares, which Charlie dutifully ignores. The metaphorical hole in her chest gets worse (maybe it’s infected) and mother of God descriptions of it just keep coming up.

 

“The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I’d thought that I’d been getting it under control, but I found myself hunched over, day after day, clutching my sides together and gasping for air.”

 

Jesus rollerblading Christ. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) I’m getting so tired of these dumb, melodramatic descriptions of how much Bella is hurting.  The metaphorical hole is just so bad that she literally ends up holding herself in pain. What the hell. This book is so freaking stupid.

 

“I wasn’t handling alone well.”

Bella angsts around until Saturday, at which point she decides to try calling Jacob. Surprise, surprise, Billy picks up on the second ring. Jake is all better, turns out it wasn’t mono after all, and he’s out with some friends so just stay in your wolf-free home and don’t come over. Kay. Bye.

 

“Jacob was better, but not well enough to call me. He was out with friends. I was sitting home, missing him more every hour. I was lonely, worried, bored… perforated—and now also desolate as I realized that the week apart had not had the same effect on him.”

 

Perforated? So Bella is pierced by a hole or number of holes? Really? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) I think in addition to the “Edward’s Eyes Dictionary” from book 1, we can also have the “Bella’s Angst Thesaurus.”

So Bella immediately assumes that this is about her, and that Jake has just given up on her poor, broken, tragic soul. Charlie pretends to care for a few paragraphs. Bella pulls some lies out of her ass so that he won’t be worried. She decides that studying calculus with Jessica is a sufficient cover story, which Charlie eats right up.

 

“That’s a good idea. You’ve been spending so much time with Jacob, your other friends are going to think you’ve forgotten them.” I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.”

 

And Bella wonders why everyone tries to ignore her. (+1 Bitch)

Charlie warns her to stay out of the woods, because of the werebearmegawolf that people have been seeing lately. And, y’know, don’t get eaten or anything.

Then Bella says, “Fuck that, I LOVE  wandering around the woods aimlessly!” and decides that she’s going to go find her meadow (which I’ve decided to dub the “sparkle meadow”) on her own. Meyer makes sure to slip in the obligatory remorse before Bella sets off to do her thing.

 

“I felt a brief twinge of guilt as I realized how Charlie would feel about this, but I ignored it. I just couldn’t stay in the house again today.”

 

OMG Bella would never do something like this but she has no choice DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!?! (+1 Stupidity)

There’s some incredibly painful filler about Bella hiking and just whining  about how hard it is to function on your own. God, this book is so full of SHIT!

 

“I knew it was just because I was alone, missing Jacob’s carefree whistle and the sound of another pair of feet squishing across the damp ground. The sense of unease grew stronger the deeper I got into the trees. Breathing started to get more difficult—not because of exertion, but because I was having trouble with the stupid hole in my chest again. I kept my arms tight around my torso and tried to banish the ache from my thoughts. I almost turned around, but I hated to waste the effort I’d already expended.”

 

Son of a gun, I hate Meyer so much! Here, let me show you some crap from the Twilight wiki:

 

“Having learned to take care of her mother over the years, Bella had developed into a very mature person, especially for her age.”

 

Every fucking description of Bella that I could FIND  online described her as “kind”, “compassionate”, “mature”, and my FUCKING FAVORITE, “independent!” GOD!

How is this bitch KIND when she BELITTLES ALL HER “FRIENDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS? COMPASSIONATE? Hey, guess what, Meyer, I saw an ugly hobo today and didn’t laugh DOES THAT MAKE ME COMPASSIONATE TOO? (+1 Stupidity)

And independent? This girl can’t tie her FUCKING SHOES WITHOUT A MAN IN HER LIFE! You wanna know independent, people?! Well, guess fucking what, my own MOTHER was paying the fucking electricity bill by the time she was 11! THAT’S INDEPENDENT! You know what? HALF THE TIME, I COOK MY OWN MEALS, DO MY OWN LAUNDRY, AND GET MY OWN ASS WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE! THAT’S INDEPENDENT!

THIS GIRL NEEDS A MAN TO DO EVERYTHING FOR HER! STOP LYING AND TELLING ME SHE’S INDEPENDENT, BECAUSE SHE’S NOT! (+1 Stupidity)

SCREW THIS, I’M GONNA GO PLAY XBOX.

 

*2 hours later*

I’m really sorry about the mini rage-quit I just pulled, but sometime this book just makes me so angry. I’m sure you understand.

Bella finally finds the meadow. However, it’s not like she remembered.

 

“It was the same place… but it didn’t hold what I had been searching for. The disappointment was nearly as instantaneous as the recognition. I sank down right where I was, kneeling there at the edge of the clearing, beginning to gasp.”

 

Some subconscious part of Bella was hoping that she would find Edward there, but she didn’t, so Meyer ladles on the fucksauce and Bella starts to drown in her own angst.

 

“What was the point of going any farther? Nothing lingered here. Nothing more than the memories that I could have called back whenever I wanted to, if I was ever willing to endure the corresponding pain—the pain that had me now, had me cold. There was nothing special about this place without him. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d hoped to feel here, but the meadow was empty of atmosphere, empty of everything, just like everywhere else.”

 

My eyes are rolling so hard I’m afraid they’re going to pop out of my skull. (+1 Angst)

So Bella falls down, curls into the fetal position, and bawls. The sparkle meadow is empty, just like her heart! She starts to “shatter into pieces”, poor thing. (+1 Angst) I swear, there is more melodrama in this chapter alone than there is on three episodes of Maury. God, I wish Bella would just get into drugs or something.

BUT WAIT! A figure steps out of the forest and sees her! He’s a vampire! OMG is it Edward?!?!

 

“Laurent!” I cried in surprised pleasure.”

 

If you’re still playing our drinking game from book one, I would say that this phrase is worth a double shot.

So, it’s Laurent. Yeah, the same guy who tattled on James back during the eight hastily written chapters of something that might pass for plot in Twilight? That guy. Last we heard of him, he had headed up to Alaska to live a peaceful unlife of eating cute bunnies and kitties instead of people.

Bella, for some reason, is happy to see him. Why, I can’t imagine. (+1 Stupidity)

 

Laurent: Oh, hey, it’s the girl my buddy tried to kill! Oh, and look, she’s all alone. Maybe now would be a great time to get revenge for the fact that those “vegetarian” jackasses ripped my friend’s FREAKING HEAD OFF.

