Chapter 37: Contrivances

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
What this chapter should be called: Conveniences (and bad writing)
Fucks I give: There are no words
Chapters left: 2

I am so close to being done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In four short weeks, I will be free of Twilight for all eternity. As boring and tedious as it is, it can’t get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?


So very, very wrong.

“Caius began arguing with Aro at once. “How can you abide this infamy? Why do we stand here impotently in the face of such an outrageous crime, covered by such a ridiculous deception?” He held his arms rigidly at his sides, his hands curled into claws. I wondered why he did not just touch Aro to share his opinion.”

Oh, silly Bella. Caius doesn’t mind-zap his thoughts to Aro because the current situation requires it. Duh. (+1 Stupidity) Anyways, brace yourselves: this is the first of many speeches and tirades and other actions that don’t involve punching things. It’s all very bland. I could probably sum it up for you right now, actually.

Aro: The baby isn’t a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Maybe we should kill it.
Garrett: Don’t kill it.
Aro: I’ll think about it.
Marcus: I’ll help by writing insightful tweets regarding Jennifer Lawrence’s relationships.

There. That’s it. Am I done now?
Ugh, fine. Have it your way.
“I glanced at the angry mob, too, and saw immediately that the description no longer applied. The frenzy for action had turned to confusion. Whispered conversations seethed through the crowd as they tried to make sense of what had happened.”
The Volturi mob begins to grow anxious and confused. They came for blood, and now all they’re getting is boring talk. Yawn. Caius and Aro look for new reasons to destroy the Cullens, while Marcus publishes a snarky blog post about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s breakup. When Caius’ attention turns to the werewolves, Bella has a panic attack: they’re not protected under her shield!
“I was about to reach out to them when I realize that, strangely, I could still feel their sparks. Curious, I drew the shield tighter in, until Amun and Kebi—the farthest edge of our group—were outside with the wolves. Once they were on the other side, their lights vanished. They no longer existed to that new sense. But the wolves were still bright flames—or rather, half of them were. Hmm… I edged outward again, and as soon as Sam was under cover, all the wolves were brilliant sparks again. Their minds must have been more interconnected than I’d imagined. If the Alpha was inside my shield, the rest of their minds were every bit as protected as his.”
Bella marvels at her superpower (+1 Thesaurus Rape) for another paragraph, and then this book gets weird. Like, completely wacky. And not the fun kind, either. The kind where there is now a bruise on my forehead because I couldn’t resist the urge to slam it against the table. With two sentences, Meyer changes her mind about everything she’s written in the last two books. Those werewolves? Well, JK, LOL, they’re not really werewolves.
“Will you defend that alliance, too, Aro?” Caius demanded. “The Children of the Moon have been our bitter enemies from the dawn of time. We have hunted them to near extinction in Europe and Asia. Yet Carlisle encourages a familiar relationship with this enormous infestation—no doubt in an attempt to overthrow us. The better to protect his warped lifestyle.” Edward cleared his throat loudly and Caius glared at him. Aro placed one thin, delicate hand over his own face as if he was embarrassed for the other ancient. “Caius, it’s the middle of the day,” Edward pointed out. He gestured to Jacob. “These are not Children of the Moon, clearly. They bear no relation to your enemies on the other side of the world.”
There are real werewolves. They live in Europe, transform under the full moon, and are true enemies of the vampires. But Jacob and his pack aren’t really werewolves. They are shape-shifters. Read this paragraph a dozen times. It still won’t make sense. (+5 Stupidity) 
This is just so – ARGH! GAH! WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK? Meyer has been fucking LYING to us for THREE GODDAMN BOOKS! “Convenient” isn’t even the proper word for this shoddy prose. “Pukey” is more appropriate. Had Meyer written Romeo and Juliet, it would have ended with Romeo saying, “Oh, by the way, I’m not really a Montague. I’m a Bradbury. So there is absolutely no problem with our relationship. Also? My fingernails cure leprosy.”
Whatever shreds of respect I had for Meyer just got flushed down the shitter. This is bad – no, this is fuckin’ terrible – writing. There is no excuse or explanation. She’s changing the story at the last minute because she’s bored and she thinks her readers are idiots who won’t be consumed by flames of rage and hatred fanned straight out of Hell by Lucifer himself at this terrible, terrible addition. This is a story-telling technique used by little kids as they yammer on about a made up tale, quickly adding in new bits of information as needed. (+1 Stupidity) Example courtesy of the little girl I babysat yesterday:
“And the dragon was really a bunny and the bunny ran away and then the princess got married and then there was a magic balloon that she could float on because it was her birthday and she had magic powers on her birthday and she went to Candyland because that’s where the magic wand was and she was also a movie star. And the bunny’s name was Tim. The end.”

