Archive for the ‘Twilight’ Category

So, if you haven’t been with me all the way, I’ve created this handy little recap to summarize my perilous journey through the literary blemish that is Twilight.  This is where I will be leaving you for now, as I’m taking a brief hiatus from my reviews (Don’t worry, I’m still doing the rest of the series.) In my brief hiatus, I plan on watching the Twilight movie to fill the gap. It may or may not be split into mini-movies, which I will review and post for your viewing pleasure. Now, on with the recap!

 

A six-sentence summary:

Whiny emo brat Bella moves to Forks, Washington, is a bitch to the nice townspeople, and falls for a pale emo brat named Edward. Edward avoids her like she’s the plague, then turns around and kisses her ass, which every boy in school is chasing. Edward’s a sociopathic misogynistic abuser, but that’s okay, because he’s a vampire. Oh, and there’s this kid named Jacob, who may or may not be a werewolf. Edward sparkles in the sunlight, and takes Bella to go play baseball with his twisted sparkly family, where a couple bad vampires are thrown in at the last minute. They try to kill Bella, but she’s just fine and everything is wrapped up in time for prom.

 

The Characters:

Main Protagonists:

Bella Swan: The spineless protagonist of this novel, who is the textbook definition of a Mary Sue. Despite having no actual personality, every boy in the school falls for her. She’s also kind of bitchy.

What they should have been called: Sweet Darling Angel Bella-Sue.

Edward Cullen: The hella creepy male vampire protagonist. Also the textbook definition of a Marty Stu, Edward’s perfect in every way, except for those nasty misogynistic and abusive tendencies, but that’s okay because OMG he’s so pretty. And he sparkles.

What they should have been called: Sparkles McAbuserpants.

Clan Cullen:

Carlisle Cullen: The founder of Clan Cullen, he was a preacher’s son, who, when turned into a Sparklepire, tried to off himself. (If you’ve been with me the whole time, you know he just didn’t try hard enough.) Instead of being an actual vampire, he decided to become a doctor, and “save” others like him. (Yeah, right.) His first choice in companions was Edward, a 17 year old boy, so I think it’s safe to assume that he is the reason why Edward is so creepy.

What they should have been called: Doctor Sparklestein.

Esme Cullen: The matriarch of Clan Cullen, Esme seems pretty chill at first sight. Then you remember that she tried to commit suicide when her baby died, but Carlisle “saved” her, so that she can keep looking for her dead baby in the twisted children Carlisle brings home.

What they should have been called: Betty Crocker with fangs.

Alice Cullen: Crazy-ass Sparklefairy who was legit insane in her last life, and now is just a glorified weatherman for Clan Cullen. Pretty much just exists to help the plot along.

 

What they should have been called: Plot Device.

Jasper Cullen: The most recent vamp to jump on the “vegetarian” bandwagon. We don’t really know a lot about him yet, only that he has the nifty power to control emotions, a power he gets a lot of mileage out of around Bella. Oh, and I hear he tries to kill Bella in the next book, so that’s a plus.

What they should have been called: Disaster Waiting to Happen. 

Rosalie Cullen: The gorgeous blonde bitch who hates Bella for having a functional uterus. She seems to realize what a bitch Bella is, but is mostly used as just another way to make Bella look like such a special snowflake.

What they should have been called: President of the “Ways to Make Bella Look Special” Committee.

Emmett Cullen: Clan Cullen’s resident badass, Emmett seems pretty awesome, and I’m half wondering why the book wasn’t about him and Rosalie. Then again, if it was, I’m sure I’d be raving about how badass and underrated Bella and Edward are. Either way, Emmett don’t care. Emmett just don’t give a shit.

What they should have been called: Awesome Badass.

The Evil Vampires:

James: The head honcho who wants to eat Bella because, apparently, she smells like a delicious flowery cheeseburger. He figures that it’s fair play because another vamp stole Alice from him a long time ago. I tend to agree with him.

What they should have been called: Reader, I am your Plot.

Victoria: James’ girl, who really doesn’t serve any purpose except to be a problem later on.

What they should have been called: Vanilla Villainess.

Laurent: The other bad vamp, isn’t really so much bad as he is indecisive. Tells us how OMG dangerous James is, and then gets the hell out of Dodge.

What they should have been called: This is a Case Where You Shoot the Messenger.

Injuns:

Billy Black: The superstitious old man who has it out for Eddiekins from the get go. Makes poor Jacob run his drama errands, and seriously needs to learn when it’s none of his damn business. A real nice guy, unless you happen to sparkle.

What they should have been called: Billy the Meddling Indian.

Jacob Black: Probably the best character in this book, he seems to be a product of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, (Along with Emmett, and possibly Jasper.) and my guess is that Meyer doesn’t realize she’s actually doing something competent for once. May or may not be a werewolf, my first thoughts were, “Yeah, because a guy who rides a motorcycle, has the last name Black, and turns into a dog is totes original.”

What they should have been called: My Stories are Better Than the Word of God.

Puny Humans:

Charlie Swan: Badass cop who seems a little inattentive, but other wise a damn good father. Takes way too much of Bella’s shit, I’m hoping he puts his foot down soon.

What they should have been called: Generic Source for Teenage Angst Number 1.

Renee Swan: Bella’s immature mother, who we hear from exactly twice in the book.

What they should have been called: Generic Source for Teenage Angst Number 2.

The School Kids:  Consists of Angela, Jessica, Lauren, Mike, Tyler, and Eric. Angela is quiet, Jessica is nosy, Lauren is the Vice President of the “Ways to Make Bella Look Special” Committee, Mike is a dog who tries to get in Bella’s pants, Tyler nearly kills Bella and tries to get in her pants, and Eric is a stereotypical nerd who tries to get in Bella’s pants. That’s really all you need to know.

What they should have been called: The Scooby Gang.

Tyler’s Van: Oh, Tyler’s Van, how we applaud your noble efforts to silence the terrible Bella-Sue. Fear not, we know that next time, you will succeed.

 

The Book:

The Good: Both Emmett and Jacob are likeable characters…aaand, that’s about it. The thing that bothered me most about this book was not that it wasn’t good, but that it had so much potential to be good. In the hands of a better writer, and after a few full body cavity searches by a good editor, Twilight could have been halfway decent.

The Bad: There was no plot, and when it did show up, it blundered around like a drunken monkey, flinging feces everywhere. The characters were flat and boring, and I was completely unable to relate to any of them, except maybe Emmett or Jacob. Situations are too contrived and unrealistic.

The Ugly: Meyer’s writing is teeming with historical and modern inaccuracies, plus quotes like the famous, “bouquets of brilliant anemones” line. Where the hell was the editor when this book came through? There were way too many creamy descriptions of Edward, and by chapter five I was sick of Meyer jackhammering how “devastatingly beautiful” Edward is into my head. Then again, I seriously don’t expect a whole lot from an author who chooses names for her main protagonists that mean, “beautiful swan” and “ handsome wealthy protector.”

 

Predictions For the Next Book:

A cataclysmic battle between the vampires and the werewolves destroys the moon. After the resulting deadly tsunamis, the vampires and werewolves are forced to work together to assemble a new moon (hence the title) constructed out of twigs, lumps of double bubble, and the occasional sticky rock, all while Bella sits around being useless and fawning over Edward.