Bella: Oh, I’m positive he’s not going to kill me. I am a Mary-Sue, after all.

 

So, I’m just certain that someone who thinks he’s Bella’s boyfriend is not going to wolf out and save her. That’s what you get for making your own decisions, Bella!

 

“I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn’t expect… When I found the Cullen place empty, I thought they’d moved on.” “Oh.” I bit my lip as the name set the raw edges of my wound throbbing.”

 

She means the metaphorical hole in her chest, guys. He hasn’t bitten her or anything yet, so don’t get excited.

 

“It took me a second to compose myself. Laurent waited with curious eyes. “They did move on,” I finally managed to tell him. “Hmm,” he murmured.”

 

As opposed to what? Shouted? Has “hmmm” ever been anything but murmured? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I’m surprised they left you behind. Weren’t you sort of a pet of theirs?” His eyes were innocent of any intended offense.”

 

Ha, I’d forgotten why I liked Laurent so much. Humans don’t have feelings, they’re more like cattle!

They keep up with the small talk, and Bella realizes that his eyes are red, not gold like good vampires. Late to the thinking party, she realizes that Laurent has been eating people. Like vampires are supposed to. Too bad! I hope you die.

Ironically enough, this causes a psychotic ed-isode to start up. Glitterdick helpfully orders Bella through the encounter (not). The small talk continues, and is almost borderline monologue. This is edge-of-your-seat stuff here, folks. I wish he would just hurry up and kill her already.

 

“Did Victoria ever find you?” I asked, breathless, desperate to distract him.”

 

Laurent’s all, “Yeah, I’m here on a favor for her, but she’s gonna be really pissed when she finds out I’ve killed you.” So yes, now we’re monologuing.

Laurent tells Bella that, ye, he is going to kill her, in a voice that Bella describes as “seductive.” Really. Is there some sort of fetish for people telling you they’re going to kill you?

The monologue continues, and apparently Victoria is still pretty miffed that “your Edward killed him.” [James]
 Uh, as I recall, it was Jasper and Emmett who truly did the deed, but the current plot demands that Edward killed James, so okay. (+ 1 Stupidity) According to Victoria’s logic, she can just kill Bella and everything will be good and fair again. All the mentioning of dear Sparklepeen has “torn” Bella’s metaphorical wound, so it’s really too bad that Laurent can’t smell metaphorical blood.

 

“He frowned. “I suppose she’ll be angry, all the same.” “Then why not wait for her?” I choked out. A mischievous grin rearranged his features. “Well, you’ve caught me at a bad time, Bella. I didn’t come to this place on Victoria’s mission—I was hunting. I’m quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering.”

 

Wait, hunting what? I thought he was eating people? Why is he out in the middle of a forest instead of by a well-used trail or campsite? Why am I still so surprised I’ve found a plot hole? (+1 Stupidity)

I keep finding myself trying to imagine what Bella smells like. Even though Edward has compared it to flowers, I can’t imagine why you would want to eat flowers. For her to smell like something I’d want to eat, she’d have to smell like frying bacon or something. Mmmm.

Laurent keeps monologuing, and more annoyingly, not killing Bella. Meanwhile, Bella’s experiencing a massive psychotic Ed-isode, which orders her around some more and is generally useless.

Bella tries begging for her life, and arguing with him, and Laurent continues to not eat her. Ugh, would something happen already, it’s been like, five pages.

Suddenly, werewolves!

 

“Then I saw it; a huge black shape eased out of the trees, quiet as a shadow, and stalked deliberately toward the vampire. It was enormous—as tall as a horse, but thicker, much more muscular. The long muzzle grimaced, revealing a line of dagger-like incisors. A grisly snarl rolled out from between the teeth, rumbling across the clearing like a prolonged crack of thunder.”

 

Oh, thesaurus, you poor thing. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

So these wolves just sort of stroll into the meadow. I’m guessing that Laurent has unwittingly stumbled into werewolf country, and this thing between vamps and wolves is somewhat akin to a gang war. More wolves strut in and form a V formation like geese. If they had thumbs, I imagine they would be snapping.

Laurent has the, “oh, shit” moment of the year, and makes a break for it. Bella is just shocked that he would run away from at least 5 wolves the size of Volkswagens. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella remarks that a russet-colored wolf who ran by her looked remarkably intelligent, and I’m just positive that it wasn’t anyone we know.

Anyway, the sparkle meadow is empty now, and Bella just collapses to the ground and sits there like a moron. Suddenly, something clicks in her brain, and then, like a white woman in a horror movie, she runs screaming and crying back to her car, falling down every few minutes. When she finally reaches her truck, I’m dismayed that it starts immediately. That is not part of the cliché, Stephenie! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella comes home, freaked, then lies some more to her father about where she was. (+1 Bitch) Charlie is understandably pissed, but Bella escapes all punishment because she’s a perfect little Sue. She tells him that she saw the bear, which is in fact not a bear, but some enormous wolves.

 

“Wolves,” he murmured. “What?” “The rangers said the tracks were wrong for a bear—but wolves just don’t get that big…”
 “These were huge.”

 

All right, so the tracks looked like wolf tracks, but were just too big, so everyone assumed it was a bear. Right. Okay. So which is more likely, a really big wolf or a bear with wolf legs? Forks is populated by idiots. (+1 Stupidity)

Fuck, this is like Occam’s razor, only better. “When you see giant wolf tracks, assume giant wolves, not bears with wolf legs. You moron.”

Totally unrelated, but if any of you guys start and indie band, “Bear with Wolf Legs” would be an amazing band name.

Just to drive the point home, even though it’s like hunting bunny rabbits with nuclear warheads, Wolf tracks look like this. Bear tracks look like this. Do those even look close to alike? Come on, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

By the way, Charlie saw Jacob down on the rez, and apparently he’s grown another half foot. That’s not odd at all. Bella goes to bed, terrified that Victoria is going to come and kill her during the night.

 

“Laurent’s words repeated in my head. If you knew what she had planned for you …
I pressed my fist against my mouth to keep from screaming.
”

 

Did Victoria even have any lines in Twilight?

*checks Twilight reviews*

Nope. Not a single word. She just hovered around behind the two men and looked crazy. That’s pretty much it. Wow.

Well, whenever Victoria shows up, I hope she’s more interesting than James was.

Chapter Count:

Stupidity: +20 (book record!)

