What this chapter should be called: Is that you, plot? Where the hell have you been?
Fucks I give: 1 confusion fuck
Before we get into this chapter, let’s have a quick recap of last chapter: first Bella will go to Italy, then South America. Meanwhile, Alaska vamp Irina showed up for mysterious reasons. Up to now, this story has been about as engaging as the back of a shampoo bottle and twice as useless.
But now, it’s plot time.
“Carlisle and Edward had not been able to catch up with Irina before her trail disappeared into the sound. They’d swum to the other bank to see if her trail had picked up in a straight line, but there was no trace of her for miles in either direction on the eastern shore.”
No one is able to find Irina, because she’s super good at playing hide-and-seek. Bella, as usual, mopes around and feels terrible, deciding that it must be her fault Irina ran. Because there’s so much she could have done to prevent the situation. Right. (+1 Angst)
Alice is only able to catch fuzzy glimpses of Irina’s future, because Irina isn’t deciding so much where she’s going as she is just going. Um, okay. If I hop in my car and take off down the highway, going wherever catches my attention, eventually my gas tank is gonna get low. At some point, I’ll have to make the decision to stop for gas. Same goes for Irina. She will make some decision, no matter how small, that Alice theoretically should be able to see.
See, we still make decisions, even if they’re not conscious, which Meyer seems to not understand. If I reach down my game rack, looking for something to play, and I pull out MarioKart instead of Lego Batman, that’s a decision. If I take a bit of my cake, that’s a decision. If I slam my laptop shut and cry from the illogic-ness of Alice’s powers, that’s still a decision! Everything we do is the product of a decision!
And yet, Alice still can’t see Irina’s future because her power makes about as much sense as glass socks. (+1 Stupidity)
Ugh, whatever. Plans for Italy are still on. And when Bella returns from there, the clan will head down to South America.
“Every detail had been gone over a hundred times already. We would start with the Ticunas, tracing their legends as well as we could at the source. Now that it was accepted that Jacob would come with us, he figured prominently in the plans—it was unlikely that the people who believed in vampires would speak to any of us about their stories.”
Everyone is super focused on learning about half-vampires, except for Emmett, who is more excited about wrestling with anacondas. Glad to see someone has their priorities straight. Bella is hanging out with the rest of the fam, ignoring her child, who is off doing god knows what in the other room. The men are planning the South America trip, while Alice organizes flowers. Why the chick who can see the future *cough* isn’t doing the planning, I have no idea. Probably because she’s a woman. (+1 Stupidity)
“I assumed she was trying to see through the blind spots that Jacob and Renesmee made in her visions as to what was waiting for us in South America until Jasper said, “Let it go, Alice; she’s not our concern,” and a cloud of serenity stole silently and invisibly through the room. Alice must have been worrying about Irina again.”
I think this is the best worst line in this book, if not the whole series. You’ve got to watch out for those damn clouds of serenity. But a fog of bitterness, that’s what you’ve really got to watch out for. I seem to self-generate one every time I open up my computer to write these damn reviews. (+1 Thesaurus Rape)
But back to Alice. She’s moving slowly, clearly worried, when the vase slips from between her nimbly-bimbly fingers. Uh-oh. We all know that when someone drops something, plot’s about to happen. (At least it wasn’t a package of frozen hamburger this time.)
“Staring at Renesmee again, I didn’t see it when the vase slipped from Alice’s fingers. I only heard the whoosh of the air whistling past the crystal, and my eyes flickered up in time to see the vase shatter into ten thousand diamond shards against the edge of the kitchen’s marble floor. We were perfectly still as the fragmented crystal bounced and skittered in every direction with an unmusical tinkling, all eyes on Alice’s back.”
Everyone thinks Alice is playing some sort of joke, because vampires don’t just drop things, duh! But Alice has seen the future, and it isn’t good. (Yay!) Clearly, something catastrophic has happened.
“They’re coming for us,” Alice and Edward whispered together, perfectly synchronized. “All of them.”
Bella, who has been so completely clueless in the past, is the quickest to understand. Which I find odd, because she’s generally a bit slow when it comes to these things. But current plot requires detective Bella, so whatever. (+1 Stupidity) Character development fail. After some more confusing conversation, both oral and mental, we learn that the entire Volturi is coming. Like, all 15 of them. Oooookay. But this must mean it’s clearly not about Bella’s sparklepire transformation.
“Why?” Alice whispered to herself. “How?” “When?” Edward whispered. “Why?” Esme echoed. “When?” Jasper repeated in a voice like splintering ice. Alice’s eyes didn’t blink, but it was as if a veil covered them; they became perfectly blank. Only her mouth held on to her expression of horror.
Who? What? Where? This is possibly the worst strand of dialogue ever written. (+1 Stupidity)
But we find out the Volturi will be here in a little over a month, bringing enough vampires for a whole football team. Bella suddenly realizes what we all figured out 10 pages ago: Irina, whose mother was killed because she started making immortal children, is tattling on the Cullens about the existence of Renesmee. Remember, it’s forbidden to turn a baby into a vampire. (Though dating one has never been an issue, because the vampires, like the rest of the world aside from perverts, never thought that was a concern.) The Volturi’s strict rule is punishable by death. But rules regarding vampire/human hybrid babies are vague, so this whole thing is one big misunderstanding.
Not that the Volturi will care, of course. They’re going to show up, sometime in about a month (Alice can’t get a clear idea of when because her powers make as much sense as square basketballs (+1 Stupidity)), and murder everyone.
“Was this the limit, then? I’d had more happiness than most people ever experienced. Was there some natural law that demanded equal shares of happiness and misery in the world? Was my joy overthrowing the balance? Was four months all I could have? It was Emmett who answered my rhetorical question. “We fight,” he said calmly. “We can’t win,” Jasper growled. “
Booyah, Emmett! Emmett is also the smartest vampire in the coven, because he’s the only one who realizes that the wolf packs are definitely not gonna take this sitting down. God, I love Emmett. While Bella freaks out and whines about not having enough perfection (+1 Angst), Emmett is concerned with getting shit done. Hell yeah. Congratulations, Stephylococcus. You wrote one character that isn’t completely despicable. (+1 Redemption)
Oh, and then there’s a hilarious rundown of all the Cullen’s friends. Tanya’s family, a bunch of nomads, the Amazons, and various sparklepires with weird, ethnic-sounding names that we haven’t met yet.
“Tanya’s family,” she said. “Siobhan’s coven. Amun’s. Some of the nomads— Garrett and Mary for certain. Maybe Alistair.” “What about Peter and Charlotte?” Jasper asked half fearfully, as if he hoped the answer was no, and his old brother could be spared from the coming carnage. “Maybe.” “The Amazons?” Carlisle asked. “Kachiri, Zafrina, and Senna?” Alice seemed too deep into her vision to answer at first; finally she shuddered, and her eyes flickered back to the present.”
During this rundown of potential allies, I was hoping to find Robocop, Oprah, or something equally interesting, but was left disappointed. Again.
But, all in all, this plan could work. If these nice vampires line up and yell, “Stop! Before you kill this baby, you should know that she’s a human/vampire hybrid and she’s cute,” that will end all problems.
Hate to be that guy who always picks things apart, but this plan makes as much sense as Alice’s powers, which make as much sense as wooden gloves. (+1 Stupidity)
If I interpreted this correctly, they need only explain Optimus to the Volturi. Once that happens, the Volturi will not want to kill the baby, and the world will be happy. Right? So why don’t they just send them a letter explaining things? Mail too slow? Make a YouTube video. Send them a Hallmark Ecard. Or…and this is crazy…call them on the telephone. I know! What am I thinking? That’s so stupid. I’m such an idiot. I’m sure there’s a good reason why they can’t call the Volturi. Yep, the idea of flying in friends from all over the globe to stand in a line in the woods and then shout in unison is much better than making a phone call. I’m so dumb. (+1 Stupidity)
Alice takes off, claiming she needs to get away in order to see better. Then Jacob arrives, far too chipper for the occasion. Bella must inform him that the Volturi are going to kill them all. Yay!
“All of us, Jacob,” I whispered. And it was there in my voice, too—the sound of the inside of a grave. “It’s over. We’ve all been sentenced to die.”
Thesaurus Rape: +1
Thesaurus Rape: +30
Cream Count: +16
Eye Rape: +1
Red Flag: Edward: +12 Jacob: +8