What this chapter should be called: Deja Vu

Fucks I give: -5

Chapters left: 4

 

We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.

 

 

“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”

 

 

Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.

Bella marvels at how she’s been able to sneak around and outsmart her absolutely brilliant husband.

 

 

“Would he have deduced the reason why I didn’t confide in him? Did he guess that Aro might soon know everything he knew? I thought Edward could have come to that conclusion, which explained why he had demanded no reasons from me. I guessed he was trying not to speculate too much, trying to keep my behavior off his mind. Had he put this together with my odd performance the morning after Alice left, burning my book in the fire? I didn’t know if he could have made that leap.”

 

 

Just saying: if I were in Edward’s place right now, and saw my wife sneaking around and “running errands” and generally being mysterious about all her behavior, my first thought would probably be “affair.” But that would cause tension so Edward will sit on his ass and not do anything, despite the fact that he’s been soooo involved in all of Bella’s activities in the past. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella arrives at the restaurant and prepares to make the handoff. This is no normal meeting. Oh no. If Bella doesn’t have the brains to get Mr. Scott to give her the documents, she will seduce it out of him in yet ANOTHER satiny, risqué dress.

 

 

“I gave the name Jenks at the podium, and the obsequious maître d’ led me upstairs to a small private room with a fire crackling in a stone hearth. He took the calf-length ivory trench coat I’d worn to disguise the fact that I was wearing Alice’s idea of appropriate attire, and gasped quietly at my oyster satin cocktail dress. I couldn’t help being a little flattered; I still wasn’t used to being beautiful to everyone rather than just Edward. The maître d’ stuttered half-formed compliments as he backed unsteadily from the room.”

 

 

After some clothes porn (+1 Thesaurus Rape), Bella thinks about her beauty. Ugh, I hate this stupid, beauty-obsessed book, you know that? Never once have we seen Bella be complimented on something other than her incredible non-beauty or her supreme sparkly beauty. Never has Bella been complimented on her intelligence or personality. I’m sure this is a great message to send young girls: you too can find a man who will define you as a person as long as you’re pretty (and willing to pop out a couple kids).

Rant over. Bella waits for Jenks and warms her hands over the fire.

 

 

“For one half second, I wondered what it would feel like to put my hand in the fire. What it would feel like when I burned. . . .”

Dear god, the prettier she gets, the dumber she gets.  (+1 Stupidity) When Jenks finally shows up to hand over the documents, he’s incredibly nervous. Not because Bella is a gorgeous vampire whose soul is made of sparkles and unicorn farts, but because he’s worried that Bella is planning on kidnapping Renesmee.

 

 

“He took a deep breath and then exhaled without speaking. “J, please just say whatever you need to.” He took another breath and then mumbled quickly, slurring the words together. “If you could just assure me that you are not planning to kidnap the little girl from her father, I would sleep better tonight.” “Oh,” I said, stunned. It took me a minute to understand the erroneous conclusion he’d drawn.”

There’s some more boring conversation and small talk, but it doesn’t really go anywhere or mean anything. Maybe the Jenks subplot wasn’t so misplaced in this story after all. (BAZINGA.) With the paperwork handled, Bella drives off into the dark night. 

 

“The return trip took me less time. The night was black, and so I turned off my headlights and floored it. When I got back to the house, most of the cars, including Alice’s Porsche and my Ferrari, were missing.”

You know what really pisses me off? The fact that the Cullens never get speeding tickets. Ever. Hell, me and my friends get pulled over for stupid shit, like not using a turn signal at a four-way stop when you’re planning on going straight. But these assholes, in their shiny Volvos with insanely gigantic and  fast engines that go up to 120 mph, NEVER get pulled over. Bullshit. And then Bella turns her headlights off, which is the epitome of irresponsible. Meyer should take night drive without headlights and see how that ends up for her. (+2 Stupidity)
But I know. I get it. Bella doesn’t turn on the headlights because it would attract attention from the cops. Cops can’t see silver Volvos at night. It’s a well-known fact.
Bella notes that the traditional vampires are out hunting and killing innocent human beings. Bella, who has so far equated the guilt of causing serial murder to a feeling of mild discomfort, now tells us how she really feels. 

 

“I tried not to think of their hunting in the night, cringing at the mental picture of their victims.”