Angst: +3

Bitch: +3

Thesaurus Rape: +4

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +117

Angst: +25

Bitch: +22

Thesaurus Rape: +23

Cream Count: +4

Red Flag: +13

Redemption: +2


What this chapter should be called: A guide to telling if your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche.

Edward creep-o-meter: 11.

 

I really thought chapter 13 was the worst chapter of this book. But then I read this one.

The chapter opens with Edward driving, and it turns out that our super special Meyerpire is a pro at driving normally as well as at breakneck speeds.

 

“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane.”

 

What, is Bella leaning out the window with a measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) That would be kind of awkward. And is there really anything Edward can’t do perfectly? Hell, I bet on their way home, he foiled Lex Luthor’s nefarious plans, performed open-heart surgery with only a pair of rusty tweezers and a pasta strainer, rescued a kitten from a tree, destroyed a horcrux, and still had time to help a little old lady across the street.

 

Sign number 1 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He acts dangerously, even after you state your anxiety. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.”

 

Um, shouldn’t the sun be causing him to sparkle, completely fucking his cover as an average high school student? Holy plot hole, Batman! (+1 Stupidity) Also, staring into the sun while driving is generally not the best idea.

Edward turns on the radio, and since he’s so sophisticated and classy, he listens to 50’s music. And what, exactly, is 50’s music? All music produced in the 50’s was not the same type. You can’t just say you like the music of a certain decade and expect the other person to understand exactly what you’re talking about. Can you be any more vague, Meyer? Would it really have been so hard to spend 5 minutes on Wikipedia looking up a few band names and genres and at least pretend like you’ve done research? I mean, I know Meyer has some personal hatred towards research, but is it really that hard to use Google? (+1 Stupidity)

Damn, I’m only three paragraphs in and already the stupidity points are falling fast and hard.

 

Sign number 2 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He’s into jailbait. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.
 “Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded.”

 

My first response to this was, “WTF, buoyant? Does his humor float?” See, this thing is a common mistake among amateur authors. They stick in exotic words that don’t fit in context with the rest of the sentence to just to make it look good. It’s not impressive, it just makes you look like an idiot. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Bella further prods on the subject of age.

 

“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.”

 

And as he looks-

OH MY FUCKING GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE! (+1 Stupidity)

It turns out Edward is about 117 years old. That’s not just old, that’s Bilbo Baggins old. Meyer feels the need to continually have Edward look at the sun. Could that be… symbolism?

And then…oh my God, we actually get a backstory! We’re about halfway through the book at this point, and just now we get a backstory! Good writing FTW! (+1 Stupidity)

Then again, knowing Meyer, Edward’s backstory will probably be about as stable as a drunken frat boy on roller skates.

To summarize, Edward was born in 1901, and fell ill of the Spanish influenza in 1918. At age 17, Carlisle turned him into a vampire. My immediate questions are why did he turn an influenza patient and why Edward in particular? Clearly it wasn’t out of compassion for suffering people, or else he would have done it on more than one person during the epidemic.  Personally, I would much rather die than be turned into an immortal blood drinker and have to go to high school for eternity, so I’m not really sure Carlisle was doing Edward a favor there.

“He acted from loneliness. That’s usually the reason behind the choice.”

So, we’ve already established that Carlisle didn’t act from compassion, but when choosing a companion, he chooses a 17 year old boy? Umm…ho yay?

 

“But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us … I don’t think you could find his equal throughout all of history.”

 

Okay, I get the dude saved your life and all, but no equal throughout all of history? Really?

 

“I was the first in Carlisle’s family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff.

They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating.”

 

Oh, Meyer, how do I put this gently?

THEY DO NOT PUT PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE STRAIGHT IN THE MORGUE, YOU STUPID BITCH! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella asks if you need to be dying to be transformed.

 

“No, that’s just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice.”

 

Except they all did have another choice, which was dying. And not to mention the fact that they were all changed without any sort of consent. So given what we know, how compassionate is Carlisle really? He works as a doctor, that’s a plus, but that doesn’t make him better than all the other doctors in the world. He uses his vampirism to selectively turn dying people for the sole purpose of making his own family. Nice for the people he turned, though even a dying person may object to being made undead without having any say in the matter. In particular, someone of strong religious leanings may be a bit distressed at becoming a spawn of Satan, even if it did save him from death. In fact, that might even piss the person off more, being denied a chance at Heaven in order to become an unholy creature of the night who will most certainly go to Hell.

The present day finds Carlisle with more money than God and living it up in an estate while working as a small town doctor. Does he donate a portion of his riches to charity? Does he use his accumulated knowledge and experience to do research into new medical advances that may save lives? No, he buys a private island, but he doesn’t build schools or hospitals in the developing world.

While I’m not saying that Carlisle is a bad person, he’s most definitely NOT the most compassionate person that’s ever been.

Next in the family was Rosalie.

 

“Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn’t realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him — he was careful with his thoughts around me.”

 

Gee, am I the only one sensing a pattern here?

Anyway, Rosalie then found Emmett in Appalachia, while he was being mauled by a bear. Edward makes a big deal about Rosalie carrying Emmett 100 miles to Carlisle to be turned as if it were the most arduous journey of her life. Normally, I would find such a thing impressive, but there is one little thing that saps the drama out of this story.

SHE’S A FUCKING MEYERPIRE! She’s nigh indestructible, has super strength and super speed, and doesn’t get tired or fatigued. Boo fucking hoo. Also, why did she move a critically injured body over 100 miles? Why didn’t she take him to the nearest hospital, where doctors could at least have a chance to stabilize him? She could have left him in their care and then called Carlisle to have him come to her. This story makes absolutely no sense! (+1 Stupidity)

Bella begins to tear up, not because she’s incredibly touched by the story, but rather more concerned with, “the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Thank God I haven’t eaten recently, or else I’d be wiping vomit off my keyboard…again. (+1 Cream Count)

Edward notes that sometime they live separately, as husband and wife, but not now since they’ve enrolled in high school, a idea that I have proven as incredibly stupid.

 

Sign number 3 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He is a 117 year old creeper who hangs around high schools. (+1 Red Flag)

 

Who exactly are they putting on this show for, anyway? They don’t have any friends outside of themselves, they’re not very involved with the community, and they pretty much keep to themselves. Edward says that Forks was “perfect,” but if they wanted to live incognito a small town isn’t the best choice. They’d be better off in a major city where it’s easy to disappear into the crowd. If they want to be really hardcore, there are PLENTY of places in the USA one can disappear into. Small communities where your nearest neighbor is miles away. There are any number of areas they could have chosen where they could do pretty much whatever they wanted and either nobody would give a fuck or there’d be no one around to notice. Sheesh. Go live in a log cabin or something.