However, the real problems don’t start until Tyler’s Van, eager for another try at exterminating the Sue, reanimates James’  corpse, and sends him back on the warpath to kill Bella, because then there won’t be a next book.

 Meanwhile, Jacob and Emmett have grown disenchanted with their supernatural lives, so they use the vast fortune that Emmett earned playing football for the New Orleans Saints to buy a yacht, and they become pirates, sailing the seas and plundering small Caribbean villages. Little do they know that Jerry Bruckheimer is hot on their trail, manipulating our dynamic duo so that he can make another god-awful Pirates of the Caribbean sequel, because four just wasn’t cutting it for him. It’s a race against the clock for our pirate vampire and werewolf to find Johnny Depp before Jerry does, or forever be trapped in a chain of neverending, poorly written sequels.

 

What Next, Kate?:

Coming soon, to a computer near you: Kate’s review of Twilight: The movie. After that, expect an in-depth riff of the scintillating (See, Meyer? I can write like that too!) New Moon.

Advertisements

What this epilogue should have been called: WHY, GOD? I THOUGHT I WAS FINISHED!!

Edward creep-o-meter: 8

 

Fuck the intro, let’s get this over with.

Bella is all dolled up, and is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, who is wearing a tux. Bella asks where they’re going, and Edward makes the mandatory quip insulting her intelligence (+1 Red Flag) which Bella shakes off because OMG he’s so pretty.

 

“He threw a mocking smile in my direction, and my breath caught in my throat. Would I ever get used to his perfection?”

 

There’s another paragraph describing Edward’s “surreal” beauty. (+1 Cream Count) We find out that Alice has spent all day prettying Bella up. Bella gripes a little about that, because God forbid someone does something nice for her. (+1 Bitch) With how Alice’s hair has been previously described, all sticking up and whatnot, I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out with a fauxhawk.

Being Bella, she has no idea what the hell is going on, and when Edward’s phone rings, she finally starts to clue in, but not before describing how OMG MISERABLE her life has been lately.

 

“These days I had rules that hadn’t existed before: curfews… visiting hours.”

 

From the way this girl talks, you would think she had never been thirteen. Then again, little Bella-Sue was probably a perfect little angel even then. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward continues his conversation with Charlie (Remember: it’s okay to talk on the phone when driving, Meyer says so.) and Edward asks if he can talk to Tyler. WTF?

 

“I’m sorry if there’s been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight.” Edward’s tone changed, and the threat in his voice was suddenly much more evident as he continued. “To be perfectly honest, she’ll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I’m sorry about your evening.”

 

Bella flips the hell out, because OMG he’s taking her to prom how dare he! I’d do the same, IF I WAS FUCKIN’ IDIOTIC ENOUGH NOT TO KNOW WHEN PROM NIGHT WAS. Crap on a stick, how stupid do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…(+1 Stupidity)

Right. Bella.

After Edward viciously puts down Tyler (Off camera, I can only assume Tyler breaks down crying, and Charlie gives him the “there are other fish in the sea” speech. They then bond over hot pockets and games of Clue. It’s the greatest night of Tyler’s life.) Bella is super pissed that Edward is taking her to prom. Her excuse is that her usual clumsiness will be magnified by the cast (I expect she’s more pissed about actually having to be social with people.), but once again, Edward conveniently swoops in and says he’ll do all he work.

One of the reasons Bella doesn’t suspect she’s going to the prom is that deep down, she was hoping the fancy clothes were part of a vampire ritual that would transform her from a human into a Sparklefairy. So, when she finds out that Edward is taking her to a lame prom, she’s disappointed, to say the least. It’s like hoping to go to Space Camp, but ending up at Dirt Camp instead.

Cool as the other side of the pillow, Edward informs her that the other vamp-teens will be there as well.

I don’t know if Meyer’s ever going to address this (Or if she already has and I’ve blocked it out of my memory.) but why do vampires need to go to high school? Meyer claims it’s because they want to blend in, but all they really do is hang out together and stare at all the tasty humans, so it’s really not that effective. Maybe along with blood, Sparklefairies need regular doses of English and morning announcements to survive. (+1 Stupidity)

So all the teenpires are there, and Rosalie still hates Bella and her living uterus. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraph after paragraph about how pretty everyone is. (+1 Cream Count) They walk in and see that Emmett and Rosalie are dancing elegantly, as are Jasper and Alice; everyone has formed a circle around the four vampires. Again, they’re hardly inconspicuous. A better way to fit in at prom would be to let the women fast dance together, while the guys hang out along the wall telling each other that their date is just a friend. (Even though they all hope it’s more than that.)

Since everyone has had decades to practice their dance moves, they’re top notch. Edward hoists Bella up on to his feet like a toddler and begins to spin around, and of course Bella loves it.

Suddenly….Injuns!

Jacob is here for unknown reasons (Given Jacob’s previous appearances, my guess is that he turned up to tell Bella that things just won’t work out because he’s been drafted by the New York Yankees, singlehandedly created a solution to world poverty , and has been selected to run in the 2012 presidential election.) but comes Bella’s way and asks if he can cut in. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.

Jacob then fills Bella in.

 

“Can you believe my dad paid me twenty bucks to come to your prom?” he admitted, slightly ashamed.”

 

Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (Speaking of which, how did Jacob get here? He’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?

Apparently, Billy the Meddling Indian (I sense a sitcom in the makings.) thinks that this is the only safe environment for a conversation, because he’s apparently never heard of a telephone. (+1 Stupidity) But anyway, the real reason Billy made Jacob go is so that he could tell her that she should break up with Edward.

 

“Well — this is so stupid, I’m sorry, Bella — he wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you ‘please.'” He shook his head in disgust.”

 

How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, Jake, buddy, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?” (+1 Stupidity)

Bella says no. Duh.

I’m glad that Meyer realizes how for cerals it is when a 17-year-old girl says “I love you more than everything anywhere evar!11!1eleven!”

Jacob starts to get a little squirrely and says that there’s more to the message, so he concludes it with a ominous, ‘We’ll be watching.” Despite the fact that I have no stalkers, I got a little creeped out after reading this and immediately put on my most concealing sweatpants and jacket, and I recommend you do the same. You never know who’s trying to sneak a peek.

I can’t help but feel bad for Jacob, having to run his dad’s drama errands. Personally, I would have told the old man to stuff it.

Edward pops up and kindly tells Jacob to GTFO, then reclaims Bella.  Edward leads her outside, and on the way she notices her other classmates, but not Eric, who I’m worried about. (Maybe he’s playing Clue with Tyler.) Once they’re outside, they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day. Edward is confused by this, saying that getting bitten isn’t a fancy event (It’s probably more of the pool party situation.)

Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented.(+1 Stupidity) Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and  kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!

 

“I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?” “Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.” And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.”

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

TWILIGHT

Total Count:

Stupidity: +6

Bitch: +1

Cream Count: +2

Red Flag: +1

 

Book Count:

Stupidity: +285

Angst: +29

Bitch: +78

Thesaurus Rape: +78

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +30

Red Flag: +75

Redemption: +9

What this chapter should be called: OH MY GOD I SEE THE LIGHT!

