Chapter 31: Talented

Posted: September 4, 2013 in Breaking Dawn
Tags: , , , , , ,

What this chapter should be called: No one understands what a shield is
Fucks I give: 2
Chapters left: 8


I am so close to being done with this book that I can taste it, so let’s just jump right in.


“What is the werewolves’ part in this?” Tanya asked then, eyeing Jacob. Jacob spoke before Edward could answer. “If the Volturi won’t stop to listen about Nessie, I mean Renesmee,” he corrected himself, remembering that Tanya would not understand his stupid nickname, “we will stop them.”


Tanya and Jacob argue over whether the werewolves will be as nimbly-bimbly and useful as the sparklepires if it comes to a fight with the Volturi. Nobody is winning the argument, but everyone can agree that Eleazar’s pacing and out-loud thinking is quite interesting.


“A very talented family,” Eleazar murmured as he paced. His tempo was increasing; he flashed from the door to Carmen and back again every second. “A mind reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever magic this extraordinary child has bewitched us with. I wonder if there is a name for what she does, or if it is the norm for a vampire hybrid. As if such a thing could ever be considered normal! A vampire hybrid, indeed!”


Eleazar is totes shocked at Bella’s resistance to vampire powers. Bella quickly clarifies that she’s not immune to all vampire powers, just the ones associated with the brain. Well, that explains a lot. Alice must be able to see Bella’s future because decisions are made in the trachea, not the brain! And Jasper can influence her emotions because, obviously, emotions come from the digestive tract. How could I have ever missed this? (+1 Stupidity)

Eleazar also says that Bella is a shield, a common term for any vampire that can repel another’s super powers. Upon hearing this term, Bella asks, “What does that even mean?” Really? The term “shield” is too hard to decipher, Bella? I have a hard time believing that such a brilliant high school student such as yourself can’t extrapolate information from obvious context clues. (+1 Stupidity) Here, I found an unedited version of BD online that shows Bella’s further trouble with the word.


“Eleazar said I was a shield. What does that even mean? Perhaps it means I’m part ceiling fan and can communicate with wind. Maybe being a shield has given me the power to turn wood into pickles and control Styrofoam with my mind-thoughts! No, “shield” must be Latin for “She who can make alligators fall in love.”


How can a straight-A student not know what a flippin’ shield is??!? If a mysterious European came up to me and said, “Kate, you’re a shield,” I would say, “Oh, cool. That means I can’t be harmed and I possibly have the powers to protect others from harm. Awesome. Can I have a dollar for the vending machine? What? Why not? Asshole!”


“Eleazar leaned his head to one side as he examined me. “I suppose we were overly formal about it in the guard. In truth, categorizing talents is a subjective, haphazard business; every talent is unique, never exactly the same thing twice. But you, Bella, are fairly easy to classify. Talents that are purely defensive, that protect some aspect of the bearer, are always called shields.”

Eleazar is surely rolling his eyes as he’s forced to explain the definition of a third grade vocabulary word, but it’s the most STUNNING and ASTUTE idea that anyone in the room has heard since the beginning of time. There’s also some shit about the sparkle power classification system. Bella is a shield because of her immunity to other powers. I guess that makes Edward a Snoop, Jasper a Chill-Out Dude, and Alice a Plot Device. Cool.
And get this: what makes Bella especially uniquely speshul is that she had these powers before she was turned, and can still use them as a few months old vampire. Of course, she isn’t the only shield in the world. 

“A shield!” Edward said, deep satisfaction saturating his tone. “I never thought of it that way. The only one I’ve ever met before was Renata, and what she did was so different.” Eleazar had recovered slightly. “Yes, no talent ever manifests in precisely the same way, because no one ever thinks in exactly the same way.”

Meyer pulls a vampire named Renata (whose name sounds like an Olive Garden appetizer) out of her ass. Renata is Aro’s personal bodyguard; if you try to attack him, she’ll make you forget what you were doing. That’s remarkably handy and useful. And, right about, now if you listen closely, you can hear Marcus screaming, “yeah, but can she tell which Teen Wolf cast members were fornicating in the makeup trailer?!? No?!? Pay attention to me!!!”
Eleazar moves on to suggest that, with practice, Bella will be able to project her power outwards. Kate, who has the power to turn her body into a super-ouchy Tazer, says it’s taken her centuries of practice to get it down.
Can I get off topic here for a minute? (Not like you really have a choice, peasants.) Let’s talk about Kate. I really like Kate. Not only do we share a name, which makes her about 300% more awesome, she also has a bitchin’ power, and she is the only female character we’ve encountered in four books who hasn’t had a love interest. That’s hella awesome. We don’t know a lot about her, yeah, and I hope it stays that way, mostly because Meyer’s “characterization” just involves taking a giant shit on everything. Kate is a strong, independent lady-vamp who needs no man, and I love her for that.
Moving on. Eleazar theorizes that Bella is immune to Renata’s shielding technique. This could lead to an epic battle of Shield vs. Shield. Yep, that’ll be exciting to read. Why not fight using Q-tips or bubble wrap instead? Or have a whisper war. That would not be stupid at all. (+1 Stupidity)
“Kate’s words were sinking in, beginning to make connections in my mind. Shield someone besides yourself, she’d said. As if there were some way for me to include another person in my strange, quirky silent head.”
Bella is still dumbstruck over the whole shield thing. Could she possibly be so special that she has two powers? Not only is she a shield, but she also has super-duper willpower, which made her time as a newborn vampire seem more sexy than manic. Could she be the only vampire with double powers? (+1 Stupidity)
Actually, this makes total sense. Why wouldn’t the girl who gets everything she ever wants also get double powers? She totally deserves a bonus power. Being an undead housewife isn’t easy. Bella is so perfect that scientists are using tiny hammers to make minuscule, precise dents in all shelled animals so that when you hold the shell to your ear you’ll hear the phrase, “Bella is better than you.”
Bella’s perfection is so extensive that writing her name in the corner of an envelope negates the need for a stamp. Bella has probably won Nobel Prizes in Mathematics and Best Kiss. If you look at Bella directly, you will be so overwhelmed that your teeth will melt and you’ll forget what oranges smell like. And if you shout her name from the top of a mountain in the Colorado Rockies, in May, on a Tuesday, at precisely 2:38 PM, you can summon a sex genie.
“Because I was so preoccupied, I didn’t notice the silent exchange going on between Edward and Eleazar until it became a spoken conversation. “Can you think of even one exception, though?” Edward asked. I looked over to make sense of his comment and realized that everyone else was already staring at the two men. They were leaning toward each other intently, Edward’s expression tight with suspicion, Eleazar’s unhappy and reluctant.”
Okay, so that’s a (+1 Thesaurus Rape) for lack of semicolon use in the last sentence, and a (+1 Stupidity) for the dumb little one-sided conversation. We get it, Miss Meyer. Edward can read minds. You don’t need to do this stupid little gag in every other chapter. 

“Tanya put her hand on Eleazar’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “What did we miss, my friend? I want to know so that I can argue with these thoughts. You’ve never done anything worth castigating yourself this way.”

And another (+1 Thesaurus Rape) for not understanding how people talk. Jeezums.
Eleazar explains when he was one of the Volturi, he passed private information about different covens and what crimes they had committed that would lead all of the Volturi, especially Aro, to attend the coven’s punishment. Aro never did this unless they were going to destroy an entire coven and, at the last moment, he would “read the thoughts” of one of the remaining members and see that they were repentant and grant them a place in his guard. These lucky chosen vampires always had speshul sparkle powers that Aro wanted — which was the true reasoning behind the Volturi’s actions. Aro was “collecting” them, like state quarters or rocks shaped like dogs. 

“There is one among the guard,” Edward said, explaining Eleazar’s angry reaction. “Her name is Chelsea. She has influence over the emotional ties between people. She can both loosen and secure these ties. She could make someone feel bonded to the Volturi, to want to belong, to want to please them. . .”

We talk about Chelsea for awhile, who is not important enough for me to really care. Her superpower is to destroy and create bonds and other relationships. For example, if you and your significant other were fighting over which side of the dishwasher the cups go on, Chelsea could restore your relationship. If you hated olives with a fiery passion, Chelsea could make you honor and respect olives. Her powers work on large groups, which is also very handy and useful. Listen carefully, and you can hear Marcus in the background, yelling, “But…but…I can see relationships. That’s better than creating or destroying relationships because…I’m taller!”According to Mr. Smartypants, Aro uses Chelsea to break up groups of vampires, and then she convinces any unique vampire to join Team Volturi. We already knew he had a thing for powerful vamps, and now we know that he collects them like my creepy uncle collects dismembered mannequin limbs.


“How strong is her gift?” Tanya asked with an edge to her voice. Her gaze quickly touched on each member of her family. Eleazar shrugged. “I was able to leave with Carmen.” And then he shook his head. “But anything weaker than the bond between partners is in danger. In a normal coven, at least. Those are weaker bonds than those in our family, though. Abstaining from human blood makes us more civilized—lets us form true bonds of love. I doubt she could turn our allegiances, Tanya.”

Aaaand we’re back to the whole blood drinking = sex metaphor again. The Cullens and Denalis are FAR more civilized than those nasty sex fiends blood-drinkers, because abstaining allows them to form bonds not based on sex blood lust. How sweet.
Ugh, whatever. Eleazar is still stumped as to why Aro would come for the Cullens. Edward determines that he must be using the baby as a front, and what he really wants to do is “collect” Alice, and also possibly Edward and Bella. 

“Edward’s voice was low as a breath. “From what I saw of his thoughts last spring, Aro’s never wanted anything more than he wants Alice.” I felt my mouth fall open, remembering the nightmarish pictures I had imagined long ago: Edward and Alice in black cloaks with bloodred eyes, their faces cold and remote as they stood close as shadows, Aro’s hands on theirs.… Had Alice seen this more recently? Had she seen Chelsea trying to strip away her love for us, to bind her to Aro and Caius and Marcus? “Is that why Alice left?” I asked, my voice breaking on her name.”


It all falls into place. Alice saw that the Volturi were coming for her. Instead of being turned against her family, she ditched them with Jasper. It almost makes sense. But this is Twilight. Why couldn’t Alice just say all this instead of writing cryptic notes? Oh. I forgot. Because chromosomes, whatnot, and love. (+1 Stupidity)

Bella hears a car pull into the driveway. It looks like Peter and Charlotte showed up after all. Time to hold another festival of face-touching!

So, all in all, I guess the thing about the Volturi wanting to collect Alice could be the reason she left. There are a couple definite holes in that idea, though. Like, how does this relate to that J. Jenks dude? Never mind. Don’t answer that, because I don’t really care and you’d just be wasting time and valuable internets with a response. Instead, tell me who that red pawn on the cover of this book is supposed to represent. Bella is the queen, obviously. Maybe the red pawn is Renesmee, but wouldn’t Renesmee be on Bella’s side?I bet it’s Mike Newton spying on Bella like a pervert.

Chapter Count:
Stupidity: +6
Thesaurus Rape: +2


Book Count:
Stupidity: +242
Angst: +21
Bitch: +21
Thesaurus Rape: +34
Cream Count: +16
Eye Rape: +1
Redemption: +8
Red Flag: Edward: +14 Jacob: +8

  1. ha5rika says:

    Well, to answer your question about the cover, according to Meyer it represents Bella’s transformation from a weak pawn to a powerful Queen. And the change in red and white could mean human(blood) to vampire(sparkle).

    Anyway, how are you Kate? It’s been a while I commented here. I just wanted to check on you and make sure that your brain hasn’t melted off due to TwiLogic. I can see that it hasn’t.

    And congrats on making it this far. I could never do that. But, I want to give these damn books one more chance because my friends just won’t shut up about it. So, I was wondering if I could do the reading with you. One chapter a week could be okay for me. So, if you can tell me which one of Meyer’s sucky books (or hopefully even Fifty Shades of Grey series) you will be doing next, I’ll get a copy of it for myself.

    Thanks for keeping up with this shit for the sake of humanity 🙂

    • Kate says:

      Oh, I’m doing okay, thanks for asking. 🙂 I’m kind of just powering through these last chapters because I am so desperately ready to be done with the whole shitty affair.

      Email me at and we’ll talk about reading together. 🙂 I was maybe thinking of checking out Midnight Sun.

  2. sammygirl1967 says:

    Alice leaving because she was scared of the Volturi taking her away makes far more sense than why she actually leaves. And that is just sad.

    You are so close to the end… I’m amazed your not completely insane yet.

    Also, Kate was actually one of my favorite characters. 😀 Kate and Leah. And that’s it, unless you count Charlie from the movies. Kate and Leah could team up, run away from this horrible story and become a badass vampire-and-werewolf crime fighting team in some alternate universe.

  3. PSSSST! Hey Kate, I’ve got a picture you might like to see. ^^ Me and my friends were recently playing Scrabble and well, things took a turn for the coincidental.
    Tell me if the link doesn’t work.

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