Here’s a map of the population density of the USA. Are you telling me that there is NOWHERE that they can set up a stable residence and maintain their privacy without the need for fake weddings and such? Carlisle put about as much thought into his choice of location as Meyer did into this book. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward moves onto the topic of Alice and Jasper, giving Alice much more focus than Jasper.

 

“Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.”

 

Nice one, Meyer. I see what you did there. The atheists must be evil without a man in the sky telling them what to do. Insert witty Mormon joke here.

It appears Alice has a gift of her very own.

 

“That’s true. She knows other things. She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming.

But it’s very subjective. The future isn’t set in stone. Things change.”

 

Well, that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it? By these rules, Alice can do no wrong. If she’s right, she gets the credit, and if she’s wrong, no biggie, the future’s subjective. Now that Meyer’s put this in place, Alice can basically be used whenever it’s convenient to the plot, and no one can question her since there’s no concrete rules that her power follows. Holy plot device, Batman!

The rest of the section is as miserably boring as an encyclopedia entry. For all you budding writers out there, there’s a difference between world-building and smashing the reader repeatedly into giant walls of text.

So far, this whole chapter has just been Meyer taking a huge steaming infodump all over the reader. Because, you know, having a character explain the backstory of every other character is a LOT more interesting than learning about said characters through scenes or having them explain their origins themselves. It’s also far better to deluge the readers with background info all at once rather than progressively learn these things about the characters by (gasp!) INTERACTING with them. Why, imagine how much easier it would have been if Dumbledore just told Harry (Spoiler, but if you haven’t read that book by now, you’re probably living under a rock somewhere and therefore don’t have internet, so.) he was the last horcrux, or if Uncle Ben just told Luke that Darth Vader was his father, Or Professor X just told Cyclops why Magneto was so fucked up. How effortless and boring!

They finally arrive at Bella’s house, and Edward explains more why they chose to live in Forks.

 

“Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?” he teased. “Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There’s a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It’s nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn’t believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years.”

 

Oh, where to begin?

First off, the Olympic Peninsula is not one of the most sunless places in the world. America, maybe, but not the world.

And there’s another issue I have with the sparkling. Meyer does realize that there is still sunlight, even on cloudy days? Otherwise it would be dark as night, which it obviously is not. Hell, the Meyerpires should technically sparkle when exposed to indoor lighting too. I know Twitards are tired of hearing criticism about the sparkling, but it really makes no sense on any level. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward spells out a bit more of Alice’s SuPer MySteRiOuS past for us. You know what would be interesting? If Alice actually told us this.

Before Edward can reveal that Soylent Green is people, Rosebud is the sled, and the man on the floor was really Jigsaw, Bella’s stomach growls, which is apparently a cause for embarrassment in Meyerland.

Edward says he should probably leave, but Bella says she wants to stay with him.

 

“I want to stay with you.” It was easier to say in the darkness, knowing as I spoke how my voice would betray me, my hopeless addiction to him.
”

 

One shot, plus a penalty shot if you’ve already forgotten about our little game. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.”

 

Will you give it a rest already?!? Meyer, your readers are not goldfish. They are not going to forget what you described a page ago without constant reminders. You’ve already established that he’s physically attractive, at least to Bella. Now would you kindly establish how beautiful he might be in other ways, or is physical beauty the only type that you equate with love? (+1 Cream Count)

Edward pretty much invites himself in, walks out, and opens up the truck’s door for her. Of course, he was using his amazing Meyerpire speed, so it was more like he teleported. You know what? It would be really funny if he tripped while moving at hyper speed. He proceeds to open the house door.

 

“He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
 “The door was unlocked?”
 “No, I used the key from under the eave.”

 

Sign number 4 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He knows how to break into your house and does so frequently. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“I was curious about you.”
 “You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
 He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?”

WHAT THE FUCK?

………..

………………………*stares openmouthed at book*

She…was…flattered?

Well, there you have it, she was not creeped out at all she was flattered I WISH I WAS READING AN ACTUAL BOOK INSTEAD OF A PDF SO I COULD SET IT ON FIRE.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING GIRL FUCKING THINKING? FLATTERED? FLATTERED? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?

FUCK!

Deep calming breaths…

I mean, I’m sorry about the liberal dropping of the F-bomb, but really? This girl is so dense she has no problem with someone breaking into her house? This is just so monumentally idiotic, I just…I need some time to think. *retreats to happy corner*

 

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Okay, I’m good, I’m good.

 

Edward’s behavior is totally unacceptable. I’m sure the issue of how to spend one’s night hours is such a problem for people everywhere, and we all agree that stalking unsuspecting girls who are much younger than you is the only answer (sarcasm). That he makes light of his actions shows what kind of moral character he has. Stalking a person, spying on her, invading her privacy, watching her without her knowledge or consent, is a JOKE to Edward. A JOKE!

A criminal who feels remorse for his actions at least has some decency in him. His actions are still wrong, and he still deserves whatever punishment he gets, but at least there is some glimmer of hope for that person. A criminal who shows no remorse, who thinks of it as a joke, a game, and would do it again without a second thought, is beyond hope. Beyond redemption. He is a monster.

Edward’s attitude is disturbing for exactly that reason. It’s not just that he’s stalking Bella, it’s how he views it. He treats it as if it’s no big deal, as if it’s his right to break into her house and spy on her. That attitude is more dangerous than the actual stalking, and is a sign that Edward is not entirely sane. (+2 Red Flag, I just can’t get over this.)

And Bella just shakes it off. No. Just no. This is not a thing we just let go. This is a think where you grab the nearest blunt object and beat him repeatedly over the head with it.

Edward makes his way to the kitchen, where his beauty, “lit up” the whole place. (gag) Bella asks a very valid question.

 

Sign number 5 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He watches you sleep. Every night. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“How often?” I asked casually.
 “Hmmm?” He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of thought.
 I still didn’t turn around. “How often did you come here?”
 “I come here almost every night.”
 I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
 “You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”

 

This is so creepy I don’t know what to say. Imagine this: Picture yourself in a house late at night. You were hired to watch a neighbor’s kid and are just waiting for her to get back when the phone rings.

 

You: Hi, the Smiths aren’t in right now. Can I take a message?