“Dear Caius, I would have warned you not to press this point if you had told me your thoughts,” Aro murmured. “Though the creatures think of themselves as werewolves, they are not. The more accurate name for them would be shapeshifters. The choice of a wolf form was purely chance. It could have been a bear or a hawk or a panther when the first change was made. “


It’s just, I can’t even explain how much this bothers me. I wouldn’t be so pissed if this had been even vaguely hinted at before, and not just Meyer pulling it out of her ass. There’s just so, SO many problems with this! Like, if they aren’t really werewolves, why do they act like wolves? Why do they respect the alpha male, just as wolves do? Why are they so similar to werewolves? They look like werewolves. They act like werewolves. Aren’t they werewolves? If a man fixed cars his whole live, wouldn’t he be a mechanic? Nope. Stephenie Meyer would call him a Metal Sorcerer, and he would probably fall in love with a deflated balloon.

And to make things even MORE confusing, Cauis talks to Irina about why she was spying on the Cullens in the first place.

“I want to talk to the informant,” Caius announced abruptly, and turned his glare on Irina. Irina wasn’t paying attention to Caius and Aro’s conversation; her face was twisted in agony, her eyes locked on her sisters, lined up to die. It was clear on her face that she knew now her accusation had been totally false.”

Irina’s reasoning for being pissed at the Cullens basically boils down to “werewolves killed my boy toy but the Cullens wouldn’t let me kill all the werewolves.” Caius can’t attack the Cullens for being friends with the were – sorry, SHAPESHIFTERS – because there are no laws governing that. But Aro also says they can’t attack just because the shifters killed a bunch of vampires. Huh? Surely the Volturi would find that reason enough to attack, even if the wolves are not true werewolves. If you’re fighting a war with Sweden, and a Norwegian man kills your brother, are you going to say, “Damn. I would attack that Norwegian man, but since he’s not Swedish, there’s nothing I can do. Would you like some tea and biscuits, Norwegian Man?” (+1 Stupidity) 
Ugh. Back to Irina. Caius urges her to lodge a formal complaint against the were-shifters, but Irina declines.
“Maybe Caius didn’t understand real families—relationships based on love rather than just the love of power. Maybe he overestimated the potency of vengeance. Irina’s jaw jerked up, her shoulders squared. “No, I have no complaint against the wolves, or the Cullens. You came here today to destroy an immortal child. No immortal child exists. This was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it. But the Cullens are innocent, and you have no reason to still be here.”
Sure, Bella. Caius doesn’t understand family. You know, REAL families. The ones that get married just so they can bang, have terminally ill babies that everyone else takes care of, and has weird pedophilic love quadrangles. You know, families?. (+1 Stupidity)
Caius’ response to this is to signal to some other Volturi members with a flashy object, and then they RIP IRINA APART. No joke.
“Three of the Volturi soldiers leaped forward, and Irina was completely obscured by their gray cloaks. In the same instant, a horrible metallic screeching ripped through the clearing. Caius slithered into the center of the gray melee, and the shocking squealing sound exploded into a startling upward shower of sparks and tongues of flame. The soldiers leaped back from the sudden inferno, immediately retaking their places in the guard’s perfectly straight line.”
Well, at least someone dies in this book. That’s good. But let’s see if I understand the Volturi’s legal system:
1. If you tell a human that vampires exist, the punishment is a free trip to Italy followed by a mild warning, super powers, and immortality.
2. If you are a wolf-like creature who kills vampires, the punishment is nothing, as long as you’re not really a werewolf.
3. If you report what could be a serious breach of vampire law, you are brutally torn apart and burned to death in front of your family.
Seems fair. (+1 Stupidity)
Caius’ actions have the desired effect: Kate and Tanya lunge forward, consumed by rage at seeing their sister killed. This is is! The epic battle is beginning!
Hah, nope. Totally fucking with you.