Edward creep-o-meter: 9, everything’s normal again.

 

Lord, can it be? Is this the end? Are the reassuring lack of pages on the right side of this book really a sign that I am almost done?

 

“My eyes opened to a bright, white light. I was in an unfamiliar room, a white room. The wall beside me was covered in long vertical blinds; over my head, the glaring lights blinded me. I was propped up on a hard, uneven bed — a bed with rails. The pillows were flat and lumpy.”

 

So, she’s either woken up in a hospital or an asylum. I’m gonna guess hospital, since she seems to have an IV plugged in.

 

“There was an annoying beeping sound somewhere close by. I hoped that meant I was still alive. Death shouldn’t be this uncomfortable.”

 

Not if you’re in hell.

She tries to rip out her nasal drip, when Edward stops her. He’s been in the hospital the whole time, apparently having never left her side.

 

“I realized again that I was alive, this time with gratitude and elation. “Oh, Edward,
 I’m so sorry!”

 

Oh, haven’t I told you that this looks fucking idiotic!?!?

The next exchange between Bella and Edward is pure gold as far as Edward’s abusive tendencies go. To sum it all up, he has her apologize for falling for James’ trick, smelling so good, and, here’s the best one:

 

“He raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Of all the things to apologize for.”
 “What should I apologize for?”
 “For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever.”
 “I’m sorry,” I apologized again.”

 

WHAT THE FUCK, EDWARD?

Your girlfriend was concerned about her mother, so she went, and it’s really not her fault that she was moronic enough to fall for the trick. The, you make her apologize for the way her OWN BLOOD tastes, but that’s not your biggest concern. No, you’re just pissed because if your girl died, that would mean that you wouldn’t have her. What the hell? (+2 Red Flag)

You know who Edward is? Edward is that clingy guy that you can’t tell him you hate him, because if you did, he would off himself and blame you in the suicide note.

Edward assures her that yes, they did indeed off James, but since we never saw an actual vampire smackdown, we can’t be sure. (Meyer, if we ever meet, you totally owe me a vampire smackdown.) So, it’s possible that Edward is just fishing for attention, like that one kid on the playground who claimed that he could swing all the way around the swingset, but only when no one was watching. (+1 Stupidity)

There’s a few brief paragraphs about Alice and the video, when Bella realizes that she has an IV in her hand. She starts freaking out because of the needle. Uh, hun, they don’t actually leave the needle in there. Chill. (+1 Stupidity) Like a true winner, Edward berates her for her fear of needles. (+1 Red Flag)

 

“Afraid of a needle,” he muttered to himself under his breath, shaking his head. “Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…”

 

Uh, not exactly sure that I would call that bravery, Eddiekins. You didn’t read the chapter full of Bella curled up and staring at the wall. (+1 Stupidity) But Bella is a Mary Sue, so all the Cullens probably think that she’s the bravest person since Conan the Barbarian.

Bella apparently has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and a bite mark on her hand. Oh, and mom has come to visit Bella in the hospital. Pray tell, what has Clan Cullen told mom as to explain Bella’s multiple injuries?

She fell down the stairs.

She fucking fell down two flights of stairs and out a window.

God, even by Meyer’s standards, that’s idiotic. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward recount the crazy excuse they’ve cooked up while Bella was unconscious.

 

“I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks.” His wide eyes were so earnest and sincere, I almost believed him myself. “You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with
 Carlisle and Alice — of course I was here with parental supervision,” he inserted virtuously, “but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and… well, you know the rest. You don’t need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points.”

 

I’m sure that the cop father will totally freaking buy this after how freaking upset she was at Edward. Fell down the stairs, MY LEFT ASS CHEEK.

Besides, even if he does buy this, who the hell falls down stairs while going up stairs? Jesus Christ, Meyer, really?(+1 Stupidity) Oh, whoops, BELLA IS SUPER CLUMZY NEVAAAR 4GET!!!1!!

Bella has a sudden surge of logic to her brain, and points out that there are some certain holes in that story, such as the lack of broken windows. As it turns out, Alice took the time to fabricate evidence. Wow, because it is totally easy to fabricate false evidence. Jesus, Meyer, watch a CSI episode. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward feels Bella’s face up (again) and the EKG beeps “erratically”. Then, this little number comes along.

 

“He chuckled, and a speculative look came into his eye. “Hmm, I wonder…”

He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether. He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart.
”

 

Her heart. Stops. When he kisses her.

There are no words to describe how stupid this is. (+1 Stupidity)

Which reminds me OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE ARE VAMPIRES IN THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WHEN THEY FREAK OUT AT THE SMELL OF BLOOD. (+1 Stupidity)

Edward says that he hears Bella’s mother coming up the stairs, and says he’ll pretend to sleep while he listens in on their conversation. Bella nearly has an anxiety attack.

 

“Don’t leave me,” I cried, an irrational surge of panic flooding through me. I couldn’t let him go — he
might disappear from me again.”

 

No matter how you spin it, that’s wrong. Is this girl so attached to her boyfriend that she has problems functioning normally without him?

Anyways, Mom comes in, Edward pretends to be asleep, and there’s an obligatory page of “you’re okay oh my sweet baby I’m so glad you’re okay,” and then Bella asks where Phil the Husband is. GUESS WHAT, Phil got signed to that baseball team he wanted in Florida and so now they’re moving to Florida oh and Bella you’re going to love it it’s so warm and sunny and the house is just darling and we’re right near the ocean and–“

 

“Wait, Mom!” I interrupted. Edward still had his eyes closed, but he looked too tense to pass as asleep.
 “What are you talking about? I’m not going to Florida. I live in Forks.”

 

Bella interrupts self-centered mom to inform her that she still has another parent she’s living with in Forks. Mom’s shocked, naturally. She wants to stay in Forks? Mom may be self-centered, but she isn’t stupid, and soon zeroes in on the fact that it’s because of Edward.

 

“Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he’s incredibly good-looking, but you’re so young,
 Bella…”

 

Since when has 17 been too young to have a boyfriend? Seriously, Meyer, what rock have you been living under? (+1 Stupidity)

Does everyone just automatically assume that she’s going to marry him? I mean, she is, but c’mon. At least inject some reality into this.

Mom glances over her shoulder at the clock, and Bella asks if visiting hours are over soon.

 

“She bit her lip. “Phil’s supposed to call in a little while… I didn’t know you were going to wake up…”

 

OKAY GREAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS BROKEN ALL OVER AND HAS BEEN UNCONSCIOUS FOR DAYS AND AFTER TALKING TO HER FOR MAYBE TEN MINUTES YOU BAIL BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS CALLING SOON FANTASTIC.

Seriously, WTF is up with Meyerland women being dependent on their boyfriends?

Y’know, between someone as inattentive as Charlie (As much as I like him.) and someone as immature as mom, I’m starting to see why Bella is the way she is.

But it’s okay, Mom will be back soon.

 

“I’ll be back soon. I’ve been sleeping here, you know,” she announced, proud of herself.”