Glittery Stalker: You’re interesting when you sleep. You talk.

 

He then informs you, that yes, he does know what you did last summer.

No matter how you slice it, Edward’s words are creepy, disturbing, and just plain wrong. Don’t even try to tell me that all the, “twu wuv” crap justify his actions. The dude breaks into HER FUCKING HOUSE! He has NO right at ALL to do this. It’s not only Bella’s privacy he’s invading, it’s also Charlie’s, and seeing how Charlie is a cop, I can imagine this would not sit well with him at all.

I mean, how would YOU feel if you learned that someone had not only broken into your house, but has been stalking your only daughter; spying on her without her knowledge or consent! Tell me, Twi-moms, would you really be okay with that? Would you be perfectly fine with that happening to your children? If your answer is no, then why praise a book that romanticizes such behavior? If your answer is yes, then you are unfit to call yourself a parent.

 

“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for
 support.”

 

Take as shot.

There, Bella! Are you finally realizing what kind of sicko you’re dealing with? Run, tell him to leave, do something! Get the hell away from that nutjob!

 

“I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.”

 

*stares blankly*

What?

Am I reading this right? Not even Bella fucking Swan can be this stupid. I’m sure the outrage over the stalking is imminent.

 

“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.”

 

He said the magic word!

 

“Are you very angry with me?”

”That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.
”

 

Yeah, Bella! Tell him how big of an asshole he is!

 

“On?” he urged.
 “What you heard!” I wailed.

………………………

*jaw drops*

ERROR: THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

 

PRESS ANY KEY TO TERMINATE APPLICATION.

 

PRESS CTL+ALT+DEL TO REBOOT YOUR REVIEWS. YOU WILL LOSE ANY UNSAVED SNARK IN THE PROCESS.

Welcome to Twilight Reviewer 5. Loading OS.

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Restoring application to last restore point.

Reboot complete. Have a nice day.

… … … … … … … …

WHAT THE HELL?

 

How do I begin to express my complete and utter disgust at her reaction? She just learned that a guy broke into her house multiple times, watched her sleep, and completely invaded her privacy, yet her biggest concern is that she talks in her sleep. My Lord, one stupidity point just isn’t enough. Two won’t properly convey my feelings. So I give you a first in the history of this blog. (+3 Stupidity)

This isn’t just stupid, this is Darwin Award stupid.

 

“Don’t be upset!” he pleaded. He dropped his face to the level of my eyes, holding my gaze. I was
embarrassed. I tried to look away.
”

 

Just take shot.

Has anyone else noticed that Bella’s emotional range, on any given day, seems to go from bitchy irritation at people being nice to her to total embarrassment at the slightest provocation?

Edward tells Bella some of the stuff he heard her say in her sleep, about how she misses her mother (which, as I pointed out early on in chapter 1, is entirely Bella’s fault and was completely avoidable), about the sound rain makes, and stuff about home. Bella is amazingly articulate when she sleep talks, isn’t she? Oh, she also complains about the plant life in her sleep, once again completely reversing her attitude towards plants. At the beginning she despised anything green, going so far as to complain about potted plants. Later she marveled at the beauty of a forest (chapter 6), and now she’s back to whining about plants. A little consistency would be nice, Meyer! (+1 Stupidity)

Edward mentions that Bella says his name in her sleep…a lot.

Can’t you just imagine Edward hunched over in a corner of Bella’s room at night, playing with himself and sniffing Bella’s dirty panties?

 

Bella: *asleep* Edward…..

Edward: Oh, yeah, baby! Say my name, Bella! Say it! *sniffs panties* SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

 

Charlie comes home, and Edward displays his newest superpower: teleportation.

 

“Then we both heard the sound of tires on the brick driveway, saw the headlights flash through the front windows, down the hall to us. I stiffened in his arms.
 “Should your father know I’m here?” he asked.
 “I’m not sure…” I tried to think it through quickly.
 “Another time then…”

And I was alone.
 “Edward!” I hissed.
 I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.”

 

I hate to break it to ya, Sparklepeen, but you are not Batman. You just kind of look like a prick when you do it, especially when you laugh at the girl you just left. (+1 Red Flag)

Then again, it could just be invisibility. That would explain how his chuckle could be “ghostly,” as in resembling the characteristics of ghosts. Did Edward go “wwoOoOo!” or stop to throw his voice so that it sounded like he was in the room with her when he wasn’t? Or maybe Meyer meant to say that his chuckle was just incredibly eerie. That’s not a very positive description. I mean, seriously, if someone disappeared on me and left behind a “ghostly” chuckle, I’d call a fuckin’ priest! (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Charlie enters the house.

 

“Bella?” he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be? Suddenly he didn’t seem so far off base.”

 

I find it incredibly hilarious how hard Bella tries to make Charlie look like an idiot, considering the boundless stupidity she’s demonstrated in the last few chapters. Note how she doesn’t even pause to consider what Edward’s repeated break-ins may mean to Charlie. What a self-centered bitch. (+1 Stupidity/Bitch)

 

“His footsteps sounded so noisy after my day with Edward.”

 

Edward moves awfully lightly for someone made of stone, don’t you think?

 

“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off,
holding the back of Edward’s chair for support.”

 

Edward’s chair? If this were any other person I’d assume the words were meant as “the chair Edward had sat in,” but given Bella/Meyer’s track record, it wouldn’t  surprise me if Bella now considers that “Edward’s chair,” in the possessive sense, just because he’d sat in it once.

Oh, and Bella’s tongue is set on fire by lasagna. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.
”

 

Oh no she didn’t!!!!!!!

It’s bad enough she bitches at her classmates based on their appearance, but her own father? (+1 Bitch) It creeps me out enough that Bella compares her father  to someone she’d like to have sex with, it also says something about her view of people. Not even family members are deserving of respect if they don’t meet her prettiness standards.

 

“It was a nice day,” he agreed. What an understatement, I thought to myself.”

 

SO SHE CONSIDERS LEARNING THAT SOMEONE BREAKS IN TO HER HOUSE A NICE DAY FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

 

“Charlie surprised me by being observant. “In a hurry?”

 

Yeah, because Bella’s been oh-so subtle about wanting to leave, the way she wolfed down her food. The way this girl talks about her father you’d think he’d be in a program for the mentally challenged. (+1 Bitch)

 

“You look kinda keyed up,” he noted. Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?”

