Archive for the ‘Eclipse’ Category

Well, let me start off by saying, holy fuck, you guys are good guessers. Congratulations to the winners of the glower/murmur contest: William, who was only one glower off with a guess of 17 glowers, and Liz, who was one murmur off with a guess of 92. You go, guys! You both keep your eyes peeled; something special will show up in your emails sometime.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled recap, for those of you who were too lazy to read the actual chapter reviews.



What this chapter should be called: Jacob is quadruple sad
Jacob angst-o-meter: 11


Whoa! Out of fucking nowhere, Bella has stopped narrating this book. She’s probably reading Wuthering Heights or talking about passion. (Or both. You never know.) I’m going to go ahead and say that this is a good thing, though, because now the book is being narrated by Jacob.

I expected this to be a refreshing change of pace. Sadly, Jacob’s mind is pathetically similar to Bella’s. You’ll see.Jacob is sitting on one of the La Push cliffs, being bothered by whiny Leah. He’s feeling pretty miserable about the whole Bella thing. So is Leah, because Jacob’s thoughts have been rubbing off on the entire pack, making everyone else sad and mopey. So, Leah is here to try and make Jake snap out of it. Ha, so do I!


“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to me ? I don’t even like Bella Swan. And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that might be a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that ?”


Thank you, Leah! I can’t stand the mopey, bitter Jacob either. If Jacob is like this all of Breaking Dawn, the only way I’m going to survive is if there are pirates, who are somehow also robots, involved.

What this chapter should be called: Wants
Edward creep-o-meter: 3


So, a certain character in this book isn’t handling the end of a relationship very well. (Hint: It’s not Mike.) Yes, folks, Bella is double-sad because she just dumped Jacob.


“I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought — the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.”


Why is Bella so torn up about this? Every page of New Moon and well over 75% of the pages in this book have been dedicated to the fact that Bella cannot function without Eddiekins. Bella and Jacob weren’t even going out in the first place. This was less of a dump than it was a slight drop. (+1 Angst)

Bella has a meltdown in her truck, But luckily, deus ex Alice has a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and Edward appears not a minute later. Does anyone else think it’s creepy that Edward can just pop up anywhere? I’m starting to think he really does just follow Bella around 24/7. Edward just starts driving; not saying anything while Bella blubbers about how she wants warm fuzzies instead of cold clammies. Boo fucking hoo. You had your chance, Bella, and you passed it up. Stop making everyone else as miserable as you. (+1 Angst)

What this chapter should be called: Jacob’s still awesome
Edward creep-o-meter: 4

I’m going to make this short and sweet, because at this point I am so fucking done with Eclipse. I mean, I have Breaking Dawn to look forward to, where I’m told everything makes perfect sense and I shall have nothing to criticize. So, let’s get on with it, shall we?

This chapter is essentially a heart-to-heart between Bella and Jacob for about 20 unnecessary pages. We segue in to this with Bella being primped by Alice at Chez Cullen. Alice’s counter is strewn with cosmetics, and since obviously none of the Cullens need them (unless Jasper’s really in to drag or something) Alice must think that Bella is ugly. Perfect logic, my dear. (+1 Stupidity)

Alice is attempting to help Bella relax, but the dummy won’t stop worrying about Jacob. She can’t go see him yet because…I don’t know why. (Wizard lightning?) Alice says that Charlie needs to be kept in the dark, so Bella needs to go home and act like a good little Cullen-to-be. Why can’t she go see Jacob and then go lie to Charlie some more? Seems like it wouldn’t make a difference to me. (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Why are there still 2 chapters after this?
Edward creep-o-meter: 5


Well, folks, we are nearing the end of the crapfest that has been Eclipse. This chapter here is pretty much the last one with any real substance, and yet somehow, there are still 2 more chapters after this. There are some things I am never going to understand, and Stephenie Meyer’s writing is one of them.

Let’s just read this chapter, okay? Finding the courage to dive in to one of these things is kind of like ripping off a band-aid. A band-aid that’s practically fused to your skin, stuck to your hair, and to top it off, the majority of your wound is adhered to the sticky part instead of the nice little cotton pad.

Bella is being all sad and shocked, while Edward and and Seth pick up vampire pieces and put them in a pile.


“I didn’t have time to recover before both he and Seth were back, Edward with his arms full of Riley. Seth was carrying a large chunk — the torso — in his mouth. They added their burden to the pile, and Edward pulled a silver rectangle from his pocket. He flipped open the butane lighter and held the flame to the dry tinder. ”


So, Seth has Riley’s torso in his freaking mouth? That can’t taste good. Then again, I wonder if a werewolf would eat a vampire. Not for the taste, but just out of spite. Kind of like the way I always start with the head of the gummy bear.

What this chapter should be called: Seth saves the day
Edward creep-o-meter: 3

This chapter pisses me off. More than normal, I mean. Mostly because Meyer spends most of her time painting darling Eddiekins as a big damn hero, while in fact, this book’s climax was made possible by a character who only became important last chapter.

That’s right, sparklemongers, Seth is totally the hero in this chapter.

And no one gives a damn.

But more on Super Seth later. Right now, Bella is in her sleeping bag, waiting for an avalanche or the newborns or something equally nasty to come and put her out of her misery. (+1 Angst) Out of nowhere, Sparklepeen pops up to stroke Bella’s hair and generally be useless.


“Are you all right?” he murmured, his voice anxious. “No. I want to die.” “That will never happen. I won’t allow it.” I groaned and then whispered, “You might change your mind about that.”


Eddie reads Seth’s mind, and Bella realizes that the whole pack now knows about the snogfest. Well, duh, Belly. How come you are always reminding us how cool Edward is, yet you constantly forget everything about werewolves? (+1 Stupidity)

What this chapter should be called: Fun with force-kissing
Edward creep-o-meter, now factoring in douchebagginess: 7


Well, folks, I’m not exactly sure what to say here. This book, which has been about as predictable as a bus schedule, threw me for a bit of a loop. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to get it over with: the end of this chapter is four whole pages of Jacob and Bella making out. Really. And afterwards, Bella sobs because of her pathetic mixed emotions, and I sobbed because this chapter made about as much sense as my drunken uncle’s frequent “congressmen are secretly lizard-people from Jupiter” tirades.

Ugh. It’s the morning after the sleeping bag snuggle party. Edward makes some quip about the space heater not being necessary. Bella tries to wiggle out of Jacob’s grasp, and is about as successful as you would think. Edward responds by unzipping the sleeping bag, which dumps Jacob on the cold ground. Shenanigans ensue.


“Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the icy floor of the tent. “Hey!” he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me. And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.”


Um, okay. First, wouldn’t unzipping the sleeping bag just result in Jacob kind of slowly rolling out? (+1 Stupidity) Also, Edward, you dickhead, why didn’t you just wake Jacob up? (+1 Red Flag) Lastly, I imagine I’m supposed to be impressed by Edward throwing Jacob across the tent, but as stated last chapter, unless this is one of those tents from Harry Potter, Sparklepeen only threw Wolfballs about six inches. (+1 Stupidity)

Whoof. When a bunch of obviously stupid things come at me all at once, I get a little flustered. Give me a minute.