What this chapter should be called: Bella Swan and the Case of the Obvious Plot Twist
Fucks I give: -3
Chapters I have left: 10
The first sentence of this chapter could have been the last sentence of this book, and I would have been okay with it.
“We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back.”
Yet, sadly, there are still many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The gist of this chapter is that Alice and Jasper ran away. It vaguely reminds me of when Snape killed Dumbledore and we all thought he was an evil guy. But us cool people knew that Snape was only acting evil, and was a good guy all along.
I think that might be the case here. Alice and Jasper have abandoned the Cullens (not that this is really a major loss. I think the Cullens will get by fine without Alice’s dumb predictions and Jasper’s talent at moving sideways.) to die by the Volturi’s hand. I’d bet, maybe not my soul, but a couple fingers and my leg hair, that Alice is taking on the Snape role here. She and Jasper look like cowardly cowards who cower now, but I think at the crucial moment, they’ll be back, toting along not-Juan the half-vampire expert to save the day.
Whatever. Back to the story. It’s two hours later and no one has moved.
“We were all at our limits—frenzied into absolute stillness. Carlisle had barely been able to move his lips to explain it all to Jacob. The retelling seemed to make it worse; even Emmett stood silent and still from then on.”
There’s only one word to describe my feelings on this: blargh!
This situation angers me for several reasons:
1. Why can’t they just explain Renesmee to the Volturi, again? We all know that the Volturi love the Cullens. Chrissakes, the Cullens have already broken two cardinal vampire rules, and the Volturi let them off after a conversation, only making them promise that sometime in the future, they had to apologize. That’s it! That’s like a parent who watches his 4-year-old sell nuclear arms to terrorist and then taps the kid on the butt and says, “Don’t do that again, my little dewdrop.” If the Volturi are so lenient, why can’t Carlisle, their friend and former ally, just tell them what’s going on? (+1 Stupidity)
2. With all the touchy-feely mind powers going on, won’t the Volturi realize Renesmee isn’t a problem before they kill her? Literally, all Aro would have to do is shake Edward’s hand to know the whole shebang is just one big misunderstanding. Or do vampire powers not work on Wednesdays? (+1 Stupidity)
3. Why are we afraid to fight, again? I’m pretty sure the Cullens can take on some old guys and Dakota Fanning. Besides, the Cullens have two packs of werewolves at their side. And I was under the impression werewolves existed for one reason: vampire death (and questionable childcare, but that’s not the point). It might be a tough fight, but it’s not like Justin Bieber facing off against Godzilla. So stop whining, you super-powered douchebags! (+1 Stupidity)
Suddenly, everyone freaks out, because the only possible reason that Alice could be taking so long is because she’s been attacked by the Volturi. Yeah, this makes as much sense to you as it does to me. How could the Volturi have possibly gotten the jump on them if they’re not going to be in town for another month? (+1 Stupidity) Everyone tears off, following the trail of Alice’s scent.
“Did you catch that scent?” Esme called ahead a few moments after we’d leaped the river for the second time. She was the farthest back, on the far left edge of our hunting party. She gestured to the southeast. “Keep to the main trail—we’re almost to the Quileute border,” Edward ordered tersely. “Stay together. See if they turned north or south.”
Once the vamps get to the werewolf boundary, Sam and the formerly-evil-wolves-who-are-now-good-guys (FEWANGG) stop them. The FEWANGG aren’t here to fight, but instead give the Cullens a note left by Alice. Sam’s character has apparently contracted a horrible case of Meyer-itis, because this is the spiel he gives to the Cullens:
“Sam ignored him, looking straight at Carlisle as he stopped walking and began to speak. “Right after midnight, Alice and Jasper came to this place and asked permission to cross our land to the ocean. I granted them that and escorted them to the coast myself. They went immediately into the water and did not return. As we journeyed, Alice told me it was of the utmost importance that I say nothing to Jacob about seeing her until I spoke to you. I was to wait here for you to come looking for her and then give you this note. She told me to obey her as if all our lives depended on it.”
Yeesh. There are old men who speak more casually than this. (+1 Thesaurus Rape) Painfully wooden dialogue aside, the note that Sam hands Carlizzle is written on the backside of the copyright page of The Merchant of Venice – Bella’s copy of the book. The handwritten note states that Alice and Jasper are gone for good. Alice implies she saw things with the Volturi ending badly and couldn’t bear to lose Jasper. She advises the Cullens to find some other vampires to help them, and that she will always love them. And at the very bottom of the page, Jasper wrote, “my scars make me pretty, and you bitches are just jealous.” (Okay, so not really.)