 

What, lady, do you want a fucking medal? News flash, you’re a mom, it’s your fucking job! (+1 Stupidity)

Mom leaves, and Edward expresses his surprise that Bella didn’t want to go to Florida. Bella says something along the lines of, “ Oh, silly, you’d have to stay inside all day!” Unfortunately, Bella missed the point, so Edward further suggests that perhaps he should live farther from her so he doesn’t, you know, draw more vampires to her and her delicious cheeseburger flowery blood.

This is totally off topic, but why isn’t there a Bella-scented perfume to help whiny prepubescent girls attract moody creepers? Hell, that would make millions. We could call it “Eau de Bella” or “Smelly Swan”, or even “Rainbow Pony Pudding Puppy Sparkle Kittens.” (That last one practically sells itself.)

Continuing on, Bella has a panic attack, right then and there.

 

“It didn’t sink in at first. I continued to stare at him blankly as the words one by one clicked into place in my head like a ghastly puzzle. I was barely conscious of the sound of my heart accelerating, though, as my breathing became hyperventilation, I was aware of the sharp aching in my protesting ribs.
”

 

The melodrama in this book has been more promiscuous than a whore’s buttocks. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

Yes, so codependent is she that she can hardly imagine what it would be like to live without this marvelous creature, despite the fact that she was doing fantastic great  just fine okay for 17 years without him. (+1Stupidity) She then makes him swear never to leave her.

He moves his face over her so that she can take in his chloroform breath, which calms her down almost immediately. (See, I told you so.)

There’s more of the “I’m dangerous, stay away” schpiel, because God knows we haven’t heard enough of that. Bella asks why Eddie just didn’t let the venom run its course, which would have saved a shitload of problems down the road. UH OH, WHO TOLD YOU? Edward gets seriously pissed because his girlfriend asked something from him.

 

“Edward’s eyes seemed to turn flat black, and I remembered that this was something he’d never intended me to know.”

 

Bella argues, in the clearest burst of logic I’ve seen in 500 pages, that their relationship should be more equal  and she deserves the right to save him sometime too. Edward will have none of that. After all, if she were a vampire, he wouldn’t be able to control her as easily she would be throwing the rest of her life away

Dude, what life? Bella has no goals, no ambition, no friends, no hobbies, no family (Both her parents are pretty sub-par, so I’m not counting them.) and pretty much just exists to get married and have Edward’s  abominable undead baby. Jesus, could we not speed things up here? We could have this whole story wrapped up in 2 books.

 

“Bella, we’re not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that’s the end of it.”

 

In a moment of actual personality, Bella reminds him that he isn’t the only vampire she knows, and Edward responds with a thinly veiled threat.

 

“Alice wouldn’t dare.”
 And for a moment he looked so frightening that I couldn’t help but believe it — I couldn’t imagine someone brave enough to cross him.”

 

I think the creep-o-meter just exploded. (+2 Red Flag)

Seriously, how do people claim this is the romance of the century when Edward is clearly an abusive sociopath?

Bella points out that eventually, she’s going to get old, like, 25. And then it’s going to be creepy that she’s hanging out with an extremely pretty 17 year old. That actually seems to drive it home for Edward, but he ends the conversation by calling the nurse in to drug Bella up some more. I wish I were joking. (+1 Red Flag)

Seriously, how does she not see the signs?

Ah, well, maybe they’ll have sex, Charlie finds out, has Edward arrested for statutory rape, and then serves a restraining order on Edward and the Cullen family, and then Bella is sent to court-mandated therapy sessions, where she finally sees Edward as the sick misogynistic abuser that he really is.

If anyone from Library of the Damned is reading, I feel a fanfic in the makings.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +11

Thesaurus Rape: +1

Red Flag: +6

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +279

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +78

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +74

Redemption: +9

What this chapter should be called:

Edward creep-o-meter- Still at 4, seeing as this chapter is only 5 pages long.

 

Oh my Rowling, I only have two chapters left!

And then I get to watch the movie.

Fuck.

So, this chapter opens with Bella narrating through a haze of pain.

 

“As I drifted, I dreamed. Where I floated, under the dark water, I heard the happiest sound my mind could conjure up — as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly. It was another snarl; a deeper, wilder roar that rang with fury.”

 

Okay, so (+1 Thesaurus Rape) and then, totally out of nowhere, an “angel” shows up to save Bella. (Wow, did I call that or what?) The angel cries without actually shedding tears, because that wouldn’t be manly. Bella hears some noise in the background.

 

“Behind that longed-for sound was another noise — an awful tumult that my mind shied away from. A vicious bass growling, a shocking snapping sound, and a high keening, suddenly breaking off…
”

 

Every time you pick up this book, an innocent thesaurus is brutally deflowered. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

I imagine that this is supposed to be Edward and Alice killing James, which is awfully anti-climatic. I mean, James was supposed to be the near unstoppable big bad, but they just dispatch him in one freakin’ sentence. What  the hell, Meyer? (+1 Stupidity)

Carlisle starts attending to Bella’s wounds, when Bella’s hand starts burning.

 

“Carlisle! Her hand!”
 “He bit her.” Carlisle’s voice was no longer calm, it was appalled.”

 

Um, not sure why they’re all so shocked, after all, he was a vampire. What did they think he would do, play Parcheesi with her? (+1 Stupidity)

Alice butts in from the background, and tells Edward he has to suck the poison out.

 

“See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean.”

 

BUT WAIT! Doesn’t she smell like an amazing cheeseburger and asking him to do this is basically like asking him to pick the onions off with his teeth?

BUT WAIT! Don’t vampires go into a frenzy when they smell blood?

BUT WAIT! Does all the above make Edward hesitate because he doesn’t want to accidentally suck his girlfriend dry?

OH GOD, COULD THIS BE TENSION?!?

Nope. Never mind, he decides that he can do it, and starts to suck out the venom, and I really don’t understand Carl’s logic on this one.

We all know that if a vampire bites you, poison goes into your system and would eventually turn you into a vampire. If another vampire bites you, then it has the complete opposite effect. In real life, this could be translated into: “If a poisonous snake bites me, I should get another poisonous snake to bite me as well. In that way, I won’t die, since the other snake will totally suck the venom out!” (+1 Stupidity)

And what, is it totally uncool for vampires to bite people on the neck anymore? Couldn’t have brought in just a little of the old stories, Meyer?

 

James: Hmm, where to bite this girl? Let’s see…The neck? Uuhh…No, EW! When was the last time this girl washed her neck? Ugh, I’m so not biting her there! I guess her wrist will do.

 

Second, why the hell does Edward specifically need to suck the poison out? I mean, I was thinking, “Huh. Good thing Carlisle is here. That’s a convenient way to safely get the poison out of her, even though it’s sure to have spread beyond the wound.” But NOOO, we ask the PSYCHO to friggin’ taste her, saying,” You can stop after tasting Bella, (a combination of 1: BLOOD, which causes frenzy in vampires, and 2: BELLA, who causes mega frenzy in Edward), right?” (+1 Stupidity)

God, Meyer, way to contradict everything you’ve said about fairies. It saddens me to think that there are intelligent people who love these books.