 

Because he’s your father, you stupid slut! My God, taking care of you is his job! Show a little respect for the man who let you into his home and goes out of his way for you. Do you have ANY idea how many young people in America alone would LOVE to be so fortunate?

Now, I’m not saying he can’t get on her nerves, she is a teenager, after all. But she doesn’t so much as pay lip service to Charlie’s authority as her father. I think Charlie needs to put his foot down. He is not one of her classmates that she can simply dismiss. He is her GODDAMN FATHER, and that should mean something! (+1 Bitch)

The only way that this situation could work would be if that Bella had an actual character. (Gasp! I said the c-word!) Perhaps if there were some scenes in which the two butt heads, Bella blaming Charlie for separating from her mother and, in effect, no longer feeling beholden to him. That would not only explain her attitude towards Charlie, it would also make for a much more interesting read. But nooo! That would mean there would be c…co..c..c…conflict! No sir, everything must be all buttercups and rainbows in Meyerland! No conflict, no struggling to deal with personal issues, no bothersome real-life complications! It’s all butterflies and sparkles forever and ever! YAAAAAAAY!!!

The worst part of this scenario, in all its awfulness, is that we’re actually supposed to sympathize  with Bella.

 

“It’s Saturday,” he mused.
 I didn’t respond.
 “No plans tonight?” he asked suddenly.”

 

How could he have asked it suddenly when it directly relates to a previous statement? If Meyer had deleted the two lines before it, then it would be sudden. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Do you remember way back in chapter 6 (Honestly, it might have been chapter 5 or 7, they all blend together after awhile.)  when I said that Meyer robbed her characters of all personality by explaining their every action? Here’s another example of that.

 

“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.
”

 

WHY EXPLAIN THAT? Is being honest with her father such a chore for her that she thinks of it as a quest? Does she see a giant flashing exclamation point over Charlie’s head whenever she talks to him? Any competent author could get that point across without blatantly stating that. Jesus Christ, where in the name of God’s green earth was Meyer’s editor for sentences like these? (+1 Stupidity) 

 

Sign number 6 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He turns you against your friends and family. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Well, you’re too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking.” Every father’s dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.

”Sounds like a good idea to me,” I agreed as I headed up the stairs. 

”‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out. 

”See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.”

 

What…a…bitch! (+1 Bitch)

Aside from the incredibly stupid cliché, you know what I find hilarious? The fact that Bella is pissed that her own father might be checking on her, when Edward breaks into her house EVERY NIGHT! And it is ever so romantic! ARGH!

Bella keeps her streak going by tricking Charlie into thinking that she’s gone to bed. The first thing she does is open her window to call out for Edward, which isn’t a problem because he’s already laying on her bed-

Wait, what?

 

“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.”

 

Did…did he…he actually just went and…

ERROR: THE CURRENT APPLICATION WILL BE TERMINATED IMMEDIATELY. I AM ERROR. I AM ERROR.

*several minutes later*

 

WHAT THE HELL?

God fucking dammit! What on Earth is WRONG with people if THIS is considered romantic? Newsflash, kiddies: if a guy breaks into your house without your knowledge or consent, then later helps himself to your bed without your permission or knowledge, you should CALL THE POLICE! That kind of behavior is a sign of someone who is possessive, if not downright needy; neurotic, if not completely insane; and unbalanced, if not totally abusive. (+2 Red Flag)

What worries me most is the loads of Twitards who wish Edward was real. It makes me weep that these poor naive people will go looking for this kind of guy in real life. I worry even more that they might actually find one, because in the real world people who exhibit the personality traits displayed by Edward in this book tend to be abusive control freaks. Either that or anti-social users who are perfectly willing to tell these desperate girls what they want to hear and then take advantage of them.

I can already hear the fangirls screaming in their unnaturally high-pitched voices, “He did it because he wuvs her!” or, “It’s just a story!”  Here’s something that proves complete bullshit of the whole fiasco: Would you be nearly as forgiving with a guy who was overweight and ugly, even if he did truly love you? If you said no, you’re a filthy hypocrite. If you said yes, I still have some hope for humanity after all. I’m sorry, but Edward doesn’t get to screw the rules because he’s pretty.

Anyway, Edward picks Bella up as if she were a toddler. I am not kidding. It is written in the book. He picks her up as if she’s a fuckin’ toddler. The man treats the girl as if she’s a baby. That is not sexist in any way.

Bella’s ticker gives out again. Sheesh, will she just get that checked out already?

 

“Can I have a minute to be human?” I asked.
”

 

Okay, I am seriously getting annoyed by this. Ever since the big non-reveal, Bella and Edward have been using the word “human” back and forth. While I found it cute the first time some aspect of Edward was jokingly called human, but now this is really overstaying its welcome. We get it, Edward is a vampire and Bella is a squishy human. Move on already.

It also bothers me incredibly that Bella has to basically ask permission for a personal moment.

Bella rushes off to groom herself. I find it odd that she keeps her toiletries in a bag. That’s what you do if you’re in a hotel or sleeping over for a few days. If she considered the place her home she’d have left her toothbrush in the bathroom. Meyer describes Bella brushing her teeth and taking a shower.

BRAIN BLEACH NOW, PLEASE!

 

“The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning.”

 

Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Why am I reading this? Why does Meyer make absolutely no effort to write an actual plot or develop her characters, yet pads her book with the kind of stuff most authors gloss over, if not skip entirely? For the love of God, she even describes Bella getting dressed (Holey t-shirt, Batman!).

Bella goes downstairs to deceive her father once again, then sprints to her room to eye-hump Sparklepeen some more.

 

“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.”

 

Good God, what is is with this girl and her measuring tape? (+1 Stupidity) At least the comparison to Adonis might make sense, it would mean they both have tiny dicks.

Edward asks what the whole song and dance was for, and Bella tells him that Charlie thinks she’s sneaking out. Never mind that he hasn’t really given any indication of that, and this is all guesswork on Bella’s part, but I’m sure she’s absolutely right on this. She’s a Mary Sue, after all, and they’re always right unless it’s convenient for the plot that they be wrong.

Edward makes out with Bella Eskimo-style again, and while he’s doing that, Bella asks whys it’s so easy for him to be close to her now. Then comes an ass pull so tremendous it makes me want to blue screen again.

 

“I felt the tremor of his breath on my neck as he laughed. “Mind over matter.”

 

Knock ‘em back, folks.

Sweet Jesus, where do I begin?