 

 

That’s very nice of you, Bella. Try very hard not to think of the dozens and dozens of people being slaughtered because you couldn’t keep it in your pants until after you became a vampire. You’re so very brave. (+1 Bitch)

With the house to herself, Bella heads up to Jalice’s old room to look for cash. Conveniently, there are thousands of dollars in small bills just lying around. Bella stuffs the cash into a backpack for Renesmee (because children are known for heir ability to handle huge responsibility and large amounts of money (+1 Stupidity)), then writes goodbye letters to everyone, which she also places in the backpack. 

 

“I sat there for several minutes with my head bowed before the inkling of a good idea came to me. If… If I was to assume that Jacob and Renesmee were going to escape, then that included the assumption that Demetri would be dead. That gave any survivors a little breathing room, Alice and Jasper included. So why couldn’t Alice and Jasper help Jacob and Renesmee? If they were reunited, Renesmee would have the best protection imaginable. There was no reason why this couldn’t happen, except for the fact that Jake and Renesmee both were blind spots for Alice. How would she begin to look for them?”

Bella deliberates for a quick moment, completely buttfucking the meaning of the word into oblivion. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) She then grabs a piece of paper and writes “Rio De Janeiro” across it. That way, Jalice will be able to find Nessie and Jake, and protect them with Jasper’s patented sideways maneuvers. 

 

“There was still the mystery of Renesmee’s future, the terror of her racing age. We’d been headed south anyway. Now it would be Jacob’s, and hopefully Alice’s, job to search for the legends. I bowed my head again against a sudden urge to sob, clenching my teeth together. It was better that Renesmee go on without me. But I already missed her so much I could barely stand it. I took a deep breath and put the note at the bottom of the duffel bag, where Jacob would find it soon enough. I crossed my fingers that—since it was unlikely that his high school offered Portuguese—Jake had at least taken Spanish as his language elective.”

 

 

1. Oh yeah! Nessie is still growing at a super fast rate and will probably die of old age soon. She didn’t receive medical attention earlier because Bella and Edward were too busy having sex for three months to care for their daughter’s health. They are great parents. (+1 Stupidity)

2. Well… Jacob goes to school on a reservation where, as of 1969, there’s been a push for native language revitalization. I’ll give you a few guesses as to WHAT language he might have taken. Then, when you guess wrong, I’ll slap you. In the face. With a chair. (+1 Stupidity)

But whatever. Bella’s goal is to send Jacob to Brazil to track down the mysterious cleaning woman who seemingly knows everything about everything, but for reasons too complex for Stephenie Meyer to explain, cannot be reached by simple telephone. So the backup is set. There’s not much to do except sit around and wait for the Volturi to arrive. (Their bumper car procession has just crossed Washington state lines, after all. It should only take another day of five.) Everyone bunkers down on the battlefield and waits. 

 

“We set up a tent for Renesmee a few yards back into the protective forest, and then there was more déjà vu as we found ourselves camping in the cold again with Jacob. It was almost impossible to believe how much things had changed since last June. Seven months ago, our triangular relationship seemed impossible, three different kinds of heartbreak that could not be avoided. Now everything was in perfect balance. It seemed hideously ironic that the puzzle pieces would fit together just in time for all of them to be destroyed.”

Wow. Does this feel familiar or what? Well, it fucking should, because this is the same goddamn setup as the last book. Exact. Fucking. Same. The Cullens are facing and invading army (newborns=Volturi) that intends to harm one of their own (Bella=Renesmee). With the help of previously unknown allies (wolf pack=vampire covens), they camp out in the cold to make their final stand. And you know what else? THE GOOD GUYS WILL WIN! We all WANT Eddie-kins and Bella to die and for the Cullens to become recluses and to have the wolf pack go back to being their measly, skinny, terrible-hairline selves. But NO. The good guys will win, Bella and Eddie will forget about their baby, Jacob will eventually bone her, and then they’ll have their own bastard spawn. (And Chuck will live happily ever after making a porno with his beautiful mustache.) I KNOW this already! (+1 Stupidity)
The next morning, Bella wakes Renesmee and prepares to say her final farewell. 