After I’m finished with this chapter, I’m just going to imagine that instead of fixing Bella up, they all lose control and end up ripping off her limbs instead. And for an added bonus, Alice and Edward will fight over her torso.

But it’s okay, guys! No problem at all. Everyone’s fine and they’re currently burning the bad guy.

 

“And I was in his arms, cradled against his chest — floating, all the pain gone.
 “Sleep now, Bella” were the last words I heard.”

 

I guess we really needed that fake dose of non-tension.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +4

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +268

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +77

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +9

What this chapter should be called: PSYCH!

Edward creep-o-meter: Lowered to a 4 due to his repeated absence.

 

These chapters are getting shorter, thank the lord, but I really just want to be done with this garbage. The chapter opens up with a cheesy line describing Bella’s angst.

 

“It had taken much less time than I’d thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.”

 

While Bella rides around in her personalized wah-mbulance, (+1 Angst) Alice has another vision, prompting Jasper to freak the hell out.

 

“Alice!” Jasper’s voice whipped…”

 

Pray tell, Meyer, how exactly does one whip their voice? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) When Jasper asks what it was, Alice’s only response is Bella’s name, and she doesn’t elaborate on it. Bella assumes that she knows what it was and we never actually find out if it really was what Bella thought it was. (+1 Stupidity)

Jasper messes with Bella’s head, she empties a sock full of money into her pocket, and the all pile in the car and head to the airport, which raises the question: Has Meyer ever been to Sky Harbor? If she has, she should know that the airport is full of windows. Alice and Jasper will be sparkling like a Las Vegas stripper in July. And what about Eddiekins on the plane? It’s going to be awfully hard to explain why he’s sparkling at 30,000 feet. (+2 Stupidity)

Anyways, once they’re on their way, Bella asks Alice how her powers work. Apparently, Alice’s powers are lamer than we thought, and she isn’t so much psychic as she is a glorified weatherman with an uncanny knack for speeding the plot along.

 

“Yes, things change…” she murmured — hopefully, I thought. “Some things are more certain than others… like the weather. People are harder. I only see the course they’re on while they’re on it.
 Once they change their minds — make a new decision, no matter how small — the whole future shifts.”

 

So she’s not really handy, just repetitive.  They finally get to the airport, and I see that Meyer obviously has been to Sky Harbor, but just neglected the fact that her vamps sparkle in the sun, therefore contradicting everything that’s been previously written. (+1 Stupidity) Bella decides she’ll sneak out of a restroom with two doors, and for once, I applaud Meyer for her general knowledge of Sky Harbor, as this seems to be one of the few tidbits of research that she’s actually succeeded at. (+1 Redemption)

 

“The minutes passed and Edward’s arrival grew closer. It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming.”

 

Did Meyer even bother to read that sentence and think about how it sounded before she slapped it down? (+1 Stupidity, because that is the last thing I want to think about.)

Bella somehow cons Jasper into taking her to go get food, and somehow Alice doesn’t see her escaping through the bathroom., because that’s what’s important to this paper-thin plot. (+1 Stupidity) Bella runs through the airport, nearly smacking into the sliding doors like an overeager puppy.

 

“I jumped out the automatic doors, nearly smacking into the glass when they opened too slowly.”

 

That’s just too damn funny.

Bella hops on a shuttle to the Hyatt, continuing to jump in a cab once she’s there. She throws a few twenties over the seat and gives the cabbie her mom’s address, and instead of, I don’t know, trying to think of a way to rescue mom and not die while doing it, she decides to fantasize about Edward.

 

“I visualized how I would stand on my toes, the sooner to see his face. How quickly, how gracefully he would move through the crowds of people separating us. And then I would run to close those last few feet between us — reckless as always — and
 I would be in his marble arms, finally safe.”

 

How do people say that this is a strong female character?

 

“I could see his face so clearly now… almost hear his voice. And, despite all the horror and hopelessness,
 I was fleetingly happy. So involved was I in my escapist daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.”

 

Remember, kiddies: If you’re ever in a threatening situation, just daydream about your boyfriend for awhile and everything will be okay. (+1 Angst) Sheesh, Bella, you decided to be a moron and do this. Man the fuck up and die with a little dignity. After all, you did create this problem. (+1 Stupidity)

The cabbie asks for the number, and Bella makes a remark along the lines of her “delusions being ruined.”

 

“The cabbie’s question punctured my fantasy, letting all the colors run out of my lovely delusions. Fear, bleak and hard, was waiting to fill the empty space they left behind.”

 

*picks up shotgun, goes to Meyer’s house, and puts the poor thesaurus out of its misery*

Now, where were we? (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Anyhoo, Bella gets to mom’s house, the door is locked for some reason, and there’s a ten-digit number on the whiteboard. Bella calls it, and James answers. Mom is perfectly fine, and he even congratulates her on being so quick.

 

“She’s perfectly fine. Don’t worry, Bella, I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.” Light, amused.”

 

Goddammit, another poor thesaurus just fell victim to Meyer’s depraved hands. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) James gives Bella instructions to the ballet studio down the street, and Bella runs there. And falls down a lot. BELLA IS SUPER CLUMZY, NEVARR 4GET! Then things get interesting.

 

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.
 “Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.
 I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.
 There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief.”

 

PSYCH! Oh readers, you poor fools, you actually thought had Bella’s mom?!? Nope, that would cause tension, God forbid! It was just an old home video! Lol, Meyer, I’m so satisfied with this epic twist!!!

Yeah, no. Time to take this ugly fucker apart.

First off, how the hell did Bella fall for this whole setup? Either she’s dumber than I thought, or James’s phone has some seriously good sound quality, because speakers on a TV going through a phone than playing out from a cell phone sounds JUST LIKE Bella’s mom. (+1 Stupidity) Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone’s TV through my phone and confused it with a person speaking. God, Meyer, you fail.

Second, I’m really interested as to how James found this video. Did he seriously break into their house and just pore over these home videos until he found JUST THE RIGHT ONE? And how would he even come up with this plan anyways? But even then, why would he have even started watching the home videos? Did he think, “I will find one with someone panicking for Bella and use it to lure her here,” because if that’s his master plan, then he’s the worst villain I’ve ever read. (+1 Stupidity)

 

James: *watching at his leisure in Bella’s Mom’s house and eating her popcorn* No no, that one is not NEARLY panicky enough. …No, that one doesn’t have the right intonation… Hmm… Too much background noise in that one…

 

This is probably the most boring hunt ever.

James pops in with a remote, saying it was probably better if Renee wasn’t involved. Bella agrees, which causes James to pause. He asks if Bella’s angry that she was tricked. She says that she’s not.

 

“How odd. You really mean it.” His dark eyes assessed me with interest. The irises were nearly black, just a hint of ruby around the edges. Thirsty. “I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It’s amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all.”

 

So, let me get this straight, Bella’s about to friggin’ DIE and she’s taking note of the color of his eyes?!?!? (+1 Stupidity) She further continues to take notes on James’ appearance, because looks make the person, right? James asks if Edward will come after him.