I’m done even trying to pretend this is for serials. I know it’s a ploy. Meyer is too boring a writer to let her darling characters behave in such an interesting fashion. There’s no way that A+J have truly left the Cullens high and dry. I know I stated my original wager at the beginning of this chapter, but now I’m willing to throw my toenails and my right nipple in there too. This is a trick.
Of course, I could be wrong. Alice and Jasper could truly be gone forever.
HAHA HA HA HA HAHAHA HA HAHA HAHA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA
HA HA HAHAHA HA
Back to events at hand. Sam is trying to rip A+J a new one for ditching their family like a bad prom date.
“Edward was first to move again, speaking in response to what he heard in Sam’s head. “Yes, things are that dangerous.” “Enough that you would abandon your family?” Sam asked out loud, censure in his tone. It was clear that he had not read the note before giving it to Carlisle. He was upset now, looking as if he regretted listening to Alice. Edward’s expression was stiff—to Sam it probably looked angry or arrogant, but I could see the shape of pain in the hard planes of his face. “We don’t know what she saw,” Edward said. “Alice is neither unfeeling nor a coward. She just has more information than we do.”
Doc C points out that sparklepires still have their free will, unlike those stinky dogs who can’t sparkle in the buttery sunshine! Bella realizes how a strong family bond can be broken by one person. Yadda yadda yadda. The Cullens fall back, and notice another trail, fresh with Alice’s scent. It leads in the direction of Bella’s sex cottage.
“But the note bothered me. Alice could have carved the note into a boulder or tree trunk if she lacked writing utensils. She could have stolen a pad of Post-its from any of the houses by the highway. Why my book? When did she get it?”
Bella realizes that the note must be to head back to the sex cottage and find the book that the page with the note written on it belonged to. Of goes Detective Bella and her trusty sidekick, Lullaby Lad. When they arrive at the sex cottage, Bella tells Edward to wait outside. It’s obvious that Alice’s hidden message is intended for Bella, because Edward can’t read her mind, and therefore Aro and the rest of the Volturi won’t know if she’s up to something.
She hurries into the sex cottage and finds the book. Inside is a note with the name J. Jenks and an address in Seattle, and the words “destroy this.” Well, that’s awfully vague. Does Alice want her to kill this dude or just burn the note? (+1 Stupidity) With that out of the way, Eddie is allowed in. Bella chucks the book into the fire and explains.
“When we were on the plane to Italy,” I whispered—this was not a lie, except perhaps in context—“on our way to rescue you… she lied to Jasper so that he wouldn’t come after us. She knew that if he faced the Volturi, he would die. She was willing to die herself rather than put him in danger. Willing for me to die, too. Willing for you to die.” Edward didn’t answer. “She has her priorities,” I said. It made my still heart ache to realize that my explanation did not feel like a lie in any way.”
Of course, it’s not a lie. Perfect little Bella is far to good to ever lie about things. (+1 Bitch) Meyer, if you need to have a character lie, just have them fucking lie, okay? The tacked-on explanation of why it isn’t a lie, because Bella would just never is pissing me off. Good Lord.
Bedward returns to the main house, where the rest of the clan is splitting into teams to look for Good Guy vampires who might help with the Volturi.
“We’re to stay here?” Edward asked, looking at Carlisle. He didn’t sound happy. “Alice said that we would have to show people Renesmee, and we would have to be careful about it,” Carlisle said. “We’ll send whomever we can find back here to you—Edward, you’ll be the best at fielding that particular minefield.” Edward gave one sharp nod, still not happy. “There’s a lot of ground to cover.” “We’re splitting up,” Emmett answered. “Rose and I are hunting for nomads.”
Jacob is psyched. He gets to spend time with Renesmee! Or so he thinks. Edward tells him it’s unsafe to hang with all these other vampies who don’t hold the sanctity of human (or werewolf) life to quite as high a standard as the Cullens or Tanya’s clan. Jacob can stay until the next afternoon, but then he has to leave Bella and Eddie’s kid behind so they can try to play parents for once. If he’s around, it might give a bad impression, because vampires don’t like werewolves. We never really learn why sparklepires are so prejudiced against werewolves, BTW.
Jacob runs off to tell Sam the news. Bella thinks about things. Renesmee cries. Bella thinks about more things. Edward plays a lullaby. Emmett prepares his war paint and fear-bullet rifle.
I wait for the plot.
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +31
Cream Count: +16
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +8