What this chapter should be called: It’s okay to kill people as long as you don’t know them
Fucks I give: 5 out of anger
Chapters left: 7
I apologize in advance for the level of anger you are about to witness. This is going to be a very bitter review. If your computer has a text-to-speech function, you should turn your volume down. Even if your computer is politely silent, you may want to step back from the screen. The words will be strong. Some of them may not even be words at all. I may need numbers to express my level of frustration. When numbers fail me, I may turn to colors and pound signs. You have been warned.
It’s just, UGH. This book is so very, very bad. It’s terrible. It’s about depressed people doing horrible things and justifying those horrible things with love. It’s about face touching. It’s about old men falling in love with high school girls. It’s about baby-dating. It’s not about romance, or adventure, or growing up and finding your place in the world.
I say all this because in this chapter Bella thinks it’s okay to kill people.
“The Cullens’ enormous house was more crowded with guests than anyone would assume could possibly be comfortable. It only worked out because none of the visitors slept. Mealtimes were dicey, though. Our company cooperated as best they could. They gave Forks and La Push a wide berth, only hunting out of state; Edward was a gracious host, lending out his cars as needed without so much as a wince. The compromise made me very uncomfortable, though I tried to tell myself that they’d all be hunting somewhere in the world, regardless.”
Yep, you read that right. Bella doesn’t mind murder as long as it keeps her baby safe and is two states away. (+1 Bitch)
I apologize if this is a little out of context. Let me summarize: a bunch of good guy vamps are staying with the Cullens to help fight the Volturi. a lot of these good guys drink human blood. Edward and Bella are okay with this because the killing is going on in another town. As you may have noticed, Bella only has one sentence to say about this:
“The compromise made me very uncomfortable, though I tried to tell myself that they’d all be hunting somewhere in the world, regardless.”
Well, Bella. I’m very sorry that murder makes you uncomfortable. (+1 Bitch) Honestly. If I read that sentence out of context, I might not be able to tell if Bella was talking about vampires hunting people or when the bottom of your foot itches and you can’t scratch at it because it only tickles. You know what else might be uncomfortable, Bella? Telling your son that daddy isn’t ever coming home again because the “good” vampires ate him. I bet that might be pretty uncomfortable, too.
And not only is Bella okay with the others killing innocent people (one of which who was probably a grandmother on her way to the store to buy ingredients for her special applesauce-raisin cookies), but Edward is lending out cars for the people-eaters. Why? Do vampires really need cars? I mean, they can run super fast, so this is kind of a non-problem, isn’t it? (+1 Stupidity) Still, Jesus, Edward. why don’t you just hand out murder-hammers and maps to the nearest nursing home while you’re at it? Gah! I still cannot believe that Bella and Edward, the main protagonists of this book, agree that murder is neat.
“But Kate!” you say, “There’s nothing that Bella can do!” If you actually said this to me I would probably suggest that you go eat a dick. Do not tell me that Bella is powerless. She let this happen. She could have told everyone that a condition of residing at Casa de Cullen was a trip to the “vegetarian” side. We already know that Doctor Carlizzle uses his influence to get donated blood. Why can’t everyone just drink that? Why do they need to go out and kill people? (And speaking of killing people, when was the last time Bella hunted? I would think that if newborn Bella can go this long without eating, so can everyone else.) Bella is not powerless here in this whole giant clusterfuck. (+4 Stupidity)
So don’t tell me that Bella must let this happen. She doesn’t. She’s only going along with it because she’s in too deep and is too weak-minded to help humans. She made a foolish decision to get involved with murderers, and I have no sympathy for her or her dumb silly baby.
But I can forget about Bella’s hatred for humanity to discuss the rest of this chapter.
“Jacob was even more upset. The werewolves existed to prevent the loss of human life, and here was rampant murder being condoned barely outside the packs’ borders. But under these circumstances, with Renesmee in acute danger, he kept his mouth shut and glared at the floor rather than the vampires.”
Jacob, also aware that a mass murder is occurring, is upset too. Bella tells him to suck it up. (+1 Bitch) It’s okay for strangers to die, as long as it’s to protect the baby. I hate this kid.
Whatever. All the vampires are SUPER good at accepting the werewolves. (I might argue that this is a cop-out to avoid conflict, but any vamp who’s friends with the Cullens was probably pretty open-minded to begin with. This slides for now.) Most of the vamps tolerate him, in the way that someone allergic to dogs would tolerate their neighbor’s Schnauzer.
Meanwhile, good vampires fly in from all over the globe. There are ones from the Amazon, Europe, Africa, and all sorts of other neat places. It is never explained how they can get to Washington in like, three days, while the Volturi is gonna take a month. (+1 Stupidity) It’s war time, bitches!
I won’t lie to you, the rest of this chapter will be pretty dry. Mostly because it’s just introducing foreign vampires to us. These new vampires are so diverse and unique, with names such as:
And so on.Hey, Meyer, you do know that not all names need to end with an A, right? Whoever told you that was probably just messing with you.
Do you know how many new characters are introduced in this chapter, though? Seventeen. Seven-freakin’-teen. Seriously, Meyer? You haven’t even properly developed the ones you already had, and now you go and add over a dozen more? (+1 Stupidity) Ugh, whatever. Here’s a rundown of some of the new vamps we’ve met.
“We’d replayed the scene of Renesmee’s introduction to the Denali coven a half dozen times. First for Peter and Charlotte, whom Alice and Jasper had sent our way without giving them any explanation at all; like most people who knew Alice, they trusted her instructions despite the lack of information.”
Jasper and Alice (Jalice? Asper?) have sent Jasper’s old war buddy Peter to hang with the Clan. Doctor C and Esme have also sent along friends from Ireland and Egypt, all with painfully ethnic-sounding names.
“The Irish clan arrived first, and they were surprisingly easy to convince. Siobhan—a woman of immense presence whose huge body was both beautiful and mesmerizing as it moved in smooth undulations—was the leader, but she and her hard-faced mate, Liam, were long used to trusting the judgment of their newest coven member. Little Maggie, with her bouncy red curls, was not physically imposing like the other two, but she had a gift for knowing when she as being lied to, and her verdicts were never contested.”
I can’t tell how Meyer was trying to describe Siobhan. Is she fat, or what? I had been assuming that the vampy transformation burned off excess fat, judging on the fact that Bella’s not carrying around a load of extra pregnancy weight. I am so confused.
“Amun and the other Egyptian vampires were another story. Even after two younger members of his coven, Benjamin and Tia, had been convinced by Renesmee’s explanation, Amun refused to touch her and ordered his coven to leave. Benjamin—an oddly cheerful vampire who looked barely older than a boy and seemed both utterly confident and utterly careless at the same time— persuaded Amun to stay with a few subtle threats about disbanding their alliance.”
Amun and his mate, Kebi, don’t trust the Cullens and want to leave, but Benjamin convinces him to stay. Turns out, Amun wants to stay close to him because of Benny’s super sparkle power. The guy can do some major Captain Planet shit, and literally control the element.
Whoa. Time the fuck out. I though super sparkle powers (SSPs) were derived from a particularly strong trait the vampire possessed in their human life? Which almost makes sense for some of them: Edward’s perceptiveness turned into telepathy, etc. But goddamn element manipulation??!? That makes no fucking sense. Unless Benjamin was the fucking Avatar or something. (+1 Stupidity) Anywhore, those are the big ones. Emmett and Rose have sent along a collection of nomads: friends Mary and Randall, cocky, brash Garrett, and Alistair, the Scotsman who hates everyone.
And then the Amazons show up.
“Both of them seemed as if they’d been stretched—long arms and legs, long fingers, long black braids, and long faces with long noses. They wore nothing but animal skins—hide vests and tight-fitting pants that laced on the sides with leather ties. It wasn’t just their eccentric clothes that made them seem wild but everything about them, from their restless crimson eyes to their sudden, darting movements. I’d never met any vampires less civilized.”
Truly, these new vampires all have deep personalities and are fully-realized characters. For instance, Zafrina comes from the Amazon, so she “has a long face” and Garrett has hair. Wow. I can’t tell if I’m reading a work of fiction or looking through a window. Everything is so real. (+1 Stupidity)
Eddiekins is really excited to have the Amazonians on their side, mostly because Zafrina is very talented. She can project illusions into the minds of others; make them see whatever she wants them to see. Edward seems to think this will be a good offensive tool to use to confuse the Volturi. Just imagine if they were to all suddenly have a vision of the Cullens dancing around in their underwear!
Anyways, all the vampires are here, preparing for what may be a grand battle. No one is quite sure of the Volturi’s intentions, or what the final outcome will be. The stage is set and tension hangs in the air like a fat hummingbird. There’s only one problem:
Where! The! Hell! Are! The! Volturi!
Weeks have passed! Word has spread all around the globe that vampires are massing in Forks. Surely, the Volturi know that something’s up by now! They have spies and trackers everywhere, I thought. Bella herself tells us that the Cullen Alliance is the biggest gathering of vampires ever, except for the Volturi themselves. So why are they taking forever to get here? (+1 Stupidity)Are the Volturi crawling to America? Perhaps they’re digging a tunnel from Italy directly to Washington. Did their airline reservations not go through? Expedia can be a bitch if you’re not Emmett Cullen. Maybe they stopped at Disneyworld (you could get distracted for a couple weeks there, believe me) or decided to take a side trip to Australia. I mean, come on! Zafrina got here in like, two days! Do you know how hard it is to catch a flight out of the Amazon? It’s much harder than getting a flight out of Italy, I assure you. (+1 Stupidity)
Meanwhile, the good vampires lounge around at the Cullen mansion by day and murder innocent people by night. They truly don’t care about Jacob or the rest of the werewolves. It’s so convenient I’m surprised Meyer didn’t write “Oh, by the way, werewolves and vampires are no longer mortal enemies because of this magic chicken wing that Jared ate.”Bella is using the good vampires to babysit for her while she learns to fight.
“My first attempt at learning to fight did not go well. Edward had me pinned in about two seconds. But instead of letting me wrestle my way free—which I absolutely could have—he’d leaped up and away from me. I knew immediately that something was wrong; he was still as stone, staring across the meadow we were practicing in. “I’m sorry, Bella,” he said. “No, I’m fine,” I said. “Let’s go again.” “I can’t.” “What do you mean, you can’t? We just started.”
Edward freaks out and refuses to train Bella any more. He just can’t BEAR to look at his one-and-only as a target to kill! He decides he will no longer teach Bella. in fact, he would rather she die a miserable, gruesome death by Volturi than fake-box his lover for five minutes, because he is a flaccid, miserable penis. (+1 Red Flag/Angst)Instead, Bella learns from Emmett, who mostly just beats her up a lot. (Yay, Emmett!) Occasionally, Tanya and Eleazar help out. Sometimes Zafrina or another vampire with a weird name will provide a helpful tip. When it’s decided that Bella has a decent handle on self-defense, Kate starts teaching her how to project her shield over other people. Meanwhile, Edward is busy digging Bella’s grave, and the Volturi are busy coming to America in a van driven by a timid student driver who slams on the brakes whenever he goes faster than 15 MPH. (+1 Stupidity)
“Over and over I tried to force the nebulous shield outside of myself, with only faint, sporadic success. It felt like I was wrestling to stretch an invisible rubber band—a band that would change from concrete tangibility into insubstantial smoke at any random moment.”
Kate shocks Edward over and over while Bella tries to shield him. This takes up about 2940436 paragraphs as we watch Bella try and try again to protect Edward with her mental shield. It’s a lot like listening to a little kid play the first four notes of “Happy Birthday” again and again. You just want to shake that kid and yell, “Finish the song, you stupid vampire named Bella Swan!”
Kate eventually figures out that the quickest way to get Bella to use her shield properly is to use the kid as a guinea pig. (Note to self: never let a vampire babysit for you.)
“Nessie,” Kate said—the newcomers had quickly picked up the irritating nickname, “would you like to come help your mother?” “No,” I half-snarled. Edward hugged me reassuringly. I shook him off just as Renesmee flitted across the yard to me, with Kate, Zafrina, and Senna right behind her. “Absolutely not, Kate,” I hissed. Renesmee reached for me, and I opened my arms automatically. She curled into me, pressing her head into the hollow beneath my shoulder. “But Momma, I want to help,” she said in a determined voice.”
This pisses Bella off to the point where she’s literally seeing red. But she’s also more acutely aware of her shield, and is shielding Renesmee without even trying very hard. After this, she can do it to anyone without much difficulty and becomes at least 49% more perfect.
Bella takes a breather. Garrett comes over and asks Kate to shock him, just so he can see what it feels like. She does. I have no idea why this part was even necessary. Is this what passes for vampire flirting?
Back on track. Two new vampires have show up – but it seems that no one has sent them. WTF?
“We don’t care what they say you did,” the first voice interrupted. “And we don’t care if you broke the law.” “No matter how egregiously,” the second inserted. “We’ve been waiting a millennium and a half for the Italian scum to be challenged,” said the first. “If there is any chance they will fall, we will be here to see it.” “Or even to help defeat them,” the second added. They spoke in a smooth tandem, their voices so similar that less sensitive ears would assume there was only one speaker. “If we think you have a chance of success.”
These new vampires are Romanian. One is named Stefan, the other, Vladimir. They don’t really care about the Cullens, they just want to fight the Volturi, should the opportunity arise. See, the Romanian vampires used to be part of a coven that was in charge of all other vamps, but the Volturi overthrew them. They do not give one bedazzled fuck about Renesmee, and I like them very much.
Throughout this chapter, there is talk of Alice’s shenanigans. These shenanigans include: a missing Amazonian vampire, a trip through the jungles of Brazil, and hints at a master plan. I don’t care about any of this, but I just thought you should know. The chapter ends with a glimmer of hope that everything will be okay, but it’s probably not very urgent. The Volturi will probably not get here for another two months, because they are traveling on foot, in one giant, choreographed marching band procession. (Marcus plays the piccolo. He’s so very powerful.)
The sad part is, I might not be joking about that, because there are still SEVEN FUCKING CHAPTERS.
Red Flag: Edward: + 1
Thesaurus Rape: +34
Cream Count: +16
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +15 Jacob: +8