 

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.” 
”And what was his reply to that?”
 “I don’t know.” It was strangely easy to converse with this genteel hunter. “I left him a letter.”
 “How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?” His voice was just a little harder now, a hint of sarcasm marring his polite tone.
 “I hope so.”
 “Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then…”

 

Translation from Bullshit to English: This is definitely the most boring hunt ever.

James bitches about how it was too easy, and this goes on for two whole pages about how he wanted more of a challenge. (Funny, I wanted more of a PLOT.) His bitch rant turns into a full blown monologue about his diabolical plan to eat Bella. Apparently, Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James dropped by to visit, and heard the message Bella left on the answering machine (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE! (+1 Stupidity) and when he heard that Edward had hopped a plane to Phoenix, he knew that everything was going according to plan.

 

“Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?”
 He took a step back and touched a palm-sized digital video camera balanced carefully on top of the stereo. A small red light indicated that it was already running.”

 

That’s right, James is going to beat the crap out of Bella, eat her, and tape it to enjoy later- I mean, torture Edward with. (Oh, come on, you know he’s totally getting off on that later.) Now that he’s getting this on tape, he launches back into his villainous monologue, bitching about how this one fairy once totally stole his kill.

 

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked — I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans — and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. “

 

WAIT, WHAT?!?!?

 

“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.” “Alice,” I breathed, astonished.”

 

WHAT

THE

FUCK?!?!

So, let me get this straight: Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character who I kinda like, so brutal and interesting as, “she was a victim of 1920’s healthcare”, and yet the rest of this book is full of steaming mind-poison?

I feel freakin’ CHEATED. The fact that something like this happened in Twilight only makes me MADDER.

I HATE STEPHENIE MEYER.

But I digress.

You know, this is a tad ironic, but the sole interesting plot twist isn’t even historically accurate. There was a huge push decades before the 1920’s to make asylums more humane, banning methods of treatment like…electroshock therapy. So really, Meyer still sucks. (+1 Stupidity)

Also, there’s little chance that Alice would have been locked away with no access to sunlight or other people. Most likely she would have been treated by being housed with a bunch of other mentally ill and disabled people, (+1 Stupidity) and that brings me back to my point on therapy. Electroshock therapy wasn’t even invented until 1938, so there’s no way it would have been performed on Alice. (+1 Stupidity) The comment on being burned at the stake is also complete bullshit. The last of the witch burnings were well over by the 19th century. (+1 Stupidity)

And you know the sad part? This all took 5 minutes to Google. Once again, I have put more thought into this book than the actual author.

Also contradictory to this whole clusterfuck of a story, I notice that James mentions destroying the other vamp. Wait, aren’t they pretty much invulnerable? It said that Old Man Carl tried every which way to kill himself. You’d think Carl would have found the one way to off himself if he was serious about it. Now that I think about it, I’m certain he could have killed himself; he killed other vampires before he was turned, right? Why couldn’t he have had someone do the same to him? (+1 Stupidity)

James goes on to bitch some more about, “Waah, I didn’t get to eat Alice,” and figures that getting to eat Bella in exchange for Alice is fair, an I’m forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who, along with Jacob, is clearly the product of the infinite monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

After whining for a little more, James decides to get his little film rolling, He chucks her back into the mirrors, Bella breaks her leg, cuts her scalp, etcetera, etcetera. Here we go!

 

James: *throws Bella into wall* Yeah, that’s how you like it!

Bella: Owww-wait, what? I thought you were going to eat me.

James: You bet I am! *breaks Bella’s leg* Scream for me, human!

Bella: Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?

James: Yeah, I like it rough!

Bella: Are you…are you shooting a porno right now?!?

James: Hey, money’s tight these days. Gotta make a living somehow.

 

So now Bella’s blood is everywhere, and as we all know, once sharkpires smell blood they go into a frenzy, so it’s only natural that James should be having a hard time controlling himself. God, I hope he drains her dry.

I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +3

Redemption: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +264

Angst: +29

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +75

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +9

 

What this chapter should be called: We gather here today to mourn the passing of our dear plot…

Edward creep-o-meter: Still not in this chapter, thank the lord, so we’ll keep it at a 5.

 

Thankfully, this is a short chapter, somewhat negated by the fact that nothing happens. The entirety of this chapter is Bella deciding to be a selfless hero (Yeah, right.) and to just go confront the tracker on her own so that no one gets hurt. I’d be 100% behind this action if I didn’t suspect it was a colossal ruse for Edward to come riding in on his white horse and save her, because that’s all girls are good for.

Anyway, we begin with Alice drawing out another room after a vision. Bella’s such a fantastic critic (Anther one for the résumé, folks.) that she can instantly pick up on the tiny nuances of Alice’s drawing, even telling us that the wall paneling is out of date. (+1 Stupidity)

 

“The phone goes there,” I whispered, pointing.
 Two pairs of eternal eyes stared at me.”

 

Okay, seriously, what the hell’s up with Meyer and eyes? (+1 Thesaurus Rape)

DUN DAA DUNNN! It’s Mom’s house.

Alice calls up Team Hunt-Jerkoff, telling Bella that she’s going to go hide with them for awhile, and that Edward’s hopped the first plane to Phoenix to come get her.

 

“Edward is coming?” The words were like a life vest, holding my head above the flood.”

 

I’ve never quite felt as strong an urge to physically assault a fictional character before now. (+1 Angst)

Honestly, why is everyone making such a fuss? News flash, there are 7 of you and 2 of them. Why don’t you just kill them both and go on with life? It’ll solve some problems later on *coughEclipsecough* and we can stop carting the human-flavored pudding all around the country. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella starts flipping out, worrying about will Jasper or Alice or Mom get hurt and whatnot, so Jasper (Who’s been getting a lot of mileage out of his powers lately.) touches her and uses his super sparkle powers to calm the bitch down, which only pisses her off more. She snaps at him for trying to help, (+1 Bitch) and then stalks off to her room, where she sulks for 3 and a half hours. (+1 Angst) Jesus rollerblading Christ, woman!

The phone rings. Jasper is gone, checking out of the hotel. Alice lets Bella know that Edward will be in Phoenix in a few hours. The phone rings again. Oh man, Meyer, this is so tense and chilling. After a second Alice hands the phone to Bella. After a second, Alice gives Bella the phone. Turns out Bella’s mom is panicking on the other end.

 

“I sighed. I’d been expecting this, though I’d tried to make my message as unalarming as possible without lessening the urgency of it.”

 

Oh, pesky mothers and their tendency to worry when their children run away from home, screaming insults through fits of tears. (+1 Bitch)

Bella starts trying to calm her down, only to be interrupted.

 

“Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to.” The voice I heard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. It was a man’s tenor voice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heard in the background of luxury car commercials.”

 

Oh snap, it’s Generic Bad Guy, and he’s got Mom!

So, I guess this means that the illustrious Forks High was kind enough to give Bella’s records to a crazy ginger hippie lady after all. James begins walking Bella through a stilted conversation, and I’m seeing several problems on the near horizon.