“Tanya’s shoulders hunched with grief, and she leaned into Carlisle for support. Kate was finally still. Carlisle and Garrett continued to console the sisters with words too urgent to sound like comfort.”

Everyone is able to restrain Tanya and Kate, despite the fact that Kate is basically a walking tazer. Carlisle calms them down with words of infinite wisdom: if they avenge their sister, everyone will die. So Kate and Tanya restrain themselves and I still have two more chapters to read. Sigh.
Caius feels let down. He wants a reason to kill the Cullens. Aro, who is still a cool villain despite his affinity for hand holding, has a more subtle way to detonate the fury of his witnesses. He speaks to the vampires, asking them for opinions on what should be done with the creepy mutant baby, which leads into a lengthy spiel about the necessity of secrecy as we listen to everyone’s opinion on Renesmee. Amun is up first.

“I did not come to make judgments,” he equivocated. Aro laughed lightly. “Just your opinion.” Amun’s chin lifted. “I see no danger in the child. She learns even more swiftly than she grows.”

Amun and his mate take the hell off after he’s done witnessing, and Aro moves on to Siobhan.

“Siobhan inclined her head, waiting. “And you?” he asked. “Would you answer my questions the same way Amun has?” “I would,” Siobhan said. “But I would perhaps add a little more. Renesmee understands the limitations. She’s no danger to humans—she blends in better than we do. She poses no threat of exposure.”

Once again, no one has the balls or sense to suggest the whole deal is a non-problem, because Renesmee will most likely be dead by next year, because her parents are wangsty assholes who would rather screw than care for their child. Eventually, Aro decides no law has been broken – but wait! That doesn’t mean there isn’t any danger. Cue long, winded speech about humans and technological advances that really has no place in this chapter. (+1 Stupidity)

“For thousands and thousands of years, our secrecy has been more a matter of convenience, of ease, than of actual safety. This last raw, angry century has given birth to weapons of such power that they endanger even immortals. Now our status as mere myth in truth protects us from these weak creatures we hunt. “This amazing child”—he lifted his hand palm down as if to rest it on Renesmee, though he was forty yards from her now, almost within the Volturi formation again—“if we could but know her potential—know with absolute certainty that she could always remain shrouded within the obscurity that protects us. But we know nothing of what she will become!”

And now things get interesting. As in, “makes no sense and is terrible writing.” Garrett steps up, and boldly tells the Volturi to fuck off. Seriously. Read this speech. It’s long but it’s beautiful.

“These ancient ones did not come here for justice as they told you. We suspected as much, and now it has been proved. They came, misled, but with a valid excuse for their action. Witness now as they seek flimsy excuses to continue their true mission. Witness them struggle to find a justification for their true purpose—to destroy this family here.” He gestured toward Carlisle and Tanya. “The Volturi come to erase what they perceive as the competition. Perhaps, like me, you look at this clan’s golden eyes and marvel. They are difficult to understand, it’s true. But the ancient ones look and see something besides their strange choice. They see power.”