Remember when every other word out of Edward’s mouth was telling Bella how dangerous he was and how she should stay away while he hypocritically stalked her? Remember that speech about how vampire thirst was the strongest thing out there, and even the strongest vampires could slip?

All bullshit.

Every. Last. Word.

All that tension Meyer’s been trying to build about how dangerous Edward is, well…, it’s gone. She fucking wasted our time on something she was going to retcon 14 chapters in. That is 7 weeks of my life I will never  get back. FUCK!

Our only reward is a plot point that went nowhere. The first half of the fucking book was practically dedicated to this idea of a forbidden love between Bella and a vampire who wants to eat her. AND THAT WAS ON THE FUCKING BACK COVER!

But look on the bright side! This means that Edward no longer has any internal conflict. He can simply will himself not to eat Bella and that’s that. Isn’t that SO much better than seeing him wrestle with his inner demons and ultimately become a stronger person for it? Character growth is for losers.

No need to worry too much. I’m sure this will only last until the next time Edward feels like being emo and whining about how dangerous he is. Nothing will ever actually come of it, but he sure will complain a lot. That’s the same thing as character growth, isn’t it? One sloppily constructed sentence later, they start staring at each other and Edward wonders what’s up.

 

“Did I do something wrong?”

 

YA THINK? You fucking stalk her, you break into her house, carry her like a toddler, and order her about like she’s your property.

Did I mention the stalking?

 

“No — the opposite. You’re driving me crazy,” I explained.
”

 

I get the feeling that Meyer doesn’t quite understand what the dash means. It is in no way a substitute for a comma, Meyer!

Sparklepeen goes on about how amazing Bella is, and reveals that he’s a virgin, having never been with a girl in 100+ years, and Bella is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. Ugh! Could Meyer make it a little clearer that Bella is a giant Sue?!?

For another thing, this obviously means Edward’s got some issues here. Boys, if you looked like a god and could have any chick you wanted, wouldn’t you be banging women left and right? Yeah. I’ve seen fans defend Edward’s actions by citing his virginity, and how it must have been so horrible for him to live for so long without loving anyone. My response to that is “who’s fault is that?”

Meyer tries to explain again why Edward no longer has any internal conflict. You see, he was just unsure of himself. He just had to choose not to eat Bella and decide that he was strong enough to resist his blood hunger. Never mind that if it really is that simple, what’s stopping everyone from doing it? Hell, smokers have a harder time resisting their cravings than vampires. Am I actually suppose to sympathize with this guy?

I now want nothing more than to find Meyer and beat her over the head with all four books tied together. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“I’d never seen him struggle so hard for words. It was so… human.
”

 

Shut up, shut up, just shut the hell up! Edward has never acted anything but human. Has he ever demonstrated anything that could be considered non-human? If he weren’t human he’d be packing away Bella’s severed body parts and choosing which to have as a snack later.

 

“So there’s no possibility now?”
 “Mind over matter,” he repeated, smiling, his teeth bright even in the darkness.
”

 

THAT’S IT, EVERYONE DIES!

 

I’m just going to speed this up before I smash my laptop in a blind rage.

Edward bitches about how hard his struggle is, completely contradicting what he said earlier. (+1 Stupidity) I’m willing to bet that Edward’s bloodlust is only a problem when it’s convenient for the plot.

 

“Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.” But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.”

 

Wow, Meyer. Is that really the sort of imagery you want to bring to mind? Take a shot. Prisoners and shackles? It’s a good metaphor for how possessive and controlling Edward is, but something tells me that wasn’t what you meant. In any case, that line is almost as bad as the whole, “lion and the lamb” thing. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward talks about how difficult it is to be in love as opposed to just reading about it, and Bella agrees. I cracked up when she says that love was more “forceful” than she imagined. Because love should in no way be forceful. I still have a problem believing that Bedward are actually in love, seeing as the just technically went on their first date.

Sparklepeen tells Bella why he started breaking into her room. For those of you who thought it was supposed to be some grand romantic gesture, think again. Edward did it because he was jealous of Mike for asking Bella to the dance. That’s not romantic. That is petty, childish, and self-serving. That he goes from schoolboy jealousy to breaking and entering proves that he has no impulse control whatsoever.

What exactly was the point of that, anyway? All Mike did was ask, and Bella says no. Why be jealous? If Bella had said yes, that might almost be a credible reason, but that would cause conflict, and we simply can’t have that.

More importantly, if he actually was jealous of Mike, why was there no indication of this in chapter four when he asked her out? Quite the opposite, Edward was AMUSED the whole time. He laughed it up. He wasn’t a seething ball of jealous fury, he was chuckling and teasing Bella, going so far as to trap her in the parking lot specifically to give Tyler a chance to ask her out! Then he laughed about it some more.

And why is he jealous of Mike and not, say, Eric or Tyler, both of who asked her out that same day? Did Meyer forget those two had been there? What happened to Eric, anyway? Is he still in the book? This plot hole is officially so big that I could bury Meyer in it and use her copious amounts of bullshit to seal her inside so she can never write another God awful book again.

Get your story straight and try some form of consistency, Meyer. (And no, I don’t count consistently sucking as a form of consistency.) (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 7 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He frequently proclaims moral superiority over you.

 

“That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.”

 

YOU WATCH YOUR GIRLFRIEND SLEEP THERE IS NOT A SINGLE MORAL BONE IN YOUR BODY.

Also, Edward had been eavesdropping on Bella’s talk with Charlie and got angry because Charlie simply mentioned Mike’s name. He then says “of course,” as in, “of course I’ve been eavesdropping on you, Bella,” as if that were his right. Arrogant bastard!  (+1 Red Flag)

I’ll give Edward some credit for at least admitting he’s in the wrong, Admitting something, however, is completely worthless unless one actually does something about it. The one who errs and doesn’t realize it is forgivable. The one who knows his error and continues anyway is a bastard.

Edward’s jealousy is so idiotic that even Bella calls him out on it. Edward gives a bullshit answer about Bella “awakening the human” in him, which makes absolutely no sense. He had been acting human long before Bella ever arrived in Forks. If not, he wouldn’t have bothered attending high school constantly all this time, or drinking animal blood out of some misguided sense of compassion. He clearly identifies with humanity, or none of that would really matter to him.

Bella expresses her jealousy of Rosalie. This shows how shallow she is, and how shallow this whole relationship is, because the only criteria being considered is Rosalie’s physical appearance.