 

“Now, I don’t need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as I say, and she’ll be fine.” He paused for a minute while I listened in mute horror. “That’s very good,” he congratulated. “Now repeat after me, and do try to sound natural. Please say, ‘No, Mom, stay where you are.'”
 “No, Mom, stay where you are.” My voice was barely more than a whisper.
”

 

Seriously, how is Alice falling for this? Isn’t she supposed to be watching James and Victoria, so shouldn’t she have seen this coming?(+1 Stupidity) Plus, Sparklefairies have super hearing, so shouldn’t Alice at least be able to pick up on some snatches of the voice coming through the phone? If they can hear singular heartbeats, I’m sure they can hear this. (+1 Stupidity) Even if she can’t hear it for some reason, could she not pick up on the sudden change in Bella’s voice? Sure, Bella walks in to the next room, but is Alice really so dense that she can’t look at Bella and realize, “Oh, hey, something’s not right?” (+1 Stupidity)

James then orders Bella into the other room so that her face doesn’t give her away.

 

“I shut the door behind me, trying to think clearly through the terror that gripped my brain.”

 

Uh, he’s just on the phone. He’s not right in front of you. Are you seriously not thinking about, I don’t know, maybe tipping Alice off to what’s going on? Jesus, this girl is too stupid to deserve to live. (+1 Stupidity)

James threatens Mom’s life if Bella doesn’t go to her old house. There will be a number  for her to call written on the whiteboard. Bella tearfully agrees, and accepts the fact that she’s going to die, and by now, you can probably tell how incredibly bored I am. All this has been is  Meyer flaunting the fact that she had a plot.

I can’t help but imagine James thanking Edward for training Bella into blind obedience to manly manpower after that phone call. I bet they’re off in a coffee shop somewhere, comparing tricks.

 

Edward: I can make her roll over with only one biscuit as a treat!

James: Yeah, but I can make her play dead – over the phone!

 

Well, at least she knows that there’s nothing useful she can do. Way to be a survivor. So Bella goes back out into the main room, and Alice is somehow dense enough to fall for the, “Mom wanted to come back but I told her to stay where she was.” line that Bella lays on her.

Wait a minute, I thought Bella was calling a house number in the previous chapter. Wouldn’t Mom already be in Phoenix for her to have gotten the number? How the hell is Alice falling for this? (+1 Stupidity)

Instead of actually being proactive and doing something, she decides to tearfully write a goodbye letter to Edward.

 

“I let the waves of torture wash over me, have their way for a time.”

 

RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!

LET LOOSE THE TSUNAMIS OF ANGER!!!! (+1 Angst)

So Bella goes and writes her tearful angsty goodbye/apology letter to Edward for him to read after she gets eaten. She urges him not to go after James, because that’s what the asshole wants. I love you, please, I’m sorry, don’t get hurt, etcetera etcetera.

The end.

Sweet baby Jesus on a flying unicycle, SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY.

 

Final Count:

Stupidity: +7

Angst: +3

Bitch: +2

Thesaurus Rape: +1

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +248

Angst: +27

Bitch: +77

Thesaurus Rape: +72

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8

What this chapter should be called: I’m sorry, ma’am, but we lost the plot on the operating table.

Edward creep-o-meter: He’s not in this chapter, thank the lord, but it’s still hovering around a 5.

 

This chapter is called “Impatience” which I would say, is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid Bella is. I’m impatient  that the entirety of this chapter takes place in a hotel room where absolutely nothing fucking happens. I’m impatient  that this damn book isn’t over yet.

Anyhoo, Bella comes to in a hotel room. Wait, did Edward slip her a roofie and- nope, never mind, Bella came up with a stupid plan. Cue the awkward flashback scene!

 

“I did remember the sleek black car, the glass in the windows darker than that on a limousine. The engine was almost silent, though we’d raced across the black freeways at more than twice the legal speed.”

 

Now, I want you to remember that, because it’s important. Bella mentions that she and Alice were in the backseat while Jasper drove like a maniac (Because women don’t drive in Clan Cullen.), and apparently the sun rose somewhere in California. They got to Phoenix a few hours later.

 

“I didn’t have enough emotion left to be surprised that we’d made a three-day journey in one.”

 

Are your darling Sparklefairies really so special they can cram a three-day trip into what I estimate at 12 hours, Meyer? Use Google Maps. The shortest possible route from Forks to Phoenix, a total of approximately 1,500 miles apart, takes at least 26 hours. A normal person would probably drive about 8 hours a day to make this journey, but Sparklefairies can make the trip in less than 15 hours. What the hell? (+1 Stupidity)

If my calculations didn’t convince you, let’s consider speed into this problem. For convenience’s sake, we’ll assume Jasper never stopped and drove at a constant speed of 130 mph, twice the average freeway speed limit of 65 mph. He would get there in about 11.5 hours – in a perfect world. Unfortunately, we have thing like traffic and police officers that slow us the fuck down.  (+1 Stupidity)

We already know that Jasper, while having super duper Sparklefairy reflexes, doesn’t have Edward’s psychic powers that can read the minds of radar guns and single out cops. I hate to break this to you, Meyer, but there’s no way in hell that Jasper could have driven over twice the speed limit the whole way. (+1 Stupidity)

Then we get to the point of traffic. While I’m willing to believe that there are some stretches of freeway in the more rural parts of Washington and Oregon that Jasper could have torn down without anyone giving a damn, there’s no way they could do that in California. Have any of you ever driven on any major highway in California? The traffic’s nasty as hell, the people are angry as hell, you’re scared as hell, and to put it shortly, you’re in hell. (+1 Stupidity)

Meyer, I’m calling shenanigans on this whole shitty journey. And if you think this is bad, wait until we read the part in New Moon when Alice and Bella go to Italy. (+1 Stupidity)

Whoof. So they sit in the hotel room, and Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping while Alice and Jasper wait with bated breath  (+1 Thesaurus Rape)  for Carlisle’s, “lol we killed him” call. Bella then has the sense to realize that she’s a useless blood burrito, and that maybe they should just let her get eaten.

 

“If that wild female hurts Esme…” My voice had grown higher, a note of hysteria beginning to rise in it. “How could I live with myself when it’s my fault?
 None of you should be risking yourselves for me —”

 

Haven’t I been saying this from the beginning?

During all of this totally necessary and thrilling time in the hotel room, Bella asks how vampires are made. Alice hrms on this one, seeing how Eddiekins had ordered her not to tell, figuring that Bella would jump on the first train to Sparkleville as soon as she knew how to buy a ticket.

 

“Edward doesn’t want me to tell you that,” she said firmly, but I sensed she didn’t agree.

”That’s not fair. I think I have a right to know.”

 

So Bella fishes the information out of Alice by claiming that she has the right to know, and I really don’t know how she figures that. (+1 Stupidity) Alice doesn’t want Edward to get angry, because we all know what happens when Edward gets angry. Bella literally begs, manipulating Alice into telling by saying that Alice is her friend. And we’re supposed to think people like Jessica are manipulative? (+1 Bitch)

 

“She looked at me with her splendid, wise eyes… choosing.”

 

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Oh, my head….

I’m seriously considering starting a charity to pay for Meyer’s thesaurus’s therapy. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) And what else would Alice look at Bella with? Her elbow? See, this is what editors are for. There are several ways to rewrite this sentence to make it tolerable, like:

“I looked into her splendid, wise eyes, and saw that she was choosing.”

