Chapter 34: Declared

Posted: September 25, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
What this chapter should be called: Worst Christmas Ever

Fucks I give: -4

Chapters left: 5


The first part of this chapter is bland and boring. Bella arrives home and hears Edward playing her lullaby on the piano. This makes her want to cry because, even though everyone else in the house seems so hopeful, Bella knows from her trip to Seattle that they’re all doomed. DOOMED, I tell you! (+1 Angst)



“Did you have a good time with Charlie today?” “Yes. Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do a little Christmas shopping for Renesmee. I know it won’t be much of an event, but . . .” I shrugged. Edward’s lips turned down. He quit playing and spun around on the bench so that his whole body was facing me. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “I hadn’t thought much about it. If you want to make an event of it—” “No,” I interrupted him. I flinched internally at the idea of trying to fake more enthusiasm than the bare minimum. “I just didn’t want to let it pass without giving her something.” “Do I get to see?” “If you want. It’s only a little thing.”



Bella feeds Edward a lie about how she popped out of Charlie’s to do some Christmas shopping for Renesmee — and then produces a little antique golden locket with “more than my own life” inscribed in French on it. (Dramatic much?)

Bella suggests that she go out and play-fight with Edward, but he shoots that idea down and insists on taking baby back to their sex cottage. 


“Emmett—on the sofa with Rose and holding the remote, of course—looked up and grinned in anticipation. “Excellent. The forest needs thinning.” Edward frowned at Emmett and then at me. “There’s plenty of time for that tomorrow,” he said. “Don’t be ridiculous,” I complained. “There’s no such thing as plenty of time anymore. That concept does not exist. I have a lot to learn and—” He cut me off. “Tomorrow.” And his expression was such that not even Emmett argued.”



I don’t know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn’t offer any explanation either. I’d understand if she had said, “Edward wouldn’t let me train with Emmett because he’s a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist.” But she doesn’t say that. She says nothing and does as she’s told. What a wonderful relationship these two have. (+1 Red Flag)

Bella is strangely at ease with impending doom – it’s looking like the Cullens & Co. will put up a good enough fight that Jacob and Renesmee will be able to escape. And, at least she and Eddiekins will die (or whatever it is sparklepires do) together. 


“Our little band must be going to hold their own if Jacob and Renesmee were going to have the opportunity to run in the first place. Yes, Alice’s strategy only made sense if we were going to put up a really good fight. So, a kind of victory there, too, considering that the Volturi had never been seriously challenged in millennia. It was not going to be the end of the world. Just the end of the Cullens. The end of Edward, the end of me. I preferred it that way—the last part anyway. I would not live without Edward again; if he was leaving this world, then I would be right behind him.”

There’s the Bella we all know and love! (+1 Angst) You know, the one who would rather die and let her child be raised by a 17-year-old baby-dater than be without her one twu wuv. How people cannot like and empathize with this character I will never know.
We do a weird little timeskip ahead to Christmas. As expected, Renesmee’s first (and probably only) Christmas is a festivity filled with cheer and fun!



“Renesmee wore the locket I’d given her at dawn, and in her jacket pocket was the MP3 player Edward had given her—a tiny thing that held five thousand songs, already filled with Edward’s favorites. On her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring. Edward had gritted his teeth over that one, but it didn’t bother me.”

Just kidding! Renesmee won’t be finding any presents under the tree. She won’t be getting a tricycle, a trampoline, or even a box of crayons. There aren’t any toys at all, not even a lone Polly Pocket shoe, the kind that so tiny they are only composed of 19 atoms. A baby, even one who magically matured to the age of 3, wouldn’t want silly toys. The world’s wisest mother knew this and bought Renesmee one gift: the aforementioned locket. It’s not the worst gift, as all things go. But, come on! Buy this kid some Play-Doh, or a magic wand, or even one of those sexed-up Bratz dolls! (+1 Stupidity)
To be fair, it’s not the only present Renesmee receives. She also gets an iPod loaded with Edward’s favorites, because all toddlers love to rock out to the booming bass of 19th century chamber music. And from Jacob she gets a hand-woven bracelet, which Bella says is the Native American equivalent of a promise ring. How romantic! Now all the other toddlers at daycare are going to be so jealous.
Renesmee: Check it, ladies! He put a ring on it!
Suzie: I can do a cartwheel, look!
Jenny: My hair tastes like strawberries because of the toast I stuck in it this morning!
Renesmee: I think the theme of my wedding will be “A Night In Paris.”
Suzie: I think my cat’s tail is a handle!
Jenny: Look, I’m a horse! *makes horse noises*
Suzie: Renesmee, come play blocks with me!
Renesmee: What the hell are blocks?
Bella, you have to consider, at the rate your child is growing, this will be her only Christmas as a kid. She’ll be 34 by next July, for crying out loud! Buy her some toys, you stupid idiot! (+1 Stupidity)
Edward, of course, isn’t thrilled that his toddler is engaged, but Bella is strangely okay with it. She knows Nessie must be raised by Jacob after she and Edward perish in the Great Vampire Battle. It’s a huge responsibility for Jacob to raise his lover, sure. But remember: the way Nessie is growing, Jacob will only have to watch her for like, a month. By then, she’ll have a cashier job at the local K-Mart and will be able to get in to R-rated movies without being carded. She’ll probably die of old age by her second birthday. So Jacob can surely handle this. It’s exactly like taking care of your friend’s fish while he’s away on vacation, except you don’t have sex with the fish. (+1 Stupidity) 


