Archive for the ‘Twilight’ Category

The Breaking Dawn Recap

Posted: November 27, 2013 in Twilight
Tags: ,

A Six-Sentence Summary:

Bella and Edward get married, because of course, and take their honeymoon on an exotic private island, where Eddie knocks Bella up. This shouldn’t be possible, and the baby is some sort of monster who nearly kills Bella in utero, then does enough damage on delivery to force Ed-wad to vamp Bella up. Oh, and there’s some werewolf drama, which culminates in Jacob abandoning his pack so he can fall in love with Bella’s baby, which I think we can all agree is hella creepy. After the half-vampire baby is born, it is named Renesmee and it is adorable, until Denali vamp Irina mistakes her for an immortal child, and reports her to the Volturi, who will kill the baby and all the Cullens. In response, the Cullens call in good vamps from around the world to form an army of their own to battle the Volturi, while Alice pulls a uselessly tricky stunt that involves going to Brazil. Of course, when the Volturi show up, there’s no actual battle, and everyone lives happily ever after, lah dee fuckin’ dah.

Chapter 39: The Happily Ever After

Posted: November 13, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE


Chapters left: 0
*This may be the last chapter, but there’s still more! Don’t forget to come back for the book recap and the series recap!*
I made it to the end. I did it! This here is the last chapter of this atrocity of a book and miserable excuse for a series! And I could not have done it without you guys. So, thank you, for your commentary, horror, discussion on Samifer fanfiction, and for correcting me when I’m wrong. Thank you so much.
I have slogged through this book series for over two years (the very first post on this blog was, holy shit, July 30, 2011) and I am about to be done. You can’t possibly comprehend how heavenly this feels. I can taste my freedom, and it tastes like pegasus tears mixed with airplane ginger ale and rainbow sprinkles, made from actual rainbows, poured into a bejewled golden chalice and served to me by a naked Misha Collins. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I turn the book’s final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. I made it, and after this review, I’m going to celebrate by deleting the Breaking Wind PDF from my computer while eating mini Reese’s Cups by the fistfuls. 

What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.

Fucks I give: *brain explodes*
Chapters left: 1
So, when we left off last week, all my hope of there actually being a battle had been dashed into little bite-sized pieces. The day has been saved. Renesmee is not the only one of her kind. My least favorite character, whose name rhymes with “callus,” has returned. Every sentence I wrote in this review made my ankles throb in rage.
Alice “dances” (+1 Thesaurus Rape) into the clearing with a bunch of newcomers, with Jasper close behind. One of the newbies is clearly Kachiri, the missing Amazon, but the other two are far more mysterious.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Both newcomers get eye descriptions and gushing details of their beauty, so I assume they’re on our team. (+1 Cream Count) Huh. Too bad. 
Before I go any further, I need to understand Alice’s big plan: go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice. That’s it. This is what she couldn’t tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.

Fucks I give: -362873
Chapters left: 1
This is it! The second-to-last chapter is right here. I am so excited!
Just kidding. I read this chapter three times before I started writing my review and I’m still as confused as a giraffe watching Inception. See, a lot of you warned me in the comments last chapter (which I valiantly tried to ignore and failed) that there was no battle. And you were right. No one got hurt. No one died. Emmett did not shoot anyone with his fear rifle. 
This chapter gargled hobo balls.
But yeah. I really tried to figure this chapter out. I tried to understand how the crisis was averted and everyone walked away like best buds who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. My only explanation is that perhaps my online copy glitched and left out the pages where Bella discovers a magic lampshade and somehow uses it to wish away all danger. I could be just an idiot. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, “done!” as she handed in her manuscript.

Chapter 27: Travel Plans

Posted: August 6, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: Something is wrong with your damn kid
Fucks I give: Potato

Let’s get this over with.


“I took mythology a lot more seriously since I’d become a vampire. Often, when I looked back over my first three months as an immortal, I imagined how the thread of my life might look in the Fates’ loom—who knew but that it actually existed?”


Bella waxes on about what her family would look like as threads. She and the other sparklepires would be reds and golds, while the werewolves would be warm, earthy tones. Why we care about this, I have no idea. Most likely because Meyer assumes we’ve just been sucked into the Bella-Vortex.

Speaking of the Bella-Vortex, both Sue and Leah Clearwater have been sucked into it as of late, befriending Chuck in order to smooth his transition in to the supernatural. Oh, and Bella says that the main pattern in her life tapestry is “happiness.” Gag.

But the important part of this chapter is that we have now fast-forwarded three months, but for some reason, we’re getting an overly-detailed recap on everything. Jacob and his pack have stuck around, much to Leah’s displeasure. Jasper still hovers over Bella because he’s jealous of her sweet superpower of not eating people. This annoys the shit out of Bella (almost as much as her being “alive” annoys everybody who reads this series). Renesmee has also grown quite significantly.

Chapter 26: Shiny

Posted: July 30, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: WTF is up with these chapter names?
Fucks I give: 0


Shocker: like the three before it, nothing happens in this chapter.

Like I said, shocker.

This chapter is really just a bumblefuck of words about sparkling and being dazzling. The fact that Bella is pretty is literally the entire premise of this chapter. Boom. Done.

But I would not be myself if I didn’t slog through every tortuous sentence.



“I don’t know how much we should tell Renée about this,” Charlie said, hesitating with one foot out the door. He stretched, and then his stomach growled. I nodded. “I know. I don’t want to freak her out. Better to protect her. This stuff isn’t for the fainthearted.”


Charlie is still reeling from the news that his daughter is a supernatural creature. and by “reeling,” I mean, “watching a lot of sports and going to get food.” He agrees that they should keep Bella’s monster makeover from Renee, and is otherwise okay with things. I wonder what he thinks happened to Bella. Is he just assuming that she hit second puberty or got struck by wizard lightning? (+1 Stupidity)

Chapter 25: Favor

Posted: July 23, 2013 in Twilight

What this chapter should be called: Sex is better than caring for kids
Fucks I give: -5


We begin with Bella suddenly needing to be maternal and take care of her child over having wild sex with Edweird. She’s not too happy about this. Let me give you the first few sentences of this chapter, just to put things in perspective:


“It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities. It took him just one word. “Renesmee . . .” I sighed.”


And I laughed my ass off.

Bella truly is the worst, isn’t she? She sighs like this baby is a burden – a three day-old burden! I mean, on the very next page, Bella looks toward the Cullen house and then back at naked Edward, and honestly can’t decide if she’d rather see her daughter or have sex. (+1 Bitch) Edward reminds her it’s okay, they’ll have all night to sex it up.


“It’s all about balance, love. You’re so good at all of this, I don’t imagine it will take too long to put everything in perspective.” “And we have all night, right?” He smiled wider. “Do you think I could bear to let you get dressed now if that weren’t the case?” That would have to be enough to get me through the daylight hours.”


Bella, honey, you aren’t choosing between going to Disneyland and eating a plate of cauliflower dipped in cough syrup. This is your daughter. The one you were willing to die for, remember? You only reminded us, like, 493,583,329,400 times! What the hell happened to that?? (+1 Stupidity)