Fucks I give: -5
Chapters left: 4
We are officially five blog posts away from the grand finale of the Twilight Saga. It’s so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. It’s taken me nearly two goddamn years of my life to read and review this wretched series for your entertainment. I am more than ready to be done with things. Luckily, this chapter, which is the last of the chapters that don’t deal with the Volturi smackdown, is very short.
“Headed out?” Edward asked, his tone nonchalant. There was a sort of forced composure about his expression. He hugged Renesmee just a little bit tighter to his chest. “Yes, a few last-minute things…,” I responded just as casually.”
Bella heads out for her rendezvous with Jenks to collect her documents. I’m glad that this subplot is finally wrapped up. I understand that Nessie must be protected and needs a false passport if there’s any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It’s also really creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, “I want to make love to a rooster,” I probably wouldn’t even flinch. So I don’t know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. But I also don’t know why Breaking Dawn wasn’t just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, and it’s too late to go back now.
Bella marvels at how she’s been able to sneak around and outsmart her absolutely brilliant husband.
“Would he have deduced the reason why I didn’t confide in him? Did he guess that Aro might soon know everything he knew? I thought Edward could have come to that conclusion, which explained why he had demanded no reasons from me. I guessed he was trying not to speculate too much, trying to keep my behavior off his mind. Had he put this together with my odd performance the morning after Alice left, burning my book in the fire? I didn’t know if he could have made that leap.”
Just saying: if I were in Edward’s place right now, and saw my wife sneaking around and “running errands” and generally being mysterious about all her behavior, my first thought would probably be “affair.” But that would cause tension so Edward will sit on his ass and not do anything, despite the fact that he’s been soooo involved in all of Bella’s activities in the past. (+1 Stupidity)
Bella arrives at the restaurant and prepares to make the handoff. This is no normal meeting. Oh no. If Bella doesn’t have the brains to get Mr. Scott to give her the documents, she will seduce it out of him in yet ANOTHER satiny, risqué dress.
“I gave the name Jenks at the podium, and the obsequious maître d’ led me upstairs to a small private room with a fire crackling in a stone hearth. He took the calf-length ivory trench coat I’d worn to disguise the fact that I was wearing Alice’s idea of appropriate attire, and gasped quietly at my oyster satin cocktail dress. I couldn’t help being a little flattered; I still wasn’t used to being beautiful to everyone rather than just Edward. The maître d’ stuttered half-formed compliments as he backed unsteadily from the room.”
After some clothes porn (+1 Thesaurus Rape), Bella thinks about her beauty. Ugh, I hate this stupid, beauty-obsessed book, you know that? Never once have we seen Bella be complimented on something other than her incredible non-beauty or her supreme sparkly beauty. Never has Bella been complimented on her intelligence or personality. I’m sure this is a great message to send young girls: you too can find a man who will define you as a person as long as you’re pretty (and willing to pop out a couple kids).
Rant over. Bella waits for Jenks and warms her hands over the fire.
“For one half second, I wondered what it would feel like to put my hand in the fire. What it would feel like when I burned. . . .”
“He took a deep breath and then exhaled without speaking. “J, please just say whatever you need to.” He took another breath and then mumbled quickly, slurring the words together. “If you could just assure me that you are not planning to kidnap the little girl from her father, I would sleep better tonight.” “Oh,” I said, stunned. It took me a minute to understand the erroneous conclusion he’d drawn.”
“The return trip took me less time. The night was black, and so I turned off my headlights and floored it. When I got back to the house, most of the cars, including Alice’s Porsche and my Ferrari, were missing.”
“I tried not to think of their hunting in the night, cringing at the mental picture of their victims.”
That’s very nice of you, Bella. Try very hard not to think of the dozens and dozens of people being slaughtered because you couldn’t keep it in your pants until after you became a vampire. You’re so very brave. (+1 Bitch)
“I sat there for several minutes with my head bowed before the inkling of a good idea came to me. If… If I was to assume that Jacob and Renesmee were going to escape, then that included the assumption that Demetri would be dead. That gave any survivors a little breathing room, Alice and Jasper included. So why couldn’t Alice and Jasper help Jacob and Renesmee? If they were reunited, Renesmee would have the best protection imaginable. There was no reason why this couldn’t happen, except for the fact that Jake and Renesmee both were blind spots for Alice. How would she begin to look for them?”
“There was still the mystery of Renesmee’s future, the terror of her racing age. We’d been headed south anyway. Now it would be Jacob’s, and hopefully Alice’s, job to search for the legends. I bowed my head again against a sudden urge to sob, clenching my teeth together. It was better that Renesmee go on without me. But I already missed her so much I could barely stand it. I took a deep breath and put the note at the bottom of the duffel bag, where Jacob would find it soon enough. I crossed my fingers that—since it was unlikely that his high school offered Portuguese—Jake had at least taken Spanish as his language elective.”
1. Oh yeah! Nessie is still growing at a super fast rate and will probably die of old age soon. She didn’t receive medical attention earlier because Bella and Edward were too busy having sex for three months to care for their daughter’s health. They are great parents. (+1 Stupidity)
2. Well… Jacob goes to school on a reservation where, as of 1969, there’s been a push for native language revitalization. I’ll give you a few guesses as to WHAT language he might have taken. Then, when you guess wrong, I’ll slap you. In the face. With a chair. (+1 Stupidity)
“We set up a tent for Renesmee a few yards back into the protective forest, and then there was more déjà vu as we found ourselves camping in the cold again with Jacob. It was almost impossible to believe how much things had changed since last June. Seven months ago, our triangular relationship seemed impossible, three different kinds of heartbreak that could not be avoided. Now everything was in perfect balance. It seemed hideously ironic that the puzzle pieces would fit together just in time for all of them to be destroyed.”
“Her eyes were huge as she read the agony on my face. But she had guessed enough not to ask me what I was doing. “I love you,” I told her. “More than anything.” “I love you, too, Momma,” she answered. She touched the locket at her neck, which now held a tiny photo of her, Edward, and me. “We’ll always be together.” “In our hearts we’ll always be together,” I corrected in a whisper as quiet as a breath. “But when the time comes today, you have to leave me.”
“Another minute ticked by, and I found myself straining to hear some sound of approach. And then Edward stiffened and hissed low between his clenched teeth. His eyes focused on the forest due north of where we stood. We stared where he did, and waited as the last seconds passed.”
Thesaurus Rape: +2
Thesaurus Rape: +38
Cream Count: +17
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +16 Jacob: +8