“I had a hard time concentrating. At the same time, this was perhaps the last time I would see Charlie. Maybe it was a good thing that I was too numb to really register that. I hadn’t seen my mother since the wedding, but I found I could only be glad for the gradual distancing that had begun two years ago. She was too fragile for my world. I didn’t want her to have any part of this. Charlie was stronger. Maybe even strong enough for a goodbye now, but I wasn’t.”

Bella spends the rest of the visit being sad about the Volturi Attack of Doom rather than savoring her last moments with her family. (+1 Angst) She continues her moping on the car ride home, while in the back seat, Renesmee opens and closes her locket, probably desperately wishing it was a Barbie Dream House or at least a fuzzy pair of socks. 


“There was nothing unusual about the outside of the Cullen house as we pulled into the meadow, but I could hear some kind of subtle uproar inside. Many low voices murmured and growled. It sounded intense, and it sounded like an argument.”



When Bella finally gets home, she finds all the guest vampires having a murmur party in the living room. (Which is like an argument, except that everyone is a complete toolbox.) Turns out, Alistair has left, saying there is no hope against the Volturi and it’s better to run than to be killed or turned into one of the Volturi’s slaves. Amun also wants to leave, but his boyfriend/slave boy Benjamin wants to stay and fight. (Benjamin is the one who can do Captain Planet shit, remember? Of course you don’t. This is only the second time he’s been mentioned and the first time we’ve been expected to care. ( +1 Stupidity)) If the Volturi would want to collect anyone for their powers, Benny-boy would probably be first in the draft.



“Carlisle’s answer was soft and sincere. “I wouldn’t hold that against you, Amun. We have been friends for a long time, but I would never ask you to die for me.” Amun’s voice was more controlled, too. “But you’re taking my Benjamin down with you.” Carlisle put his hand on Amun’s shoulder; Amun shook it off. “I’ll stay, Carlisle, but it might be to your detriment. I will join them if that’s the road to survival. You’re all fools to think that you can defy the Volturi.”

After a brief tiff, Amun agrees to stay, but heavily hints that he will side with the Volturi if that’s what it takes to survive. (Meanwhile, the Volturi are traveling across America in an epic game of leapfrog, stopping often to take pictures of pretty trees. (+1 Stupidity)) Amun’s position leads to a long spiel where we go around the room and listen to every single vampire declare their loyalty. 


“We stand with Carlisle,” Tanya said. “And we fight with him.” The Romanians’ pronouncement seemed to have made the others feel the need to declare themselves as well. “We have not decided,” Peter said. He looked down at his tiny companion; Charlotte’s lips were set in dissatisfaction. It looked like she’d made her decision. I wondered what it was. “The same goes for me,” Randall said. “And me,” Mary added. “The packs will fight with the Cullens,” Jacob said suddenly. “We’re not afraid of vampires,” he added with a smirk.”

It’s dramatic and totally not a waste of time that could be spent preparing for a battle. These wondrous speeches are very touching. In the movie, I’m sure they’re accompanied by rich and lush orchestral music. But none of this is really necessary. These vampires have been her for like, three weeks. This is like a football team making it to the Super Bowl and moments before the kickoff, the quarterback says, “By the way, guys, I just want you to know that I’m on your team.” I know Meyer thinks this is touching and important. But it’s not. (+1 Stupidity)After everyone pledges themselves, Bella and Edward go hunting for animals. Meanwhile, other vampires are killing kind old men who like to sit in public parks and feed pigeons, but these kind old men live 300 miles away, meaning Bella won’t possibly know them, so this makes it all right. While chugging down an elk, Bella has a startling realization and drops it, because dropping things creates drama.

(Seriously, though: If someone were to go back through all my reviews and tally up all the times someone drops something out of shock, I would love you forever.) 