And so the big moment of this book, and the entire series, has nothing to do with Edward, Bella, or Jacob, and instead a little-known vampire we first met a few chapters ago gets to be the hero. Because THAT is quality writing. (Not to mention the fact that he suddenly speaks all stiffly when in the last chapters his dialogue was almost normal. (+1 Thesaurus Rape))
“Carlisle assured us all, when he told us what was coming, that he did not call us here to fight. These witnesses”—Garrett pointed to Siobhan and Liam—“agreed to give evidence, to slow the Volturi advance with their presence so that Carlisle would get the chance to present his case. “But some of us wondered”—his eyes flashed to Eleazar’s face—“if Carlisle having truth on his side would be enough to stop the so-called justice. Are the Volturi here to protect the safety of our secrecy, or to protect their own power? Did they come to destroy an illegal creation, or a way of life? Could they be satisfied when the danger turned out to be no more than a misunderstanding? Or would they push the issue without the excuse of justice? “We have the answer to all these questions. We heard it in Aro’s lying words—we have one with a gift of knowing such things for certain—and we see it now in Caius’s eager smile. Their guard is just a mindless weapon, a tool in their masters’ quest for domination.”
Yep. A character we met, like, four chapters ago is the pivotal player. Not anyone we really care about. Just a unimportant side character who we know absolutely nothing about. Wouldn’t this scene have worked better if one of the characters we knew made the impassioned speech? Hell, if Mike Newton showed up and convinced the vampires of the Volturi’s corruption, I would have felt something. Or if Emmett killed all of them with nothing but a ballpoint pen and a lawn mower. But Garrett? Who the shit is Garrett? (+1 Stupidity)
And Garrett’s speech is fuckin’ powerful- half of the Volturi’s witnesses dart out of the clearing. It’s now 37 vs. the Volturi, which means Aro needs to have yet another team huddle. Bella begins to sense trouble and puts Nessie on Jacob’s shoulders, preparing to say goodbye.
“This was it. Carefully, I loosened Renesmee’s arms from my neck. “You remember what I told you?” Tears welled in her eyes, but she nodded. “I love you,” she whispered. Edward was watching us now, his topaz eyes wide. Jacob stared at us from the corner of his big dark eye. “I love you, too,” I said, and then I touched her locket. “More than my own life.” I kissed her forehead.
It’s all very touching and cheesy. I think I’ve said more heartfelt goodbyes to my socks when they’re so riddled with holes that I’m finally forced to throw them out. (+1 Angst) Even Ed-weird, who’s had about as much emotion as a stem of celery for the majority of this series, tears up a little.
“Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he’d placed Renesmee. “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother… my son.”
And to think, earlier in this book, you were willing to pimp out your wife to your future son-in-law. Not creepy at all, no siree. (+1 Red Flag) 
All the good vampires kiss and say goodbye as they accept their fate, while Jacob prepares to run away with Nessie. It’s never explained why he doesn’t choose to shapeshift into an airplane one of those giant eagles from Lord of the Rings, just to make things a little easier. But I assume the answer has something to do with love, chromosomes, and Meyer’s inability to tell a story without sounding like a hyper first grader who just ate pie for the first time. (+1 Stupidity) The good vampire huddle turns and awaits Aro’s forces. I would say this was exciting, but the exact same scene has occurred 39 times in the last two chapters, so pardon me if I yawn.

“There was no change in the silent, still forms of the counseling ancients. But perhaps there was some signal I’d missed. “Get ready,” I whispered to the others. “It’s starting.”

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +13
Angst: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Red Flag: Edward: +1 
Book Count:
Stupidity: +294
Angst: +28
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +44
Cream Count: +17
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +17 Jacob: +8
  1. ha5rika says:

    What I cannot understand is how Meyer fails to grasp that there is no superpower to grant wisdom. We say “wisdom gathered in all his years” not “wisdom stemming from his super vampire-human mutation.” There is no way in hell Nessie a few month old baby can understand the complexities of life and her world. So, when Nessie has the body of a 16 year old within a month, Bella will talk about sex to a baby who has been on Earth for just a few months? How does Meyer not understand how stupid this is?
    An even bigger question is: How could you have any respect for Meyer (even before this chapter)? I thought it should all have been thrown out of the window when she tried to talk about a huge matter like ‘abortion’ with impressionable teenagers?

  2. sammygirl1967 says:

    The stupid… it burns.

    Seriously though, I am so pissed about the werewolf/shifter thing. One, because it came out of freaking NOWHERE and two, because it wasnt necessary at all. Caius didn’t have to bring up “Children of the Moon” (which is a cliched and stupid name for werewolves) and there was no reason for them to exist. It wasn’t just an asspull, it was one that served pretty much no purpose except adding more stupid “drama”.

  3. Cassandra says:

    Shouldnt the powerfull speech of the vampire-we-just-meet-and-no-one-cares-about-with-that-name-i-do-not-remember be a Redemtion-Piont?

  4. Cassandra says:

    By the way; “Children of the Moon” is another great Werewolf-Band-Name.

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