Or even better:

“I looked into her wise, decisive eyes.”

Moral of the story: Editors are your friends. (+1 Stupidity)

I can practically taste the smartassery I’m going to be dishing out in these next few paragraphs. It’s going to be glorious. (No, not in that way.)

 

“I’ll tell you the mechanics of it,” she said finally, “but I don’t remember it myself, and I’ve never done it or seen it done, so keep in mind that I can only tell you the theory.”

 

Prediction time! Seeing as these paragraphs are going to be a short dissertation on the mechanics of vampire venom, there will be plenty of times that Meyer contradicts herself.  Hell, I bet half of this stuff won’t even make any sense.

 

“As predators, we have a glut of weapons in our physical arsenal — much, much more than really necessary. The strength, the speed, the acute senses, not to mention those of us like Edward, Jasper, and
 I, who have extra senses as well. And then, like a carnivorous flower, we are physically attractive to our prey.”

 

Bella takes a moment and remembers that Edward demonstrated that concept back in the meadow scene.

Now, let the games begin!

First off, I’m shocked Meyer had the literary balls to admit her characters are loaded down with powers that really aren’t necessary. Hell, next thing I know she’ll be admitting Bella is a giant self-insert.

Then we get to the carnivorous flowers. First, there is no such thing. Meyer probably meant carnivorous plants, but those plants are not flowers. That’s like confusing a petunia with a pine tree. Yes, they’re both flora, but that doesn’t make them interchangeable. (+1 Stupidity) I’ll give her some credit, because there are carnivorous plants that use color to lure in their prey, but most rely on chemical secretions and smell. It would make a helluva lot more sense if Plot Device elaborated on the whole smell thing, because I distinctly remember way back in chapter 9 where we deduced that Sparklepeen must gargle with cologne or something. (+1 Stupidity)

Oh, and what the hell is up with this whole attraction thing? I seem to remember that everyone stayed as far away as possible from the Cullens in school, so is attracted code for repulsed, or what? Consistency, Meyer, consistency!!! (+1 Stupidity)

Alice then points out the most obvious thing ever about vampires: they’re venomous.

 

“The venom doesn’t kill — it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”

 

*stares*

 

“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the
bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison
 spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”

 

Yeah, the venom totes doesn’t kill you, IT JUST TURNS YOU INTO A FRIGGIN’ FAIRY. But it does cause your heart to stop, effectively turning you…undead. So while you’re really not dead, in all technicality, your heart isn’t beating, so you are. Confused? Thanks, Meyer. (+1 Stupidity)

And the only response to pain is totally just to lie there. (Given Bella’s actions in New Moon, Meyer is a firm advocate of this.) Pain most deffs isn’t a motivator or anything. (+1 Stupidity)

Then there’s the deal with the actual venom. Since Meyer never specifies, I’ll have to assume that it’s transmitted through bodily fluids, which means that Bedward shouldn’t be able to even kiss without her becoming infected, if the venom really is as potent as Alice claims. (+1 Stupidity) Of course, if we follow that logic, Edward’s very sperm  should be venomous, but I don’t have enough brain bleach to go into that discussion.

Jesus Christ, a rabid honey badger on a 3-day coke binge could have wrote a better explanation of vampire venom.

And, Christ on a telephone pole, while Edward and Esme were lying in the hospital for 3 days totally not in enormous amounts of pain, how did no one notice? Or are you telling me that Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and absolutely no one noticed Carlisle dragging the pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue? (+1 Stupidity) Actually,I take it back, that would make a lot of sense, because he probably passed his creepy ways down to Edward.

Alice goes on some more about how fairies are like sharks, which I’m really not paying attention to because I’m trying to imagine what this book would be like if it really was written by a rabid, coked-up honey badger. (Probably better than it is now.)

Alice then has a sudden vision of a…ballet studio. Wow, Meyer, you just keep throwing me for a loop here. Well, at least it’s something less boring to break this already boring narrative. Maybe we’ll find out who thought it was a good idea to enroll Bella in the ballet lessons that resulted in that crippling inner-ear injury.

Apparently, this means that the tracker’s plans have changed, meaning Team Hunt-Jerkoff obviously wasn’t on top of things. (Oh, come on, Carlisle’s first choice in a companion was a teenage boy. You can’t tell me that there’s not something going on there.) JUST THEN Carlisle calls with the, “lol we fucked up u mad bro?” call, so Plot Device really isn’t useful as much as she is repetitive. I imagine that the supposed interaction between Team Hunt-Jerkoff and James went down like a badly matched Pokémon battle.

 

Notification: BADFAIRIES want to battle!

– BADFAIRIES  sent out JAMES!

– JAMES used TRACK!…It’s very effective!

– GOODFAIRIES sent out DREW BREES!

– DREW BREES used TACKLE!…It’s super effective!

– GOODFAIRIES sent out CARLISLE!

– CARLISLE used COMPASSION!…It’s not very effective.

– GOODFAIRIES sent out  EDWARD THE CREEPER!

– EDWARD THE CREEPER  used SPARKLE!

–  JAMES has fainted from laughter!

– BADFAIRIES have run away.

 

Anyways, Alice passes the phone to Bella so she can gush over Edward a little more. (Gack.)

 

“Hello?” I breathed.
 “Bella,” Edward said.
 “Oh, Edward! I was so worried.”

 

Oh, adding “oh” to the beginning of something immediately makes it sound passionate and loving! Oh, who the hell talks like that? Oh, I fucking hate this book! (+1 Stupidity)

 

“It was so unbelievably good to hear his voice. I felt the hovering cloud of despair lighten and drift back as he spoke.”

 

Hovering cloud of despair? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, but my rolling thunderstorm of snarkery isn’t standing for that. (+1 Angst)

Bella manages not to orgasm at the sound of Edward’s voice long enough for him to mention that Victoria (The ginger lady.) has been trolling around Forks trying to dig up dirt on Bella, which sounds like an episode of Desperate Housewives gone horribly wrong. Nobody’s hurt, though, because that would cause tension and therefore be unacceptable. Sparklepeen hangs up, and stupid Bella reverts to emo mode.

 

“As soon as the phone went dead, the cloud of depression began to creep over me again.
”

 

Pardon me while I send a tornado of doom to sprint Bella’s way. (+1 Angst)

Turns out the aforementioned ballet studio is right down the street from Bella’s mom’s house in Phoenix, and suddenly Bella is all concerned that Vickie got a hold of Bella’s school records. Yeah, because Forks is such a singularly idiotic town that the school office would just hand over Bella’s records to a ginger hippie lady with leaves in her hair. (+1 Stupidity)

So Bella decides to call her mom, but after a few rings she falls asleep because apparently this chapter was so boring that even she couldn’t take it.

James, I’m counting on you to eat this bitch.

Final Count:

Stupidity: +16

Angst: +2

Bitch: +1

Thesaurus Rape: +2

 

Total Count:

Stupidity: +241

Angst: +24

Bitch: +75

Thesaurus Rape: +71

Eye Rape: +12

Cream Count: +28

Red Flag: +68

Redemption: +8