 

“Her eyes were huge as she read the agony on my face. But she had guessed enough not to ask me what I was doing. “I love you,” I told her. “More than anything.” “I love you, too, Momma,” she answered. She touched the locket at her neck, which now held a tiny photo of her, Edward, and me. “We’ll always be together.” “In our hearts we’ll always be together,” I corrected in a whisper as quiet as a breath. “But when the time comes today, you have to leave me.”

The section is quite sad and overly tragic. (+1 Angst) We know that Bella will not die. I know Meyer too well. She will not let Bella or Ed-wad be harmed in the slightest. I am so confident in the fact that Bella will not die that I am willing to bet everything I have on this, including my super-secret recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.
Bella will not die.
So, really, that makes this gut-wrenching farewell even more laughable. It’s like watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon in which Bugs gathers his loved ones and says, “I am about to be hunted by a short, angry, malformed man who has a speech impediment. I’m not sure I will survive. I want you all to know how much I love and care about you. Don’t cry, for my spirit lives on in your hearts and minds. Farewell. Time to die.” We all know Bugs isn’t going to die. Even if he’s shot in the face at point-blank range, his only injury will be a gun-powdered face and crooked ears. Bella is Bugs Bunny, except less likable and much less believable. (+1 Stupidity)At the last minute, Bella grabs Aro’s wedding present (the big-ass diamond necklace) and puts it on, hoping if she sucks up to him enough, he’ll have mercy. All the good vampires and werewolves in the land line up across the field and wait.

 

 

“Another minute ticked by, and I found myself straining to hear some sound of approach. And then Edward stiffened and hissed low between his clenched teeth. His eyes focused on the forest due north of where we stood. We stared where he did, and waited as the last seconds passed.”

And then Edward hisses like a gay snake, signalling that the Volturi have arrived.
Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +9
Angst: +1
Bitch: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +2
 

Book Count:
Stupidity: +275
Angst: +27
Bitch: +25
Thesaurus Rape: +38
Cream Count: +17
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +16 Jacob: +8
Advertisements
Comments
  1. Kate says:

    Didn’t remember to mention it in the actual post, but there probably won’t be an update next week. I got my wisdom teeth taken out on Monday and the pain in my mouth has just kinda sapped my willingness to write.

  2. Oh my God, Edward hisses like a gay snake made me lose it!

    And as for the reason for why Bella hasn’t been complimented on anything but her beauty is simple. They don’t compliment her on anything else because there’s nothing else for anyone to compliment. She hasn’t got a personality, so you can’t compliment on that. She’s not smart either so that’s out of the question as well.

    And as you know, one mustn’t tell lies.

  3. lucatri says:

    Get well soon, Kate! Yeah, dental procedures suck. The sound of the dental drill haunts me still.

    I’m eager to read your next reviews and but also terrified that I’m gradually moving closer to the end of your series. All good things must come to an end, huh?

    One typo spotted: (Their bumper car procession has just crossed Washington state lines, after all. It should only take another day of five.)

    day or five*

    Otherwise, great review as usual!

  4. sammygirl1967 says:

    Ack, sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth (I’ve got to get mine taken out soon… Should’ve done it years ago, but… fear of dentists and all that) Hope you’re feeling better soon!

    And, god, congrats on being so close to finishing this. I can’t imagine going back through these books and trying to review them chapter-by-chapter without having some kind of breakdown.

    And it’s so sad that by this point, the non-plot is repeating itself and somehow managing to be so. frigging. boring. I could shoot myself, that’s how boring this stupid book is. Even sadder? At least in Eclipse there was a big final showndown thingy. We didn’t see it, because Meyer sucks at writing, but it happened. Here? Not so much.

  5. ha5rika says:

    Ouch! Sorry about your wisdom teeth. But, trust me, the sooner you get them out, the better. I home you get well soon. I just can’t wait for your reviews of the rest of the chapters.
    Congrats on making it this far, without having a breakdown!
    And I am just curious… Do you live in or around Forks? You seem to know quite a bit about it. Or is it just your Googling skills(which Meyer seems to lack)?

  6. Iluvtwilight says:

    OMG. U LOSER. TWILIGHT IS THE BEST THING EVER. I DON’T NO Y IT IS CAMPARED 2 HARRY POTTER BECAUSE TWILIGHT IS WAY BETTER. BELLA IS ACTUALLY WILLING 2 SACRAFICE HERSELF FOR EVERY1. HARRY JUST SAT BACK &WATCHED EVERY1 DIE

  7. Iluvtwilight says:

    NO I WONT LEAVE U BEETCH.

    EDWARD IZ SEXY AND HARRY ISJUSTA NERD WITH GLASSES.
    HERMIONE IS SOOO WHINY
    AND RON DOESN’T EVEN HAVE HOT ABS

    • Kate says:

      Well, wow. It finally happened: a Twitard showed up. Cool. Here are a couple pointers:

      1. I’ve had a couple lovely conversations with Twilight fans who are able to speak coherently and give actual reasons why they like the book, instead of falling back on “the actors are hot” line. I suggest you take a page out of their book.
      2. I will completely understand if you don’t take that first suggestion to heart, because I used a lot of big words and, judging by your typing skills, you may not be able to understand them.
      3. In all likelihood, you are probably a distressed middle-schooler, or a troll with a little too much free time. Either way, no one here is going to take you seriously or care very much what you do.

      Have a lovely day.

      • ha5rika says:

        Yup! That was my first response. TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure he/she is a troll. But, I am kinda sad though. I would have loved to have a real TwiHard here who can string together a couple of sentences about Twilight without using the words Edward and sexy together. I would have loved to see you unDazzle them. But, looks like we have no such luck, Kate. Either they have read your reviews and got so embarrassed by Twilight that they couldn’t comment or they didn’t dare pick a fight with us intelligible people.

        • Abi says:

          I used to be a Twihard. It is a sad and unavoidable fact. And while there are a few things that I like about the movies (Ashley Green and Jackson Rathbone) I have seen the light in regards to the books. Kate, you converted me, so you can live the rest of your like knowing that you made mine unutterably better.

      • fonsett says:

        I couldn’t help but hear the ‘have a lovely day’ in the voice of that guy from Home Alone 2. xD
        In any case, how in Seven Hells is Hermoine whiny? I can understand you dislike her because she possesses actual intelligence, other than Bella Sue and Eddie who actually knows nothing about the medical world, as well as sex appearantly.. Since when did men in the early 20th century not talk among eachother, exactly? Well done, Stephie. (I totally found out she was a mormon today, it explains so so so much.)

    • lucatri says:

      …Yeah, I have nothing to say here

      I have not seen this much stupidity since the North West debacle.

    • cupcake2eater says:

      Honey child, I suggest you actually take a look at Harry Potter before saying he didn’t sacrifice himself when he actually did. Bella didn’t sacrifice shit.

      Please forgive everyone here for not taking you seriously when the fact that you haven’t read Harry Potter, or know anything about it, is being leaking out of every pore on your body as you attempt to insult it.

      • fonsett says:

        I was about to say the same thing. Harry was convinced he was going to die, comparable to Gandalf’s sacrifice in a way. Granted, it’s not really a sacrifice because he didn’t die, but at least he was PREPARED to die for the ones he loved.

        Oh, and who does Bella love again? Her bf/husband/sparklepeen/supa-hot-guy Eddie and her baby. Even Jake was left to rot in the mud while she skipped her way back to her twu wuv. Seriously, I would have smacked her across the face so much if I had known her in real life, she would be scarred for life. What. A. B.

  8. Melody Wood says:

    @Iluv

    If you’re a troll, then congratz.

    If you’re serious, then you have some problems

  9. KitKatAttack says:

    I dare you to read the Fallen series by Lauren Kate after you are finished with the Twilight series. You’ll think Bella and Edward are the sweetest couple you’ve ever read about.

    • ha5rika says:

      So, I am just thinking about reading the Fallen series. I read the summary on Wikipedia and it got me intrigued – it has a nice premise and I am a Supernatural fan. Is the series any good or is it like Twilight? Can I waste my time on it?

      • KitKatAttack says:

        The Fallen series, in my personal opinion, can make Twilight look like Jane Eyre. The cover fools a lot of people and if you look closely at the top, P. C. Cast praises it. Another awful writer.

        • Cassandra says:

          P.C.Cast, the Autor of the “House of Night”-Series? Had anyone from you read that yet? I hate it! I use to be a Fan, but then i realised how aweful the Books are. I hate Zoey Redbird, the Protagonist! She is a Mary Sue and has absolutly no charakter!! (Sorry, for my bad english.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s