A Six-Sentence Summary:
Archive for the ‘Twilight’ Category
What this chapter should be called: I’M FREE, I’M FREE, I’M FINALLY FREE
Fucks I give: NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Oh God why, Stupidity, Twilight, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Biggest. Ass-pull. Ever.
“The next was a small olive-toned female vampire with a long braid of black hair bobbing against her back. Her deep burgundy eyes flitted nervously around the confrontation before her. And the last was a young man… not quite as fast nor quite as fluid in his run. His skin was an impossible rich, dark brown. His wary eyes flashed across the gathering, and they were the color of warm teak. His hair was black and braided, too, like the woman’s, though not as long. He was beautiful. As he neared us, a new sound sent shock waves through the watching crowd—the sound of another heartbeat, accelerated with exertion.”
Tags: Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn, Edward Cullen, Fail, Stupidity, Twilight, Twilight sucks, Vampires, Werewolves
What this chapter should be called: Lamest. Battle. Ever.
What this chapter should be called: Something is wrong with your damn kid
Fucks I give: Potato
Let’s get this over with.
“I took mythology a lot more seriously since I’d become a vampire. Often, when I looked back over my first three months as an immortal, I imagined how the thread of my life might look in the Fates’ loom—who knew but that it actually existed?”
Bella waxes on about what her family would look like as threads. She and the other sparklepires would be reds and golds, while the werewolves would be warm, earthy tones. Why we care about this, I have no idea. Most likely because Meyer assumes we’ve just been sucked into the Bella-Vortex.
Speaking of the Bella-Vortex, both Sue and Leah Clearwater have been sucked into it as of late, befriending Chuck in order to smooth his transition in to the supernatural. Oh, and Bella says that the main pattern in her life tapestry is “happiness.” Gag.
But the important part of this chapter is that we have now fast-forwarded three months, but for some reason, we’re getting an overly-detailed recap on everything. Jacob and his pack have stuck around, much to Leah’s displeasure. Jasper still hovers over Bella because he’s jealous of her sweet superpower of not eating people. This annoys the shit out of Bella (almost as much as her being “alive” annoys everybody who reads this series). Renesmee has also grown quite significantly.
What this chapter should be called: WTF is up with these chapter names?
Fucks I give: 0
Shocker: like the three before it, nothing happens in this chapter.
Like I said, shocker.
This chapter is really just a bumblefuck of words about sparkling and being dazzling. The fact that Bella is pretty is literally the entire premise of this chapter. Boom. Done.
But I would not be myself if I didn’t slog through every tortuous sentence.
“I don’t know how much we should tell Renée about this,” Charlie said, hesitating with one foot out the door. He stretched, and then his stomach growled. I nodded. “I know. I don’t want to freak her out. Better to protect her. This stuff isn’t for the fainthearted.”
Charlie is still reeling from the news that his daughter is a supernatural creature. and by “reeling,” I mean, “watching a lot of sports and going to get food.” He agrees that they should keep Bella’s monster makeover from Renee, and is otherwise okay with things. I wonder what he thinks happened to Bella. Is he just assuming that she hit second puberty or got struck by wizard lightning? (+1 Stupidity)
What this chapter should be called: Sex is better than caring for kids
Fucks I give: -5
We begin with Bella suddenly needing to be maternal and take care of her child over having wild sex with Edweird. She’s not too happy about this. Let me give you the first few sentences of this chapter, just to put things in perspective:
“It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities. It took him just one word. “Renesmee . . .” I sighed.”
And I laughed my ass off.
Bella truly is the worst, isn’t she? She sighs like this baby is a burden – a three day-old burden! I mean, on the very next page, Bella looks toward the Cullen house and then back at naked Edward, and honestly can’t decide if she’d rather see her daughter or have sex. (+1 Bitch) Edward reminds her it’s okay, they’ll have all night to sex it up.
“It’s all about balance, love. You’re so good at all of this, I don’t imagine it will take too long to put everything in perspective.” “And we have all night, right?” He smiled wider. “Do you think I could bear to let you get dressed now if that weren’t the case?” That would have to be enough to get me through the daylight hours.”
Bella, honey, you aren’t choosing between going to Disneyland and eating a plate of cauliflower dipped in cough syrup. This is your daughter. The one you were willing to die for, remember? You only reminded us, like, 493,583,329,400 times! What the hell happened to that?? (+1 Stupidity)