“I was thinking about my shield—you really think it’s worth something, that it will help somehow. I know the others are hoping that I’ll be able to shield Zafrina and Benjamin, even if I can only keep it up for a few seconds at a time. What if that’s a mistake? What if your trust in me is the reason that we fail?” My voice was edging toward hysteria, though I had enough control to keep it low. I didn’t want to upset Renesmee. “Bella, what brought this on? Of course, it’s wonderful that you can protect yourself, but you’re not responsible for saving anyone. Don’t distress yourself needlessly.” “But what if I can’t protect anything?” I whispered in gasps. “This thing I do, it’s faulty, it’s erratic! There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Maybe it will do nothing against Alec at all.” “Shh,” he hushed me. “Don’t panic. And don’t worry about Alec. What he does is no different than what Jane or Zafrina does. It’s just an illusion—he can’t get inside your head any more than I can.” “But Renesmee does!” I hissed frantically through my teeth.”



Edward tells Bella to take a chill pill; Remesmee is, after all, Bella’s daughter. Plus, he already considered this phenomenon long ago. Bella is apparently still slow, and dumb. Edward has already considered this long ago, anyways.

“You keep everyone out,” he began. “And no one keeps her out?” I finished hesitantly. “That’s my theory,” he said. “And if she can get into your head, I doubt there’s a shield on the planet who could keep her at bay.”
Ed-wad thinks Renesmee “flipped” her parents’ powers: Edward can hear a persons thoughts, Renesmee can show a person her own thoughts. Bella keeps everyone out, no one keeps Renesmee out.
Ugh. I can’t believe it took Bella this long to realize this. (+1 Stupidity) This chapter sucked. Bella worries a lot, one sparklepire leaves, and everybody pledges to fight. BORING.
But you know what? I don’t care anymore. There are only 5 chapters of this left. Let’s just plow through this and then forget it ever happened. Just like middle school.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +7
Angst: +3
Red Flag: Edward: +1


Book Count:
Stupidity: +266
Angst: +26
Bitch: +24
Thesaurus Rape: +36
Cream Count: +17
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +16 Jacob: +8

  1. Rainicorn says:

    Heh. Bella can only keep it up for a few seconds at a time. /maturity

  2. remymckwakker says:

    I just. I cannot anymore. I don’t know how you’ve survived this long. My eyes are watering, though I’m not sure if that’s because of this chapter or the fact that I’ve been procrastinating on a bathroom visit.

  3. “Seriously, though: If someone were to go back through all my reviews and tally up all the times someone drops something out of shock, I would love you forever.”

    …Challenge Accepted.

  4. sammygirl1967 says:

    You know what I wanna know?

    I wanna know why Nessie even HAS powers. I wanna know why she ages so fast. I wanna know why she’s apparently not only aging physically but mentally, emotionally and psychologically as well. I wanna know why not one person came to Meyer before this was published and said “No. You can’t have a 17 year old boy give a few-months-old girl any version of an ENGAGEMENT RING. That’s creepy, Steph. You have to change this.” I wanna know why we’re expected to read Bella’s whiny, dramatic angsting for fifty billion pages and actually give a damn by the end. Most importantly though, I wanna know why this book isn’t over yet. Seriously. It should’ve ended ages ago. There is nothing happening and the stupid is making my heard hurt. I really and truly don’t know how you do it.

    • fonsett says:

      I want to say “because vampires have two extra chromosomes”.. I would love for Stephanie Meyer to get some guts and tell people that she actually had no idea what the word ‘biology’ even meant, hence the dumb mistakes. I’ve learned about the chromosome thing in my 2nd year in a dutch high school, MAX. It may have even been year 1 that I was attending.

      I’m also EXTREMELY curious as to why Stephie, as a mormon, thought RenesmexJacob was better than LeahxJacob, she seems – oh yeah, Steph thinks Leah is a bitch for telling her (Bella) the truth (I love you Leah, you are horribly underrated)..

      I realized a few weeks ago that the entirety of Twilight could have been written in two books, perhaps even one thick book, if you take out all the unneccesairy scenes and the angsting over nothing other than ‘WAAH I’m Bella Sue and I hate being loved by any other that Sparklepeen!!’ and what Steph calls something like ‘struggles’, as I’ve heard her comment on Bella supposedly going through a lot of struggle and trouble in her life.. I would love to inherit some of her problems actually..

  5. MormonGirl says:

    I totally agree that Jacob×Leah would make a WAY better and, dare I say it, interesting pairing than Jacob×Renesmee, but as this is SMeyer we’re talking (typing) about, I can’t say I’m surprised.

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