 

Edward: You don’t understand how insanely jealous I’ve been. I mean, Mike asked you to the DANCE! The nerve of him! How dare he not realize that you are my property even though I had been doing everything in my power to avoid you at the time?

Bella: You think YOU have it tough? You were supposed to be with Rosalie! Since her physical attractiveness is roughly 100x that of mine, that means her love is that much purer, because love is only about looks!

Edward: Don’t worry, Bella, there is no competition because you are 10x more attractive to me. Look at how deep I am to pick you over her, even though the only attribute we’ve discussed has been physical looks and I did just admit that I picked you because I think you’re more attractive. TWU WUV FTW!

 

That’s pretty much their conversation in a nutshell.

Edward starts on a long-winded speech about how OMFG special Bella (Seriously, just saying her name will create double rainbows, summon unicorns, and cause the very gates of heaven to open and the angels will burst forth in song and dance, scattering tulips wherever they go. That’s how special she is.) is, which only serves to point out how big of a Mary-Sue Bella is, and stroke Meyer’s (and the audience’s) ego, since Bella is a giant self insert. Turns out Edward wasn’t complete in nearly ninety years of existence because Bella hadn’t been born yet.

 

“For almost ninety years I’ve walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren’t alive yet.”

 

You hear that, guys? YOU are so special that the world was a vast, empty place filled with darkness, despair, and the smell of feet until you came along. No wonder people like this book, you’d never need toilet paper again with how much it licks your ass. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

This whole book is pure wish fulfillment. I bet there are plenty of people who’d love to have someone say this kind of stuff to them, and Twilight is telling them exactly what they want to hear. It is ego masturbation in its most unadulterated form.

Edward then clams up tighter than a virgin on prom night.

 

“What —” I started to ask, when his body became alert.”

 

Take a shot.

Charlie comes up to check on Bella, and afterwards, Edward climbs into bed with her. I guess at this point I really shouldn’t be that surprised. He comments that her scent is mouthwatering, like lavender or freesia or something. Um, I don’t know about you guys, but when I smell flowers, the last thing I want to do is eat them. It would make a helluva lot more sense if she smelled like pepperoni pizza or something. (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 8 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He won’t discuss mature things like sex with you.

 

He paused. “Should I sing you to sleep?”
 “Right,” I laughed. “Like I could sleep with you here!”
 “You do it all the time,” he reminded me.
 “But I didn’t know you were here,” I replied icily.
 “So if you don’t want to sleep…” he suggested, ignoring my tone. My breath caught.
 “If I don’t want to sleep… ?”

He chuckled. “What do you want to do then?”
 I couldn’t answer at first.
 “I’m not sure,” I finally said.
 “Tell me when you decide.”

 

Bella asks Edward why he doesn’t eat humans, and he gives another long-winded speech about rising above his instincts and trying to reclaim his humanity and blah blah blah fuckety fuck fuck. This ties into what I said earlier about Edward essentially being human long before Bella arrived. It also says something about the way they think. They idealize human values as being superior to vampire ones and hold up humanity as a golden standard to strive for. In essence, they’re not really vampires psychologically. Humans are food to vampires, many of whom might not be too thrilled with the idea of emulating their dinner.

Bella asks why vampires have superpowers, and Meyer, through Edward, gives us a hand wave about the powers coming from their strongest human traits being amplified when they were turned. Edward, for example, can read minds supposedly because he was a sensitive person before he was turned. While I could argue that there is a HUGE difference between having a sensitive personality and having superpowers, this just points out yet another contradiction in Meyer’s clusterfuck of a story.

You know what I don’t get? Why Meyer tries to give us a scientific explanation for certain aspects of her desecrators of the vampire name, such as why they sparkle, why they’re not attracted to vaginal blood, and why Edward was able to impregnate Bella when by all her standards it should be impossible. While superpowers from personality traits may work if you’re dealing with mystical creatures, Meyer has taken a firm scientific stance here. She has went on record as stating that the reason her shitty vampires aren’t harmed by the sun is because she thought that would be too mystical, yet having mind-reading powers because you were a sensitive person somehow is not.

Either make them magical or completely scientific, Meyer. Given the loose grasp you seem to have on most scientific concepts, I’d recommend the former. (+1 Stupidity)

 

Sign number 9 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He rejects your thoughts and ideas regardless of evidence. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn’t we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don’t believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?”

 

I see what you did there, Meyer. Slip some religious ideals in, regardless of the evidence about evolution. (While I have nothing against Mormons or any religion, I just can’t resist calling bullshit on Meyer.) This is what I mean about needing to decide whether your vamps are magical or scientific, Meyer!

At this point I am getting extremely tired of this chapter and am just trying to get through it. This conversation seems to be lasting forever and I am bored out of my skull. Meyer, we don’t need a point-by-point description of the other characters. How ‘bout actually SHOWING us some of these fantastical powers in context rather than EXPLAINING them.

 

“I’m glad you can’t read my thoughts. It’s bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking.”

 

People find this romantic HOW?

And now the book that supposedly promotes abstinence goes into the topic of Edward and Bella having sex. ‘Scuse me while I chug some brain bleach to remove that horrible image from my head.

Blah blah, it’s too dangerous, blah blah, Edward could kill her easily, blah blah, all the same “I’m dangerous, stay away” crap we’ve been hearing nonstop throughout this book. Moving on.

By the way, I’m giving Meyer a thesaurus rape point for her overuse of formal words in the sections I’ve covered. I’ll quote one example for context, but it’s one of many.

 

“He seemed to deliberate for a moment.”

 

Who the hell thinks like that? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

 

Sign number 10 that your boyfriend is a giant bag of douche:

He constantly threatens you with death. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“That’s certainly a problem. But that’s not what I was thinking of. It’s just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we’re together so that I don’t hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident.” His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. “If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn’t paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don’t realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I’m with you.”

 

Anyone who likes Twilight has obviously not been in an abusive relationship. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella asks Edward if they’ll ever get married, even though they’ve only been dating, for like, a day. Then he sings her to sleep. Oh, and apparently Edward has the voice of an archangel. (+1 Cream Count) I swear, even Harry Potter fanfic writers show more restraint when describing their Mary Sues. Ugh!

Someone put me out of my misery.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +22

Bitch: +5

Thesaurus Rape: +7

Cream Count: +3

Red Flag: +15

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +177

Angst: +21

Bitch: +66

Thesaurus Rape: +54

Eye Rape: +11

Cream Count: +24

Red Flag: +49

Redemption: +6